Oh Doctor Beeching! (1995–1997): Season 2, Episode 3 - The Gravy Train - full transcript

Jack finds a hold-all on an embankment, containing hundreds of five pound notes. After being carpeted by Cecil for absenting himself to go to the betting shop, he considers quitting his job and is about to tell Cecil to stuff it when Percy the guard informs him that two men have been arrested for forging five pound notes and probably threw the bag containing the notes out of the window. As Jack apologizes to Cecil, May and the other staff set about burning the evidence.

- Morning, Mr Skinner.
- Mr Parkin.

Garden's looking lovely.
Dwarf marigolds are splendid.

They're not dwarf marigolds.
They're ordinary marigolds.

- Flamin' caterpillars have been at 'em.
- Oh. I see.

Well, they're still splendid.

Perhaps we could try something
a little more ambitious one year.

A coat of arms, perhaps.
Something like that.

They tried that during the War. They planted the
name Hatley, with salvias, pansies and lobelias.

Half of them died, and within a week
they had a station called Hitler.

- That did not go down too well.
- No.

I see.

Oh, before I forget, the fire buckets
are full of cigarette ends again.

- Change the water in them, would you?
- What for?

A few soggy fag ends isn't going to make
any difference if there's a fire.

You're missing the point, Mr Skinner.

A smart station is an efficient station.

And a smart fire bucket
is a more efficient fire bucket?

Just see to it, will you?

Would you like me to change the sand
in the egg timer while I'm at it?

- What did Mr Parkin want?
- Apparently, the fire buckets are full of fag ends.

- He wants you to empty 'em out.
- So he can smoke 'em?

- Don't talk daft, Wilfred. Just get rid of them.
- It's my day off.

All right, all right.

So, if you get the 11:38 from here
and change at Wenstead onto the 12:07,

that'll get you to Whitchurch,

where you can pick up the 1:42
Chesterfield to Worksop via Staveley.

At Worksop...

...you can get on the
3:09 Bawtry to Doncaster.

And from there, you can catch
the 4:21 Doncaster to Barnsley,

which gets you into Hickleton...

...at 4:47.

Of course, if you miss the 3:09...

...oh, erm... you'll have to wait for
the 5:27, which is an all-stopping train,

and you won't get to Hickleton...

Hickleton... oh, Hickleton...

...thank you, madam...

You won't get to
Hickleton till half past eight.

If I were you, I'd get the bus.

- Mrs Schumann!
- Oh, heck!

I do beg your pardon, madam.
If you'll just excuse me a moment.

Mrs Schumann, I'm surprised at you.

- I'm sorry, Mr Parkin.
- For a moment there, I was most impressed.

To be honest with you, so was I.

What chance do we have of withstanding Dr
Beeching's axe if you tell people to get the bus?

Well, it was just getting so complicated.

That is not the issue, Mrs Schumann.

You are an employee of British Railways,
a public servant.

A public servant's job is...?

To serve the public.

Exactly. It's not the first time you've
encouraged customers to go elsewhere.

Oh, you remember.

Difficult to forget, Mrs Schumann.

A family of six wanted to get to
Scarborough, and what did you tell them?

I said, "If I were you, I
wouldn't start from here."

- Quite. Well, don't let it happen again.
- No, Mr Parkin.

And how is the most wonderful mother
in the whole wide world?

Never mind the flannel. What do you want?

- Have you got thirty-two and six?
- Yes, thank you.

- Can you lend it to me?
- Lend as in "You'll never see this again"?

- Probably.
- What's it for?

- I want to get the new Beatles LP.
- It's called With The Beatles.

- That's imaginative.
- Oh, Mum, please!

After all, you are the
kindest, sweetest, most...

All right, all right, I'm the one
doing the buttering up, not you.

Now, where's my purse?

BOTH: Whooo!

May, give us a cup of tea.
Parkin's just give us a right telling off.

- Why?
- Oh, I don't know. He's in a funny mood.

Just because I told someone
to get the bus instead of the train.

Some people can be so unreasonable.

- Do you like the Beatles, Mrs Schumann?
- Oh, yes, I listen to them all the time.

Well, I've got no choice.
Wilfred plays them on his Dansette nonstop.

Have you got a favourite? I like John best.

No, Paul's better. I think he's dreamy.

I like the one with the big hooter.

Now, what's his name? Oh, Bingo!

Frankly, I can't see the appeal.
I mean, they won't last.

Come back in a year,
nobody'll even remember 'em.

Not like Frank Ifield.

Now, he'll be around forever.

That's funny. I thought I had more money
in my purse than this.

Here we are, Harry.

I've brought you a nice bacon sandwich
for your lunch.

Oh, ta.

I cut the crusts off of it for you.

- You didn't have to do that.
- Yes, I did. They was mouldy.

(Warning bell)

Oh, the ruddy trains!

Would you like me to pull
your lever for you, Harry?

No, I wouldn't.
You keep your hands off my levers.


Why? Because it's a
highly skilled job, that's why.

There's years of training and experience goes
into pulling them levers. It's highly technical.

Well, my late husband was an engine driver,
you know,

and his trains were far
more technical than this.

Yeah, but he didn't let you
drive 'em though, did he?

I used to watch his manipulations.

I saw exactly what he did.

So what? I sit and watch
the telly of an evening.

It don't make me Cliff Michelmore, does it?
You keep your hands off.

Hello, Harry. Vera.

He won't let me handle his equipment.

Don't you think that's being a bit...
a bit pedantical?

Take no notice of that silly old biddy.

What are you doing up here, Jack? The
Clumberfield train is due in a couple of minutes.

I want to stick ten bob on a horse
that's running at Chepstow.

You'll be lucky, mate. You still
haven't paid me for your last bet yet.

Or the one before
that, come to think of it.

Your slate is looking decidedly iffy.

Oh, come on, Harry. This one's a cert.

Yeah. A cert for the knacker's yard.

I've never known anyone
pick more losers than you, mate.

Your jockeys,
they didn't ought to bother wearing silks.

They come in so late,
they ought to be wearing pyjamas.

- Look, I've got the cash.
- Thanks. That'll do against what you owe me.

- Oh, come on, Harry. Please.
- Sorry, mate.

All right, if you won't take my bet,
I'll go and see the bookie in town.

What, Ronnie Beckwith?
He won't give you a slate.

- We'll see.
- Well, good luck, mate. You've got no chance.


Oh, a penny.

It's my lucky day.

See a penny, pick it up.
All the day, you'll get good luck.


- What are you dressed like that for?
- I told you it's my day off.

I'm going watching Hatley Town.

It's the first round of the FA Cup today.
We're playing Swanscombe United.

- Did you clean the fire buckets out for his nibs?
- Yeah, they're all done.

Right. Before you go, do me a favour.
See the Clumberfield through for me.

- Where are you going?
- Not far. I'm going to visit a sick relative.

Ronnie Beckwith. I won't be long.

I'm only testing.

Now, I've told you before, Ralph,

a locomotive is just like a woman.

It responds better to a gentle caress
than it does to a quick lunge.

I'm doing my best.

Well, don't look at me.
Concentrate on where you're going.

Where I'm going? Well, I'm on rails.

I ain't got a lot of choice
about where I'm going.

I can hardly take a shortcut
cross-country, can I?

Don't be cheeky, Ralph.

Signal's against us.

All right, all right.
Now, just anticipate the change.

Approach it nice and steady.

And then, when it changes,
accelerate gently in to Hatley Station.

That's right, Ralph. That's it.

Nice and easy, nice and easy.

It's not changing!

It's still up! Brake! Brake!

(Brakes squeal)

Why is the 1:38 not on the platform?

It's stopped at the signal.

Tell Mr Skinner
to ask Mr Lambert what's going on.

I can't. He's not here. He's gone visiting a
sick relative, Ronnie Beckwith. He won't be long.

Without permission? He can't do that.

I know. It's terrible, in't it? I'd sack
him if I were you and give me the job.

Yes, well, I suppose Mr
Skinner has his reasons.

Wilfred, what's holding
the Clumberfield up?

Signal's stuck.

Mrs Schumann, would you phone Mr Lambert
and ask what's going on?

Shouldn't Jack do it?

Apparently, Mr Skinner has been called away
to visit a sick relative, a Ronnie Beckwith.

Ronnie Beckwith? I didn't know
Jack was related to the bookie.

Ah, a bookmaker. Thank you, Mrs Schumann.

Wilfred, why aren't you in uniform?

It's my day off, Mr Parkin. I'm going
watching Hatley Town in the FA Cup.

Really? Very nice.

Come on, Hatley!

Wilfred, stop that immediately! We can do
without that sort of football hooliganism.

There's no reply from the signal box.
I'll nip down there.

Thank you, Mrs Schumann.

Cut along, Wilfred. I'll see the train in.

(Train whistle)

Will you stop pulling on that whistle,
Ralph? I think they know we're here.

I can see everything up ahead. There's
nothing in the way. Can't we just go?

You what?
Have you taken leave of your senses?

There are rules,
regulations. You can't just go!

- What's happening?
- Not a lot.

- The signal's against us. I said we should go.
- Well, we can't just go.

I just told him that.

We have no idea what
unseen perils like ahead.

What unseen perils?

Well, other trains, for instance.

Other trains? This is
Hatley, not Kings Cross.

All right, suppose a cow
has wandered onto the line?

Put your foot down
and we'll all have steak for dinner, I say!

(Train whistle blasts)

- Will you stop playing with your whistle?
- Sorry.

Harry, what's going on?
There's a train been stuck outside...

Oh, what's happened to you?

I bent down to pick up a penny
and my back went.

Oh, you poor thing.

Well, don't just stand there.
Do something, help me!

Oh, just a minute.

There you are, then.

I don't want the penny. I want you
to help me into a chair. I'm in agony.

Oh, right.

Aargh! Ow!

Is that better?

How can it be better? It's excruciating.

Ow! Ow!

(Train whistle)

- What do we do about the train?
- You'll have to pull the lever for me.

It's the second one from the right.

- It won't budge.
- Grip the hand release at the same time.

Oh, hand release. Right!

Right, Ralph. We're off.

No, stop!





Make your ruddy mind up.

This lever's got a mind of its own.

All the way. You've
got to pull it all the way.

I'm trying to pull it all the way.

Right, Ralph. It's definitely go this time.

At last.

This is Hatley, Hatley, Hatley.

Change here for Busten and Wenstead.


Right away!

- Back at last, Mr Skinner.
- Oh, hello, Mr Parkin.

A word, if you please, in my office.

I'll be with you in a minute. I've...

- Now, Mr Skinner.
- I'll only be...


Where's Jack? We've got an emergency.

What on earth's happened to you?
You look all hot and sweaty.

I've been up in the signal box,
pulling Harry's lever for him.

Oh, you shouldn't have done that.
He'll be ever so upset if he finds out.

- He asked me to.
- Oh. He did, did he?

I see.

Mr Skinner, I am trying to run
an efficient station here.

For some reason, you seem to think it perfectly
acceptable to swan off without permission.

- I wasn't gone long.
- That is not the point, Mr Skinner.

You cannot just desert your post like that.

Suppose I decided to walk out.
What do you think people would say?


Mr Skinner!

Mr Parkin, I know what you're saying but Wilfred
was covering for me and it was an emergency.

I had to see a sick relative.

I understand you went to see a bookmaker.

We can't choose our relatives, Mr Parkin.

Please spare me the colourful invention,
Mr Skinner. He was not a relative.

And sneaking off to see a bookmaker
is just not right.

You're right.

I don't think you appreciate
how serious this matter is.

I should report your
actions to Mr Orkindale.

- So report me. See if I care.
- What?

Report me. I don't give a stuff.
I can't be doing with all this aggravation.

I don't believe what I'm hearing.

Are you prepared to jeopardise
your career over this?

Career? You call this a career?

Emptying fire buckets
and blowing a whistle at silly trains?

Silly... Silly trai...?

You ought to give this some thought
before you say any more.

I have given it some thought, and as far as I'm
concerned you can stuff your rotten old job.

- What?
- Yes, we don't need it.

May and I can go and live somewhere else.
There are other towns besides Hatley.


So, you see, Vera, I had to pull his
lever for him. He could hardly move.

Oh, dear.

And he can't get down the stairs.
He's going to have to sleep up there.

I thought he did that anyway.

No, I mean at night.

Oh, Jack, have you heard about Harry?

Who gives a stuff? May, a word.

That's charming, in't it?

- Where've you been?
- To the bookies in town.

Oh. That would explain
what's happened to my ten bob.

Ten bob?

Did you or did you not steal ten bob
from my purse?

No, May, I borrowed it.
I would've asked, but you weren't around.

I know. That's what makes it stealing
and not borrowing.

All right, I'll give it you back.

Here's a fiver. Keep the
change, I've got plenty.

Good God!

How much you got in here?

I'd say there's around twenty grand.

From a ten bob bet?
What sort of odds were they paying?

It's not from the horses, May.
It's from the embankment. I found it.

It was just lying at the side of the track.

- You're not going to keep it, surely?
- Why not?

Because it must belong to somebody else.

Look, May, don't you see?
This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.

The chance to get ahead for once.

This time, our toast
has landed jam-side up.

Jack, this is stealing.

Now, you may be many things,
but you're not a thief.

- A minute ago, you said I was.
- Ten bob from my purse is one thing.

But this is something quite different
and you know it.

Yeah, you're right, of course.

So, are you going to hand it in?


- I suppose so.
- Good. I'm proud of you.

But leave it a day or two, eh?

- You never know, there might be a reward.
- Oh, right!

Oh, by the way, have you seen Parkin?
He was looking for you earlier.

Parkin? Oh... erm... yes.
It was nothing. Just the usual.

Oh, good.

Oh heck, Jack, lad.
Now what are you going to do?

A final flutter, it's my only chance!

There. You're as snug
as a bug in a rug, Harry.

I hope nobody finds out about me
kipping up here. I could get shot for this.

Well, with you bent double
as you are, they'd probably miss.

Look at you. You look ever so cosified.

Would you like me
to read you a bedtime story?

No, I'd like you to go home.

I could always stay with you
and keep you company.

Haven't I suffered enough?

Argh! My back!

Hello, Harry. Any better?

- No.
- Never mind.

I've brought you a nice bowl of soup
for your lunch.

- (Warning bell)
- Oh, no!

That's the Swinthorpe train!

Quick, get Ethel right away!

Never mind Ethel.

(Bell rings)

(Bell rings)

Well, you don't hang around railwaymen
without picking up a thing or two.

Hatley Station, Station Master's Office.

Oh, good morning, Mr Orkindale.

Oh? Really?

Well, no, I'd heard nothing about this.

Good heavens!

Well, how dramatic.

Yes, yes, of course I'll keep an eye out.

Yes, I'll make sure all my staff know.

Thank you, thank you.

So, I don't suppose you lot would have heard
about all the excitement we had yesterday?

Yeah. We won, 3-1.

I'm not talking about
your football, Wilfred.

I'm talking about all the drama
when we got to Clumberfield.

Why? What happened?

All these police cars pulled up outside
the station and surrounded the train.

Hundreds of rozzers. And they got on the train
and led these two blokes away in handcuffs.

Had they been travelling without tickets?

No, my lovely. They'd been distributing
forged five pound notes.


Apparently, they'd printed thousands.
But the police didn't find nothing on them.

- (Weak gasp)
- The villains slung the evidence off the train.

Ooh, I wouldn't mind
some of that! Would you?

No, we could go to London
and the shopping in Carnaby Street.

- Then down the Kings Road.
- BOTH: Fab!

You wouldn't want any of this,
believe me, my lovelies.

If you were caught spending it,
they could do you as accomplices.

- Gloria, where's your father?
- He said something about going into town.

I'll be back in a minute.

If I could just have your attention for a
moment, I have a very important announcement.

Is it about them two forgers who got taken
off the Clumberfield by the police yesterday?

I suppose you want us to keep our eyes open

for any suspicious characters
trying to pass forged five pound notes, eh?

Well, is it?

Oh, Jack!

What have you done?

Ah, Mr Skinner, I've just had Mr Orkindale
on the telephone,

and you'll be pleased to hear
I didn't tell him about our discussion.

Oh, aye?

Have you taken my advice and thought any
more about your somewhat rash decision?

I have, yes. Do you know, for a while, I thought
I might have to come begging for my job back.

But thanks to Salad Days, Arctic Storm
and Svengali all romping home at Lingfield,

I am happy to report
that you can still stuff it!

All right?

Right, that's a hundred quid to go back in
the bag. And the rest, you're coming with me!

Oh, heck!

May! May!

- May!
- What's up, Jack?

- Have you seen May?
- No, why?

- May, what the hell's going on?
- It's a good fire, in't it?

- What are you playing at?
- I'm keeping you out of prison.

- What are you talking about?
- All that money in the bag's forged.

- Forged?
- It means it's not real.

I know what it means.

I'm just destroying the evidence
in case they name you as an accomplice.

Here, Parkin's on the warpath.
He wants to know why nobody's on duty.

- What's this all about?
- She's keeping my dad out of prison.

- This'll have to go, as well.
- May, no! I've just won that money. It's real.

- You what?
- Fire! Fire! Wilfred, get a fire bucket.

Fire! Fire!

Who shouted, "Fire"?

Oh... Look at that.

I can walk again.

It's a miracle!

Give me that.

- It's empty.
- I know. You told me to empty it.

- You should have filled it up again.
- You never told me. Shall I do it now?

It's too flamin' late now.

Mrs Schumann! Mr Skinner!
Where is everybody?

Oh, heck!

Why is nobody doing their job?

Job? Oh, heck, my job!

Sorry about that, Mr Parkin.
I had one or two things to sort out.

I've been giving my position here at Hatley
some serious thought,

and you'll be delighted to know
I've decided to stay on.

You told me I could stuff the job.

Ah, but that was in the Northern sense.

You know, "stuff" as
in "keep it open for me".

- I'm not convinced.
- But what about May?

- May?
- Yes.

If we have to go, you'll never sink your teeth
into one of May's cherry Bakewells again.

Ah. Yes, I see what you mean.

Well, you know how I feel
about this station, Mr Parkin. I love it.

- Oh, yes?
- All them fire buckets and trains and that.

And I'm never as happy as when I'm humping
big, heavy parcels about and waving my flag.

That's not the impression
I get, Mr Skinner.

What do you say, then, Mr Parkin?
What do you say, eh?

♪ Oh, Doctor Beeching, what have you done?

♪ There once were lots of trains to catch,
but soon there will be none

♪ I'll have to buy a bike,
cos I can't afford a car

♪ Oh, Doctor Beeching,
what a naughty man you are

♪ Oh, Doctor Beeching, what have you done?

♪ There once were lots of trains to catch,
but soon there will be none

♪ I'll have to buy a bike,
cos I can't afford a car

♪ Oh, Doctor Beeching,
what a naughty man you are