Nurse Jackie (2009–2015): Season 4, Episode 7 - Day of the Iguana - full transcript

Previously on Nurse Jackie...

Lenny slid the ring on.

Maybe Lenny's not the one.

I have a present.

You're not related
to him in any way.

Steer clear of my bloodline.

Jackie was fucking me.

He was in here. He was making
a list of the shit that you were on.

He what?

You've been served.

He is suing for custody.



Dr. Cooper, you are
a great-looking guy.

Girls are gonna be
lining up to date you.

But I don't want to be with
them. I want to be with you.

I can't be with you or anyone
until I've been on my own.

I have to build a life
for myself, otherwise

I won't have a life to share
with you or anyone else.

Hold on. "Build a life."

I am not a good breaker-upper.

You said he's not the one,
so you have to let him go.

Whoa, that hurt.

But I am totally fine.

That was good. You're good.

It's an art form.

I've been dumped 1,000 times. That
was easily top 10. Maybe top three.



Weird. As soon as he
proposed, I knew it was over.

Now every day I wear the ring feels
like some big fat lie right on my finger.

Well, don't wait. Cricket
waited and I got left at the altar.

Not cool.

Anyone seen Jackie?

I think she's at a meeting.

Not like a "meeting,"
but like a meeting.

When she decides to show
up, tell her I want to see her.

And you're still
doing that thing.

What thing?

You know that thing you do.

You're doing the right thing.

You okay?

I'm all right.

Eleanor? Laurel.

Spanx are a fucking miracle
until they go rogue on you.

You must be Jackie Peyton.

Laurel Vargas. Let's
get you divorced.

Gotta admit, I'm a little
nervous. It's my first divorce.

Yeah, well, it's my 211th,
so you're in good hands.

Been doing this a long time?

Even the small
talk's $750 an hour,

how about we stick
to your divorce?

It's gonna be an uphill battle.

Rehab, chronic infidelity,
60-hour work weeks.

I'm a nurse. Those
are the hours.

Just out of treatment,
working around narcotics.

The judge is gonna look at that,

you know what he's gonna say?

"Hang around the
barbershop long enough,

"you're bound to get a haircut."

I am totally committed
to my sobriety.

It's a little late to the party.

I got there when I got
there. Not good enough.

We need to improve your profile.

You need to go to as many
AA meetings as possible,

and you need to get
them documented.

Every meeting you
go to, you get it signed.

And you need to get character
references from powerful people.

Not rinky-dink nurses or
your friends from the book club.

I'm talking doctors,
bigwigs, mayors.

Pull out all the stops.

Astronauts.

$750.

Now at the same time
that we are building you up,

we need to demonstrate
that Kevin is an unfit custodian.

Well, he's great with the kids.

Yeah, and every
kind word on his behalf

is a week without
your kids. You got it?

Yes.

You want your kids or not?

You want to keep the house?

Okay, then does
your husband have

a problem with drugs or alcohol?

No.

Money issues?

No. He's asking for
child support, so yes.

No, he's not broke.
He owns a bar.

A bar? I can't think of a
worse environment for a kid.

See how that works?

How about a history of violence?

Violence, like
does he hit me? No.

That's not what she asked.

Come on, work with
me. A history of violence.

Ripping kids away from
their mother, violent.

Maybe there's more
where that came from.

No, you're making him sound
like a monster and he's not.

You think he's not doing
the same thing about you?

Mmm.

Think hard.

Va-va-va-voom!

Holy shit. Check you out.

Go ahead, get it
out of your system.

You look so pretty.

Damn, get it, girl.

Cruz is looking for you. But
be careful, he's being prickly.

Whoa.

You clean up nice.

Need you in trauma half
an hour ago. You're late.

I had a meeting with my
divorce lawyer that ran late.

You didn't clear it with me.

I was supposed to
be out of there but...

You were supposed to be here.

I don't know if you think there
are two separate set of rules.

You okay?

Allergies, pollen, hay fever.

Not that time of year. Asthma?

Did I leave my
stethoscope in there?

No.

Are you sure?

I understand,
Dr. Cruz, you're right.

I should have called. I'm sorry.

You okay?

Stress. Hard on my chest.

Breathe through your nose.

Almost there.

Take your time.

Here's the deal. That
back there? Family stuff.

Family can't get
in the way of work.

If I'm focused on my kid,
I'm not focused on my work.

Home is home. Work is work.
Keep the boundaries clean.

I get it.

And thanks for that, by the way.

Yeah, you owe
me one. No, I don't.

That works, too.

I need your help with a
non-emergent cardiology patient.

What's up? Old
friend, Dick Babbit.

Used to work here.
In for an angioplasty.

His daughter called
and asked if I'd keep

an eye on him
till she gets here.

Apparently, he's got dementia.

Oh, that's rough.

She's afraid he's gonna wander
off. Such a shame. Smart as a whip.

First male nurse, big man on
campus. Girls were nuts about him.

Yeah? Yeah, back in
19... Hmm-hmm-hmm.

This place was crawling
with Ivy Leaguers.

Most of the nurses were Upper
East Siders looking to get married.

Not me, though. I was
here to work. Same as Dick.

God, it was fun.

You guys an item?

He was always a gentleman.

Gloria.

Well, I can't deny there
was a certain electricity.

Why are we on maternity?

Dick?

Oh, good morning, Gloria.

Let's get you a robe.

Where's my uniform?

Dick, you know
we're at All Saints.

Of course, we're at All Saints.

Has no one told you
that you're a patient?

Pardon me?

Can you tell me what year it is?

1974. I think.

Mmm.

Let me check my checkbook.

Do we even tell him?

He's got people telling him
he's wrong 24 hours a day.

Let's not be them.

Nurse for a day. 1974.

Much less likely to wander away.

We'll keep him down here
till his daughter arrives.

Someone will have to be with
him at all times. Spread the word.

Consider it spread.

Dick, any chance you
could jump in, ride shotgun?

What do you think
I'm here for? Of course.

Oh, by the way, did you
get home all right last night?

I made a fondue. We
had Harvey Wallbangers.

We watched Love, American Style.

And I said I was
gonna walk you home.

You know what? I took a cab. Oh.

I'm gonna go get you a
fresh uniform. Back in a flash.

Ooh! Foxy lady.

Yes, all right, then. Sam. Sam.

Yo. Meet Dick.

He's gonna be on
the floor with us today.

You are not to let
him out of your sight.

Okay. Welcome. How
you doing? How do you do?

Sam, I need you
to do me a favor.

Can you hop on
this trauma for me?

If I stand next to Lenny, he'll
totally pick up on my break-up vibes.

No, he won't. Yes, he will.

Even my body language sucks at
lying. Don't think I'm a bad person.

Dick.

Let's go.

Hey, meet Dave Tyler. Teaches
science down at Stuyvesant.

Fell off a chair. Twisted
his ankle. Might be sprained.

Probably not.

Can you tell me what
happened, Mr. Tyler?

So embarrassed. I was
standing on my desk chair,

putting the class iguana
back on the shelf and I fell.

Can you follow my
finger, Mr. Tyler?

Call me Dave.
Honestly, guys, I'm fine.

Principal has to call an
ambulance. It's in the manual.

Skittish about lawsuits?

Clean bill of health will
get you back to your class.

Like I'd ever sue my
school. I'm the cool guy.

The play-Floyd-on
my ukulele guy. Nice.

Thor, let's get Dave 5
milligrams of morphine.

No, thanks, really.

On my count. One, two, three.

Oh, shit!

What did you do? Sam.

Dude, it's your gurney.

I'm fine. It's okay.
No, I'm good.

It's your fucking ER.

Why you always gotta
come at me with that?

No fighting! Quiet!

Thank you. Board and collar.

I'm good.

Just hang on.

Oops. Nope, it hurts to breathe.

Ribs could be broken.
Could have punctured a lung.

Let's get him upstairs for
a scan, head of the line.

Flag on the play, bleeding.

Shit, you guys.
Let's go, let's go.

Easy, easy.

How we doing, Dave?

Kind of want that morphine now.

Up, and don't
drop him this time.

What the hell are we doing?

Do you see any spots,
floaters or tracers?

Maybe. I mean, you got a
light shining right in my face.

Look left. Now a
little to your right.

Z-Pak.

Are you two playing doctor?

No fucking clue.

I'm not so sure Kevin
didn't detach Eddie's retina.

Do not start making
shit up. I'm not doing this.

You sit down. I'm
not making shit up.

His retina is partially
detached. See for yourself.

It does seem a little blurry.

Great. We can add
that to the wreckage.

Look, it's gonna heal. I'm gonna
be fine. He's my friend, so...

Really? Kevin's your friend?
He beat the shit out of you, Eddie.

Whoa, whoa. I got in
a few licks of my own.

You slept with his wife.

Trust me, I'll tell you
now, you are dead to him.

He is not your friend, Eddie. If
anybody's your friend, it's Jackie.

I wouldn't go so
far as to say that.

Yeah, well, me neither.

Oh, for God's sake!

Think of the things you've
forgiven each other for. Honestly.

Your husband did
this to your friend.

Hmm? Show your lawyer.

Two adults for Serpico.

Thor, this is Dick.

This is Gloria's friend from
cardiology. I have to run out for an hour.

Nice to meet you.

Thor, is it? Yes.

He does not leave your side.

Loud and clear.

So how long have
you known Gloria?

Long enough to know you're
not her type. She likes pilots.

Good to know. Mmm-hmm.

They told me I'd never get
my real estate license back,

but that fire
didn't start itself.

You drag me to a
meeting on my birthday?

I'm 18. I should
be with strippers.

Just let me get this signed,
I'll take you out to lunch.

Shh!

You, shh!

But

with my meetings and
yoga practice, I mean, I...

I have days when
I still feel weak,

but that's why I come
see you guys, right?

Jesus Christ! Idiot.

Shit. What the fuck was that?

Hey, you two, out!

Moron.

I'm so sorry. Would you mind
signing this before I go? I just have to...

Out!

Damn it, Charlie. I
needed that signature.

Don't freak out, okay? There
was Vicodin in the smoothie.

Are you fucking kidding me?
Do not tell me that, Charlie.

You only took a sip. I didn't
realize that you'd even picked it up.

I wouldn't have let you,
I swear. God damn it.

Look, it's only one
sip. It's not gonna be...

God damn it! We're done!

Charlie, we are done.

I am trying to keep my kids.

I'm sorry.

I try to slip away
like I was never there.

That's not helpful. I'm
collecting break-up speeches.

My method is speechless.

Where is the ipecac?

What's the matter?
Somebody swallow poison?

Yep.

All clear!

We have a heartbeat.

And no broken ribs. Impressive.

Right? Thank you.

I don't think we've
met. Mike Cruz.

Oh, my God, where are my
manners? Dick Babbit from cardiology.

Nice to meet you. Likewise.

I'll leave you two
to get him upstairs.

And, Dick, you need an ID badge.

Whoa, indeed I do.

That tie is a little
narrow. Don't you think?

Wouldn't wider be better?

Wider is always better. Hmm.

I'll be in surgery.

Wait, Dick.

Sorry, kids keep texting,
making sure I'm okay.

"Save Tyler!"

And we're done.

How bad does it look?

You realize I stand with my back

to a room full of
seventh graders.

Stitches make you cooler.
Satisfaction or your money back.

I kind of think it
should be on the house.

I mean, you did drop me.

Dr. Cooper, a moment, please.

Is that the guy they
dropped? Yeah.

Did I hear you talking
about treating him for free?

He brought it up, not me.

You are in no way to acknowledge

that he was dropped.
Are we clear?

Okay, but he's not
a lawsuit kind of guy.

I'm sure his
lawyer is. Back to it.

And, Coop. Yeah?

Ease up on the buddy-buddy.

You and your pathological need
to be liked are gonna get us sued.

Shut it down. Stitch
him up and cut him loose.

Is he giving you shit
about dropping me?

Nah, just my boss being bossy.

Listen up.

Regarding the gurney transfer,

there is to be no talk
of EMTs versus nurses.

Babbit, quit futzing.

I'm trying to straighten
up for the night shift.

Sit!

No one is to use words like
"accident," "mistake" or "blame."

You think before you
speak. Am I clear?

Sure.

Yes, sir. Mmm-hmm.

Okay, he basically
wants us to lie.

That doesn't bother you guys?

Yeah. Nope.

Not especially.

Whatever happened
to telling the truth?

The truth shall set you free.

Little hypocritical,
don't you think?

Exactly. Thank you.

I mean you.

Don't you have a certain
someone to set free with the truth?

Yes, I do. Crap!

Lenny, you're a
great-looking guy.

Oh.

Good.

Hold on. Do-over.

Lenny, I've never
been to Paris by myself.

I can't be with you until
I be with me. Wait, no.

Shit.

I hope Zales gives refunds.

I can go with you.

I'll do it alone.

You go to Paris
and I'll go to Zales.

Wow. Stitches. Took a spill?

No, I was dropped. And stop
manipulating the language.

Wow. Okay.

Jackie, you may want to
look at the catheter in three.

I'll handle it.

Handle what?

You guys dropped
me, that's what.

Why can't anyone
say, "I'm sorry"?

Jackie, a word.

There was an incident in trauma.

Hey, hey! What did I say?
Why are we talking about this?

I wasn't here. I'm sorry.

No apologies, not to him,
not to me. Just do your jobs.

How's it going?
Oh, that looks better.

What's with you people?

I think we're a little
bit off our game.

We dropped you, and I
think it probably scared us.

Well, it scared me more.

Of course it did. We're
terribly embarrassed.

On behalf of everyone, I
hope you'll accept our apology.

Thank you.

Let's get him dressed,
let's put him in a cab.

Excuse me. Are you Gloria?

And you must be Arden.

Hi, Arden Babbit. I'm Dick's
daughter. Thanks for looking after him.

Ever since the dementia,
it's like babysitting.

What the hell?

Give me a second.

Hey, hey, hey. Dick, stop.
Let's let Mr. Tyler rest?

I don't need rest. I needed
an apology, and I got one.

The thing is he's not actually
on staff. So anything he said...

Dude, he's the only one
here with enough brains

to know that if
you drop somebody

on their head, you
say, "I'm sorry."

Hey, Daddy.

Arden. Darling.

This is Mr. Tyler.
He's a science teacher.

Hi, nice to meet you.
Your dad is a good nurse.

I could have sued you.

That's fair.

Stop buying gifts.

Wrong color? I
saved the receipts.

Look, Coop.

I've chosen to do
this on my own,

which means exactly
that, on my own.

No husband, no wife.

If I'd wanted a
partner, I'd have one.

That's not what I want.

Well, then what is it?

To be part of the village.

Coop, there is no village.

Not now, but just watch.

There'll be night
nurses and nannies

and tutors and
lots of other people.

Someone calls in
sick, pick up the phone.

Someone doesn't
show up, I'll be there.

Coop, I just...

Also, you might
need some alone time.

I mean, seriously, I was raised in
Manhattan. I know all the fun places.

If I can help, let me help.

I'll keep this one, you
take the other one.

That's all for now.

Alone time. Got it.

It's like you were
here yesterday.

Hmm.

No, I was. You were.

You know, Gloria,
I'm not a betting man,

but I will put money on you're
getting a promotion real soon.

Mmm-hmm.

Just keep doing what you do.

Will do.

See you tomorrow.

See you tomorrow.

Do you got a minute?
Sure, come on in.

Um...

I'm sorry, this is hard for me.

I need to ask a favor.

How big? It's big.

Shoot.

My divorce lawyer needs
character references.

And you want me to write one.

Look, my husband is
trying to take my kids,

and I know I shouldn't ask,
but I also know it's a long shot

'cause custody is usually
granted to the mom, but I...

Couple things,

we don't have a work
history, and your file

is empty.

So do I know you? Not really.

And second of all,
it's not a long shot.

Okay, I went for sole
custody, and I got it.

So here's what we're gonna
do. I'm gonna take a leap of faith.

You're a good nurse.
You love your kids.

I'll put it in writing,

put it on some
Quantum Bay letterhead.

We'll scare the shit
out of them. How's that?

You're a good guy.

I have a couple of
ex-wives who beg to differ.

Shit.

Lawyer?

Nah, it's my kid.
I'll call her back.

As your boss and your character
witness, I insist you take that call.

Hello. CHARLIE:
Please don't hang up.

Listen, honey, I cannot have you in
my life. I am hanging on by a thread.

I get it, I swear.
You can hate me.

No, I don't hate you.

It's okay if you do.

And I promise, you never have to
see me again, but I need a favor.

Come on, haven't you
ever needed a favor?

You'd think they'd
have a sense of humor.

They're cops, Charlie.

Okay, subway cops are not cops.

I think you just
learned that they are.

Be nice. This is my birthday.

Yeah, welcome to 18, right? You
get one phone call, and they set bail.

This shit stopped being cute
really fast. Okay, hold on. Fuck.

Great.

Oh!

Fucking thought
I was gonna hurl.

You should have
called your father.

You're gonna text him right now

and let him know
what's going on.

And I want to see a
confirmation when you're done.

Right now.

Charlie, where is your phone?

Here.

Oh, for God's sake.

Okay. "I was arrested

"and

"someone from rehab
is taking me home.

"I am safe."

You can go home if you want.

Not a chance. I'll wait
until your father gets here.

Buzz kill.

Easy.

Not on your back.

There you go.

Charlie.

Wait, you're the
friend from rehab?