Not Going Out (2006–…): Season 9, Episode 1 - Home Improvements - full transcript

♪ We're not going out ♪

♪ Not staying in ♪

♪ Just hanging around
with my head in a spin ♪

♪ But there is no need
to scream and shout ♪

♪ We're not going out ♪

♪ We are not going out. ♪

I'm home, darling!

I was thinking, we should invite
your parents round soon.

I love spending time with them.

They're so wise and
such wonderful company.

Oh, what a coincidence,
I didn't know you were both here.



So you didn't notice our car outside?

Oh, come on, Geoffrey, lots of
people drive a maroon Rover 700

with yellow steering lock
and beaded seat covers.

But they don't park them
right outside your house.

Parked? It was so far from the kerb,
I thought it'd been abandoned.

Well, it's nice to see you, Lee.
It feels like it's been ages.

Yes, when in fact we've only been
talking for about ten seconds.

Truth is, we've hardly been able
to leave the house

for the last two months.

Not another ASBO, Wendy?

What was it this time, knock down
ginger at the local vicarage?

Dad's been showing me his new extension.

Well, you're never too old
for cosmetic enhancement, Geoffrey.

The kitchen extension.



It's been extremely hard.

Geoffrey's worked his way
through half the tradesmen

in the south-east.

I'm glad we clarified things
before you said that.

It's been very stressful, so I'm
taking him down to Beachy Head.

Bit harsh.

Just a weekend break
to recharge the batteries.

It's a shame, there's still
a few niggly little jobs left.

You know, unpacking,
tidying, dusting and so on.

It would have been nice to come
back to a clean and tidy house.

Well, I can sort those things
out for you, Dad.

Really? Well, if you're sure it
won't be too much trouble for you.

It won't be any trouble
whatsoever for me...

..I'll send Lee to do it.

Er, actually, on second thoughts,

I'm sure it can wait until we get back.

I'm sorry, did you just quickly look
me up on Checkatrade or something?

I can tidy up and dust.
You won't even know I've been there.

Sadly, that's true.

Just write me a list.

I'd be taking advantage of you.

Well, you're not putting
that on the list.

It's OK, Dad. Lee and I will go
together and both clean up.

- Well, hmm...
- It'll be fine, Dad.

- Course it will, Geoffrey.
- Thank you, Wendy.

They're simple little jobs.
A chimpanzee could do them.

I am still stood here, you know?

- One day, we'll own a kitchen like this.
- Really?

Yeah. Unless your parents
cut you out of their will.

Ooh, I didn't know
your mum smoked cigars.

I always had her down as
a chewing tobacco kind of gal.

- They're Dad's, and they're lethal.
- Why?

Because if you touch them,
he'll kill you.

Do you know how you can tell
if something is glass or crystal?

Glass.

Why don't you go outside
and... check on the garden?

Oh, keep out the way, you mean.
Like father, like daughter.

And I'm not just talking
about the excessive nasal hair.

I suppose I could mow the lawn.

- Your dad might thank me.
- He does hate doing that.

What, mowing the lawn or thanking me?

Go on, then. Just try not to...

- What?
- I don't know, just... try not to.

PHONE RINGS

Hi, Dad. How's it all going?

Oh, it's all great.

I just had to phone to tell you
the hotel does a continental buffet,

and I thought you might be
interested, you voted Remain.

You're checking up on us, aren't you?

- Well, maybe a bit.
- Stop fretting, everything's fine.

The house looks incredible.

So it should, the money I paid.

£4,000 on the garden alone.

I didn't know you'd had
anything done to the garden.

Oh, good - that means I've won
the argument with your mother.

She said you can tell
the difference, I say you can't.

Why, what have you had done?

Well, you know how much
I hate mowing that lawn.

I splashed out and had
the whole thing replaced

- with artificial grass.
- ENGINE STARTS

They make some quite
convincing stuff these days.

Exactly like the real thing,
but made of plastic.

We were in two minds about it.

You know, your mother likes
a natural lawn,

but she doesn't have
to mow the bloody thing.

So, in the end, I managed to...

Hello? Hello, Lucy?

Stop!

I can't hear you, I'm mowing the lawn.

ENGINE STOPS

..cking idiot!

I said stop the machine!

- Why, do you want to have a go?
- Only if you lie down in front of it!

- What?
- It's artificial grass.

Ah...

No!

I think it's best if you don't speak.

Can I sing?

Sure. How about something
by Marvin Gaye?

Oh, I get it - Mow-town.

No, I mean because he was murdered
by a family member.

Why would someone with artificial lawn

- still have a lawnmower in the shed?
- I don't know.

Maybe you can ask Dad that while

he's ripping your spleen out
with a trowel.

This isn't only my fault. You said
mowing the lawn was a good idea.

- Because I didn't know it was fake.
- Well, neither did I.

Well, why did you not check it was real?

The same reason that I didn't check
that the house was made of Lego.

Well, I just hope they can fit a new
one before Mum and Dad get back.

What?

I found the details of the lawn
company at Mum and Dad's house.

I'm ordering a new one.

We are not buying them a new lawn.

Well, we've got to.
Dad spent a fortune on it.

That is why we are not
buying them a new lawn.

Well, what else can we do?

Well, it was only
one small strip that we damaged.

Perhaps we can replace it.

Oh, what are we going to do,

nick some from a table
outside the greengrocers?

No!

All right,
we're just brainstorming here.

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realise.

Oh, I know! Why don't we shave
50 hedgehogs,

backfill the strip with their
bristles and cover it in guacamole?

No matter how we patch it, Dad
is going to notice the difference.

It has to be the whole lawn we replace.

We can probably just about afford it
if we use our savings account.

That money is for
our beach holiday in Alicante.

Well, we'll just have
to improvise, then, won't we?

We've got a sandpit
and a fridge full of paella.

But we haven't got Europe's second
largest crazy golf course, have we?

You know you said that out loud, right?

How does this sound?
We say foxes did it.

Foxes mowed the lawn.

I'll tell you exactly how that sounds,

like a John Lewis Christmas advert.

All right, what about we rip
the whole thing out

and say it got stolen?

Who goes around stealing
other people's artificial lawns?

Well, fair point.

Most criminals stick to their own turf.

One day, this will all be behind us
and everything will be solved,

and perhaps then you will appreciate

that that was actually
a very funny joke.

I am phoning the lawn company.

All right, I've got it! It's obvious.

What?

We finish the job and
mow the rest of the lawn.

I know you're not stupid,

and I know you are probably
actually following all of this,

but just on the off chance you're not...

..it's not a real lawn!

I know it's not,
but we only took off this much.

If we do the same
across the whole of the lawn,

he'll never notice the difference.

Of course he will.

Won't he?

Well, there's only one way to find out.

And what have we got to lose?

Sorry, is that rhetorical,

or am I supposed to actually
start listing your body parts?

Ah, the smell of
freshly cut polypropylene fibres.

What do you reckon?

I'm sure you can tell the difference.

Well, I'm only part way through
mowing it. Don't judge me yet.

We're only part way through
our marriage,

but I've reached a judgment on that.

Just keep watching.

ENGINE SPLUTTERS

Now can I start judging you?

The fuel pipe's broken.
Petrol's spewing everywhere.

Well, don't waste it, I need a drink.

Don't worry, we can still do this.

It just might take a little bit
longer than I first thought.

You missed a bit.

I hate you.

Oh, Anna, thank you for waiting so late.

No, no, it was a pleasure, Lucy.

There was me thinking I was only
collecting them from school,

so it was a real treat to be able
to bring them home and feed them

and bathe them and pick up their wet
towels and make them a hot drink.

And fight them to get them
to switch off the television.

And then break up an argument
over a glass of Ribena,

which resulted in me staining
my brand-new cashmere cardigan.

I should be thanking you.

Sorry.

Well, at least I didn't have
to spend another evening

listening to Toby talk about his
new Dreambuilder Excel 3D printer

with its patented open-source software.

It's like he's asking for a divorce.

What on earth is that?

Er, there's been an accident.

We ran over a Muppet.

- Well, I'd better get back home.
- Yeah.

Toby will be thinking
you've run off and left him.

Yeah, we don't want
him raising his hopes.

Bye.

You've got to admit, that lawn
looked pretty good by the end.

Well, yeah, I suppose
I couldn't tell the difference,

- but the question is, will Dad be able to?
- That depends.

Is he the kind of person that
gets down on his knees to measure

the blades of grass on his lawn?

- Yes.
- I thought so.

In that case, we're going
to have to kneecap him.

It'll be fine, he won't notice.

And what he doesn't know won't hurt him.

You mean what he doesn't know
won't hurt you.

Exactly.

The lawn mower's still broken.

But he won't need to use it again,
so he'll never find out.

And the grass absolutely
stinks of petrol.

Which will have faded
by the time they return.

I'm telling you, it's the perfect
crime... unless somebody grasses.

You're still not ready
for those, are you?

And best of all, we do not have to ring

the artificial lawn company
and spend a fortune.

Don't you feel
even a tiny bit dishonest?

I'll tell you what's dishonest -

covering your garden in plastic
and saying it's a lawn.

Well, I wouldn't let my dad hear
you saying that.

- Ha, I'm not scared of your dad.
- PHONE RINGS

Argh, it's your dad!

- Oh, my God, he knows everything!
- But he doesn't!

Just answer the phone and act casual.

OK.

HIGH-PITCHED: Hi, Dad!

That's it, casual,
like you've been stabbed.

Hello, Lucy, everything all right?

Of course.

You ended that earlier
phone call very abruptly.

Well... you know...

Brilliant, just like that.

There's just something
I wanted to check.

When you were round there,
did you go into the shed?

The shed?

No.

Oh, that's odd...

..because I've just had a message
from Colin the builder.

Colin the builder?
Who's Colin the builder?

Well, his name's Colin,
and he's a builder.

Have you been drinking?

He left some ladders at the house
and when he went round to

collect them this evening,
he saw the shed door was open.

Oh, well, you obviously left
the shed unlocked before you left.

Maybe.

Oh, what are you like,
you silly old sausage.

Well, you've been very busy lately,
Dad, you've had a lot on your mind.

Well, that's true.

You must be losing your marbles.

What's happening?

Just tricking an old man
into thinking he's got dementia.

Anyway, I'll find out exactly
what happened when we get back.

Oh, and how will you do that?

I'll check the recordings
on the CCTV camera.

You've got CCTV?!

Yes, I rigged it up
as part of the extension.

I did wonder whether it
was worth the expense,

but you never know
what you might see on them.

Oh, I'm sure it's full of
all sorts of surprises.

I've spent a lot of money on that
house, and if anything happens to

it, I want the scumbags responsible
on camera so they can be punished.

Bit harsh, Dad.

They might be nice scumbags.

Anyway, I've got to go, Dad.

Night-night.

Goodnight, darling.

- What are we going to do?
- We could murder Colin the builder.

How would that help?

It wouldn't, but let's
just do it anyway.

Well, don't blame anyone else for this,

you're the one who forgot to lock
the shed, meaning Dad's going

to check his cameras
and see you mowing the fake lawn.

Do you think he'll be angry?

No, I think he'll forget all
about that part,

when he sees us creep back in
in the middle of the night

and finish the job with craft scissors!

What are we going to do?

Maybe we can sort of hack into
the system and delete the footage.

Hack into the CCTV system?

Lucy, we don't even
know how to use the Sky+ Box.

Well, we need help, then, don't we?

And who do we know who's anal
and boring enough to understand

the workings of an electronic
surveillance system?

CCTV?

Why do you want to know about that?

Well, there's been some break-ins
in our area recently,

so I thought if I got a camera
at the house...

It gives you an alibi.

So, come on,
how exactly do these things work?

Well, basically, there's a central
hub housed in

a secure location with
any number of peripheral nodes...

Spare us the detail,
Stephen Hawking. How do you wipe it?

- Wipe it?
- Yeah.

With a damp cloth.

I don't mean that.

Look, let's say, for example,
that you had CCTV at your house,

and say, for example,
that... Anna had...

..sex with the postman in your garden.

How would the postman erase that event?

From the CCTV, or from his memory?

From the CCTV,
but in a way that nobody knew.

Impossible. That's the whole
point of having a security system -

- they're tamper-proof.
- There must be something you can do.

- There isn't.
- Are you sure?

Completely positive.

There's absolutely not
a single thing on earth you can do.

- Unless...
- Talk to me.

Unless you completely rip out the drive.

I've already buggered his lawn -
I'm not going back for the drive.

- What?
- Nothing, carry on.

Well, I suppose you could follow
a wire back from one of the cameras,

locate the hard drive box

and then remove and replace it
with a blank brand-new substitute.

And the owner would simply assume

he hadn't set it properly
in the first place.

Brilliant!

So, come on, what's really going on?
What have you been up to?

All right, I'll tell you,
but it's a bit embarrassing.

Go on.

I had sex with Anna in your garden.

Well, that's OK - as long
as you didn't damage the lawn.

Can I help you?

Yes, I'd like to exchange this, please.

Have you got the receipt?

Well, I did have, but er,
it got chewed up... by my... rabbit.

- What's the name?
- Dylan.

- Your name.
- Oh. Um, Geoffrey Adams.

Geoffrey Aloysius Adams.

I know, I surprise myself sometimes.

I don't really look like a...

- Alion...
- Aloysius. - That's it.

Postcode?

Er, KT10 4BK.

She keeps beating me to it.

She's like this when
we're watching Countdown.

House number?

- 15.
- 17.

15 to 17.

It's a big house,
that's why we need security.

Yeah, we've got you on here, Mr Adams.

You're still within the exchange period.

So, what's the problem with it?

Um... It's the vertical contrast.

It hasn't got the right
aspect ratio grading.

I don't understand what that means.

Huh, call yourself the expert.

So what is the correct aspect
ratio grading?

What?

So if it's not
the right aspect ratio grading,

what's the correct one?

Six.

Six what?

Seven.

- Look, I'm obviously confusing you.
- Yeah, you are.

Well, to put it in layman's terms,
it's buggered.

Are you sure you're not just
using it incorrectly?

Are you saying I'm incompetent?

Well, no, but, you know,

we get some people in here who can't
even pronounce their own names.

Can you just take it back, please?
I'd be very grateful...

..Tekkram.

That's the name of the shop.

Fine, leave it with us for a week.
We'll see what we can do.

A week? They're back
at three o'clock tomorrow.

Who are?

The burglars.

I mean, thieving bastards,
but at least they're punctual.

Can't you just exchange it?

Your sign says you offer
a no-quibble exchange policy.

- Yeah, but...
- That sounded like a quibble.

- I'm just trying to point out...
- Quibble.

- But the whole...
- Quibble...

Thank you.

- Say thank you, Aloysius.
- Thank you.

Right, let's get back before
our irritating daughter

wonders where we are.

And let's not forget our twat
of a son-in-law.

Result!

Nothing but gardening on the TV
these days.

I recognise you off the telly.

You'd make a terrible burglar,
waving at the camera like that.

Be like being robbed by the Teletubbies.

- Is it working, then?
- Sure is. I could get a job with MI6.

All right, Maplins.

There's still a whiff of lawnmower fuel.

Which is getting less, and it'll be
gone by the time your dad gets back.

- Anything else you want to be paranoid about?
- Yeah.

What if he lip-reads
the conversation we're having now.

It's not turned on now. It's on standby.

And it will remain that way
until your dad gets back.

That way he will find it blank and
assume he didn't set it properly.

It's the perfect crime.

We're like Bonnie and Clyde.

- They end up getting shot.
- All right, Thelma and Louise.

- They drove off a cliff.
- All right, Chas and Dave!

The point is, your dad will never
know what happened.

All right, there's no need to gloat.

What makes you think I'm gloating?

I'm detecting a slight air of hubris.

I don't care what brand they are.

Well, I suppose this is the closest
you'll ever come to deserving one.

Look at me, Geoffrey,
smoking one of your cigars.

Oh, no, you can't can you?
Cos the CCTV's not switched on.

I love it when a plan comes together.

Ah...

Well, I'm going to be honest...

..I think your dad's going
to notice this.

NUMBER DIALS

Maybe you should burn
the house down as well,

you know, so it all matches.

Please don't mention matches.

Oh, hello, I'd like to get a price
on a new artificial lawn, please...

..to be fitted immediately.

- Ask if we can pitch a tent on it.
- Why?

Well, seeing as we're not going to
be playing crazy golf in Alicante,

we're going to have to think
of other ideas for our holiday.

Stop acting so nervously. Mum
and Dad will be here in a second.

Four grand out of pocket

and all because I selflessly offered
to look after the house for them.

Yes, you certainly are the hero
of this story, Lee.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Right! Now, remember, the lawn looks
fine, the workmen did a great job,

so when Mum and Dad walk through
that door, just act normal.

And for God's sake, don't shave them
or set fire to them.

Hi, Mum. Where's Dad?

I've got a bone to pick with you two.

It was Lucy.

Well, it was very sweet of her.

What was?

The bouquet of flowers
you left in the kitchen for us -

you shouldn't have!

We should be bringing gifts to you -
the house looks wonderful.

Ah, see, I said you could trust us.

It was your dad who was worried -
not me.

It's not as if you're a pair of
teenagers having wild parties

and taking drugs.

Exactly.

Although there was
a little bit of smoking grass.

So, where's Geoffrey?

Getting frustrated with the CCTV.

It didn't record a thing
while we were away!

Oh, what a shame.
He must have left it on standby.

- Not that I understand these things.
- Me neither.

I wouldn't even know how to plug one in,

never mind replace the whole system.

Well, it's certainly put him
in a bad mood,

what, with that and the lawn.

Why, what's up with the lawn?

Oh, there's nothing wrong with it,
I just convinced Geoffrey

while we were away that artificial
lawn doesn't look real.

Oh, trust me, it looks real.

So, he's come round
to my way of thinking.

We're having the whole thing
ripped up and re-turfed.

CHILDREN YELL

I'll pop up and say hello
to the children.

Well, that was a waste of £4,000.

- Could this actually get any worse?
- Yeah.

If they're going back to real grass,

we should really buy him
a new lawnmower.

Look, it's not a complete
waste of money, is it?

The whole point of all this was
so that Dad didn't find out

what you did and think you're an idiot.

- And he hasn't, has he?
- I suppose.

So you may have lost your holiday,
but at least you kept your dignity.

Yes?

It's this CCTV unit.

I set it to record for a week
and the whole thing is blank.

Are you sure you set it correctly?

Are you saying I'm incompetent?

What's wrong with this one?

Vertical contrast?

Aspect ratio grading?

What?

Just some idiot we had in here yesterday

with exactly the same model.

We tested the thing, turns out
there's nothing wrong with it.

Look.

Good God!

Look, it's fine.

I explained to Dad that we spent
all our money trying to make amends.

The CCTV is up and running again,

and I told him we're replacing
the lawnmower.

We're back where we started.

Yeah. But he stills thinks I'm an
absolute idiot who can't perform

a simple task without messing up
like a pillock.

Like I said,
we're back where we started.

Your dad's never going to let me
forget this, is he?

Of course he will.

He's promised he'll never
mention it again. To anyone.

DOOR OPENS

Two, three, four...

♪ One man went to mow,
went to mow a garden ♪

♪ One man and his mower ♪

♪ And his scissors and his cigar ♪

♪ And his matchstick and his petrol ♪

♪ Whoof! Went to mow a meadow. ♪

Why don't you go and play in the garden?

Cos Daddy might set fire to us.

Go.

Oh, great! We've lost our beach holiday,

me father-in-law thinks I'm a cretin,

and now, the kids have turned the
whole thing into a West End musical.

Oh, well, look on the bright side -
thanks to that burnt grass

and your own home improvement skills,

at least we still get to
play crazy golf.

♪ We're not going out ♪

♪ Not staying in ♪

♪ Just hanging around
with my head in a spin ♪

♪ But there is no need
to scream and shout ♪

♪ We're not going out ♪

♪ We are not going out. ♪