Not Going Out (2006–…): Season 4, Episode 3 - Movie - full transcript
Lucy is approached by a film director to lease the flat out for a day for five hundred pounds. She refuses but Lee goes behind her back and,while she is at work,lets Mike and his actors in. However,it is a porn film and,whilst Tim promises not to tell Lucy so long as he has a walk-on part,Lee's taunts cause the male lead to quit. As a result he finds himself forced to take over the role. Will it all be in the can before Lucy gets back or will he be -literally - exposed to her anger?
# Yeah, not going out
# Not staying in
# Just hanging around
with my head in a spin
# But that is no need to
scream and shout
# We're not going out
# We are not going out. #
Don't come in!
Come back in 20 minutes.
Oh God, please say he's not.
That'll teach me to come
home when Loose Women's on.
Lee, I don't exactly know
what you're doing in there,
but this is my flat and I'm coming
through the door in three seconds.
Two, one.
Do you know, I'd rather have caught
you masturbating.
Why don't you go out
and come back in again?
What are you doing?
The toaster's broken. How else
am I supposed to make crumpets?
There are rules to
lodging in my flat.
They don't say "no barbecues".
They don't say "no dog fighting"
but I don't expect that either.
That's fine. I can cancel that.
Hello? I know this might sound
a little weird, but how would
you like to be a movie star?
Sorry, are you talking to me or him?
Neither, actually.
I was talking to the apartment.
You'll have to excuse
him, he's a bit lofty.
I'm Mike. I'm shooting a movie
in the apartment downstairs.
We almost had everything
in the can and then this
goddamn water pipe burst.
The place is flooded, we can't use
it. I need a place exactly
the same for one day for £500.
Deal.
What have we just been talking about?
Masturba... No!
Sweetheart, at the risk of sounding
like Noel Edmonds, deal or no deal?
Thank God for that, I thought
you were going to call her Blobby.
No deal. No offence, I'm just a bit
particular about what goes on
in this flat.
No offence, but you're
having a barbecue.
Which Lee is about to take
downstairs and dispose of
before I cook him a sausage.
We haven't got any sa... I get it!
Crumpet?
You'll have to excuse my lodger, she
gets a bit fussy about these things.
So you own this place? Absolutely.
And when it comes to making the
decisions, I wear the trousers.
They're still trousers, count
the legs! Anyway, the point
is, I'm willing to negotiate.
Negotiate? I'm thinking a man
who's willing to pay £500 is
probably willing to pay £1,000.
And I'm thinking a guy that has
indoor barbecues in his pyjamas
is willing to accept £100.
The offer is £500.
£950?
£80.
£500. Deal.
I'll see you
tomorrow morning at 8.00.
8.00? My land...lodger doesn't
leave till much later than that,
and she'd only be in the way.
Why don't we say 9.00am?
How about 7.30?
I'll see you at 8.00am.
Tim, I think you're making
a big mistake. Why would you
want to pack your job in?
Because I want to do something
more exciting, more dangerous.
Something that makes you wonder
whether you'll be alive at the end of
the day
and when you are, you know you've
stared at death and laughed in his
face.
And is accountancy
not doing that for you?
What are you two talking about?
I'm looking for a new job.
Why, have you been caught stealing
Blu-tak from the stationery
cupboard? That was a one-off.
Why can't society forget and
allow a man to rebuild his life?
If you must know, I'm thinking
of moving on to something new.
Paperclips?
What's brought this on? I thought
you liked your job. It's OK,
I suppose.
But a senior accounts co-ordinator
with a mid-level brokerage firm
is not exactly what I dreamt about
when I was a kid. Yes, it was.
OK, yes, it was, but it turned
out to be a whole lot less
of a thrill than I hoped.
What did you want to do when
you were a kid, Lee? Nothing.
Well, that's nice, we
both got what we wanted.
Well, I think you should stick
with it. It's a well-paid and
secure position.
HE MOUTHS
SHE MOUTHS
Right, I'm going to go.
Where?
Milk a cow.
Pick up my car...
from the dairy.
You see, the thing about my job
is this. I don't give a monkeys.
I just needed her gone because
I need to ask you a favour.
The thing is, I need you to offer
to give Lucy a lift tomorrow morning
very early to work because I
need her out of the flat. Why?
OK, I'll come straight out with it.
Honesty's the best policy.
I'm having the carpet cleaned.
I spilt some red wine, I've hidden
the stain under the sofa
and I want to get it sorted out
before she finds it.
OK, fine. Great.
But why am I left with this horrible
feeling that you're up to something?
Hand on heart, Tim, all
I'm trying to do is clean up.
Morning.
Morning.
Tim's downstairs.
You trying to get rid of me?
No.
So, Friday night, I'm guessing
you'll be back late,
drinks and all that?
Actually, I was thinking of coming
straight home. Thought I might see a
film. Yeah, you might.
I just bought that new Sex
And The City DVD if you fancy it.
Already seen it. Any good?
Bit too much city for my liking.
So what time roughly?
Oh, I don't know. Half-eight. Great.
I'll see you then. Or earlier.
I might pop back for lunch.
Oh, don't do that. Why don't you go
to that place I took you for lunch?
You know, with the nice sandwiches
and the scented candles. Boots?
Yeah. Anyway, you won't be able to
pop back because you won't have
your car cos Tim's taking you.
Oh yeah.
Why am I smelling a rat?
Have you tried Listerine?
So, have you ever met Al Pacino?
No.
I met his brother once.
Did you? Yeah.
Cappuccino!
He wasn't my cup of tea.
OK, you guys, positions.
We're almost ready for a take.
Right, mate, you promise you'll be
out of here 8.30 tonight at the
latest?
Well, if you go and leave us to it,
I guess we can get wrapped by five.
8.30'll be fine.
All right, just like rehearsals.
I want the dialogue by the window,
then you come down here, hit your
mark, right in front of the camera,
sit down on that coffee table,
and that, sweetheart, is when you
give him the blow job.
You happy?
Ron? Jane?
What time's Freddie getting here?
Rolling.
And...action!
How the hell are we going to break
into this bank without a weapon?
I just can't get my head around it.
Don't worry, baby, I've got something
else you can get your head round.
And trust me, this weapon
is always cocked and loaded.
Oh, if it's the weapon I think
you mean, I think it's ready to
be slipped into its holster!
This is a porn film!
What the hell was that?
Audio descriptive
service for the blind.
The people that come to see
my movies aren't blind, buddy.
Not to begin with, maybe.
This is a legitimate piece of
cinema. It's a...a crime thriller.
Oh, which one's Miss Marple and
which one's Hetty Wainthropp?
All right, it's an erotic thriller.
But it's still a credible
piece of movie-making.
It asks profound questions
about the human condition
and its ability to cope with
complex emotional issues.
What's it called? Sluts in Heat 2.
Get out of the flat. What?
Get out of the flat.
You signed a contract.
If you fail to provide a location,
then you are liable for
the personal cost of £5,000.
And if Lucy finds out I've been
using her flat to make porn films,
I'm liable for
the personal cost of my nads.
Her flat?
You told me it was your flat.
Go on, get out.
No.
What? We're not leaving
till we make our movie.
Well, you can't make your movie
with a broken mic, can you?
I'll scream!
All right, maybe we should leave.
And as soon as I sue your ass,
this Lucy's going to find out
we were here. She might not.
She will when I slip something
through her letterbox.
Oh, you lot just never
switch off, do you?
Of course, if you just leave us
to it, you get your money, we get
our movie, everybody's happy.
What do you say? Looks like I
haven't got a choice, doesn't it?
Right!
We're doing it again. Positions.
Missionary, doggy style, piledriver.
Oh sorry, I thought
we were brainstorming.
Don't we have a slight problem here?
He's broken the boom?
I wouldn't worry about that.
I got an idea.
Action.
What if the cops come after us?
Relax, it's London.
All they have
is truncheons, and, trust me,
my truncheon can top any guy.
Oh, yeah? What's so special
about your truncheon, honey pie?
Let's just say you won't be
in any doubt when you've been
banged by this little baby.
Oh, well, maybe you should
prove to me just how big it is.
Trust me, when you see this
thing, you'll know it's huge.
I've been told by some
it's unnaturally big. Cut!
What the hell are you doing?!
I'm doing my best is what I'm doing.
I feel like a midget
working in a car wash.
A midget working in a car wash?
That's a good scenario.
Make a note of that.
All right, let's change
positions and see if that helps.
In fact, let's just skip to
the scene where you just
start whipping his ass.
OK, Rod, put on your dog collar
and get on all fours.
Sorry, was that you or did
Orson Welles just turn up?
You see, Rod, those four years
at RADA weren't wasted.
You finally got the lead.
OK, rolling and...
action.
Ooh, you naughty, naughty, filthy,
dirty dog.
What is that smell?
It's not a BAFTA, that's for sure.
You're all covered in mud. Now I'm
going to have to sponge you down.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
Look at the mess on my carpet!
That's a novel way of
getting rid of wine stains!
Tim, will you just calm down?
I'm sorry that I lied to you,
but they were just going
to have a bit of a cuddle.
Oh yeah, was he going to roll
over and have his tummy tickled?
I've played Pictionary on that rug.
And now you're allowing
two strangers to film...
rumpy-pumpy on it?!
OK, I'll be honest, there's
a little bit of adult content,
but that's Hollywood.
All the big stars have to do
sex scenes. Mickey Rourke,
Glenn Close, Sharon Stone.
Why should it be any
different for...
Rod Hardpole and...
Janey Flangelove?
Look, it's a legitimate film.
Oh, is that right?
Do you really think John Nettles
would appear in a dirty movie?
John Nettles?
THE John Nettles? Yep.
John "keeper of law and order on
the otherwise dangerous island of
Jersey,
"to say nothing of his
crime-fighting abilities in
Midsomer Murders" Nettles?
That is he. Is he coming here?
No, he's in LA,
doing all the action bits.
These lot are the baddies,
a bunch of degenerate,
sex-obsessed bank robbers.
Not for much longer. Wait till
Bergerac catches up with you!
But Lucy still needs to be told
what's going on. No, she doesn't.
You know what Lucy's like.
She'll worry, stop us filming and
miss out on all that money.
So you're giving her the money,
are you? Of course.
I've got some scruples, Tim.
How much is it?
£200.
OK, I'll keep quiet.
Thanks, Tim. On one condition...
you get me a walk-on part
in the film.
What? You heard.
I'm looking for a more exciting
career path. Maybe this is fate.
It only has to be a tiny little part.
I have no doubt that it would be.
Tim, I can't get you a part in
this film and you are not an actor.
OK, no problem.
I'll just drift off home anyway
and don't worry, I won't say a word
to Lucy. Really?
See, you believed that
bit of acting, didn't you?
Trust me, we've got no choice.
If Tim goes running to
Lucy, everyone's screwed.
Or, more to the point, no-one is.
Lucy will throw us
both out of the flat.
You'll have nowhere to film
Sluts In Heat 2, I'll have nowhere
to watch Sluts In Heat 1.
Just give him a tiny little walk-on
part and nothing that involves
any bad language or nudity.
Jesus Christ! If you've got the
false beard, that would be perfect.
I guess he could stand in for Rod,
right up till the sex scene,
you know, as the pizza guy.
Won't the audience spot
it's a different person?
We won't see his face,
just his helmet.
There is no way Tim is
going to allow you to...
His motorbike helmet! Perfect.
Rod, give that dopey guy your pizza
outfit, then put your gimp suit on.
For the last time, it doesn't really
matter what your motivation is.
Yeah, I know, but I was thinking,
and it's just a suggestion,
perhaps I'm from an Italian family
and I've taken this job
to please my father. But actually,
I'm saving the tips to finance my
real dream of studying tropical
medicine.
Great. That'll really lift it.
What's my line again?
"Who ordered pizza?"
Sorry to go on. I do have
a reputation for being anal.
I'd keep that to yourself today!
Positions!
You forgot this.
Hang on, there's no pizza inside.
And why is there's a hole
cut into the bottom?
So that just before we open the
box you can slip your penis through.
Isn't that a little unhygienic?
Janey, get ready for your scene.
This is definitely not Bergerac!
This is a porn film!
OK, before you barge in there,
stop this film and throw Lee
out of the window,
just remember, he's your best friend,
and things could always be worse.
Hi, darling. See?
I've been looking every where for
you. Why are you dressed like that?
It's my new job. I told you I
was looking for a new career path.
Tim, you're a qualified accountant!
Yeah, but it's actually always been
a secret dream of mine
to work for the...
Hot and Meaty Sausage Company.
But you can't ride a motorbike.
I'm doing it on foot.
So why are you wearing a helmet?
I know, it's health
and safety gone mad.
And why are you delivering to Lee?
Well, he ordered the first one,
you know, to help get me started.
This was all his idea, wasn't it?
I knew I shouldn't have left
him to talk to you in the pub.
I think I need to
have a word with Lee.
Right, Lee, what's all this
business about you encouraging
Tim to resign from his job?
Well, don't just stand there all
innocent, like butter wouldn't melt.
This pizza's cold.
I'll go and get you another one.
Do you want to give me a
hand delivering these pizzas?
He's not coming back, is he?
We're going back to Plan A. Rod,
you're the pizza delivery guy again.
How can I be pizza guy when that
loser's run off with my costume?
When do you ever see a guy on
a motorbike dressed like this?!
"Gimp My Ride"?
Tim won't let us down.
Trust me. He's going to come walking
through that door any minute now.
And look on the bright side, if he's
late, at least you get a pound off.
Hello.
Strange question, have you got
any pizzas you'd like me to deliver?
I don't want payment,
I just like delivering pizzas.
12 ham and pineapple, please.
I've just thought of something.
That outfit that Lee was wearing.
Outfit? In the flat just now,
the leather swimming trunks.
Oh yes, those.
Lee's, um, learning to swim
but he's quite scared of the water,
so he's getting used to wearing
the trunks around the flat first.
What about the rubber gimp mask?
Yes, well, there's a very simple
explanation for that too. Which is?
Lee's a sexual deviant.
Oh, right.
I would've told you before but
he's a bit embarrassed about it.
There's no need to be.
I didn't learn to swim
till I was 22!
OK, you're right.
He's not coming back, is he?
You're going to have to do
something else and quickly. Right.
To hell with this.
Forget the pizza scene. Rod,
take Jane into the kitchen and
bang her over the sink.
Great. There's a couple of pans
that need scouring, if you could
work that into it.
Oi, come on.
Yeah, I'm going to need a
few minutes to, you know...
What, you mean little Jimmy Krankie?
Yes. How long's that going to take?
God knows. We haven't got time for
this, mate.
Look, Jane's ready.
She's a real old pro.
No offence, love.
I bet you think
my job's real easy, huh?
I bet you look at her and
you think, "piece of cake"?
I don't think "piece of cake".
What do you think?
Baps.
Well, it's not and
that's why I need time.
We haven't got time, mate!
So if you don't get in there now,
I will personally come over
there and fluff you up myself!
Bring it on.
Get off me, you lunatic!
I mean it! Get it out now and
start thinking of Felicity Kendal!
That's it. No more.
I quit. What?
I have had it up to here.
Oh, impressive!
Oh, dear. Now what?
I'll tell you what, we
finish making our movie.
How? He's downed tools.
Well, tool.
Actually, it was already down.
Looks like we need a new actor now,
doesn't it? To do the pizza bit?
To do everything.
Are you proposing
that I act in a scene with a female
porn star? I wouldn't dream of it!
All right, I would dream of it.
I have dreamt of it,
but that's not the point. No chance.
You don't do it, not only will
your landlady kill you, I will too.
I wouldn't know what to do! I've
only ever seen the first few
minutes! Look, pal,
we have a contract and
I'm not leaving this apartment
till I make my porno film.
You said it was an erotic thriller.
No, chum, it's a porno.
Hard-core, X-rated filth, and you,
my friend, are my new male lead.
Oh. My mum would be so proud!
I didn't place an order.
I know you didn't. Speak up.
I know you didn't place an order.
It's free. Please just take it.
But I don't like pineapple.
Then pick them off!
What the hell is going on?
Tim has got a new job delivering
pizza. It was Lee's idea.
Oh, bloody Lee, always has
to drag you down to his level.
Oh, don't worry.
He hasn't sunk quite as low as Lee.
Lee's become a sexual deviant.
What?
He's using your flat for some kind
of sado-masochistic bondage session.
Just wait till I get my hands on
him. I'm going to strangle him!
He'd probably enjoy that.
I'm sorry,
Vanessa, drinks are cancelled.
Take me home. Now.
Oh, today just keeps
on giving, doesn't it?
Three, two, one, action!
This is a waste of a
perfectly good melon.
Don't worry, you'll be using the
other half later. Start acting.
I feel like I'm in a nightmare
version of Jim'll Fix It.
Say the line!
Who ordered pizza? Give it to me.
Improvise, for Christ's sake!
OK, I will, and
you're going to love it.
It's 12 inches, piping hot, and
the base is thin and... Not thin.
I mean, it's got a cheesy crust.
I'll start again.
Who ordered pizza? Feel free
to remove your own toppings.
Oh, well, maybe I will.
Oh, it's so hot in here tonight.
Yes, it is, but the good news is,
the hosepipe ban's been lifted.
Cut! What? That was a perfectly
good bit of innuendo.
It wasn't sexy, Lee.
Tease her a bit.
All right, Big Ears, how's Noddy?
Just start undressing her.
Can you go out the room?
I've got to film the damn thing!
Close your eyes.
I can't close my eyes,
I'm directing. Action!
Can I close my eyes? No.
Oh, oh...
Well, say something.
Sorry for staring at your tits!
Call her a tramp. Tell her
what you're going to do to her!
What, give her 50p for a cup of tea?
Why would I want to
have sex with a tramp?
Because your landlady'll
be home any moment now.
Action! Get 'em off, sweetcheeks.
Oh, you're so forceful.
What are you going to do to me?
I'm going to show you a good time,
aren't I, you dirty, smelly,
big-eared homeless person.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah. Now, get that cardie off
or you won't feel the benefit!
Just forget the dialogue and
start making love to her now.
I will, if it'll stop
you shouting at me!
Where are you going?
Put my pyjamas on, brush my teeth.
No, let's just forget the
acting altogether and go
right for the big money shot.
Here's your big moment, Lee.
Oh, my God.
I've had enough. This time he's
packing his bags and leaving.
Why don't we calm down, go for
a drink and discuss this?
Well, let's invite Lee while we're
here, although he might need a straw
if he's still got his gimp mask on.
Not only does he treat my flat like
he owns it, he's now using the
place for his depraved sex games.
Come on, Lucy, that just shows
how irrational you're being.
Lee is far from perfect,
but if there's one thing he
isn't, it's a sexual deviant.
Maybe he's playing Buckaroo.
You're back early.
Look, no barbecue.
You said you weren't going to
be back till half past eight.
I don't know if I'll ever
be able to trust you again.
I should throw you out right now.
He was going to sue me.
No, he wasn't. I asked the flat
downstairs, there was never a leak.
She just threw them out when
she realised it was porn.
Well, hadn't she signed a contract?
No, Lee, she'd signed a six-month
warranty on a tumble dryer.
The same as you if you'd
bothered to read it.
Right. Well, look on the bright
side, I may have gone behind your
back and allowed a porn film
involving bestiality to be filmed
in your living room, but if your
tumble dryer ever breaks down...
You're only staying here on
two conditions. Which are?
Firstly, stop treating the flat like
you own it and, secondly, get a job.
And, as luck would have it,
I've found one for you.
Pizza delivery boy?
You've got to be joking.
Well, there is another option
if you want, involving sex. What?
Take the pizza delivery job,
or you can go and get f...
# Not going out
# Not staying in
# Just hanging around
with my head in a spin
# But that is no need
to scream and shout
# We're not going out
# We are not going out. #
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
# Not staying in
# Just hanging around
with my head in a spin
# But that is no need to
scream and shout
# We're not going out
# We are not going out. #
Don't come in!
Come back in 20 minutes.
Oh God, please say he's not.
That'll teach me to come
home when Loose Women's on.
Lee, I don't exactly know
what you're doing in there,
but this is my flat and I'm coming
through the door in three seconds.
Two, one.
Do you know, I'd rather have caught
you masturbating.
Why don't you go out
and come back in again?
What are you doing?
The toaster's broken. How else
am I supposed to make crumpets?
There are rules to
lodging in my flat.
They don't say "no barbecues".
They don't say "no dog fighting"
but I don't expect that either.
That's fine. I can cancel that.
Hello? I know this might sound
a little weird, but how would
you like to be a movie star?
Sorry, are you talking to me or him?
Neither, actually.
I was talking to the apartment.
You'll have to excuse
him, he's a bit lofty.
I'm Mike. I'm shooting a movie
in the apartment downstairs.
We almost had everything
in the can and then this
goddamn water pipe burst.
The place is flooded, we can't use
it. I need a place exactly
the same for one day for £500.
Deal.
What have we just been talking about?
Masturba... No!
Sweetheart, at the risk of sounding
like Noel Edmonds, deal or no deal?
Thank God for that, I thought
you were going to call her Blobby.
No deal. No offence, I'm just a bit
particular about what goes on
in this flat.
No offence, but you're
having a barbecue.
Which Lee is about to take
downstairs and dispose of
before I cook him a sausage.
We haven't got any sa... I get it!
Crumpet?
You'll have to excuse my lodger, she
gets a bit fussy about these things.
So you own this place? Absolutely.
And when it comes to making the
decisions, I wear the trousers.
They're still trousers, count
the legs! Anyway, the point
is, I'm willing to negotiate.
Negotiate? I'm thinking a man
who's willing to pay £500 is
probably willing to pay £1,000.
And I'm thinking a guy that has
indoor barbecues in his pyjamas
is willing to accept £100.
The offer is £500.
£950?
£80.
£500. Deal.
I'll see you
tomorrow morning at 8.00.
8.00? My land...lodger doesn't
leave till much later than that,
and she'd only be in the way.
Why don't we say 9.00am?
How about 7.30?
I'll see you at 8.00am.
Tim, I think you're making
a big mistake. Why would you
want to pack your job in?
Because I want to do something
more exciting, more dangerous.
Something that makes you wonder
whether you'll be alive at the end of
the day
and when you are, you know you've
stared at death and laughed in his
face.
And is accountancy
not doing that for you?
What are you two talking about?
I'm looking for a new job.
Why, have you been caught stealing
Blu-tak from the stationery
cupboard? That was a one-off.
Why can't society forget and
allow a man to rebuild his life?
If you must know, I'm thinking
of moving on to something new.
Paperclips?
What's brought this on? I thought
you liked your job. It's OK,
I suppose.
But a senior accounts co-ordinator
with a mid-level brokerage firm
is not exactly what I dreamt about
when I was a kid. Yes, it was.
OK, yes, it was, but it turned
out to be a whole lot less
of a thrill than I hoped.
What did you want to do when
you were a kid, Lee? Nothing.
Well, that's nice, we
both got what we wanted.
Well, I think you should stick
with it. It's a well-paid and
secure position.
HE MOUTHS
SHE MOUTHS
Right, I'm going to go.
Where?
Milk a cow.
Pick up my car...
from the dairy.
You see, the thing about my job
is this. I don't give a monkeys.
I just needed her gone because
I need to ask you a favour.
The thing is, I need you to offer
to give Lucy a lift tomorrow morning
very early to work because I
need her out of the flat. Why?
OK, I'll come straight out with it.
Honesty's the best policy.
I'm having the carpet cleaned.
I spilt some red wine, I've hidden
the stain under the sofa
and I want to get it sorted out
before she finds it.
OK, fine. Great.
But why am I left with this horrible
feeling that you're up to something?
Hand on heart, Tim, all
I'm trying to do is clean up.
Morning.
Morning.
Tim's downstairs.
You trying to get rid of me?
No.
So, Friday night, I'm guessing
you'll be back late,
drinks and all that?
Actually, I was thinking of coming
straight home. Thought I might see a
film. Yeah, you might.
I just bought that new Sex
And The City DVD if you fancy it.
Already seen it. Any good?
Bit too much city for my liking.
So what time roughly?
Oh, I don't know. Half-eight. Great.
I'll see you then. Or earlier.
I might pop back for lunch.
Oh, don't do that. Why don't you go
to that place I took you for lunch?
You know, with the nice sandwiches
and the scented candles. Boots?
Yeah. Anyway, you won't be able to
pop back because you won't have
your car cos Tim's taking you.
Oh yeah.
Why am I smelling a rat?
Have you tried Listerine?
So, have you ever met Al Pacino?
No.
I met his brother once.
Did you? Yeah.
Cappuccino!
He wasn't my cup of tea.
OK, you guys, positions.
We're almost ready for a take.
Right, mate, you promise you'll be
out of here 8.30 tonight at the
latest?
Well, if you go and leave us to it,
I guess we can get wrapped by five.
8.30'll be fine.
All right, just like rehearsals.
I want the dialogue by the window,
then you come down here, hit your
mark, right in front of the camera,
sit down on that coffee table,
and that, sweetheart, is when you
give him the blow job.
You happy?
Ron? Jane?
What time's Freddie getting here?
Rolling.
And...action!
How the hell are we going to break
into this bank without a weapon?
I just can't get my head around it.
Don't worry, baby, I've got something
else you can get your head round.
And trust me, this weapon
is always cocked and loaded.
Oh, if it's the weapon I think
you mean, I think it's ready to
be slipped into its holster!
This is a porn film!
What the hell was that?
Audio descriptive
service for the blind.
The people that come to see
my movies aren't blind, buddy.
Not to begin with, maybe.
This is a legitimate piece of
cinema. It's a...a crime thriller.
Oh, which one's Miss Marple and
which one's Hetty Wainthropp?
All right, it's an erotic thriller.
But it's still a credible
piece of movie-making.
It asks profound questions
about the human condition
and its ability to cope with
complex emotional issues.
What's it called? Sluts in Heat 2.
Get out of the flat. What?
Get out of the flat.
You signed a contract.
If you fail to provide a location,
then you are liable for
the personal cost of £5,000.
And if Lucy finds out I've been
using her flat to make porn films,
I'm liable for
the personal cost of my nads.
Her flat?
You told me it was your flat.
Go on, get out.
No.
What? We're not leaving
till we make our movie.
Well, you can't make your movie
with a broken mic, can you?
I'll scream!
All right, maybe we should leave.
And as soon as I sue your ass,
this Lucy's going to find out
we were here. She might not.
She will when I slip something
through her letterbox.
Oh, you lot just never
switch off, do you?
Of course, if you just leave us
to it, you get your money, we get
our movie, everybody's happy.
What do you say? Looks like I
haven't got a choice, doesn't it?
Right!
We're doing it again. Positions.
Missionary, doggy style, piledriver.
Oh sorry, I thought
we were brainstorming.
Don't we have a slight problem here?
He's broken the boom?
I wouldn't worry about that.
I got an idea.
Action.
What if the cops come after us?
Relax, it's London.
All they have
is truncheons, and, trust me,
my truncheon can top any guy.
Oh, yeah? What's so special
about your truncheon, honey pie?
Let's just say you won't be
in any doubt when you've been
banged by this little baby.
Oh, well, maybe you should
prove to me just how big it is.
Trust me, when you see this
thing, you'll know it's huge.
I've been told by some
it's unnaturally big. Cut!
What the hell are you doing?!
I'm doing my best is what I'm doing.
I feel like a midget
working in a car wash.
A midget working in a car wash?
That's a good scenario.
Make a note of that.
All right, let's change
positions and see if that helps.
In fact, let's just skip to
the scene where you just
start whipping his ass.
OK, Rod, put on your dog collar
and get on all fours.
Sorry, was that you or did
Orson Welles just turn up?
You see, Rod, those four years
at RADA weren't wasted.
You finally got the lead.
OK, rolling and...
action.
Ooh, you naughty, naughty, filthy,
dirty dog.
What is that smell?
It's not a BAFTA, that's for sure.
You're all covered in mud. Now I'm
going to have to sponge you down.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
Look at the mess on my carpet!
That's a novel way of
getting rid of wine stains!
Tim, will you just calm down?
I'm sorry that I lied to you,
but they were just going
to have a bit of a cuddle.
Oh yeah, was he going to roll
over and have his tummy tickled?
I've played Pictionary on that rug.
And now you're allowing
two strangers to film...
rumpy-pumpy on it?!
OK, I'll be honest, there's
a little bit of adult content,
but that's Hollywood.
All the big stars have to do
sex scenes. Mickey Rourke,
Glenn Close, Sharon Stone.
Why should it be any
different for...
Rod Hardpole and...
Janey Flangelove?
Look, it's a legitimate film.
Oh, is that right?
Do you really think John Nettles
would appear in a dirty movie?
John Nettles?
THE John Nettles? Yep.
John "keeper of law and order on
the otherwise dangerous island of
Jersey,
"to say nothing of his
crime-fighting abilities in
Midsomer Murders" Nettles?
That is he. Is he coming here?
No, he's in LA,
doing all the action bits.
These lot are the baddies,
a bunch of degenerate,
sex-obsessed bank robbers.
Not for much longer. Wait till
Bergerac catches up with you!
But Lucy still needs to be told
what's going on. No, she doesn't.
You know what Lucy's like.
She'll worry, stop us filming and
miss out on all that money.
So you're giving her the money,
are you? Of course.
I've got some scruples, Tim.
How much is it?
£200.
OK, I'll keep quiet.
Thanks, Tim. On one condition...
you get me a walk-on part
in the film.
What? You heard.
I'm looking for a more exciting
career path. Maybe this is fate.
It only has to be a tiny little part.
I have no doubt that it would be.
Tim, I can't get you a part in
this film and you are not an actor.
OK, no problem.
I'll just drift off home anyway
and don't worry, I won't say a word
to Lucy. Really?
See, you believed that
bit of acting, didn't you?
Trust me, we've got no choice.
If Tim goes running to
Lucy, everyone's screwed.
Or, more to the point, no-one is.
Lucy will throw us
both out of the flat.
You'll have nowhere to film
Sluts In Heat 2, I'll have nowhere
to watch Sluts In Heat 1.
Just give him a tiny little walk-on
part and nothing that involves
any bad language or nudity.
Jesus Christ! If you've got the
false beard, that would be perfect.
I guess he could stand in for Rod,
right up till the sex scene,
you know, as the pizza guy.
Won't the audience spot
it's a different person?
We won't see his face,
just his helmet.
There is no way Tim is
going to allow you to...
His motorbike helmet! Perfect.
Rod, give that dopey guy your pizza
outfit, then put your gimp suit on.
For the last time, it doesn't really
matter what your motivation is.
Yeah, I know, but I was thinking,
and it's just a suggestion,
perhaps I'm from an Italian family
and I've taken this job
to please my father. But actually,
I'm saving the tips to finance my
real dream of studying tropical
medicine.
Great. That'll really lift it.
What's my line again?
"Who ordered pizza?"
Sorry to go on. I do have
a reputation for being anal.
I'd keep that to yourself today!
Positions!
You forgot this.
Hang on, there's no pizza inside.
And why is there's a hole
cut into the bottom?
So that just before we open the
box you can slip your penis through.
Isn't that a little unhygienic?
Janey, get ready for your scene.
This is definitely not Bergerac!
This is a porn film!
OK, before you barge in there,
stop this film and throw Lee
out of the window,
just remember, he's your best friend,
and things could always be worse.
Hi, darling. See?
I've been looking every where for
you. Why are you dressed like that?
It's my new job. I told you I
was looking for a new career path.
Tim, you're a qualified accountant!
Yeah, but it's actually always been
a secret dream of mine
to work for the...
Hot and Meaty Sausage Company.
But you can't ride a motorbike.
I'm doing it on foot.
So why are you wearing a helmet?
I know, it's health
and safety gone mad.
And why are you delivering to Lee?
Well, he ordered the first one,
you know, to help get me started.
This was all his idea, wasn't it?
I knew I shouldn't have left
him to talk to you in the pub.
I think I need to
have a word with Lee.
Right, Lee, what's all this
business about you encouraging
Tim to resign from his job?
Well, don't just stand there all
innocent, like butter wouldn't melt.
This pizza's cold.
I'll go and get you another one.
Do you want to give me a
hand delivering these pizzas?
He's not coming back, is he?
We're going back to Plan A. Rod,
you're the pizza delivery guy again.
How can I be pizza guy when that
loser's run off with my costume?
When do you ever see a guy on
a motorbike dressed like this?!
"Gimp My Ride"?
Tim won't let us down.
Trust me. He's going to come walking
through that door any minute now.
And look on the bright side, if he's
late, at least you get a pound off.
Hello.
Strange question, have you got
any pizzas you'd like me to deliver?
I don't want payment,
I just like delivering pizzas.
12 ham and pineapple, please.
I've just thought of something.
That outfit that Lee was wearing.
Outfit? In the flat just now,
the leather swimming trunks.
Oh yes, those.
Lee's, um, learning to swim
but he's quite scared of the water,
so he's getting used to wearing
the trunks around the flat first.
What about the rubber gimp mask?
Yes, well, there's a very simple
explanation for that too. Which is?
Lee's a sexual deviant.
Oh, right.
I would've told you before but
he's a bit embarrassed about it.
There's no need to be.
I didn't learn to swim
till I was 22!
OK, you're right.
He's not coming back, is he?
You're going to have to do
something else and quickly. Right.
To hell with this.
Forget the pizza scene. Rod,
take Jane into the kitchen and
bang her over the sink.
Great. There's a couple of pans
that need scouring, if you could
work that into it.
Oi, come on.
Yeah, I'm going to need a
few minutes to, you know...
What, you mean little Jimmy Krankie?
Yes. How long's that going to take?
God knows. We haven't got time for
this, mate.
Look, Jane's ready.
She's a real old pro.
No offence, love.
I bet you think
my job's real easy, huh?
I bet you look at her and
you think, "piece of cake"?
I don't think "piece of cake".
What do you think?
Baps.
Well, it's not and
that's why I need time.
We haven't got time, mate!
So if you don't get in there now,
I will personally come over
there and fluff you up myself!
Bring it on.
Get off me, you lunatic!
I mean it! Get it out now and
start thinking of Felicity Kendal!
That's it. No more.
I quit. What?
I have had it up to here.
Oh, impressive!
Oh, dear. Now what?
I'll tell you what, we
finish making our movie.
How? He's downed tools.
Well, tool.
Actually, it was already down.
Looks like we need a new actor now,
doesn't it? To do the pizza bit?
To do everything.
Are you proposing
that I act in a scene with a female
porn star? I wouldn't dream of it!
All right, I would dream of it.
I have dreamt of it,
but that's not the point. No chance.
You don't do it, not only will
your landlady kill you, I will too.
I wouldn't know what to do! I've
only ever seen the first few
minutes! Look, pal,
we have a contract and
I'm not leaving this apartment
till I make my porno film.
You said it was an erotic thriller.
No, chum, it's a porno.
Hard-core, X-rated filth, and you,
my friend, are my new male lead.
Oh. My mum would be so proud!
I didn't place an order.
I know you didn't. Speak up.
I know you didn't place an order.
It's free. Please just take it.
But I don't like pineapple.
Then pick them off!
What the hell is going on?
Tim has got a new job delivering
pizza. It was Lee's idea.
Oh, bloody Lee, always has
to drag you down to his level.
Oh, don't worry.
He hasn't sunk quite as low as Lee.
Lee's become a sexual deviant.
What?
He's using your flat for some kind
of sado-masochistic bondage session.
Just wait till I get my hands on
him. I'm going to strangle him!
He'd probably enjoy that.
I'm sorry,
Vanessa, drinks are cancelled.
Take me home. Now.
Oh, today just keeps
on giving, doesn't it?
Three, two, one, action!
This is a waste of a
perfectly good melon.
Don't worry, you'll be using the
other half later. Start acting.
I feel like I'm in a nightmare
version of Jim'll Fix It.
Say the line!
Who ordered pizza? Give it to me.
Improvise, for Christ's sake!
OK, I will, and
you're going to love it.
It's 12 inches, piping hot, and
the base is thin and... Not thin.
I mean, it's got a cheesy crust.
I'll start again.
Who ordered pizza? Feel free
to remove your own toppings.
Oh, well, maybe I will.
Oh, it's so hot in here tonight.
Yes, it is, but the good news is,
the hosepipe ban's been lifted.
Cut! What? That was a perfectly
good bit of innuendo.
It wasn't sexy, Lee.
Tease her a bit.
All right, Big Ears, how's Noddy?
Just start undressing her.
Can you go out the room?
I've got to film the damn thing!
Close your eyes.
I can't close my eyes,
I'm directing. Action!
Can I close my eyes? No.
Oh, oh...
Well, say something.
Sorry for staring at your tits!
Call her a tramp. Tell her
what you're going to do to her!
What, give her 50p for a cup of tea?
Why would I want to
have sex with a tramp?
Because your landlady'll
be home any moment now.
Action! Get 'em off, sweetcheeks.
Oh, you're so forceful.
What are you going to do to me?
I'm going to show you a good time,
aren't I, you dirty, smelly,
big-eared homeless person.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah. Now, get that cardie off
or you won't feel the benefit!
Just forget the dialogue and
start making love to her now.
I will, if it'll stop
you shouting at me!
Where are you going?
Put my pyjamas on, brush my teeth.
No, let's just forget the
acting altogether and go
right for the big money shot.
Here's your big moment, Lee.
Oh, my God.
I've had enough. This time he's
packing his bags and leaving.
Why don't we calm down, go for
a drink and discuss this?
Well, let's invite Lee while we're
here, although he might need a straw
if he's still got his gimp mask on.
Not only does he treat my flat like
he owns it, he's now using the
place for his depraved sex games.
Come on, Lucy, that just shows
how irrational you're being.
Lee is far from perfect,
but if there's one thing he
isn't, it's a sexual deviant.
Maybe he's playing Buckaroo.
You're back early.
Look, no barbecue.
You said you weren't going to
be back till half past eight.
I don't know if I'll ever
be able to trust you again.
I should throw you out right now.
He was going to sue me.
No, he wasn't. I asked the flat
downstairs, there was never a leak.
She just threw them out when
she realised it was porn.
Well, hadn't she signed a contract?
No, Lee, she'd signed a six-month
warranty on a tumble dryer.
The same as you if you'd
bothered to read it.
Right. Well, look on the bright
side, I may have gone behind your
back and allowed a porn film
involving bestiality to be filmed
in your living room, but if your
tumble dryer ever breaks down...
You're only staying here on
two conditions. Which are?
Firstly, stop treating the flat like
you own it and, secondly, get a job.
And, as luck would have it,
I've found one for you.
Pizza delivery boy?
You've got to be joking.
Well, there is another option
if you want, involving sex. What?
Take the pizza delivery job,
or you can go and get f...
# Not going out
# Not staying in
# Just hanging around
with my head in a spin
# But that is no need
to scream and shout
# We're not going out
# We are not going out. #
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd