One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 2, Episode 12 - Happy New Year - full transcript

Schneider and the Romanos put on a show for a local retirement home.

♪ This is it ♪ This is it

♪ This is life the one you get

♪ So go and have
a ball ♪ This is it

♪ This is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ Hold on tight
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ So walk on the
beat ♪ Walk on the beat

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a time

(telephone ringing)

- Hello?


- If that's Tom I don't
wanna talk to him.

- Larry, oh, she's not here now.

- Larry, that nerd
with the Mercedes?

I'll talk to him.

- It's not for you.

- Hello.

- Oh, just a minute.

She just came in.

Mom, some guy on
the phone named Larry

wants to talk to you.

- Tell him I'm not here.

- I just told him you were.

- Well, tell him something else.

Make something up.

You're good at that.

- Larry, mom can't
come to the phone now.

The pains are coming
every three minutes.

(audience laughs)

- Hello, Larry.

Yeah, well that was
just my daughter's idea

of a little joke.

You didn't have
to lie there, cute.

Larry, yeah, well,
that sounds wonderful.

Could you call me back, Larry?

I just got out of the shower.

I'm dripping wet.


- Father, I cannot tell a lie.

Martha cut down the cherry tree.

- Who's Larry?

- Some guy I met at the office.

He works there.

He asked me to go out
with him New Year's Eve

to the Empire Room for
dinner, dancing, champagne,

whoopie, noisemakers.

- Poor mom, what a terrible
way to start the new year.

- Honey, you know I
don't like big parties.

I always feel like I'm forcing
myself to have a good time.

- Still sounds like fun.

The party we're
going to is BYOB.

- Bring your own bottle?

- Bring your own boy.

- Why don't you go, ma?

It sounds like fun.

- I don't know, sweetheart.

(doorbell rings)

I don't consider myself
the party hat type.

♪ A pretty girl
♪ Is like a melody

(audience laughs)

(audience applauds)

- You're gorgeous.

- When did they operate?

- You just watch your step.

Ginny here is helping
me with my costume

for the New Year's Eve
party down at the lodge.

Me and Moose
Johnson and Beer Belly,

we always put on
a dance routine.

It's a sure winner.


Set them up in the other alley.

(Ann laughs)

- Ginny, you are going
to be seen with him

looking like that?

- Why not?

The peasant look is in.

- You're cute, honey.

- Ginny, I thought you
had to work on New Year's.

- No, the boss decided
to close down this year.

- He's closing a
bar on New Year's?

- Yeah, well last
year, right at midnight,

Father Time came in
and said happy New Year

and held us up.

(audience laughs)

- Look, if you wanna
come with Ginny and I

down to the lodge
you're welcome.

We got a great evening planned.

All the ribs and
kraut you can eat

and the music of Elmo
Sax and the Aristocrats.

They came in second
at the Gong Show.

(doorbell rings)

- [Ann] Yeah?

- Hi, I was looking for
Ginny across the hall,

but she ain't home.

- [Ginny] Orville, come on in.

- I got my friend,
Clifford, with me.

We don't wanna intrude.

- Oh, get outta here.

- Oh, okay.

(audience laughs)

- Come in and meet my
friends, Orville, Clifford.

Orville works at the bar.

This is Ann, Julie, Barbara,

and Dwayne Schneider, our super.

- How are ya, how are ya?

(audience laughs)

Look, don't get any ideas.

I'm just gonna dance
with a couple of guys.

I mean it's an act
down at the lodge.

- Don't bother to explain.

When you get to my age
there ain't no sharks left.

- You want to sit down?

- Don't mind if I do.

- You left your sweater
down at the bar, Ginny.

I just thought I'd bring it by.

- Oh, Orville, you
didn't have to do that.

- I didn't have
nothing else to do.

I was just out walking Clifford.

(audience laughs)

- See, it's a skit, see.

It's just a skit.

Me and two other guys,
we're all male guys.

(audience laughs)

- Are you a
bartender down there?

- Oh no, I'm just a dishwasher.

- The best dishwasher
in Indianapolis.

- See Beer Belly,
he's in it, too.

Beer Belly, he's a truck driver

and he's got really hairy legs,

but nothing to
compare with that.

You could staple a
two by four with that.

- Come on, Clifford.

- Time to eat again?

- Want some apple pie?

- You want some coffee?

- You wanna arm wrestle?

- Wanna ruin your dress?

- Nothing for us, thanks.

- I'll bet you're glad
you don't have to work

New Year's Eve, Mr Orville.

- Oh no, not me.

It's something to do.

I kinda like peeking
out of the kitchen

and watching everybody
singing and laughing

and telling jokes.

Sometimes they even
send a drink into the kitchen.

- Mr Orville, what are you
gonna do for New Year's?

- Barbara.

- I don't know.

Just hang around
the hotel, I guess.

They got a TV in the lobby.

Gotta play it so loud on
account of all the hearing aids.

- I have got a terrific idea.

Why don't you get yourself
a sexy date and live it up?

- Yes, Orville, there
are lots of cute chicks

at your hotel.

- Chicks?

You mean turkeys.

(audience laughs)

- Getting a date is easy.

What's hard is getting
them down the stairs.

Enjoy life while you're young.

- Look, look, you guys,

why don't you come on
down to the lodge with us

and join the party?

- Oh no, no thanks.

We don't step out too much.

- Don't wanna get too
far from the bathroom.

(audience laughs)

- We keep busy,

lying to each other
about how many times

the kids have called and
when they're gonna come again.

Well, thanks for the company.

- Won't you stay and have
some dessert with us, Mr Orville?

- Oh no thanks.

We've gotta run along.

Listen, I don't want
you to get the idea

that on New Year's Eve
we don't have a gay old,

oh, nothing personal.

(audience laughs)

We listen to Guy Lombardo.

- He's a comer, I'll tell you.

- Come on, Clifford.

Time to go.

- Oh, where is it?

(audience laughs)

- Back to the hotel
is what I mean.

- [Clifford] Why
didn't you say so?

- [Orville] I did say
so now come on.

- Orville, thanks for
bringing me the sweater.

- That's all right.

I didn't have
nothing else to do.

Oh, I forgot, Charlie
Higgins said to say hello

and Mrs Peabody.

- Oh thanks.

They're some of the
folks over at the hotel.

- They keep talking
about the time

you came to see me.

Charlie was playing the piano

and Ginny here, she got
up and she started to sing

and tell jokes and everything.

And when she started
to flirt with Ernie Dobson,

we almost bust a gut.

Gus almost blew
his pacemaker out.

They sure was lots of fun.

Yeah, well, listen, they
asked me to ask you

if you wanted to you could
drop by on New Year's Eve.

Of course I told
them I was pretty sure

you'd have a date
and everything.

- We've got enough action.

We've got Guy Lombardo
and all those Royal Canadians.

- Yeah, well,
nice to see you all.

Happy New Year, ladies.

- Hey, ladies?

I've been shaving
since I was 12.

(audience laughs)

- That's so sad.

All those nice people and
nobody has any time for them.

- Yeah, well, I mean, if we
weren't going down to the lodge.

- Well, why don't
we all stop by.

- Now, wait a second, Ginny.

I got get down
to the lodge early.

I'm on the hello
and smile committee.

- Give them a
hello and smile first?

- The ladies would really
flip over you, Schneider.

- We could do a show.

Ma, you could do
a dance routine.

- That's right.

Grandma's always bragging
about what a good dancer you are.

- I've got that date,
remember, girls?

- Yeah, yeah, the date with
the party and the noisemakers

and all those fun people.

- Come on, Schneider.

- Ah, Ginny, I have been
going to the lodge party

on New Year's for
16 straight years.

I have to lead the grand march.

I pull the balloon
string at 12 o'clock.

I unbung the beer.

- Couldn't you leave it
bunged just this once?

- You really have
a way with men.

All right, if we're gonna do it

we better do it right.

Now we only got three days

so I better lead off and
what I'm gonna lead off with,

my Mohammad Ali impression.

Rope a dope a dope a dope.

- [Ginny] Annie,
are you with us?

(audience applauds)

(crowd chattering)

- Excuse me.

Clifford, what are you doing?

The show's about to start.

- I don't wanna
miss Guy Lombardo.

- It ain't midnight yet.

- Take me that long to
get my tubes warmed up.

(audience laughs)

- Your tubes burned
out 20 years ago.

Now come on, sit down
and relax and enjoy the show.

You just might
like it, you know?

- A bunch of kids
butting in down here.

I suppose we'll
have to feed them.

- You know what's
the matter with you?

You didn't get our
All Bran this morning.

- Shut up, they're
starting, shut up, shush.

(audience applauds)

- Happy New Year everybody

and good evening
ladies and germs.

- Isn't that the girl
we met the other day?

- Well, I'm here tonight,
ladies and gentlemen,

to welcome you to
the grand ballroom

of the palatial
Park Utopia Hotel,

known affectionately as old PU.

- He's cute, I
adore his mustache.

- You know the last
time I checked into a hotel

was on my honeymoon and
the place was so crowded

they gave us a
bed in the elevator.

You talk about a marriage
having a lot of ups and downs.

Yes sirree.

- Guy Lombardo
tells better jokes.

- About New Year's resolutions,

I made a promise to myself

that this year I wasn't
gonna drink any more.

I wasn't gonna drink any less,

but I wasn't gonna
drink any more.

Oh yeah, like my dear
old mother used to say,

clean mind, clean body.

Take your pick.

(audience laughs)

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

while the piano
is being moved out

to signify that a
marvelous musical act

is coming on, I take great
pleasure and privilege

in introducing you
the biggest musical act

in show business.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Elton John and Kiki Dee.

(audience applauds)

♪ Don't go breaking my heart

♪ I couldn't if I tried

♪ Whoa honey if I get restless

♪ Baby you're not that kind

♪ Don't go breaking my heart

♪ You take the weight off of me

♪ Whoa honey when
you knock at my door

♪ Oo I give you my key ♪ Woo hoo

♪ Nobody knows it

♪ But when I was
down ♪ I was your clown

♪ Woo hoo ♪ Nobody
knows it ♪ Nobody knows

♪ 'Cause right from the start

♪ I gave you my heart

♪ Whoa oh I gave you my heart

♪ And nobody told us

♪ 'Cause nobody showed us

♪ And now it's up to us babe

♪ Whoa I think we can make it

♪ Don't misunderstand me

♪ You put the light in my life

♪ Oh you put the
spark to the flame

♪ I got your heart in
my sights ♪ Woo hoo

♪ Nobody knows it

♪ But when I was
down ♪ I was your clown

♪ And right from the start

♪ I gave you my heart

♪ Whoa I gave you my heart

♪ Don't go breaking my heart

♪ I won't go breaking your heart

♪ Don't go breaking my

♪ Don't go breaking my

♪ I won't go breaking your heart

♪ Don't go breaking my

♪ Don't go breaking my

♪ I won't go breaking your heart

♪ Don't go breaking my

♪ Don't go breaking my

♪ Don't go breaking my heart

(audience applauds)

- Probably whooping it up
in Times Square right now.

I'm missing all the mugging.

- Hey, hey yes sirree.

How about it, ladies
and gentlemen,

Elton John and Kiki Dee?

What do you say?

Yes sirree.

How about the two great piano
movers we have here, huh?

How about this great
country that we all live in?

Huh, how about that?

I mean that.

But I figure you're
all warmed up now

for me possible to sing for you

my favorite song, There's a
Hole in the Mattress, Honey,

So I'll Meet You in the Spring.

(audience laughs)

How about that?

The other side of that record,

I Can't Get Over
a Girl Like You,

So Get Up and Answer
the Phone Yourself.

(audience laughs)

Hey, would you like to
hear the old kangaroo song?

The old kangaroo song.

♪ I've got you under my skin

(audience laughs)

- He's funny.

- Yeah, yeah, these are
the biggest jokes I've got.

There's a woman
after my own heart.

Look at her there.

A doctor friend
gave me that joke.

He's got his practice in Cairo.

- He's a chiropractor.

- He's a chiropractor.

- Hey miss, get on
with the entertainment.

- When you go to the movies
do you talk back to the screen?

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

after a long engagement
on the Andrea Doria

and formally, of course,
of the Good Ship Lollipop,

it gives me great
pleasure to introduce to you

at this time, the one and
only Miss Shirley Temple.

(audience applauds)

♪ On the Good Ship Lollipop

♪ It's a sweet trip
to the candy shop

♪ Where bon bons play

♪ On the sunny
beach of Peppermint Bay

♪ Lemonade stands everywhere

♪ Crackerjack bands fill the air

♪ And there you are

♪ Happy landing
on a chocolate bar

♪ See the sugar
bowl do the tootsie roll

♪ With the big
bad devil's food cake

♪ If you eat too much ooh ooh

♪ You'll awake with a tummy ache

♪ On The Good Ship Lollipop

♪ It's a nice trip
into bed you hop

♪ With this command toot toot

♪ All aboard for
Candyland ♪ Here we go

♪ To the stairs

♪ On the Good Ship Lollipop

♪ It's a nice trip
into bed we'll hop

♪ And dream away on
the Good Ship Lollipop

(audience applauds)

Oh, thank you,
thank you, thank you.

It is really nice being here.


- [Mrs Peabody] Hi.

- How are you?

It's like smile.

I'll tell you something.

I'd sing you another song,

but I have to get my
curls back to Abbie Wren's.

Okay, I won't make a joke.

I would like to
introduce to you now

somebody that you know
and a very good friend of mine.

Directly from the Alibi Room
in downtown Indianapolis,

the one, the only,
your friend and mine,

Miss Ginny Wrobliki.

(audience applauds)

♪ Why this feeling
♪ Why this glow

♪ Why the thrill ♪
When you say hello

♪ It's a strange and
tender magic you do

♪ Mr Wonderful that's you

♪ Why this trembling
♪ When you speak

♪ Why this joy ♪
When you touch my cheek

♪ I must tell you what
my heart knows is true

♪ Mrs Wonderful that's you

♪ And why this longing

♪ To know your charms
♪ To spend forever

♪ Here in your arms

♪ Oh there's much
more I could say

♪ But the words
keep slipping away

♪ And I'm left with
only one point of view

♪ Mr Wonderful Mr
Wonderful Mr Wonderful

♪ I love you

(audience applauds)


Hit it.

♪ Mr Wonderful Mr
Wonderful Mr Wonderful

♪ I love you

♪ One more thing
♪ Then I'm through

♪ Mr Wonderful Mr
Wonderful Mr Wonderful

♪ I love you

Thank you, thank you.

Hey kids, come on
out, come on out.

(excited chatter)

Now listen,

thank you.

Up until now, we've
been doing all the dancing,

but I think it's time
we all joined in.

So everybody grab a partner.

- Come on, let's dance.

(funky dance music)

- Hold it, it's time, it's time!

It's almost 12 o'clock.

We've got about
seven seconds left.

- [Everyone] Seven, six, five,

four, three, two, one.

Happy New Year!

(noisemakers squawking)

♪ Should auld
acquaintance be forgot

♪ And never brought to mind?

♪ Should auld
acquaintance be forgot

♪ And days of auld lang syne.

♪ For auld lang syne my dear

♪ For auld lang syne

♪ We'll drink a
cup of kindness yet

♪ For auld lang syne

(audience applauds)

(upbeat music)

- [Ann] One Day at a Time
was recorded live on tape

before a studio audience.