Nurse Jackie (2009–2015): Season 3, Episode 4 - Mitten - full transcript

Previously on Nurse Jackie...

Does anyone know what gets Michelle
Obama out of bed in the morning?

Fat kids!

Kevin told me everything.
What did he tell you?

He told me that he and that snotty doctor
you work with did an intervention on you.

You're not still mad at
me, are you? God, no.

I can't stand when you
take me off the shelf like this.

You throw me this
crumb and I'm hooked.

Aunt Tunie is going to stay
with us for a couple of weeks.

Weeks? You're
good with that, right?

I saw your friend
Eddie at work today.



Thanks again. Yeah.

Eddie, that's the one you
want me to go out with, right?

Just a thought. The
last one broke his heart.

Grace is good. Has Fiona
charmed every last nun?

Yes, she would sleep
in that uniform if I let her.

We already have Kevin's sister
passing out in her clothes at the house.

She's staying with you? Yeah.

I think Kevin installed
her to keep an eye on me.

Really. Yeah.

I wish she was a little more cop, a
little less drunken teenage stepdaughter.

It'd be a little easier.

Speaking of authority figures,

Akalitus has offered me
chief of the ER. In title only.

Wow, that sounds nice.



Mmm, no. Don't do empty titles.

My uncle was an
earl. It ruined him.

So are you... You
still looking? No, no.

Hostile patients, terrible
hours... How could I ever leave?

Can I get that in writing?

Do you want me to renegotiate
my contract right now?

Umm... Yeah, I do.

Give me that.

Look, I don't want to go back
down the rabbit hole again,

so just promise me next time you
go on the attack, take better aim.

I hear you.

Really? Really?

Excuse me, how do you
fuck up a chicken Caesar?

It's not a rhetorical
question, cupcake.

Tell me. Leave it alone.

I'm sorry. I can just take it back.
- Do you see any chicken?

Why don't you go get your
manager before I lose my shit?

You want another
beer or something?

Hi. You wanted to
see the manager?

Why are you wearing
a nurse's uniform?

I moonlight. What's the problem?

She screwed up my
order. Yeah, it happens.

Don't need to be an
asshole. Excuse me?

Is he a client? Yeah.

You think it's gonna impress him,
berating a 24-year-old waitress?

Is that how you do business?

You comfortable doing
business with an asshole?

No, actually. My
daughter's a waitress.

Oh. You might want to apologize.

You might want to apologize.

I am sorry. No,
not to him, to her.

I'm sorry.

Get him his chicken, Janine.

I am your manager. He said he
was sorry. Get him his chicken.

Your lunch is on me.
Your friend is awesome.

Oh, I have missed you and
the havoc that you wreak.

I had two rabies, one infant
fever and eight suture removals.

Did I tell you this is my
first double? Yes, you did.

Do you need to use the bathroom?

No, I have a pedometer
now. Every step counts.

You have walked 5.3 miles.

Look at this.

Bellevue already
kicked off a campaign.

All of those kids are fat.

That one looks really sad.

Oh, no, I'm sad.

That ad is good.

March on, Miss Barkow.

Where did you get that?
Ripped it off the 6 train.

Wow, Gloria, that's effective.

I'm not handing over the
First Lady visit without a fight.

We've got to get out in front
of this. Fund-raising starts now.

Now? Uh...

I only have five bucks.
Every little bit helps.

Hello, chief. How are you
doing, chief? Would you stop it?

Urine behind you.
Urine. Sorry, chief.

Dude, I'm saying it's admirable.

Sorry, I wasn't
listening to you.

I was thinking about
this shirt I want.

I think I'm gonna buy it.

What?

I'm saying it's admirable
that you're comfortable

with Dr. O'Hara
being your superior.

Superior? In what way?

Seriously? Oh, you didn't hear.

Akalitus named
Dr. O'Hara chief of the ER.

No. No, no, no, no.

No. No way.

I would have heard about that.

Why? Because I'm a doctor.

She's a doctor. I
would know, okay?

Just like you know
all the nursey stuff.

Sorry.

Dude, what's up with the limp?

You want me to grab
you a wheelchair?

Happy first day at
work. Oh, yeah, big day.

Did you bring me a
card or something?

No, I couldn't quite
find the right one.

I brought you a helmet
for the ride home.

For... For the what?

On the bike to your home.

Kevin invited me over
for a celebratory barbecue.

He gets me a job.
He's making me a steak.

You better hope that
guy never leaves you.

Yeah, he's a keeper. Yeah.

So I'll... I'll pick you
up after your shift.

You were right. Now that
Kevin knows you work here,

things have gotten so
much more normal. Yeah.

What I want and
expect is your full support

and a list of potential donors.

And if I don't get that,

there will be a bunch
of obese children

standing outside
your door every day

until I get what I need.

Listen, Sister, you married God,

I married this job!

I'm throwing my hat
in the ring. Look out.

What hat? Come on, Gloria.

"Chief of the ER" is not a title
you hand out like a stick of gum.

Hold. I have many
qualifications.

One, my gift for tiny stitches.

Two, popular among
the staff. You're not.

I've had lunch with almost
everyone who works here.

Popular among the staff. Hmm?

Three... Dr. Cooper,
nothing has been set in stone.

If you want chief so badly,
show me what you got.

Like a dance-off? Like overtime.

Or a dance-off.

Hi, honey. Barbecue
sounds great.

Let me know if you need me to pick
anything up on the way home, okay?

Love you. Bye. ETHAN: My
wife is having a fucking baby.

My wife is having a baby.

My wife is having
a fucking baby.

Okay, calm down,
sir. Maternity's on 6.

No, I know. She's up there.

It's me. I've been dry
heaving for two hours.

See, they can't treat me
upstairs because I'm not a patient,

so they sent me down here.

Oh, God, I'm gonna
miss everything.

Okay, you're having chest pains, okay?
That way we can get you in right away.

Chest pains. What's your name?

I'm Ethan Rizansky
and I have chest pains.

Follow me.

No, not this shit. We've
been waiting an hour.

My daughter's got asthma.
You got my name on that list?

Candace De La Brix.
Where's your daughter?

Right in front of you.
She can barely breathe.

I'm sorry, this man has chest
pains. He goes first. Come on.

The Zofran will take
the edge off the nausea.

The Valium drip will take
the edge off everything else.

Can you tell my...

Wow, that's amazing.
Yeah. It's the Valium.

I already called upstairs.

She's still on six centimeters,
so you might want to relax.

This is the easy part.

Two ETs, ten IVs, four piss
runs and a guy aspirated,

also known as vomited, all over
me, so I had to change my scrubs.

Are you comfortable? Yeah.

Are you on speed?

I am speed, motherfucker!
Yeah, we're going. Let's go.

You have walked 12,304 steps.

Thank you for bringing me here.

You're gonna have to learn to pace
yourself, Zoey, or you're gonna burn out.

And you will burn
out, I promise you.

Yeah.

I forgot how good these are.

Did you get married in a church?

We had a long,
hot afternoon mass.

I know that if I get married
I'm going to be a sweaty bride.

I think about that a lot.

It's not good.

You've got time.

Your pace has slowed.

Sorry.

Really?

Oh.

Sorry.

Keep moving. Sit down.

I can hear you breathing.

Um... What is that?

It's a fund-raising thermometer.

You should step back
and take a look at it.

Seriously, you don't
want that near your door.

Dear God! What is that?

It's an old-fashioned
thermometer.

I drew it myself.

Looks like an
old-fashioned willy.

I tried to tell you.

I don't see it.

Which reminds me,
Dr. Cooper has announced

his intention to compete
for the title of chief.

Announced to whom? Anyone.

How can he compete for a job
you've already offered to me?

He can't if you
accept the title.

Oh. You're relentless.
All right, fine, I accept,

but only so the crown
doesn't fall to Prince John.

He's working overtime
to prove himself,

so let's not make it
official till next week.

If I give you $1,000, will
you take that picture down?

No, but I will put your
name on it in gold marker.

And another thousand
to take my name off.

Lou Babiak, 50, passed out in
the lobby of the Time & Life Building.

Minor head trauma. Got contusions
on his forehead and cheek.

Pulse ox is holding at 90.

He's complaining
of blurred vision.

Lobby guard called it in.

My first job interview in months
and I pass out before I get up to HR.

I could have taken a cab here.

I'm way better than a cab.

This guy can drive.
I'll tell you what...

I never got out of
Midtown that fast.

Yeah, well, the siren helps.

Nice talking to you, man.

Could I get some help here?

I'll take it.

I'll take this.

Hello, where are
all the doctors?

Those shoes are hideous.

Did someone steal your
Italian penny loafers?

No. Hoops.

I trashed my instep driving the lane,
so I had to change up the footwear.

I'm a ferocious competitor,
as you will soon find out.

I'm not sure you
can compete for a job

that's actually been
offered to someone else.

Watch me. I am.

It's terribly sad.

Damn it, your office is bigger.
I can't believe it's bigger.

If I win chief, I
get your office.

Absolutely. It only
seems fair. Right?

I think I'll paint
it. Can I sit down?

Ooh! It must be a good one.

Come on, I'll race you for it.

Ten-second handicap
since you're gimpy.

Hey, dude, listen,
I'm in bad shape,

so I'm gonna tag you
and you're gonna run it in.

I have no idea what
you're talking about.

Just tell Jackie that you're me.

I answered the page
first and I win, okay?

All right, let me ask
you a question. Yeah.

Is it presumptuous to bring special
barbecue sauce to a barbecue?

I always bring dessert. Dessert.

Okay, I'm right behind you.

Hey, uh, Coop told me to tell
you I'm him and he got here first.

Where is he? He's on his
way. How are you doing?

So what kind of job
were you interviewing for?

Ad sales.

The only thing I ever
wanted to do was sales.

I don't think most people feel
that way about their line of work.

Yeah, I hear you. Mmm.

So you're hypertensive.

I was on Diamox, but I
decided to go cold turkey.

You can't do that,
Lou. It was working.

I was eating right.
I was exercising.

Acupressure, the whole thing.

You know, if you press right here between
your thumb and your pointer finger...

World peace.

You can't go holistic
on this one, Lou.

We're gonna write you a
new prescription for Diamox

and you're gonna
have to take it.

These are shot. Yeah. Yes.

You have good
eyesight? Yeah, I do.

But I'm doing that thing now
that everybody else does...

Woo-hoo.

Jackie, when you get a
minute, I need you in 1.

I need a cortisone shot.

I can't do it myself. I
know it's gonna hurt.

Are you kidding me? I
need to bring my A game.

I'm about to get a
promotion, a big step,

and I'm gonna remember
the people who got me there.

Stop talking. What happened?

I thrashed my
instep playing hoops.

I was down by eight
and I drove the lane.

You have a bunion. No, I don't.

Look, just do it. I
prepped it already.

My feet have been
killing me for ten years.

The guys in ortho are so
stingy with this cortisone.

How about you get
me one of these?

You're really gonna need to see
a doctor about something like that.

You're a big baby.

Hey! Uh, I know that smile.

That's the Valium grin.

How's the nausea? I
don't even remember it.

Ah. Good news. Great.

Let's get you up
to see your wife.

I'm not going back up there.

Sorry? I can't.

You know, it's perfectly
normal to be scared.

You know what's scary?

Watching my wife
scream for ten hours,

then shit right in front of me.

They tell you that might
happen, but you think,

"No, not her. Not my girl."

When I was born my
parents had a house.

I have an alcove studio

and about $1,000 in
my savings account.

What is that?

It's a start.

Come on, let's go.

I think I'm having chest
pains. No, you're not.

You can't kick me out. You're
supposed to take care of me.

Yes, I am.

I don't know what I'm doing.

Who does?

You know what I did last week
instead of putting together a crib?

I sent messages to all my
old girlfriends on Facebook.

Maternity.

I can't do it.

I'm sorry, can you two
indulge me just a moment?

I'm sorry.

Here, here, put
your head right here.

Inhale, okay?

This is what you're
gonna smell every time

you feel like you don't
know what you're doing.

You want to... Just smell.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

They all smell like that?

Well, there's only
one way to find out.

You got this.

You...

Thank you.

Are you taking him home?

Her, yes. Congratulations.

Did you bring the car seat?

Oh, fuck.

What did you think we
were gonna do, walk?

You're still here? I'm picking
up a few extra hours this week.

Bonus Coop. What
are you working on?

We're working on changing
our fantasy football team name

from Man Crush to Cooper Duper.

You like me better than
Dr. O'Hara, don't you?

You know, I'd like you a lot more
if you focused on your receivers.

Diamox for the
hypertensive salesman.

Everything else seemed fine.

Quite charming, really.

Lou, totally my favorite
patient this week.

Are you guys talking
about Lou? Yep.

No, do not take
him. He's injured.

Do you know
anything about football?

Okay, fine. You do it.

Who's Lou?

A patient.

No competition there.

He's so nice and he
walks every morning.

I gave him my
pedometer. Thank God.

That robot voice
was freaking me out.

Prescription, glasses.
Discharge him. I am going home.

I had dibs on that guy.

Hey.

For the barbecue.

Here.

You got to put your
arms around me.

I am never letting my girls
anywhere near one of those bikes.

Yeah.

But going over the
bridge... Got to give me that.

I do. I do. It was beautiful.

What are you looking
at? Your hair is insane.

Yeah, helmet head.

Guys, where are you?

Why don't you take that out
back, see if Kevin needs a hand?

I'm gonna go change. All right.

- Stop!
- It's faster.

The steaks are gonna
taste like lighter fluid.

Trust me, I've been
doing this a long time.

Oh, yeah? How long? Long enough.

I love steak on the grill, but
God, it's bad for the environment.

That's a lot of CO2
for one meal. It is?

Uh... You know,
it's not that bad.

Not if... You know, not if you
only do it on special occasions.

I turn the lights off in a room if I'm
not there in order to save energy.

That's a big help.

And I brought pie for dessert.

You're cute.

Kevin!

Kevin?

Where is Kevin? What's wrong?

Where is Kevin?

Relax. He just went to drop off
some stuff at Immaculate Virgin.

We're having a clothing
drive for the unfortunate.

Oh, great, a clothing drive.

The less fortunate.

What does fortunate mean?

Ah. Blessed, lucky.

Like a cat with nine lives.

We had so much extra stuff.

We did? Yeah.

Yeah, but don't stress.
It was only four boxes.

It was mostly
Kevin's old T-shirts

and some baby clothes from the
basement. You know, nothing fancy.

Gymboree stuff and
some mismatched mittens.

Grace, are you all right?
Dad's been gone for two hours.

The school's only
five minutes away.

Gracie, would you go
get me my lip gloss?

Thank you.

Look, I, uh... I told
him I'd watch the kids

so he could get his ass
to an Al-Anon meeting.

I mean, seriously, Jackie,
this is his damage, not yours.

He doesn't talk about
it and that fucks him up.

You said that to him? Yeah.

Like I'm gonna start
watching what I say now?

Hi!

Hey, man. Hey.

How's the job? Great.

Feels like I've been there
for years. How are you?

Good. Good.

Are they watching a movie? Yeah.

They decided on 20 minutes of
Toy Story 3 and 20 minutes of Annie.

Are they still out
there, Eddie and Tunie?

Yeah, I don't think
he wants to leave yet.

Really? Yeah.

I felt like I had to get out
of the way, get more pie.

It's berry or something.
It's fucking delicious.

You want some? No, thanks.

Are you going somewhere?
Yeah, the parish.

You can pray right here.

I think Tunie may have given away a
box with the girls' baptism gowns in it.

I don't want to make her feel
bad, but if I don't go check,

I'm gonna... Not
gonna be able to sleep.

You want me to go with you?

You want to? You
want to go for a walk?

I think Tunie can flirt and listen
for the girls at the same time.

Let me get my jacket.

What? I just like watching
you eat standing up.

Okay, back in a minute. Yeah.

Go ahead. I'll be here.

Thank you. I'm
happy to help out,

but there were a couple of things
in there I didn't mean to give away.

Of course. We're grateful for
anything you want to donate.

Take your time. Thank you.