Not Going Out (2006–…): Season 4, Episode 6 - Life on Mars Bars - full transcript

SONG PLAYS

Got any plans tomorrow, Lucy?
Nothing special. Why?

Because your clever little flatmate

has managed to wangle two VIP

guest tickets to Wimbledon.

Oh my God, the tennis?

The dogs.

Come on, it'll be a laugh.

Where else do you get to lose money
and shout abuse at a whippet?

Every month when your rent's due.

Look, Lee, it's very kind of you,
but it's not my sort of thing.



What isn't, me or the dog racing?

What?

Nothing. Forget it.

Drop me off here. I'll walk now.

Oh, don't be ridiculous,
we're miles away.

Well, I need the exercise.

I'm in trap six and
those wide bends are always tricky.

Look, why don't we leave the car
here? We can walk back together.

I'm fine thanks, Lucy.
I'm a big boy now.

I don't need someone holding my hand
when I cross the road.

SCREECHING

Ow.

♪ We're not going out

♪ Not staying in



♪ Just hanging around
with my head in a spin

♪ But there is no need
to scream and shout

♪ We're not going out

♪ We are not going out. ♪

Either I'm at home
or God shops at IKEA.

Oh.

Thank God you're awake!

What's happened?
You've had a severe head injury.

You were hit by a car.
What was the reg? I don't know.

Lucy, where there's blame,
there's a claim.

Carol Vorderman
doesn't say these things for fun.

Why am I dressed like
a 1960s transvestite?

Lucy, what's going on?
Why am I not in hospital?

I told the doctors I wanted to take
care of you, so I discharged you.

But you're not qualified. Well, who
would you rather have treating you?

Someone who may have a framed
medical certificate hanging from
his wall, but who doesn't know you,

or someone who might not have
the medical background

but who does know you.

And not only likes you,
cares about you.

Really cares about you.

Definitely the first one.

It's a severe head injury, Lucy.
It's not a splinter.

You can't pull it out
with your teeth,
then rinse your mouth out with gin.

That's not what you do for
a splinter. I always thought Mum
was being swayed by the gin.

I'm going to take care of you, Lee,
and then we're going dog racing.

I'm even going to buy you your own
greyhound, and we'll watch it race

while eating pie and peas and sipping
a pint of bitter under the moonlight.

It's like watching a Yorkshire
remake of Gone With The Wind.

Take me, now.

Do you mean sex or dog racing?

You know what I mean.

I want you to make love to me
right here, right now.

No buts.

I wouldn't dream of asking for that.

Oh, I see. I get it. What?

This. It's a dream, isn't it?

What makes you say that?

Because I don't remember asking Dad
to stand there dressed as me mum.

All right, son.
I reckon you're in there.

Bloody hell. What are you wearing?

You look ridiculous.

OK, Lee, none of this is real.
It's a dream.

You're actually lying in a hospital
bed in a coma. We're all there.

Me, Tim, Daisy.

I don't think Daisy's fully grasped
the enormity of the situation.

She's brought you a jigsaw.

And the doctor's just been in
to see us.

It's not good news.

He says you might not... make it.

Not the jigsaw.

He says you might not pull through.

Lee?

Lee, can you hear me?

Lee, it's Lucy,
I need to know if you can hear me.

Can you hear me, Lee?
Lee, can you hear me?

Yes, I can bloody hear you.
I'm in shock. Shut up!

Lee, can you hear me?

Lee, it's Lucy, can you hear me?

It's no use, Lucy.
He doesn't know we're here.

All we can do now
is pray that he eventually wakes up.

Would you say this bit is

a piece of cloud or some spilt milk?

We've got more important things to
worry about at the moment, Daisy.

You should always
start with the four corners.

The doctor said
he might never fully recover.

He might need round-the-clock care.

It's a good job he's got us
as friends, isn't it?

I'll always be there for him,
Lucy, whatever.

Talking to him, feeding him,
mopping his brow.

He said he might not even be able
to go to the toilet on his own.

Wake up, Lee, for God's sake!

I wonder what he's dreaming about.

I don't even want to think about it.

Trapped inside his own mind
like a prison.

God only knows what kind of
hellish time he's having in there.

Just give it to me, big boy.

Then afterwards,
I'll make you a lovely fry-up,

or I could go and buy you
some of your favourite chocolate.

I quite fancy a nibble
on a fun-size Mars Bar.

It's like being in
Carry On Up The Coma.

I wouldn't complain, son.

Dad! Would you go home
and put some proper clothes on?

- Standing there in Mum's dress with your big hairy moustache
- and beer belly!

It's like looking at... Well,
it's like looking at Mum, actually.

Oh, for...

Look, Lee, we may never get
another opportunity like this.

You might wake up soon and then
we're back to how it always is.

- What does that mean?
- You know exactly what I mean.

Me and you sharing a flat,

with me constantly looking at you
with adoring eyes,

but knowing you're unobtainable
because you're too mysterious,

too enigmatic,

too good-looking for
a simple girl like me to...

Blimey, this really is
your dream, isn't it?

Make love to me, Lee.

I need time
to think about this, Lucy.

It doesn't feel right
taking advantage of you like this.

Having said that, I don't suppose
that fry-up's... No.

So how are you feeling?
Yeah, I'm fine, thanks, yeah.

I've been feeling a bit under
the weather for the last few days,

but not bad considering
I'm in a bloody coma.

You'll be fine, you hypochondriac.

I know what you're like, it won't
be a real coma. It'll be a man coma.

It's not me that goes to A&E
when I don't need to.

That drawing pin
went in very deep, actually.

Anyway, stop panicking.

You may be lying in bed all day
in a near-vegetative state,

but soon you'll be
back to your old self.

Lying in bed all day
in a near-vegetative state.

Why are you being like this?
Like what?

This. All unbothered and casual.

This isn't my doing,
it's your dream.

But whether you like it or not,
we're really close, you and me.

You're the best friend I've ever had

and I don't want any harm
coming to you.

You know your sister
wants to have sex with me?

Lay a finger on her
and I'll punch your lights out.

If only I'd said yes
to what he wanted,

he never would have
got out of the car.

Why? What was he asking you to do?

He asked me to go dog racing.

What, like on a date?

I'd hardly call dog racing a date.

Where he's from, it's virtually
an offer of marriage.

- SHE SIGHS
- I can't find the four corners.

I can't believe you, Tim.

Your best friend is in a coma
and all you care about
is whether he asked me out.

You're right.

I'm sorry, Lee.

I know I've always given you a hard
time when it comes to you and Lucy,

but if you wake up,

I promise you can take her
anywhere you like.

I'll even let you walk through
Kew Gardens hand in hand

and you can woo her in the new
exotic plant life exhibition.

It's like being pimped
by Alan Titchmarsh.

Please wake up, Lee.

Lee, it's Tim, can you hear me?

Lee, can you hear me? What?

I just said I'd give you permission,

to sleep with Lucy.

I can't do that.

Why not? She's a very
good-looking girl, my sister.

She's got Dad's powerful nose
and my Romanesque jaw line.

I'll bear that in mind
when we're doing it.

It'll certainly make it last longer.

Go on, Lee, I mean it.
Knock yourself out.

Sorry.

- Are you sure
- it's morally the right thing to do?

Absolutely. And maybe you could,
you know, return the favour.

How? Well, let's just say if in this
dream of yours I get back to my flat

and Margaret from The Apprentice
tells me I'm a naughty little boy,

I take my punishment like a man.

Deal.

He's in for a shock
when she turns into Alan Sugar.

SMOOTH JAZZ PLAYS

What's with the flowers?

It was supposed to be a way
of sweet-talking you into bed,

but it looks like
I needn't have bothered.

It took me ages to untie them
from that lamppost as well.

Why don't you join me?

There's room for two.

Well? What?

Aren't you going to kiss me?

Give us a minute.
I'm psyching myself up.

It's like
when I went bungee jumping.

I was so terrified
I could hardly move,

and then I just went for it
and it was all over in seconds.

This is getting better by the minute.

Look, Lee,
you don't have to do this, you know.

I want to.

I just want to know
that YOU want to.

Of course I want to.

Yeah. But this is my dream,

isn't it? Does the real you want to?

Yes, she does.

She really does.

Blimey, that's big.

It feels like a foot.

Like I said, it's my dream.

No, I mean,
it REALLY feels like a foot.

If that's mine,
I'm more flexible than I thought.

All right, son?

Do you mind if I watch?

Dad, I mind if you breathe. Get out!

Where were we?

MACHINE BEEPS RAPIDLY

Well, you're right, his heart rate
has definitely increased.

When did you notice this?

It just started.
Less than a minute ago.

BEEPING SLOWS

It seems fine now.

Well, whatever it was,
it didn't last very long.

It was probably something simple.
Like a synaptic membrane spasm
of the Buccal cavity.

I heard them say it once
on Holby City.

I don't know what it means.

But to be honest, I'm not sure
Patsy Kensit really knew either.

Wow, Lee, that was so...

I know.

..quick.

Don't worry, it's a myth
that women want it for a long time.

Anything more than 60 seconds,
it stops becoming enjoyable. Really?

It's your dream, sweetheart.

I feel so...

Tingly?

No...

All warm inside?

No.

I was going to say I feel so...

pregnant.

What?

You just got me pregnant.
Isn't it lovely?

How do you know, we only just...

Trust me, all the telltale signs
are there. Like what?

Well, there's that for a start.

It's a baby.

Or should I say babies.

No, you shouldn't.
You really shouldn't.

Right, won't be a moment,
I've just got to pop to the kitchen
and puke in the sink.

Don't worry, that's because of
the morning sickness, not the sex.

Having said that,
that thing you did with your...

SHE RETCHES

Don't panic, Lee.

Just remind yourself
this is all a dream.

You're going to wake up very soon.

You mean, you hope you'll wake up.

What are you dressed like that for?
Like what?

Like a Chuckle brother
in an ice-cream factory sketch.

I'm representing the doctor
treating you.

There's no guarantee
that you're going to wake up.

You have to accept this reality for
what it is and make the most of it.

What happened to me real dad?

Right, I'm going to check out
that good-looking bird in Ward Six.

Brush up on my gynaecology skills.

And there he is.

SHE COUGHS

You OK? Yeah, I'm fine.

Where's Lucy? Did you eat her?
It's me.

What happened?

Women put on a few pounds
when they're pregnant, you know.

A few pounds, yeah.
Not a banker's bonus.

You still love me, don't you?

Hang on,
we never discussed the love thing.

Well, what about what we just did?

We made love.

Two became one.

Two became one? Look at you.
It must have been an orgy!

You don't love me anymore!

SHE SOBS

Come here.

Of course I do.

Great! Let's discuss the wedding.

Wedding?!

Yeah. We've got to get married.

You don't want bastard children,
do you?

Not really, but it looks like
I haven't got any bastard choice.

Great. We've got loads to organise.

I want a big white marquee, plus
I've got to find a wedding dress.

Why don't you just get two marquees?

Look, can we sit down
and talk about this properly?

You've made your mind up,
haven't you?

- Let's go.
- Lucy, there is loads to organise. You haven't even booked a car.

Your carriage awaits, madam.

Have you got shares
in a fancy dress shop?

That was the best day ever.

I loved your choice of music
for me walking down the aisle.

My Heart Will Go On, beautiful.

Well, something from Titanic,
it seemed appropriate.

Ooh!

I think the babies are coming.

I'll get a doctor!

Change of plan.

Ooh!

It's too late. Here they come!

Ooooh...

Does the same one
keep going round the back?

SHE GRUNTS AND STRAINS

Last one out, turn out the lights.

Ooooh!

Anything else in there, Dr Who?

KIDS SHOUT, GLASS SMASHES

Oof! That feels good.

Better out than in.

Right, you better help me get
this lot bathed and ready for bed.

You start your new job in an hour.

What do you mean, job? Unbelievable.

Everything that's happened
in this dream so far

and THAT'S the bit
that shocked you the most.

You're the breadwinner now.

So what's this job? Guess.

The way this dream is going,
either rock cracker in Siberia

or a professional backside wiper
to John McCririck.

But knowing my luck, probably both.

Why did I say it? Why did I say it?

I hope you're enjoying your sit down.

It's all right for you,
I've been working all day.

What did you say?

I said it's all right for me,
I've had the slightly easier life

of going out to work whilst you stay
at home all day with the children

doing a job which is much harder,

but goes
totally unappreciated by society.

Come here. Give me that.

Sit yourself down.

You can do that later.

What are you doing?

Well, you've been working hard
all day,

the least I can do
is have sex with you.

Lee, I told you last night,
I haven't got time for that anymore.

Oh, I've had enough of this!

The kids were hard enough, but now
I've got to add on to the list

celibacy and the job from hell.
You know my right arm's gone numb?

A bit of manual labour
never killed anyone.

It was the celibacy
caused the numb arm.

Well, maybe I should take the kids
and live with my mum.

Leave you to a single life
with no responsibilities.

You can jack your job in and turn
the flat into a lap-dancing club

that shows greyhound racing.
Would that make you happy?

Go on, trap five! Go on, yes!

Ohhh. I'll tell you what,
you can say what you want

about being hit by a Ford Escort at
50mph, but it's got its upsides.

I can't lie, he's not progressed

much in the last few hours.

Almost like
he doesn't want to wake up.

Are there any relatives
who can speak to him,
see if that makes him come round?

Well, I've left his dad a message.

Hopefully, he's on his way.

Maybe I could try. He's unconscious.
He might not know the difference.

LANCASHIRE ACCENT: Hello, son.
How's thee fetlin'?

It's your old fella here,
come from t'up north
on t'choo choo train.

Ee by gum, he don't look too clever.

Why not waken thee sen up, son,
and I'll make thee thee favourite,
sugar butties.

Maybe you should try it
with a cap on.

Me and your old mother
are worried sick about thee, son.

Aren't we, me duck?

EXAGGERATED CHINESE ACCENT: Ah, yes,

me very sad, my wittle boy.

Me cry and cry and me think
you are very close to dying.

And this make your mummy
a vely, vely sad rady.

If he thinks his mum
has turned Chinese, I thought
the shock might wake him up.

Who knows, maybe it's me.

In the past, I've always been able
to handle a woman.

Sorry, it's just the club rules.

Not you, I'm talking about Lucy.

OK, I admit it,
I've always liked her

and I suppose I've always wanted
to be with her, but...

it just wasn't what I was expecting.
What were you expecting?

I don't know. Me and her lying
on the sofa, kissing and cuddling.

She playfully hits me with a cushion
and then laughs uncontrollably.

Yeah, I know you might say it's not
what relationships are really about,

but they seem to manage it
on the DFS adverts.

I suppose I've just got to forget
about Lucy and the kids and move on.

Sorry, can you move them back a bit?

- The last thing I saw when I hit the windscreen was the airbags going off
- and it's giving me flashbacks.

Listen, son, it doesn't have to be
over between you and Lucy.

Oh, for the love of God!

Dad, what are you doing?

I'm here to give you two bits
of very important advice

that may save your life, son.

Well, go on, then.

Do you know what makes a real man?

Not even a hint of irony
in his eyes.

I'll tell you. It's somebody
who knows about responsibility.

It's someone who understands about
caring for his wife and children.

Do you know what the alternative is?

You'll end up like me,
old and alone.

And I don't want that for you.

So get your head out of the clouds
and wake up, son.

And what's the other bit of advice?

You can look,
but don't handle the goods.

Hello.

I'm the sheet monster.

I live in your dirty laundry.

Your mum let me in.

- What does she have to say to you?
- She said just cos it was my dream I couldn't act like I wanted

And assume everyone existed
just for my amusement.

And what did you say?

Put the whip down
and put some clothes on.

Come back home, Lucy.

What about the kids?

Do you want them back too?

Course I do. All of them?

Eric, Ernie, Pele, Cassius, Charlton,

Stan, Olly, Harpo, Groucho,

Brucie, Keegan, Sid and James?

All of them.

Even little Nobby Stiles?

Of course I do.
She's my little princess.

I love you, Lucy.

I love you, too.

My mum's looking after the kids.

It looks like
we've got half an hour to spare.

Oh, for God's sake, not again!

You're like Christopher Biggins.

I hardly see you for 20 years,
then you're never out of me face.

I'm sorry.
It's not my fault this time.

They sent me to fetch you.

"LIFE ON MARS" PLAYS

It's time to go home, son.

What's that?

If those bloody kids have ripped off
those roof tiles again,
I'll kill them.

Off you go, son.

We're all waiting for you.

I can't leave Lucy and the kids.

It's fine. None of this is real.

But if you wake up, you might be able
to make it all come true.

All of it?

All of it.

- Even the bit where you got all...
- All of it. Great.

The bigger the 'taters,
the creamier the mash.

Size isn't important anyway.

We could do a deal on that
if you like.

TINKLING

This is like being born again.

Except you're here this time, Dad.

♪ Is there life on Mars? ♪

He's waking up. Will he be OK?

Oh, I should think so.

In fact, people who have
near-death experiences
often become all the better for it.

I wouldn't be surprised
if the old Lee has gone

and what you're left with
is a wiser, deeper,
more insightful version of Lee.

Oh, Lucy. Thank God.

For a horrible minute then
I thought you were going to be
a great big fat pig of a woman.

When you were in a coma,
did you dream?

A bit.

What about?

Just my recurring one about being
chased by a giant orang-utan

whilst he's strangling a cat.

I'm going to have to stop watching
those Simply Red videos.

Come on, what did you dream about?

I dreamt about you, actually.

Did you? Yeah.

You were married with kids. Who to?

I don't know who it was.
Was he good looking?

I would.

In fact, I have.

What was he like? Oh, you know
the type, witty and erudite

with a fine line in sarcasm
that stays on
the right side of endearing,

and a nice light touch
when it came to risque banter

- that always managed to be cheeky
- and never blue.

He sounds like an absolute wanker.

Have you got any plans next Friday?
Nothing special. Why?

Thought you might like
to go to the tennis.

I'd rather go to the dogs.

That's not funny. I've seen you
when you've gone to the dogs.

Is it a date or not?

It's a date.

Good.

I'll take that.