Oh Hell (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Examen - full transcript
Now, tell me why you're
refusing to go to school.
I will go to school as soon as
my parents sleep together again.
I've already told
them that in writing.
W... What?
I demand that the two
have sexual intercourse
and, furthermore, I would like
them to have a second child.
I would like a sister. I
find little boys unpleasant.
On that point, I am willing
to compromise a bit,
because you can't control that.
And this, uhm...
wish that you have,
that your, uhm... parents
are close again and...
Have sexual intercourse.
Really juicy sexual intercourse,
with the penis in the vagina.
Uhm...
Good.
We are, uhm...
gathered here today
because you have
accumulated some absences.
Yep.
And... you forged your
parents' signature.
And wrote the excuses
yourself, right?
"Our daughter is suffering from
a fracture of the nasal wall bone
and cannot attend
class this week."
"Our daughter is suffering from
a lalophilic teramenser
syndrome and...
unfavorable exhalations.
She simply cannot come in."
"Our daughter is suffering
from a plague infection,
and can't come in."
The fire department
brought the forest fire under
control via two attack routes.
A total of 60 firefighters with
12 vehicles were on the scene.
The police have started an investigation
into the cause of the fire.
Whoever the perpetrator
is, hopefully he or she
will think about it
their entire life.
I mean, we are privileged here.
That would be different
in Rwanda, for example.
In those countries
there's real poverty.
I mean, look, Hell. We have a garbage
pickup coming every week here.
In Rwanda, for example, the
first thing NGOs have to do
is create awareness
for waste management.
- Don't you want to introduce him to me?
- Oskar?
At a press conference, Helene,
aka. Rwanda Sternberg,
introduced her new, handsome, intelligent
and multilingual boyfriend to the public,
aka. Maike.
At the same time,
she told the audience
that she wanted to take on a
new professional challenge.
"Let's do it then."
We are Gardendreams.
Back there's Credit Room 24
and, in the front, eroticism.
"To be successful,
you have to start at the bottom,
because only those who start at
the bottom can finish at the top,"
Sternberg told journalists.
Okay.
Let's do it then.
In principle, the main
thing is to upsell.
So if a guy wants a Chimpson,
you need to try to convince him
that a Larry is even better.
I just showed you one. The
10-inch ceramic pot in azure blue.
Yoo-hoo! Helene, honey.
- You gonna pick it up?
- Helene, honey.
- Yeah. It's my dad.
- You-hoo! Helene, honey.
- You-hoo! Helene, honey.
- He looks good.
You-hoo! Helene, honey.
Yeah. My dad lives
for people telling him he looks good.
- Katrin? Can you come here?
- You-hoo! Helene, honey.
You-hoo! Helene, honey.
You-hoo! Helene, honey.
- Hi.
- Where are you?
With Chimpson and
Larry, at the school.
- Are they college friends of yours?
- Yeah, that's right.
Don't be nervous.
Why?
Well... Day of all days.
An unexpected incident
occurred in Helene
Rwanda, when...
Nope. I'm kinda
tired of this voice. Enough is enough.
Yeah, true.
Yeah, I... I'm super excited.
You think I'd miss
your exam day?
You think I wouldn't
remember what matters to you?
No, Dad. I don't think that.
I know that you always
think about what I think.
He really does.
He even knew that I only
wanted the Kinder eggs
with the "Beachnose on
Club Vacations" figures.
The ones I didn't have.
That's definitely not Baron von
Zwick. That's Schläck and Wäck.
No. Schläck
and Wäck sound brighter.
They also clatter together.
You see?
Yes! Yeah!
- Yes! Woo!
- Yeah!
I have
to go to Bucharest.
I have to convince the Romanians
to invest the EU money.
As if the prospects
are exhausted...
Romania is the keyword. They
still have visions there.
Already in the hall?
Yeah.
Are many parents from
the others there?
No, none.
There's... no
parents around here.
If only I could convince the
Romanians that I can't come...
You don't have to, Papa.
You worked so hard for this.
Yeah.
All that hard work.
"The Great Slog", finally
rewarded. My daughter!
An academic!
Yes.
Describe everything you
see, as if I were there.
Oh, it's really nothing special.
No... It's only just a big hall.
It's not a huge affair. And, for
now, I really don't see any parents.
It's not a... big deal
I can imagine just how you look.
The pride in your eyes.
Thanks, Papa.
I have to hang up.
Bye.
Gardendreams24, how can I help?
Oh, screw Romania.
My father's
never been inside a university.
He figured no one would
take him seriously.
- Good day.
- Mhm.
It is a good day, right?
- Mhm.
- Yeah.
Have a child
who's getting the exam?
Yes, my son.
- Wonderful feeling, right?
- Yes.
She's gonna knock 'em out.
The prosecutors in court
won't believe their own eyes.
You have a problem with
spider mites, right?
Spider mites are so little that you
can't see them with the naked eye.
Spider mites have a more or less
pronounced pear-shaped appearance
and reach a body length of
0.25 to 0.8 millimeters.
You know, those up there don't really know
what those on the ground actually need.
They are all sitting together
in the same... soup pot.
And on the idiosoma there
are no more than 16 hairs.
There's a 1,200 subspecies
of spider mites.
Are you vaccinated?
Well, I'm not.
I mean, isn't that incredible?
1,200 kinds!
I mean, think about that. 1,200!
I mean, it's like one
spider mite species
doesn't even know the
other species exists.
My daughter is different.
She doesn't do things the same.
Her name's Helene.
Remember that.
Can I ask you if you like khaki?
You keep any animals?
Yeah. And you enjoy
spending time baking stuff?
Cool. I like you.
She stood out in
elementary school.
Because she was talented.
That's always the problem.
Already in school, she
was working as a lawyer.
She has always
helped the weak...
against the bullies.
I'm proud that we're...
both human.
That we both belong to the
same spider mite species.
Yeah.
She also legally prepared
my divorce from my wife.
She got it all from
the internet, actually.
I just don't know how she could
remember it all. It's crazy.
Though, my wife still
won the lawsuit.
Had to buy her out of the house
for at least three times
what it used to cost.
Now she's in a new house,
with my former dermatologist.
An unpleasant guy, but
a good dermatologist.
So... Where's the
dean? Any idea?
I hope I've been able to answer
your question satisfactorily.
Subscribe to our newsletter.
Talk soon at Gardendreams24.
Shit!
The great
thing about always screwing up
is you become incredibly competent
at covering up your screw-ups.
How would it actually be if
I were a successful woman,
giving presentations somewhere?
This one, for example,
travels to Munich
and will give some PowerPoint
presentation about some shit.
As we can see, the overall ratio
of some shit versus some other shit
has been very healthy.
Ms. Kastolsky van der Kraa,
if I could ask you, please,
how will the some shit factor
perform in the second quarter
versus this some other shit?
Well, the market entry of
some completely different shit
will keep the ratio of some
shit comparatively stable
relative to some other shit.
Thank you.
Oh,
no. Look who's here again...
Did you actually return the overhead
projector that you borrowed?
Where does this, uhm...
This exam thing go on?
Thanks!
And the coffee mug?
And the frog spawn from biology?
Where were you, Helene?
Long story.
I always knew you
were going your way.
I've always said that
my girl can do it.
- Mmm!
- Thank you, Papa.
Hmm.
Crazy!
Helene, you're here?
I thought you were
in jail or something.
This is Marco. He always
makes the best gags.
Seriously.
I mean, I haven't seen you
around for at least four years.
Yeah! I haven't seen you in a
while, Guess I wasn't at school.
I must've got the
certificate off the internet.
True. Word for word.
Papa... Let's go.
Before any more juicy
details about me come out.
My father...
He's been disconnected from
public opinion for years,
and his body has
disconnected from him.
The years since he divorced
my mother have actually been
a string of uncoupling events.
First, he broke
up with my mother.
Although, I should say I wasn't
entirely innocent in this.
Aware of your responsibility,
you affirm in court
you'll tell the whole truth
to the best of your knowledge
and aren't concealing anything.
Helene, it's past 12.
Appeal overruled.
- Tomorrow's a school day.
- Objection overruled. Warning!
The defendants hereby stand accused
of continuously not looking,
not touching and not
smiling at each other.
The witness, please.
Helene, the daughter.
I petition my parents
give me a guarantee
that they will not
divorce each other.
And that they sleep
with each other
at least as often as Maike's
parents sleep together.
Whenever I spend the night at
Maike's, her parents sleep together
while listening to music
from South America.
I want that too.
To be honest, I
think I made my parents ask themselves
if they wanted to
be who they became.
Go ahead.
Make some tender gesture.
Please go to sleep, huh?
First
a kiss, with tongue.
Let's
just kiss then.
Why? Just because
our daughter wants us to?
That's totally weird.
Doesn't
seem so easy for you.
Let's resume
the evidentiary hearing.
Witness Gonzalo
Kaltarro-Dentro, please.
I found a note while
I was cleaning.
"1:45 p.m., Andreas Spellart."
That's my dermatologist.
It's Mom's handwriting.
Yeah.
That's her writing.
Yeah. That's my handwriting.
Then he
decoupled the hair from his butt.
Then he disaffiliated
from the CDU.
Then he screwed a
roof rack on his car
and drove a surfboard
around for a while.
Not that he was
surfing or anything.
At a certain age, it's no
longer about the thing itself,
but about driving the
right equipment around.
Damn! It really stinks.
It must have been a big piece
of forest that burned down.
What kind of ruthless,
antisocial idiot does that?
I've got something for you.
Close your eyes.
Close your eyes!
And here comes the gift!
I actually bought it a few years
ago and saved it for this day.
Here's to you wearing it... on
your first day in the courtroom.
Put it on.
Put it on, Helene!
You have earned that.
Do it for my sake.
I won't take photos
or post anything.
Then it's finally the most
beautiful day in my life.
My parents don't love
each other anymore
and it must stop, because
I'm suffering a trauma.
Uhm, trauma...
You know, that's an, uhm...
It's a severe, severe crisis.
And diagnosing that is not
as easy as you might think.
Some time ago, I
self-diagnosed it.
Yeah, but do you then believe
that anything can be changed
simply by demanding it?
Yeah.
It's not that hard.
They should just
love each other.
And do you think that love can simply
just be brought back to the way it was?
Yep.
Would be nice.
Well, you know, sir...
Our daughter is,
uhm... so talented.
Oh... Not that again.
Really. I can't.
Yeah.
RITALIN 10 GR PILLS 1X
IN THE EVENING WITH H2O
You're welcome.
refusing to go to school.
I will go to school as soon as
my parents sleep together again.
I've already told
them that in writing.
W... What?
I demand that the two
have sexual intercourse
and, furthermore, I would like
them to have a second child.
I would like a sister. I
find little boys unpleasant.
On that point, I am willing
to compromise a bit,
because you can't control that.
And this, uhm...
wish that you have,
that your, uhm... parents
are close again and...
Have sexual intercourse.
Really juicy sexual intercourse,
with the penis in the vagina.
Uhm...
Good.
We are, uhm...
gathered here today
because you have
accumulated some absences.
Yep.
And... you forged your
parents' signature.
And wrote the excuses
yourself, right?
"Our daughter is suffering from
a fracture of the nasal wall bone
and cannot attend
class this week."
"Our daughter is suffering from
a lalophilic teramenser
syndrome and...
unfavorable exhalations.
She simply cannot come in."
"Our daughter is suffering
from a plague infection,
and can't come in."
The fire department
brought the forest fire under
control via two attack routes.
A total of 60 firefighters with
12 vehicles were on the scene.
The police have started an investigation
into the cause of the fire.
Whoever the perpetrator
is, hopefully he or she
will think about it
their entire life.
I mean, we are privileged here.
That would be different
in Rwanda, for example.
In those countries
there's real poverty.
I mean, look, Hell. We have a garbage
pickup coming every week here.
In Rwanda, for example, the
first thing NGOs have to do
is create awareness
for waste management.
- Don't you want to introduce him to me?
- Oskar?
At a press conference, Helene,
aka. Rwanda Sternberg,
introduced her new, handsome, intelligent
and multilingual boyfriend to the public,
aka. Maike.
At the same time,
she told the audience
that she wanted to take on a
new professional challenge.
"Let's do it then."
We are Gardendreams.
Back there's Credit Room 24
and, in the front, eroticism.
"To be successful,
you have to start at the bottom,
because only those who start at
the bottom can finish at the top,"
Sternberg told journalists.
Okay.
Let's do it then.
In principle, the main
thing is to upsell.
So if a guy wants a Chimpson,
you need to try to convince him
that a Larry is even better.
I just showed you one. The
10-inch ceramic pot in azure blue.
Yoo-hoo! Helene, honey.
- You gonna pick it up?
- Helene, honey.
- Yeah. It's my dad.
- You-hoo! Helene, honey.
- You-hoo! Helene, honey.
- He looks good.
You-hoo! Helene, honey.
Yeah. My dad lives
for people telling him he looks good.
- Katrin? Can you come here?
- You-hoo! Helene, honey.
You-hoo! Helene, honey.
You-hoo! Helene, honey.
- Hi.
- Where are you?
With Chimpson and
Larry, at the school.
- Are they college friends of yours?
- Yeah, that's right.
Don't be nervous.
Why?
Well... Day of all days.
An unexpected incident
occurred in Helene
Rwanda, when...
Nope. I'm kinda
tired of this voice. Enough is enough.
Yeah, true.
Yeah, I... I'm super excited.
You think I'd miss
your exam day?
You think I wouldn't
remember what matters to you?
No, Dad. I don't think that.
I know that you always
think about what I think.
He really does.
He even knew that I only
wanted the Kinder eggs
with the "Beachnose on
Club Vacations" figures.
The ones I didn't have.
That's definitely not Baron von
Zwick. That's Schläck and Wäck.
No. Schläck
and Wäck sound brighter.
They also clatter together.
You see?
Yes! Yeah!
- Yes! Woo!
- Yeah!
I have
to go to Bucharest.
I have to convince the Romanians
to invest the EU money.
As if the prospects
are exhausted...
Romania is the keyword. They
still have visions there.
Already in the hall?
Yeah.
Are many parents from
the others there?
No, none.
There's... no
parents around here.
If only I could convince the
Romanians that I can't come...
You don't have to, Papa.
You worked so hard for this.
Yeah.
All that hard work.
"The Great Slog", finally
rewarded. My daughter!
An academic!
Yes.
Describe everything you
see, as if I were there.
Oh, it's really nothing special.
No... It's only just a big hall.
It's not a huge affair. And, for
now, I really don't see any parents.
It's not a... big deal
I can imagine just how you look.
The pride in your eyes.
Thanks, Papa.
I have to hang up.
Bye.
Gardendreams24, how can I help?
Oh, screw Romania.
My father's
never been inside a university.
He figured no one would
take him seriously.
- Good day.
- Mhm.
It is a good day, right?
- Mhm.
- Yeah.
Have a child
who's getting the exam?
Yes, my son.
- Wonderful feeling, right?
- Yes.
She's gonna knock 'em out.
The prosecutors in court
won't believe their own eyes.
You have a problem with
spider mites, right?
Spider mites are so little that you
can't see them with the naked eye.
Spider mites have a more or less
pronounced pear-shaped appearance
and reach a body length of
0.25 to 0.8 millimeters.
You know, those up there don't really know
what those on the ground actually need.
They are all sitting together
in the same... soup pot.
And on the idiosoma there
are no more than 16 hairs.
There's a 1,200 subspecies
of spider mites.
Are you vaccinated?
Well, I'm not.
I mean, isn't that incredible?
1,200 kinds!
I mean, think about that. 1,200!
I mean, it's like one
spider mite species
doesn't even know the
other species exists.
My daughter is different.
She doesn't do things the same.
Her name's Helene.
Remember that.
Can I ask you if you like khaki?
You keep any animals?
Yeah. And you enjoy
spending time baking stuff?
Cool. I like you.
She stood out in
elementary school.
Because she was talented.
That's always the problem.
Already in school, she
was working as a lawyer.
She has always
helped the weak...
against the bullies.
I'm proud that we're...
both human.
That we both belong to the
same spider mite species.
Yeah.
She also legally prepared
my divorce from my wife.
She got it all from
the internet, actually.
I just don't know how she could
remember it all. It's crazy.
Though, my wife still
won the lawsuit.
Had to buy her out of the house
for at least three times
what it used to cost.
Now she's in a new house,
with my former dermatologist.
An unpleasant guy, but
a good dermatologist.
So... Where's the
dean? Any idea?
I hope I've been able to answer
your question satisfactorily.
Subscribe to our newsletter.
Talk soon at Gardendreams24.
Shit!
The great
thing about always screwing up
is you become incredibly competent
at covering up your screw-ups.
How would it actually be if
I were a successful woman,
giving presentations somewhere?
This one, for example,
travels to Munich
and will give some PowerPoint
presentation about some shit.
As we can see, the overall ratio
of some shit versus some other shit
has been very healthy.
Ms. Kastolsky van der Kraa,
if I could ask you, please,
how will the some shit factor
perform in the second quarter
versus this some other shit?
Well, the market entry of
some completely different shit
will keep the ratio of some
shit comparatively stable
relative to some other shit.
Thank you.
Oh,
no. Look who's here again...
Did you actually return the overhead
projector that you borrowed?
Where does this, uhm...
This exam thing go on?
Thanks!
And the coffee mug?
And the frog spawn from biology?
Where were you, Helene?
Long story.
I always knew you
were going your way.
I've always said that
my girl can do it.
- Mmm!
- Thank you, Papa.
Hmm.
Crazy!
Helene, you're here?
I thought you were
in jail or something.
This is Marco. He always
makes the best gags.
Seriously.
I mean, I haven't seen you
around for at least four years.
Yeah! I haven't seen you in a
while, Guess I wasn't at school.
I must've got the
certificate off the internet.
True. Word for word.
Papa... Let's go.
Before any more juicy
details about me come out.
My father...
He's been disconnected from
public opinion for years,
and his body has
disconnected from him.
The years since he divorced
my mother have actually been
a string of uncoupling events.
First, he broke
up with my mother.
Although, I should say I wasn't
entirely innocent in this.
Aware of your responsibility,
you affirm in court
you'll tell the whole truth
to the best of your knowledge
and aren't concealing anything.
Helene, it's past 12.
Appeal overruled.
- Tomorrow's a school day.
- Objection overruled. Warning!
The defendants hereby stand accused
of continuously not looking,
not touching and not
smiling at each other.
The witness, please.
Helene, the daughter.
I petition my parents
give me a guarantee
that they will not
divorce each other.
And that they sleep
with each other
at least as often as Maike's
parents sleep together.
Whenever I spend the night at
Maike's, her parents sleep together
while listening to music
from South America.
I want that too.
To be honest, I
think I made my parents ask themselves
if they wanted to
be who they became.
Go ahead.
Make some tender gesture.
Please go to sleep, huh?
First
a kiss, with tongue.
Let's
just kiss then.
Why? Just because
our daughter wants us to?
That's totally weird.
Doesn't
seem so easy for you.
Let's resume
the evidentiary hearing.
Witness Gonzalo
Kaltarro-Dentro, please.
I found a note while
I was cleaning.
"1:45 p.m., Andreas Spellart."
That's my dermatologist.
It's Mom's handwriting.
Yeah.
That's her writing.
Yeah. That's my handwriting.
Then he
decoupled the hair from his butt.
Then he disaffiliated
from the CDU.
Then he screwed a
roof rack on his car
and drove a surfboard
around for a while.
Not that he was
surfing or anything.
At a certain age, it's no
longer about the thing itself,
but about driving the
right equipment around.
Damn! It really stinks.
It must have been a big piece
of forest that burned down.
What kind of ruthless,
antisocial idiot does that?
I've got something for you.
Close your eyes.
Close your eyes!
And here comes the gift!
I actually bought it a few years
ago and saved it for this day.
Here's to you wearing it... on
your first day in the courtroom.
Put it on.
Put it on, Helene!
You have earned that.
Do it for my sake.
I won't take photos
or post anything.
Then it's finally the most
beautiful day in my life.
My parents don't love
each other anymore
and it must stop, because
I'm suffering a trauma.
Uhm, trauma...
You know, that's an, uhm...
It's a severe, severe crisis.
And diagnosing that is not
as easy as you might think.
Some time ago, I
self-diagnosed it.
Yeah, but do you then believe
that anything can be changed
simply by demanding it?
Yeah.
It's not that hard.
They should just
love each other.
And do you think that love can simply
just be brought back to the way it was?
Yep.
Would be nice.
Well, you know, sir...
Our daughter is,
uhm... so talented.
Oh... Not that again.
Really. I can't.
Yeah.
RITALIN 10 GR PILLS 1X
IN THE EVENING WITH H2O
You're welcome.