Oh Hell (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Kalifornien - full transcript
Sick dance.
You must be Helene, right?
Yeah, then you know all
the bad things about me.
Bad? No. Maike just says
that you're different.
Different, yeah?
I wish I didn't
care what he meant by "different".
I wish he meant different in the
sense of "an exciting artist"
and not as in "a child that has
food falling out of its mouth".
I lived in California for
a while and different...
is what people are
looking for there.
I find people who've lived
in California for a while
and tell you they've
lived in California
are the least California of all.
Well, I mean... if there were only people
who had lived in California for a while,
there wouldn't be a California, 'cause
California's the opposite of that.
Well...
What do you actually do?
- Me?
- Mhm.
The question of what
I'm actually doing is my favorite one.
Right after that, there's always a list
of everything I've just done wrong.
You should've gone
to the swimming pool.
We took the wrong bus.
You should've called me.
Ephraim had the phone.
The kids shouldn't be
allowed to use phones.
He called poison control.
Annetta ate deadly nightshade.
You shouldn't have let
her eat deadly nightshade.
- She had to know if it's poisonous.
- The forest area there was closed.
Well, nothing happened.
I'm just a
normal part of the working population
contributing to
society, or something.
We're all okay.
I take care of the
little rascals with my heart and soul.
- The three of us...
- Do you see that?
Hey, where did it
go? Let's dig it up!
Hey!
Why are there bombs?
No, those aren't bombs, those are
mines. They were thrown there once.
They were meant to turn our
grandpas and great-grandpas to mash.
They had a war.
Why didn't they ask for the
mediator dwarf to help them?
Because the mediator dwarf is some
shit made up by kindergarten teachers.
But
what did they do?
Well... there once was
a painter in Austria.
He had a moustache, which looked like
some black snot had frozen under his nose.
It looked... kinda like this.
We are all pretty much at our
wits' end here. It's just too much.
Jutta's burned out.
Lol.
That's a good one.
"Jutta's burned out?"
It could be a cool punk song.
In the old days, you'd have said "lol"
in this situation, but not anymore.
Not anymore.
What do you think this is?
It's Jamelio's
birthday cake, right?
- This?
- Yeah. Clearly.
It still has the substance
of Jamelio's birthday cake.
Only the form has
changed a little.
Just like life
changes a human being.
We change, but are still made
of the same substance, i.e...
collagen, elastic
fibers, skin...
Yeah, but why did you steal
it from the kindergarten?
I didn't steal it.
I just borrowed it.
Ah. And what for?
Well... I wanted to take a
picture and send it to a friend.
She's an influencer.
That means she "fluences"
with insanely beautiful things
and I sometimes I have to show
her that I can "fluence" too.
Hell!
- Hi!
- Mmm.
- What was that?
- Senegalese pop song from the '90s.
- Very simple, but empowering.
- Sure.
I don't really
care about all this fluencing.
She fluences, I
fluence a little,
he, she, it fluences...
Competition's not
a big deal for me.
It's the competition and not me.
Do you have a cold, Hell?
No. Why?
Because of how you're
curled up in your towel.
And then I wanted
to bring it back.
Like when you were going to borrow
the donations and bring them back?
Roughly. Yeah.
Should we ask Jamelio
if he thinks this is his cake?
Okay, Jamelio. Have a look.
What is this?
This here...
is a cloud...
of sugar.
It was shat out by two angels,
but not out of their butt.
Out of their eyes.
If you eat this cake...
you'll be really happy.
You're done here.
Hmm.
Two children
left the giraffe group.
And we have an understanding
that you are not completely
free of responsibility there.
You have an understanding?
- Yes.
- Just like Goebbels.
Well, just like Goebbels
asking the Nazis
if they agreed to an all-out
war, kind of understanding?
I've been here for
two months to the day.
Two months, in which
we've all died a thousand deaths.
I like you. You know that.
But it was far too much for us.
The thing with the ants
alone should've been enough.
We also can see all the good
things you've done here.
And I really love what
you've done with Madlen.
- My turn. I won!
- That was mine.
What the fuck
are you looking at?
Why don't you ever talk,
even though you're seven?
- What are you drawing anyway?
- A Goosa.
You're a loser, Goosa!
You're a loser, Goosa!
You're a loser, Goosa!
You're
a loser, Goosa!
Stop!
Get the fuck out of here, okay?
And if you make one more stupid
remark, tomorrow you will wake up...
and have cancer.
You keep drawing.
Come on! Draw the Goosa.
What can the Goosa do?
Spit fire and speak.
What language?
I don't know. I'm not a Goosa.
You know, they all say I'm
seven and not in school yet,
and that's sick.
Doesn't matter.
A doctor once told me I'm manic.
And another one said I have ADD,
and my mom thought it's a
post-traumatic syndrome.
And I lie a lot.
And I always feel like
I'm 51, but I'm just 24.
And my dad thinks I'm
a lawyer, but I'm not.
Doesn't matter.
My mom thinks that I'm not going
to Chinese, 'cause I have diarrhea,
but, actually, I wet my
underwear a little bit
so that she thinks that and I
don't have to go to Chinese.
Maybe we should all wet our underwear
a little bit more often, huh?
- So you think it's okay?
- Totally.
You know...
you've got a long life ahead of you
full of wetting your pants a little bit.
Where are you going?
I, uhm... I'm
reorienting myself professionally.
- And what are you reorienting?
- Whatever makes money.
'Cause you just said you would
fuck away those who messed with me.
Yeah, I'm sorry Madlen. You
tell them to fuck off yourself.
Look, just remember
what we talked about.
The enemy's called
"I want you sexy"?
What else?
If you're gonna smoke pot, make
sure you get the right music?
What else?
Fuck the system and
create your own?
That's it.
Doesn't work anyway Helene.
You can try.
Can I have your number?
I can give you my mom's number.
Sure.
VOLLEYBALLERS ARE
LOOKING FOR NEW MEMBERS
Hey yo!
And you?
Oh... Struggling
with the start-up.
Which one? The mindfulness app?
No, a new one.
"Meal the world."
On the app, when you
order something to eat,
a bowl, for example,
then someone in an underdeveloped
country also gets something.
- Fresh water, for example.
- Hmm.
So...
I have to tell you something.
I know Maike because she was
born on the same day as me:
July 6, 1997.
Such a beautiful child.
Thank you.
It's like she knows I'm
taking a picture of her.
Maybe she'll become an actress.
I'm Krista.
And I'm Vera.
I don't measure
myself against Maike. I'm above that.
It's not something I
think about at all.
It doesn't cross my mind.
Think of the whip kick, Hell.
Bend your legs and flex your toes.
Feet moving outwards and kick!
Thrust and legs together.
It's kinda like
a frog, actually.
Maybe put your head
under the water, Hell.
Look...
I'll swim on my back, and
you swim breaststroke, okay?
And give me an update.
How are things at work?
How is your love life?
-I'm dating someone.
Oh! Do tell!
It's amazing.
He's a musician.
B... Bonsoir.
I, uhm...
wanted to, uhm... to learn celloir.
It was totally harmonious right
away. As if we were one melody.
He brings out...
such a special side...
of me, you know?
And, as for the job, I...
I just quit working there.
I don't care if the guy
doesn't exist, Hell.
I love your fantasies.
Mmm.
Hi.
I'm
the new girl for the c... cello.
Oh?
- Hi, cutie.
- Yeah?
Oskar here. Hello?
Ah, shit. Jason's waiting.
We have a guest right
now. Rishampri Laas.
An Indian director who's
leading a panel discussion,
and tonight we're
having a little party.
Well, I'll have to see
if I can find the time.
Yes. I'll see. If
I can schedule it.
Yep.
- Oh, is that right?
- Yeah, it was like...
- Cheers to your marvelous movie.
- And we've got a new name.
Maike has
224,000 followers on Instagram.
I'm, uhm...
very flattered.
Okay... Fine. Add 50,000.
She confidently shows
her acne on there.
Even her acne somehow
looks better than my face.
Let's give him a
round of applause. Yay!
She probably
looks for a pimple in the morning
with which she can demonstrate
her positivity. Gives you likes.
You must be Helene, right?
Then you know all
the bad things about me.
Bad? No. Maike just says
that you're... different.
I... I was just overwhelmed.
I lived in
California for a while...
I find people who've lived
in California for a while
and tell you they've
lived in California,
are the least California of all.
Well, I mean, if there were only people
who lived in California for a while,
there wouldn't be a California, 'cause
California's the opposite of that.
Well...
What do you actually do?
Me?
What have I actually done?
Specifically:
I search for things online.
I fill shopping carts.
Never bought the things.
Drunkenly wrote a message
to my ex-boyfriend,
then deleted it.
Composed a voice message,
deleted it again,
composed a new message with
my voice quivering extra hard.
I Photoshopped myself onto a college
photo so my dad thinks I am studying.
I filmed some ducks. I have
169 tabs open on my phone.
Watch families with kids
eating French fries.
Stole things.
Bought myself a tiny little
high pressure cleaner,
as small as a toothbrush, so it'd take me
11 hours to get my bathroom floor clean.
Signed up under the name "Alonso Penis"
on a gay platform, without a purpose.
I googled "where to write
the address on a letter",
I donated blood, so I can
pay the debt I owe to Zara.
Listened to a song,
forgot its name,
listened to the melody and tried to use
it to google what the song was called.
Embraced chaos. Searched for
"tidying concepts" on YouTube,
watched all the videos,
and didn't tidy up.
Which countries have you traveled
to in the last three years?
This one.
Uhm... How many
children have you had?
None.
Interdisciplinary art projects?
Well, uhm... I smeared Nutella,
accidentally, on my cell phone.
Yeah...
I have a social start-up.
Ah, rad! Okay.
We... We care for
blind and half-blind
and cancer-stricken
international children.
- Didn't Maike tell you?
- Not really.
- I'm gonna continue running.
- Okay.
Maybe they
should do something like Losetagram.
Where people are rewarded for not
being invited to a panel discussion
featuring an Indian director.
And for, having
unsexy hairstyles,
or ordering their
shirts online, etc.
And for all these uncool
things you get "don't likes".
And the most "don't
liked" person would be...
me.
"I
love your fantasies."
Kiss my ass.
Hello?
Four or five?
- What?
- Just answer it. Four or five?
Uhm... Five.
Fox or wolf?
Fox.
Fox or love. Huh?
Uhm... fox. Fox, for sure.
Okay. You're cool.
Mhm.
My name's Helene
Sternberg, I'm 24 years old
and I'd like to get to know you.
Okay, do you play an instrument?
Sure! I'm a cellista.
Great, then I'll send you an appointment
suggestion on WhatsApp, yeah?
Yeah, baby!
Hmm?
Yo.
You must be Helene, right?
Yeah, then you know all
the bad things about me.
Bad? No. Maike just says
that you're different.
Different, yeah?
I wish I didn't
care what he meant by "different".
I wish he meant different in the
sense of "an exciting artist"
and not as in "a child that has
food falling out of its mouth".
I lived in California for
a while and different...
is what people are
looking for there.
I find people who've lived
in California for a while
and tell you they've
lived in California
are the least California of all.
Well, I mean... if there were only people
who had lived in California for a while,
there wouldn't be a California, 'cause
California's the opposite of that.
Well...
What do you actually do?
- Me?
- Mhm.
The question of what
I'm actually doing is my favorite one.
Right after that, there's always a list
of everything I've just done wrong.
You should've gone
to the swimming pool.
We took the wrong bus.
You should've called me.
Ephraim had the phone.
The kids shouldn't be
allowed to use phones.
He called poison control.
Annetta ate deadly nightshade.
You shouldn't have let
her eat deadly nightshade.
- She had to know if it's poisonous.
- The forest area there was closed.
Well, nothing happened.
I'm just a
normal part of the working population
contributing to
society, or something.
We're all okay.
I take care of the
little rascals with my heart and soul.
- The three of us...
- Do you see that?
Hey, where did it
go? Let's dig it up!
Hey!
Why are there bombs?
No, those aren't bombs, those are
mines. They were thrown there once.
They were meant to turn our
grandpas and great-grandpas to mash.
They had a war.
Why didn't they ask for the
mediator dwarf to help them?
Because the mediator dwarf is some
shit made up by kindergarten teachers.
But
what did they do?
Well... there once was
a painter in Austria.
He had a moustache, which looked like
some black snot had frozen under his nose.
It looked... kinda like this.
We are all pretty much at our
wits' end here. It's just too much.
Jutta's burned out.
Lol.
That's a good one.
"Jutta's burned out?"
It could be a cool punk song.
In the old days, you'd have said "lol"
in this situation, but not anymore.
Not anymore.
What do you think this is?
It's Jamelio's
birthday cake, right?
- This?
- Yeah. Clearly.
It still has the substance
of Jamelio's birthday cake.
Only the form has
changed a little.
Just like life
changes a human being.
We change, but are still made
of the same substance, i.e...
collagen, elastic
fibers, skin...
Yeah, but why did you steal
it from the kindergarten?
I didn't steal it.
I just borrowed it.
Ah. And what for?
Well... I wanted to take a
picture and send it to a friend.
She's an influencer.
That means she "fluences"
with insanely beautiful things
and I sometimes I have to show
her that I can "fluence" too.
Hell!
- Hi!
- Mmm.
- What was that?
- Senegalese pop song from the '90s.
- Very simple, but empowering.
- Sure.
I don't really
care about all this fluencing.
She fluences, I
fluence a little,
he, she, it fluences...
Competition's not
a big deal for me.
It's the competition and not me.
Do you have a cold, Hell?
No. Why?
Because of how you're
curled up in your towel.
And then I wanted
to bring it back.
Like when you were going to borrow
the donations and bring them back?
Roughly. Yeah.
Should we ask Jamelio
if he thinks this is his cake?
Okay, Jamelio. Have a look.
What is this?
This here...
is a cloud...
of sugar.
It was shat out by two angels,
but not out of their butt.
Out of their eyes.
If you eat this cake...
you'll be really happy.
You're done here.
Hmm.
Two children
left the giraffe group.
And we have an understanding
that you are not completely
free of responsibility there.
You have an understanding?
- Yes.
- Just like Goebbels.
Well, just like Goebbels
asking the Nazis
if they agreed to an all-out
war, kind of understanding?
I've been here for
two months to the day.
Two months, in which
we've all died a thousand deaths.
I like you. You know that.
But it was far too much for us.
The thing with the ants
alone should've been enough.
We also can see all the good
things you've done here.
And I really love what
you've done with Madlen.
- My turn. I won!
- That was mine.
What the fuck
are you looking at?
Why don't you ever talk,
even though you're seven?
- What are you drawing anyway?
- A Goosa.
You're a loser, Goosa!
You're a loser, Goosa!
You're a loser, Goosa!
You're
a loser, Goosa!
Stop!
Get the fuck out of here, okay?
And if you make one more stupid
remark, tomorrow you will wake up...
and have cancer.
You keep drawing.
Come on! Draw the Goosa.
What can the Goosa do?
Spit fire and speak.
What language?
I don't know. I'm not a Goosa.
You know, they all say I'm
seven and not in school yet,
and that's sick.
Doesn't matter.
A doctor once told me I'm manic.
And another one said I have ADD,
and my mom thought it's a
post-traumatic syndrome.
And I lie a lot.
And I always feel like
I'm 51, but I'm just 24.
And my dad thinks I'm
a lawyer, but I'm not.
Doesn't matter.
My mom thinks that I'm not going
to Chinese, 'cause I have diarrhea,
but, actually, I wet my
underwear a little bit
so that she thinks that and I
don't have to go to Chinese.
Maybe we should all wet our underwear
a little bit more often, huh?
- So you think it's okay?
- Totally.
You know...
you've got a long life ahead of you
full of wetting your pants a little bit.
Where are you going?
I, uhm... I'm
reorienting myself professionally.
- And what are you reorienting?
- Whatever makes money.
'Cause you just said you would
fuck away those who messed with me.
Yeah, I'm sorry Madlen. You
tell them to fuck off yourself.
Look, just remember
what we talked about.
The enemy's called
"I want you sexy"?
What else?
If you're gonna smoke pot, make
sure you get the right music?
What else?
Fuck the system and
create your own?
That's it.
Doesn't work anyway Helene.
You can try.
Can I have your number?
I can give you my mom's number.
Sure.
VOLLEYBALLERS ARE
LOOKING FOR NEW MEMBERS
Hey yo!
And you?
Oh... Struggling
with the start-up.
Which one? The mindfulness app?
No, a new one.
"Meal the world."
On the app, when you
order something to eat,
a bowl, for example,
then someone in an underdeveloped
country also gets something.
- Fresh water, for example.
- Hmm.
So...
I have to tell you something.
I know Maike because she was
born on the same day as me:
July 6, 1997.
Such a beautiful child.
Thank you.
It's like she knows I'm
taking a picture of her.
Maybe she'll become an actress.
I'm Krista.
And I'm Vera.
I don't measure
myself against Maike. I'm above that.
It's not something I
think about at all.
It doesn't cross my mind.
Think of the whip kick, Hell.
Bend your legs and flex your toes.
Feet moving outwards and kick!
Thrust and legs together.
It's kinda like
a frog, actually.
Maybe put your head
under the water, Hell.
Look...
I'll swim on my back, and
you swim breaststroke, okay?
And give me an update.
How are things at work?
How is your love life?
-I'm dating someone.
Oh! Do tell!
It's amazing.
He's a musician.
B... Bonsoir.
I, uhm...
wanted to, uhm... to learn celloir.
It was totally harmonious right
away. As if we were one melody.
He brings out...
such a special side...
of me, you know?
And, as for the job, I...
I just quit working there.
I don't care if the guy
doesn't exist, Hell.
I love your fantasies.
Mmm.
Hi.
I'm
the new girl for the c... cello.
Oh?
- Hi, cutie.
- Yeah?
Oskar here. Hello?
Ah, shit. Jason's waiting.
We have a guest right
now. Rishampri Laas.
An Indian director who's
leading a panel discussion,
and tonight we're
having a little party.
Well, I'll have to see
if I can find the time.
Yes. I'll see. If
I can schedule it.
Yep.
- Oh, is that right?
- Yeah, it was like...
- Cheers to your marvelous movie.
- And we've got a new name.
Maike has
224,000 followers on Instagram.
I'm, uhm...
very flattered.
Okay... Fine. Add 50,000.
She confidently shows
her acne on there.
Even her acne somehow
looks better than my face.
Let's give him a
round of applause. Yay!
She probably
looks for a pimple in the morning
with which she can demonstrate
her positivity. Gives you likes.
You must be Helene, right?
Then you know all
the bad things about me.
Bad? No. Maike just says
that you're... different.
I... I was just overwhelmed.
I lived in
California for a while...
I find people who've lived
in California for a while
and tell you they've
lived in California,
are the least California of all.
Well, I mean, if there were only people
who lived in California for a while,
there wouldn't be a California, 'cause
California's the opposite of that.
Well...
What do you actually do?
Me?
What have I actually done?
Specifically:
I search for things online.
I fill shopping carts.
Never bought the things.
Drunkenly wrote a message
to my ex-boyfriend,
then deleted it.
Composed a voice message,
deleted it again,
composed a new message with
my voice quivering extra hard.
I Photoshopped myself onto a college
photo so my dad thinks I am studying.
I filmed some ducks. I have
169 tabs open on my phone.
Watch families with kids
eating French fries.
Stole things.
Bought myself a tiny little
high pressure cleaner,
as small as a toothbrush, so it'd take me
11 hours to get my bathroom floor clean.
Signed up under the name "Alonso Penis"
on a gay platform, without a purpose.
I googled "where to write
the address on a letter",
I donated blood, so I can
pay the debt I owe to Zara.
Listened to a song,
forgot its name,
listened to the melody and tried to use
it to google what the song was called.
Embraced chaos. Searched for
"tidying concepts" on YouTube,
watched all the videos,
and didn't tidy up.
Which countries have you traveled
to in the last three years?
This one.
Uhm... How many
children have you had?
None.
Interdisciplinary art projects?
Well, uhm... I smeared Nutella,
accidentally, on my cell phone.
Yeah...
I have a social start-up.
Ah, rad! Okay.
We... We care for
blind and half-blind
and cancer-stricken
international children.
- Didn't Maike tell you?
- Not really.
- I'm gonna continue running.
- Okay.
Maybe they
should do something like Losetagram.
Where people are rewarded for not
being invited to a panel discussion
featuring an Indian director.
And for, having
unsexy hairstyles,
or ordering their
shirts online, etc.
And for all these uncool
things you get "don't likes".
And the most "don't
liked" person would be...
me.
"I
love your fantasies."
Kiss my ass.
Hello?
Four or five?
- What?
- Just answer it. Four or five?
Uhm... Five.
Fox or wolf?
Fox.
Fox or love. Huh?
Uhm... fox. Fox, for sure.
Okay. You're cool.
Mhm.
My name's Helene
Sternberg, I'm 24 years old
and I'd like to get to know you.
Okay, do you play an instrument?
Sure! I'm a cellista.
Great, then I'll send you an appointment
suggestion on WhatsApp, yeah?
Yeah, baby!
Hmm?
Yo.