Oh Doctor Beeching! (1995–1997): Season 2, Episode 4 - The Van - full transcript

Cecil is jealous when Mr. Orkindale from Head office sends May roses, but he has also been appointed station master at three smaller stations as well as Hatley, and British Railways have given him an ancient van whose doors stick, in which to visit them. After Jack has taken May's fridge in the van to be mended, Arnold the train driver requests everybody's help as he fears his wife has locked herself in the outside toilet, though it proves to be a false alarm.

Ralph, we're going to try something new.
Are you listening?

- You have my undivided attention.
- Good.

Now this time, when we get to the station,
I want you to try doing it a different way.

I shall look forward to that.

Are you listening?

Halfway along the platform,
I want you to very nearly stop.

- Very nearly stop?
- That's right.

And then you can coast to the edge.

- Coast to the edge?
- You've got it.

And then... very gently stop.
Now, do you understand?

- I think so.
- Good.

Shall I put some more coal on?

Do you think it's necessary?

Well, I noticed there's a bit
of a nip in the air this morning.

Yes, I had noticed that myself.

Just two lumps, then.

Make it three
and I'll look out for the signals.

Come in.

Wilfred, come here.

You don't have to knock
when you come into the refreshment room.

It's public property.

I knock on every door I go through
so I don't get in trouble with Mr Parkin.

- Mum, there's a letter for you.
- Ooh!

- There's one for you, Percy.
- Ah.

- Ooh, it feels like a card.
- Yeah, so does mine.

It's a wedding invitation. I opened it.

Wilfred, you've no business
to open my letters. They're private!

It wasn't sealed up.

Ask Jack to pop in when he has a minute.
Fridge has gone wrong again.


Blimey! Angela Murphy's getting married.
You remember Angie, Ethel?

Oh, fancy! How lovely.
I trained her as a booking office clerk.

Percy tried to train her as well
but she wasn't having any.

That's not true! That's liable!

May, give us a cup of tea
before the train gets here. I'm parched.

The fridge has broken
again. Can you mend it?

No sooner asked than granted.

- The motor's not running.
- MAY: I know!

(Crashing and clunking)

May, it's broken.

It is now.

I'll get Parkin to get a man round.

Oh, hello, Mr Parkin, I were just
looking at May's fridge. It's knackered.

I'll have a look at it in a moment.
I have an announcement to make.

- Would you go and see the 9.31 through?
- Shouldn't I hear the announcement?

I'll tell you about it later.

- With it being important...
- Train, Mr Skinner.

Very well, Mr Parkin.

(Blows raspberry)

(Shouts) This is ruddy Hatley,
ruddy Hatley, ruddy Hatley!

Change here for ruddy Busten
and ruddy Wenstead.

You've stopped 30 yards short!

We're right opposite the refreshment room.

- Fancy a cuppa?
- No, I do not fancy a cuppa!

Turn off your vent valve.
You'll cover the customers in steam!


RALPH: It's stuck!

Pay attention, everyone.
This won't take a second.

I'm very pleased, in fact, I'm very
honoured to be able to tell you... (Coughs)

(Coughs) As I was saying,
I'm very honoured to be able to tell you

that I have been appointed... (Coughs)

Shut those windows, quick!

- Where are they?
- Where the steam's coming through.

Oh, dear!

Do you happen to have a spanner
about that big with a very long handle?

Of course I haven't!

For heaven's sake, shut those doors!

- Oh, sorry. Anyone seen Ralph?
- He was here a minute ago.

- (Whistle blows)
- Who's that blowing my whistle?

What were you going to say, Mr Parkin?

Oh, Amy, I forgot my bag. Bye, Mum.

- Are you going?
- I am if I can find the door.

- I think it's this way.
- (Coughs) Ow!

Sorry, Mr Parkin!
Ooh, haven't you got strong arms?



(Hissing subsides)

I've done it.

Now, Jack, you have no business
interfering with my mechanisms.

Somebody has to do something!

- Is this any help?
- Oh...

He's done it. Get on the cab.

You! Get off my cab!

Ralph, come here.

- I thought we'd missed the train.
- No, I think they'll be a while yet.

(Mumbling and groaning)

You what?
Can't you do better than Thursday week?

My wife's butter
will have gone runny by then.

And her ham will have gone all pongy.

Of course I can't bring it in, it's more than two
hundredweight. Who do you think I am - Tarzan?

Come in.

- Mr Skinner, Cecil wants a word with us all.
- Mr Parkin to you. What's he want?

He's going to try and make
his important announcement.

- What, again?
- He's going to try it without smoke.

Settle down as quickly as you can,
Mr Skinner.

Oh, you want me to hear it this time?

There are no trains coming through
this time, Mr Skinner.

I wasn't here last time. What did he say?


Behave yourself, Jack.

I am very pleased and honoured
to be able to tell you

that I am to be stationmaster
at Knossington Bassett.

Oh, well done, Cecil! Er... Mr Parkin.

Does that mean you're leaving, Mr Parkin?

No, I shall keep my job here
as well as taking over Knossington Bassett.

That's half a result.

May I be first to congratulate you
on taking over Knossington Bassett?

You may.

Congratulations on taking over
Knossington Bassett.

- Which is closing in September.
- Jack!

No, he's right.
It was all the talk at District yesterday.

I am also to take over Coldhorton
and Orston in the Wold.

Which are closing in November.

They still have to be supervised,
Mr Skinner.

I think Mr Parkin should buy us all
half a pint to drink his health.

Hear hear!

Yes! Let's have half pints all round
on Mr Parkin.

And ham sandwiches. They won't keep past
tomorrow cos the fridge is on the blink.

Have you done anything about it?

Gaskins can't come till Thursday week.
They said, could I bring it in?

Could you have a look, Mr Parkin?

I had a look at it half an hour ago.

I think I can do better than that.

In order to get to these stations, I am to be
provided with a small British Railways van.

So I will drive you, Mrs Skinner,
and your fridge,

to Gaskins this afternoon
when it arrives.

Does that solve your problem, Mr Skinner?


I am not having you go with him in a van!

Give over, Jack,
we're only taking the fridge to Gaskins!

He said it was a small van. I'm not having
you going with Parkin in a small van!

- They'll have the fridge with them.
- Shut up!

Do you think he'd give me a lift?
Then I could go with May.

I need to get a hat
for Angela's wedding.

Oh, Mum, don't wear a hat!
It's embarrassing!

What's so embarrassing
about me wearing a hat?

You draw attention to yourself.

Well, you won't be there, so shut up.

There. Ethel's coming as well.

There's a little British Railways van
arrived outside,

which is being operated by Mr Organdale.

I'm not here!

ETHEL: He's here. Come on.

Morning, Jack. Morning, Ethel.
Who just went out?

Mate of mine. Just going back on duty.

Thought it might be
Harry, he weren't in his box.

- I've brought you some roses, May.
- Oh! You shouldn't have, Mr Orkindale.

My garden's full of them, Jack.

- I'll bring you some next time, Ethel.
- Oh, thanks ever so, Mr Orkindale.

- Ah! Mr Orkindale.
- Morning. I've brought your van round.

Thank you very much.

It's been in the yard quite some time
but it's going all right. Here's the key.

You have got a British Railways licence,
haven't you?

- No, I'm afraid not, Mr Orkindale.
- That might be a bit of a problem.

I've got one, Mr Orkindale.

That's all right, then. Jack can give you
lessons and I'll pass you out next week.

Don't worry, Mr Orkindale.
I'll make sure he's properly instructed.

- Can I drive the van for practice?
- Not on your own. You wouldn't be insured.

- (Train whistle)
- Are you seeing the Clumberfield through?

Certainly, Mr Orkindale.

I shall see you next week, Mr Parkin.
So long, all.


- Bye, May.
- Bye!

JACK: Hatley, Hatley, Hatley!

He seems very friendly with you
this morning.

We've known each other a long time.

I've known him a long time
but I don't get roses.

- He's bringing you some next time.
- Next time!

I've heard of second-hand Rose,
now it's next-time Ethel!



Mr Parkin, there's not much happening
for the next hour or two.

- Would you like a driving lesson?
- Er... No, thank you.

I'm rather busy. I have a lot of paperwork
with all these stations to look after.

The sooner you get to drive your van,

the sooner you get to dash about between
stations and look as though you're busy.

We've all got to look busy these days,
haven't we? So many lines shutting down.

All in good time, Mr Skinner.


It must be humiliating for you
to have to take driving lessons from me,

you being stationmaster and all,

but if you don't want me
to give you lessons, Harry will take you.

If you've got the nerve.

When the time comes,
I'll be happy for you to instruct me.

In that case, can I borrow the van
to take May's fridge to the menders?

- I was going to do that!
- It won't wait till next Thursday.

May needs it to stop
her ingredients going off.

Oh, very well. But take care.

Don't give it another thought, Mr Parkin.
You've got enough on your plate.

Mr Skinner! The key.

That's it.

Hey! He's given me the key!

Wait while I get there
to put it on the back.

- Don't worry, we will!
- Now, now, hey...

Lower it gently, Wilfred. Mind your back!

May, open the doors.

Wilfred, get round the other side.

May, Ethel, get a good grip underneath.

One, two, three... Lift!

MAN: Hey! Hey!

You mind you don't strain your backs!

Thank you, Harry!

Just a minute.

Down, down.

Slide it forward gently.

(All groan)

There. It's gone in beautifully.

- That's what the bishop said to the actress.
- Wilfred!

I'll stop you going to that youth club!

Right, all aboard. Ta-ta, May.

Bye, love. I'll see you teatime.

- Ethel, have you got your money?
- It's in my handbag.

I should go for something with a wide brim
and lots of net all round.

Oh, Mum! Don't, please!

- Shut up!
- I'll have to go. My urn's on.

- Ta-ra, then.
- Ta-ra.

HARRY: Jack!

- Jack!
- What?

Don't give her too much choke.

Thank you, Harry!

Jack, I can't open this door.

Hey! They're a bit stiff at times.

We know!

Wilfred, give it some kicks with your boot.

Come in.

HARRY: Wilfred!

That is no way
to treat British Railways property.

- Ignore him.
- JACK: Ethel!

- Get in this side.
- Oh 'eck!

I can't get across with you stuck there,
can I?

All right.

Well, help me!

- Look after my handbag.
- In you get.

Jack! Jack, my foot's stuck
on the gear lever! Give us a hand!

- Not there, Jack!
- Hurry up! Gaskins will be shut!

I'm going as fast as I can! I don't fold up
as well as I did when I was younger.

- Ooh!
- Are you settled now?

Yes, thank you. Where's my handbag?

- You're sat on it!
- I'm not sitting on it!

- Oh, er... Yes, I am.
- Right! We're off!

(Tries to start engine)

(Harry laughs)

You know what you've done, don't you?
You've flooded it.

- Mr Skinner, Harry says you've flooded it.
- I heard and I have not flooded it!

You have flooded it
and now your battery's dead.

- Mr Skinner, Harry says...
- Shut up! I'll have to crank it.

(Engine doesn't start)

- Mr Skinner, I think it's stuck.
- Wilfred will have to crank it.

- Where's the handle?
- I expect it's under your seat!

ETHEL: I can't feel it!
JACK: Let me have a go.

- Jack, I'm sure it can't be there.
- There's something here.

- That's my left ankle!
- You'll have to get out.

How can I? The door's jammed!

You'll have to climb out through my window.

- Don't be ridiculous!
- We can't sit here all night.

All right, you climb through your window!


Flipping heck!

Look... All right, all right!

I give up! I'll have a go!

Good girl! Aargh! Aargh!

Wilfred, hold my handbag.

- Wilfred, help your mother!
- I've got you, Mother!

Agh! Oh!

No, Jack, Jack! I've got my foot stuck
on the gear lever again! Give us a push!

I've told you before! Not there!

- (Bell rings)
- Oh, ruddy train!

Well, it'll have to wait.
I'm not missing this!

- Are you alone?
- So it seems.

- Mind if I come in?
- The station is open.

The public
are admitted to the refreshment room.

Seems very quiet.

You should have been here at lunchtime.
It was exciting.

I did three ham sandwiches
two Welsh rabbits and a sausage roll.

- Are those roses from your garden?
- No.

- Did Jack give them to you?
- No.

Jack doesn't do this sort of thing.

He would do, but it never occurs to him.

Was it one of your satisfied customers?

I don't give my customers
all that much satisfaction, Cecil.

If you must know,
Mr Orkindale gave them to me.

- Mr Orkindale?
- I'm glad your hearing's all right.

- Why should Mr Orkindale give you roses?
- Stick these on the tables.

I'm just so disappointed at not
being able to drive you and your fridge

to Gaskins this afternoon.

Never mind, Cecil.
There'll be other days and other fridges.

We would have had
a few precious moments alone.

We're alone now.

Ooh, sorry I mentioned it.

Don't keep rejecting me, May.

Well... I don't know how to handle you.

If I don't fend you off, you get
all touchy and feely and I get all...

Well, I get all confused.

- Oh, May...
- Oh, Cecil...

♪ I ain't nothing but a hound dog

♪ Crying all the...

Oh! Playing statues again, are we?

Arnold is bicycling up the road
and he hasn't got his engine with him.

I think he seems rather distressed.

Have I chosen a bad time?


(Breathlessly) Where's Jack?

He's gone to Clumberfield. He should be
back in a minute. What's the matter?

It's the wife... Jessica...

She's gone off.

What, exploded?

When I got home, she wasn't there.

She's usually waiting at the garden gate
because she wants me to light the oven.

She's frightened of it, you see,

because of past experiences.

She wasn't there
and I've searched high and low for her.

- Where could she have gone?
- Well...

She could be in the outside toilet.

Because I couldn't get in.
She could have fainted, you see.

Well, you know how people do.

Well, she does, anyway.

- Have you phoned the police?
- No, I didn't want to bother them.

I'm sorry, Mr Thomas,
but I can't leave the station.

Jack'll be back soon
but I don't see what use he'd be.

WILFRED: Come in.

Mr Parkin, Mr Skinner's brought the van
back but the doors are still stuck.

Thank heavens for that! Jack!


What are you doing?

Unless I'm mistaken, someone's going
to need a brandy in the next half an hour.

- I wish I could leave the station.
- Oh, rats to the station.

Oh dear, Mrs Plumtree.

This is one of those occasions
when one feels absolutely useless.

My late husband,
he was an engine driver, you know,

and he used to feel useless at times.

Well, he was useless at times.

Where's Ralph?

He's gone to fetch the fire brigade.

Don't worry, Arnold, we'll all go
and see what's happened. Climb in.

- Jack, I want to get out!
- You can't get out.

- I'm bursting!
- You'll have to burst!

Ethel, here's the first aid kit.

And a brandy.

And a bottle of water in case you need it.

I won't need it.

Don't shut them doors.

I told 'em not to shut the doors.

No-one listens to advice.

- (Bell rings)
- Shut up!


We can't get out the doors
so we'll have to go out the back.

I do hope
that Jessica's not done anything rash.

It's hardly likely, Arnold,
if she's unconscious in the toilet.

Mr Skinner,
the back doors won't open from the inside.

Somebody will have to go
through the window.

I'm not going through all that again!
Not in my condition.

Oh, Ethel, I'd no idea.

Selfish me,
worrying about my own little problems.

When's the happy event?

Not that sort of condition!

- Wilfred, you go through the window.
- Yes, Mr Skinner.

- Jack, what shall I do with this?
- Give it here.

Oh dear. Careful, Wilfred!

ETHEL: Wilfred!

JACK: You've got your knee in... Argh!
ETHEL: Just move a bit!

Wilfred, get up or
you'll spoil your uniform

ETHEL: Arnold, give us a hand!

ETHEL: Argh! Not there!

Come on, quick. This way.

ETHEL: Oh dear.
(Both groan)

- Oh dear.
- Mum! Did you have to wear that hat?

Yes, I did! It was in the sale
and they didn't have a box!

- Hey, where's my handbag?
- You don't need your handbag!

I'm not leaving it here where
anyone could pinch it! Go and get it!

- But Mum...
- Go and get my handbag!

- Can you see anything?
- No, it's all dark.

Give her a shout.

Jessica! Jessica?



Who's Poppadom?

Oh, it's just a little nickname
I have for her.

You know, during our... intimate moments.

Poppadom! Poppadom!

Her dad was in the Indian army
when she was a toddler

so I called her Poppadom as a joke
and it sort of stuck.

Poppadom! Poppadom!

They're those big, round, crispy things
that taste like dust.

I know what they are.

(High-pitched voice) Poppadom!


What's going off?

We can't see if Jessica's in there or not.

Ethel, have you got a mirror in your bag?

There you are, Wilfred!
I said I needed my handbag.

Hang on. Here you are.

(Engine approaching)
- What's that?

The fire brigade couldn't come
cos they're doing a fire.

They sent this
but I thought it was a bit dangerous.

What's the crane for?

I thought we could hitch it up to the khazi
and then we could lift it up in the air.

Good lad! Drop it down, Ralph!

- Wilfred, climb up and get a hitch round it.
- Yes, Mr Skinner.

(Engine starts)



Yes, Ethel?

- I've got to go.
- Oh, right.

It was good of you
to come in the first place.

No! I've got to go. (Whispers)

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Well, it's just over here.

Oh, that one's engaged.
I'm sure Mrs next door wouldn't mind.

Right. Oh! Ah! Oh!

Jack! Jack!

- What is it?
- I've just thought.

Jessica might be... semi... Well, semi...

- Conscious?
- No!


She wouldn't want anyone
to see anything cos she's very retiring.

Well, that's easy. Come on.

Oh, aye.

You take one end, I'll take the other.

- Are you ready, Wilfred?
- All ready, Mr Skinner.

Stand by, Ralph.

- All right, Ethel?
- No, it was locked.

I went behind a gooseberry bush.

Ethel, I wonder if you mind
taking over Jack's end of the sheet.

Jessica trusts you because you're a woman
and Jack isn't. No offence, Jack.

No, it's a pleasure.

- You do understand?
- Yeah, forget it.

Right, Ralph, haul away slowly.


She's not there!

Well, she wouldn't be there, would she?

Unless she's an acrobat.

WILFRED: Arnold!

Jessica! Where have you been?

She's been to the Co-op.
They had a special offer on onions.


Oh, Poppadom!


Ah, well. Here we go again.

- Jack, where's my handbag?
- I don't know.

Ooh, I know!
Wilfred, go and get my handbag.

- Where is it?
- I left it under a gooseberry bush.

♪ Oh Doctor Beeching, what have you done?

♪ There once were lots of trains to catch
but soon there will be none

♪ I'll have to buy a bike
cos I can't afford a car

♪ Oh, Doctor Beeching,
what a naughty man you are

♪ Oh, Doctor Beeching,
what have you done?

♪ There once were lots of trains to catch
but soon there will be none

♪ I'll have to buy a bike
cos I can't afford a car

♪ Oh, Doctor Beeching,
what a naughty man you are