Nurse Jackie (2009–2015): Season 2, Episode 2 - Twitter - full transcript

Previously on Nurse Jackie...

Are you okay?

I am executive of
my mother's estate

and, as such, it
would mean the world

if I could set up a
college fund for the girls,

if for no other
reason than taxes.

Ladies, this is Sam.
He's our new RN.

You know I dismissed him

because he was
wacked out on benzos.

He successfully completed
a rehabilitation program.

I have a stack of glowing
recommendations on my desk.



Can we get something
straight right now?

You and I are not
buddies. You got it?

If you say so.

You missed one.
It doesn't matter.

The sun's going to explode and
eat up all the other planets anyways.

Wow. That's nice.

It's the ring I could
never afford to give her.

I still can't.

How am I supposed to know?

He wears a big fucking
bracelet that says, "I am diabetic."

I need to lodge a formal
complaint against a nurse.

Super.

What do we got?

Jackie, really. Go.



Goodness, that took a long time.

I was using an iron
that was not plugged in.

Fiona says Grace has
been getting up at night

and unplugging appliances.

Is that true?

Faulty wiring causes
more house fires

than cigarettes and
arson combined.

Where did you hear that?

This is the best smoke
detector they make.

It's also a carbon
monoxide detector.

I've been saving my
allowance to buy it.

Sweetie, thank you,

but your allowance is for fun
things like toys and stickers.

Here, sit down, sweetie.
Eat your breakfast.

Hey, Gracie, let Mom and Dad
worry about smoke detectors, okay?

Put your money away.

I just don't want the
house to burn down.

Thank you.

Wow.

You know the number one
ingredient in hotdogs is cancer?

I partied like a
20-year-old last night.

Managed to score
some grade A ecstasy.

Dvornoff in psych told me
it would only last six hours

and it's been nine!

Still going strong.

You know, I think my mother's
death ripped something open in me.

You have wonderful
daughters, Jacks. Cherish them.

I will. My goodness.

Do they know I'm
their godmum yet?

Well, as it turns out, I have
not had that conversation

with Kevin yet... Just
call them. Call them.

And then let's all go to the
St. Regis for lunch, just us girls.

The girls are in school.

Oh, we'll yank them out.

Love is more
important than reading!

Maybe I'll just catch a taxi
and then go, no one will notice...

Right now? No. You're staying
right here. Do not go anywhere.

Stay right here. With me. Taxi!

You're here. Stay here.

Hey, guys.

Was that a walk of shame?

I don't want to know.

Do we think that Zoey
got her pipes cleaned?

It's like seeing Santa
naked. It's not right.

That's paper.

Hi. You the parents?

What can I do for
you? It's our son, Harry.

He has a history of
breathing problems.

Our pediatrician said it
could be cystic fibrosis.

We scheduled a
sweat test to be sure,

but it isn't for another month.

He woke up choking.
Could you help him?

Sure.

Harry, my name is Jackie.
Can I listen to your chest? Okay.

Okay. It's restricted, but
he's definitely getting some air.

Harry, do you like
coloring books?

Okay. Why don't I get
you some coloring books

and I'll have a doctor
come and take a look, okay?

I don't like doctors.

Yeah, me neither.

Lennox Hill has newer equipment,

but we can certainly
bundle him up

and give him a sweat
test here, if you like.

That would be great.

Okay. Why don't you sit
tight? I'll take care of that.

And Dr. Cooper will be right in.

Oh, my God!
Dr. O'Hara, I'm so sorry!

Zoey, ma petite fleur!

Zoey, get back to work.

But she's...

Here. Come here.
You, come with me.

Dear Dr. O'Hara,

I would like to
take this opportunity

to thank you for
the lovely scarf.

Ooh. Stationery and stamps.

Stamps!

There are little hearts
there, and there.

Hey, Jackie, Dr. O'Hara.

Hello. Can I help?

Actually... No, we are good.

Your accent, London with
a touch of Sussex, right?

Indeed.

Spent my junior year in England.

I'm kind of an Anglophile.

How convenient. I'm an Anglo.

So, what's going on? Nothing.

We're good. You
can leave, please.

Went clubbing.

Tad dehydrated. Feel
like humping the world.

Did you do a little X?

Chasing your GNTs with a
little Thai stick. Impressive.

Does she have a little problem?

No, her mother just died.

She went out
clubbing last night...

You know what? Get
the hell out of here.

Go!

Bye.

Jacks.

Bored. Need magazines.

Thor, give me your magazines.

What magazines?

Give them to me,
including In Touch.

How can you read this crap?

Please don't amplify my shame.

I know you like In Touch.

Ooh!

Oh, look. Goldie and Kate.

Mother and daughter, together,

just loving each other.

I should've called
my mother more often.

Did you know that
when I was at university,

we used to speak to
each other every day?

No, I didn't.

I'd forgotten how affectionate
she was on the phone.

Speaking of, I can't figure out

how to delete her
from my contacts.

Clearly, you need to give
yourself some time to grieve.

In the meantime,
CT scan, CT scan.

This one needs a full workup,

this one needs a shitload
of Haldol and a psych eval.

Sign off on these. Then
you can read your crap.

Hey! Need a hand?

Oh, hey, man. How you doing?

Great. How are you? Good.

No, I think I can
handle this one. Thanks.

Strong man.

There you go.

So how's everything?
How's the family?

How's your wife? Jackie, right?

Yeah. Good memory. Yeah,
she's good, man. We're good.

Things are great.
Better than ever.

That's nice.

Did she like that
ring you got her?

Did I show you that?
You do pay attention.

Yeah, man, she
loved it. She loved it.

All right. That's
great. That's great.

So how about you, huh?
Haven't seen you for a while.

Yeah. I tried to kill myself.

I OD'd on some drugs
trying to get a girl's attention.

You believe that? Didn't work.

Man. Yeah.

I'm just fucking with you.
I didn't try to kill myself.

Jesus.

You are a sick
fuck. I know, I know.

I got a sick sense
of humor. I'm sorry.

How about a beer?
Yeah. You got a Bud?

Yeah.

To love. To women. To Jackie.

Cheers. Cheers.

How you feeling, little buddy?

Hot.

I guess that was
a silly question.

Anyway, it seems strange, I
know, but it is the standard test

to confirm or eliminate the
diagnosis of cystic fibrosis.

We force Harry to sweat

and then we measure the amount
of chloride in his perspiration.

We know. Jackie
explained everything to us.

Good.

How much longer does
he have to wear all this?

Not much longer.

Then I'll do everything I can

to get you the
test results quickly.

And I'll do everything I
can to make sure he does.

But I'm on it, so...
And I'm on him, so...

I got it.

I'll just check and
I will double check.

A little bit OCD, but not a
bad thing if you're a nurse.

Your son's in good hands.

What are you doing?

Tweeting.

People follow my life online.

I'm sharing my
thoughts with the world.

Are you blogging
about that little boy?

It's not a blog, it's Twitter.

You can't do that. It's private.

Everyone remains
anonymous, except for me.

If I said "cys fib," would you
know that's cystic fibrosis?

If I said "F you," would
you know that's "eat shit"?

Bee-yotch.

That's a nice scarf.

Thanks.

It's from Hermes, which I
think is a pretty good store.

Dr. O'Hara gave it to me.

Oh. Cool. Mmm-hmm.

Does Dr. O'Hara have a problem?

I mean, with the drugs.

No.

Does Jackie?

No.

You sure? Positive.

And since you're asking,
I don't do drugs, either.

Although, when I go to Great
Adventure, I do take Dramamine

'cause once, on Rolling
Thunder, I yacked.

And it was a huge bummer.

I see your sins, for I am God!

That's God.

It's 12:53 pm.

Vermin!

I used to be totally scared
of him, but now, not so much.

Oh. And he's crazy.

Hey, you! Yeah, you, sir,

with the misshapen head,

how do you wake
up in the morning?

I love this guy.

And you!

Hey! You, pizza face!

You shall never marry!

You won't even be
engaged! I am God!

Bow, bow, bow to
me, you sinners and...

Uh-oh. God's down!

A lake of fire will
swallow you up!

Pimps and whores!

On my count, one, two, three.

Get the fuck off me!

I'll smite every one of
you fucking assholes!

He's in psychosis.

Can I have some vitamin
H over here, please?

Haldol, shaken not stirred.

Getting the IV.

This is God, age unknown.

He's probably about 50.
He lives across the street.

Schizophrenic,
currently off meds.

I know this guy.

Got hit in the
head with a bottle.

He told me I was super handsome

like Clark Gable.

I retract!

Let's stitch him up.

You are an angel.

Will you stop fucking
twittering and focus, please?

"Bitchy nurse
being bitchy again."

Don't do that. Don't you
dare twitter about me.

Thanks for telling
me I'm an angel.

When I was younger, I
actually thought I was an angel

because I had a round face.

And I thought about
becoming a nun.

Sound of Music. But I
really like boys, so I didn't.

Not all boys. There's one boy.

More man. Or man-boy.

But he's totally...

It feels really inappropriate

talking about this
with you, God, sir.

You know, when I hit my
head, I seen something.

Like what? Like a bottle
whizzing towards you?

I seen this tunnel

with this incredibly
bright light at the end of it,

but it didn't hurt to look at.

And at the end of the tunnel,

I met the most loving presence.

And I just knew it
was God. I saw God.

But I thought you were God.

I mean, I thought you
thought you were God.

I am God.

So you saw yourself?

No.

So you saw God
and it wasn't you.

Yeah.

So,

I guess that means
that you're not God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my... I'm not God!

I'm not God!

Wait. Calm down.

I'm not God!

I'm not God!

Zoey, handle it.

I'm not God!

Jackie, I found these.

Okay. Where?

Right over here on the floor.

Good catch. I'll take them.

Are they yours?

Are they mine? No.

What is hospital policy
regarding lost or found drugs?

Don't worry about
it. I'll take care of it.

Whoa. Why so desperate?

Excuse me?

You just seem really anxious
for me to hand them over.

Do you want to get your ass
kicked? Give them to me. Now.

Come with me.

Any unidentifiable drugs or
substances go into the slot.

That is hospital
procedure. Got it?

Pain in my ass.

Hey. Hey, babe.

Listen, Luis is a
firefighter, right?

Yeah.

Is he there?

Yeah, he's here.

Can you do me a favor? Can
you ask him to go over to the house

and explain to Grace that the
house will not just burn down?

Maybe that'll ease
her mind a little bit?

That's a great idea.

All right. Love you.

Love you, too. Bye.

The wife? Yeah.

I fucking love beer nuts.

Come in.

Hi. A few things.

First of all, Coop
will not stop twittering.

It is interfering with work
and it's pissing me off.

That's interesting.

Dr. Cooper lodged a
formal complaint against you.

Against me? Really? For what?

Insubordination and
general bitchiness.

Fucking A. Twitter
tweetering fucking dickhead.

Anything else?

Yes. This Sam guy,

like every newly-sober person,

he's convinced that everyone
around him is an addict.

It's like the born-again guy
we had last year. I'm just saying.

Also, one of my nurses
needs a pediatric psych referral.

Which one?

She'd rather not say.

Be helpful if I knew how old the
child was before making a referral.

Yes, well, she's a
very private person

and she would rather not have
everyone know her personal life.

I would say the kid's between,

I don't know, seven and 12.

Gender?

Look, she wants
a list of shrinks

that take our insurance and
she wants it anonymously.

You know what? Forget about it.

Jackie.

Here is the best child
psychiatrist I know,

and she takes our health plan.

Thank you.

She was tremendously
helpful with my boy.

Thanks.

Hi, I have the
family of a little boy

waiting for the results
of a CF sweat test.

I would really love
to send them home.

I can only give the results to
the doctor who ordered the tests.

I know. Dr. Cooper
really wants the results,

but he's in with a
trauma right now.

And if the test is positive,
I need to set up an IV...

Look, I'd really like to help
you out here, but I can't.

Okay.

Everything's really
preliminary at this point,

so it's just better
not to give out. Sorry.

How old?

Three months.

Smiling yet? Mmm-hmm.

It's really awful
when they get sick.

What's the name?

Miller, first name Harry.

The whole run's not complete,
but the prelims look good.

Thank you. Mmm-hmm.

Okay, so I went to the
lab and talked to the tech.

You have to keep in mind that the
doctor has not seen the results yet,

but so far they are
looking very good.

Thank God.

So why don't you all go
home and get some rest?

Thank you so much.
You've been so wonderful.

Really? We can take him home?

Yeah. I would.

Just... Thank you.

See you, Harry.

Say bye. Bye.

I'm telling you,
man, it's great.

You can see the
lights of Citi Field.

It's way brighter
than Shea used to be.

You been yet, to Citi?

Not yet.

You want to go sometime?

My brother gets me tickets.

I would love that. Cool.

Islanders, too. No shit.

Would I shit you?

Thor?

It's not what you think.

Donuts. Really?

You already lost
one eye, am I right?

How did you know?

Today in trauma with God,

I had my hand next to your face

for about 20 minutes
before you saw it.

Also, I kind of just
used my Spidey sense.

You are the only one who knows.

I haven't even told
my new boyfriend yet.

Thanks for covering.

It's a shell. It's porcelain.

They paint it to
match my other eye.

It's great. You
would never know.

You want to see?

Sure.

Wow, will you look at you?

What do you think
of the new guy, Sam?

Oh.

I think he's really smart
and incredibly cute.

And I think he's probably
an excellent nurse.

I don't like him.

He's dead to me.

Go on, yell at someone.

I don't want to.

Oh, come on.
You're so good at it.

Ooh.

Look at the bald dude.

Say, "Hey, baldy,
you're all bald.

"Grow some hair, you idiot."

What's the point? I'm not God.

Oh, sure you are.

I'm not. I've seen
God, and he wasn't me.

That doesn't mean anything.

It means everything.

It means I'm not God. It
means my life is a sham.

Well, Jesus wasn't God.

So?

But he's still, like,
really important

in the religious
hierarchal stratification.

So maybe you're like Jesus.

Uh-huh.

Okay, Jesus was the son of God.

So maybe you're, like,
the nephew of God,

or the brother-in-law of God.

I like where this is going.

Hey, you, strumpet
with the thinning hair!

I can see your soul! You whore!

Lather, rinse, repeat!
That's how they'll get you!

Where's the sweat-test kid?

I sent them home.

Why don't you run to Akalitus
and lodge a formal complaint?

What do you mean,
you sent them home?

What don't you understand?

They were sitting
here for over six hours

while you were dicking
around somewhere.

So I went to the
lab, I got the results,

which were negative in
case you're interested,

and I sent them home.

Negative.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Excuse me?

Those test results
were preliminary.

I was waiting for
the final results,

which, by the
way, were positive.

The kid's got cystic fibrosis.

Oh, fucking God, no.

Yeah. Harry and his
family are home celebrating,

and now it's my job
to pick up the phone

and tell them that their kid's
not going to live to see 30.

What's the matter?
No snappy comeback?

Let me call them?

Have a nice goddamn night.