Nurse Jackie (2009–2015): Season 3, Episode 12 - ...Deaf Blind Tumor Pee-Test - full transcript

Previously on Nurse Jackie...

You see my wife every day?

What do you want to say?

You gotta know
what I'm talking about.

We got a problem.
There is no "we."

Kevin knows.

I'm here to see Jackie Peyton.

And you are?

Her husband.

Jackie's not married.

You pull me in here and tell
me I can't administer meds



and you expect
me not to push you?

I don't want HR launching
a full-fledged investigation,

because then I'll have
no say in the matter.

It's been two weeks, Gloria.
I want to get on with my life.

I will prescribe
what I think is best

for you in your situation.
To get you clean.

Are you trying to buy
your statues back?

I want them back for the chapel.

Coop wants them
back for his wedding.

It's a win-win.

I took a couple of patches,
might have been four.

I took six.

And I've never been to Haiti.

You shouldn't be
talking about this.



Why not? It's true.

Anyways, if it's sunny out,

all you need is a
magnifying glass

and you can make a fire, easy.

I don't need a magnifying glass.

Show me later.

What about tumors?

I get them all the time.

I got tumors like
you can't believe.

All over.

Sometimes they hide.

Have a seat, Mr. Digby.

If you don't let me
see a doctor in, like,

five minutes, I'm
gonna call an ambulance

and take my business
to another hospital.

You wanna use my phone? No?

Okay, have a seat.

You're not going to
like what I have to say.

Try me.

HR has issued
mandatory urine tests

for the nurses in my department.

Failure to comply will
be met with termination.

Today? Tomorrow? When?

Today.

And just so we
understand each other,

this is not coming
from my office.

It's straight from HR.

Either way, I don't
pee on command.

Hey. Hey, Slater.

We get to pee in a cup today.

So I heard.

Want half a bagel?

No, thank you. I'm reducing.

Find me when you're
ready, both of you.

If I'm not in my office,
I'll be in the chapel.

I'm getting my statues back.

Nothing can stop me now.

Hey!

Are you their boss?
You tell her to let me in!

Is it your turn?

You see that? I'm
having a seizure.

Where's the camera?

I'm gonna have
a seizure and die.

And my lawyer's
gonna sue the hospital.

You're gonna get shut down.

And I won't care,
because I'm gonna be rich.

You'll be dead.

Urine samples.

Have a nice day.

What if she wanted half a bagel?

I'd be fucked.

I thought I'd get a
jump on the pee test.

Wanna see? Sure.

All right, vitamin B,
zinc, ginger, aspirin.

I load up about
eight hours before,

jacks the numbers around.

I like to smoke a little weed.

It's not worth losing your job.

Yeah, no, you're right.

Pound the fluids. Helps
increase the output.

A nice watery sample.

So does that just
work for pot or... Yeah.

Tox screens are a bitch.

Help yourself.

No, I'm good.

Do I got time for a smoke?

Most blood I ever saw.

He's a Civil War collector.

He was cleaning his
Confederate sword.

What is that code for?

We're talking about
nerds, not perverts.

A person can be both.

So he was cleaning his
sword with Windex and a rag.

All four fingers...
Down to the bone.

I feel bad for the patients
who are, you know, stupid.

Um... It's a guy I'm dating.

Works in ICU, so...
Raise the bar, Thor.

7:00 sharp.

Front row, chapel. Be there.

Got an awesome
birthday wedding cake.

Right, Jackie?
Jackie's on cake duty.

Best cake ever.

Wow, you're in scrubs.

Is it for your birthday?
Happy birthday, by the way.

Thank you, Zoey. But don't
everyone say it all at once.

I want today to be
sprinkled with joy.

So if you could
spread it out a little,

catch me in the hall,
the elevator, wherever.

And since everyone's dying to
know what I'm doing in scrubs,

it's in case a
patient pukes on me.

Tuxedo, locked and loaded.

One tux, two ties. Four shoes.

Where's Slater?
I need an opinion.

He's in admitting.

Yo, Slates!

I need some help with the tie.

Birthday boy's getting hitched.

Did you guys get him anything?

I turned him into Cooper
Duper. That was my gift.

And I apparently bought
him a cake, so he's fine.

Don't tell me you spent
your money on Coop.

What? I believe in birthdays.

You are officially on cake duty.

EMS one minute
away. Boiler exploded.

Thirty-year-old male with a
foot of pipe stuck in his stomach.

All right, page
O'Hara. Call the OR.

Witnessed explosion.
Thirty-year-old male found down.

Two lines wide open.
He's breathing on his own.

He needs to go
straight to the OR.

Do not pass go.
Do not collect $200.

Seriously, straight to surgery.

I need to stabilize him first.

Lenny, let's go. Inside, now.

Look at me. It's
like a candle, okay?

He's gonna go out like that.

You'll be stabilizing
him for the morgue.

Come on, let me take him up.

Write in his hand. It's...

In his... Write in his hands.

All right, Zoey,
take him up now.

There's another one coming.

Thirty-five-year-old male,
crawling around at the scene,

breathing on his own.
BP's 180 over 100.

Valium in the field, five mil.

I think he might be blind.

Got it.

Are you gonna chicken out?

No, are you?

Nope.

Told you.

It's okay, I'm Jackie.
You're at All Saints.

Sir, sir, can you hear me?

Sir?

"My name is David
Bonvino. I am deaf and blind.

"In case of emergency,
call my brother."

Okay, you handle the
meds. I'll make the call.

Urine test.

Leave me alone.

Oh, shit. What if it's
a family member?

I've never done this.

You got it, boo.

Hello? Zoey?

Jackie? Jackie Jackie?

We'll take him from here. Wait.

Cool your jets. He's
trying to say something.

I got a guy here,
deaf and blind,

and a card that says in case
of emergency, call the brother.

Do you have a
brother? He can't sign.

Write in his hand.
Write in his hand.

Um... He can't sign.
Write in his hand.

All right, you're
gonna be all right, man.

The guy with the
pipe sticking out

of his gut, that's his brother.

Here, I'm gonna
write in his hand.

Gloves? No, I'm good.

You are okay.

Okay?

"Is he okay?"

Uh...

I'm gonna tell him yes.

"Y-E-S." Okay?

What? Do you have
a better answer?

Yeah, he's okay.

God, Fi, what did you do?

We made a fire.

I got caught.

Answer your fucking phone.

Nope.

Hey, Jackie. Too much?

It's either him or
me. You gotta pick.

Sorry, Coop.

You may have won the battle,

but I'll win the war. Watch me.

Best man, just saying.

Whoa.

I know that look. Do you?

'Cause if you did, you'd know
to keep that thought to yourself.

Guess I should have picked Coop.

Oh, man, this day...

People gotta leave me alone.

Deaf, blind, tumor, pee test...

Man, I need a fucking break.

Yeah, you do.

It's Kevin.

Don't pick that up. What?

What are you afraid
of? He's in Queens.

You think he's gonna
crawl through the phone

and be magically standing here?

Eddie, leave it alone.

No, fuck it. You be
afraid if you want.

Me, I'm done running.

Hey, Kev. What can I do for you?

Yeah, do me a favor.

Go find my wife and tell her
to pick up her goddamn phone.

All right, well, I'll see if
anyone knows where she's at.

Is everything okay?

Listen to me, Eddie.

Tell her she can blow
me off all she wants

after she calls me back,
but she has to call me. Now.

Tell her.

Everybody okay? Call him back.

You were right, you
should've picked Coop.

I always knew this
day would come.

Yeah, me, too.

If you're avoiding
the urine test,

I want you to tell me now.

No, actually, I'm
avoiding my husband,

but thanks for thinking of me.

No running in the halls!

Come on!

Where are your shoes?

Anyone seen my crackhead?

You gotta be more specific.

Vegetarian?

Jackie's got her in 5.

Quit poking me! Stop.

You gotta stay still or they're
gonna restrain you, okay?

Let's get the IV started,

we'll get some fluids
in you, a little IV Valium.

You're gonna feel
much better, okay?

You give her Valium yet? No.

How about you do the
Valium? I'll do the Zofran.

Man, I tried for an
hour to get a line in.

So I escaped.

Totally dehydrated. She
was up all night throwing up.

It was the bacon, not the crack.

It was not the crack. No?

Monica here ate
two pounds of bacon

after not eating
meat for six years.

I see.

I was tweaking and starving

at the same time, which
is practically impossible.

And then all of a
sudden, I smelled bacon.

And I was like, "Bacon!
Starving! Seize the moment!"

I'm Mr. Seize-the-Moment.
Just ask Jackie.

Excuse me just a minute.

Hey, what's going on?

Everything checks out,
so I've got a van waiting.

We're gonna take him home.
He'll be more comfortable there.

He looks pretty
comfortable where he is.

But there's nothing wrong
with him, and we need the bed.

Just let me do my job, okay?

Uh... You need a hand
getting him dressed?

No, I got it. Okay.

Bonvino, pipe guy,
is he dead or alive?

Alive. Intensive care.

Oh, good. This is
O'Hara's patient.

Shit. You gotta
keep him in his gown.

But I have a van waiting.

No, I totally fucked up.
You gotta help me out here.

I was supposed to have
him up to ICU an hour ago.

I am gonna get killed.

See, they gotta keep him
for serial CTs and observation.

Sorry. Um... I have
to call upstairs.

Okay, you do that. Thor!

As fast as you can, okay?
But I'm supposed to meet

Coop's bride by
the front entrance

in case she needs
help with her hair.

Tell your friend in the ICU
to put him next to his brother.

I want them to be together,
okay? Do whatever you gotta do.

I will take care
of the bride's hair.

No.

Just go.

But... Go!

But you can't...

I went to, like, 10 places.

No one sells wedding cakes.

It's a world of
birthdays out there.

I'm sure it'll be fine.
Don't worry about it.

You think that's the bride?

She seems really nervous.

Here, you hold these.

I'm gonna run and get a cart.

Come on. Go inside, go inside.

Come on, honey, go inside.

Go inside.

Yes!

What? Oh, God.

No, no, no.

Oh, God.

T minus one till my Ave Maria.

Ooh! Nice cart.

Urology.

Five more minutes
and then back to work.

That's a lot of sugar, people.

Hurry, hurry, hurry.

Sorry I'm late.

I think the bride is a no-show.

No!

That's really rude.

I look like an idiot.

No, no, not at all.

Everybody's together,

the chapel looks like a chapel
again, and it's because of you.

You did it.

Look how happy Akalitus
is. That is not easy.

I feel like an asshole.

You got me a horse and carriage.

Not exactly.

No one's ever gonna
wanna marry me.

That's not true.

Thank you for my
statues, Dr. Cooper.

It might be kind of dumb, but...

Too soon, Zoey, but thanks.

No, it's for your birthday.

It's from all of us.

♪ Happy birthday to you

♪ Happy birthday to you

♪ Happy birthday, Dr. Cooper...

My work here is done. Just go.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

Happy birthday.

Tough break, Coop.

It didn't turn out
like I thought.

It never does.

Just peddle.

Yeah.

Coop! Wait up.

Slide over.

Somebody get that, please?

Not so fast.

It's time.

Anything you want to tell me?

Nope.

You saw his face.

You should feel
more bad for him.

I do.

I feel horrible for him.

My heart goes out to the guy.

Well, it doesn't look like it.

Zoey, I took a urine test
I know I'm gonna pass.

Let me enjoy it, okay?

Mr. Peyton, welcome.

And what a pleasure.

Zoey, right?

Correctamundo.

Sam, I'd like you to
meet Jackie's husband,

Mr. Peyton.

Nice to meet you.

Welcome to All Saints.

You must be the girls.

Uh, we're kind of in a
hurry. Is Jackie around?

Ah! Yes, I will go
find Mrs. Peyton.

Excuse us. Jacks!

Kind of busy.

Kevin's in admitting.

Oh, God damn it.

With the girls.

Hope you're happy.

I'm not.

What do I do?
Tell me what to do.

Your daughters are so pretty!

Okay, private
moment. I see that,

but I have to pee really bad.

I'm sorry.

Stay calm.
Everything will be fine.

Oh.

The tall one is her daughter.

She's 100.

I'm sorry. Granddaughter.
Great-granddaughter.

Better. Thank you.

Sorry for your loss.

All right, fine.

I'll take the girls
and keep them busy

with x-rays and sugar
until I hear from you.

Jackie?

How does a person
even get to be that old?

Well, for starters, a person
doesn't fuck the pharmacist.

It's so much bigger than that.

What the fuck am I
doing? I just peed in a cup.

We all know how
that's gonna turn out.

Kev's out there with his
head full of accusations,

most of them true, by the way.

What?

She's dead and I'm jealous.

How fucked up is that?

Oh, God, please
don't get dreary on me.

Come on.

Let's get it over with.

Hello.

I'm looking for a Grace
and Fiona Peyton?

I can't see...

Wow, what a cool
surprise, you guys.

So Dr. O'Hara's gonna
show you around.

Daddy and I are gonna
talk a little bit, okay?

I don't think you'll be so happy

when you find out what I did.

I bet I will.

I bet you won't.

Are you guys gonna be long?

You got your books
just in case, okay?

Thank you. Fine.

Right, bring your books.
Absolutely no homework allowed.

Follow me. We shall go
and look at broken things.

You brought the girls? Really?

I gotta get this off
my chest, Jackie.

And I don't wanna
do it at the house

with the girls in the
next fucking room.

Okay? Tunie's at work. What
else am I supposed to do?

You're the dad. You're
supposed to hold it in.

Follow me.

Extra wedding
cake. We have tons.

No, thank you.

It's not like I wanna
be doing this, okay?

This is the hardest
thing I've ever done.

Will you look at me?

One's on meds, the
other one's starting fires.

I have no idea what
you're talking about.

Whatever we're doing
is messing them up.

Well, I disagree.

We were married in a church.

We had two little girls.

It's not just a piece of paper.

Oh, my God, just spit it out.

I'm trying. I've been
trying for weeks.

All right, I'm here.
I'm all yours, okay?

Just say what you
fucking gotta say.

You can't just step
outside a marriage

and fuck someone else,
because things got hard

and expect the
marriage to survive.

Kevin... Just let me say it.

I had an affair.

Things got so bad,

so hopeless and lonely,
even in the same room.

And I just...

I don't know what
I'm supposed to do.

I fucked up.

It's over.

It will never happen again.

You gotta believe me, Jackie.

Believe me.

I...

What am I supposed to say?

I don't know.

"I love you"?

"I forgive you"?

Something like that.

Pack your bags.

Fuck 'em.