One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 2, Episode 18 - Julie's Operation - full transcript
Ann questions the use of a young physician when Jule develops appendicitis and their usual doctor is out of town.
♪ This is it, This is it.
♪ This is life, the one you get.
♪ So go and have a ball.
♪ This is it, This is it.
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured,
♪ You can't be sure at all.
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view.
♪ Keep on doing what you do.
♪ So hold on tight,
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a time,
One day at a time.
♪ So up on your
feet, Up on your feet.
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing.
♪ Don't you worry none.
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes.
♪ One day at a time,
One day at a time.
♪ One day at a
time, da, da, da, da, da
♪ One day at a time,
One day at a time.
♪ One day at a
time, da da da da da
♪ One day at a time.
- Mom!
- Uh, Julie, would you mind?
I'm trying to sleep.
- Barbara, I've got a fever.
I think I'm coming
down with something.
- Well, don't breathe on me.
I have a date tomorrow.
(audience laughs)
- Mom!
(audience laughs)
- You screamed?
(audience laughs)
- Told you I had a temperature.
99.8 and climbing.
(audience laughs)
- When it gets to 100, sell.
(audience laughs)
- I'm hot, I feel nauseous.
I think I'm dying.
(yelling) And
Barbara doesn't care!
- I care, I care!
Just die quietly.
(audience laughs)
- Honey, it could be the flu,
you know, it's going around.
- My tummy hurts.
- Did you have anything
to eat at the movies?
- No, just some popcorn,
a root beer, an abba-zaba
and a bag of red hots.
(audience laughs)
- Nothing unusual about that.
(audience laughs)
Come on, honey,
lie down, go to sleep.
You'll feel better
in the morning.
- Uhh!
- Oh, honey, you really
shouldn't eat all that junk.
- Oh, mom, it's not
just my stomach.
It's down here too.
- Down here? Ooh!
- Ah, yes.
- That's where my appendix is.
- That's where your appendix.
Well, we're not going
to jump to conclusions.
I mean, it could be
any number of things.
- Could be the place
where the abba-zaba
is having a shoot
out with the red hots.
(audience laughs)
- Barbara.
- I know what you're
hoping for, Barbara,
you're hoping you'll get
the room all to yourself
when I die.
- Julie.
- Last time you
thought you were dying
you had your tennis
shoes on the wrong feet.
(audience laughs)
- Barbara.
- Twerp, I've really had enough!
Ahh, ow!
- Ooo.
- You really are sick.
- It's what I've been
trying to tell you.
- Oh, I'm gonna go
call Dr. Redmond.
He can't be playing
golf this time of night.
(audience laughs)
- Julie, I'm really
sorry you feel sick.
(audience laughs)
- No, you're not.
- Yeah, I am.
- Yeah, I remember
what you said,
(exaggerating)
"Just die quietly."
(audience laughs)
- Okay, okay, if
you want to die,
you can die as loud as you want.
(audience laughs)
- See, you don't care.
- Julie, I care, really.
- Okay.
- But look, if it
is your appendix,
could you have
them put it in a bottle
for my biology class?
(audience laughs)
- You are gross.
(audience laughs)
- I gotta score some
points with my teacher.
Just think, you could
be right up there
with Tommy Doyle's adenoids.
(audience laughs)
- Dr. Redmond's on vacation.
He's playing golf.
(audience laughs)
In Hawaii.
But the doctor on
call is out on a call,
and he'll call
(slowly) when he gets my call.
(audience laughs)
- Maybe I better go
through the yellow pages.
- No, I don't want a doctor
from the yellow pages!
- How about a plumber?
(audience laughs)
- Hey, I'm gonna
go call Schneider.
- Schneider,
Mom, I'm not a sink!
(audience laughs)
- Honey, to get his doctor.
And I'm gonna call Ginny.
I hope she's home from work.
Hey, listen, I mean,
you're gonna get a doctor.
I mean, don't worry, okay?
(audience laughs)
Thank you.
(phone bangs) Damn it.
He's still out on a call.
- You know, doctors
are incredible.
Neither rain, nor
snow, nor gloom of fog
shall keep them from
their appointed house calls.
(audience laughs)
Chad Everett said that.
(audience laughs)
- Ginny, who's your doctor?
- Oh, I don't have one.
Doctors make me sick.
(audience laughs)
The word sick makes me sick.
I'm hypersympathetic.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, why are doctors never
there when you need 'em?
- Holy mackerel, what
is the matter with me?
- What?
- The light bulb just went off.
(audience laughs)
That new tenant in 208, right?
One bedroom kitchenette?
(audience laughs)
The guy moved in on
Friday. (audience laughs)
- And?
- The guy's a doctor!
He's a doctor!
- A doctor?
- A doctor!
- Schneider, do you think
he'd mind coming up here
in the middle of the
night to see Julie?
- (laughs) Are you
kidding, would he mind?
- Coming up here in
the middle of the night
to see Julie?
- Of course not,
he wouldn't mind.
He took the hypocritic oath.
(audience laughs)
- Hey, uh, thanks, Schneider.
- Well, you're welcome.
But please now
be nice to this guy,
because today's doctors
are tomorrow's landlords.
I mean, they've got condominiums,
they've got everything.
- Ah.
(audience laughs and claps)
- Oh, Barbie, how's Julie?
- Well, she's still having
those stomach pains.
- Uhh.
- Her temperature is going up.
- Bleh.
(audience laughs)
- And she's nauseous.
- Bleh, whoa.
(audience laughs)
- What's the matter with her?
What's the matter, Ginny?
- Oh, don't mind me.
I told you, I'm
hypersympathetic.
- Uh, uh, Barb, do me a favor.
Tell Julie we've got a
doctor - Oh you got one?
And he'll be here right...
- Oh good, okay.
Thanks, babe.
Oh Ginny, what are we gonna
do if the doctor's not home?
- Wait a minute.
I met a doctor at
the party last week.
Everybody said he was
the best man in town.
Now, what was his name?
He was real cute,
he had dimples.
Bark, that's it.
- Dr. Bark?
(audience laughs)
- No, no, that's
how I remember it.
Bark rhymes with lark,
lark is a bird, birds fly
south, south is a pole.
That's it, Dr. Jaworski.
(audience laughs and claps)
- That is some system, Ginny.
- Yeah, yeah.
- How do you
remember the first word?
- Bark, well that's easy.
He's a veterinarian.
Oooh. (audience laughs)
- I got him, I got him!
He's coming, he'll be
right here, I got him.
- Oh good, Schneider,
did you have to wake him?
- No, he was already up.
He was, uh, listening
to some albums.
Frampton.
- Peter Frampton.
- That's the guy, yeah.
(coughs) Come on, Doc,
here he is, Mrs Romano,
this here's Dr. Blanchard.
- (exhales) Hi.
- Hello, Doctor.
Um, thank you for coming up.
- Oh what seems
to be the problem?
- Well, I have this...
- Oh!
(audience laughs)
- No, this isn't the patient.
This is Ginny Wrobliki.
Uh, the patient is my daughter.
She's in the bedroom.
- Oh, oh, yes, of course.
Oh, uh, one of the
nurses gave this to me
so I could remember where
all the parts are. (laughs)
(audience laughs and claps)
- Cute.
- What seems to be the problem?
- Oh, she's got
pains in her right side.
She's nauseous,
and then there's this,
he's so young.
(audience laughs)
- I saw him in the elevator.
I thought he was the paperboy.
(audience laughs)
- Julie, this is Dr. Blanchard.
- Hello, Doctor!
(audience laughs)
- You know, every
time I hear doctor,
I always look around
for one. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
- You're really a doctor?
- Well, that's what
the diploma says.
- Wow.
- Hey, I'm the patient.
What's wrong with me, Doctor?
(audience laughs)
- I have no idea.
I mean, you've got
to give me a hint first.
- Well, I just feel horrible.
- Uh, Doctor, she's
got these pains
in her right side.
- Any temperature?
- Yeah, we just took it.
- It's almost 100.
- And she's nauseous.
- Will you let me say them?
They are my symptoms.
(audience laughs)
- (quietly) Sorry.
- Hm, pain, temperature,
nauseated, irritable.
- That part's normal. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
- Any pain here?
- Uh, yes.
- What about here?
- Uhh, yes.
- Uhh!
(audience laughs)
- That's where my appendix is.
- Well, now let's check a
few other things first, huh?
- Like what?
- Ahhh, oil.
Water, battery.
(audience laughs)
- How long have
you been practicing?
- (quietly) Took the words
right out of my mouth.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, I'm brand new.
I just opened my office.
- Really?
- Mmhmm.
Lucky for you I
live in this building.
If you'd phoned, you
never would have gotten me.
I can't afford an
answering service yet.
(audience laughs)
- I thought if you
had appendicitis
she'd be screaming with pain.
- Well not always.
But thank you, Doctor.
(audience laughs)
- Hmm.
- What's wrong?
- Wait, let me complete
the examination first.
I'm not supposed
to alarm the patient.
I think we'd better get
you down to the hospital.
- To operate?
- I alarmed you. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
I'm sorry, it's just
for a blood test.
I'm always getting
that backwards.
I'm supposed to say blood test
before I say hospital.
I, uh, flunked bedside
manner. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
- Well, uh, Doctor, I
really, you know, thank you
for coming up here but you know,
that I'm gonna have to check
with my regular physician.
- Mmhmm.
- In Hawaii?
(audience laughs)
(sighs)
(laughs)
(audience laughs)
- For once, I wish that
doctor would return the call.
- Oh, I hope she doesn't
have to go to the hospital.
People get so sick there.
(audience laughs)
- She okay?
- Well, she might
have appendicitis.
- Uhh!
- Ohh!
- Oh, come on, you guys.
I've gotta find a doctor.
- You already got a doctor.
- Yeah, well, I prefer
one that shaves.
(audience laughs)
- Well, why, the
nurse does that.
(audience laughs)
- Ginny, the thing is here,
I think that Julie
is his first case.
- So what, even Marcus
Welby had to start some place.
(audience laughs)
- Yeah, on Father Knows Best.
(audience laughs)
- Mrs. Romano, we better
get her down for a white count.
- Ooo, Doctor, I'm
expecting a call from a doctor.
- Well, I understand that,
but if the count is high,
we may have to operate tonight.
- Tonight?
- Now, I don't
want to alarm you,
but there's a very
high indexes suspicion.
I think it's better if
I admit her directly
into the hospital.
- Uh, Doctor, I mean,
if there's a question
of an operation,
well I, of course,
would prefer a surgeon.
- Well, of course.
- Good.
- Well I am a surgeon.
(audience laughs)
- I'd prefer a surgeon
who has some experience.
- But I have experience.
I've been a resident in
surgery for three years.
I've performed over a
hundred appendectomies
and all of them lived,
except the frog. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
- You killed a frog?
(audience laughs and claps)
- In any case, I'm not
gonna be sure until the test.
And we really better get
her down there to take it.
Now, you can have
your doctor call me there,
if you really think
it's necessary.
- All right, Doctor, I'll
have her down there.
But just for the test.
- Don't worry, a
nurse will take it.
And she's old.
(audience laughs)
Almost 35.
(audience laughs)
Uh, I'll see you down there.
(audience laughs)
- Doc, hold on, I'll
walk down with you.
Now, look, Mrs
Romano, don't worry.
I mean, he's got
a whole room full
of brand new medical
books down there,
colored pictures in 'em
and everything, all right.
(audience laughs)
Look, uh, Doctor, uh,
a friend of mine, uh
he met this gal
in a bowling alley,
and they hit it off,
you know, and uh,
now there's a little problem.
(audience laughs and claps)
- Ginny, we've got to go
down to the hospital, right?
And, uh, I've got to
contact a surgeon.
Now if there has
to be an operation,
that child is certainly
not gonna perform one.
So, would you do me a favor?
- Yeah.
Would you stay here
and wait for the real doctor
to call back?
- Sure, I'll lay right here.
(audience laughs)
- Mom, I'm kinda scared.
- Ah, sweet heart, there's
nothing to be scared about.
It's just, just a test.
- Yeah, well he told me
he might have to operate.
- He told you.
- Cut, is what he said.
(audience laughs)
- He apologized for that.
- Uh, Julie, sweet
heart, look, if there needs
to be an operation, we're
gonna get you a surgeon.
- Dr. Blanchard is a surgeon.
- Yeah, well.
- Mom, he's a super
doctor, I just know he is.
- Some super doctor,
he's got you half scared
to death without even knowing
what's the matter with you.
- Mother, he doesn't
think of me as a child.
I do believe I'm old
enough to face the truth.
- Yeah, well, okay,
we'll talk about that later.
Right now I'm gonna get a doctor
that I have confidence in.
- Mom, who cares
about your confidence?
It's my confidence that counts.
He's so strong and
tender and beautiful.
- Julie, in surgery,
beautiful doesn't help.
(audience laughs)
- Well, it doesn't hurt.
Besides, Mom, he understands me.
Nobody's gonna touch my
body but Ronnie Blanchard.
(audience laughs)
- Ronnie, huh?
Uh huh.
Well, all right, let's
not talk about this now.
Come on, let's just get
you down to the hospital.
- Like this?
Mom, I don't want him
to see me looking like this.
I'm gonna put on a new robe
and I'm gonna fix my hair.
Mom, I look sick.
(audience laughs)
- Julie, it's just for a test.
You may never even
have to see him again.
- Mom, don't say that.
(audience laughs)
- Julie, come on, let's go, huh.
(audience claps)
(bed whirring)
- Thanks.
- Sure.
- Oh.
- Does it really hurt?
- Well, not as bad
as a while ago.
If I have to have an operation,
I'll have an operation.
- You're braver than I am.
- I know.
(audience laughs)
Barbara, it's not
that I'm brave,
I'm just as human as anybody.
There's nothing to
fear but fear itself.
Why worry when you
know you're in good hands?
(audience laughs)
- All State's gonna operate?
(audience laughs)
Okay, okay, Dr
Blanchard is kinda foxy.
You know, I think
I feel an attack
of tonsillitis coming on.
(audience laughs)
- You have them out.
- They can grow back!
(audience laughs)
- Yeah, well, if they do, I
will remove them personally
with a pair of pilers.
Don't touch him,
Barbara, he's mine.
- Unless, he has a wife.
- Ah.
- Don't worry, he's too
broke to be married.
(audience laughs)
- When our eyes first met,
it was an electric moment.
(audience laughs)
The binding of two psyches.
He felt it too.
You know, Barbara, he
could use a woman like me.
I could help him on the way up.
Share his struggle to the top.
And when he becomes
rich and famous,
I could still be
right by his side.
- Didn't Jimmy Carter's
brother say that?
(audience laughs)
- Hi, sweet heart,
darlin, how're you doing?
- She's getting delirious.
(audience laughs)
- Ah, listen, did the
test results come in yet?
- Uh uh.
- Well, has Ginny
called with the doctor?
- Nope.
- (sighs) We're in a hospital.
We're in a hospital, right?
Now there should be a
doctor around here someplace.
- Mom, I don't
want another doctor.
- Well, and how are
we feeling tonight?
- Terrible.
- That's nice.
(audience laughs)
- I want Dr Blanchard.
- Darlin, we'll argue
about it later, okay?
- (muffled) You're just
afraid he's gonna marry me
and take me away from you.
- Marry, okay.
Operate, no.
(audience laughs)
- (whining) Mom.
- Now, honey, I am trying
to take your temperature,
and you've got
one of two choices.
Either I put it in
your mouth or...
- All right!
(audience laughs and claps)
- Head, she wins,
tail, she loses.
(audience laughs)
- Nurse, could
I, uh, talk to you?
- Yes, ma'am.
- Uh, do you know Dr Blanchard?
- Who?
- Dr Blanchard.
- No, I don't know him
but if he's on the staff
he's got to be good.
- Oh, uh, Nurse?
- Yes, Doctor?
- Uh, Doctor, excuse
me, are you a surgeon?
- Yes, but I only
do hair transplants.
(audience laughs)
- Well, uh, do you
know Dr Blanchard?
- Oh, is he the
shy gynecologist?
(audience laughs)
- No, he's a surgeon.
He says he is, but he
looks like he's about 12.
- Oh well, if he's on the staff,
he's got to be good.
(audience laughs)
Uh, Nurse?
- Yes, Doctor?
- Uh, Nurse, excuse me,
I've got to contact a surgeon.
I'm expecting a call.
I'm expecting a call
from Ginny Wrobliki.
- Well, if she's on the staff,
she's got to be good.
(audience laughs)
- Uh, wait a minute.
Is there somebody
on duty tonight?
Somebody in charge?
- Yes, Dr Danworth.
- Ooo, that's good.
Uh, would you do me a favor?
Would you ask him
to come down here?
Well, it's kinda an emergency.
You see, my daughter
needs an operation
and, and we don't have a doctor.
- Hello, Ms Romano.
- Hello, Doctor.
(audience laughs)
- If he's on the staff,
he's gotta be good.
- He's gotta be good.
(audience laughs)
- Well, here it is.
You've got a 16,000 white count,
a whole bunch of polys,
and a shift to the left.
- What does that mean?
- Well, that means I can
afford to get some furniture
for my new office. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
- I flunked the test.
- Mmhmm.
- Gotta have the operation.
- Ah, Julie, sweet heart.
Doctor, are you sure?
- Yes, I'm sure.
- Julie, I'm really sorry
I yelled at you tonight.
- It's okay.
- And always
remember, I loved you.
- Barbara. (audience laughs)
- Love you. (laughs)
(audience laughs) Love you.
And when you went
off to kindergarten,
I'm the one that
stabbed your teddy bear.
- You killed TuTu Bear!
(audience laughs)
- Hey, hey, hey!
- Don't leave me!
- It's okay.
We've got to get you prepped.
- Doctor, uh, is this urgent?
- Well, I could
do without a sofa
but I gotta have
a desk. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
- I don't think
that that's funny.
- I'm sorry.
I've been watching
M♪A♪S♪H a lot.
(audience laughs)
It's not so immediate
that we have to rush her
in right this minute,
but I really should
operate within the hour.
- Doc, look, I really appreciate
you coming down here
and uh, listen, uh, I think we
better understand each other.
Now, I'm sure you're
a very fine surgeon.
No, no, I'm not sure,
and I'm gonna get one
with more experience.
- Now?
- Yes.
- Mom, I need him.
- Julie, I'm sorry.
- Ms Romano, it's
just an appendectomy.
- Just an appendectomy.
Yeah, well, that's
the way you think of it.
I happen to think of it
as just my daughter's one
and only appendectomy.
- I didn't mean it like that.
I just meant
that it's... (sighs)
Look, I know that I'm young.
But I've been
licensed by this state
and I'm a damned good surgeon.
- Right, you're young.
- (scoffs) Mom, I'm
young too and I would like
to grow old.
(audience laughs)
- Honey, what do
you think I want?
- Ms Romano, you're
upsetting my patient.
- She's not your patient.
I haven't signed the
release forms yet.
- All right, all right.
I'm sorry, Julie.
If you want me, I'll be
down in the doctors' lounge.
I've got to practice
my knots anyway.
(audience laughs)
I'm taking sailing lessons.
(audience laughs)
Don't worry, Julie,
everything'll be fine.
- Mom, I trust him,
why don't you?
It's not your appendix.
- Oh, honey, I'm doing
this for your own good.
- That's what you
said the first time
you made me take castor oil.
(audience laughs)
- Barbara, go get the nurse.
See if she's found the doctor.
Hey, uh, call your
dad too, would ya?
- Okay.
- Ah, honey, look we just
don't have time to argue.
- You don't think young
people can do anything.
You never did.
You don't trust me.
- (quietly) Of course I do.
- Then why don't you trust him?
Can't you see
how beautiful he is?
- Honey, I'm afraid that's
the only thing you do see.
- Mom, I don't want some
stranger operating on me.
Uhh!
- Oh, Julie, I have
got to get a doctor.
- Mom, go ahead!
Go on and get some
old, gray haired doctor
with shaky hands.
But if he has a heart attack
while he's operating on me,
who do you think they're
gonna try and save?
(audience laughs and claps)
- Mom.
- How do you do?
I'm Dr Danworth.
- I told you.
(audience laughs)
- And how are you
doing, young lady?
Uh, you wanted to see me, Mrs?
- Uh Romano, yes
Doctor, thank you.
Uh, look, here's the situation.
My daughter needs
her appendix out
and now that's been confirmed,
but it happened right in
the middle of the night,
and the only doctor I could find
was some young kid,
whom I don't know,
and whom I don't trust.
- Well, I, uh, I appreciate
your reluctance
but, uh, ability and age
don't necessarily
go hand in hand.
There are many
fine, young doctors.
- See, Mom.
- Yeah, I know that,
but how do I know
that this doctor is fine?
- Well, if he's on the staff,
he's got to be good.
- Uhhhh!
- Oh come, I don't
want to hear this.
I mean, this is a
very lovely hospital,
and all that, but
I can't believe
that every doctor
here is a genius.
- You have a point there.
- I mean, how do
you find out if a doctor
is good if you're all trying
to protect each other?
- What we're trying to do
is maintain a high
standard of medicine.
And thereby protect the patient.
- That's a crock.
(audience laughs)
- Mrs. Romano, believe me, if we
discover an incompetent
doctor, that doctor goes.
- I just don't want
that discovery
to happen when my
daughter is being operated on.
Doctor, would you
operate on Julie?
- I'm sorry, I'm
already scheduled.
I'm assisting in surgery
in just a few minutes.
- Look, I had to come back.
I just couldn't let it...
Oh Carl.
- Hello, Ron.
I was just...
Wait a minute.
Is this your patient?
- She was.
- (laughs) Mrs Romano,
you're not only getting beauty,
you're getting age.
- What do you mean?
- I'm assisting Dr
Blanchard in the operation.
(audience laughs)
- What?
Why?
- The kid's pretty good.
He's got a new
technique on closures
that I'd like to observe.
(audience laughs)
- What do you say?
- (quietly) Okay.
- Thank you.
- I, uh, I guess I
owe you an apology.
- Nah, you don't
owe me anything, yet.
(audience laughs)
- His bedside
manner is the pits.
(audience laughs and claps)
White count of 16,000?
Don't you think you ought
to move your butt, Doctor?
- Uh, yes, Doctor, I'll get a
nurse to prep her right away.
- I'll see you in surgery.
I'll see you in surgery,
too, young lady.
- I'll boil some hot water.
(audience laughs)
- I'll see you later,
Mrs Romano.
- Thank you, Doctor.
- Dr Blanchard.
Good luck.
- (laughs) Don't worry.
It'll be over
before you know it.
- I'm not worry.
Not now.
Ron.
(audience laughs)
- Ms Romano?
- Yeah.
- Does your daughter
got a thing for me?
(audience laughs)
- Right again.
- (sarcastically)
Ooo, what'll I do?
I haven't read that chapter yet.
(audience laughs and claps)
(end theme plays)
- (Ms Romano) One Day At A Time
was recorded live on tape
before a studio audience.
(end theme plays)
♪ This is life, the one you get.
♪ So go and have a ball.
♪ This is it, This is it.
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured,
♪ You can't be sure at all.
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view.
♪ Keep on doing what you do.
♪ So hold on tight,
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a time,
One day at a time.
♪ So up on your
feet, Up on your feet.
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing.
♪ Don't you worry none.
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes.
♪ One day at a time,
One day at a time.
♪ One day at a
time, da, da, da, da, da
♪ One day at a time,
One day at a time.
♪ One day at a
time, da da da da da
♪ One day at a time.
- Mom!
- Uh, Julie, would you mind?
I'm trying to sleep.
- Barbara, I've got a fever.
I think I'm coming
down with something.
- Well, don't breathe on me.
I have a date tomorrow.
(audience laughs)
- Mom!
(audience laughs)
- You screamed?
(audience laughs)
- Told you I had a temperature.
99.8 and climbing.
(audience laughs)
- When it gets to 100, sell.
(audience laughs)
- I'm hot, I feel nauseous.
I think I'm dying.
(yelling) And
Barbara doesn't care!
- I care, I care!
Just die quietly.
(audience laughs)
- Honey, it could be the flu,
you know, it's going around.
- My tummy hurts.
- Did you have anything
to eat at the movies?
- No, just some popcorn,
a root beer, an abba-zaba
and a bag of red hots.
(audience laughs)
- Nothing unusual about that.
(audience laughs)
Come on, honey,
lie down, go to sleep.
You'll feel better
in the morning.
- Uhh!
- Oh, honey, you really
shouldn't eat all that junk.
- Oh, mom, it's not
just my stomach.
It's down here too.
- Down here? Ooh!
- Ah, yes.
- That's where my appendix is.
- That's where your appendix.
Well, we're not going
to jump to conclusions.
I mean, it could be
any number of things.
- Could be the place
where the abba-zaba
is having a shoot
out with the red hots.
(audience laughs)
- Barbara.
- I know what you're
hoping for, Barbara,
you're hoping you'll get
the room all to yourself
when I die.
- Julie.
- Last time you
thought you were dying
you had your tennis
shoes on the wrong feet.
(audience laughs)
- Barbara.
- Twerp, I've really had enough!
Ahh, ow!
- Ooo.
- You really are sick.
- It's what I've been
trying to tell you.
- Oh, I'm gonna go
call Dr. Redmond.
He can't be playing
golf this time of night.
(audience laughs)
- Julie, I'm really
sorry you feel sick.
(audience laughs)
- No, you're not.
- Yeah, I am.
- Yeah, I remember
what you said,
(exaggerating)
"Just die quietly."
(audience laughs)
- Okay, okay, if
you want to die,
you can die as loud as you want.
(audience laughs)
- See, you don't care.
- Julie, I care, really.
- Okay.
- But look, if it
is your appendix,
could you have
them put it in a bottle
for my biology class?
(audience laughs)
- You are gross.
(audience laughs)
- I gotta score some
points with my teacher.
Just think, you could
be right up there
with Tommy Doyle's adenoids.
(audience laughs)
- Dr. Redmond's on vacation.
He's playing golf.
(audience laughs)
In Hawaii.
But the doctor on
call is out on a call,
and he'll call
(slowly) when he gets my call.
(audience laughs)
- Maybe I better go
through the yellow pages.
- No, I don't want a doctor
from the yellow pages!
- How about a plumber?
(audience laughs)
- Hey, I'm gonna
go call Schneider.
- Schneider,
Mom, I'm not a sink!
(audience laughs)
- Honey, to get his doctor.
And I'm gonna call Ginny.
I hope she's home from work.
Hey, listen, I mean,
you're gonna get a doctor.
I mean, don't worry, okay?
(audience laughs)
Thank you.
(phone bangs) Damn it.
He's still out on a call.
- You know, doctors
are incredible.
Neither rain, nor
snow, nor gloom of fog
shall keep them from
their appointed house calls.
(audience laughs)
Chad Everett said that.
(audience laughs)
- Ginny, who's your doctor?
- Oh, I don't have one.
Doctors make me sick.
(audience laughs)
The word sick makes me sick.
I'm hypersympathetic.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, why are doctors never
there when you need 'em?
- Holy mackerel, what
is the matter with me?
- What?
- The light bulb just went off.
(audience laughs)
That new tenant in 208, right?
One bedroom kitchenette?
(audience laughs)
The guy moved in on
Friday. (audience laughs)
- And?
- The guy's a doctor!
He's a doctor!
- A doctor?
- A doctor!
- Schneider, do you think
he'd mind coming up here
in the middle of the
night to see Julie?
- (laughs) Are you
kidding, would he mind?
- Coming up here in
the middle of the night
to see Julie?
- Of course not,
he wouldn't mind.
He took the hypocritic oath.
(audience laughs)
- Hey, uh, thanks, Schneider.
- Well, you're welcome.
But please now
be nice to this guy,
because today's doctors
are tomorrow's landlords.
I mean, they've got condominiums,
they've got everything.
- Ah.
(audience laughs and claps)
- Oh, Barbie, how's Julie?
- Well, she's still having
those stomach pains.
- Uhh.
- Her temperature is going up.
- Bleh.
(audience laughs)
- And she's nauseous.
- Bleh, whoa.
(audience laughs)
- What's the matter with her?
What's the matter, Ginny?
- Oh, don't mind me.
I told you, I'm
hypersympathetic.
- Uh, uh, Barb, do me a favor.
Tell Julie we've got a
doctor - Oh you got one?
And he'll be here right...
- Oh good, okay.
Thanks, babe.
Oh Ginny, what are we gonna
do if the doctor's not home?
- Wait a minute.
I met a doctor at
the party last week.
Everybody said he was
the best man in town.
Now, what was his name?
He was real cute,
he had dimples.
Bark, that's it.
- Dr. Bark?
(audience laughs)
- No, no, that's
how I remember it.
Bark rhymes with lark,
lark is a bird, birds fly
south, south is a pole.
That's it, Dr. Jaworski.
(audience laughs and claps)
- That is some system, Ginny.
- Yeah, yeah.
- How do you
remember the first word?
- Bark, well that's easy.
He's a veterinarian.
Oooh. (audience laughs)
- I got him, I got him!
He's coming, he'll be
right here, I got him.
- Oh good, Schneider,
did you have to wake him?
- No, he was already up.
He was, uh, listening
to some albums.
Frampton.
- Peter Frampton.
- That's the guy, yeah.
(coughs) Come on, Doc,
here he is, Mrs Romano,
this here's Dr. Blanchard.
- (exhales) Hi.
- Hello, Doctor.
Um, thank you for coming up.
- Oh what seems
to be the problem?
- Well, I have this...
- Oh!
(audience laughs)
- No, this isn't the patient.
This is Ginny Wrobliki.
Uh, the patient is my daughter.
She's in the bedroom.
- Oh, oh, yes, of course.
Oh, uh, one of the
nurses gave this to me
so I could remember where
all the parts are. (laughs)
(audience laughs and claps)
- Cute.
- What seems to be the problem?
- Oh, she's got
pains in her right side.
She's nauseous,
and then there's this,
he's so young.
(audience laughs)
- I saw him in the elevator.
I thought he was the paperboy.
(audience laughs)
- Julie, this is Dr. Blanchard.
- Hello, Doctor!
(audience laughs)
- You know, every
time I hear doctor,
I always look around
for one. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
- You're really a doctor?
- Well, that's what
the diploma says.
- Wow.
- Hey, I'm the patient.
What's wrong with me, Doctor?
(audience laughs)
- I have no idea.
I mean, you've got
to give me a hint first.
- Well, I just feel horrible.
- Uh, Doctor, she's
got these pains
in her right side.
- Any temperature?
- Yeah, we just took it.
- It's almost 100.
- And she's nauseous.
- Will you let me say them?
They are my symptoms.
(audience laughs)
- (quietly) Sorry.
- Hm, pain, temperature,
nauseated, irritable.
- That part's normal. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
- Any pain here?
- Uh, yes.
- What about here?
- Uhh, yes.
- Uhh!
(audience laughs)
- That's where my appendix is.
- Well, now let's check a
few other things first, huh?
- Like what?
- Ahhh, oil.
Water, battery.
(audience laughs)
- How long have
you been practicing?
- (quietly) Took the words
right out of my mouth.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, I'm brand new.
I just opened my office.
- Really?
- Mmhmm.
Lucky for you I
live in this building.
If you'd phoned, you
never would have gotten me.
I can't afford an
answering service yet.
(audience laughs)
- I thought if you
had appendicitis
she'd be screaming with pain.
- Well not always.
But thank you, Doctor.
(audience laughs)
- Hmm.
- What's wrong?
- Wait, let me complete
the examination first.
I'm not supposed
to alarm the patient.
I think we'd better get
you down to the hospital.
- To operate?
- I alarmed you. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
I'm sorry, it's just
for a blood test.
I'm always getting
that backwards.
I'm supposed to say blood test
before I say hospital.
I, uh, flunked bedside
manner. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
- Well, uh, Doctor, I
really, you know, thank you
for coming up here but you know,
that I'm gonna have to check
with my regular physician.
- Mmhmm.
- In Hawaii?
(audience laughs)
(sighs)
(laughs)
(audience laughs)
- For once, I wish that
doctor would return the call.
- Oh, I hope she doesn't
have to go to the hospital.
People get so sick there.
(audience laughs)
- She okay?
- Well, she might
have appendicitis.
- Uhh!
- Ohh!
- Oh, come on, you guys.
I've gotta find a doctor.
- You already got a doctor.
- Yeah, well, I prefer
one that shaves.
(audience laughs)
- Well, why, the
nurse does that.
(audience laughs)
- Ginny, the thing is here,
I think that Julie
is his first case.
- So what, even Marcus
Welby had to start some place.
(audience laughs)
- Yeah, on Father Knows Best.
(audience laughs)
- Mrs. Romano, we better
get her down for a white count.
- Ooo, Doctor, I'm
expecting a call from a doctor.
- Well, I understand that,
but if the count is high,
we may have to operate tonight.
- Tonight?
- Now, I don't
want to alarm you,
but there's a very
high indexes suspicion.
I think it's better if
I admit her directly
into the hospital.
- Uh, Doctor, I mean,
if there's a question
of an operation,
well I, of course,
would prefer a surgeon.
- Well, of course.
- Good.
- Well I am a surgeon.
(audience laughs)
- I'd prefer a surgeon
who has some experience.
- But I have experience.
I've been a resident in
surgery for three years.
I've performed over a
hundred appendectomies
and all of them lived,
except the frog. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
- You killed a frog?
(audience laughs and claps)
- In any case, I'm not
gonna be sure until the test.
And we really better get
her down there to take it.
Now, you can have
your doctor call me there,
if you really think
it's necessary.
- All right, Doctor, I'll
have her down there.
But just for the test.
- Don't worry, a
nurse will take it.
And she's old.
(audience laughs)
Almost 35.
(audience laughs)
Uh, I'll see you down there.
(audience laughs)
- Doc, hold on, I'll
walk down with you.
Now, look, Mrs
Romano, don't worry.
I mean, he's got
a whole room full
of brand new medical
books down there,
colored pictures in 'em
and everything, all right.
(audience laughs)
Look, uh, Doctor, uh,
a friend of mine, uh
he met this gal
in a bowling alley,
and they hit it off,
you know, and uh,
now there's a little problem.
(audience laughs and claps)
- Ginny, we've got to go
down to the hospital, right?
And, uh, I've got to
contact a surgeon.
Now if there has
to be an operation,
that child is certainly
not gonna perform one.
So, would you do me a favor?
- Yeah.
Would you stay here
and wait for the real doctor
to call back?
- Sure, I'll lay right here.
(audience laughs)
- Mom, I'm kinda scared.
- Ah, sweet heart, there's
nothing to be scared about.
It's just, just a test.
- Yeah, well he told me
he might have to operate.
- He told you.
- Cut, is what he said.
(audience laughs)
- He apologized for that.
- Uh, Julie, sweet
heart, look, if there needs
to be an operation, we're
gonna get you a surgeon.
- Dr. Blanchard is a surgeon.
- Yeah, well.
- Mom, he's a super
doctor, I just know he is.
- Some super doctor,
he's got you half scared
to death without even knowing
what's the matter with you.
- Mother, he doesn't
think of me as a child.
I do believe I'm old
enough to face the truth.
- Yeah, well, okay,
we'll talk about that later.
Right now I'm gonna get a doctor
that I have confidence in.
- Mom, who cares
about your confidence?
It's my confidence that counts.
He's so strong and
tender and beautiful.
- Julie, in surgery,
beautiful doesn't help.
(audience laughs)
- Well, it doesn't hurt.
Besides, Mom, he understands me.
Nobody's gonna touch my
body but Ronnie Blanchard.
(audience laughs)
- Ronnie, huh?
Uh huh.
Well, all right, let's
not talk about this now.
Come on, let's just get
you down to the hospital.
- Like this?
Mom, I don't want him
to see me looking like this.
I'm gonna put on a new robe
and I'm gonna fix my hair.
Mom, I look sick.
(audience laughs)
- Julie, it's just for a test.
You may never even
have to see him again.
- Mom, don't say that.
(audience laughs)
- Julie, come on, let's go, huh.
(audience claps)
(bed whirring)
- Thanks.
- Sure.
- Oh.
- Does it really hurt?
- Well, not as bad
as a while ago.
If I have to have an operation,
I'll have an operation.
- You're braver than I am.
- I know.
(audience laughs)
Barbara, it's not
that I'm brave,
I'm just as human as anybody.
There's nothing to
fear but fear itself.
Why worry when you
know you're in good hands?
(audience laughs)
- All State's gonna operate?
(audience laughs)
Okay, okay, Dr
Blanchard is kinda foxy.
You know, I think
I feel an attack
of tonsillitis coming on.
(audience laughs)
- You have them out.
- They can grow back!
(audience laughs)
- Yeah, well, if they do, I
will remove them personally
with a pair of pilers.
Don't touch him,
Barbara, he's mine.
- Unless, he has a wife.
- Ah.
- Don't worry, he's too
broke to be married.
(audience laughs)
- When our eyes first met,
it was an electric moment.
(audience laughs)
The binding of two psyches.
He felt it too.
You know, Barbara, he
could use a woman like me.
I could help him on the way up.
Share his struggle to the top.
And when he becomes
rich and famous,
I could still be
right by his side.
- Didn't Jimmy Carter's
brother say that?
(audience laughs)
- Hi, sweet heart,
darlin, how're you doing?
- She's getting delirious.
(audience laughs)
- Ah, listen, did the
test results come in yet?
- Uh uh.
- Well, has Ginny
called with the doctor?
- Nope.
- (sighs) We're in a hospital.
We're in a hospital, right?
Now there should be a
doctor around here someplace.
- Mom, I don't
want another doctor.
- Well, and how are
we feeling tonight?
- Terrible.
- That's nice.
(audience laughs)
- I want Dr Blanchard.
- Darlin, we'll argue
about it later, okay?
- (muffled) You're just
afraid he's gonna marry me
and take me away from you.
- Marry, okay.
Operate, no.
(audience laughs)
- (whining) Mom.
- Now, honey, I am trying
to take your temperature,
and you've got
one of two choices.
Either I put it in
your mouth or...
- All right!
(audience laughs and claps)
- Head, she wins,
tail, she loses.
(audience laughs)
- Nurse, could
I, uh, talk to you?
- Yes, ma'am.
- Uh, do you know Dr Blanchard?
- Who?
- Dr Blanchard.
- No, I don't know him
but if he's on the staff
he's got to be good.
- Oh, uh, Nurse?
- Yes, Doctor?
- Uh, Doctor, excuse
me, are you a surgeon?
- Yes, but I only
do hair transplants.
(audience laughs)
- Well, uh, do you
know Dr Blanchard?
- Oh, is he the
shy gynecologist?
(audience laughs)
- No, he's a surgeon.
He says he is, but he
looks like he's about 12.
- Oh well, if he's on the staff,
he's got to be good.
(audience laughs)
Uh, Nurse?
- Yes, Doctor?
- Uh, Nurse, excuse me,
I've got to contact a surgeon.
I'm expecting a call.
I'm expecting a call
from Ginny Wrobliki.
- Well, if she's on the staff,
she's got to be good.
(audience laughs)
- Uh, wait a minute.
Is there somebody
on duty tonight?
Somebody in charge?
- Yes, Dr Danworth.
- Ooo, that's good.
Uh, would you do me a favor?
Would you ask him
to come down here?
Well, it's kinda an emergency.
You see, my daughter
needs an operation
and, and we don't have a doctor.
- Hello, Ms Romano.
- Hello, Doctor.
(audience laughs)
- If he's on the staff,
he's gotta be good.
- He's gotta be good.
(audience laughs)
- Well, here it is.
You've got a 16,000 white count,
a whole bunch of polys,
and a shift to the left.
- What does that mean?
- Well, that means I can
afford to get some furniture
for my new office. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
- I flunked the test.
- Mmhmm.
- Gotta have the operation.
- Ah, Julie, sweet heart.
Doctor, are you sure?
- Yes, I'm sure.
- Julie, I'm really sorry
I yelled at you tonight.
- It's okay.
- And always
remember, I loved you.
- Barbara. (audience laughs)
- Love you. (laughs)
(audience laughs) Love you.
And when you went
off to kindergarten,
I'm the one that
stabbed your teddy bear.
- You killed TuTu Bear!
(audience laughs)
- Hey, hey, hey!
- Don't leave me!
- It's okay.
We've got to get you prepped.
- Doctor, uh, is this urgent?
- Well, I could
do without a sofa
but I gotta have
a desk. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
- I don't think
that that's funny.
- I'm sorry.
I've been watching
M♪A♪S♪H a lot.
(audience laughs)
It's not so immediate
that we have to rush her
in right this minute,
but I really should
operate within the hour.
- Doc, look, I really appreciate
you coming down here
and uh, listen, uh, I think we
better understand each other.
Now, I'm sure you're
a very fine surgeon.
No, no, I'm not sure,
and I'm gonna get one
with more experience.
- Now?
- Yes.
- Mom, I need him.
- Julie, I'm sorry.
- Ms Romano, it's
just an appendectomy.
- Just an appendectomy.
Yeah, well, that's
the way you think of it.
I happen to think of it
as just my daughter's one
and only appendectomy.
- I didn't mean it like that.
I just meant
that it's... (sighs)
Look, I know that I'm young.
But I've been
licensed by this state
and I'm a damned good surgeon.
- Right, you're young.
- (scoffs) Mom, I'm
young too and I would like
to grow old.
(audience laughs)
- Honey, what do
you think I want?
- Ms Romano, you're
upsetting my patient.
- She's not your patient.
I haven't signed the
release forms yet.
- All right, all right.
I'm sorry, Julie.
If you want me, I'll be
down in the doctors' lounge.
I've got to practice
my knots anyway.
(audience laughs)
I'm taking sailing lessons.
(audience laughs)
Don't worry, Julie,
everything'll be fine.
- Mom, I trust him,
why don't you?
It's not your appendix.
- Oh, honey, I'm doing
this for your own good.
- That's what you
said the first time
you made me take castor oil.
(audience laughs)
- Barbara, go get the nurse.
See if she's found the doctor.
Hey, uh, call your
dad too, would ya?
- Okay.
- Ah, honey, look we just
don't have time to argue.
- You don't think young
people can do anything.
You never did.
You don't trust me.
- (quietly) Of course I do.
- Then why don't you trust him?
Can't you see
how beautiful he is?
- Honey, I'm afraid that's
the only thing you do see.
- Mom, I don't want some
stranger operating on me.
Uhh!
- Oh, Julie, I have
got to get a doctor.
- Mom, go ahead!
Go on and get some
old, gray haired doctor
with shaky hands.
But if he has a heart attack
while he's operating on me,
who do you think they're
gonna try and save?
(audience laughs and claps)
- Mom.
- How do you do?
I'm Dr Danworth.
- I told you.
(audience laughs)
- And how are you
doing, young lady?
Uh, you wanted to see me, Mrs?
- Uh Romano, yes
Doctor, thank you.
Uh, look, here's the situation.
My daughter needs
her appendix out
and now that's been confirmed,
but it happened right in
the middle of the night,
and the only doctor I could find
was some young kid,
whom I don't know,
and whom I don't trust.
- Well, I, uh, I appreciate
your reluctance
but, uh, ability and age
don't necessarily
go hand in hand.
There are many
fine, young doctors.
- See, Mom.
- Yeah, I know that,
but how do I know
that this doctor is fine?
- Well, if he's on the staff,
he's got to be good.
- Uhhhh!
- Oh come, I don't
want to hear this.
I mean, this is a
very lovely hospital,
and all that, but
I can't believe
that every doctor
here is a genius.
- You have a point there.
- I mean, how do
you find out if a doctor
is good if you're all trying
to protect each other?
- What we're trying to do
is maintain a high
standard of medicine.
And thereby protect the patient.
- That's a crock.
(audience laughs)
- Mrs. Romano, believe me, if we
discover an incompetent
doctor, that doctor goes.
- I just don't want
that discovery
to happen when my
daughter is being operated on.
Doctor, would you
operate on Julie?
- I'm sorry, I'm
already scheduled.
I'm assisting in surgery
in just a few minutes.
- Look, I had to come back.
I just couldn't let it...
Oh Carl.
- Hello, Ron.
I was just...
Wait a minute.
Is this your patient?
- She was.
- (laughs) Mrs Romano,
you're not only getting beauty,
you're getting age.
- What do you mean?
- I'm assisting Dr
Blanchard in the operation.
(audience laughs)
- What?
Why?
- The kid's pretty good.
He's got a new
technique on closures
that I'd like to observe.
(audience laughs)
- What do you say?
- (quietly) Okay.
- Thank you.
- I, uh, I guess I
owe you an apology.
- Nah, you don't
owe me anything, yet.
(audience laughs)
- His bedside
manner is the pits.
(audience laughs and claps)
White count of 16,000?
Don't you think you ought
to move your butt, Doctor?
- Uh, yes, Doctor, I'll get a
nurse to prep her right away.
- I'll see you in surgery.
I'll see you in surgery,
too, young lady.
- I'll boil some hot water.
(audience laughs)
- I'll see you later,
Mrs Romano.
- Thank you, Doctor.
- Dr Blanchard.
Good luck.
- (laughs) Don't worry.
It'll be over
before you know it.
- I'm not worry.
Not now.
Ron.
(audience laughs)
- Ms Romano?
- Yeah.
- Does your daughter
got a thing for me?
(audience laughs)
- Right again.
- (sarcastically)
Ooo, what'll I do?
I haven't read that chapter yet.
(audience laughs and claps)
(end theme plays)
- (Ms Romano) One Day At A Time
was recorded live on tape
before a studio audience.
(end theme plays)