Nurse Jackie (2009–2015): Season 3, Episode 5 - Rat Falls - full transcript

Previously on Nurse Jackie...

If you need my
help, I'll be around.

No, not this shit. We've been waiting
an hour. My daughter's got asthma.

I'm sorry, this man has
chest pains. He goes first.

Akalitus named
Dr. O'Hara chief of the ER.

Nothing has been set in stone. If you
want chief so badly, show me what you got.

Like a dance-off?

You have a bunion. No, I don't.

Those statues belong here.

Not according to the books.

Can you at least give me
a couple of extra weeks



so that my staff can
say their goodbyes?

I brought pie for dessert.

You're cute.

Are they still out
there, Eddie and Tunie?

Yeah, I don't think
he wants to leave yet.

Really?

Guess who's back.

Okay, I'll tell you. Cantasha, also
known as Candace and Natasha.

Are we talking
about ice skaters?

They sat in admitting and
yelled at us all day last time.

The kid ate three
bags of nacho chips

and a can of Mountain
Dew, totally littered.

So nobody's sick.

Nobody's ever sick.



They're always here and
they're never sick. Meanwhile...

Do you have business
in the pharmacy?

I do not.

Hey.

Why are you texting Tunie?

She texted me first.

This is my sister-in-law, Eddie.

What are you doing?

I'm trying to see if you
have a leg to stand on.

Yeah, well, whatever.
It doesn't matter.

No? No.

You know what?
Forget it. Go for it.

But just so you know,
she was up half the night

hacking into her
ex-boyfriend's e-mail,

who is a pilot, by the way.

And you're telling me this why?

'Cause I don't wanna
see you get sucked in.

Okay. Coming across a
little sharp, all I'm saying.

Well, that's not
what I was going for.

You want a little Valium,
help take the edge off?

There is no edge, Eddie,
okay? There's no edge.

Dr. Litmen, please call 513.
Dr. Litmen, please call 513.

Oh, my God. Not now, Thor.

You are gonna die.

Yes, one day for
sure. Eventually, yes.

Thirty-five-year-old male,
gunshot wound to the head.

Found unresponsive
in Tompkins Square.

Hypotensive, 50
palp in the field.

Guy was caught in the
crossfire. Bystander called it in.

Is there an exit
wound? It's still in there.

Any good news? It's nice out.

Shit, he's herniating. Jackie!

Where's Jackie?

What the...

Jesus.

You fucking rats.

Fuck. Fuck.

Fuck.

Time of death 11:15 a.m.

I'm really glad you were here.

What for?

You know, two doctors instead
of one. If it were me, I mean...

We're both really
good at what we do.

And it's not like you
lost him or I lost him.

We both lost him. It's kind
of a wash, don't you think?

Is this about being chief?

Look, I respect you as a doctor,

but I also respect
you as a competitor.

One of the many differences
between you and I, Dr. Cooper,

is that you keep score on things
that never should be scored.

You're gonna need those coping
skills when you're my subordinate.

Surely any woman that's ever been
under you has needed coping skills.

Sticks and stones. Gotta bounce.

I'm having brunch with my moms
at the Boathouse, Central Park.

How romantic.

Cottage cheese
pancakes. That's right.

Should I ask? Not unless
you want an answer.

I'll get him ready
for the morgue.

Unless you can go back in time and
set his affairs in order, then I doubt...

Yes, I know.

Go get a cup of coffee.
Let me clean him up.

Bless your heart.

We were here last week.

My daughter can barely breathe and
you got us waiting here for two hours.

She's got asthma.

Like I said, we can't treat your daughter
until you fill out the necessary...

Like I said, you already got all my
information in your fucking computer.

Ask India Arie over
there. He knows me.

Can you just follow
the rules, please?

Is he even awake?

He has his own vibe.

Candace, to what do
we owe the pleasure?

Asthma, same as before. Natasha
can't breathe and these two...

Here we go.

Hello, she can't breathe.

All right, we will get to you when
we get to you. And we will get to you.

Meantime, people are trying
to die in here. Have a seat.

I've seen her at almost every
hospital when I was temping.

Oh, my God, the
paperwork? Insane.

Yeah, well, the more hospital visits
they make, the more assistance they get.

It's pretty simple. So
just move them along.

Have you ever stolen anything?

Yes, many times.

Good. Chapel, half
hour. Bring Thor.

You got it.

How's the pain?

Not too bad.

Aren't you a terrible liar?

I still think it's remarkable
that you took a taxi.

Last time they
called an ambulance.

That's a lot of attention.
More than I want.

Are you sure you're not English?

I'm not sure of a damn thing.

Lou, what a nice surprise. Nice
for me, I mean. Probably not for you.

You took a spill, huh?

Remembering people's
names is my bread and butter,

but for the life of me I cannot remember
your name right now. Forgive me?

No worries. You're
a busy man. Jackie.

Jackie! Lou, Lou
Babiak. Good to see you.

Mr. Babiak's hypertension
caused him to fall again,

and he now has a broken wrist

and a chipped
tooth to show for it.

What happened with the meds,
if you don't mind me asking?

Uh... If you'll excuse me.

I lost my insurance. COBRA
ran out. Couldn't swing it.

Me and everybody else, right?

Well, you're not the only
one, if that's what you mean.

Still, it's humiliating. I lost
everything. My job, insurance.

Twenty years, I never missed
a child support payment.

They're gonna think
I'm a failure. Who?

My kids.

First of all, nothing could
be further from the truth.

Second of all, our
kids love us blindly.

Believe me, I am counting on it.

All right, why don't you get
dressed? We'll get you discharged.

Right, one filled
out prescription.

So no excuses. Come and see
me in a year when it runs out.

I don't know what to say.

Say nothing. I
just broke the law.

A year's worth of meds?

I took a leaf out of
your book. Sue me.

Imitation is the
sincerest form...

And I can't very well
flatter your wardrobe.

I like my scrubs.

Nope, sorry, can't do it.

Akalitus wants us to
meet her in the chapel.

Very well.

Very well?

Cuts both ways, doesn't it?

Are you mad at me?

This morning by the
elevators, totally dismissive.

You talked to me
like I was Zoey.

Oh, Jesus.

And the hits just keep coming.

I'm sorry, honey. I didn't
mean to be dismissive.

I just have a lot
going on at home.

That's another thing. You didn't
even tell me you were married.

You didn't even tell
me you were diabetic.

I had to find out in
the middle of a trauma.

That's a disease.

My point is it was personal

and I just figured you didn't wanna
discuss it in this little shop of horrors.

Are you trying to placate me
with a musical theater reference?

I am.

It's working. Good. Let's go in.

Before we go in, I just wanna
make sure that you understand

why my feelings were hurt.

Oh, my God. Let's go.

What's with the hardware?

The diocese is
deconsecrating this chapel.

What does that mean?

They're taking my statues.

Where? Staten Island.

Ooh, yikes.

Of all the statues in here, this is
the one that matters the most to me.

She's tall. She's got a lot
on her mind. And I relate.

Also, she's not judgmental.
That's something I'm working on.

It's irrational, but
that's the nature of faith.

We're stealing her.

Sorry to make you an accessory.

Happy to be one.

You were never here. But since you
are, strap Mary to the dolly and follow me.

Okay, okay, okay, this
is the last one, promise.

Big smiles.

Nope, too dark. One more.

Dear God.

I wish there was
better light in here.

Will you hurry up, Fitch?
My quiche is getting cold.

Just let the boy take
a picture, Maureen.

He's taken a thousand
since we got here.

That boot is God-awful.
Can't you take that off?

He has troubled feet.

Well, he doesn't
get that from me.

Another Bloody Mary, please.

Will you stop? Big smiles.

I'll tickle you. Perfect.

Gosh, I love this place.

And I love these pancakes.

All right, honey, that's good. Put
your phone down and eat. Got it?

Yeah. Great. You
got it. Here we go.

So when do you become chief?

Well, it's not official, but I'm
feeling pretty good about it.

Why would they give it
to you over a surgeon?

Maureen.

Well, I just want him to be
realistic about the way things are.

She's a surgeon.
He's just a doctor.

It's about leadership, Mom.

Well, of course it is.

Well, if you don't get
it, don't just up and quit

like you did with
soccer and jazz band.

Can we tell him now? No.

Tell me what?

Fitch, we have
something to tell you.

Yeah, after our
lovely brunch together.

No, no, now. What is it?

We have news we don't want
you to get all dramatic about.

Deal? Deal. What's the news?

Why did you have
to do it like that?

No, I didn't do it like that.

Would you be kind for five
minutes? I did what you said...

You guys are so
cute. What is it?

Honey...

Your mother and I
are getting a divorce.

Hmm?

And there goes the chin.

What's so great about pilots?

I mean, unless you work for NASA,
you're just a bus driver in the sky.

Yeah. This'll only take a
minute. All the way in the back.

Tunie, let me call you back.

Thank you in advance
for your cooperation.

Okay? All right,
we'll make a plan.

How long have you
had a cot in here?

Never mind. I don't wanna
know. Take good care of her.

I thought it was just
storage back here.

It is. It's where
I store my cot.

Listen, she called
me, all right?

She's out at the airport.
She's bored and I...

Sucked in.

He's handling this
better than I thought.

Fitch, honey, come
on back so we can talk.

You wanna talk?
Fine. This is bullshit!

If he's just going to sit in that little
boat and curse, I'm getting a cab.

Don't you move.

Honey, we're okay, really.

We're always gonna be your
mothers. It's just time for a change.

You're leaving mom
for Dina, aren't you?

Dina is my business
partner, Fitch.

Besides, she's straight.

You were straight,
too, once, remember?

Honey, your mother and I
love each other very much.

We just can't bear to be in the
same room together anymore.

Dina. Dina! How ridiculous!

How straight is she?

Lou, you all right?

You know, you were discharged.

Do you need somebody
to walk you out?

No, I left, but I went home
and then I came back again.

I keep falling. Not literally,
but well, that, too, but...

I feel like I'm gonna
do something stupid.

Okay.

I didn't know where else to go.

Okay, you're all
right. Come with me.

How long is the wait for
a psych eval and a bed?

What time's his appointment for?

I just brought him up.
He doesn't have one.

Then he needs to make one, and I don't
have anything until next Thursday, so...

Okay, we both know you
can make this happen.

What is the equivalent
of chest pains up here?

Got it. You're
hot shit in the ER?

Well, you don't have that
kind of pull up here, sweetie.

In order to be seen today, he needs
to make a scheduled appointment

and have a doctor's referral.

I will give you one of my
banked vacation days. It's yours.

I have 11 from last year.

Got kids? Yeah.

I will come over and personally
give everyone their flu shots.

And I'll get you some Zofran
just in case they get nauseous.

Please help me. This guy's
about to stick his head in an oven.

You'll give one
to my mother, too?

Absolutely.

Sir, can you step up here,
please? His name is Lou.

Hi, Lou. We're gonna take
good care of you, okay?

I just need you to fill
this form out for me.

Can you manage without your glasses for
a bit? I just wanna freshen up the tape.

Thank you.

Still need a referring doctor.

O'Hara.

All right, okay, breathe
in one more time.

Everything good? Splendid.

Natasha appears to
be in tip-top condition.

She's got asthma. It's chronic.

Didn't hear any wheezing,
but let's rule it out absolutely.

All right, my dear,
you know the drill.

Take a deep breath and
you blow as hard as you can.

Don't push yourself, baby.

The candles on your next
birthday cake don't stand a chance.

She can breathe out.
She can't breathe in.

Dr. O'Hara?

If you'll excuse us.

Everyone's entitled
to decent health care.

If you come in
sick, I will fix you.

If you pretend to be sick, I
am gonna pretend to fix you.

Recent history notwithstanding,

I do know when
I'm being swindled.

All right, let it out.

You better hope I never do.

Well, you're probably right.

Anyway, I just think you're
encouraging that little girl when...

And, oh, God, I hope I am. And please
stop thinking you're one step ahead.

Tasha, hurry up and get dressed.

So... You've been to
lots of hospitals looks like.

Yeah. Pretty boring, I imagine.

Waiting rooms are
miserable places.

I really appreciate
your patience.

Much more interesting
on this side of things.

Did ever think about
becoming a doctor?

Bet you'd be wonderful.

Well, there she goes again.

She's always trying to get the
smart ones to become doctors.

The smartest people
I know are the nurses.

You should become a
nurse. It's much cooler.

Hey, Thor, have you ever...

With a woman?

Private. What's on the menu?

Private!

Salad wrap.

I'd have told him
when I was ready.

I love it when I'm not
jealous of other people's food.

Bon appetit a moi.

A dead rat.

You messed with my stash.

If you wanna ruin your
kids' lives, get a divorce.

You all right?

I needed that.

You know what I'm gonna do now?

I'm gonna go heal some shit.

Okay, honey. Let
me talk to Fiona.

Hi, sweetie.

I just wanted to make sure you
guys got home from school okay.

Yeah? Was it a good day?

You did?

Oh...

Yeah, I can't wait to see it.

Okay. I love you, too. Bye-bye.

What a lovely, lovely surprise.

Well, not exactly a surprise.

I only have a second.

How much you got?

Two hundred bucks.

You're gonna stand, give me a
hug, slip it in my pocket and sit.

Thirty days clean and sober.
Not me, a client of mine.

I was gonna give it to her at a
meeting, but she didn't make it.

Maybe next time.

Nope. She's dead.

It's yours.

Lift the bottom.

I'm rooting for you.

Would you like to see a menu?

No, thanks. I'm on the clock.

Peyton? Jackie Peyton.

Thanks.

Hey, would you give these to
the patient in there? Thanks.

Rats.