One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 2, Episode 11 - The Maestro - full transcript

When Ann's boss assigns her to handle the PR for a visiting symphony conductor, she soon finds herself succumbing to the maestro's charms.

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ This is life, the one you get

♪ So go and have a ball

♪ Well, this is it, this is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here, enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doin' what you do

♪ Hold on tight,
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One day at a
time, one day at time

♪ One day at a time, da da da da

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a time, da da da da

♪ One day at a time

- Tada!

- What is that?

- This is a brand new product.

It is a processed hot dog
absolutely free of meat.

Mr. Connors assigned me
to write the press release

introducing it, so
I want you to try it.

- Will I live?

(audience laughing)

- Well, that's what we're
gonna find out, huh?

Go ahead.

(clears throat)


- Boiled eraser.

(audience laughing)

- That's it, huh?

Okay, well, try it
with a little salt here.

Go ahead.

- Salted boiled eraser.

(audience laughing)

- Well, I tried something.

- Move it, we're gonna be late.

- See you after school.

- No, I'm staying over
Marcy's tonight, remember?

- What, I thought
that was called off.

- I only said that
because Karen was here,

and she's Betty's best
friend and we all hate Betty.

(audience laughing)

Besides, Marcy only has
two beds and there's already

me and Jan and Cheryl
and Fred and Patty.

- Hold it!

(audience laughing)


- What a way to go.

(audience laughing)

- Fredericka.
- [Ann] Ah.

(audience laughing)

- I'm not gonna be
home tonight either, Mom.

- How come?

- Well, I'm staying at
Trudy's after the game.

- I thought Trudy
was staying here.

- Mom, can't you
get anything straight?

I can't have Trudy
over before I have Joan,

but Joan's best friend is Sue,

and Sue's sister,
Cathy, bought the tickets,

and if I have Cathy over,

- Uh, goodbye, darling,
have a good time.

- Goodbye. (audience laughing)

- Oh, do me a favor before
you go, will you, honey?

Come here.

I want you to try this.

It's a product I'm doing
public relations for.

- Do I have to?

- Well, for me.

(yelling dramatically)
(audience laughing)

(audience clapping)

(audience laughing)

Well, what do you think?

(audience laughing)

- What kind of a
hot dog is that?

- Well, we can't
use the term hot dog,

so we're gonna
call it, you ready?

- Mhm.

- Not Dog. (audience laughing)

- Oh boy, you are
in big trouble, Mom.

- (laughing) I gotta
write something about it.

- Why don't you just get
Joe Namath to shave with it?

(audience laughing)

See you tomorrow.

- Bye bye.

- Beretta could
feed it to his bird.

(high pitched) Birdie
want a not dog?

Birdie want a not dog?

(audience laughing)
(phone ringing)

- Hello?

- Ms. Romano?


- Yes, hello, Mr. Connors.

We're just trying
out the not dogs.

- Forget about the not dogs.

Put on your sexiest dress
and your best perfume,

and get here super fast.

(speaking foreign language)

(speaking foreign language)

- What was that all about?

- Well, I'm either in
line for a promotion,

or a proposition.

(audience laughing)

(sneezing offscreen)

God bless you!

Hi, Mr. Connors,
where is everybody?

- Everyone has the flu, MS
Romano, so you've got the ball.

(audience laughing)


The Flanagan Fertilizer
release, check it over.

- I got dressed up
to check fertilizer?

- I'm getting to that.
(audience laughing)

Now, just check
that for cliches.

- Gotcha, take out the cliches.

- No, put more in.

You wanna lose
Flanagan Fertilizer?

It's our bread and
butter, so to speak.

(audience laughing)

Also, Byron De
Veer is coming in.

- Byron De Veer.

That name sounds familiar.

- Well, it should.

He's the guest
conductor this week

with the Indianapolis Symphony.

The Symphony is our class
account and I'd kill to keep it.

Well, I'd be very pushy.
(audience laughing)

- Got it, important account.

- Byron leaves from
here, Heartland, USA,

on a State Department
tour of Russia.

I've written a release,
it's over there on the desk.

We'll get national press.

- That's terrific.

- Except Byron De Veer
must okay the release.

He's coming in for news photos.

I've ordered flowers, a
photographer, the works.

Then you take him to lunch
and get him to okay the release.

- (laughs) That's
why the sexy dress.

- You're very quick.

- Uh huh. (audience laughing)

- Now, remember, Byron is
a genius and a bit strange.

Just be nice.

- Strange?

- Don't worry,
you've got great legs.

(audience laughing)

- What do my legs
got to do with this?

- He's a leg man,
most musicians are.

(audience laughing)

or are they fanny men?

(audience laughing)

- Look, uh, Mr. Connors.

- No problem, your
fanny's alright, too.

We're covered either
way. (audience laughing)

- Good.

One question.

- Shoot.

- What kind of
legs does he have?

(audience laughing)

- Don't be obscene, MS
Romano, I am not well.

As for his legs, I leave
that research to you.

- Mr. Connors, look.

This whole thing is silly here.

See, I don't know the first
thing about this Byron De Veer.

- Not so well, he's
been on cover of Time.

- So has Robert Dole.

- Who?

- That's my point.

(audience laughing)

- MS Romano, I am not well.

If I don't leave now, I'm
certain to ruin my dignity,

the carpet and your appetite.

(audience laughing)

I'm trusting you with a
very important assignment.

- Because of my legs and fanny.

(audience laughing)

- Well, in business, one
usually starts at the bottom.

Good luck.

(audience laughing and clapping)

- Uh, MR Connors,

since this happens to
be show and tell day,

what kind of legs do you have?

(audience laughing)

- Eat your heart out.

(audience laughing and clapping)

- Oh, terrific, Romano.

Not gonna use sex appeal, right?

Gonna have a job based
on your ability alone, right?


Oh, hi.
- Hi.

- Why don't you
just put it over there,

it will be fine.

Uh, can I help you?

(phone ringing)

Excuse me.

Connors and Davenport?

Hi, Julie.

No, just an ordinary day,
I wasn't fired or seduced.

No, I just have to take some
kooky conductor to lunch.

(audience laughing)

Not train, symphony.


Would you hold it
a sec, sweetheart?


- Thank you.

- Mhm, thank you.

Honey, are you on a
break or something?

Okay, good.

Hey, thanks for worrying.

Yeah, bye bye.

Can I help you?

Wanna take a kooky
conductor to lunch?

(audience laughing)

- You're not.

- I am.

- Say something musical.

- Beethoven's Symphony
No. 6 in F major, Op. 68.

- You are. (audience laughing)

Hell, I didn't think you
were a symphony conductor.

- Some critics don't either.

(audience laughing)

- Look, I'm really
embarrassed here, Mr. De Veer.

I mean, I just, well, I didn't
recognize you in your helmet.

- You expected an elegant,
gray-haired man dressed in tails.

- Yeah, with a foreign accent.

I mean, I thought all symphony
conductors where European.

You know, like Swiss
steaks, Polish sausages,

French fries.

(Byron laughing)
(audience laughing)

- Well, sorry, I'm
from Minnesota.

- Really?

Huh, the only other
Minnesota celebrity I know

is Fran Tarkenton.

- Fran Tarkenton?

Is she a singer?

Rock? (audience laughing)

- He, quarterback, football.

- Oh, well I stopped
watching football

the first time I heard
Howard Cosell.

(Ann laughing)

(audience laughing and clapping)

- Hey, uh, what's
with the helmet?

- Oh, I rented a
bike to play a trick

on old, uptight Connors
when we go to lunch.

Can't you just visualize
Connors hanging on for his life

while we're doing wheelies?

(Ann laughing)
(audience laughing)

You have a marvelous laugh.

- Oh.

- It's a little off-key.

(Ann laughing)
(audience laughing)

With marvel.

Where is Connors?

- Connors?

Mr. Connors.

He's sick.

I'm sorry, I'm Ann Romano, hi.

I'm supposed to
take you to lunch

and go over your press release.

- Consider it approved.

- Mr. Connors wrote it.

- I better read it.
(audience laughing)

He tends to overdo it.

- (laughing) You do know him.

- His enthusiasm sometimes
leans towards overkill.

(Ann laughing)

Can I see the release?

- Oh, uh, yeah.

Oh, excuse me.


- Byron De Veer, the
sleek, young, bright

Adonis of the podium.

(audience laughing)
- Overkill.

- No, no, no, so
far he's right on.

(Ann laughing)
(audience laughing)

I still think we better check
it out, together, over lunch.

After all, it's on Connors.

- Uh, Connors and Davenport?

- Yeah, I'm Connors,
she's Davenport.

- (laughing) You're
the photographer.

- Oh, no, I'm the Avon lady.

(audience laughing)

What do you want me to shoot?

- This gentleman
against the floral display.

It's for a PR release.

- Look, there's no sense
making the Russians angry

before I even get there.

Might make them see red.

Sorry about that.

(audience laughing)

Hey, Davenport, come here.

You can be presenting
these to me in the picture.

- Oh, uh, no, I
don't think that,

- Please.

Two things universally
understood are flowers

and a beautiful woman.

You're blushing.

Well, my girls are
gonna be very surprised

to see this hit the papers.

- Was that your daughter
on the phone when I came in?

- Hmm.

- What's your husband do?

- I'm divorced.

(audience laughing)

- Divorced, what
a wonderful word.

(Ann laughing)
(audience laughing)

- Maybe you guys would
like me to turn out the lights,

come back a little later?

(audience laughing)

- Sorry, we'll behave.

(audience laughing)

Don't you think we ought
to stand a little closer?

- Whatever turns you on.

(audience laughing)


Thank you.

- No, I think that
I have one more.

Something like this.



- I'll have these for you this
afternoon, Mr. Davenport.

- I'm Connors, she's Davenport.

- Who cares?

(audience laughing)

- (laughing) I hope you
don't mind having lunch

with me instead of the boss.

- Well, let's start
things off right

by not pretending
with each other.

You know I don't mind.

And I hope you don't.

- No, I don't.

- You ever been to a
symphony rehearsal?

- Mm-mm.

- I got one this afternoon
for tonight's concert.

You wanna come?

- Uh, well, I, uh,

- Please?

It would be a great chance
for me to show off for you.

- No pretending, right?

- Right?

- Then why are you
pretending I might say no?

(Byron laughing)

I'll get my coat.

(audience clapping)

Byron, I want you to know I
thought that rehearsal was fun.

I love the way you
are with that orchestra.

- Well, I try to make them
laugh so they stay loose.

- De Veer conducts Tchaikovsky,

music in the romantic tradition.

Hmm, that is very impressive.

- Thank you.

And you know, if you
don't like the music,

the record makes
a great Frisbee.

(audience laughing)

Are these your daughters?

- Yeah.

- You must have
been a child bride.

- The great
American triple-play:

High school to
married to pregnant.

(audience laughing)

Hmm, at least I got
them in the right order.

(audience laughing)

- Well, while all you
folks were doing that,

I was locked away, practicing.

- How come you
never got married?

- Never enough time for it.

I joke a lot about music,
but it takes longer to become

a good conductor than it
does to become a surgeon.

So you end up learning
to live through the music.

Mozart taught me to laugh,
and Beethoven, to cry.

- Most men wouldn't
admit to the crying part.

- Most men never get
to conduct Beethoven.

(audience laughing)

I've never made it
through the 9th Symphony

with dry eyes yet.

It's a miracle.

Written by a man who had
gone deaf about the joy of life.

It's a great way
to learn to cry.

Wish I had known you then.

- When was that?

- When you were warming
up for your triple play.

(audience laughing)

But then I wouldn't
have the pleasure

of meeting you now, would I?

Was your divorce bitter?

- Do I look bitter?

- No, sweet.

Very sweet.

- Mm, tell me about Russia.

(audience laughing)

- Russia?

- Uh, your tour.

Uh, when do you leave?

- I leave late tonight.

It's supposed to be
some kind of culture swap.

A dozen trained bears
for one conductor.

Somehow that's supposed
to prevent World War 3.

(audience laughing)

I think we're getting
even for Yalta.

(audience laughing)

Look, I can never
eat before I conduct,

so I hope you don't
mind if we eat afterward.

- I thought you'd never ask.

- Oh, great, half a day

and already I'm
taking you for granted.

Ann Romano, will you do
me the honor of joining me

for the concert and
dinner afterwards?

- (chuckles) Ann Romano
would be delighted.

- Great.

- If I get a standing
ovation, Chateaubriand,

a single bow, a Big Mac.

(Ann laughing)
(audience laughing)

- I am going to
start that ovation.

- (laughing) Great.
(audience laughing)

And look,

if you find yourself
getting too hungry,

just give me a nod
and I'll rush the tempo

of the Brahms Symphony.

(audience laughing)

I'll give you a call from
the hotel just as I'm leaving.

- Where are you staying?

- At the Empire, but
under an assumed name.

Since that Time cover,
there've been a few problems.

Last week, in Cincinnati, I
discovered a teenage girl

under my bed.

- Aw, the price of fame.

- Then I discovered her
mother in the bathroom.

(Ann laughing)
(audience laughing)

And when they
discovered each other,

it was a very
exciting 10 minutes.

(audience laughing)

You know this is impossible.

- Mm, and as two mature
adults we should stop it right now.

- Right now.

See you at seven.

- Don't be late.

What is this assumed
name you go under this hotel

to keep all the women away?

- Robert Redford.

- (Ann laughing)
(audience laughing)

(audience laughing)

- I didn't realize you were
(speaking foreign language).

(audience laughing)

- He yours?

- Comes with the building.

Schneider, what
are you doing here?

- I just wanna prevent
your sink from clogging.

(audience laughing)

- My sink isn't clogged.

- I know that.

This is what you call
preventive maintenance.

(audience laughing)

Know what I mean?

(audience laughing)

I mean, if you declog
before they reclog,

you never have to unclog.

(audience laughing and clapping)

Talking about strangers, I
happen to be Dwayne Schneider,

the superintendent
of these prem,

- Ann, can I borrow a cup of
boiling water to make an egg?

(audience laughing)

Oh, I didn't realize
you had company.

But as long as I'm here.

- Ginny.

Byron De Veer, I would like
you to meet Ginny Wrobliki,

Dwayne Schneider,

two of my dearest
and nosiest neighbors.

- Bryon De Veer, I should
have recognized you

from the Time cover.

It's lovely to meet you.

(audience laughing)

- My pleasure.

- (gasps) Ann.

(audience laughing)

- How are you?

(audience laughing and clapping)

- I have your latest
album, both sides.

(audience laughing)

It's still in the
plastic wrapper,

I don't want you to get dusty.

(audience laughing)

- That's good,
I'm allergic to dust.

- (laughing) Bless your heart.

- Album, album?

De Veer, De Veer!

You're that judge rock star!

- Try conductor.

- Oh, you mean
like Lawrence Welk?

- And a one, and a two,
and a three, that's a me.

(audience laughing)

- You even count classy.

- No, no, no, Count Classy,
he's that black piano player.

(audience laughing and clapping)

- I took piccolo lessons
when I was a kid.

My mother gave me the
choice of that or the piano.

- Why the piccolo?

- Did you ever try
to lose a piano?

(audience laughing)

- But, you know, I once
lost a whole orchestra.

They went to Houston and
somehow my plane went to Boston.

- (laughing) He
lost it in Boston.

(audience laughing)

- I don't know too much about
classical music or nothing,

but maybe you know this one.

♪ Te de din, te de
din, te de din din din

♪ Te de din, te de
din, te de din din din

♪ Te de din, te de
din, te de din din din

♪ Te de din - The
Overture to William Tell.

- To the Lone Ranger.

(audience laughing)

Me and the ex-wife,
that was our favorite.

We played it on our honeymoon.

♪ Te de din, te de
din, te de din din din

♪ Te de din, te de
din, te de din din din

(audience laughing)

- (laughing) I'll never
conduct that again

with a straight face.

(audience laughing)

Well, excuse me,
but I've gotta go.

(audience laughing)

It's been a distinct pleasure.

(Ginny giggling)

Look here, Davenport,
I'll see you at seven.

- You got it, Connors.

(audience laughing)

When does your plane leave?

- In about one hour.

- And are you packed?

- Yes.

- You have time
for a cup of coffee?

- I thought you'd never ask.

(Ann giggles)

(audience laughing)

- Settle for instant?

- Yep.

(water running)

(audience laughing)

- Oh, you made me miss.

- That's encouraging.

(Ann giggling)

- Um, mug or cup?

- I'm flexible, you decide.

(audience laughing)

(Ann giggling)

- You want cream or sugar?

- Neither one.

(phone ringing)

- Who can be calling this late?

- Do you really care?

- It could be the girls, yeah.
- Oh.

(phone ringing)

- Hello?

Mrs. Harris.

Well, I've been out all evening.


Oh, is it tomorrow night?

I forgot.

I'm supposed to bake
chocolate chip cookies

for the PTA meeting
tomorrow night.

- Tough assignment.

(audience laughing)

- Uh, yeah, hello,
I'm here still.

Yeah, four dozen, right.

Yeah, well I'm glad
you reminded me.

You certainly can depend on me.

(audience laughing)

Styrofoam cups?

I thought Adele Emerson
was bringing the (gasps) cups.

(audience laughing)

She did?

Oh, boy or girl?

- Congratulations
to Adele Emerson.

- Congratulations
to Adele Emerson.

No, I won't forget the brownies.

- Chocolate chip cookies,

- Chocolate chip cookies.

(audience laughing)

Bye, Mrs. Harris.

(audience laughing)


(audience laughing)


- Hello, this is Byron De Veer.

I have a reservation
on flight 128 tonight.

Can you get me
on another flight?

No, later than that.

(audience laughing)

♪ Ti di yum, ti di
yum, ti di yum pum pum

♪ Ti di yum, ti di
yum, ti di yum pum pum

(audience laughing and clapping)

(uptempo instrumental music)

- [Ann] One Day at a Time
was recorded live on tape

for a studio audience.

(uptempo instrumental music)