Not Going Out (2006–…): Season 7, Episode 9 - Lucy - full transcript

♪ We're not going out

♪ Not staying in

♪ Just hanging around
With my head in a spin

♪ But there is no need
to scream and shout

♪ We're not going out

♪ We are not going out. ♪

What are you doing here all alone?

Is it wrong for a woman to be
sat on her own at the bar?

AT the bar?

With those shoulder pads,
I thought you WERE the bar.

Are you shrugging that comment off?
I can't tell.



I just popped in for
a bit of Dutch courage.

I've got a very important meeting
at the restaurant next door.

Kind of...

job interview.

Oh, right. Do the Dallas Cowboys
need a new quarterback, then?

Will you stop
going on about the coat?

This could be a big deal for me,
Lee. Very big.

Do you understand?

OK. I understand.

You've got a lot on your shoulders.

Great, thanks for
the confidence boost.

It was just a joke.

Yeah, it's always a joke, isn't it?

Why do you never pay me compliments?



I do.

When?

Last night. I thought
you looked very nice.

Well, why didn't you say?

Because I didn't know
how you'd respond.

What's the worst I could have said?

"It's three o'clock in the morning.
Get out of my bedroom, Lee"?

You just can't do it, can you?

Yes, I can.

Go on, then, give me a compliment.

All right.

Your...

skin looks...

clear.

I said a compliment, not a check-up.

All right, what about this?

Your eyes look nice.

Why do they look nice?

Because your eyelashes look
like two tiny little crows

that have crashed into
the windscreen of your face.

I'm going to be late.

I'll probably still be here later, so
why don't you join me for a drink?

You can have some peanuts. You'll
like them, they're complimentary.

Actually, I'd rather not.

I just feel like sometimes we live
in each other's pockets, Lee.

Which is fine if you're married,
or a couple, but we're not, are we?

We're just flatmates.

I think we need to start
doing our own thing a bit more.

After all, we may be seeing a lot
less of each other if...

things come off.

Surely if things come off,
we'll be seeing more of each other.

I mean the job.

It'll mean me
not being around as much.

In fact, hardly at all.

Anyway. Wish me luck.

Break a leg.

With the weight of those
shoulder pads, you probably will.

What are you doing here all alone?

Still, at least you're
drinking like a real man.

Fancy another rose?

It's Lucy's. She's just left.

Something you said?

Something I did.

Bitter?

No, I'd never bite her.

Oh.

No, I'm fine.

So, er, where's Anna tonight?

She's not ready.
You know what women are like.

She has to try on 11 different
outfits before she can leave

and then she says she looks too fat.

Probably because she's wearing
11 different outfits.

Can I ask you something?

Does Anna ever suggest that
you two spend less time together?

No. We love each other's company.

You mean she won't let you
out of her sight.

She's practically got
a tracker chip in you.

It's not a tracker chip.

It's just an app on her phone
that blinks when I move.

Anyway, why do you ask?

Oh, no reason.
Just something Lucy said.

But you're not even a couple.

Although I must admit, I thought
you were when we first met.

Oh? Why did you think that?

Oh, I don't know,
man and woman living together.

Then I noticed the arguments.
The sarcasm.

The way she looks embarrassed
by you all the time.

Then I assumed you were married.

No, she's just my landlady.

So there's never been
anything more between you?

How do you mean?

Well, you know the phrase -
friends with benefits.

No, we're just friends.

Although I am on benefits.

Never even come close?

You know, sharing a flat with
someone young and attractive,

walking round in skimpy underwear,

she's going to get tempted.

But no.

What about the future?

Do you think anything might happen?

Just between me and you.

You'd have to buy me
a lot more drinks

before anything happened
just between me and you.

You know what I mean.
Between you and Lucy.

And there isn't even
the slightest chance

that you might both be in denial
about how you really feel?

No, she's like the sister
I never had.

There's no secret feelings
and no denial. OK?

I knew it!

I told Anna she was completely
wrong about all of that.

All of what?

Anna's got this theory that you
and Lucy act like there's nothing

going on between you,
whereas really,

there is this powerful latent energy

that will one day result in
emotional and sexual fusion.

I feel like I've phoned Babestation
but Stephen Hawking's picked up.

So, er...

what made Anna think that?

Was it, er...

something Lucy said?

No, I don't think so.

But it doesn't matter, does it?

Cos you just told me you weren't
interested and never will be.

Exactly.
Good. That's what I said to Anna.

I said "Lee's not interested,
so he won't be bothered

"that we've set up Lucy up
on this date tonight."

Anyway, can we now please move on?

Did you see that documentary

about the assassination of JFK
the other night?

Sorry, what date?

Ooh, now you're asking.

November 22nd, 1963.

No-one told me about that.

I think it's fairly well documented.

I mean Lucy, tonight.

Oh, yeah, she's on a date next door.

She told me
it was a business meeting.

Oh, I wonder why she lied?

So, er... who is he, then?

He's my cousin, Carl.

You've set her up with your cousin?

I know up north you prefer to
date your own cousins,

but I like to mix it up a bit.

So what does he do? This Carl.

He's a fully qualified barrister.

Oh, yeah? Starbucks or Costa?

No, Lee, the type who charge
serious money for their services.

Oh, Caffe Nero.

He's wealthy, is he?

Yeah.

But, you know, money is
no guarantee of happiness.

He needs to find someone
to share it with.

All alone in his great big mansion.

Driving around in his Ferrari.

Doesn't that damage the carpets?

But he still finds time for
all his charity work, though.

He's just back from climbing
Kilimanjaro for the Guide Dogs.

Did he find any?

MOBILE BEEPS

Carl's just texted me.

What does it say?

"What a knockout."

Lucy's probably floored him
with her shoulder pads.

Lucy could be so good for Carl.

I've got really high
hopes for this thing.

Hang on. Back up a minute, Cupid.
It's only a blind date.

Lucy might not like him.

It's not exactly a blind date.

They've been e-mailing
each other for months,

Facebooking, texting, Skyping.

It's not like
when you meet a girl, Lee,

and she looks nothing like she did
on the card in the phone box.

It still might not mean there's any
chemistry when they meet in person.

I read a thing that said
80% of a relationship

between a man and a woman
is based on smell.

Probably more in your case.

I'm just saying,
let's not get carried away.

Things might not progress.

I've just told you, it already
has progressed. On social media.

He's already talked about
inviting her to his place in Naples.

I said Naples was a bit much.

Start with the mews house in
Belgravia and then at the weekend,

surprise her with
a trip to the villa.

Oh, right, he's got
a season ticket, has he?

Do you know what,
I'd better give Anna a call.

See if I've got
time for another pint

and pretend it's still my first.

Well, that's the advantage of
being single, mate.

I could get cirrhosis of the liver
and no-one would bat an eyelid!

You can't get cirrhosis
if you're under 60.

Oh, good, it's you.

No, hang on, not cirrhosis.
What am I thinking of?

B&Q discount card.

Why aren't you with Lucy?

We're not joined at the hip.

Of course we're joined at the hip.

Or else our legs would fall off.

She's at the restaurant next door.

On a date with a bloke
she's never mentioned.

Do you know about him?

The honest answer?

No, the made-up answer(!)

Yes, I did know about him.

It's early days,
but she thinks he's the one,

and they've been picking out names
for children and everything.

Really?

No. That was the made-up answer.

And the honest answer?

Never heard of him.

Do me a favour.

Can you sort of casually
walk by the restaurant

and check out what's happening?

You want me to spy on them?

Well, "spy" is a big word, Daisy.

No, it's not. Unless
it's written big, like "SPY!"

OK. I'll go and stand outside
and read the non-verbals.

That's how people
really communicate.

Believe it or not,

what I actually say to you
contains very little information.

Great news. Anna's not ready yet,
so I can sneak in another half.

You all right?

You've been a bit edgy
since I mentioned Lucy's date.

Look, I don't want to
tread on any toes here, Lee.

If there is anything
going on between you and Lucy,

now is the time to say.

I'll just text Carl
and I'll tell him to back off.

Why would he listen to you?

I dunno. He just would.

Something doesn't ring true
about all this.

You conveniently appear at the bar
the second that Lucy leaves,

then you ask me loads of questions
about me and her, and now

you're telling me you can stop
this date just by sending a text.

What's going on?

OK.

Carl asked me to help him.

Help him with what?

Carl really likes Lucy,

but he's got this feeling
that she likes someone else.

I said it might be you.

So he persuaded me to casually
bump into you this evening

and do a bit of fishing.

If I find out there is anything
going on between the two of you,

I text him so he doesn't waste
any more of his time.

What kind of a man
asks someone to spy on a person?

I should go next door
and punch him in the face!

He's six foot four.

Well, I should go next door
and punch him in the tits!

So?

What?

Is there anything going on
between you and Lucy?

Because if you have even
the slightest feeling for her,

this might be your last chance
to finally admit it.

I've just told you, no.

Right, OK. That's fine.

Great. She can just
carry on with her date.

You don't want to worry about Carl.
He's a very lovely man.

Charming. Sweet.

All the women love him.

And by all accounts,
he's a very gentle lover.

All right, I do like her,
all right? Happy?

I thought you said she was
like the sister you never had.

Well, she's more like the...
Sister you'd quite like to have?

Why didn't you tell me before?

Because it was
none of your business.

But now it is my business,
because you want me to put Carl off?

Yeah, but I don't want Lucy finding
out what I've just told you, OK?

Does she feel the same
way about you? Maybe.

I'm not telling Carl
to back off on a "maybe".

OK. Definitely. She likes me too.
For sure.

Prove it.

She sometimes does things that
could be considered as flirtatious.

Like what?

Last night she offered me
a bit of flapjack.

Unless that's a euphemism,
that's not flirting.

OK. Sometimes she runs me a bath.

That could be seen as flirtatious.

Or it could be called
dropping a hint.

That isn't enough evidence, Lee.
I'm going to tell him to go for it.

Please, don't. Just lie to him.

Tell him you have found out there's
something between me and Lucy.

And that he should back off.
And why would I do that?

Because we're mates.

And you want to help me.

Because you like me.

Keep going, I'll tell you
when you've got something.

He's my cousin.

He might be your cousin, but I'm...

not your cousin.
What does that mean?

I don't know, I'm panicking!

Look, my fate might
be in your hands.

I am opening up to you here.
I'm telling you I really like Lucy.

I've never told anyone that before.

So please just give me a chance.
I'm begging you.

OK, I'll tell him to back off.

I'll tell him there's
someone else on the scene.

Thanks, Toby.

Well, I'm not doing it just for you.

If there is even the slightest
chance that something might happen

between you and Lucy,
I'm not having Carl getting hurt.

I'm not having him getting involved
in some accidental menage a trois.

That's French for three
people being involved.

I know what it means.

And I don't want three people
being involved any more than you do.

I very much just want it
to be mange tout.

MOBILE BEEPS

He's sent me a text already.

What does it say?

"I suspect you may be right.

"She obviously has feelings
for her flatmate.

"She keeps on mentioning him.

"She says her feelings
are contradictory,

"sometimes ambivalent,
but at other times,

"she has a powerful yearning
to connect."

He's put that?

Course he hasn't,
it's a text message.

It says "OK".

Anyway, he's backing off,
so you've got what you wanted.

LEE SIGHS
Thanks, Toby. It's appreciated.

Do you want another drink?

What if Anna smells
all this booze on my breath?

I've got mints.

She'll see through that.

I know, they're Polos.

So when are you going to do it?

Do what?

Tell Lucy how you feel about her?

Well... er... you know.

No rush, is there?

I've got to plan my approach.

She's a woman, she's not a runway.

I have cleared a path for you.

There is an old Chinese proverb,

"When the path is clearest,
danger is closest."

Who said that? Confucius?

Actually, it was Kung Fu Panda.

Just tell her!

And how am I supposed to do that?

I dunno. Wait until playtime
and slip a note into her satchel(?)

You're unbelievable.
How long have you known each other?

I'm guessing four, maybe five months
and you haven't done anything.

Oh, don't tell me
it's been longer than that.

A bit longer.

How much longer?

Six or seven...

years.

Seven years!

My God, you really could have
slipped a note into her satchel!

My nan had a gallstone
that moved more quickly than you.

OK, so I take my time.

But which is the fastest,
the hare or the tortoise?

The hare is the fastest,
and it has more sex.

What are you doing?
I'm giving Carl some better advice.

You are clearly never going to
do anything about you and Lucy,

so I don't see why I should ruin
Carl's chance of happiness,

or Lucy's, for that matter.

What have you said to him?

I've told him
I made a mistake last time.

That there is definitely
no-one else on the scene

and that he should go for it.

Send him another one and tell him
to back off again. No chance.

I don't see why other people's
lives should be affected

because of your inaction.

You're talking like Lucy
doesn't even get a say in this. Yeah?

But she might not even like him.

Or she may be gazing into his eyes,

and in her head,
an orchestra might be playing

the theme to Dr Zhivago.

Yeah, or in her head,

she might be hearing
that Radiohead song,

You're A Creep.

Or she might be hearing
that Tina Turner song,

You're Simply The Best.

Yeah. Or she might be hearing
that Rolling Stones song,

I Thought You Seemed
So Good On Facebook,

But Your Breath Smells
Like A Tramp's Cock.

All right, I made that one up.

MOBILE BEEPS

Interesting.

What? What does it say?

It doesn't say anything.
It's a smiley face.

Whose face? Lucy's?

What's he doing to her?

It's not an actual face.

It's a colon.

He really is a fast mover, isn't he?

It means message received
and understood.

Oh, great!

Don't take it out on me.

Lucy might have been yours

if you'd had the guts
to tell her a long time ago.

It's not my fault
that Carl is sitting there

telling her he wants to be with her.

But I want to be with her!
Why?

Come on.
What is it you like about her?

Lots of things.

Some of them just
silly little things.

And those are the things
you should have told her.

Women love it when you notice
the little things about them.

Come on, what things?

I don't know. Things like the sweet
little hair she's got on her top lip.

The little patch of eczema
she's got on the side of her neck.

The way that cute bit of skin
hangs down below her arms.

Actually, maybe you were right not
to tell her those specific things.

Yeah well, I think
those things are nice.

And that's why I love her.

Congratulations,
you've finally said it.

To the wrong person,
seven years too late.

Well, maybe it's not too late.

I'm going to tell her right now.

In front of all those people
in the restaurant. Including Carl.

Really?

Yeah. What have I got to lose?

We are talking like it's down to me
and Carl who she ends up with.

But it's not. It's down to her.

And by telling her I love her, at
least I'm in with a fighting chance.

OK, maybe you're right. Go for it.

May the best man win.

Oh, I knew you'd take his side.

I'm not taking sides, Lee.
If you love her, you tell her!

Damn right! You tell her that
she's the only woman for you!

Absolutely! You tell her
that you want to spend

the rest of your life with her!

I will. I bloody will!

You say to her that you want it all.

Marriage, kids. The lot!

What?

I never said anything about marriage.

Well, what were you
going to say to her?

Well, I was going to say,
"Lucy, do you want to come back home

"and we'll see
how things go for a bit?"

So basically, you're offering
to sleep with her.

Well, yes, but...
That's not much of an offer.

Speak for yourself.

Lucy wants the full nine yards.

All right, it's not that much.

She wants it all.

How do you know?

Cos Lucy tells Anna,
and then Anna tells me later.

Why are you so interested?

God, I didn't say I was interested.

You'll find this out
when you get married.

This is stuff you get told.
In great detail.

Do you know how many words
women say every day?

No?
No, no-one does.

You lose count when you get to
about a million,

and then you finish your breakfast.

I'm telling you, Lucy wants the lot.

Marriage, house, garden, kids.

I like...

gardens!

Marriage is a wonderful experience.

Says you.
You're always moaning about Anna.

Yeah, well, I'm not asking you
to marry my wife, am I?

Or run off with her.

Or even just take her away
for a few weeks.

I'm talking about Lucy.

Yes, but you didn't just
say marriage, did you?

It's all the other things.
Like kids.

Kids are great.

Sure, there are nappies and
sleepless nights,

but it's all worth it.
How's it worth it?

It's worth it because every time
you look into that baby's eyes,

you feel this huge,
overwhelming sense of..

..worry.

Worry?

Oh, sorry, I'm not exactly
selling it, am I?

Selling it? I wouldn't even rent it.

What are you waiting for?

I am waiting for the good bits.

Well...

there are some very encouraging
tax incentives.

I know what you're doing here.

You are trying to put me
off to help your cousin.

No, I'm not.

I'm trying to show you
how great marriage can be.

But you don't need me to tell you.

You've seen enough married
couples in your life.

What about your parents?

That's what puts me off.

I've got no good memories
of them at all.

All I remember is sitting on the
stairs listening to them argue.

What about?

About why we couldn't afford chairs.

HE SIGHS

It's just not me, is it?

Marriage, kids, commitment.

So what are you going to do now?

Just try and scupper
every relationship that Lucy has?

No, of course not.

Text your cousin.

And say what?

Tell him to go for the jugular.

I don't mean try and kill her.

Suggest to him that he offers her
that trip to Naples

and say she's been talking
about him all the time to me.

Are you sure?

Yeah. Like you say, who am I to get
in the way of Lucy's happiness?

If you're certain.

That's very noble of you, Lee.

It's like that bit at the end
of Casablanca where

Humphrey Bogart texts
Ingrid Bergman.

TEXT MESSAGE SENDING

Which poet was it who said,

"Of all sad words of tongue and pen,

"The saddest are these:
'It might have been!'"

I don't know, but I thought

it was put better by the poet
Jim Bowen when he said,

"Let's have a look
what you could have won."

I'd better see if Anna's ready yet.

That was quick.

I know. Things suddenly started
to move really quickly.

I had to come away
to compose myself.

This...

company don't hang about.

Company, right.

So did they offer you anything?

Sort of. They want me
to go to Naples this weekend.

I think to kind of cement the deal.

And? What did you say?

Well, it would take me
away from the flat.

Away from everything I've got here.

But it's a big opportunity.

It could be life-changing.

Not something I could
turn down lightly.

So what did you say?

I said...

yes.

So you mean "yes" you turned it down?
Or "yes" you're going?

Yes, I'm going.

Oh.

Well, you've got to move on in life.

And there's nothing for me
back here, is there?

Anyway, I've got a lot to sort out,
so I'd better go.

Don't go.

Sorry?

I don't want you to go to Naples.

I want you to stay here with me.
Because I love you.

If this backfires,
can we pretend I'm pissed?

I can't believe you started
drinking before I got here.

I've hardly had anything.

So why do you smell
like a wino's trousers?

Oh, for God's sake.

Look at Romeo and Juliet.

Do you know how vomit-making
you two look,

gazing into each other's eyes
like a pair of lovesick puppies?

Will you please put us all out of
our misery and just become a couple?

Will you marry me?

Jesus.

I wish everyone paid that much
attention to what I tell them.

That is unfair.

When you told me to propose,
I did so, immediately.

I'll take that as a yes.

Yes!

Lucy?

Lucy, glad I've caught you.

You left your contracts
in the restaurant.

Oh, I don't need them, thanks.

I've decided against Naples
and the whole deal.

I want to stay here.

You don't look much like a man to me.

You need to work on your
chat-up lines, sweetheart.

Where's Carl?

Who's Carl?

Toby's cousin.

Toby's only got one cousin.

She's called Natasha
and she's eight years old.

Get the champagne in, Toby.

Sounds like we're celebrating.

What's going on?

I knew it was
a business meeting all along,

and I knew it involved Naples.

So when Lucy left,
I just waxed lyrical

and made the rest up on the spot.

So Carl doesn't exist?

No.

I got to quite like him, though.

That's funny, cos I still want
to punch him in the tits!

So what about
all that phone business?

What was that, Angry Birds?

I was texting Anna.

So, yes.

So why did you do it?

Because I knew you
want to be with Lucy.

You just needed a kick up the arse.

And I hate seeing you on your own.

Why?
Because then I have to talk to you.

I went to the restaurant...

..like you asked, to spy on Lucy.

I'm afraid she's having
a secret lesbian affair.

So, any more lies?

Toby! Are you getting
this bloody champagne or what?

Only the bit where I said
marriage was a good idea.

It's actually a total,
unrelenting nightmare.

♪ We're not going out

♪ Not staying in

♪ Just hanging around
with my head in a spin

♪ But there is no need
to scream and shout

♪ We're not going out

♪ We are not going out. ♪