Nurse Jackie (2009–2015): Season 3, Episode 11 - Batting Practice - full transcript

Previously on Nurse Jackie...

I can't get my
thoughts to slow down.

I've seen success with
pediatric doses of Xanax.

It's for my kid. That's rough.

You pull me in here and tell
me I can't administer meds

and you expect me not to push
you? What are you talking about?

HR called me. They're under
the impression that someone

in the emergency department
is abusing narcotics.

I'm getting married. I
want to reserve the chapel.

Stained glass windows, the
little candles, the mannequins.

They're not mannequins.
They're statues and they're gone.



We've gotta get them back.
It's my birthday wedding.

What gets Michelle Obama
out of bed in the morning?

Fat kids!

I'm not handing over the
First Lady visit without a fight.

We've got to get
out in front of this.

It's Haiti, man, all right?

And they got nothing.
And when I say nothing,

I mean, like, I'm using a
shoelace to tie off a gusher.

I'm a week off the pills, right?

You're kidding.

No, I'm not kidding.

Hey, what's wrong?

Nothing's wrong.

I was gonna leave you a
note so you could sleep.



I wanted to get in some
batting practice before work.

Okay.

You're in late today, right?
You can get the girls to school?

Sure.

Fi, honey, this is why you comb

your hair right
after you shower.

Stay still.

No, I can do it myself.

No, you can't. Please,
you've gotta stay still, honey.

You're hurting my head.

You know, do it yourself.

You have five minutes.

Dad set the clock on the
stove 10 minutes ahead.

We won't be late. Don't worry.

When did he do that?

The last time we
were really late.

Do you want a
vitamin? Yes, please.

Keep combing, Fi.

I am.

You want one?

No, thanks, sweetie.
Those are for you.

Thanks for meeting
me. I know it's early.

Hey, man, you call me
at 6:30 in the morning,

I'm just happy no one's dead.

Damn.

That ball do something
to you personally?

Let me ask you something.

You see my wife every day?

Technically, yeah.

So do you.

Well, I can't
look at her lately.

It's fucked up.

Yeah, well,

you know,

ignoring the person
you're married to

is a big part of
making it work, right?

There's all this unspoken
shit hanging there.

Every day I wake up,

I want to put it all out there.

Fuck the consequences.

It's the hanging there
that's making me crazy.

It's...

And I just...

What do you want to say?

You gotta know
what I'm talking about.

I don't.

But I have people here.

Yes, I understand that
nothing was confirmed.

Or announced.

But we were in
contention for the...

Uh-huh.

Of course.

But I have very
important people here,

to meet the...

Yes.

Well...

You could have called earlier.

Is today the day?

The day for what?

The end-of-probation day?
The let-me-do-my-job day?

Today is not the day.

It's been two weeks, Gloria.

I want to get on with my life.

Jackie, I will
effectively notify you

when your probation
has been lifted.

Until that time,
hands off, head down.

Really? That's what
you're telling me?

Because I am at
the end of my rope.

Well,

make more rope.

Now if you'll excuse me.

I have just received word,

that the First Lady has decided

to visit another hospital.

But that does not
mean we have lost,

because you are still here.

What I'm trying to say is that,

even though the First Lady
has chosen another hospital,

we will weather
the disappointment

and still have a
great day together.

Sorry.

I'm sorry, I can't buy
this. It's stressing me out.

Doctor Temkin, in
ortho, such a sore loser.

He was convinced one of us
had some sort of inside info.

Told him Terry
Bradshaw was my uncle.

Awesome.

Who's Terry Bradshaw?

Oh, you are so lucky you met me.

Your winnings. Big bills.

Oh, my God!

I know.

It's like the bat mitzvah I
always wanted, but never had.

I thought this was gonna
be the worst year of my life.

But between this
and getting married,

it could be the half-worst,
half-best year ever.

So, do you have a
best man picked out yet?

On the list. Gotta ask Eddie.

Hmm. Really?

Because I just helped
you win a small fortune.

And I also got my braces
off a week early, on purpose.

Pictures.

But, Thor,

you can't be my best man

and sing at my wedding. Huh?

You're totally right.

Overkill.

Look at you. A little
mascara. Going out?

I am not.

However,

I would like to invite
you... Don't do it.

To a gathering.

A soiree.

It's National Nurses
Appreciation Week.

Jesus, Zoey, really?

Yes!

I have reserved a
room... Sounds awful.

In the basement.

Just because it's a
party in the basement

doesn't mean it's going to suck.

You guys,

this party is important.

And so fun.

Appreciation
week is patronizing.

It's for the overworked
and underpaid.

Secretaries, teachers, us.

It's bullshit. We
don't celebrate it.

That's crazy. It's our week.

If we don't
celebrate it, who will?

Oh, my God, you're throwing
your own appreciation party?

I appreciate us and I want
everyone to be together.

We are together.

And we're all gonna be
together at the wedding.

It's not the same.

Please come.

Can't. Won't.

I will make an appearance.

Hey.

Hey.

We got a problem.

There is no "we."

Yeah, well, I think we
should be fucking freaked out.

Kevin knows. Why
do you say that?

Because he lured
me into a small space.

He had a bat.

He was swinging it and
he was talking about you.

What did he say?

He didn't seem like a guy who
wanted to renew his vows, okay?

Look, marriage is hard, Eddie.

Believe me, he
doesn't know anything.

Incoming trauma.

Cab driver versus
pedestrians, guess who won.

All hands on deck.

Uh, Jacks, would you
intercept the cab driver, yeah?

Tough riding the bench, huh?

Yeah, kiss my ass.

How you doing? I'm okay.

All right, let's
make sure, okay?

I was turning.

They went running across
the street somewhere.

Her purse went
flying. I have it.

I didn't see them
coming. I looked.

Well, you can't always
see everything coming.

It's okay. Did you
have your seat belt on?

No. Okay, you're all right.

I need some help here!

I can't breathe.

I got him, I got him.
Okay, you sure?

Yeah, yeah. Over there?

Yeah, over here's good.

Unbelted driver, ran into
those pedestrians in trauma.

He started gasping for air.

Pulse ox is low. He's unstable.

Not a show.

Damn. He's got a tracheal
shift, pneumothorax.

Probably on impact.

He's gonna need a chest tube.

I'll get O'Hara.

No, wait, wait, wait.
Stay put, stay put.

Betadine.

What the hell are you thinking?

A needle decompression.

Pressure's dropping.

Get me 10 of Versed. We're
gonna need that for after.

You get it.

Get the Versed, please.

I can't get it.
I'm on probation.

I can't handle the fucking meds.

Prep him. I'll take care of it.

There it is.

Hmm. Nice work.

Better call up to the OR.

Tell them we've got a chest
tube to add to the parade.

I'll get on it.

Don't worry, I didn't do
anything I wasn't supposed to do.

I followed all the rules.

Well, thank goodness
somebody's having an exciting day.

You're okay.

Snickers.

Skittles.

Baby Ruth.

What do all these
things have in common?

Benjamin. Sugar?

Very good. Sugar.

Now, there's nothing good for
you inside of all of this candy.

You know what I like?

Raisins.

And if you eat all of
them, you can do this.

There were six of you.
Where are the other two?

Thirty-year-old female called us

because she couldn't
stop coughing.

That's it?

Yeah, just coughing.

Put her in five.

Nice day for a cabulance.

What's your name?

Ruth.

Can't stop coughing.

And you just did.

Yeah, but... Ridiculous.

This is a hospital.

Yeah, I hear you.

All right, everyone, count off!

One! Two.

Three. Start again.

Sierra, stay with the group.

One! Two.

Three.

No such thing as two threes.

Start again. One!

You have a minute for
something really important?

Sure.

I'm going to be here.

And Eddie's going to be here.

Oh, fuck, I forgot to ask him.

And Thor's going to stand here.

Or maybe here. I don't know.

And the mannequins will be
back, so it'll look a lot nicer.

But I still need someone
to pick up the cake,

cue the music and make
sure everyone is seated.

And I'd like that
person to be you.

No. Oh, come on.

People are scared of you. You'd
be the perfect wedding coordinator.

Why don't you ask Zoey to do it?

Nobody listens to Zoey.

If I were still talking to my
moms, I'd ask them to do it.

My moms.

It's your last
divorce card, Coop.

You sure you
want to play it now?

Playing it.

Wedding coordinator, check.

You know, she reminds
me of you. Who?

Cricket, my fiancee.

Really? Well, good luck, then.

Awesome.

You do this every week?

No.

This is a special week.

Yeah?

Shit, is it our anniversary?

We haven't been dating long
enough to have an anniversary.

I love that you're
not the kind of girl

who needs to celebrate
every little thing.

Yeah, I'm good like that.

You are.

I only recognize
the really important

holidays.

Cool. Thanks for
the sugar, boober.

Jellybeans.

Oh.

Yay.

What the... Look at this.

Lenny came in. He
couldn't tell what it was for.

Well, in much bigger news,

I am singing at Coop's wedding.

Wedding.

The acoustics in
here are insane.

That's because
it's an empty room.

Well, I'm gonna rehearse, just
until everyone else gets here, so...

♪ Ave Maria ♪

No, stop.

I need you to do
me a favor. Mmm.

Would you refill this?

If she's already out,
she's taking too many.

She's not taking too many.

Jackie.

Please.

Okay? Please.

What are you wearing
to my wedding?

I'm not going.

Too painful?

Now I'm definitely going.

Okay, we ordered
her some codeine.

Christ.

Chronic and persistent.

It'll suppress the reflex.

Yes.

What?

Is that bad, the codeine?

Look, if you have a cough,
you go to the drugstore.

You don't go to the ER.

I don't want to get sick.

Right over there, meningitis.

Over here, bacterial pneumonia.

If you sit around
here long enough

with your cough,
you're gonna get sick.

And unnecessary opiates
can do more harm than good.

If I were you, I would
steer clear of the dairy,

get some Chloraseptic
before you go down that road.

I do eat a lot of ice cream.

So do you want
those? It's up to you.

No.

Okay, as soon as we rule out
strep, we can send you home.

What are you doing in here?

That was such a
rush, back in trauma.

Let's go out and
celebrate after work.

I don't much feel like
celebrating this job.

This fucking probation
is... Jackie, um...

Your probation is my fault.

I reported to HR after the pharmacy
run was flagged. The fentanyl...

I covered Eddie's ass and my ass
too, but I didn't name any names.

I'm supposed to believe that?

You should. It's the truth.

Why not just tell them?

You know, confusion's the enemy.

What makes you think
we're on the same side?

Why would I go out with you?

We can sit around and talk about all
the shit you have to hang over my head?

Oh, I see.

You want some shit
to hang over my head?

Come out with me after work.

I'll think about it.

Don't you have a
brother or a cousin?

No brothers.

I have a cousin in Iowa. Or
Indiana. One of those states.

Yeah, well, I'm flattered, Coop,

but I can't. Why not?

Well, for starters, what I
think you're doing is crazy.

Because I'm crazy in love.

Have you thought
this thing through yet?

You know what happens
when you get married?

Someone comes
along, fucks your wife.

And then you crash and burn.

You're hopping along here like
everything's cake and sunshine

after what, a month of dating?

Three weeks. I'm
not getting involved!

Honey, maybe the signs
just weren't big enough.

No.

We could go see a movie... Stop.

Fine.

Are you lost?

Uh... No, I was looking for her.

Happy Nurses
Appreciation Week. Here.

Shut up. What?

Who sent you? What
are you talking about?

Are you fucking with me?

What? No.

I brought you flowers. What
are you getting mad at me for?

Don't yell at her.
Why are you here?

Look, my mom's a
nurse. My sister's a nurse.

My sister-in-laws
are all nurses.

Not like this is the only week

someone should get you flowers.

You work hard.

Thank you.

Here.

Thank you.

And you look nice.

Those are good jeans.

Do you want to
stay for the party?

This is a party?

I know.

I'm on duty.

Rain check? Okay.

All right.

I'll see you around.

Um... Hello? Lenny.

You should be on vocal rest.

Oh, my God.

Hi! You can come in.

Come on in.

Hey, dude, wait up.

Coop, I'm not
trying to be a dick.

I had a shitty day.

I want to go home
and feel like shit,

come back and
try again tomorrow.

Wait.

Look, I know everyone
thinks I'm an idiot.

They do.

And this probably looks insane.

But I love her.

I'm 35, my family
just fell apart,

I'm tired of eating alone.

It's not the worst reason
in the world to get married.

I just want to move forward.

I get that.

So come on,

best man it up.

Jesus. All right.

But do not hug me.

Hugging you in
my mind. All right.

All right, now, as your
best man, I gotta tell you,

I don't know too many
happily married people.

We'll be happy.

Yeah. Maybe you will.

Hope is the thing with
fucking feathers, right?

I don't know.

Barneys, the big bags.

Uh-oh.

Close the door.

I refilled this for
your daughter,

but I want to help you.

You are helping me.

No, this is a band-aid,
Jacks. Real help.

I will pay for rehab,

which I think is a joke.

I will take you to meetings,
which I know you won't go to.

I'll send you on
holiday to detox

but I know you'll be miserable.

So what else is there?

Or I will prescribe

what I think is best for
you in your situation.

To get you clean.

Consider me a very
fancy methadone clinic.

Are you comfortable with that?

Of course not.

But it's the least
of many evils.

I know what I don't
want and that is to hear

from your husband or Gloria
Akalitus or the police, God forbid,

that you are in over your head.

I just want everything to be

better.

And it's the only
thing I can think of.

Okay.

Okay.

Thank you.

That is some real
Hansel-and-Gretel shit right there.

I'm only having
one. One is enough.

Good.

Go tell that lady thank you.

Thank you very much, lady.

You're very welcome.

Would you like another cupcake?

No, my mom says I
have to learn when to stop.

It's hard.

You'll learn.

Don't worry, you will.

Well done, Miss Barkow.

I used to hide crumb cake
underneath my bed when I was seven

because my mom
didn't believe in seconds.

You keep telling them no,
they'll want it even more.

That's right.

Watch your tone.

But yes.

Oh, my God, why
wasn't I invited?

Where's Jackie?

Married people scare me, okay?

My sister got
married on Halloween.

I'm not kidding. People
thought that was weird.

I didn't. I thought it
was very considerate

because that way we didn't have
to explain the bridesmaids dresses.

You know what I am saying? Because
you're not gonna wear those again.

Yeah, you guys are
exciting... Seriously?

You're married, kids.

You've been working at the
same hospital for what, 10 years?

You look like you could
use a change of scene.

Want a drink?

No, I'm good.

Tequila, please.

Two.

How long have you
guys been together?

Seven minutes? Eight?
Yeah, five minutes, good.

You can speak up. It's okay.

I have news for you.
She will spend $250...

Oh, my God, she's
dying up there.

Yeah, and we don't
have to save her.

Yeah.

Look, you don't know me.

A week before you started,
I got in a car accident.

Wrecked my back, so I
took a couple of patches,

might have been four.

Yeah? Yeah.

I took six.

And I've never been to Haiti.

Finally! Thank you.

That was funny.