Not Going Out (2006–…): Season 4, Episode 4 - Dancing - full transcript

# Yeah, not going out

# Not staying in

# Just hanging around
with my head in a spin

# But there is no need
to scream and shout

# We're not going out

# We are not going out. #

Oh, don't worry, Lucy.

My mum used to say that tears
were like Elton John -

much better once they were out.

Because he wasn't always a homose...
We got it!

# I'm on my way from misery
to happiness today



# Ah-ha, ah-ha, ah-ha, ah-ha

# I'm on my way from misery
to happiness today

# Ah-ha, ah-ha, ah-ha, ah-ha

# I'm on my way
from what I want... #

It's The Proclaimers.

I thought it'd get a laugh.

Jedward?

What's going on?

Can we talk about it in the morning?
What, you mean...

# When I wake up...? #

What's happened?

It's Tim and Lucy's parents. They're
thinking about splitting up. Why?

We don't know. They won't discuss it.

That's why I've invited Dad over
to try and get to the bottom of it.



You've done what?! Don't get
involved, Lucy, They'll be fine.
Fine? They're splitting up, Tim!

Don't say that!
Why have you got to ruin everything?

This is like when you were five.
"There's no tooth fairy, Tim!"
Aren't you ten years older?

I was a late developer, all right?

Typical! First sign of trouble
and you're like an ostrich,
burying your head in the sand.

That's a myth. Ostriches don't bury
their heads in the sand.

What do they do? Stand around
with gawping faces

while more grown-up birds take
responsibility for mending the nest?

Doubt it. They probably just
fly off, don't they?

Dad's on his way, and we'd have
a better chance of him opening if
you and Daisy weren't here.

Do you not think you're
overreacting a bit?

What?!

My mum and dad split up
when I was a kid.

I survived, moved on, became
a well-adjusted, rounded adult.

Go! Just get out!

Come on, Daisy.
I know when I'm not wanted.

Yeah, days that end in a "Y".

Oh that's today - Friday!

Sure you won't don't want a drink?

No, thanks.
Drinking makes me thirsty.

Lucy wasn't very happy with you,
was she?

The problem with Lucy,
she let's her heart rule her head.
I'm like that.

Yeah, well, in your case,
it's probably best to leave
something else in charge.

You should try making it up to her.

How? Well, the quickest way to a
woman's heart is to do a thoughtful,
unselfish, considerate act.

What's the next quickest way?

Anyway, what do you mean,
to her heart?
You know what I mean!

No, I don't. You want to be
with Lucy, but you can't,
because she's out of your league.

They said that about Blackpool.
Who did?

I don't know. Come on, who said it?

Do you know what I'm talking about
when I say Blackpool? No...

But you want to know who said it?

It's more important to know who's
talking than what they are saying.

No, it's not.
I overheard John Malkovich
talking about Blackpool once.

John Malkovich?! See?

You didn't say, "Blackpool?!"
You said, "John Malkovich?!"

You were more worried about
who said it, not what was said.

The point is...

..they said Blackpool Football Club
wouldn't make the Premiership,
and guess what happened?

They beat Cardiff 3-2
in the play-off final.

How do you know that? I told you,
I heard John Malkovich talking
about it on Match Of The Day.

Do you mean John Motson?

No, John Motson's the actor.

You know, he was in that film,
Being John Malkovich...

It's a pity that there isn't
a way for you to help Lucy's parents
get back together.

That would be a pretty good way
to Lucy's heart.

Psst!

Psst! I think your brain's
got a puncture.

I know something you don't know.

You're not going to tell me Jimmy
Krankie isn't a real boy again?

Tim's mum told me
what the problem was.

She made me swear not to tell
another human being,
but I can tell you.

She's sick of Geoffrey
being so controlling.

Apparently, she wanted to
go ballroom dancing recently,
and he wouldn't let her.

All this over ballroom dancing?

Exactly. Maybe you should have
a little talk with Lucy's dad,
make him see sense.

I'm sure Lucy would
be very grateful...

You'd soon be like Blackpool then!

Getting lots of top-flight action.

I mean sex. I got it!

So, are you are you going
to talk to him,

convince him to stop being the one
who always has to wear the trousers?
Is the Pope a Catholic?

He is a Catholic. Right.

Lucy might be right -
you might feel better if you
told us what was going on.

The last time you wanted to talk
about adult things was when
you asked me the facts of life,

and what happened then?

That's right, you were sick.

I'd had a dodgy pint.

Dad... For the last time,
I'm not discussing it.

What were you told
about staying out? Argh!

What were you told about
not letting your dog on the sofa?

I agree with you, Dad. This is
just between you and Mum,
but you still need to sort it out.

What have you done
with my girlfriend?

I left her in the pub on the
fruit machine - told her it would
count towards her five-a-day.

Sorry to hear you and Wendy
are having problems, Geoffrey.

Women, eh?

Can't live with 'em,
can't...bloody get one.

Chalk and cheese, aren't we,
men and women?

Women are the cheese - fragrant,
luxurious, need to be savoured...

But they're also complex...

and...blue and...veiny.

And men are the chalk -

happy to just...stay at home
and not go ballroom dancing.

Who told you about that?

Oh, a little bird.
Well, headless chicken.

Ballroom dancing. It's ridiculous,
I blame bloody Bruce Forsyth.

The thing is, Geoffrey,
it's all about compromise.

My dad's favourite saying was,
"When it comes to relationships,

"you can either choose to be right
or you can choose to be happy."
Actually, that's not true.

His favourite saying was, "Get me
20 Silk Cut, and if they ask for ID,
say you've got dwarfism."

But the point is, sometimes in life,
you've just got to choose
between those two things.

Still here, Lee? Actually,
Lee and I having been having
a nice chat, as it goes.

Really?
Yes, it has been very enlightening.

Talk about not judging a book
by its cover.

What, even if the title's I'm From
The North, I'm Clueless And I Stink?

He's actually been very insightful.

The cue for the thank-you hug
starts here.

I may even throw in a free kiss
at no extra charge.

He's made me put a few things
into perspective.
Cashier number five, please!

Sorry, madam, I'm going to have to
weigh those first.

Too much.

He's made me see
there's really only one choice.

You're going to
patch things up with Mum? No.

I'm going to pack my bags and move
in here for a while. Make a clean
break from your mother. What?!

You made some very salient points.

But I'm from the North,
and I'm clueless...and I stink.

What did he say this time?

He said, in a relationship,
you can either choose to be right
or choose to be happy.

And I like being right
more than I like being happy.

In fact, I'm almost never happy,
but I'm always right.

I'll take your room for a while, Lee.
You can have the sofa.

I'll go and pack my bags.

Why's your face
gone on screensaver?

Morning!

Ohh... What time is it?

Six o'clock. Has the Queen died?

Well, you know what they say about
early birds and worms.

Always get out of bed early
if you're going out
with a bird with worms.

Look, Geoffrey, I don't know
exactly what's going on
between you and Wendy,

but you're not going to find the
answers in my bedroom. No,
but I did find some other things.

I'll make us coffee.

You're up early.

I'm assuming your dad
woke you up as well.

Am I getting the silent treatment?

You're not very good at whistling,
are you?

It's me that's suffering here.
I'm having to sleep on the sofa.

I'm having to witness the breakdown
of my parents' 40-year-old marriage

whilst I cry myself to sleep at
night about the future of my family.

All right, 1-1.

Anyway, I wouldn't worry
about having to sleep on the sofa
for much longer. What?

Three people, two bedrooms -
you do the maths, Lee.

All right, but if you keep me awake
with your snoring,
you're on the bathroom floor.

You're throwing me out?
It gives me no pleasure to say it,

but if they don't get back together,
it looks like I'll have to.

Actually, it gave me
a bit of pleasure.

Have you or Lucy tried
talking to your mum about this?

Of course, but Mum's worse than Dad,
it's like trying to get
blood out a stone. Let me do it.

Do what? Go round to your mum's and
squeeze her so the blood comes out.

Haven't you done enough damage?

Trust me, I can do more.
I mean, to help.

Who knows? The problem
may lie with your mum.
The problem does lie with my mum.

In her bed. He's called Dad!

Then let me lie with her...

Talk to her!

Come on, Tim. I'm going to
get thrown out. Give me a chance.

Think about it, she might open up
to me. We're not the same blood.
You're not the same species.

OK, you can go. Thanks.

Like you say, I suppose she might
open up to a non-family member.

Just don't muck this up.

At least I'm showing concern. Were
you there for me when me mum
split up with her last boyfriend?

She'd only been with him
for three weeks.

He was like a dad to me.

He got drunk all the time
and tried to sleep with your aunty.

Exactly, just like me dad.

Thanks for the...gift.

Never tasted...Thunderbird before.

17.5%!

I know. And there was a bottle of
Chablis for five times the price,
that was only 12%.

I will never understand it.

Ooh, cheeky.

It's got a sort of...oaky...cokey...

Ah, that's what it's all about.

Look, Wendy...

I know this isn't really
any of my business,

but don't you think you should
meet up with Geoffrey
and talk about things?

It's not that easy. There's...issues.

Carry on.

What you have to remember is that
when I married Geoffrey
I was only 20.

He was already 40.
That's a big age gap.

And is the age gap still the same?

I mean, is it still a problem?

He certainly doesn't want
to go dancing with me.

Is it really worth
all this heartache
just for a bit of ballroom dancing?

It's not that simple.

You see, I've got this...friend.

Right...

A friend. Don't worry, I understand.

Do you?

Yes. I once had a FRIEND,

and my FRIEND was worried

because he had warts on his...

..but when he had the courage to go
to the doctor and talk about it,

my FRIEND's problem was resolved.

I'm not talking about me,
I'm talking about my friend Janet.

I know.

Funny enough,
that was my friend's name, too.

Anyway, my friend Janet went to
the dancing first, and she loved it.

She was getting dancing lessons from
an Italian instructor called Bruno.

Let's just say she was
enjoying her sessions
with the instructor too much.

You don't just mean he was giving
her dance instructions, do you?
Not per se. I know - Bruno.

Anyway, it got me
thinking about things.

Do you know, in my entire life,
I've never been with another man,

and Geoffrey doesn't seem
to want to know these days.

Oh, too much.

To be honest,
Geoffrey and I haven't...

danced for a long, long time.

So, what are you going to do?

I like sex, Lee.

I enjoy sex!

So do I, it's very...pleasant.

I'm even happy
to do it on my own sometimes.

Well, my flesh needs to be touched
and caressed by another friend!

You know if you give yourself
a dead arm first...

So, you're leaving Geoffrey?
I don't know.

What I do know is that
Janet's marriage seemed to be
helped by her affair.

She was getting satisfaction
elsewhere. It made her
more content at home.

Maybe I'd be the same if I,
you know, could...dance...

..even if it was just once...

with another man.

Right, I'd better get going.

Oh, so early?

Yes, I've got to go
and see my friend Janet.

The warts have spread
to his breasts.

Well, did you see her?

Who? Princess Michael of Kent -
who do you think(?)

Funny name, isn't it,
Princess Michael?

Never quite sure
if it's a man or a woman.

You know, like, Queen...Dave II.

Did you see my mum, or not? Yeah.

Did she talk about Dad?

Er, yes, I think
she did mention him.

What did she say about me?

Well, she sort of said...
Oh, for Christ's sake man,
just give it to me.

Yeah, that pretty much
summarises it.

Oh, just say it, Lee!

Do you not think we should
talk in private, Lucy?

If you don't start talking,
I might have to bring out
what I found in your bedroom.

The women in those magazines
looked very odd with Lorraine
Kelly's face stuck over theirs.

Start talking, for God's sake, man.

OK, if you want to know, she said
she might be able to find a way
in which she can be content again.

How?

Right, this isn't easy...

but she said she wants to...

..dance with another man.

She wants... She wants to dance?!

She wants to dance.

With another man?

With another man.

Honestly?

Honestly.

Sorry, are you having
an English lesson?

Over my dead body.
You start dancing with another man,

then he's holding her too tightly
and getting ideas! Exactly.

When I say dance, I mean...

..dance.

I'm sure you did.
I'm sure that's all she means, too.

But how do you know
it won't lead to something more?

She does want more. Oh, I get it.

You mean like a samba?

Something where they really
get hold of each other. What?!

Yes, but we all know where
that could lead, don't we?
Do you know, I'm not sure you do.

Are you both mad?

Can't you see what Lee's saying?

It is more than just dancing.

Welcome to the Cotton-On Nightclub.

This is about Mum's freedom.

All she wants to do is have an
innocent dance with another man, and
you two are making it all sordid.

Sorry, love,
you can't come in, no jeans.

Can't you see that letting her
do this would symbolise a loosening
of control, which is the problem?

Not a chance. For God's sake,
Dad, what's the matter?
It's one bloody dance!

I'll dance with you in a minute,
young lady.

Please, let's not make this
any more complicated.

Where's everyone gone?

Your dad and Tim went for a walk,
they wanted to clear their heads.
What about Daisy?

She went too. Can't help thinking
her head's clear enough as it is.

Everything's going to
work out for the best.
Do you know any other cliches?

Just Gael. Gael Clichy,
plays left-back for Arsenal.

I must be depressed. I'm usually
on the floor when you do your
jokes about the Arsenal back four.

Want to hear the one about
David Seaman being
transferred to Cockermouth?

Thanks. What for?
For making the effort with my mum.

It's OK.
At least she got it off her chest.

Funnily enough, that's the
punch-line to the David Seaman joke.

I just wish Dad and Tim
would see that one dance isn't
going to kill anybody.

Lucy, trust me, you can't allow
your mum to dance with another man.

Yes, we can. >

Tim and I have been having a chat.
After long deliberation,
we think you're right, Lucy.

We need to encourage your mum to
have this dance if it's so important
to her. That's great! Hang on.

Dad's right. If there's even
a small chance of saving
their marriage, we have to do it.

It's important Mum gets everything
she's looking for, even if I
have to give it to her myself.

No, that's no good, Tim. I have to
approach this with a new
attitude of respect and freedom.

It can't be you, it has to be a man.

I mean, another man to dance with,
not you.

But it still needs to be someone
that we know and trust.
Yes, but the question is, who?

Please tell me
there's someone stood behind me.

I can't dance with your mother.

Oh, don't be modest. I've seen you
dancing on your own in your bedroom.

Right, well, that's decided, then.

Lee can ask Wendy to go dancing.
Do I get any say in this?

What's your problem? All we want
you to do is give my mum a dance.
It can be a really quick one.

Please stop!

Lee, this could solve everything.
Mum could see that
Dad's loosening control

and you get your room back
without being thrown out. Why are
you being so selfish? Fine!

You want me to dance with your
mother, I'll dance with your mother.

In fact,
I'll foxtrot her brains out.

Why do I have to wear your suit?
I look like an idiot.

Don't be silly,
you look like James Bond.

The name's Head, Knobhead.

It's important you look the part.

Oh, I look a part, all right.

The part that's being squeezed
to death in these trousers.

Whoever called it ballroom dancing
obviously wasn't wearing these kecks.

Please make an effort.
I know it's not your thing,

but if she wants to show you
something, just do it - all
the different moves and positions.

And here...take my car. I want you
to drive her home in style.

Just don't leave a mess
on the back seat. What?

I know what you're like
for chucking empty wrappers.

What kind of wrappers?

Mars Bars?

Right.

Right, we'll leave to you
carry on getting ready.

Are you sure about this?
It's not too late to call this off.

What do I know about
ballroom dancing? What will we say?

Throw in a few key words -
that'll keep Wendy happy.
Do you know Ginger Rogers?

To be honest, I didn't even know
Wendy was ginger. What?

Nothing.

You look nice. How are you feeling?

Not very nice.
I know you're nervous.

Think of it as a date.
Ooh, let's not.

Lucy, this is stupid. I can't
even dance. Oh, it'll be fine.

You know what Mum's like. She
loves teaching people new things.
It empowers her.

With Dad, she's always having to
be submissive, but this will
give her a chance to be on top.

I am trapped in a Carry On film
nightmare and I can't wake up.

Come on, it's easy, I'll show you.

What are you doing?

I'm going to teach you
a thing or two, then you can
work your magic on my mum.

Right, first things first -
a man leads.

I've got a dog lead -
can we improvise?

That's a funny image - you on
all fours with my mum rubbing...

Can we just get on with it, please?
Ready?

See? It's easy.
It's like riding a bike.

I fell off a bike when I was a kid
and broke both me legs.

I doubt tonight will result
in two broken legs.

Mmm, famous last words.

And don't forget, it's what you do
after the dance that really counts.

How do you mean?

You've got to dip her.

What?

Catch.

Wow! That's great!

Who knows, when you finish with Mum,
I might even let you dance with me.

Sorry.

Ooh, how lovely, shampoo!

Well, you're worth it.

I hope you're not
trying to get me drunk.

No, I'm not.

To be honest,
I'm already slightly merry.

I had a bit more of that Thunderbird
before I came out.

It's a naughty little thing,
isn't it?

Yes, very naughty.

I'll have to punish it later
by using it
to unblock the toilet again.

Are you ready to lose your virginity?

Well, I... What?

You'll have to excuse me,
I've got two left feet.

That's ones mine, the other
belongs to Daniel Day-Lewis.

Ssh!

Just go with the flow.

It's difficult to get any sort
of flow going in these trousers.
We don't want that, do we?

Shall I tell you a little secret?

Oh, my head's all full of
little secrets. I don't think
it could handle another.

The trick is not to wear underwear.

It frees you up.

I'm not wearing any knickers.

Oh, for the love of God!

How's your dip?

Not great,
but I'm willing to give it a try.

Well, I'm certainly up for it,
if you are.

That was fantastic!

I think you're ready to move up to
the next level, don't you?

Geoffrey, what are you doing?
I'm sorry, Wendy.

I thought I could stand by and
watch another man dance with you,
but I can't. Come on, darling.

I've got some making-up to do.

Geoffrey, that was amazing.

Trust me, it doesn't end there.

Let's get you home, young lady.

I reckon you're in there, son.

You know she's not wearing
any knickers?

Well, at least it looks like Mum
and Dad are going to be fine now.

Well done. That's all right.

I was much happier taking one
for the team than giving one.

What?

Nothing.

You know, Mum wanted to thank you
herself, but she's a bit tied up.
Ooh, go, Geoffrey.

Thanks, Lee.

Mum said you were making
some pretty fancy moves
on that dance floor. Did she?

Maybe you could show me a few moves
when you're feeling better.
I wouldn't mind seeing you in action.

I've heard you've got
a pretty impressive mambo.
You know what?

I've had enough of all
this innuendo. It causes too much
confusion and pain.

Why don't we just have
sexual intercourse?

Cheeky. Ooh!

# Yeah, not going out

# Not staying in

# Just hanging around with
my head in a spin

# But there is no need
to scream and shout

# We're not going out

# We are not going out. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd