Oh Doctor Beeching! (1995–1997): Season 2, Episode 2 - Father's Day - full transcript

Cecil gets it into his head that he could be Gloria's father and asks May to leave Jack for him. May admits to Ethel that she and Cecil had sex and he could be right. Jack knows none of ...

- Gloria.
- Morning, Vera.

If you're passing in the veracity
of the refreshment room,

would you give this clean,
fresh-laundered laundry to your mother?

Of course.

Do you think he'll ever get it right?

Well, they say practice makes perfection.

But probably not in his case.




What's going off?

Would you be so very kind as to chuck
that ruddy guitar out of the window?

I will do no such thing.

My boy saved up for
two years for that guitar.

Well, in that case,
chuck your ruddy boy out of the window!

- If you don't like it, get into your signal box.
- I've got the morning off.

Shut your window
and pull the covers over your head.

Oh, yeah! You don't
care if I suffocate, do you?


- Mum?
- I'm in here, love.

Vera gave me your laundry.

Oh, thanks. Just put it on the side.

- And hurry up. You'll be late for college.
- Bye.

- Oh, hello, Mr Parkin.
- Hello, Gloria.

You're looking... Well, you're
looking very bonny this morning.

Thank you. You're looking quite nice, too.

Oh, Vera! Really!

- May, it can't go on.
- I know.

Vera must have had it in hot water.

No, May, I'm talking about us. I can't
go on like this. It's affecting my work.

Really? The trains seem to be
going up and down all right.

May, please try to see
it from my point of view.

You're so near to me, and yet so far.

I'm like a child with a beautiful ice cream
in my hand, and I'm not allowed to lick.

It's the first time
I've been compared with a banana split!

I'm deadly serious, May.

Well, don't be. Have a cup of tea.

Oh, that's typical
of the British, isn't it?

The King has abdicated. Have a cup of tea.
Hitler's invaded Poland. Have a cup of tea.

The atom bomb has
dropped. Have a cup of tea.

- One lump or two?
- Three, please.

- Where's Jack?
- He's having a lie-in.

- He threatened to punch me on the nose.
- I heard.

You must understand, Cecil,
He was very cross with you.

You rang Gloria at college.
You shouldn't have done that.

Why not? Why shouldn't I speak to her?
She's my daughter.

Ssh! Keep your voice down.

I can't go on living with all these lies. I've
made up my mind to bring the matter to a head.

- What do you mean?
- I shall confront him.

Oh, I see. That'll be good.
Are you going to punch him on the nose?

No. I'm going to tell him about us.

I don't think that's a
very good idea, Cecil.

- And about Gloria.
- About Gloria? You wouldn't!

- I would.
- You can't do that to Jack. He'd go demented.

Good! And when he throws you out
and divorces you, I can have you.

You can live with me and be the
family we always should have been.

Oh, Cecil, you're not thinking straight.

Oh, yes, I am. My mind is made up.

When Jack gets here,
you tell him I want to see him.


Jack! Come here, I want to talk to you.

- What about?
- Sit down.

What is it?

It's about Parkin.

Now, look here, Jack Skinner. You
went a lot too far, threatening Mr Parkin.

- What are you going to do about it?
- Ethel, I'll tell you the truth.

I've been giving it a lot of thought, and
you know I'm not one to rush into things.

So I thought this might be the answer.

I've got six more at home like this.

What are you talking about?

It makes perfect sense,
if you'll only pay attention.

I thought I might eat these seven bananas,

and place the skins in
seven perfect positions,

so that Parkin might slip on them
and break his neck.

I can't believe what I'm hearing.

Sometimes the simplest plans are the best,

I thought very seriously...

...about using this.

- You seem to be a bit surprised.
- I'm flabbergasted.

I used to be a dead shot with this.

I used to play William Tell
with the boy next door.

He was only a little lad, but he had guts.

He used to stand stark-still
with an apple on his head.

It was a big one, mind. A Bramley,
not a crab apple. I wasn't that stupid.

And do you know,
I could hit it three times out of four?

- How come it didn't kill him?
- I didn't use real stones, not to begin with.

I used to make little balls out of
Plasticine. You know how kids do.

I hit him in the forehead a couple of times,
but you could prise it off with a bread knife.

- Jack!
- I've got another idea.

Now, Jack, look me in the eye.

- Now, are you concentrating?
- Yes.

- You like your job here, don't you?
- Not very much.

Just think, what are you going to do if you
get the sack and get thrown out of work?

Oh, I've thought about all that.
I could be a gypsy.

Oh, Jack!

I could roam the countryside
without a care in the world,

on one of them caravans pulled by a horse.

I could sell clothes
pegs and bits of heather.

But you're not a gypsy.
They might not have you.

I could take lessons. I
could be nationalised.

People become Roman Catholics, don't they?

Jack, Jack, you've got to listen to me,
and listen to me very carefully.

Right. You've done
wrong. Do you understand?

I've got a lot of other
ideas, if you'll only listen.

You've got to apologise to Mr Parkin.

I will. I'll go and see him in hospital and take
him a bunch of grapes. I'm not one to bear a grudge.

You've got to say, "I'm very sorry, Mr Parkin, for
threatening you. I didn't mean it and I'm sorry."

- Now, do you hear what I say?
- Oh, I hear what you say.

- Wilfred? Wilfred!
- There he is now.

Do you know what you've got to do? Jack!
Do you know what you've got to do?

Oh, I know what I've got to do.

Come on, there's the train.
Get your whistle. Come on.

Go on.

This is Hatley, Hatley, Hatley.

Change here for Buston and Wenstead.

- What are you doing, Mrs Schumann?
- Jack's got a sore throat.

This is Hatley, Hatley, Hatley.

I'm going to District to see Mr Orkindale.

Upon my return, Mr Skinner,
I want to see you in my office.

He says yes, Mr Parkin.

Right away.

Are you mad or what?

There you are, Harry.

The cup that cheers.

It don't cheer me up.

I was having a good lie-in this morning.

And that Wilfred, he drove me mad,
playing that guitar.



Da-da, dum-dum. Dum.

That got me up.

Was it the national anthem?

Of course it wasn't the bloomin" national
anthem. Singin' In The Rain, it was.

Oh, yes. I remember.

♪ I'm singin' in the rain

♪ Just singin' in the rain

Silly bloomin" song!

Who wants to go singing in the rain?

You get your umbrella up
and dive indoors as fast as you can.

It wouldn't have been such a popular song,

♪ Put your umbrella up

♪ And get indoors as fast as you can

I don't know, though. It's quite catchy.


- Arnold?
- What's the matter?

I made a perfect stop when we got to Hatley
and you didn't say a word.

Oh. I'm sorry, Ralph.

Sometimes I think you don't appreciate me.

You'll have to forgive
me, Ralph. It's Jessica.

I hardly slept a wink last night.

Oh, yeah? Getting a bit randy, is she?

No, it's nothing like that.

She takes to her bed
when she gets one of her wheezy chests.

She locks the door.

Had to sleep in the spare room
on the spare bed, then, eh?

No, no, the Labrador sleeps there.

I've tried sharing, but he gets restless.

Jessica gets restless sometimes, but you make
allowances when it's the wife, don't you?

Yeah, I suppose so.
At least she doesn't have fleas, does she?

No, no, of course not. Nothing like that.

She's most meticulous.

I spent the night in the armchair,
and I'm all hunched up and wrinkled.

You should have called round my house.
My mum could've ironed you.

- May?
- Yeah?

Have you got a glass of water?
I can feel one of my heads coming on.

Flippin' stools!
Why can't you have chairs at the bar?

There you are.

- Have you got a cold?
- No.

Look at me.

May, look at me.

- You've been crying, haven't you?
- Only a bit.

What's Jack been saying now?

Oh, it's not Jack. It's
nothing to do with Jack.

If you must know, it's Cecil.

Oh, yes? Has he been molesting you?

It wouldn't surprise me. Sometimes
he's got a molesting look in his eye.

It's nothing like that.

At least, not lately.

- What is it, then?
- Well, you know how we met a long time ago?

- 18 years.
- That's right.

Did he molest you then?
They're very often born like it, you know.

Ethel, molesting didn't come into it.

You told me yourself he kissed you.

- Yeah, well, it went a bit further than that.
- How much further?

Well, a lot further.

A big lot further.

You mean... you had...


- What?
- Relations!


But only once in a wild moment of passion?

No. Several times.

In several wild moments of passion.

Well, who'd have...

Stupid chair! It's ridiculous.

Look at it!

I mean, why can't you have sensible chairs
instead of these stupid things?

Oh... dear.

Right, where were we?

No, no, this is no good.
I'll get a crick in my neck.

It's not easy having a confidential talk with
you while you're rearranging my furniture.

- I'm sorry, May. Carry on.
- No, I've said too much already.

Anyway, where was Jack
while all this wild passion was going on?

Well, most nights he was having
to guard things, like soldiers do.

Oh, poor Jack.

A lot of his days were free, though.

You mean you was relationing with Jack at the
same time as you was relationing with Parkin?

Well, there was a war on. We didn't know
what was going to happen tomorrow.

You had a pretty good idea
what was going to happen today, though.

- Well, I was young, Ethel.
- Lucky you didn't get a bun in the oven.

May, you did, didn't you?

Did you get rid of it?
Well, was it adopted?

Well, what happened to it?

Oh, dear.

I think we'll both have a couple of
them brandies, and you're paying.

Come in.

Come in.

Hello, Percy.

Pardon me mentioning it, my old son, but
you've got a funny way of coming through doors.

Mr Parkin told me to do it that way,
so do it that way I must.

Are you sure he didn't mean that "Come in"
was to be said on this side of the door?

What would be the sense
in that? I'm already in.

Never mind.

- Oh, it's you. What do you want, a haircut?
- No, thanks.

- Bike mended?
- No, thanks.

- Shoes?
- No.

- You want to place a bet?
- No.

Just as well, innit?
You owe me too much already, don't you?


You haven't dropped in just to pass the time
of the day, cos you'd have passed it by now.

Tell you what. Have
you got a bow and arrow?

Bow and arrow?

Hang about.

How's that?

- It's a bit small.
- Well, how old's the kid?

It's not for a kid. It's for Parkin.

Parkin's got a kid?

Don't ask so many questions.

You could sharpen the end of that.


You could dip the end in poison.

Curare. That's the stuff.

I read about it in a book.
South American Indians use it.

Now, where can I get some curare?

Well, you could try Boots's.

Or Timothy White's.

Boots's? I'll give 'em a ring.

You'll probably need a prescription, mind.

I want a monthly return to Nether Padley.

Oh, what a delightful place.

I do hope you'll enjoy your stay.
Visiting friends, are you?

There's a nursing home there.

Oh, I see. Are you sure you want a return?

I'm just visiting my mother.

Oh, well, that's nice.

Have a nice day.


Oh, you frightened the life out of me.

I would like to make a personal,
private, confidential telephone call.

So would you both excuse me for a minute?

Of course.

Yeah, sure.

- What's Jack up to?
- I don't know. He's acting very strangely.

We'd better listen.

I said private, personal and confidential.

That means I don't want anybody to hear.

- I wasn't listening, Jack.
- Neither was I, I promise.

That's all right, then.

I'm very worried about him, Percy.

Oh, Jack'll be all right.
He just dwells on things a bit.

- I think he's upset about the Beeching business.
- It's affecting all of us.

I had an earful from your Wilf just now.

Oh? What about?

Well, I said I was thinking that it
was about time I settled down a bit.

Well, if you ask my advice, Percy, that girl
Amy is very nice, but she's too young for you.

And apart from that, she's a tart.

Ethel, I wasn't thinking of Amy.

Oh? Who were you thinking of, then?

Well, Ethel... It's like this, Ethel...

Oh, look, I can't keep calling you Ethel.
Can I call you Eth?

Only if you absolutely have to.

Well, look, Eth...

Boots were engaged,
and Timothy White's didn't have any.

What was all that about?

Don't worry about him.
Now, look, as I was saying...

It's not like Jack.

Eth, listen to me.

Eth, I'm talking to you!

Oh, sorry, Perce.

I think I'll call you Ethel, after all.

Now, look, Ethel, it just seems stupid
that I'm living all alone in my little pad,

and there's you,
all alone in that little cottage of yours.

Percy! If you're suggesting
what I think you're suggesting...!

- Well, we've known each other a long time.
- Not that long.

Now, don't get the wrong idea, Ethel.

It's you that's getting the wrong idea.

Ethel, Percy, there's a lot of banging coming
from Mr Parkin's house and he's gone to town.

- Can you come?
- Of course.

It started half a minute ago. Listen.

Come through this way.

- There it is again.
- It's not deathwatch beetle.

Somebody's in there, hammering.

Creep this way.

I thought you were going to get Harry
to seal this up?

- I know. I forgot.
- Does Jack know about it?

No, he doesn't. And he'd better not.

You go first, Perce.


Jack, what are you doing?

I'm glad you've come.
Steady the ladder for me.

What's going off?

You know at school we used to put a cushion
on top of the door,

so that when the teacher came in,
the cushion'd fall on her head?

Well, I'm doing one for Parkin.

Jack, have you gone round the twist?
You're not a kid any more.

I'm using the same principle.
I'm just doing an adult version.

Instead of a cushion,

I've got this bucket of bricks.

- Jack!
- I've thought about it a lot, Ethel.

I was going to fill it with sump oil,
but that wouldn't do any permanent damage.

I've never heard anything
so ridiculous in my life.

It's not ridiculous. I'm building the door up
so the bucket will sit level with the lintel.

It's all been carefully thought out.

- Percy, grab the ladder, there's a good chap.
- Oh, sorry, Jack.

- How did you all get in here?
- Through the window.

You shouldn't have done that.
This is Mr Parkin's private house.


I want you to come down off that ladder,

and we'll have a nice, quiet talk.

All right, but I've only got a couple
of minutes because Parkin'll be back.

- Oh, hello.
- Hi.

- Anybody sitting there?
- No, go ahead.

- Have you had a busy day?
- Yeah, we've been hard at it.

That's the way. Study hard,
it's bound to pay off in later life.

So we've been told.

- You're rather later than usual.
- Yeah, we both popped into the clinic.

Didn't you go by bicycle this morning?

We both did.

But this afternoon, Amy nearly fainted,
so we thought we'd better get the train.

- We've both been giving blood.
- Giving blood, eh? That's a splendid thing to do.

I'd expect any daughter of mine to do that.

I did it during the War. I was the senior orderly
in the blood transfusion unit, so I know about it.

We used to go as a party.
You know, Mum, Dad, Amy, all of us.

Sort of a family outing.

Then Mum got the jaundice
and Dad had a row with the head nurse.

I'm not surprised.

He said she used a blunt needle, but it was a
new one. I saw her take it out of the packet.

Funny thing was,
we were all the same group. O.

O? Are you sure?

Yeah. Whenever they saw us, they used
to say, "Here comes the O mob again."

- But, Gloria, you can't be O. I'm AB.
- What's that got to do with it?

Well, you...

No, I mean it's... It's impossible.

- Impossible?
- I mean...

An impossible coincidence
that you're all the same.

Tickets, please.
Tickets, please. Tickets, please.

Hello, Gloria.

Oh, hello, Mr Parkin.

- Blimey, you look pale. Are you feeling all right?
- Yes, of course.

We started talking about blood
and he went white.

Blood? Blood? Oh, my God!

Oh, ruddy typical!

♪ I'm singin' in the rain

Shut that...!

♪ Singin' in the rain

♪ What a glorious feeling

♪ I'm happy again

♪ La Ia Ia Ia laaaa

♪ La Ia Ia Ia laaaa

♪ Just singin'

♪ Singin' in the rain

Damn silly song!

Oh, Vera, have you seen May?

She's in there. She's got her
going-to-see-Mother hat on.

May! May! Parkin was on that train. He
grabbed Jack and rushed him into his office.

Oh, Cecil said he was going to confront
him. I hope Jack didn't do anything rash.

That's what I thought. I tried to follow them
in, but Parkin locked the door in my face.

I can't face it, Ethel.
I'm going home to Mum.

May, May!
You'll never guess what's just happened.

Parkin grabbed me
and rushed me into his office.

He was all over me, as nice as pie.

He kept apologising for how he'd treated me
and he kept saying how it was his own fault,

and he'd made a terrible mistake,
and could we start again?

May, why are you all dressed up?

Well, you know how it is.

Women get weary,
wearing the same shabby dress.

Oh, I see. Well, I'll go and give Harry
his bow and arrow back.

Jack! Jack! Parkin is all right, in't he?
I mean, you didn't do anything to him?

No, after he'd been so nice to me,
I didn't have the heart to kill him.

- What do you think happened?
- Cecil can't have said anything.

Or if he did, Jack didn't
listen. He never does.

- What are you going to do?
- I think we'd better have two of them brandies.

There's another bottle in the kitchen.

May, we have to have a very serious talk.
Sit down.

Oh, I see you're dressed and packed
and ready to go away with me.

Not exactly, Cecil.

Well, before we take such a final step,
there's something you must know.

Gloria is not our daughter.

What do you mean?

Gloria is not our daughter.

Unless that midwife was a conjurer,
she is very definitely mine.

I realise that, but I am not the father.

Mum! Mum!

One can never be exactly sure
about these things, can one?

Sometimes one can. You see,
the proof lies in the blood groups.

I was chief orderly in a blood transfusion unit
just after the War, so I know all about it.

You, Jack and Gloria are the same group.

- Oh!
- That's right. So that means...

♪ I'm gonna wash that
man right out of my hair

♪ I'm gonna wash that
man right out of my hair

♪ Flush him out, flush him out,
drive him out, wash him out...

Mrs Schumann, what are you doing?

- Well, I... I'm just giving the place a cleanup.
- Mrs Schumann, you haven't got a cloth.

Oh, no, I haven't, have I?

Do you know,
I'd forget my head if it wasn't screwed on.

Oh, there you are.
Orkindale from District was on that train.

He was looking for you,
so I sent him round to your house.

Oh. Well, if you will excuse me,
Mrs Skinner, we'll have a chat later.

Let's have those two brandies.


Orkindale got the bucket.

Oh, heck. It's a good job I changed my mind
and took the bricks out.

Well, thank heaven for small mercies.

Mind you, I filled it with sump oil.

Where are you going?

The pair of them
have been in a funny mood all day.

♪ Oh, Doctor Beeching, what have you done?

♪ There once were lots of trains to catch,
but soon there will be none

♪ I'll have to buy a bike,
cos I can't afford a car

♪ Oh, Doctor Beeching,
what a naughty man you are

♪ Oh, Doctor Beeching, what have you done?

♪ There once were lots of trains to catch,
but soon there will be none

♪ I'll have to buy a bike,
cos I can't afford a car

♪ Oh, Doctor Beeching,
what a naughty man you are