Not Going Out (2006–…): Season 7, Episode 4 - Anna - full transcript

♪ Yeah, not going out

♪ Not staying in

♪ Just hanging around
With my head in a spin

♪ But there is no need
To scream and shout

♪ Yeah

♪ Not going out

♪ We are not going out. ♪

Look what the cat dragged in.

If you must know,
I popped upstairs to see Anna.

We had a nice chat and...

There's a dead bird on the floor!



I know. A stray cat dragged it in -
I did just say.

Why haven't you thrown it away?

It's your turn to clear it up.

This is the first time
it's ever happened.

I know, and next time
it'll be my turn.

Lee.

Why were you at the neighbours
again anyway? They're so...

ponsy.

What do you mean, ponsy?

You know, the type that have
vegetables with EVERY meal.

What do you want to
get to know this woman for?

Because she's interesting.

She and Toby go to gallery openings,
first nights,

parties with the
rich and successful.



It's a totally different
world up there.

Good God, you sound like
the Little Mermaid.

Is that what you want, then?
A life like hers?

Yes. Is that so wrong?

Going to events,
meeting interesting new people.

It's better than spending my weekends
sitting watching TV with...

a bag of crisps.

Oh, I see.

And when you say "bag of crisps",
you mean me.

If I'd have meant you,
I'd have said pork scratchings.

Anyway, I've just invited her
to pop down for some tea.

In fact, she'll be here quite soon.

Sorry, are you trying
to get rid of me?

No, of course not.

But, um, if you were going out,

there's a great film
on at the cinema.

It's in 3-D.

Right up your street.

I know where the cinema is.

You know what?

We're not that different,
me and her.

Lee, look at yourself.
You're holding a dead bird.

Yeah, in a Waitrose bag.

I'm usually the networker,

but Toby's job at the hospital
is just as valuable.

He recently did a gall bladder
operation on a top events promoter

and ever since then,

we've been invited all sorts
of wonderful things. Wow.

We got to see the Stones last week.

DISGUSTED: Oh.

The Rolling Stones.

SHEEPISH: Oh.

LAUGHTER

VIP tickets,
right at the very front.

Sounds great.
Toby managed to pull a few strings.

Wow, you must have been
sitting close.

LAUGHTER

I was actually going to go
to that concert as well,

but I was so busy...
closing a huge deal.

Who with?

Er...

I can't say yet,
don't want to jinx it.

In my business,
things can go wrong at any moment.

I thought you were at the cinema.

Whoa, watch it, sister!

Never point at anyone
wearing these things,

you could have had my eye out.

Anna, you know Lee.

Hello. All right?

Lucy's just been telling me about
the deal she's about to close.

The what?

You remember. Last weekend.

I was up all night trying
to secure that big deal?

Oh, yes, the big deal.

Remind me again, Lucy,
how much was it for?

800,000.

Wow, that is a whopper.

So you must be pretty tired.

Are you going straight to bed?

Oh, no,
I've got time for a quick brew.

You won't like it,
it's the special one.

That's all right.
I love Special Brew.

Just a joke. Not a very good one.

Well, better than the one
I was going to do

when you said "the special one".

I was going to say, "Has Jose
Mourinho pissed in your teapot?"

LAUGHTER

Where's the normal cups?

Anna doesn't want to see
your big, ugly mug, Lee.

Anna recently had a baby.

I'm sure she's used to taking
a bigger cup size these days.

LAUGHTER

And she doesn't want to
hear your silly comments.

Lovely jugs, Lucy.

Oh, so it's all right
when she does it.

LAUGHTER

So, what we having to eat?

Sorry? I thought you said Anna
was coming round for tea.

We are having tea.

If we were eating, I think
that would be a dinner party.

LAUGHTER

Well, where I'm from,
we call that tea.

No, Lee. Dinner parties
are what adults have.

Tea parties are what chimps have.

Oh, good God.
I said you wouldn't like it.

What happened to the
normal PG Tips, Lucy?

Lee's a big fan of PG Tips.

His family used to advertise them
in the '70s.

LAUGHTER

Really?

No, it was another joke
about me being a chimp.

Oh, I see.

I'm not a chimp.

PHONE RINGS

Oh, I have to get this.
It's a business thing.

Excuse me a minute. Hello?

What the hell are you doing?

What? You know what.

Trying to derail a
blossoming friendship

with your barbed, juvenile remarks.

I just don't think people
should be false

to try and impress other people.

OK, maybe I am trying
to impress her a bit.

But she's a good person to know.
She's very well connected.

Uh, excuse me.
I know movers and shakers.

Like who?

Me Uncle Colin and me Auntie Val.

He works for Pickfords,
she's a recovering alcoholic.

Anna moves in different circles.

So does me Auntie Val,
after a skinful.

Sorry, another social charity
thing I'm trying to squeeze in.

My calendar is absolutely choc-full.

What is it, an advent calendar?

LAUGHTER

If ever you're looking
for someone

to take a spare invite
off your hands...

OK.

Well, I'll bear it in mind.

Actually, I quite like a party, too.

To be honest, these events
are quite exclusive.

So?

Well, they wouldn't be exclusive
if they didn't, you know,

exclude people.

I thought they were charity dos.

They're not that charitable.

LAUGHTER

But it was a hot day and
there were two dogs locked inside

and the window wasn't
even open a crack.

I mean, what was I supposed to do?

I smashed the window with a brick.

I think you're supposed to
do that with cars, not houses.

Yeah, that's what the owner said.

But she was just upset because
the brick hit one of the dogs.

You know, I'd phone the RSPCA
but I'm worried they'd put YOU down.

LAUGHTER

Are you still annoyed about
Lucy's new, rich, well-to-do,

high powered, upwardly mobile,
important, classy, stylish friend?

Yeah. But thankfully,
you're here to help me forget.

You know my nan used to say,
"If you feel intimidated by someone,

"just go and look at them
when they're on the toilet."

You mean imagine them on the toilet?

Oh, THAT'S why the
headmaster suspended me!

LAUGHTER

Anyway, I'm not intimidated by Anna.

So what's the problem?

Oh, I get it.

You're worried that Lucy's going
to find a new circle of friends,

leave you behind.

So, why don't you just make sure
you're part of it, too?

How?

Anna has made it clear that
I am not getting invited anywhere.

So you invite her
and her husband here.

Those sort of people
love dinner parties.

I can't cook.

Oh, sorry, can you read?

Oh, hello. I wasn't
expecting it to be you.

You haven't got one of
those spy holes then?

No, we should definitely
get one of those.

Is Anna in?

She's at work. Right.

Well, I don't know if she mentioned,

but she came round
to our flat yesterday.

She did mention that, yes.

I was there, so was Lucy.
She mentioned that, too.

We all had a nice cup of tea.
She mentioned that as well.

Anna had a really nice time,
actually.

LAUGHTER

Anyway, er, it got me thinking.

Why don't we invite you
two guys round for dinner?

Oh...

That's very kind.

Great. Well, I will see you
tonight at seven o'clock.

It's very short notice
to arrange a sitter.

Well, I'll let you bring
the baby round, eh?

The more, the merrier.

Right.

So how can you refuse?

I'm not sure, give me a minute.

Look, the thing is that Anna
has very strict requirements

when it comes to dinner.

She doesn't eat wheat or yeast,

or saturated fat or nuts.

Well, that's my deep-fried
Snickers on Weetabix

with a Marmite sauce out the window.

Are you sure?

I mean, I'd hate to make someone
do something they really, really

didn't want to do
in a million years.

I'm positive. See you at seven.

(Oh, God.)

What's going on?

I've just invited Anna and Toby
round for a quick bite to eat.

What?!

Go and cancel, right now.

POSH ACCENT: One does not cancel
at such short notice.

It's very uncouth.

And one does not take
etiquette tips from a man

who sits on the toilet
whilst eating a Pot Noodle.

LAUGHTER

Why am I not allowed
just to make a new friend?

And why aren't I?

Because you don't like her.

And you don't cook.

I watch MasterChef.

You watch porn,
it doesn't make you Casanova.

Look, I'm sorry, Lee, I know
you've gone to a lot of effort,

but they're not coming
and that's the end of it.

KNOCK AT DOOR
I hate you.

Because I just wish you'd bloody
asked me first! Yes, but...

Oh, hello.

Anna was just saying what
a lovely surprise it was

to get your invitation.

Yes, a real surprise.

Well, I'm just glad you were free.

I thought Toby was going
to say you were busy. Yes.

Yes, he could have said that,
couldn't he?

So in the end,
I took a course of antibiotics

and just had the trousers
dry cleaned.

LAUGHTER

I mean, the cat had
to be destroyed, though.

So, everyone enjoying dinner?

It's very...

interesting.

It's Jamie Oliver,
his speciality chicken dish.

We like Heston, don't we, Anna?

Oh, so do I.

Have to be honest, I'm surprised
you two do, though.

Why?

You just don't strike me
as the kind of people

to eat out at service stations.

LAUGHTER

Heston Blumenthal,
not Heston Services.

Right.

Well, I think it's lovely, Lee.

I think you've done a great job.
You're too kind, Toby.

He is, isn't he?

Care for a little wine?

I'd hardly call that a little wine.

No, a Lidl wine. A wine from Lidl.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

So, Toby, surgeon.

Sounds like a fascinating job.

Well, you get to meet some
very interesting people.

And some horrible ones. Tell them
about that person last week.

Well, we had...
They had a man come in.

How heavy was he?

He was about...
About 26st.

Tell them what he ate for breakfast.

Apparently...
Eight doughnuts, apparently.

Every day for 15 years.

Just stuffing his face all day.

Tell them what else he ate.

Well, four...
Four massive pizzas every day.

All day, just stuffing his face.

He probably only stopped eating
to talk to the delivery man.

Or maybe his wife did
all his talking for him.

So tell me, Lee...
He has to be quick.

What do you do for a living?

Well, I have, er,
various businesses.

Have you?

What type?

Various financial things.

Like what?

I'm in stocks.

I wish you were.

We could all throw tomatoes at you...

tinned.

LAUGHTER

Really?

You seem surprised, Anna.

Well, it's just, with you renting
a room, I just assumed...

Oh, no, no, no.

I just crash here when I've got
business meetings this side of town.

I actually own properties
all over London.

Oh, whereabouts?

Mayfair.

Park Lane.

LAUGHTER

Old Kent Road.

There's a big price difference
between the first two

and the last one. I know.

I just like the free parking.

LAUGHTER

Actually, Anna, we should probably
think about getting back

for the babysitter.
You go, if you like.

I want to hear more about
Lee's line of work.

Yes, Lee, spin us some more of that.

Well, why don't I tell you
more about it

next time we all get together?

Actually, one of those charity
galas you were asking about

is on this Friday, Lucy.

The Society Ball,
highlight of the social calendar,

organised by all the top bankers.

The Society Ball,

I think one of the guys mentioned
it recently, actually.

Who's that, then?

Oh, my very good friend, the...

Chief Executive of Lloyds Bank.

Wow.

You really are full of surprises.

The CEO of Lloyds?

You are a dark horse, aren't you?

Probably why he likes me.

LAUGHTER

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

Tickets are like gold dust,

but Toby has been offered four.

So will you both join us?

Love to. It's a date.

Oh, that's great.

Thanks so much for the invite.

Actually, you say "invite".

It's a charity event
so I'm sure you'll appreciate,

the tickets aren't actually free,
I'm afraid.

Of course. How much do we owe you?

£1,000 a plate.

Bloody hell,
how much is the cutlery?

I'm sorry to be such a pain.

Oh, no.

£1,000. I'll write you a cheque.

Actually, Lucy, why don't
you pay for me, too,

and I will sort you out later?

I don't know what's worse,

giving you £1,000 or you saying
you'll sort me out later.

LAUGHTER

Well?

Oh, dear, too late,
already written it.

And that was my last cheque.

You'll have to pay for your own,
I'm afraid.

Oh. This Friday?

No, actually, I have got
a business meeting with

Samuel F Zuckerberg.

Yeah, pretty big deal, actually.
Anyway, enough of me.

I don't want you all thinking
I am stinking rich.

Oh, don't be modest.

You're halfway there.

LAUGHTER

Oh. Surprised to find you in here.

Thought you'd be brokering
some huge deal with Alan Sugar.

Well, I can't get too close to him.

I'm diabetic.

You're not actually a millionaire,
are you, Lee?

Well, it depends how you
define millionaire.

Well, for argument's sake,
let's say it's a person...

with £1 million.

In that case...

..no.

How much are you worth, exactly?

Depends. On what?

On who's buying the next round.

I thought so.

Well, your wife
seemed to fall for it.

Well, that's the thing about Anna.

You wave enough money around
and she'll swallow anything.

LAUGHTER

Excellent restraint.

Look, here's a thought...

Great, if it becomes a sentence,
let me know.

What if I couldn't
get hold of the tickets

to this big charity event
after all...

but you could?

And how am I supposed to do that?

Give my mate Pudsey a ring?

You could take these.

I'll pretend to Anna and Lucy
I couldn't get hold of them.

That way, you do the inviting
and all four of us get to go.

I thought you'd already
worked out I can't afford it.

Don't worry, they're all paid for,
aren't they, by me.

MESSAGE ALERT

Oh, God...

Anna's wondering where I am.
I'd better go.

There you go,
you've just doubled your portfolio.

Hang on.

Is this pity?

Is this the big posh man
taking pity on poor little Lee

and letting him go to the party
as well as a special little treat?

That's pretty much it, yeah.

Fine, just checking.

I'm sorry, Lucy.
Here's your cheque.

Toby assured me he could
get those tickets.

Oh, I'm sure there will be other
events every bit as good.

Don't feel bad, Toby.

No. There's nothing else
as good for ages.

Toby should feel bad.

She knows I'm right here,

we just do most of our communicating
through other people nowadays.

Hello, all. Looking forward
to your big night out on Friday?

Bit of a sore point actually.

Toby couldn't get
the tickets after all.

Oh, Toby, what happened?

My contact went cold on me.

Well, don't blame yourself,

these things happen
on the operating table.

LAUGHTER

Well, guess what I've got
in my pocket.

Not now, Lee.
LAUGHTER

Four free tickets to the same
event from a business contact.

Who?

If I told you, I'd have to kill you.

Go on, tell her.

LAUGHTER

I've literally just got them from my
good friend, the CEO of Lloyds Bank.

I was playing five-a-side with him.

This is great. Thanks, Lee.

But I thought you had a big
business meeting on Friday.

Oh, yes, I did.

But Lou Zuckerberg cancelled on me.

I thought his name
was Samuel Zuckerberg.

It is. Lou is his nickname.

Why?

He's incontinent.

LAUGHTER

SLOW JAZZ MUSIC

Thanks for supporting such
a worthwhile charity event, folks.

And don't forget, if you fancy
joining us on stage

to sing a little number,
you'd be more than welcome.

In the meantime, here's a little
Fine Romance to put you in the mood.

It's all right, Lee, you don't have
to show the tickets to everyone.

It's hard to tell when everyone's
dressed as a bouncer.

You look very dashing
in that tie, Toby.

He always struggle to do the bow.
I have to do it for him.

Don't worry, I'm the same
with Lee's shoelaces.

You don't scrub up too badly,
do you, Lee?

Thank you. You're a very
attractive scrubber yourself.

Is it Ozwald Boateng?

Er, yes, it is, actually.

For the posh events,
I go to posh shops.

And for charity events...

LAUGHTER

I still don't know how the hell
you ended up with those tickets.

I found a ha'penny in the gutter

and used it to buy a bar
of Willy Wonka chocolate.

I told you, I play five-a-side
with the CEO of Lloyds Bank.

Do you?

Yes, Lucy. You know, there's
a lot you don't know about me.

Well, there's one thing I do
know about you, you like free booze.

Don't go crazy tonight, yeah?

Excuse me, Lucy, I think
I know a bit about self control,

thank you very much.

What is he doing?

Sorry. I should have warned
you about his problem.

Does he like the booze?

No.

He's a bit of a dick.

Does he always let
his hair down like this?

Yep. First his hair, then me,
and eventually his trousers.

Well, I don't know about you losers,

but I'm making some pretty good
business contacts here tonight.

So Anna, you having fun,
sweet cheeks?

Yes, it's a great night.

It's all right, I suppose, if you
like free champagne, ice sculptures

and dwarf tossing.

They haven't got dwarf tossing.

Haven't they? Well, I owe that
bloke over there an apology.

Sorry, mate!

Thanks for a great night, Lee.

I just wonder if maybe it's time
for you to get your coat.

Oh, why, Toby! And your wife
sitting right in front of us!

She doesn't get the jokes,
this one, does she?

I'm just saying, Anna...
MUSIC CUTS OUT

LOUD VOICE: I think your
husband's trying to shag me!

LAUGHTER

Hi, Anna.

Hi!

Everyone, this is Jenny,
top banker at HSBC.

Not any more, I'm now with Lloyds.

Uh-oh.

Oh, Lee here knows
your CEO very well.

He plays football with him.
What? Joe Ashton?

Yeah, that's him. Yeah, Joe Ashton.

Yeah, he's a good footballer,
Ashers.

Very dangerous on the wings.

I imagine he is, especially in
that great, big, heavy wheelchair.

Well, this was before
he was in the wheelchair.

In fact, it was me
that put him in it.

Really? You gave him
polio as a child in Kenya?

Actually, it's not five-a-side
I play with him, it's the other one.

Connect Four.

LAUGHTER

You've never met him before,
have you?

No. So where the hell
did you get the tickets?

OK...

cards on the table.

I won them off Theo Paphitis
in a game of snakes and ladders.

Oh, for God's sake.

I gave them to him.

What?

I'm sorry, Anna. I just felt
a bit sorry for him, that's all.

The poor guy's got no money

and he was so desperate
to be friends with us.

I'm not desperate,
she's the one that was desperate.

She's the desperate one!

Yes, and you're the drunk one.

Well, maybe I am drunk.
But you are sober.

And in the morning, I will be ugly.

So I'm guessing you don't own
any businesses, then?

No. None. I'm not like you.

I wasn't born with
a silver spoon up my arse.

I don't eat muesli for breakfast
and drive the kids to John Lewis

in the back of a Range Rover
with little screens

that show Danish crime dramas
on BBC Four.

And I don't know what quinoa,
fennel and ramekins are,

but I'm guessing they're the
names of your future children.

Oh, God.

And you know what?

I am proud of it!

I do scratchcards whilst
watching Jeremy Kyle,

I like eating Turkey Twizzlers and
Dairylea, washed down with Lambrini.

I go to the bingo non-ironically.

I've never eaten a peanut unless
I've thrown it in the air first.

And I don't think of Panini
as a piece of bread,

it's a sticker album.

And I have got a bag for life
from Greggs.

I am scum!

There you go,
that's the washing up done.

Just go. Now.

Well, clearly I'm not wanted
round here anymore.

I will go and sit with
my real friend, Joe Ashton.

No, Lee. You made that up, remember?

Oh, yes.

Right, let's try to enjoy
the rest of the night

and pretend the drunken monkey
was never here.

Good idea.

That's a bit much, Anna, He may have
had a few too many drinks but...

We'll talk about this
when we get home.

Can't we talk about it now?

I feel safer with witnesses.

Look, it doesn't matter.
He's gone now.

Let's just enjoy the evening.

TAPPING ON MICROPHONE
Can you hear me at the back?

Oh, God.

This song is dedicated to
a very special friend of mine.

It's an old classic by Simon Ninone.

Nina Simone. Whatever.

God, please don't let anyone
know he's with me.

This one's for you, Lucy Adams.

Yes, you, the one with the blue
dress and the pink butterflies,

trying to ignore me, yeah, you.

MUSIC: I Ain't Got No
by Nina Simone

♪ I ain't got no home
Ain't got no shoes

♪ Ain't got no shirt
Ain't got no sweater

♪ Ain't got no perfume
Ain't got no bed

♪ Ain't got no money
Ain't got no class

♪ Ain't got no mind... ♪

Can't argue with any of that so far.

♪ Ain't got no mother
Ain't got no culture... ♪

Why the hell do you let this
scumbag live with you, Lucy?

He's got some good points.

Look at him, he's a mess.

Steady on, Anna. It's what's
on the inside that counts.

Typical surgeon.

You need to ditch him, Lucy.

You could really go places without
someone like that dragging you down.

♪ Why am I alive anyway... ♪

All we need to do with you is
smooth off some of the edges

that hanging round with
this waster has left on you.

What edges?
(Oh, God.)

You won't believe this,

but you could be quite attractive.

Tomorrow I'm taking you
to my hairdresser.

I'm going to give you
a complete makeover.

By the end of the day,
you won't recognise yourself.

At least she lets you
choose your own pants.

LAUGHTER

♪ Got my soul, got my bag

♪ I got my sex... ♪

Come on, Lucy, forget him.

There's some very eligible
young men I'd like you to meet.

Do you think so, Anna?

Don't you think I should
smooth my edges first?

Get my hair done?
Stop recognising myself?

Maybe you'd like me to get my teeth
straightened while you're at it?

Toby knows an amazing dentist.

♪ I got life!
LOUD CRASH

Actually, I think I'm going
to go and fetch my pet monkey

and get a kebab.

Sorry about Lee's behaviour, Toby.

Especially after you kindly
got us the tickets.

Oh, there's no need to apologise.

This is one of the most enjoyable of
Anna's events I've been to in ages.

Don't worry if you
need to go schmoozing.

I'm quite happy to stay here

and slap myself in the face.

Thanks for getting me home.

That's OK. I wasn't enjoying
the evening that much anyway.

Anna made it quite clear
I have common touches.

You don't have any common touches.

Thank you.

Do you want some?

LAUGHTER

Will you be seeing Anna again?

Well, she only lives upstairs.

I'm bound to bump into her
in the foyer now and again.

Although I think she'd prefer it
if you used the tradesman's entrance.

Blimey, and she says I'm common.

She's got a nerve, telling you
to get your hair done.

I think it looks lovely.

♪ Don't go changing... ♪

No, more singing. Right.

♪ Yeah, not going out

♪ Not staying in

♪ Just hanging around
With my head in a spin

♪ But there is no need
To scream and shout

♪ Yeah, not going out

♪ We are not going out. ♪