Nurse Jackie (2009–2015): Season 4, Episode 6 - No-Kimono-Zone - full transcript

Previously on Nurse Jackie...

I'm dropping a morale
bomb on the troops today.

Uniform scrubs on the nurses.

Ooh! Dress code.

Behold!

The new All Saints duds.

"Wanted, roommate."

Gonna hang these up,
see if I can find somebody

to go splitsies with
me on a phat pad.

If you need a place,
Zoey, I have a place.

I have a couch. Live with you?



Till you find a
place, yeah, sure.

I have a present.

He's not even born yet. I know.

But when am I ever gonna
have another baby in my life?

How many did she take?

She took a lot.

Are you Jackie Peyton? Yes.

You've been served.

I thought we weren't
gonna do that anymore.

Oh.

Oh, fuck.

I just dreamed I used.

Wow. Did you hear what I said?

I heard what you said, Jackie.



And it wasn't a dream.

You stood right there
and you took a pill

and made a fool of
yourself with your boss

and then came over
here and slept it off.

We all saw.

Wait, I just woke up
this second, just now.

Oh, don't even try.

We're done, Jackie.

Wait a second.

We're done.

Zoey.

Zoey.

Zoey.

It took me three hours to turn
off the alarm on your phone.

Hey, guys. Hi.

It's a special app designed
to wake me up in stages.

Phones are phones.
Clocks are clocks.

And that is a kimono.

I thought we talked
about this, Zoey.

My kitchen is a no-kimono zone.

I thought you were kidding.

I thought I was
kidding, too, but that...

It's a lot. It is.

I am re-teaching
my body to wake up.

With a kimono?

No, with an app. I
haven't figured it out yet.

I can probably figure it out.

That's a good thing, Grace,
'cause otherwise me and Fi

are going to give her phone

some swimming
lessons in the toilet.

Right, Fi?

I'm doing a thing on snakes.

Zoey helped me nail it.

Ectothermic, rectilinear...

You know, the yoozh.

See? It's a lot.

Thanks, Zoey. Thanks, Zoey.

Have a good day, guys.

Wait, hold on. Here.

Thank you.

Show her. Come on, Fiona.

Show me what?

Show me what?

Lenny proposed.

Wow. Go, Lenny.

Right? Right?

Congratulations. Are
you gonna wear it to work?

I don't know. Should I not?

It's up to you. Mine
always got in the way.

Playa, hear ya
loud and clear-ya.

Wow, Zoey.

With the gloves, I meant.

It always got in the
way with the gloves.

I feel really bad that I'm getting
married when you're getting unmarried.

Honey, no.

Please don't feel
bad. It's very exciting.

Honey.

Prenatal vitamins
and black coffee.

Pregnant goddess tea.

Oh!

I'm toning my uterus.

Huh, so am I.

Also I had spinach for
brekky, but that's between us.

I don't want people to
think I'm spoiling my baby.

By eating right?

By sacrificing
the things I love.

Meat, seafood, scotch, sex.

Although, it's 9:00 a.m.

I suppose I might not
have had sex just yet.

But you might have
had oysters and scotch.

I might have. You
don't know. Fair enough.

I, however, did have
sex for breakfast.

Not really. It was dream sex.

Felt pretty real, though.

Got loaded and
had sex with Cruz.

Whoo!

You look refreshed.

Yeah.

Then I woke up and Zoey
was wearing a kimono

and Fi was talking about snakes.

Oh, God, please don't.

That's what it's like to be me.

God, wouldn't it be hilarious

if after all this time you
actually had a thing for doctors?

No, I don't have
a thing for doctors.

I have a thing for drugs.

Yes? MAN: Is this Jackie Peyton?

Yes, it is.

Hello? Yeah, okay.

Thank you.

Everything okay?

That was Kevin's lawyer.
He is suing for custody.

Big wedding? Small wedding?

We haven't talked about it.

How could you not be talking
about it? Who does that?

It's a wedding. Hey, Jackie.

Jackie?

Okay.

I'm sorry. Hey.

Did you lose something?

No.

Come with me.

So, are you in the witness
protection program?

Excuse me?

Well, I'm going through all
the departments, not just yours,

and in 20 years
of being a nurse,

there's not a single
complaint against you.

I mean, nothing. There's no
workman's comp, no urinalysis,

no vacation days accrued
or used. I mean, nothing.

Well, Coop alone has lodged
over a dozen complaints,

so you've got to
check your computer.

I did. That's what
I'm telling you.

There's date of birth,
date of hire, that's it.

I peed in a cup
like everybody else.

I cashed in my vacation
days. I've got none left.

So, I don't know,
just start a new file.

There's no need
to call in the guard.

Is that what I did,
called in the guard?

Feels like it.

Yeah, Cruz.

Okay, got it.

A hospital transfer,
crushed foot.

Come on, walk with me.

It's a mistake.

One of your IT guys must
have screwed up or something.

The law of averages.
Possible? Yes. Probable? No.

You're making a mountain.
That's all I'm saying.

Don't underestimate me, Jackie.

Right back at you.

How's that?

Don't underestimate me either.

Don't worry. I won't.

Hey, guys. A male named Carlos.

The ring looks good, boo.

I'm wearing gloves.
OR's ready when you are.

It still looks good.

Gettin' hitched.

Yes, I heard. What do we got?

You are stabilizing
him for an amputation.

Says who? Brooklyn Med.

A forklift dropped
a safe on his foot.

Nine hundred
pounds of steel, bam!

He had a lumbar epidural block,

morphine IV, 10
milligrams at Brooklyn Med.

Seriously, he's out of it.

Later, boo.

Hi. My name is Jackie.
Can you hear me?

Do you know where you are?

Zoey, call down to
OR, tell them to hold off.

I want to get film from
every angle. Got it.

Are you gonna try
to save the foot?

Wouldn't you?

Zoey, would you grab
me a Doppler, please?

Let's see if there's
any life left in there.

I already did. The
ankle's got a pulse.

Are you shitting me?
Really? Okay, game change.

Do you want to hear?
No, I'll take your word for it.

Zoey, call down to ortho
and get them in the loop.

Hold on, how did you know I
was gonna ask for a Doppler?

I don't know. Just a hunch.

You want me to cancel the OR?

Please. Poor fuckers.

All scrubbed up
and itching to saw.

When you're a hammer,

everything looks like a nail.

You can go back out on
the floor. Jackie and I got it.

Morphine? Yeah, give him five.

If you get home first, I
have stuff in the washer.

And we're out of vacuum bags.

And fish food.

Thank you, Zoey.

She's staying with me until
she can get her own place.

That's the second time you
have an answer that I'm looking for

before I even know
what the question is.

That's two for two. You
want to go for three?

Come on, what do I
want to know next?

No, I never studied Spanish.
I learned it on the job.

Okay, that's weird. Maybe
I did underestimate you.

Yeah, me, too. You.

All right. Go ahead.
I'll keep him company.

How's my guy?

Don't you dare.

Any good patients?

Potential night nurses, not
that it's any of your business.

If I wasn't a doctor, I'm telling
you, a night nurse all the way.

Well, then thank
God you're a doctor.

Oh!

He kicked.

He knows my voice.
He likes me already.

I'm here for you, little buddy.

Stop it.

How are you doing?
It's Uncle Coop.

Maybe he's British.

How are you? It's Uncle Coop.

Oh, my God, you're a
donkey. Please stand up.

Don't!

You're not his uncle. You're
not related to him in any way.

Not biologically, but
I'll be there for him

if he needs me, if you need me.

Steer clear of my bloodline.

I'm not afraid of diapers.

Oh!

You have to call me back, Kevin.

I don't want to go
through lawyers.

Please can we be adults?

What?

There is a girl or a guy in 3.

Okay, you have to
clarify. Is it a guy or a girl?

I am currently
unable to clarify.

Oh, for God's sake.

Hello, gorgeous.

Are you talking to me?

Hell, yes, I'm talking to you.

Look how pretty your eyes are.

Hello, hello. You must be Lonna.

Excuse me while I bow in thanks,

because, yes, I must be Lonna.

It's a pretty name.

She's, like, my
favorite all-time nurse.

I was afraid I'd get some
ugly-ass doctors, but you two,

swinging it like
a big fat purse.

Well, this must
be your lucky day.

Apart from the recurrent
fever, sweats and syncope.

Every once in a
while, I get hot,

I start to faint and
everyone starts to panic.

Also says here you've got
abdominal cramping. Is that accurate?

On the DL, I do
a little estrogen.

It's only now my stomach
says "hell to the no" to the pill.

You know what I'm saying?

Hear that, Jacks? "Hell
to the no" to the pill.

Really?

May I?

Let's see what we've got.

Are those your real lashes?

Why, yes, they are.

What part of
England are you from?

London, mostly.

You're really tender,
especially around the liver.

Did you know Princess Di?

Briefly. Really lovely.

Oh, my God, I knew it.

Jacks, could we get
some blood, please?

Here, this might
pinch a little bit.

I did five years of injections.

I don't feel a thing.

Blood.

Urine. Always the urine.

Dr. O'Hara filled me in about
your custody situation, Jackie.

Yeah, welcome to the shit show.

If you need to slip
out for an AA meeting,

I'll cover your shift.
Anything you need...

What I'd love is
to not talk about it.

Okay.

Hey, what do you
know about my file?

What file is that?

Complaints, vacation
days, urinalysis.

Don't know anything about it.

You were the only one...

What I'd love is
to not talk about it.

Mmm.

Lonna, darling,

do you find yourself
sweating more than usual?

You're, like, model-tall.

I bet you rock an
outfit like the runway.

Once upon a time, perhaps.

Listen, Lonna, I'm a little
concerned about the estrogen.

Will you tell her I'm
about to get all Sally Field,

Not Without My
Daughter on her ass?

'Cause I'm not giving it up.

I see a baby,

but I don't see a
ring. You married?

Far from it.

One last question.
Blood in your stool?

Okay, back me up. My
questions are way better than hers.

Don't you think? Yes, I do.

Look, could you...
Stop ganging up on me.

Lonna, I'd like to admit you

until we hear from radiology
and the lab, all right?

I've got a real job
with real insurance,

Xerox and a cubicle.

I can pay for my
own stuff, y'all,

so do your thing.

I mean, I wish I could explain
how satisfying it is to be a mother.

You're not their mother.

Doesn't mean I
don't do mom things.

I do breakfast.

Do you make Jackie breakfast?

I do. And she's not picky.

Neither is Fi, which is
good, because Grace,

there's no telling
what'll set her off.

Say what you will, but
kids need two parents.

I dare you to come over
here and say that to my face.

I decline that dare on the
grounds that you will hit me.

Hey there, little buddy.

Don't pretend
like he didn't kick.

Right, that's it.

Time for a nap.

Oh, purse, please.

Sit still.

I can't do my job if
you keep moving.

Life's a moving target.
You know it's true.

We'll settle up
when you're done.

Mark Glotzbocker.

That's my legal name,
not my real name.

My real name's Lonna Hilton.

Lonna 'cause it's pretty

and Hilton 'cause it's fierce.

If I'm ever on the lam,
you're in charge of my name.

I'm thinking Ginger something.

Wouldn't it suck if the one
thing that makes life worth living

is the thing that's
making me sick?

You know what I think? I
think transitions are hard.

I'm telling you right now

if I have to go back to living
as Mr. Mark Glotzbocker,

I will fucking kill myself.

Let's just see what the
blood work says, okay?

Want some magazines?

Ooh, Tic Tacs and
Vogue. You gots?

I gots.

Do you know who the
father of O'Hara's baby is?

I do not. You swear?

I swear. Why are you asking?

'Cause if you don't know,

then obviously she doesn't
have a father figure in place,

which means the
daddy slot is wide open.

Don't call it a slot.

Copy that.

I have a question.

I've got a million.

Pharmaceutical side effects
of estrogen, what's the deal?

Depends on the delivery system.

Injections are
rough on the liver.

Pills, long-term high
dose, liver and stomach.

The smoothest
delivery, transdermal.

Costs more, but if
shit's contaminated,

i.e. immunodeficient,
ulcerative,

it's the patch or the morgue.

Check out the brain on Eddie.

Mmm-hmm. Still got it.

How are you doing?

I can still ask that, right?

How are you holding up?

He's coming after the kids.

Jesus.

Oh, fuck me.

Why? What's the matter?

He... He was in here.

He was making a list of
the shit that you were on.

He what?

He barged in. He
started taking notes.

What the fuck was
I supposed to do?

You could have told me, Eddie.

Maybe I could have
done something.

Do you understand?

He's coming after
me, guns loaded.

It's not a fucking
joke. He's gonna win.

Jackie, one more question. No.

You're a mom, right? Go away.

Do you think kids need dads? No.

Dr. Cruz is requesting a sitz
bath and some Imodium, please.

Notice anything different?

Mmm... No.

What about now?

Huh?

Cocksucker! Motherfucker!
Where's my ring?

Eddie, where's my ring?

Whoa, whoa. Wait, where's
the last place you saw it?

On my finger! What
do I do? What do I do?

The first thing you do is
you relax. You gotta stay cool.

Cool, check!

Yes, you need to keep breathing.

Breathing, check.

You need to retrace your steps.

Social butterfly. Next idea.

Pray. Pray to Saint
Anthony. O mighty Father...

Not here, not here. Christ.

Be more specific.

Move!

Right, the good news is
we've got to the bottom of it.

The bad news is you're no
longer tolerating the estrogen.

All you're saying is that
my body is not cooperating,

and that's not news to me, okay?

Just give me my things.
I've got places to be.

Lonna, you've
contracted Hepatitis B,

which means your
body's susceptible

to infection. You're
really vulnerable.

Okay, and I asked nicely.
Can I have my things, please?

Look, it's not that simple.

A bleeding ulcer left untreated

combined with Hep
B, it could kill you.

You've got my card.
Could you run it, please?

Get away from my desk.

I lost my ring.

I told you not to wear it.

Will you look for me, please?

No.

I'll do dinner and
dishes for a week.

My clairvoyant nurse.

Zoey lost her ring.

Halfway there.

Take a look. You, too, Zoey.

Hmm. Looks like a robot's foot.

No, that's just good
old-fashioned medicine.

What's with the pocket?

I was just closing out a bill.

Charitable works, not a charity.

Wow, somebody was listening.

You're leaving against
medical advice, really not wise.

I'm not interested
in wise, okay?

Y'all wake up, throw on a
lipstick, some Louboutins,

and no one asks you
if you're really a girl.

I've got five years of injections
and two years on the pill.

So don't ask me to go
backsliding, 'cause I won't.

Insurance won't
pay for the patch?

Please. The only way I'm paying
for patches is if I start turning tricks,

and I'm not doing a
sashay-shante cliche for anybody.

I've got a job, okay?

With vacation days and a 401K.

You're in the wrong
place, young lady.

No, baby, I'm in the wrong body.

I'm fully aware of that.

Where you need to
be is Callen Lorde.

It's a clinic at 18th
and I don't know what.

They specialize in
gender transitions.

They'll pay for your
patches, monitor your health.

Thirty years of dealing
with social services,

I know where the
goodies are stashed.

Hmm. Ooh.

Upside, baby. Downside, bladder.

Excuse me. Sorry.

Let's get you in the
right place. Card, please.

Legal name, Mark Glotzbocker.

Opens up a host
of complications.

That card is good. I
pay my premiums...

Keep your mouth
shut. Watch and learn.

Now, Mark Glotzbocker is
insured, not very well, by the way.

Gastrografin, blood
work, antibiotics...

Before the deductible,

Mark owes us something in
the neighborhood of $3,200.

That's my Cabo money.

But all the charts
are in Lonna's name.

Do you see my predicament?

I do.

Mark is insured. Lonna's not.

Mark owes $3,200.

Lonna rides for free.

Answer this next
question very carefully.

Are you Mark Glotzbocker

or are you Lonna Hilton?

Lonna Donatella
Hilton, final answer.

I need Zoey. Ladies' room.

Give me your hand.
Close your eyes.

Give me your hand.

How did you find it?

20/10 vision, better
than an astronaut.

Here's my quagmire.

I think you mean "quandary."

Mmm. Only time will tell.

Lenny slid the ring on, right?

And I was like,

"Wow, that is really nice."

Which is how it should be.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But then Coop slid the ring on

and it was, like, oh,
my God amazing,

like amazing.

Okay?

And I don't think it's because he's
a doctor or because he smells good

or because he's super hot.

I think it's because
maybe Lenny isn't the one.

And I'm not saying that
Coop is the one either...

Zoey.

Really? Me? Why?

Because I... Because
you are the hermit

who lives in the cave
and gobbles up wisdom.

That is why.

So, what am I, Yoda?

Hey, Jackie, Coop found my ring.

I'm glad to hear it.

Hey, Jackie, I just
want to say it again.

I'm sorry if I made
things worse.

Yeah, don't worry
about it, Eddie.

What should we have for dinner?

SpaghettiOs.

This is Jackie.

Okay.

Now he's suing
me for child support.

And the house, he
wants to take my house.

I'll get you the best
lawyer in the world.

That jacket's Chanel.

You should definitely take
it. Your lawyer will love it.

He's gonna say
I'm an unfit mother.

Well, you're not.

See? Look how
great your legs look.

He's got receipts.
He's got rehab.

He's got a list of
everything I took.

I work 60 hours a week.

I'm a drug addict. I'm around
drugs for 60 hours a week. Come on.

I had an affair.

So did he.

Mine lasted four years.

He's a perfect
husband, perfect father.

He looks good, I
look bad, end of story.

I could punch you in the face and
take Polaroids to bolster your case.

You're sweet to offer.

By the way, nothing started
going bad until after I got sober.

I'm just saying.

That's not true.

I was afraid to go home tonight.

Yeah, so was I.

Cooking dinner on a hot plate,

surrounded by
half a million dollars'

worth of shoes I
can't even wear,

Coop circling my unborn baby.

What's more
frightening than that?

Zoey in my kitchen stirring
SpaghettiOs in a kimono.

And this.

If I'd gone home, I would
have ground it and snorted it

before I got through
the front door.

So let's swap.

Virgin Mary and a little Chanel

in exchange for a Roxy.

No, I'd rather have the pill.

It's a good one.

What if I throw in the shoes?

Okay.