Not Going Out (2006–…): Season 8, Episode 1 - Christmas Shopping - full transcript
Lee and heavily pregnant Lucy are in a department store, where Frank is one of Santa's elves, on Christmas Eve and, along with Daisy, Anna and Toby, they are accidentally locked in at closing time before being taken prisoner by a gun-toting robber in a Santa Claus mask. Lee has a plan to bluff him, taking advantage of Lucy's condition, leading to a chase around the store, a few revelations and a happy event before the robber is finally thwarted.
♪ We're not going out
♪ Not staying in
♪ Just hanging around
With my head in a spin
♪ But there is no need
to scream and shout
♪ We're not going out
♪ We are not going out. ♪
SINISTER LOW NOTE
CHATTER
Ho, ho, ho!
CRASH
Well, that wouldn't have happened if
somebody knew how to park in a bay
properly.
Somebody that shouldn't be allowed
behind the wheel of a... Hello!
You want to be more careful.
Otherwise next time,
you'll be parking over there.
Well, that's a disabled space.
Oh, it's a threat. I get it!
Well, as long as you're OK.
Oh, yeah. Don't worry about me.
I'm fine.
Oh, God!
Are you OK? Oh, oh!
I'm fine. It was only a little bump.
So was that, a few months ago.
Now you can barely walk.
Are you sure it's all right?
By "it", you mean our baby?
Yeah, all right. Yeah.
I told you, it's not as easy to bond
at this stage when you're the father.
It's all right for you.
Carrying it around all the time
for nine months, everywhere you go,
feeling it kicking you all the time.
Yeah, I appreciate I drew the long
straw. Just go and pick your dad up.
Oh, and while you're in there,
can you get me some Vagisil?
I beg your pardon?
Vagisil.
What the hell is that?
What does it sound like?
Um, character from Game of Thrones?
It is a cream for intimate
feminine relief.
I might need it after
the baby comes.
I'm not asking for that, my love.
Great. I'll have to come with you,
then, won't I?
Why are you bringing
the birthing bag?
If baby is due at any minute, this
bag stays by my side at all times.
We're going to a department store,
not on safari.
I'd ask for this cream if it had a
proper name. Like what? I don't know.
Thrushblaster 2000?
SINISTER LOW NOTE
SHE PLAYS JINGLE BELLS
OK, I'll meet you in the gift-wrap
department in a sec.
Oh, and do us a favour, David.
Don't say anything to Lee's
dad about Christmas Day tomorrow.
He doesn't know.
No, he knows it's Christmas Day,
he just doesn't know you're
joining us for lunch.
OK, bye.
There's still time to invite him,
you know.
There's still time to put
a sprig of holly on him to serve him
up as a plum pudding.
It doesn't mean I'm going to do it.
I think you need to start giving him
a chance.
I've been giving him
a chance my whole life.
It's all right for you.
You were brought up properly.
Your parents made you the sweet,
well adjusted, slightly anxious,
neurotic, borderline OCD
control freak that I love.
But my upbringing was different.
And cue Hovis music. You know
what my dad was like.
He was hardly around. Look.
Just because your dad wasn't
exactly perfect,
it's doesn't mean you won't be.
And anyway, he's making a real
effort lately. He's got this job.
And maybe becoming
a grandparent is making him
want to gain some self-respect
and dignity.
Merry Christmas, son.
Go on - hurry up, Dad,
and get changed.
I don't want people seeing you in the
car dressed like a pornographic
hobbit.
Oh, hello.
Oh, hi.
Brought Lee to visit Santa,
have you, Lucy?
Santa has just left,
but, er, you can sit on MY knee,
if you like, love.
Oh, um, sorry. Toby and Anna,
our neighbours, Frank - Lee's dad.
I know. He's not what you'd expect.
No, he's pretty much exactly
what I'd expect.
Hello, everyone.
Hello, Daisy.
Didn't expect to see you.
Not going away for Christmas, then?
Yes. Oh, far, far away.
To the land of... parents.
Oh, that's nice.
Christmas is a time for families to
be together. Isn't it, Daisy? Yes.
No.
Maybe.
Right, does anyone fancy
a Christmas Eve drink?
Well, I don't see why...
I don't see why.
Sorry,
we don't have time to go to a bar.
Who says anything about a bar?
Come into my grotto.
There's enough booze
stacked in here to kill a reindeer.
Is that how you pitch it to the kids?
TANNOY BING-BONGS
'Ladies and gentlemen,
just to remind you that
'as it is Christmas Eve, the store
will be closing in five minutes.'
SINISTER LOW NOTE
Honestly, we don't have time.
Jack's coming home this evening.
Our two-year-old son. Anna's parents
have taken him to Lapland. Aw!
How lovely for him. Be a nice
break for Anna, too.
I don't need a break from Jack.
No, of course not.
Christ,
you throw one mug against a wall
and suddenly you're
seen as somebody who can't cope.
So - we need to go, Toby.
Before the store closes.
Oh, you don't
have to worry about that, love.
I've got an arrangement with
the security guys.
They'll be over in a minute,
when everybody's out
and they've locked up.
Actually, last week, they put
different guards on who I didn't
know.
I ended up having to shimmy up
a Christmas tree,
climb into a ventilator shaft
and get out over the roof!
Well, why not? Now we know there's
an exit strategy.
So, what do you do, Toby?
I'm a doctor. Really?
Can I show you something? No. No.
Drink, Daisy? Oh, just a small one
for me, thanks, Frank.
I don't want to be
drunk for midnight mass.
I didn't know you were religious.
Oh, yes.
I'm not one of these people who only
celebrates Christmas once a year.
Ah!
'OK, Mike. That's everybody out.
'Just going to do this one final
door and we're in lockdown.'
'Mike?'
So, you're three days late, Lucy?
Are you booked in for a sweep?
A what?
The obstetrician manually draws
aside the cervical membranes
to stimulate labour. A sweep.
And if that doesn't work,
d'you send Sooty up?
Right, who's
ready for the Christmas presents?
I'm fine, thank you.
I actually believe we've lost
the true meaning of Christmas.
These days, it's all about spending
money. Don't worry about that.
He's nicking them.
Oh, OK, then. Why not!
OK, Mike. I am done.
Time for that willing bevvy!
Mike?
Oof!
Aw! Nothing says Christmas quite
like a Widowmaker 450 Ping-pong
Exterminator.
Oh. A teddy bear. How... nice.
Maybe you can give it to Jack.
Really?
I was going to keep it for myself
and give our two-year-old a bread
knife this year.
I do have some maternal instincts,
you know.
'Kiss my ass'.
Oh! How festive.
That's not an official store
present. No, no.
I just keep them on standby in case
any of the kids are irritating me.
Yeah, because sometimes a geriatric
elf wearing women's tights
and stinking of Special Brew isn't
quite traumatising enough.
Oh, a baseball.
Just what I've always wanted.
If I was 12 and from Wyoming.
Sorry, these presents are more
aimed at the kiddies. Oh, wow!
Craft scissors. How did you know?
Toby, we need to go - now. No, no.
We've got to wait for Bill and Mike.
They've got the keys. It'll all be
locked up. Well, where are they?
I don't know. They're taking ages.
Well, I'm not just waiting in here.
Neither am I.
Do you play baseball?
I'm not swapping.
It's locked.
You must have some way of opening it.
Do I look like I've got magical
powers?
Hello!
Oh, don't do that. I'm not meant to
be here after closing.
I could lose my job. Lose your job?
I'm sorry to break it to you, Dad,
but there's limited opportunities
for elves in January.
We need to find these guards now.
Bring the bag.
I'm not her husband. I'm her caddie.
You three stay here.
I'll just check the first floor.
You know who I blame for this,
don't you? Me. Why?
Saves you doing it.
Hello?
Hello! Anyone there?
HE WHISTLES RUDOLF
THE RED-NOSED REINDEER
Is that you, Mike?
Just a couple of mince pies.
No harm done.
Surely I get a verbal warning first?
Security guards.
They're like policeman, aren't they?
Never around when you want one.
No, I mean they're like policeman,
aren't they?
Don't worry. I'm sure
someone will be along soon.
See?
Where the hell are these guards?
We should never have
gone for that drink.
It's my dad's fault, as ever.
You can say what you want about
Frank, but I bet he would have
offered to get Vagisil.
He'd have offered to apply at!
DISCORDANT NOTES
When I say run, run!
All right, when I say waddle, waddle!
DISCORDANT NOTES
SHE GASPS
In here. Quick, phone the police.
Oh, God. It's all right.
I think we're safe in here.
MUFFLED GRUNTS
ALL: Mmmmmmm!
Oh, good.
You found the security guard, then.
Typical. Running out of sticky
tape on Christmas Eve!
No need for any of that with me.
I'll just sit here nice and quiet.
My lips are sealed.
Well, they're not, but...
I'll shut up.
Um, excuse me.
I was just wondering, um,
when you've finished -
and may I say what an excellent job
doing, very professional -
when you've finished, you're not
going to hurt anybody, are you?
I mean, it's not like we can describe
you, or anything.
Long white beard.
Rides around in a sleigh,
getaway driver had a bright red nose.
So there's no need for any, um,
unnecessary violence.
We won't phone the police.
Play safe. Smash them up.
Honestly, just leave us here.
THEY ALL SCREAM
Mmmm!
What the hell are you doing, telling
him to leave us here? Why didn't you
tell him I was pregnant?
I'm pretty sure he could see.
Unless he thought you'd recently won
a trolley dash at Greggs!
Yeah, but you didn't say
I was already three days overdue.
I think he had other
things on his mind.
Yeah, like smashing up
all our phones on your suggestion.
We're trapped now, you idiot! But
what about the other security guard?
He's probably out there
lying unconscious, as well.
Well, when the other guards turn
up for work, they'll let us go.
When's the next shift?
In an hour? Two hours?
In the morning?
You're not telling me the special
crack commando unit of Brownie
leaders are the only security on
until Boxing Day?
I shouldn't even be here. I should
be outside, waiting in the car.
Why couldn't you have just
said Vagisil?
It's OK. Toby and Anna's kid is due
back from Lapland any minute now.
When the grandparents report
these two missing,
the police will trace their phones
and find us.
Jack isn't coming home
until the 29th.
But you said you couldn't join us
for a drink cos you had to get
back for him.
Well, there's a very
good reason I said that. What?
I don't like you. Nice.
So you sent your child away
over Christmas?
Christmas can be a very stressful
time. Tell me about it.
How the hell are we going to
get out of here?
Mmm! Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm! Mmmm!
What about Daisy's parents?
They'll miss her tonight
if she doesn't show up.
What?
Can I have the tape back on, please?
Oh, I get it.
She's having Christmas with you.
You lied, so you wouldn't have to
ask me.
Nice.
What, is anyone expecting you,
Frank?
No, I was going to have it at home.
Alone.
So no-one is going to miss any of us.
We're trapped in here
till Boxing Day.
So do something - quick!
Or you might be delivering this
baby with your teeth!
LEE ON TANNOY:
'Robber to R7, Robber to R7.
'Just my little joke there to
lighten the tension. Don't worry,
I haven't escaped.
'I pressed the Tannoy
button with my nose. And everyone
else is still bound and gagged.
LUCY: 'Let me out, you absolute...'
TANNOY BING-BONGS
Apart from her. She's not gagged.
Ignore them, please.
'Just go away and leave us alone.'
'Actually, she's not gagged, either.
But everyone else is.'
DAISY: 'I'm definitely still gagged.'
Anyway, you probably noticed my wife
is very heavily pregnant.
In fact,
she's three days late already.
I know, it doesn't show, but that's
because she's the type where it's
all gone on her arse. Whatever.
LUCY: 'I'm telling you now,
you sick mother...'
TANNOY BING-BONGS
Will you stop swearing!
Pressing this bing-bong
is killing my nose.
For God's sake, stop him!
Hang on, let me finish.
'You can't leave, because...
'..she's just gone into labour.'
Have you completely lost your mind?
Can you scream convincingly? Why not?
I got away with
it at the conception.
TANNOY BING-BONGS AND LUCY SCREAMS
'You must have brought it on with
the shock you caused.'
So if you do nothing to help,
you could be going down for a very,
very long time.
LUCY SCREAMS
What the hell are you doing?
There's no way he'll believe
Lucy's in labour, you idiot!
He might kill us all!
He's certainly going to wonder why
the waters haven't broken.
Well, you'd better
think of something. And quick!
Can you - you know?
Wet your dress a bit? On demand?
No, Lee, I can't.
I happen to have a pelvic floor.
And that's how you know
it's her first baby.
Daisy, use that water.
This is madness, you idiots!
We're doing this for our baby.
Forget it, Lucy. She's not even
bothered about her own kids.
She's hardly going to empathise
with ours. How dare you!
I get a little stressed at times,
but that does NOT make
me a bad mother.
No, but not having Christmas Day
with your child does!
So, does not having it with
your father make you a bad son?
That's different. Why?
Because a child doesn't just take,
take, take, with nothing in return.
You are in for a massive shock
when the baby is born.
He's getting closer.
Hurry up!
Oh, sorry. I think
this is sparkling water.
I'm sure it'll be fine.
Yeah. I'll just tell him my clacker
doubles up as a bloody soda stream!
Where's he gone?
God, I hope
we don't live to regret this.
I mean,
I hope we do live to regret this.
I mean, I hope we do live to not...
regret this.
THEY ALL SCREAM
Argh!
Thank God you're here.
The baby is coming.
Isn't that right, doctor?
That seems to be the case.
How frequent are your contractions?
Every ten seconds.
They wouldn't be every ten seconds,
Lee.
She's a pregnant woman,
not an accordion!
Would you say they're about every
three minutes?
I would say that they
were about every three minutes.
A clear indication of advanced
labour.
Especially given the effervescence
of the amniotic fluid.
A sure-fire sign of imminent birth.
Or a very farty baby.
Argh!
You've got to let us go.
ALL: Oh!
Argh!
Stand and deliver!
Hang on. She can't go on her own.
She's about to give birth.
Good idea. Take the doctor.
But what about me? I'm the father.
Just like the conception -
I've got to be there.
Argh!
Please!
Bring the birthing bag. Why?
Because you're having the baby,
so we need it.
Very good of you, this.
And don't you worry about us
contacting the police when we get
out.
We'll be tied up with this little
lady for a while.
In fact, you've probably got time for
some last-minute Christmas shopping.
In fact, why don't you have a
bowl of vegetable crisps on us?
Actually, I think they're off.
The exit's that way.
What?
I think we're supposed
to deliver it here.
Then he's going to lock us
all up in that room again.
She can't have the baby in here.
Tell him, Doctor. Tell him why
she can't have the baby in here.
There's not enough... light.
HE COCKS GUN
He's not letting them go.
When he finds out they're lying,
he's coming to get very angry
and kill us all.
The only question is in what order.
I reckon he'll get very angry first,
and then kill us all.
He's not going to kill anyone.
Really?
Try telling your friend that.
He's not dead.
Is he?
Hello?
Are you dead?
Blink once for yes and twice for no.
SHE BLOWS
LUCY EXHALES LIGHTLY
Do something. Like what?
I don't know, you're supposed to be
a doctor.
A doctor, yeah, not a conjuror.
There are... complications,
aren't there, Doctor?
That's a bloody understatement.
He says this baby is beached.
Breached.
Oh, God.
Yes, breached, which
means it's... stuck in the...
U-bend bit.
This woman needs professional help.
You need professional help.
You see? I told you he was dead.
Harder. OK.
MUFFLED SCREAM
TANNOY BING-BONGS
THUD
OVER TANNOY: Well, he wasn't dead,
but he might be now.
Let me check. I'll bite him again.
Just leave him.
We'll all be dead anyway when that
lunatic realises Lucy's faking it.
What does that red light mean on the
microphone?
Oh, God! What have I said?!
You said, "We'll all be dead when
that lunatic realises Lucy's faking
it."
Turn it off!
TANNOY BING-BONGS
I hope you're good at your job,
Doctor,
cos I'm about to do some
serious damage.
LUCY GASPS
Hang on.
It's you. From the car park.
I recognise your voice.
Yeah, that's right.
I remember your face, as well.
Green eyes, scar above the cheekbone,
right nostril slightly bigger
than the other.
Photographic memory, me.
Police artist's dream.
Hey.
Don't worry, Lucy.
He knows when the game's up.
Something tells me he's just
going to turn round
and walk straight out of this store.
He's not going to hurt anybody...
HE YELLS
Oh! I was never a good
judge of character.
HE YELLS
SMASHING
DRAWERS SMASH
LUCY GASPS
We've got to help them! How?
SMASHING
LUCY GASPS
LUCY BREATHES HEAVILY
HE COCKS GUN
FROM RADIO: It's Christma-a-as!
Well, did the lights go out?
MUSIC: Merry Christmas Everybody
by Slade
♪ Are you hanging up...? ♪
Oh, God.
♪ ..a stocking on your wall? ♪
GUNSHOT AND SMASHING
GUNSHOT
♪ It's the time that every Santa
has a ball... ♪
GUNSHOT AND SCREAMING
♪ Does he ride a red-nose reindeer?
♪ Does he turn up on his sleigh?
♪ Do the fairies keep him sober
for a day?
♪ So here it is, Merry Christmas
♪ Everybody's having fun... ♪
GUNSHOT
♪ Look to the future now... ♪
Oh, you and that bloody bag!
♪ It's only just begun
♪ Are you waiting for the... ♪
Stay calm. He can't see us.
♪ Are you sure you've got the...? ♪
Can't he?
♪ Does your granny always tell you
♪ That the old songs are the best? ♪
GUNSHOT AND SCREAMING
Well, I can't find the light switch,
but at least I've managed to
stop the music.
CRYING
Oh, God!
Shall I see if they've got
anything by George Michael?
Christmas shopping,
always a nightmare, isn't it?
If you're trying to stop a bullet,
can I suggest hiding behind a pan
and not a colander?
LIGHT TAP
THEY GASP
COLANDER CLINKS
FOOTSTEPS APPROACH
FAST FOOTSTEPS
FAST HEARTBEAT
OMINOUS MUSIC
DOOR SQUEAKS
OPENS LOUDLY
FASTER HEARTBEAT
LOUD DOOR
FAST HEARTBEAT
OMINOUS MUSIC
FART
COCKS GUN
GUNSHOT
FART
Ho, ho, ho. Excuse me.
FART
HE SIGHS
The worst thing is I've got some
natural yoghurt at home.
That would have done it.
Instead of the Vagisil.
Oh, I'm sorry, Lucy. I've let you
down, and the baby.
See? I'm not father material.
It's my dad's fault,
it's in the genes.
Oh, for God's sake, Lee, stop
blaming your dad for everything.
Take some responsibility
and do something!
DRAMATIC MUSIC
OK.
I need a weapon.
Is that it?
Oh, God, I wish
we lived in America!
What are we going to do?
I can't run any more!
You don't have to.
We're going to hide you
whilst I search for an exit.
Hide me? Where?
Isn't that too obvious?
Don't worry, Lucy. It's the last
place he'd think of hiding somebody.
THEY SCREAM
LIFT BEEPS
EVERYONE SCREAMS
HE COCKS GUN
LIFT BEEPS
OMINOUS MUSIC
LIFT MOVING
I sent the lift up with no-one in it.
Fooled him.
Yeah, I expect he'll give up
and go home after that one(!)
What were you thinking,
sneaking up on people
dressed like that? You idiot!
You're the idiot. Why the hell did
you tell him you could identify him?
To stop you getting beaten up.
Oh, yeah, I much prefer being
shot at, you cretin. There you go.
Stop it. We need to get out of here!
I've checked,
the whole place is in lockdown.
So what are we going to do? Escape
from Psycho Claus up the chimney?
That's it.
Remember?
Last week when Dad got locked in -
he escaped up the Christmas tree
and through a vent.
You are not serious.
It'll be fine, Lucy. I promise.
Why not?! It's all in the birthing
plan - drinking liquorice tea,
rubbing cocoa butter on the bump,
and climbing a giant
bloody Norwegian fir tree
while Father Christmas tries to
assassinate me with a BLEEP shotgun!
SHOTGUN COCKS
LIFT DINGS
HE SHOUTS
Hang on.
I've got to go back for Anna.
You're right.
Good luck.
No, Toby's right. God knows
what he'll do to the others.
We need to help them.
How are we supposed to do that?
I've had an idea.
But first, we've got to
get Lucy to a safe place.
GASPING
Does anyone mind if I say a prayer?
You go ahead, love.
For what we are about to receive...
Not that one.
You'll be safe in here, Lucy.
Yeah, because a grotto full
of presents is the last place
you'd think of running
into Father Christmas.
What are you doing? I'm burying him.
You mean he's dead?
That's right, Lee, I'm laying
this man to his eternal rest
in a pile of polystyrene shavings
in a department store grotto.
We can't get him up
the Christmas tree,
so the least we can do is hide
him while we rescue the others.
So, go on, then, how exactly
are we going to do that?
You're going to cause a distraction.
A distraction?
Why don't I run round
and get him to shoot at me(?)
You've got to be kidding me.
Come on, Lee. You've got this in
you, I know you have.
No, I really haven't, Toby
This is not what I do.
It's not in my DNA.
You've met my dad,
Jean-Claude Van Damn-I've-Wet-Myself.
Do you know what, Lee?
Maybe you're right.
Maybe you are the same as your dad.
Maybe it is all in the genes.
Maybe our baby will grow up
to be exactly the same, too,
and, instead of taking any
responsibility, will just
blame you for everything instead.
You don't have to be
the same as your father, Lee.
Please.
You're right. I can do this, Lucy.
For you...
and our baby.
And one more thing, Lucy.
Yeah?
Vagisil.
For the relief of vaginal dryness.
You've made your point.
Well, that's one way
to get Santa's attention.
WHIZZING
GUN COCKS
GUN COCKS
ANNA: What the hell is he doing?
Maybe him and Toby have got a plan.
Toby is many things, but one thing
he is not is the sort of person
that runs around acting like
he's in some sort of movie.
Here's Johnny!
FRANK: I told you these
were quality presents.
Yes, if only you'd wrapped up
a couple of helicopters
and a police SWAT team.
Well, we'll know for next year.
What on earth are you doing?
Forget him.
Well, we can't just leave him
here like a sitting duck.
Don't be stupid, Toby.
You are leaving him here and you're
getting me out. Oh, shut up, Anna.
For once in your life,
you're doing what I say.
We are taking the guard,
we are hiding him, then we are
climbing a 50-foot Christmas tree
whether you like it or not.
Do you bloody understand?
And another thing - I'm not
going to your sister's house
on New Year's Eve. I don't like
her and you can't make me.
Ooh!
Oh, God, please tell me
that's trapped wind.
He'll be safe in there.
But he can't lock himself in.
I'll go in and lock it for him.
PARP!
'Oh, that was nasty.'
BULLET RICOCHETS
I love it
when a plan comes together.
GUNSHOT
GUNSHOT
GUNSHOTS
This is definitely not
part of the birthing plan!
SHE GROANS
All of you, up the tree, now.
GUNSHOT
Me first!
I know the way.
It's up, isn't it?
Yeah.
Remember, just don't look down.
I'm not planning on
looking up, either.
LEE: I'm going to get Lucy.
That shutter won't hold him long,
so be quick.
Be quick? That's a good idea.
I was planning to stop off
at the nail salon!
Come on, Lucy! We're leaving!
Why is the floor wet?
Oh, my God!
The baby's coming. Now? Now.
Now as in right now or as in, "I've
just got time to climb a Christmas
"tree, crawl through an air vent and
run across a roof to safety," now?
RIGHT NOW!
TOBY: Where the hell are they?
Maybe we should go back for them.
Don't be silly.
They'll be fine, I'm telling you.
Our Lee's a very brave lad.
He gets it from me.
GUNSHOT
AARGH!
AARGH!
What are you doing?
I'm looking for the birthing plan!
Screw the birthing plan,
I'm having a baby!
SHE SCREAMS
FRANK: This way!
Wait. We can't just leave them.
He's your son, Frank.
Perhaps they've found
another way out.
Come on, Toby. You've got
your own son to think of.
Frank's right.
We need to start thinking about Jack.
Well, I certainly do.
BABY CRIES
It's a boy. Let me see.
I believe he's a boy, Lee,
let me see his face.
Oh.
Hello, my baby.
GUN COCKS
Good at remembering faces, are you?
Well, take one last look at it.
Oh, actually, it's the left nostril
that's bigger. See, terrible memory.
CLUNK
THUD
I couldn't just leave my new
grandchild here, could I?
Let's have a look at him, then.
Wooargh!
Oops!
Sorry, Bill.
SIRENS WAIL
MUSIC: Let It Snow! Let It Snow!
Let It Snow! by Dean Martin
♪ Oh, the weather outside
is frightful
♪ But the fire is so delightful
♪ And since we've
no place to go... ♪
TOBY: OK, that's great.
Well, thanks for all your help.
And merry Christmas to you. Bye.
BABY GURGLES
Maybe we should call him Holly.
It's more of a girl's name.
Snowy?
It's more of a rabbit's name.
You were amazing in there.
You just did it -
no hospital, no midwife,
and, more importantly...
no birthing plan.
It was easy.
I'm thinking of having the
next baby in a straitjacket,
tied up and handcuffed in a barrel
whilst going over a waterfall.
What do you mean "next baby"?
I better get going. I might
still make it to midnight mass.
Does anyone know
what time it starts?
We'd better go, too.
We're off to meet Jack.
I thought he was in Lapland.
He is. I've booked us
on the next flight.
You should be with your
children at Christmas.
That's something
I've realised tonight.
And I've realised sometimes you
have to stand up for yourself...
Shut up, Toby. We'll miss the plane.
We owe you everything for
what you did in there, Dad.
Maybe you should have a little bit
more faith in those genes.
I wish I had more
faith in these tights.
I'm surprised the police didn't
arrest me for shoplifting baubles.
I wish there was some
way of repaying you.
BABY FUSSES
Oh, yeah. Dad?
Yes, son, what is it?
Would you do us the honour
of joining us for
Christmas dinner tomorrow?
Is that it?
How do you mean?
I thought you were going to
name the baby after me.
Oh. I'm sorry, Frank.
We've already decided on Snowy.
PHONE RINGS
Forgot I had this.
BABY FUSSES
♪ When we finally kiss good night
♪ How I'll hate going out
in the storm
♪ But if you really grab me tight
♪ All the way home I'll be warm
♪ Oh, the fire is slowly dying
♪ And, my dear, we're still goodbying
♪ But as long as you love me so
♪ Let it snow
♪ Let it snow
♪ Let it snow. ♪
♪ Not staying in
♪ Just hanging around
With my head in a spin
♪ But there is no need
to scream and shout
♪ We're not going out
♪ We are not going out. ♪
SINISTER LOW NOTE
CHATTER
Ho, ho, ho!
CRASH
Well, that wouldn't have happened if
somebody knew how to park in a bay
properly.
Somebody that shouldn't be allowed
behind the wheel of a... Hello!
You want to be more careful.
Otherwise next time,
you'll be parking over there.
Well, that's a disabled space.
Oh, it's a threat. I get it!
Well, as long as you're OK.
Oh, yeah. Don't worry about me.
I'm fine.
Oh, God!
Are you OK? Oh, oh!
I'm fine. It was only a little bump.
So was that, a few months ago.
Now you can barely walk.
Are you sure it's all right?
By "it", you mean our baby?
Yeah, all right. Yeah.
I told you, it's not as easy to bond
at this stage when you're the father.
It's all right for you.
Carrying it around all the time
for nine months, everywhere you go,
feeling it kicking you all the time.
Yeah, I appreciate I drew the long
straw. Just go and pick your dad up.
Oh, and while you're in there,
can you get me some Vagisil?
I beg your pardon?
Vagisil.
What the hell is that?
What does it sound like?
Um, character from Game of Thrones?
It is a cream for intimate
feminine relief.
I might need it after
the baby comes.
I'm not asking for that, my love.
Great. I'll have to come with you,
then, won't I?
Why are you bringing
the birthing bag?
If baby is due at any minute, this
bag stays by my side at all times.
We're going to a department store,
not on safari.
I'd ask for this cream if it had a
proper name. Like what? I don't know.
Thrushblaster 2000?
SINISTER LOW NOTE
SHE PLAYS JINGLE BELLS
OK, I'll meet you in the gift-wrap
department in a sec.
Oh, and do us a favour, David.
Don't say anything to Lee's
dad about Christmas Day tomorrow.
He doesn't know.
No, he knows it's Christmas Day,
he just doesn't know you're
joining us for lunch.
OK, bye.
There's still time to invite him,
you know.
There's still time to put
a sprig of holly on him to serve him
up as a plum pudding.
It doesn't mean I'm going to do it.
I think you need to start giving him
a chance.
I've been giving him
a chance my whole life.
It's all right for you.
You were brought up properly.
Your parents made you the sweet,
well adjusted, slightly anxious,
neurotic, borderline OCD
control freak that I love.
But my upbringing was different.
And cue Hovis music. You know
what my dad was like.
He was hardly around. Look.
Just because your dad wasn't
exactly perfect,
it's doesn't mean you won't be.
And anyway, he's making a real
effort lately. He's got this job.
And maybe becoming
a grandparent is making him
want to gain some self-respect
and dignity.
Merry Christmas, son.
Go on - hurry up, Dad,
and get changed.
I don't want people seeing you in the
car dressed like a pornographic
hobbit.
Oh, hello.
Oh, hi.
Brought Lee to visit Santa,
have you, Lucy?
Santa has just left,
but, er, you can sit on MY knee,
if you like, love.
Oh, um, sorry. Toby and Anna,
our neighbours, Frank - Lee's dad.
I know. He's not what you'd expect.
No, he's pretty much exactly
what I'd expect.
Hello, everyone.
Hello, Daisy.
Didn't expect to see you.
Not going away for Christmas, then?
Yes. Oh, far, far away.
To the land of... parents.
Oh, that's nice.
Christmas is a time for families to
be together. Isn't it, Daisy? Yes.
No.
Maybe.
Right, does anyone fancy
a Christmas Eve drink?
Well, I don't see why...
I don't see why.
Sorry,
we don't have time to go to a bar.
Who says anything about a bar?
Come into my grotto.
There's enough booze
stacked in here to kill a reindeer.
Is that how you pitch it to the kids?
TANNOY BING-BONGS
'Ladies and gentlemen,
just to remind you that
'as it is Christmas Eve, the store
will be closing in five minutes.'
SINISTER LOW NOTE
Honestly, we don't have time.
Jack's coming home this evening.
Our two-year-old son. Anna's parents
have taken him to Lapland. Aw!
How lovely for him. Be a nice
break for Anna, too.
I don't need a break from Jack.
No, of course not.
Christ,
you throw one mug against a wall
and suddenly you're
seen as somebody who can't cope.
So - we need to go, Toby.
Before the store closes.
Oh, you don't
have to worry about that, love.
I've got an arrangement with
the security guys.
They'll be over in a minute,
when everybody's out
and they've locked up.
Actually, last week, they put
different guards on who I didn't
know.
I ended up having to shimmy up
a Christmas tree,
climb into a ventilator shaft
and get out over the roof!
Well, why not? Now we know there's
an exit strategy.
So, what do you do, Toby?
I'm a doctor. Really?
Can I show you something? No. No.
Drink, Daisy? Oh, just a small one
for me, thanks, Frank.
I don't want to be
drunk for midnight mass.
I didn't know you were religious.
Oh, yes.
I'm not one of these people who only
celebrates Christmas once a year.
Ah!
'OK, Mike. That's everybody out.
'Just going to do this one final
door and we're in lockdown.'
'Mike?'
So, you're three days late, Lucy?
Are you booked in for a sweep?
A what?
The obstetrician manually draws
aside the cervical membranes
to stimulate labour. A sweep.
And if that doesn't work,
d'you send Sooty up?
Right, who's
ready for the Christmas presents?
I'm fine, thank you.
I actually believe we've lost
the true meaning of Christmas.
These days, it's all about spending
money. Don't worry about that.
He's nicking them.
Oh, OK, then. Why not!
OK, Mike. I am done.
Time for that willing bevvy!
Mike?
Oof!
Aw! Nothing says Christmas quite
like a Widowmaker 450 Ping-pong
Exterminator.
Oh. A teddy bear. How... nice.
Maybe you can give it to Jack.
Really?
I was going to keep it for myself
and give our two-year-old a bread
knife this year.
I do have some maternal instincts,
you know.
'Kiss my ass'.
Oh! How festive.
That's not an official store
present. No, no.
I just keep them on standby in case
any of the kids are irritating me.
Yeah, because sometimes a geriatric
elf wearing women's tights
and stinking of Special Brew isn't
quite traumatising enough.
Oh, a baseball.
Just what I've always wanted.
If I was 12 and from Wyoming.
Sorry, these presents are more
aimed at the kiddies. Oh, wow!
Craft scissors. How did you know?
Toby, we need to go - now. No, no.
We've got to wait for Bill and Mike.
They've got the keys. It'll all be
locked up. Well, where are they?
I don't know. They're taking ages.
Well, I'm not just waiting in here.
Neither am I.
Do you play baseball?
I'm not swapping.
It's locked.
You must have some way of opening it.
Do I look like I've got magical
powers?
Hello!
Oh, don't do that. I'm not meant to
be here after closing.
I could lose my job. Lose your job?
I'm sorry to break it to you, Dad,
but there's limited opportunities
for elves in January.
We need to find these guards now.
Bring the bag.
I'm not her husband. I'm her caddie.
You three stay here.
I'll just check the first floor.
You know who I blame for this,
don't you? Me. Why?
Saves you doing it.
Hello?
Hello! Anyone there?
HE WHISTLES RUDOLF
THE RED-NOSED REINDEER
Is that you, Mike?
Just a couple of mince pies.
No harm done.
Surely I get a verbal warning first?
Security guards.
They're like policeman, aren't they?
Never around when you want one.
No, I mean they're like policeman,
aren't they?
Don't worry. I'm sure
someone will be along soon.
See?
Where the hell are these guards?
We should never have
gone for that drink.
It's my dad's fault, as ever.
You can say what you want about
Frank, but I bet he would have
offered to get Vagisil.
He'd have offered to apply at!
DISCORDANT NOTES
When I say run, run!
All right, when I say waddle, waddle!
DISCORDANT NOTES
SHE GASPS
In here. Quick, phone the police.
Oh, God. It's all right.
I think we're safe in here.
MUFFLED GRUNTS
ALL: Mmmmmmm!
Oh, good.
You found the security guard, then.
Typical. Running out of sticky
tape on Christmas Eve!
No need for any of that with me.
I'll just sit here nice and quiet.
My lips are sealed.
Well, they're not, but...
I'll shut up.
Um, excuse me.
I was just wondering, um,
when you've finished -
and may I say what an excellent job
doing, very professional -
when you've finished, you're not
going to hurt anybody, are you?
I mean, it's not like we can describe
you, or anything.
Long white beard.
Rides around in a sleigh,
getaway driver had a bright red nose.
So there's no need for any, um,
unnecessary violence.
We won't phone the police.
Play safe. Smash them up.
Honestly, just leave us here.
THEY ALL SCREAM
Mmmm!
What the hell are you doing, telling
him to leave us here? Why didn't you
tell him I was pregnant?
I'm pretty sure he could see.
Unless he thought you'd recently won
a trolley dash at Greggs!
Yeah, but you didn't say
I was already three days overdue.
I think he had other
things on his mind.
Yeah, like smashing up
all our phones on your suggestion.
We're trapped now, you idiot! But
what about the other security guard?
He's probably out there
lying unconscious, as well.
Well, when the other guards turn
up for work, they'll let us go.
When's the next shift?
In an hour? Two hours?
In the morning?
You're not telling me the special
crack commando unit of Brownie
leaders are the only security on
until Boxing Day?
I shouldn't even be here. I should
be outside, waiting in the car.
Why couldn't you have just
said Vagisil?
It's OK. Toby and Anna's kid is due
back from Lapland any minute now.
When the grandparents report
these two missing,
the police will trace their phones
and find us.
Jack isn't coming home
until the 29th.
But you said you couldn't join us
for a drink cos you had to get
back for him.
Well, there's a very
good reason I said that. What?
I don't like you. Nice.
So you sent your child away
over Christmas?
Christmas can be a very stressful
time. Tell me about it.
How the hell are we going to
get out of here?
Mmm! Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm! Mmmm!
What about Daisy's parents?
They'll miss her tonight
if she doesn't show up.
What?
Can I have the tape back on, please?
Oh, I get it.
She's having Christmas with you.
You lied, so you wouldn't have to
ask me.
Nice.
What, is anyone expecting you,
Frank?
No, I was going to have it at home.
Alone.
So no-one is going to miss any of us.
We're trapped in here
till Boxing Day.
So do something - quick!
Or you might be delivering this
baby with your teeth!
LEE ON TANNOY:
'Robber to R7, Robber to R7.
'Just my little joke there to
lighten the tension. Don't worry,
I haven't escaped.
'I pressed the Tannoy
button with my nose. And everyone
else is still bound and gagged.
LUCY: 'Let me out, you absolute...'
TANNOY BING-BONGS
Apart from her. She's not gagged.
Ignore them, please.
'Just go away and leave us alone.'
'Actually, she's not gagged, either.
But everyone else is.'
DAISY: 'I'm definitely still gagged.'
Anyway, you probably noticed my wife
is very heavily pregnant.
In fact,
she's three days late already.
I know, it doesn't show, but that's
because she's the type where it's
all gone on her arse. Whatever.
LUCY: 'I'm telling you now,
you sick mother...'
TANNOY BING-BONGS
Will you stop swearing!
Pressing this bing-bong
is killing my nose.
For God's sake, stop him!
Hang on, let me finish.
'You can't leave, because...
'..she's just gone into labour.'
Have you completely lost your mind?
Can you scream convincingly? Why not?
I got away with
it at the conception.
TANNOY BING-BONGS AND LUCY SCREAMS
'You must have brought it on with
the shock you caused.'
So if you do nothing to help,
you could be going down for a very,
very long time.
LUCY SCREAMS
What the hell are you doing?
There's no way he'll believe
Lucy's in labour, you idiot!
He might kill us all!
He's certainly going to wonder why
the waters haven't broken.
Well, you'd better
think of something. And quick!
Can you - you know?
Wet your dress a bit? On demand?
No, Lee, I can't.
I happen to have a pelvic floor.
And that's how you know
it's her first baby.
Daisy, use that water.
This is madness, you idiots!
We're doing this for our baby.
Forget it, Lucy. She's not even
bothered about her own kids.
She's hardly going to empathise
with ours. How dare you!
I get a little stressed at times,
but that does NOT make
me a bad mother.
No, but not having Christmas Day
with your child does!
So, does not having it with
your father make you a bad son?
That's different. Why?
Because a child doesn't just take,
take, take, with nothing in return.
You are in for a massive shock
when the baby is born.
He's getting closer.
Hurry up!
Oh, sorry. I think
this is sparkling water.
I'm sure it'll be fine.
Yeah. I'll just tell him my clacker
doubles up as a bloody soda stream!
Where's he gone?
God, I hope
we don't live to regret this.
I mean,
I hope we do live to regret this.
I mean, I hope we do live to not...
regret this.
THEY ALL SCREAM
Argh!
Thank God you're here.
The baby is coming.
Isn't that right, doctor?
That seems to be the case.
How frequent are your contractions?
Every ten seconds.
They wouldn't be every ten seconds,
Lee.
She's a pregnant woman,
not an accordion!
Would you say they're about every
three minutes?
I would say that they
were about every three minutes.
A clear indication of advanced
labour.
Especially given the effervescence
of the amniotic fluid.
A sure-fire sign of imminent birth.
Or a very farty baby.
Argh!
You've got to let us go.
ALL: Oh!
Argh!
Stand and deliver!
Hang on. She can't go on her own.
She's about to give birth.
Good idea. Take the doctor.
But what about me? I'm the father.
Just like the conception -
I've got to be there.
Argh!
Please!
Bring the birthing bag. Why?
Because you're having the baby,
so we need it.
Very good of you, this.
And don't you worry about us
contacting the police when we get
out.
We'll be tied up with this little
lady for a while.
In fact, you've probably got time for
some last-minute Christmas shopping.
In fact, why don't you have a
bowl of vegetable crisps on us?
Actually, I think they're off.
The exit's that way.
What?
I think we're supposed
to deliver it here.
Then he's going to lock us
all up in that room again.
She can't have the baby in here.
Tell him, Doctor. Tell him why
she can't have the baby in here.
There's not enough... light.
HE COCKS GUN
He's not letting them go.
When he finds out they're lying,
he's coming to get very angry
and kill us all.
The only question is in what order.
I reckon he'll get very angry first,
and then kill us all.
He's not going to kill anyone.
Really?
Try telling your friend that.
He's not dead.
Is he?
Hello?
Are you dead?
Blink once for yes and twice for no.
SHE BLOWS
LUCY EXHALES LIGHTLY
Do something. Like what?
I don't know, you're supposed to be
a doctor.
A doctor, yeah, not a conjuror.
There are... complications,
aren't there, Doctor?
That's a bloody understatement.
He says this baby is beached.
Breached.
Oh, God.
Yes, breached, which
means it's... stuck in the...
U-bend bit.
This woman needs professional help.
You need professional help.
You see? I told you he was dead.
Harder. OK.
MUFFLED SCREAM
TANNOY BING-BONGS
THUD
OVER TANNOY: Well, he wasn't dead,
but he might be now.
Let me check. I'll bite him again.
Just leave him.
We'll all be dead anyway when that
lunatic realises Lucy's faking it.
What does that red light mean on the
microphone?
Oh, God! What have I said?!
You said, "We'll all be dead when
that lunatic realises Lucy's faking
it."
Turn it off!
TANNOY BING-BONGS
I hope you're good at your job,
Doctor,
cos I'm about to do some
serious damage.
LUCY GASPS
Hang on.
It's you. From the car park.
I recognise your voice.
Yeah, that's right.
I remember your face, as well.
Green eyes, scar above the cheekbone,
right nostril slightly bigger
than the other.
Photographic memory, me.
Police artist's dream.
Hey.
Don't worry, Lucy.
He knows when the game's up.
Something tells me he's just
going to turn round
and walk straight out of this store.
He's not going to hurt anybody...
HE YELLS
Oh! I was never a good
judge of character.
HE YELLS
SMASHING
DRAWERS SMASH
LUCY GASPS
We've got to help them! How?
SMASHING
LUCY GASPS
LUCY BREATHES HEAVILY
HE COCKS GUN
FROM RADIO: It's Christma-a-as!
Well, did the lights go out?
MUSIC: Merry Christmas Everybody
by Slade
♪ Are you hanging up...? ♪
Oh, God.
♪ ..a stocking on your wall? ♪
GUNSHOT AND SMASHING
GUNSHOT
♪ It's the time that every Santa
has a ball... ♪
GUNSHOT AND SCREAMING
♪ Does he ride a red-nose reindeer?
♪ Does he turn up on his sleigh?
♪ Do the fairies keep him sober
for a day?
♪ So here it is, Merry Christmas
♪ Everybody's having fun... ♪
GUNSHOT
♪ Look to the future now... ♪
Oh, you and that bloody bag!
♪ It's only just begun
♪ Are you waiting for the... ♪
Stay calm. He can't see us.
♪ Are you sure you've got the...? ♪
Can't he?
♪ Does your granny always tell you
♪ That the old songs are the best? ♪
GUNSHOT AND SCREAMING
Well, I can't find the light switch,
but at least I've managed to
stop the music.
CRYING
Oh, God!
Shall I see if they've got
anything by George Michael?
Christmas shopping,
always a nightmare, isn't it?
If you're trying to stop a bullet,
can I suggest hiding behind a pan
and not a colander?
LIGHT TAP
THEY GASP
COLANDER CLINKS
FOOTSTEPS APPROACH
FAST FOOTSTEPS
FAST HEARTBEAT
OMINOUS MUSIC
DOOR SQUEAKS
OPENS LOUDLY
FASTER HEARTBEAT
LOUD DOOR
FAST HEARTBEAT
OMINOUS MUSIC
FART
COCKS GUN
GUNSHOT
FART
Ho, ho, ho. Excuse me.
FART
HE SIGHS
The worst thing is I've got some
natural yoghurt at home.
That would have done it.
Instead of the Vagisil.
Oh, I'm sorry, Lucy. I've let you
down, and the baby.
See? I'm not father material.
It's my dad's fault,
it's in the genes.
Oh, for God's sake, Lee, stop
blaming your dad for everything.
Take some responsibility
and do something!
DRAMATIC MUSIC
OK.
I need a weapon.
Is that it?
Oh, God, I wish
we lived in America!
What are we going to do?
I can't run any more!
You don't have to.
We're going to hide you
whilst I search for an exit.
Hide me? Where?
Isn't that too obvious?
Don't worry, Lucy. It's the last
place he'd think of hiding somebody.
THEY SCREAM
LIFT BEEPS
EVERYONE SCREAMS
HE COCKS GUN
LIFT BEEPS
OMINOUS MUSIC
LIFT MOVING
I sent the lift up with no-one in it.
Fooled him.
Yeah, I expect he'll give up
and go home after that one(!)
What were you thinking,
sneaking up on people
dressed like that? You idiot!
You're the idiot. Why the hell did
you tell him you could identify him?
To stop you getting beaten up.
Oh, yeah, I much prefer being
shot at, you cretin. There you go.
Stop it. We need to get out of here!
I've checked,
the whole place is in lockdown.
So what are we going to do? Escape
from Psycho Claus up the chimney?
That's it.
Remember?
Last week when Dad got locked in -
he escaped up the Christmas tree
and through a vent.
You are not serious.
It'll be fine, Lucy. I promise.
Why not?! It's all in the birthing
plan - drinking liquorice tea,
rubbing cocoa butter on the bump,
and climbing a giant
bloody Norwegian fir tree
while Father Christmas tries to
assassinate me with a BLEEP shotgun!
SHOTGUN COCKS
LIFT DINGS
HE SHOUTS
Hang on.
I've got to go back for Anna.
You're right.
Good luck.
No, Toby's right. God knows
what he'll do to the others.
We need to help them.
How are we supposed to do that?
I've had an idea.
But first, we've got to
get Lucy to a safe place.
GASPING
Does anyone mind if I say a prayer?
You go ahead, love.
For what we are about to receive...
Not that one.
You'll be safe in here, Lucy.
Yeah, because a grotto full
of presents is the last place
you'd think of running
into Father Christmas.
What are you doing? I'm burying him.
You mean he's dead?
That's right, Lee, I'm laying
this man to his eternal rest
in a pile of polystyrene shavings
in a department store grotto.
We can't get him up
the Christmas tree,
so the least we can do is hide
him while we rescue the others.
So, go on, then, how exactly
are we going to do that?
You're going to cause a distraction.
A distraction?
Why don't I run round
and get him to shoot at me(?)
You've got to be kidding me.
Come on, Lee. You've got this in
you, I know you have.
No, I really haven't, Toby
This is not what I do.
It's not in my DNA.
You've met my dad,
Jean-Claude Van Damn-I've-Wet-Myself.
Do you know what, Lee?
Maybe you're right.
Maybe you are the same as your dad.
Maybe it is all in the genes.
Maybe our baby will grow up
to be exactly the same, too,
and, instead of taking any
responsibility, will just
blame you for everything instead.
You don't have to be
the same as your father, Lee.
Please.
You're right. I can do this, Lucy.
For you...
and our baby.
And one more thing, Lucy.
Yeah?
Vagisil.
For the relief of vaginal dryness.
You've made your point.
Well, that's one way
to get Santa's attention.
WHIZZING
GUN COCKS
GUN COCKS
ANNA: What the hell is he doing?
Maybe him and Toby have got a plan.
Toby is many things, but one thing
he is not is the sort of person
that runs around acting like
he's in some sort of movie.
Here's Johnny!
FRANK: I told you these
were quality presents.
Yes, if only you'd wrapped up
a couple of helicopters
and a police SWAT team.
Well, we'll know for next year.
What on earth are you doing?
Forget him.
Well, we can't just leave him
here like a sitting duck.
Don't be stupid, Toby.
You are leaving him here and you're
getting me out. Oh, shut up, Anna.
For once in your life,
you're doing what I say.
We are taking the guard,
we are hiding him, then we are
climbing a 50-foot Christmas tree
whether you like it or not.
Do you bloody understand?
And another thing - I'm not
going to your sister's house
on New Year's Eve. I don't like
her and you can't make me.
Ooh!
Oh, God, please tell me
that's trapped wind.
He'll be safe in there.
But he can't lock himself in.
I'll go in and lock it for him.
PARP!
'Oh, that was nasty.'
BULLET RICOCHETS
I love it
when a plan comes together.
GUNSHOT
GUNSHOT
GUNSHOTS
This is definitely not
part of the birthing plan!
SHE GROANS
All of you, up the tree, now.
GUNSHOT
Me first!
I know the way.
It's up, isn't it?
Yeah.
Remember, just don't look down.
I'm not planning on
looking up, either.
LEE: I'm going to get Lucy.
That shutter won't hold him long,
so be quick.
Be quick? That's a good idea.
I was planning to stop off
at the nail salon!
Come on, Lucy! We're leaving!
Why is the floor wet?
Oh, my God!
The baby's coming. Now? Now.
Now as in right now or as in, "I've
just got time to climb a Christmas
"tree, crawl through an air vent and
run across a roof to safety," now?
RIGHT NOW!
TOBY: Where the hell are they?
Maybe we should go back for them.
Don't be silly.
They'll be fine, I'm telling you.
Our Lee's a very brave lad.
He gets it from me.
GUNSHOT
AARGH!
AARGH!
What are you doing?
I'm looking for the birthing plan!
Screw the birthing plan,
I'm having a baby!
SHE SCREAMS
FRANK: This way!
Wait. We can't just leave them.
He's your son, Frank.
Perhaps they've found
another way out.
Come on, Toby. You've got
your own son to think of.
Frank's right.
We need to start thinking about Jack.
Well, I certainly do.
BABY CRIES
It's a boy. Let me see.
I believe he's a boy, Lee,
let me see his face.
Oh.
Hello, my baby.
GUN COCKS
Good at remembering faces, are you?
Well, take one last look at it.
Oh, actually, it's the left nostril
that's bigger. See, terrible memory.
CLUNK
THUD
I couldn't just leave my new
grandchild here, could I?
Let's have a look at him, then.
Wooargh!
Oops!
Sorry, Bill.
SIRENS WAIL
MUSIC: Let It Snow! Let It Snow!
Let It Snow! by Dean Martin
♪ Oh, the weather outside
is frightful
♪ But the fire is so delightful
♪ And since we've
no place to go... ♪
TOBY: OK, that's great.
Well, thanks for all your help.
And merry Christmas to you. Bye.
BABY GURGLES
Maybe we should call him Holly.
It's more of a girl's name.
Snowy?
It's more of a rabbit's name.
You were amazing in there.
You just did it -
no hospital, no midwife,
and, more importantly...
no birthing plan.
It was easy.
I'm thinking of having the
next baby in a straitjacket,
tied up and handcuffed in a barrel
whilst going over a waterfall.
What do you mean "next baby"?
I better get going. I might
still make it to midnight mass.
Does anyone know
what time it starts?
We'd better go, too.
We're off to meet Jack.
I thought he was in Lapland.
He is. I've booked us
on the next flight.
You should be with your
children at Christmas.
That's something
I've realised tonight.
And I've realised sometimes you
have to stand up for yourself...
Shut up, Toby. We'll miss the plane.
We owe you everything for
what you did in there, Dad.
Maybe you should have a little bit
more faith in those genes.
I wish I had more
faith in these tights.
I'm surprised the police didn't
arrest me for shoplifting baubles.
I wish there was some
way of repaying you.
BABY FUSSES
Oh, yeah. Dad?
Yes, son, what is it?
Would you do us the honour
of joining us for
Christmas dinner tomorrow?
Is that it?
How do you mean?
I thought you were going to
name the baby after me.
Oh. I'm sorry, Frank.
We've already decided on Snowy.
PHONE RINGS
Forgot I had this.
BABY FUSSES
♪ When we finally kiss good night
♪ How I'll hate going out
in the storm
♪ But if you really grab me tight
♪ All the way home I'll be warm
♪ Oh, the fire is slowly dying
♪ And, my dear, we're still goodbying
♪ But as long as you love me so
♪ Let it snow
♪ Let it snow
♪ Let it snow. ♪