Not Going Out (2006–…): Season 4, Episode 2 - Debbie - full transcript

Hi. I've just moved into the block.
Can I borrow a cup of sugar?

I thought that's something people
only ever said in films like, "It's
crazy, but it just might work."

Or..."I love you."

Why don't you come in?
- Because I know what you've been up to
and I'm here to put a stop to it.

It's not actually illegal.

That's another one of those things
people only ever say in films.

Why? What are you...? Nothing.

# We're not going out,
not staying in

# Just hanging around
with my head in a spin

# But there is no need
to scream and shout

# We're not going out



# We are not going out... #

OK, sugar.

Demerara, brown, caster,
icing... Wow!

Why have you got so many?
It's Lucy. She does that thing. What is it?

Cooking? That's it.

Is Lucy your wife? No.

We row a lot, she thinks I'm useless and
we never have sex, but we're not actually married.

Girlfriend?

No, just flatmates.

Now, here we are.

It says "salt".

Daisy put it in there. You know the phrase
"the lights are on, but no-one's at home"?

Imagine there's been a power cut.

Is Daisy your girlfriend?



Are you from the Benefits Office?

No.

So what flat have you moved into exactly?
Number 98 on the other side of the green.

You've come a long way for a cup of sugar.
You know there's a Tate & Lyle factory in Ipswich?

This is silly, but I've seen you
around and you seemed friendly,

so I followed you back here one day
to find out where you lived.

Well, that's different -
someone stalking ME.

I mean, wow, that's different.
Someone's STALKING me.

Don't worry. I haven't actually...

Say when.

It's OK, I believe you're not a stalker.
You look far too nice to do anything like that.

When.

It was in the mid-'90s.
I was trying out a new telescope.

This woman got the wrong end of the stick.
The police didn't press charges... The sugar! Oh!

Do you want a flake with that?

Thanks. Well, I'd better get back.
It's been really nice meeting you.

Yeah, you too.

Sorry. I don't even know your name.

Deborah. Call me Debbie. You are...?

Lee.

Call me.

Well, I might just do that.
Why don't you take my number
and we can go for a drink some time?

OK. Great.

There you go.
Make sure you don't wash it off.

I think you're safe there.

Anyway, see you later.
Call me about that drink.

Don't overdo the sugar.
I don't want you getting diabetes!

What was all that about?

All what? A 19-year-old girl giving
a middle-aged man her phone number?

Middle-aged? I'm not middle-aged,
Lucy. Middle age starts at about 50.

50? Lee, you're from up north.

If you reach 50,
you won't be middle-aged. You'll be
in the Guinness Book of Records.

Is it always this busy?
Yeah, it's a very popular place.

Especially with our sort
of age group.

I think it's the music.
Lots of hip-hop, dub, garage.

# Jitterbug...

# Jitterbug

# You put the boom-boom into my heart

# You send my soul sky-high
when your loving starts... #

Forget garage.
Think more gents' public toilets!

I didn't realise
it was karaoke night.

I could do with a bit of a giggle.
I haven't had much of a chance
to laugh since my mum died.

The last time you laughed
was when your mum died?

Oh. Sorry.

It's not the best opening line
I've said on a date.

It's OK.

Look, this isn't actually a date.

Lee, there's something
I need to tell you. What?

Evening, all. I thought you'd made
other plans. Sorry, this is Tim.

And I mean "sorry"! This is Daisy.

The one that puts the sugar
in the salt jar?

I was trying to confuse the ants.

This is Debbie from the block.

# I won't be fooled by the rocks
you've got, you're still, you're
still Debbie from the block! #

It's a Jennifer Lopez song. I once
tuned in to Radio 1 by mistake.

Who'd have thought the stuffy
old accountant a fan of J-Lo?

Who'd have thought the unemployed
waster a fan of jailbait?

Thank you. That's enough of me.
Now it's time for you lot
to get the party started.

First up, it's Timothy Adams.

Don't forget to give me a big hand.

Will a couple of fingers do?

Good luck! Break your neck!

You were saying?

I don't really live in the block
and I didn't really need any sugar
the other day.

I've spent the last couple of weeks
tracking you down,
finding out where you lived.

Why? Who are you? What's going on?

I think you might be my father.

# Surprise, surprise

# The unexpected hits you
between the eyes... #

Where's Lolita? If you mean Debbie,
I walked her home. I can't believe
she wasn't picked up by her dad.

She very nearly was.

When Debbie realised her mum
didn't have long left, she decided
to learn about who her real dad was.

She knew she was the result of
a one-night stand. Now she wanted
to know who it was. It was you?

Don't sound too surprised.
I used to be a bit of a head-turner.

Just stomachs now, is it?

So when did this happen? Apparently,
at some house party in the 1980s.
"Apparently"? Can't you remember?

I can't remember what I had
for breakfast this morning.
I'm guessing Coco Pops. Why?

We're out of Kit Kats.
I remember everyone I've slept with.

Why don't you celebrate by having
a bowl of All-Bran and polishing
your chastity belt, Julie Andrews?

Don't take it out on me because
your past is catching up with you.

It's overtaken me, turned round,
kicked me in the bollocks

and smashed me in the face
with an eight-and-a-half stone baby
with tits!

Do me and Debbie look similar?

What, that young, healthy-looking
girl with the small nose?

Exactly. It's true.
She doesn't look anything like me.

That girl that doesn't look
like a cross between The Chuckle
Brothers' less attractive sibling

and a rat that only ate
half the poison?

You had me at "hello".

That's irrelevant. I don't look
like my dad. I don't know.
You've got the man boobs.

What worries me is she might be
a con artist after my money.
You should worry.

Yeah. If she's after your money,
she might be stupid enough
to be your real daughter.

So what are you going to do now?
I'm not doing anything.
You've got to at least talk to her.

A girl turns up at my door after 20
years and says, "I'm your daughter."
What should I say?

"What time do you call this? I told
you you had to be back by 1993."

So has she been back in touch?

She left a couple of voicemails,
but I didn't call back.

I texted!

"Thanks for your messages. I've gone
to New Zealand and won't be back
for a while. PS, I'm not your dad."

Have you got any compassion?

I did the "sad face" symbol.

I'm not her father. I can't be.
How do you know?

It happened at a house party
in Lower Ebsworth. I've never heard
of it, never mind been there!

That's exactly where we first met.
At a house party in Lower Ebsworth.
My house party.

No, we didn't. Yes, we did. It was
at my parents' house. You came with
that mutual friend we knew - Terry.

You must remember Terry.
Tiny fella, about five foot.
And that was in high heels.

Oh, yeah, little Terry.

Oh, God, I do remember that party!
Tim, you're right.

Who's the daddy? Sorry.

In fact, I think I even remember
meeting a girl there.

# Her name is Rio
and she dances on the sand

# Just like that river twisting... #

Don't turn round, madam.
I'll predict what you look like
with my mind-reading skills.

To start with,
you're not wearing any knickers.

You are. Looks like I can predict
the future too.

I've actually been sick in my mouth.

I'm Tim. Lee. Is there any reason
you're dressed like that?

Like what? Like a cross
between Gloria Hunniford
and a white Michael Jackson.

A white Michael Jackson?
That's a funny image.

I hope you're not intending to light
that in a designated no-smoking area.

I haven't spent all day putting
"no smoking" signs up for the good
of my health. Actually...

This is your party, is it, mate?

Yeah. I'm celebrating the completion
of my Advanced Fiscal Studies
and Business Accounting exams. Wow!

You're living the dream. I bet
you're looking forward to waking up.

Well, enjoy the party.

There's only a few do's and don'ts,
but on the whole, I'm a laid-back,
chilled-out sort of host.

Oi, those vol-au-vents are
under clingfilm for a reason!

It's a good party, isn't it?
Do you know Fat Larry's Band?

Is he? Why, does he keep eating
all the sandwiches?

What do they call you then?
I can answer that.

Terry, I'm trying
to have a conversation here.

Let's dance.

Right, everyone,
who's for Trivial Pursuits?

I tell you what. Why don't we nip
upstairs to the bedroom?

I'll be your private dancer.

Oh, dancer for money.
I'm not saying you're a...

Come on.

Well, then what happened?

While you were downstairs answering
Science and Nature, I was upstairs
getting Sport and Leisure!

Are you sure?

Yes, I even remember the rickety,
old bunk-beds and the Master
of the Universe duvet cover.

You did it in my bedroom?!

Oh, God, I am her father!

You've only got yourself to blame.
There were A4 cards everywhere.

"Sexual practices only permissible
in the designated sexual practices
areas." What are we going to do?

"We"? What do you mean, "we"?
Oh, like that, is it?

Your house, your friends,
your idea to have a party,
yet I do one tiny little thing!

And another thing. Do you know
what we did after we had sex? What?

I had a cigarette!

I don't want to be a father, Lucy.
Why not?

What do you mean, "why not"?
I mean "why...not"? Sorry,
I must have the wrong ears on.

That sounded like the same words
with a gap in the middle.

No, you've got the right ears on.
THEY'VE got a gap in the middle.

Answer the question. Because I'd be
terrible at it. I can barely afford
to feed myself, let alone a child.

She's a fully-grown woman.
Exactly. She'll eat more.

She doesn't need providing for.

What about when she wants to go to
university? I thought you'd accepted
she was your daughter. I have.

Well, then, stop panicking. She
won't ever be going to university.

Lee, she just wants
to get to know you. That's all.

The only decision you've got to make
is what kind of father you'll be -

a good one, a great one
or an amazing one.

I don't suppose "absent one" is
on the list, is it?

So what do I do? You can start
by taking her out for the day.
Where? It doesn't matter.

Just get this idea out of your head
that you need to provide for her.

She's not a child, she's an adult.
Start treating her like one.

Oh, for... Not again. God knows
how Dutch people get to work!

Thanks. What for?

Flying straight back
from New Zealand.

Oh, yeah. That's OK. I was getting
sick of it anyway. Too many hobbits.

I was thinking you didn't like
the idea of a long-lost child.

Don't be silly. I wish I'd been
there when you were growing up.
I have a natural rapport with kids.

Oi, we haven't finished yet,
you little shit!

When I was younger,
my mum said I never met you because
you were always away on business.

She said you were rich, powerful,
good-looking. Really?

You know what parents are like,
telling white lies to their kids!

I'm doing all right for myself.
I've got a few quid in the bank.

Well, a little bit.
Not enough for stuff like...

Have you been to university yet?

Is that what you think I'm here for?
Money? I didn't say that.

But that's what you meant. Shut it!

I think that's a bit harsh. I know.
Those blades are way too big.

If you knew me better,
you'd know I wasn't like that.
I don't. That's the problem.

I am sorry you were the result
of a one-night stand.

In those days, I was young
and I was stupid, but I've changed.

Yeah, you're not young any more.

I'm sorry I wasn't there for you
growing up, but as I get older,
I realise life is like playing golf.

If things haven't worked out
the way you want them,

you can either moan about it
or accept defeat gracefully.

That way, instead of looking at all
the things that could have been,

you put the past behind you, forget
about it and get on with succeeding
in what you want to do next.

So how was it left with Debbie?
She asked me to go round
to her house next week for a chat.

What are you going to do?
I hope she lives in a windmill, so
I can't get through the front door.

I did my best. It didn't work out.
My conscience is clean.

Unlike my Masters of the Universe
duvet cover.

Haven't you got a moral obligation
as her father?

I'm not her father. I'm just the
person who got her mother pregnant
which led to her being born.

That's like saying you're not
Lucy's lodger, just the person
who lives in her flat

and leaves that hideous stuff on
the bathroom floor. Some of us have
to stand up when we go for a tinkle!

I wish I'd never gone to that party.
I never would have met you or
that stupid Karen bloody Bradeley!

You never told me
her name was Karen Bradeley.

What does it matter
what her name was?

Trust me, it matters.

Oh! Ow! Tim!

Oh, hi, sweetheart.

I wondered where you'd got to.
Sorry about this. We've got
a crisp-treader in our midst.

What were you doing in my bedroom?

Getting a packet of fags
from my coat pocket.

What's going on, Karen? You weren't
doing something you shouldn't?

Sorry, Tim.

It was just a quickie.
It doesn't mean anything.

It may not mean anything to you,
but you're not the one having to
scrub the bedroom walls with Dettol!

Karen, you know the rules.
No smoking in the bedrooms,
even if it is just a quickie.

Right.

Yes, of course.

I'll open the window. If Dad thinks
it was me, he'll sellotape
my Connect-4 up again.

I've already opened it.
Why don't we go and have a dance?

The only dance I'm doing is the
Shake'n'Vac to put the freshness
back. Oh, please. Pretty please!

Then afterwards, you can arrange
one of your brilliant
charades tournaments.

You know I find
your Arnie impression very sexy.

Crisps? I'll be back.

I didn't know she had a boyfriend.
Didn't you even bother asking?

When you get a new job,
you don't ask
if someone's still doing the job.

You turn up and make the most of the
warm seat. I've never heard so much
rubbish in all my life! You, a job?

How long were you together for?
A week.

A week? You're giving me grief
for a meaningless romance?

It wasn't meaningless. She was
my first...proper girlfriend.

What? She, you know...

made me a man.

Out of what? Plasticine?

You mean you lost your virg...? Yes.
To Karen?

Yes! If you slept with her
in the same week as me, you know
what this means, don't you?

Have you got to the bit
with the stork yet?

# Young girl, get out of my mind... #

Shut up!

Didn't you use precautions? How come
you never bothered asking me
that question? You're northern.

Well? I was naive and inexperienced
in those days.

My, how you've grown(!)
Daisy, inform Judas
that I'm still not talking to him.

Daisy, inform Jesus of Henley that
Judas didn't know him at the time

and Mary Magdalene cajoled Judas
into the manger with promises
of gold, frankincense and Malibu!

What was the first bit?

So what are you going to do?
Nothing. It's not me Karen said
was the father. It was him.

If she slept with both of us in
the same week, she can't know who
the father was. That's not true.

I know a woman who was
in a threesome, but still knew
which one got her pregnant. How?

Well, it was obvious.
It was the man.

Look, all that matters is that one
of you is the father and there's
a simple way of proving it.

A paternity test.

All right, let's do it.
Fine. Bring it on.

Name the time, the place
and the small plastic cup.

No, they take a swab of DNA
from the inside of your mouth.

So, you, clean your teeth.
We don't want them thinking
Colonel Sanders was the father.

Dads are a bit like buses.
You wait your whole life for one
and two come along at once.

Except one is a luxury coach
with air-conditioning

and the other is a late night bus
full of vomit and nutters.

I can't lie. This is all a bit
of a shock. Your mum was obviously
a bit of a dark horse.

I mean in a good way.

Think of her as a fine, noble filly
that everyone wanted to...
I'll shut up.

Thanks for doing the paternity test.

It's not easy, but I guess
it's something we have to do.

One of us is certainly going
to be disappointed.

I mean, if he's the father,
I'll be disappointed.
And if I'm the father...

She'll be disappointed.

I know this is a big shock for you
as well and I'm sorry that I've just
suddenly turned up in your lives.

When Mum died, I felt really lost
and isolated and I want to feel
like I'm part of something again.

It's us that need to apologise.

We've been so busy thinking
about how this will affect OUR lives,
we haven't given you much thought.

If it is me,
I'll always be there for you.

Me too. If it is Tim,
you can phone me whenever you like.

I'm joking. If it's me,
I'll be there for you too.

Thanks. But no more crazy golf.

The ban's not lifted for
another ten years. Maybe next time
we meet up, I can bring Toby along.

Who's Toby? Your boyfriend, your dog
or your jug? I'm good with dogs.

I got my Blue Peter badge
for obedience training.
I got mine for stealing.

What did you steal?
A Blue Peter badge.

He's neither. Toby's my son.

You mean one of us is a grandad?

I guess so.

Well, I hope it's you.
You've already got the clothes.

She's taking her time
with these test results.

I've just thought - this could
make me a sort of step-mum.

Debbie will have to escape my evil
clutches by moving to the forest
to live with seven dwarves.

How annoying, travelling miles
to escape from you
and Dopey answers the door!

Stop pacing, Tim. Don't be stressed.
I'm not stressed. An absent father
and a grandparent at 40?

It's bound to be the northerner.

Well? I haven't opened it yet.
I wanted you both to be here
when I did.

Well, go on then.

Oh, my God, it can't be true!

It must be Lee.

- It's not Lee.
- I'm going to be sick.

Ah, that'll be my poisoned apple!

Too soon?

It's not you either, Tim.

Well, don't look at me.

It says there's no DNA match
with either of you.
I still don't know who my dad is.

I don't understand. She went out
with you and she slept with you
at Tim's graduation party.

One of you must be my dad.

Graduation party? The one you had
when you were still living at home?

Yeah. You never said it was
that party. You don't remember it.
You were only eight.

Of course I do. How could I forget?
It was full of idiots.

# Tainted love

# Now I know I've got to... #

That's better.

That's why they call it a yucca.

How old are you? Eight.

You're very tall.
You're kneeling down. Oh, yeah.

Where's Tim?

Tim? Oh, you mean the posh,
inbred-looking dandy?

He's my brother, actually.

What does "inbred" mean?

You know, that Chris de Burgh song?

Lady "Inbred".

No, it's not. It's something to do
with sex, isn't it?

All right, it means
when you like having sex in bread.

Why would Tim have sex in bread?

I don't know. Cos he's his Mother's
Pride? Go away, small girl.

What the hell are you doing
out of bed?

Never hang around afterwards.
They get clingy... Oh, her.

Lucy, get back to bed
before Mum and Dad get home.

I can't sleep with all this racket.

Sleep in the spare room.
It's quieter in there. He said
you like having sex in bread.

I didn't mean it.
What did you mean?

I meant you like having sex
with your relatives.

It's better
than having sex in bread.

Actually, you could combine both
and have sex with your "naan".

I tell you what, Terry. For a little
man, you have very large hands.

I'm glad we're finally lying down.
At least now I can reach
your knockers!

Ahem!

Sorry, love. This room's taken.

Blimey!
That woman was smaller than me!

Her life might have been cut
tragically short,
but she didn't half fit a lot in.

It was good that you managed
to trace Terry.

Yeah, I searched high and low.
And there he was - low.

It's all turned out for the best.
They're getting on well.
They had a day out at Alton Towers.

How was it? Not great.
Terry wasn't allowed on any rides.

Was she not disappointed
to find her mum was...
you know, a bit of a girl?

It's part of growing up.
I remember when I was 12
finding out my mum was a drinker.

That must have been hard for you.

It was. I had to start drinking
in a different pub.

Sorry, I've just moved in upstairs.
Could I borrow some milk?

There's a Tesco's round the corner.

# We're not going out,
not staying in

# Just hanging around
with my head in a spin

# But there is no need
to scream and shout

# We're not going out

# We are not going out... #