Nurse Jackie (2009–2015): Season 2, Episode 3 - Candyland - full transcript

Previously on Nurse Jackie...

Coop will not stop twittering.

Dr. Cooper lodged a
formal complaint against you.

Against me? Really? For what?

Insubordination and
general bitchiness.

How are we on time?

We're good. Just
don't get fancy.

What do we got?
Jackie, really. Go.

I tried to kill myself.

I OD'd on some drugs
trying to get a girl's attention.

Man.



I'm executive of
my mother's estate

and, as such, it
would mean the world

if I could set up a
college fund for the girls,

if for no other
reason than taxes.

Your mom and I went
to high school together.

Yes, we did. A
million years ago.

Oh, half a million.

She was the homecoming queen.

She said that her mom was
Dad's girlfriend before you.

Oh, please.

There's been a
problem with shrinkage.

And, frankly, any shrinkage
makes us all look bad,

even if it's just Imodium.

And it's never just
the Imodium, people.



What is hospital policy
regarding lost or found drugs?

Don't worry about
it. I'll take care of it.

Whoa. Why so desperate?

Do you want to
get your ass kicked?

I don't think these are done.

She's making our cupcakes flat.

Stop doing that, Fi.

Maybe I should try one.

No way.

Hello.

Hello.

No, wait. Stop.

You cannot put some vanilla in.

I'm putting the vanilla in.

Kaitlyn?

So?

I'm less than thrilled.

Well, I thought we agreed
that it was good for Grace

to have play dates
with her friends.

And right now, she
only has one. So...

That looks like fun.

Uh-huh.

Grace's tuition is killing us.

Well, about that,

O'Hara's mom died
and left her some money,

and she wanted me to ask you
about setting something up for the girls.

No.

I mean, I know she's
your friend, but no.

You don't think we should
at least think about it?

Money always comes
with strings, Jackie.

Not always.

Took money from my
mom and your mom.

Both times, we regretted it.

Yes, that is true.

Can we at least mull
it over for a little while?

You want me to mull over taking
money from a crazy person?

She's not crazy.
She lives in a hotel.

Because she's rich.

Most rich people live in houses

or high-rises or
villas, not hotels.

That doesn't make her crazy.

Mmm-hmm.

By the way, that little Kaitlyn
in there is a big, fat snot.

That's all I'm saying.

I'm keeping an eye on it.

You're a good dad.

I know.

Oh, Jesus! Kaitlyn,
you scared me.

Grace said there was a
bomb shelter down here.

I wanted to see if
she was making it up.

Kaitlyn, honey, Grace
does not make things up.

Grace worries a lot about
things that don't even make sense.

You should probably
get her some help.

Ah, is that right?
Are you a shrink?

What was that thing you
just did with the straw?

Kaitlyn, you were not
supposed to have seen that.

It was a trick that nurses
use to dry up their tear ducts.

Why do you need to
dry up your tear ducts?

Because we see a lot of pain
and suffering during the day,

and the last thing we
want to do is come home

and cry in front
of our families.

I need a hug.

Can I have one?

Oh, I made too much
Tater Tot hot dish

so I thought I'd
bring some over.

Kaitlyn says you guys
order a lot of pizza.

Yes. We happen to love pizza.

Doing the bills, huh?

Every month.

Mmm, I wish my
husband did the bills.

The girls are in the kitchen.

In the kitchen.

Ooh! Don't those look yummy?

Yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy.
Well, thank you for coming over.

These are for you.

Oh, thank you.

I can't wait to taste them.

Grace doesn't want
any, so can I have hers?

You don't want any, Grace?

Kaitlyn and Fi touched
them with their bare hands

and filled them
full of their bacteria.

I washed my hands, Grace, right
in front of you, like you told me to.

She made me wash my hands.

Well, washing your
hands is sanitary.

Thank you for setting such
a good example, honey.

But washing your hands every two
minutes is kind of crazy, if you ask me.

Ooh, that's a lot.

Not if you don't want to get
swine flu and probably die from it.

You know, I am a nurse,
and she has a good point.

You can never wash
your hands too much.

Well, we should
probably be going.

Thank you so much
for having Kaitlyn over.

Sure, you bet.

We'll just say goodbye
to Kev. Bye-bye.

We are so not eating that.

If anybody asks, Fiona's
allergic to potatoes.

No, I'm not.

So you want me to lie?

Honey, there are good
lies and there are bad lies.

It's a little complicated.

So what are you
shopping here for?

This stuff costs, like, 10 times
more than at a real grocery store.

Okay, buddy, I'll be honest
with you. I was worried about you.

You took an overdose and had
to have your stomach pumped.

Did you do it 'cause,
you know, this place?

No, I didn't do it
because of this place.

Whatever you say, bro. I'm
just here to support, not judge.

Hey, prepare for
a mind explosion.

Hmm?

I'm on the list of the top
25 docs in all Manhattan.

I don't know what
to say about that.

Yeah, I know. Right?

I bought all this crap
so I won't, you know,

get you into any
trouble with your boss.

I am my boss.

Yeah? They pay you decent?

That's personal, Coop.

Come on, seriously?

With me, there's no
such thing as too personal.

I already knew that
about you, Coop.

We kind of have a shorthand,
right? Don't you think?

A little bit? Hmm? You and me.

Sending somebody a text?

Nope. Tweeting.

Ah.

Just letting people
know where I am.

What people?

My followers. I have 240.

You should try
it. A guy like you

would probably
have 100 at least.

Yeah. No, thanks.

So just so you know, if you
need anything, or just want to talk,

you're on my way to work. I
can drop in any time you want.

So anyway, who told
you? Was it Jackie?

It's all over the hospital
that you tried to kill yourself.

Shit.

No worries, man.

I sent out a tweet saying
you were totally alive.

Please don't do that.

You're right.

It's probably still pretty
much an open wound for you.

But Jackie told you, right?

No, I think it was
Thor, the diabetic.

So did she say anything, Jackie?

Truth be told, we're not
exactly talking at the moment.

In fact, I had to file a
complaint against her

with Akalitus, for
insubordination.

I will crush her!

Well, I should get to work.

You sure you're okay?

Yeah.

Listen, sometimes
I get migraines.

I mixed some meds,
I drank a few beers.

It was a mistake, no big deal.

I'm good. In fact, I'm
great. Tell everybody, or not.

Whatever you say, bro.

All right, man.

Yeah.

So anyway, she left the house,

I just chucked the whole
thing in the garbage.

I know that if she had her way,

she would be Mrs. Ginny Peyton,

I would be going home
to some other dude.

If you want to avoid
people from your past,

I recommend moving
to another country.

Worked for me.

Another thing, I don't
want Kaitlyn's snottiness

to rub off on Grace.

Snot is viral,
snottiness is not.

So anyway, I talked to Kevin

about your idea of a
gift for the girls and I...

It just makes him uncomfortable.

Do you know what would
make him really uncomfortable?

A daughter who's a lap dancer.

Take the money. Get
them an education.

Okay.

"Twenty-five best
doctors in Manhattan"?

"Number 23. All Saints
Hospital, Dr. Fitch Cooper"?

How did this happen?

So... It's a bloody outrage.

Where the fuck am I?

What do we got? Dog bite.

Severe facial laceration.
Lost a lot of blood.

Heart rate's through the roof.

This guy wasn't
bitten. He was mauled.

Great Dane bit him in the face

after he tried
to resuscitate it.

He tried to resuscitate
a Great Dane?

The Garden. North
Hampton dog show.

Dog had a heart attack
during Best of Breed.

Danes are inbred and
have oversized hearts.

The guy's wife is
out there freaking.

On my count. One, two, three.

What'd he say? I have no idea.

IV morphine.

And page maxillofacial.

That's because he
can't just say "plastics."

My nuts.

Did he just say "my nuts"?

Let's have a look.

Oh, man.

What?

Well, his scrotum is intact,
but it's just hanging there.

It's apparently empty. Empty?

Yes, empty.

Holy shit. His testicles
have migrated...

Migrated. Like birds.

Into his pelvic wall.

They can do that?

It's very rare. I've never
actually seen it before,

but it's an automatic anatomic
response to attack by predator.

You know, back
in the olden days?

Primitive man versus
saber-toothed tiger.

It's not that big of a deal.

It's just really painful.

Better page urology, too.

No. Hey, that's my
call. I get to say that.

Page urology.

Mrs. Fogulson?

How's my husband?

Uh, well, the facial
wounds are pretty severe.

Oh, my God.

But we have the best
plastic surgeons in the city,

so he's in very good hands.

I feel horrible.

We'll probably be banned
from the kennel club.

But he did save
Bartholomew's life.

Is that right?

Do you have dogs? No.

Why not?

Kids. Lots of kids.

Kids love dogs.

My boys are allergic.

Zyrtec. We don't
take pills in our family.

By the way, your husband's
testicles have migrated.

Migrated?

We'll let you know as
soon as we find them.

God, these gloves are
so tight, I feel like O.J.

That's the third time
you've said that today.

Oh, like your material's fresh.

Are you wearing eye shadow?

No. Maybe. Why?

You look nice.

Back off.

Dr. Cooper, this just came
to my office by mistake.

Apparently, it's
from your mothers.

Ooh!

How on earth did that happen?

Just getting a
little recognition

for all my good work, I guess.

You paid a
publicist, didn't you?

I have a publicist, yes,

but that is not why I
was chosen for the list

of the best 25
doctors in Manhattan.

But you do pay a
publicist, am I right?

No. Wow.

You paid a publicist.

You can stop saying that now.

Congratulations, Dr. Cooper.

Yes, congratulations would seem
to be in order, so congratulations.

Twenty-three out of 25
people. Twenty-three.

Out of a lot.

Hey, would you mind putting
this in my office for me?

Just be careful with it.

Do I look like a pack
mule to you, Dr. Cooper?

No.

You do know he just made a list

of the 25 best doctors
in Manhattan, right?

Yes, I heard.

He paid a publicist.

He did?

Yes, of course he did.
How do you know that?

He told me.

Ah! Shit. Shit!

What have you done?

I messed up my hand
on that gurney transfer.

Middle finger. Oh, shit.

Dislocated?

It's better than fucking
up my back, I guess.

Want me to have a look?

Thanks.

It's too bad. I had a long list
of people I was gonna flip off.

I guess I'll have to wait.

Yes, well, we'll have you
expressing your hostility in no time.

What is this American
obsession with lists, huh?

Top 10 this, top 20 that.

Nice manicure, by the way.

Ow, ow. Okay, ow!

Thanks. My sister
has a salon on Sullivan.

See? That's what
I'm talking about.

Word of mouth,
not some poxy list.

Ah!

That really hurts.

Yeah, because it's
really out of joint.

As if being on a list could
make you a better doctor.

Ah!

Oh, I'm gonna puke.

Yes, well, you better not.

I think I need to lie down.

Want me to wrap that for you?

Hey. You just
punched in my number.

No, I most certainly did not.

Yes, you did. 11-19-86.
That's my birthday.

11-19-66 is what I punched in.

That's not my PIN number.

No, it most certainly is not.

I can't believe your PIN number

is almost exactly
the same as mine.

Yes, it's called coincidence.

Can I help you with something?

Oh, we just got this guy whose
cell phone exploded in his face,

second-degree burns.

Got to get him some morphine
from the gumball machine.

"The gumball machine."

Yeah, I just made that up on
the spot. It's pretty cool, huh?

Are you wearing perfume?

No. Why?

Is it bad? Does it make
me smell like an old lady?

No, but I am pretty sure Mrs.
Akalitus is wearing the same thing.

I need you for
half the next shift.

Me specifically?

I need someone to cover
triage for half the shift.

All right.

What is it that you're doing?

Tweeting.

Why do you feel
the need to do this?

Because he doesn't
have any real friends.

As a matter of fact, I
do. His name is Eddie,

and I just saw him this morning.

How's he doing? Great!

He works over at Excelsior
Drugs right around the corner,

but if you followed
me on Twitter,

you would've known
that three hours ago.

Fascinating.

You're being sarcastic,
I can tell, but it is.

Jump on the social
networking train.

You won't regret it.

Could you find out, let's say,

what Bellevue's lowest bid
on medical waste removal is?

It doesn't work like that.

How about the fat content of a
lemon bar? Could it tell me that?

No.

Then what good is it?

Can I help you?

Are you wearing
L.A.M.B. by Gwen Stefani?

Yeah, I didn't think so.

Ah, if you're gonna drink,
you're gonna do it outside.

No problemo.

Kev? KEVIN: .Hey, babe.

Listen, I'm gonna need
you to be at the house

when the girls get there, okay?

I got to cover half the
next shift. No, no, I can't.

I'm heading to Jamaica Bay
to pick up the new barstools.

You're kidding me.

Uh, all right. Who are
we gonna get to be there?

Well, I could call Ginny. She
said she's always available.

Oh, yes, I have no
doubt, and absolutely not.

Why not? She's right
here in the neighborhood.

Because I don't want that woman
alone in our house, that's why not.

She wouldn't be alone.
She'd be with the girls.

You know, if you had called me
earlier, we might have more options.

Do not call Ginny Flynn.

Who's watching the bar?

I'm gonna lock it up
for a couple of hours.

You couldn't have had the
stools delivered, for Christ's sake?

Are you giving me a hard time because
for once I'm the one stuck at work?

Do not call Ginny Flynn.

If I don't get this guy upstairs

and get into these
facial wounds,

he's gonna suffer more tissue
damage than he already has.

And I just need 10
minutes in the OR

to pull his testicles back down.

- That can wait, Foner.
- Fuck you, Lindsey.

Do you have any idea what
kind of pain this guy's in?

You're saying, what, his
severely mauled face isn't painful?

Apparently, that's
a matter of opinion.

You have no idea what
you're talking about.

Not good. They've been
going at it for almost 10 minutes.

You do boob jobs.

Augmentation and reconstruction.

Reconstructing
flat-chested strippers.

This is not in the least
bit cosmetic, pally.

Hey, guys? Come on,

it's the holy grail of urology.

You're pathetic.

What's that, honey?

Do my balls.

Okay. That was, "Do my balls."

Told you.

We got a guy in three
with second-degree burns

in the shape of his cell phone.

Can you take him up to surgery?

Don't worry, honey. We'll put
everything back where it belongs.

Cell phone burn. Did you get...

Fourth floor. Thanks.

Zoey.

Who is he?

Not an actual person, just a
location. Party on Staten Island.

But there will be people there?

Yes.

And there will be one
particular person. So...

Hair down. Good call.

I think you should
refrain from discussing

personal information
about co-workers.

What are you talking about?

About Coop having a publicist.

Are you serious?

I am. Very serious.

I thought you didn't
even like that guy.

That is beside the point.

Wow.

You are gonna bust my balls
every chance you get, aren't you?

No, no, no, no. You
were just drinking.

No. Miss, do you
understand what I'm saying?

No.

No. That's bullshit.

Here. Pay attention.

Formula.

My God. I don't think
I've ever seen you eat.

I like to hide my
humanity, Dr. O'Hara.

Or at least keep
it to a minimum.

Mmm.

Is there room for
two on that savior?

I don't want his career, or the
attention, or the magazine articles.

Is this Dr. Cooper?

I come to work, I
keep my head down,

I do my best, which is
pretty damn impressive.

And some knob with a
square jaw and a publicist

starts prancing around like a...

Oh, it's demoralizing.

It is.

And you wonder,

"What is my incentive to
keep bringing my best?"

I've been at All
Saints since 1978.

Oh, my God! That's 30...

Stop doing the math.

Do you really care what a
group of magazine editors

that dole out stars for the
best street burrito and eyeliner

think about
healthcare providers?

No.

If I want anything, it's to know

that you know I'm
a better physician.

Does it help to know that
you're in my all-time top five?

Wait. Who are the other four?

No, that's licorice.

Oh, he's the licorice?

Oh, yeah. He's Lord
Licorice. I see. Hey, honey.

Hey. Eddie. I'm
a friend of Kevin's.