Nurse Jackie (2009–2015): Season 3, Episode 9 - Have You Met Ms. Jones? - full transcript

Previously on Nurse Jackie...

Can I get a hug?

Sorry, fresh out.

After work, come by my place,

I'll see if I can't scrounge
something up for you.

Feel like doing me a favor

and bringing this up to the
thieves in oncology for me?

Sure, no problem.

Appreciate it.

Pharmacy guy asked me
to bring this up to them.

I'll tell you what. You go
change my catheter in six,



I'll bring this up to
oncology for pharmacy guy.

Yeah? Yeah.

You gave Kelly
Saturday off? Really?

That's bullshit.

This is gonna crush morale.

I'm sorry, Jackie. I think Mr. Slater
has done wonders for morale.

Your mother and I
are getting a divorce.

And I was starting to feel
like it might be okay again.

We're okay, Kevin. It is okay.

It is okay. We're okay.

Home sweet home.

Which floor is yours?

All of them.

Wow. Well done, you.



That's right, isn't
it? "Well done, you?"

Absolutely. Well done, me.

Ugh. My head is killing me.
You don't have anything, do you?

No, nothing fancy. I'm
talking about over-the-counter.

Aspirin. Have any aspirin?

Ah.

Yes? God bless you.

Thanks.

Oh. There's only six.

What? It's ibuprofen.

I have a really big headache.

Nobody needs six.

Okay, fine.

You're either with me or
against me. That's all I'm saying.

Oh, for God's sake.

Bottoms up.

Come on.

Truck comes out of
nowhere, bam, you're dead.

What is that? Why
bother getting sober?

I've seen more
junkies hit by shit

than sober people.
That's all I'm saying.

And I'm saying if I'm gonna get
run over, I'd rather be fucked up.

Who's fucked up?

One of his AA guys is dead.

Hey, Jackie, you remember
Bill. He's fucking dead.

Wow. I'm sorry to hear that.

Yeah, he sponsored 50 people.

They're gonna be wrecked, man.
He was their lifeline, you know?

I know.

You're a little shvitzy.
Did you jog to work?

I rode my bike.

Hey, what kind of bike you got?

A magic bike.

Why is there champagne
in the insulin fridge?

If you're looking for Jackie...
- I'm not.

Yo, new guy, Kelly.

I need to see you
in the pharmacy.

Can it wait a sec?

Did I say, "I want to see
you," or, "Need to see you?"

First things first, I'm not
accusing anyone of anything.

It doesn't sound that way.

Look, I've dealt with my fair
share of strung out RNs before.

And that's unfortunate, but I got a
pre-teen with a broken collarbone

waiting for a pudding cup, so...

And you know what I got?

I got enough narcotics in
here to put the whole world

into a nice, warm coma
for a week. That's a fact.

It's what you signed up for.
You're the pharmacist. Step aside.

I sent you up to oncology
with 40 fentanyl patches.

Only 30 got there.

Fuck. Yeah, fuck.

And I'm fucking Einstein when it
comes to squaring up my inventory.

But fentanyl,
morphine, Dilaudid...

Yeah, I know. I get it.

And I don't answer to Gloria
fucking Akalitus on the schedule ones.

I answer to the state.

No, I know.

Look, I got lazy and I
handed them off to...

I don't wanna know.
I gave them to you.

Make it right.

Yeah, definitely.

Your fingerprints won't be
anywhere near this. I'll fix it.

Yeah, you will.

You have my word.

All right.

Dudeville. Population,
three. Booyah!

Yeah, well, Kelly's got some
business to take care of. So...

Dudeville. Population, two.

Listen, I got a lot going on,
so whatever it is, make it fast.

She's pretty, right?

What are you, creeping
on Facebook now?

And what do you care
if I think she's pretty?

She's gonna be my wife, Eddie.

My old family failed, so
I'm starting a new one.

Woke up, logged on, started
looking up old girlfriends. Boom.

She's the one. Went out with
her for a year in high school.

Still single. Doesn't
mean she's not a catch.

Look at me. Total
catch, still single.

We're looking for you.

Coop's wife, Facebook.

I'm dying to hear about it. We've
got a girl who needs stitches.

Can't O'Hara...
A forehead, Coop.

Tiny stitches. Go be a hero. Go.

Dudeville. Population... Stop!

Seventh floor. HR?

Yeah. Just crossing
my T's, dotting my I's.

Good Lord, where have
you been all my life?

Listen, if I can find
the money, would you

be interested in
staying on full-time?

I go where I am needed.

We need you!

It was like 4:00 in the
morning and we were all tired.

The groom was
getting his table dance...

At the wedding?

Who gets a table
dance at their wedding?

Pay attention.

How would I know? I
don't go to weddings.

I think people
forget to invite me.

Sorry, I was at
a bachelor party.

Tagged along when
I shouldn't have.

I do that all the time.

Not bachelor parties.
Never been to one.

They're not so great.
I mean look at me.

I came all the way from Boston.

I'm sitting in a club, and
Cheyenne, or whatever her name is,

swings her leg and, bam, nails
me in the head with her 4" heel.

Now I'm probably
gonna have a scar

and I'm gonna
have to wear a cast.

So, believe me, you're
not missing much.

Yeah, I am. I'm missing a lot.

There's a hole in my life.

When I take a step back and
look at it, it's in the shape of a wife.

I'm thinking it's gonna be
this girl from high school.

I'm gonna ask her to marry me.

Hold still. This
might pinch a little.

I know everyone around
here is gonna think

I'm an idiot for moving so fast,

but they don't know
what it's like having

everything and nothing
at the same time.

Yeah. No, I get it.

She must be psyched. A handsome
doctor. Jeez. Jackpot, right?

So how fast are you moving?

That's the best part. She
doesn't even know I'm a doctor.

I haven't talked
to her in 20 years.

Just picked her out on
Facebook this morning.

Here, wanna see a pic?

Look. Imagine the
Christmas card. Hot.

Oh, my God. I just let
you sew my face up.

And you'll be glad
you did. Here, look.

Stop telling me
to look at things.

X-ray's ready for the wrist.

Let's go.

Come on, I worked really
hard on that. You should look.

Listen, this is not
what it looks like.

Eddie's on point. He
runs a tight ship, 100%.

You do understand that
inventory can be manipulated, yes?

I do, but that's not...

Did you open the
bag and count them?

No, man, I didn't.

But if he says there were 40, I'm
sure there were 40. This is all on me.

We're talking about a fireable
offense for you, Mr. Slater.

No, not without a probationary
period and a urine test,

both of which I'm happy to
comply with. I have nothing to hide.

It doesn't change the fact

that you broke the chain of
custody during an inter-pharmacy run.

On my first or second
day? Come on, man.

Look, if I could tell you who I
handed them off to, I would tell you.

Do you recall if it
was man or woman?

I don't.

I don't even know if it
was a nurse or a doctor.

That's how big of
a blur it was for me.

Look, I didn't know
my way around,

so I handed them off to someone.

That's all I can tell you.

It might've been a guy.

Well, I appreciate you coming by

and owning up to
your part in the matter.

Yeah, let me know if
there's anything else I can do.

You got a bag?

No bag.

You been outside? It's nice out.

Not doing so good, huh?

I'm doing great.

True or False. Everyone
makes mistakes?

Body language. Not even
acknowledging my presence.

Which means she's
either, A, scared of you,

or B, lulling you into a
false sense of security

so she can kill you
and eat you for lunch.

Or C, I am saving the
chit-chat for the patients.

Well, hello. Nice to meet
you. I am your patient.

Not even two seconds
ago, I reached into my kit

and stuck myself with an Epi.

What? Why is it
still in your finger?

I wanted to show it
to you. Jesus Christ.

Lenny, you have epinephrine
flowing into your heart.

Hi, Boo.

You did not. Why?

What do you mean,
"Why"? It wasn't intentional.

Okay, now I'm feeling dizzy.

Yeah, sit.

Oh, fuck, my heart.

If you go into cardiac
arrest, I will kill you.

Zoey.

You're gonna be fine. We're
just gonna put you on the monitor,

keep an eye on you
for about four hours.

If you need anything
we'll be right here.

Zoey, get the leads, please?

You're a very soothing nurse.

Yes.

Oh, your hands
are clammy, though.

My hands are not clammy.
Your senses are all fucked up.

Keep your
observations to yourself.

Oh! That's the Jackie
I know and love.

Had to see for myself.
Lenny, Lenny, Lenny.

You okay? No.

Me? Yeah, I'm fine. Why?

Oh.

Here you go, Jackie.

It's all yours.
Thor, my kid's sick.

I think I might have caught it.

Do me a favor? Can
you go to Duane Reade

and pick me up some antihistamines
and cough syrup, Robo DXM?

Ooh. Careful with the DXM.

I double-dosed for a nasty
cough, started to hear angels.

Anything else?

New feet.

Hey, is it cool with you
if I take off for a little bit?

Yeah, sure, let's all take off.

No, seriously.

I wanna hit Bill's memorial
service. Only about an hour.

Sam, it's not a good
time to be off the floor.

You know what? Fine, go. Do
me a favor? Go to Duane Reade,

pick me up some NoDoz?
The newsstand is out of it.

I was up all night
with a sick kid.

Sure.

Hot, right?

Make good-looking
kids, don't you think?

You might want to let her
accept your friend request

before you start naming them.

Stop! Tell me you
didn't buy a Rolex.

Dude, I'm a doctor.

Shouldn't you be saving your
money for an engagement ring?

That's what I'm gonna use
my fantasy football money for.

Cooper Duper's
still on top, right?

Yes, but wow.

Paying for an engagement ring with
money you make from fantasy football.

Doesn't get much
straighter than that.

No, it doesn't.

Oh, my God, she just
accepted my friend request.

It is so on.

An hour on Craigslist, really?

Are you sure you wanna sell it?

It's a great pinball machine,
but she offered me cash.

And nobody really plays anymore.

The bells bother Grace.
I feel like times are tight.

You know? So I'll take
it out to her in Montauk

and grab a bite and head back.

Montauk? Well,
that's kind of a haul.

Maybe we should call Tunie,
see if she can watch the girls.

All right. Let me
get into it, okay?

Love you. All right.
Love you back.

Father and son,
dislocated shoulders.

A sale or something?
A little two-for-one? Or...

Yeah, you're about as
funny as a box of orphans.

I try.

Yeah? Well, try harder.

Dad. What?

She comes in,
makes a stupid crack.

Gentlemen, we have two options.

The first is to sedate you both,

put the shoulders back in place,

in which case you'll stay here
until the sedative wears off.

Yeah, no. We're
not sticking around.

I gotta meet my
parole officer at 5:00.

All right, a second option is to
give you both a local, say, Novocain.

So stop talking and do it.

You could at
least let her finish.

Will you shut the fuck up, huh?

Whoa. Watch yourself.

He just got out of prison.

He's got a mouth on him, I know.

Is that your father?

Father-in-law.

We were living in the
house while he was away,

taking care of Frankie's mom.

Came back to get our flat screen

and he lost his shit on Frankie.

Let's get you guys out of here.

What are you telling
her out there, huh?

You're talking about
the fucking TV again?

I bought it so I
could watch the Jets.

It was a gift.

You're a fucking Indian giver.

Let's get Kelly in here.

Ortho's on its way. Try
not to break anything else.

Makes me want to call my
own father and tell him I love him.

By which, I mean, ask him what he's
reading and find out how the dogs are.

Listen, I'm sorry. I just...

I know he seems bad, but he's
just from a different generation.

Really? I mean
he looks about 50.

No, you know what I mean.

No, I'm afraid I don't.

Please, anything
that you could do

to speed this up
would be amazing.

If he misses his parole
officer, they'll send him back.

Look, All Saints
will call whoever

and tell them he's
in the hospital.

It happens every day.

He broke my nose once
and I'm not even related.

Can we please just
try and not piss him off?

Yeah, got it.

See? Your heart rate went up.

So?

Wait. What are you doing?

Lie detector.

Oh. Have at it, Barkow.

I'm an open book.

Are you interested in
seeing other people?

No.

Good answer. Yeah.

Do you have, like,
crazy credit card debt

or an ex-wife
buried in your yard

or anything weird that
you haven't told me about?

Nope. I don't even
like to carry a balance.

Uh-huh? Mmm.

Who did you vote for in
the last presidential election?

Oh, my God, are you...

No. No. No. I just...
It's not what you think.

I just can't even
remember who ran.

Did you even vote? I
tried to, but then I was...

Everything okay?

Yeah, we're good, bordering
on awesome at this point.

Ortho's got your father and
son. The old man's a prick.

You done?

Oh, my God.

You have a crush on Jackie.

I do not!

No.

She just scares me a little.

Okay, a lot. Kinda like
walking into a buzz saw.

I think she's inspiring.

She is.

But sometimes,
she inspires fear.

I know.

Four messages already. And
we have the same favorite book.

Yeah. I hate to kill the vibe, but
lots of people liked The Kite Runner.

I asked her out.
She said, "Yes."

Well, it's a good idea to take
her out before you marry her.

I went out with her for a year.

When you were 16.

Coop, just don't get
your hopes up, okay?

I finally get a glimmer of hope,

and everyone
keeps messing with it.

- Quit messing with my glimmer.
- Whoa.

What? What's up?

A patient wants to be my friend.

Wow. That's weird.

Very.

Here you go. Thank you.

Man, I thought I missed you.

I wanted to accept your
friend request in person.

I accept.

Oh, my God. I sent that,
like, two minutes ago.

I move fast. I know.

And if it freaks
people out, so what?

And, I'm sorry that I didn't
look when you asked me to.

That was really rude of me.

What you did was
amazing, so thanks.

It's a gift.

What can I say?

I'm looking forward
to your Christmas card.

Hey, thanks for being my friend.

Yeah.

Thanks for letting me
go. Here's your NoDoz.

No problem.

So Lenny stuck
himself with an Epi.

Bet that was a rush.

Yeah, I bet it was.

Do me a favor? Can you check
on O'Hara's dislocated shoulders?

Sure. Watch out, man.

That guy's a racist.

You know what? I'll do it.

Yeah?

Yeah. Thanks anyway.
My patient. I'll handle it.

I wasn't lying. I
do like your mom,

but going over
there freaks me out.

She's a hoarder, Boo.

She's not a hoarder.
She's an enthusiast.

Less than an hour left, Lenny.

Do you have any more Epis?

Yeah, check my kit.

Because you have to like my mom.

Got it. Thanks.

I do like your mom.

But you have to admit,
she looks at me kinda weird.

That's just how her face is!

That doesn't even make sense.

I did a bad thing
and I need your help.

How bad?

I stuck Anthony
Murphy with an Epi.

He thought it was
another Novocain.

He'll be fine. We just
can't let him leave.

As a private
citizen, I'm delighted.

As a medical professional,
I'm absolutely appalled.

Well done and shame on you.

Shall we?

Is he gonna be okay?

What the fuck is
happening to me?

You're on the verge of a
heart attack, Mr. Murphy.

Is there a history of heart
disease in the family, do you know?

He doesn't know fuck all.

Go outside and get
a car. Wait for me.

Go in my wallet, get
my parole officer's card.

Tell him I'm on
my way. I gotta go.

If you leave, there's
an enormous possibility

that you will go into cardiac
arrest and you will die.

Here. Let me call him.
There's nothing better

than a call from
the ER. Trust me.

Fuck.

All right.

She looks nice.

Mmm-hmm.

You gonna take it
slow like me and Zoey?

No, taking it fast like a ninja.

Ah.

I wanna be more than the guy with
the tics whose moms got divorced.

Not a lot to ask.

She's my ticket to more, Lenny.

Right on.

Whoa. Check out
the crush on Zoey.

I know. Stop.

All day, every
time she walks in.

Stop.

Time's up. Coop'll unhook you.

Dude, that's like having a
boner on the diving board.

Pretty much.

Here's to the illegal
detention of a bully

and the closing of my townhouse.

Mmm!

Did you call his parole officer?

No. None for me, thanks.

What? You're joking.

No, I'm staying away
from the hard stuff.

But this is the soft, lovely,
bubbly stuff. Come on.

I've gone 37 hours with no
Percocet, no Vicodin, no oxy.

And you're miserable.

Thirty-seven hours, 37 hours.

How the fuck am I
gonna make it to 38?

Anything I can do?

No.

You want me to stick around so
you're not drinking by yourself?

Oh, please, I do it all
the time. Sport of kings.

Go, leave me to my bubbly.

Jacks, I can get my car to
take you home if you'd like.

No, thanks. I'm good.

Cheers.

Jackie Peyton. Yeah.
Yeah, I can hold.

Do you mind? I'm
sorry. My cell died.

No.

So tell me about Kelly.

I don't know, what's to tell?

Yeah. Hi, Tunie.

Listen, I know it's
very last minute,

but I'm wondering if you
can keep the girls tonight.

Kev's still in Montauk
and I gotta work a double.

Yeah? Great. Okay, thanks. Bye.

You're not working a double.

No.

I need a night alone. No husband,
no kids, no nothing. Just, you know,

a cigarette and a hot bath.

You want a ride?

No, I'm good.

For the record, I'm
clean for a week.

Hey, how's that going?

I, uh...

I miss the rush, Eddie.

I really miss it.

Are you fucking nuts?

Bet your ass I am.