Oh Hell (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Sarabande - full transcript
Hi, it's me again, your Maike.
Today I'll tell you all about the dos
and don'ts to make a date successful.
You got a date! Yay! Congratulations!
Don't make any mistakes now.
Or do you want to disappoint that boy?
Why does she speak like a bird would cry?
No idea. It's how you used to.
Avoid eating spinach, herbs,...
And be very careful with salad!
Greens can get stuck between your teeth,
and that's anything but pretty!
It's unbelievable, isn't it?
How can anyone speak like that?
Utter bullshit!
Yes, bullshit!
Well then, by mirroring
the person opposite you,
you'll leave a super
sympathetic impression.
She was one of the first influencers.
She had an agency.
They got her a flat
she pretended to live in.
And then... she used shower gels
so that others use them.
What's an "influencer"?
A serious disorder.
Will you text me as soon as you know
whether you're in love?
Well, I only have your mother's number.
Never mind. She'll know it's for me.
-Okay.
-I got to go to kindergarten now.
See you in the afternoon!
You'll be the one.
Because I want you to be.
Hi!
I am...
I don't speak French.
I could teach you.
Well, nah!
No then.
I imagined you'd be different.
-In what way?
-More subtle.
You seem doggish in your undressed way.
Besides, I hate the word "joy".
-Yeah, and what else?
-To be honest...
I have a problem with ponytails.
This has a lot to do with myself
and only a little bit with ponytails,
but they make me so aggressive!
They make me think of death.
It's probably more me
and less the ponytail, but...
-Uh-huh.
-Yeah.
Got it.
-You're kidding, right?
-What?
-You have three balls?
-I was born with them.
-Do all three have a function?
-The third one is sort of "waiting".
And you don't find that strange?
Nope.
-Okay.
-It's your projection, ask yourself.
I'm here for the cello.
And for trying out if together
we can become the saying on a doormat.
So far, everything's cool about you.
You're not too handsome, so loving you
you'd be the handsomest for me only.
It's the year 2027.
I'm squeezing your face
and you're making a fish mouth.
And I say: "Remember
to fix the coffee machine."
Come on in then!
Alright.
I'll just come in then.
Well then!
Alright then!
Here you are.
You said you're a cellist?
Yes.
So actually you don't need
lessons with me, right?
I've played for seven years.
Now I need to refresh my skills.
You forget so easily.
Very easily!
Well, at least I...
I forget extremely easily.
It's a thing with me.
Okay, shall we start now?
The "Sarabande".
-The "Sarabande"?
-Uh-huh.
What cellist doesn't know it?
That's how we recognise each other.
-We all play the Sarabande blindfolded.
-Yes.
Well...
For me as a cellist, it's really
important to play the Sarabande...
Why don't you just begin?
Actually I just wanted
to ask you something.
What's your attitude to meat?
Are you a vegetarian? And allergic?
Ah well.
-Let me play the Sarabande then.
-Uh-huh.
Absolutely basic! So basic I'd almost
say, it's not necessary to play it.
Ah well. Let me play then.
One, two, three.
Where do you see yourself in ten years?
You just wanted to play the Sarabande.
Will you live by the sea or in a city?
Back- or stomach-sleeper?
Do you grind your teeth while eating?
Do you want children?
Do you shave around your willie?
Do you listen to Andreas Bourani?
One and two and three.
You've never even held a cello, right?
Like I said: I've just forgotten a lot.
Okay, just theoretically speaking:
if you had never played cello,
why would that be a problem?
This is how I've planned it.
In this case,...
...we'll do it in such a way...
...that I'll teach you
everything you once knew.
Yes.
Hooray!
You really are a bit weird.
"Weird" in the sense of "mysterious"?
No.
No, no: "weird" in the sense of "weird".
Good day!
To Dr Spellart, please.
Do you have an appointment?
I'm his daughter
from his first marriage.
I was an accident at the hotel bar.
Madeira. All-inclusive.
I was fathered
in a storeroom for speed boats.
My name is Amarillo.
Cooee!
How may I help you?
I don't need help.
I need information.
Dr Spellart...
Yes?
You're an internationally famous
dermatologist.
You treat Mr Günther Sternberg?
That's correct.
For how many years now?
To tell you this would actually
breach patient confidentiality.
I'll make an exception.
For...
...seven years.
He consulted me because of an eczema.
And then...
...time and again.
How would you describe
his skin condition?
As quite problematic.
At the time,
I suspected atopic dermatitis
with exogenous and endogenous
allergic triggers.
Psychosomatic in nature of course.
Yes.
Something like that.
When did you first meet my mother?
How often do you see her?
What do you feel for my mother?
-This was only a power nap.
-You power-nap pretty often, don't you?
Yes, my brain briefly freezes sometimes.
Okay. Please quickly go through
our customer base
and offer them a fertiliser
which is new on the market.
Yes.
"Düng it".
"Düng it provides you with
gorgeous fruit, healthy herbs,
crisp vegetables,
colourful flowers, green lawns
and pretty container or potted plants.
GARDEN DREAM 24
Hello?
Have you ever considered switching over
to a completely natural fertiliser?
Helene?
Shit!
What number is this?
-Well, a new one.
-Ah!
Now tell me,
how did you actually meet Jason?
In Paraguay.
Ah, sure.
Jason photographed the campaign
against illiteracy of the indigenous.
And then he asked
whether he could photograph me again.
And then he photographed me
in the orange sunset.
Yeah, sure.
You know: that's typical for Paraguay.
How was it with Oskar?
Well...
I just went there.
Do you remember how we went to Taizé,
and you fell for that guy from Hungary?
-I didn't want to trigger anything.
-I just couldn't get it up.
Well, figuratively speaking.
It's not what you had in mind.
Yeah, he...
His chest had such a weird shape.
And it was sort of downy,
which made it look like moss.
It's so amazing that
you never stop imagining things.
You are a real utopia. I love that!
Can we do it the other way round?
-What do you mean?
-Well...
...that you say something in a stupid and
awkward way, and I in a caring way.
Well, I got such a problem
with my eyelids.
Sometimes they're all droopy,
as if I had slept during the day.
-Asshole.
-Huh?
Enjoy your natural fertiliser and thanks
for putting your trust in GardenDream24.
Hell?
Bye!
Hah, we go to your place
and use the internet.
Okay.
Make yourself at home.
You don't have any pictures
on the wall.
No, I find that tiring.
You know, my granny died,
and none of us knew about it.
By the time we went to her house,
she'd already been dead for three months.
It smelled just like here.
Can you look for stuff
on the internet again?
Sure!
Hmm... Type in...
-...owl!
-O...w...l.
Did you know that owls have
the best eyesight of any animal
because their pupils are so large?
-That's nonsense!
-No, it's true.
Did you know owl shit glows in the dark?
No.
It's not true of course.
But we can still say it's true.
Yes.
-And Helene?
-Uh-huh.
Can I have custard?
I don't have any left.
Can I have milk?
Do you have any food at home?
Oats.
Okay.
We just imagine they're little steaks.
There's shit to your right.
There's puke to your left.
You may in no case fall off.
Would you prefer
to fall into shit or into puke?
I guess, into puke.
Me too.
Hey! Hi, Helene!
Hi, Maike!
Isn't this the woman from the video
who is so bullshit?
Listen, we googled your start-up
because we think it's great
for the blind children with cancer.
We'd so like to support this.
But we couldn't find anything.
What's it called again?
MyDisabled24.
What?
I didn't hear you properly.
I heard "MyDisabled24".
It's alright.
And who are you?
Oh my God!
What's your name?
I'm Madlen.
I'm blind.
Blind as a bat.
It's that tumour in her head...
...behind her eyes.
It's pressing really hard
against her eyes.
Fuck.
Hello, Madlen!
Hi, Madlen!
I'm sorry, Helene.
-Huh?
-I'm sorry, Helene.
It's okay.
Well, I think we got to go now.
To dolphin therapy.
Really?
Yeah.
I had no idea
there are dolphins in Germany!
It's via Zoom.
Give us your social start-up's IBAN.
And if there's anything else
we can do for you, just let us know.
It's alright.
-Come to our place for dinner sometime!
-Yeah.
-Well, I've got no time right now, but...
-What about tonight?
I'll ask Oskar if he's free.
So this means "yes"?
Yes.
Come on, Madlen! Let's go.
Don't fall off.
There's shit to your right,
puke to your left.
Here, people do their shopping
who put thyme into every dish.
Three bundles of thyme
cost as much as a small car.
And here:
regional root vegetables. Very important!
If you eat regional root vegetables,
you belong.
And?
After that you die.
What's the number again?
Of the card. Your mother's.
One, four, zero, eight.
Cooee, Helene!
Cooee, Helene! Cooee, Helene!
Hello!
Did you like my profile picture?
Yes, with both accounts.
Do I ever embarrass you?
Of course you do.
If you didn't, you wouldn't be my dad.
Anyway, I'm so happy I've finally done
something again I shouldn't have.
Huh?
I called your mother.
She couldn't believe you graduated.
I told her, "Yes, it's really true!"
That sometimes you make mistakes too,
sometimes you're wrong too.
And I told her:
"Of course you were right.
Our daughter has done a lot of...
...silly stuff in her life,
she has told many stories,
and she still hasn't got
out of the habit of daydreaming."
And I told her, "I had doubts too.
And I was ...
...insecure sometimes.
And I did stand by you."
And I asked, if this wasn't
a good moment to just stop.
Of course she didn't believe me. I said,
"I had the certificate in my own hands."
And then I told her,
"If Hitler and Stalin can make a pact,
you and I can get along too."
But you do know
World War Two started then, right?
Yeah, it's just a comparison.
Anyway...
I arranged to meet her.
No, you didn't.
Yes, I did.
Hen, I'm strong enough for it now.
You know, after all these years,
I just... want one thing:...
...peace.
Well, yes, I think
that's really sweet of you, dad,
-but...
-Hen, I'm serious:
now that you've found your way,
I can face her again.
I mean, it was always me who said,
"The girl will find her own way."
And now you've found your own way.
And now... Now she understands
that you've always done everything right.
Okay, dad.
Um... Yes.
-I got to go now.
-Okay, you must, so do what you must.
Yes.
Ahem.
Yes...
Yes, her only interest seems to be
that you two love each other.
Exactly.
But your parents are together,
aren't they?
Since we got here,
my dad hasn't looked at my mum once.
-That's not true.
-Yes, it's true.
Yes, it's true, it's true.
She's always right about stuff like that.
Yes.
Maybe it's just...
...that...
...their love...
...is currently...
...just hiding somewhere.
Like where?
In the cupboard over there?
CATS BEING PRETTY, NOT LAZY.
No, there's just a calendar with a cat.
Hey, Oskar!
I'm sorry to barge in like this, but...
Will you accompany me to my perfect
friend who I told I have a boyfriend?
...and who's so
looking forward to meeting you!
Although I don't even know yet,
if you like me
or if you just find me weird in a shit
way instead of weird in a good way.
And I also don't know, if you'll
forgive me for watching you at the gym.
And of course you know
that I obviously can't play the cello.
Like I can't do anything properly anyway.
But despite that...
...or because of that or...
Just as a very basic statement:
I find you nice.
No,...
...even...
...really cute.
And it certainly comes across
as pretty stupid
to meet and
approach each other like this and...
And I'm doing everything wrong
anyway, but you...
...maybe understand this in a very...
...gentle way, and you just say,
"Okay, you're totally nuts, but...
...I'll come with you."
May I help you?
Today I'll tell you all about the dos
and don'ts to make a date successful.
You got a date! Yay! Congratulations!
Don't make any mistakes now.
Or do you want to disappoint that boy?
Why does she speak like a bird would cry?
No idea. It's how you used to.
Avoid eating spinach, herbs,...
And be very careful with salad!
Greens can get stuck between your teeth,
and that's anything but pretty!
It's unbelievable, isn't it?
How can anyone speak like that?
Utter bullshit!
Yes, bullshit!
Well then, by mirroring
the person opposite you,
you'll leave a super
sympathetic impression.
She was one of the first influencers.
She had an agency.
They got her a flat
she pretended to live in.
And then... she used shower gels
so that others use them.
What's an "influencer"?
A serious disorder.
Will you text me as soon as you know
whether you're in love?
Well, I only have your mother's number.
Never mind. She'll know it's for me.
-Okay.
-I got to go to kindergarten now.
See you in the afternoon!
You'll be the one.
Because I want you to be.
Hi!
I am...
I don't speak French.
I could teach you.
Well, nah!
No then.
I imagined you'd be different.
-In what way?
-More subtle.
You seem doggish in your undressed way.
Besides, I hate the word "joy".
-Yeah, and what else?
-To be honest...
I have a problem with ponytails.
This has a lot to do with myself
and only a little bit with ponytails,
but they make me so aggressive!
They make me think of death.
It's probably more me
and less the ponytail, but...
-Uh-huh.
-Yeah.
Got it.
-You're kidding, right?
-What?
-You have three balls?
-I was born with them.
-Do all three have a function?
-The third one is sort of "waiting".
And you don't find that strange?
Nope.
-Okay.
-It's your projection, ask yourself.
I'm here for the cello.
And for trying out if together
we can become the saying on a doormat.
So far, everything's cool about you.
You're not too handsome, so loving you
you'd be the handsomest for me only.
It's the year 2027.
I'm squeezing your face
and you're making a fish mouth.
And I say: "Remember
to fix the coffee machine."
Come on in then!
Alright.
I'll just come in then.
Well then!
Alright then!
Here you are.
You said you're a cellist?
Yes.
So actually you don't need
lessons with me, right?
I've played for seven years.
Now I need to refresh my skills.
You forget so easily.
Very easily!
Well, at least I...
I forget extremely easily.
It's a thing with me.
Okay, shall we start now?
The "Sarabande".
-The "Sarabande"?
-Uh-huh.
What cellist doesn't know it?
That's how we recognise each other.
-We all play the Sarabande blindfolded.
-Yes.
Well...
For me as a cellist, it's really
important to play the Sarabande...
Why don't you just begin?
Actually I just wanted
to ask you something.
What's your attitude to meat?
Are you a vegetarian? And allergic?
Ah well.
-Let me play the Sarabande then.
-Uh-huh.
Absolutely basic! So basic I'd almost
say, it's not necessary to play it.
Ah well. Let me play then.
One, two, three.
Where do you see yourself in ten years?
You just wanted to play the Sarabande.
Will you live by the sea or in a city?
Back- or stomach-sleeper?
Do you grind your teeth while eating?
Do you want children?
Do you shave around your willie?
Do you listen to Andreas Bourani?
One and two and three.
You've never even held a cello, right?
Like I said: I've just forgotten a lot.
Okay, just theoretically speaking:
if you had never played cello,
why would that be a problem?
This is how I've planned it.
In this case,...
...we'll do it in such a way...
...that I'll teach you
everything you once knew.
Yes.
Hooray!
You really are a bit weird.
"Weird" in the sense of "mysterious"?
No.
No, no: "weird" in the sense of "weird".
Good day!
To Dr Spellart, please.
Do you have an appointment?
I'm his daughter
from his first marriage.
I was an accident at the hotel bar.
Madeira. All-inclusive.
I was fathered
in a storeroom for speed boats.
My name is Amarillo.
Cooee!
How may I help you?
I don't need help.
I need information.
Dr Spellart...
Yes?
You're an internationally famous
dermatologist.
You treat Mr Günther Sternberg?
That's correct.
For how many years now?
To tell you this would actually
breach patient confidentiality.
I'll make an exception.
For...
...seven years.
He consulted me because of an eczema.
And then...
...time and again.
How would you describe
his skin condition?
As quite problematic.
At the time,
I suspected atopic dermatitis
with exogenous and endogenous
allergic triggers.
Psychosomatic in nature of course.
Yes.
Something like that.
When did you first meet my mother?
How often do you see her?
What do you feel for my mother?
-This was only a power nap.
-You power-nap pretty often, don't you?
Yes, my brain briefly freezes sometimes.
Okay. Please quickly go through
our customer base
and offer them a fertiliser
which is new on the market.
Yes.
"Düng it".
"Düng it provides you with
gorgeous fruit, healthy herbs,
crisp vegetables,
colourful flowers, green lawns
and pretty container or potted plants.
GARDEN DREAM 24
Hello?
Have you ever considered switching over
to a completely natural fertiliser?
Helene?
Shit!
What number is this?
-Well, a new one.
-Ah!
Now tell me,
how did you actually meet Jason?
In Paraguay.
Ah, sure.
Jason photographed the campaign
against illiteracy of the indigenous.
And then he asked
whether he could photograph me again.
And then he photographed me
in the orange sunset.
Yeah, sure.
You know: that's typical for Paraguay.
How was it with Oskar?
Well...
I just went there.
Do you remember how we went to Taizé,
and you fell for that guy from Hungary?
-I didn't want to trigger anything.
-I just couldn't get it up.
Well, figuratively speaking.
It's not what you had in mind.
Yeah, he...
His chest had such a weird shape.
And it was sort of downy,
which made it look like moss.
It's so amazing that
you never stop imagining things.
You are a real utopia. I love that!
Can we do it the other way round?
-What do you mean?
-Well...
...that you say something in a stupid and
awkward way, and I in a caring way.
Well, I got such a problem
with my eyelids.
Sometimes they're all droopy,
as if I had slept during the day.
-Asshole.
-Huh?
Enjoy your natural fertiliser and thanks
for putting your trust in GardenDream24.
Hell?
Bye!
Hah, we go to your place
and use the internet.
Okay.
Make yourself at home.
You don't have any pictures
on the wall.
No, I find that tiring.
You know, my granny died,
and none of us knew about it.
By the time we went to her house,
she'd already been dead for three months.
It smelled just like here.
Can you look for stuff
on the internet again?
Sure!
Hmm... Type in...
-...owl!
-O...w...l.
Did you know that owls have
the best eyesight of any animal
because their pupils are so large?
-That's nonsense!
-No, it's true.
Did you know owl shit glows in the dark?
No.
It's not true of course.
But we can still say it's true.
Yes.
-And Helene?
-Uh-huh.
Can I have custard?
I don't have any left.
Can I have milk?
Do you have any food at home?
Oats.
Okay.
We just imagine they're little steaks.
There's shit to your right.
There's puke to your left.
You may in no case fall off.
Would you prefer
to fall into shit or into puke?
I guess, into puke.
Me too.
Hey! Hi, Helene!
Hi, Maike!
Isn't this the woman from the video
who is so bullshit?
Listen, we googled your start-up
because we think it's great
for the blind children with cancer.
We'd so like to support this.
But we couldn't find anything.
What's it called again?
MyDisabled24.
What?
I didn't hear you properly.
I heard "MyDisabled24".
It's alright.
And who are you?
Oh my God!
What's your name?
I'm Madlen.
I'm blind.
Blind as a bat.
It's that tumour in her head...
...behind her eyes.
It's pressing really hard
against her eyes.
Fuck.
Hello, Madlen!
Hi, Madlen!
I'm sorry, Helene.
-Huh?
-I'm sorry, Helene.
It's okay.
Well, I think we got to go now.
To dolphin therapy.
Really?
Yeah.
I had no idea
there are dolphins in Germany!
It's via Zoom.
Give us your social start-up's IBAN.
And if there's anything else
we can do for you, just let us know.
It's alright.
-Come to our place for dinner sometime!
-Yeah.
-Well, I've got no time right now, but...
-What about tonight?
I'll ask Oskar if he's free.
So this means "yes"?
Yes.
Come on, Madlen! Let's go.
Don't fall off.
There's shit to your right,
puke to your left.
Here, people do their shopping
who put thyme into every dish.
Three bundles of thyme
cost as much as a small car.
And here:
regional root vegetables. Very important!
If you eat regional root vegetables,
you belong.
And?
After that you die.
What's the number again?
Of the card. Your mother's.
One, four, zero, eight.
Cooee, Helene!
Cooee, Helene! Cooee, Helene!
Hello!
Did you like my profile picture?
Yes, with both accounts.
Do I ever embarrass you?
Of course you do.
If you didn't, you wouldn't be my dad.
Anyway, I'm so happy I've finally done
something again I shouldn't have.
Huh?
I called your mother.
She couldn't believe you graduated.
I told her, "Yes, it's really true!"
That sometimes you make mistakes too,
sometimes you're wrong too.
And I told her:
"Of course you were right.
Our daughter has done a lot of...
...silly stuff in her life,
she has told many stories,
and she still hasn't got
out of the habit of daydreaming."
And I told her, "I had doubts too.
And I was ...
...insecure sometimes.
And I did stand by you."
And I asked, if this wasn't
a good moment to just stop.
Of course she didn't believe me. I said,
"I had the certificate in my own hands."
And then I told her,
"If Hitler and Stalin can make a pact,
you and I can get along too."
But you do know
World War Two started then, right?
Yeah, it's just a comparison.
Anyway...
I arranged to meet her.
No, you didn't.
Yes, I did.
Hen, I'm strong enough for it now.
You know, after all these years,
I just... want one thing:...
...peace.
Well, yes, I think
that's really sweet of you, dad,
-but...
-Hen, I'm serious:
now that you've found your way,
I can face her again.
I mean, it was always me who said,
"The girl will find her own way."
And now you've found your own way.
And now... Now she understands
that you've always done everything right.
Okay, dad.
Um... Yes.
-I got to go now.
-Okay, you must, so do what you must.
Yes.
Ahem.
Yes...
Yes, her only interest seems to be
that you two love each other.
Exactly.
But your parents are together,
aren't they?
Since we got here,
my dad hasn't looked at my mum once.
-That's not true.
-Yes, it's true.
Yes, it's true, it's true.
She's always right about stuff like that.
Yes.
Maybe it's just...
...that...
...their love...
...is currently...
...just hiding somewhere.
Like where?
In the cupboard over there?
CATS BEING PRETTY, NOT LAZY.
No, there's just a calendar with a cat.
Hey, Oskar!
I'm sorry to barge in like this, but...
Will you accompany me to my perfect
friend who I told I have a boyfriend?
...and who's so
looking forward to meeting you!
Although I don't even know yet,
if you like me
or if you just find me weird in a shit
way instead of weird in a good way.
And I also don't know, if you'll
forgive me for watching you at the gym.
And of course you know
that I obviously can't play the cello.
Like I can't do anything properly anyway.
But despite that...
...or because of that or...
Just as a very basic statement:
I find you nice.
No,...
...even...
...really cute.
And it certainly comes across
as pretty stupid
to meet and
approach each other like this and...
And I'm doing everything wrong
anyway, but you...
...maybe understand this in a very...
...gentle way, and you just say,
"Okay, you're totally nuts, but...
...I'll come with you."
May I help you?