Northern Exposure (1990–1995): Season 4, Episode 12 - Revelations - full transcript

Hello, Maurice.

Come right in, Ruth-Anne.
Watch your step there, dear.

Take a seat. Hmm.

Can I offer you some sherry? All right.

It's hard to believe it's the
first of the month, isn't it?

How's business?

Ooh, can't complain.

Good. Thank you.

That patch on your roof...

no problem with that, is there?

No. No.



Good, good. Well, to your health.

As I was walking past
the store the other day...

I noticed there were
some streaks on the windows.

You might have Ed
run a squeegee over that.

I'll do that.

Oh, and I got a rebate
on that low-flush commode.

You can knock $20 off
this month's rent.

Oh, that's all right.
The check's already made out.

$5,000?

I'm exercising my option.

I'm paying off the store.

Well.

Where did you get $5,000?

I saved it.



$5,000?

Every week, for the past 10 years...

I've set aside $10 just for this.

Every week for the past 10 years?

Come hell or high water.

The store is mine. I'm a free woman.

Well, I guess congratulations
are in order.

I would think so.

Now, if you'll excuse me, Maurice,
I have a business to attend to.

Good morning, Cicely.
This is Bernard Stevens...

taking a break from
the number-crunching game...

to sit in for my literal
and figurative brother...

your own Chris
"In the Morning" Stevens.

You know, Chris is taking
his vacation this year...

with an eye towards self-discovery.

Instead of a week
of sybaritic surf and sun...

he's opted for the vita
contemplativa, the contemplative life.

So, hankering for some hard work...

and a little quiet prayer...

he's gone south to join the Brothers
of St. Dismas as a guest retreatant.

And, in the time-honored
monastic tradition...

Chris has elected to remove
himself from the secular world...

to discover what Thomas Merton
calls his inmost secret center.

I know we're all a little envious.

So, good luck, my brother.

And Godspeed.

Hey, man.

Howdy, guys!

Chris Stevens? Yeah.

Welcome, I'm Brother Timothy.

Hi. You made great time.

I was so excited, I didn't
sleep, I just pushed on through.

Let me guess, Jesuit? No.

Benedictine?

Paulist? Not Catholic.

You're not? But you are
a man of the cloth, right?

Sort of. I mean, I got my D.D.
through an ad in a Rolling Stone.

Oh. Well, no mind.

Anyone seeking spiritual
rejuvenation is welcome here.

Come on, I'll show you to your cell.

Cool.

Here we go.

This is great! It's perfect. Mmm-hmm.

Here's your pallet,
writing table, wash basin...

your robe. 44 long, right?

Right, right.
Say, can I get a hair shirt?

Oh, I'm afraid
we don't wear those anymore.

No hair shirts?

Mortification of the flesh has
its place, no doubt about it...

but our feeling is you can
catch more flies with honey...

than you do with vinegar.

Right.

Listen, about your work assignment-

I want to be treated
just like everybody else.

I mean, long hours,
back-breaking labor.

How about... the kennels?

Oh, the kennels? Yeah.

I don't know.

I got some really weird
karma happening with dogs.

Karma?

Yeah, I tend to kill them, that's all.

Kill them? Birds, too.

Accidentally. Oh, well.

There is the apiary.

Bees? Mmm-hmm.

Yeah, I could get behind that. I
mean, with bees, you off a few...

you got a whole lot left, right?

Right. Okay.

They're here.

Patient? Pencils.

Marilyn, it's been two weeks here.

Two weeks since a patient
has walked through that door.

What's going on?

I mean, is it something that I've done?

Or said?

Is this like some kind of boycott here?

Nobody's sick. Nobody's sick.

This is the peak season
for general medicine.

There's bronchitis, and
chilblains and walking pneumonia.

I should be busy here. I should
be overworked and harried.

I've re-alphabetized my files.

I've answered all
my personal correspondence...

and I've played innumerable games
of solitaire, and you know what?

Uh-uh.

I'm going out of my mind here.

What?

You need a haircut.

You know, it was Saint Benedict...

who wrote the book on monastic virtues.

Obedience, poverty, chastity.

And it was this last item, chastity...

which really gave him some grief.

Seems he couldn't get a certain
hometown girl out of his mind.

And on one occasion, when the
desire for her was so overwhelming...

he eschewed
the traditional cold shower.

Instead, he took off his clothes...

threw himself naked
into a briar patch...

rolled around in the thorns until
his flesh was rent and bleeding.

That's commitment.

Listen, Chris, I-

Hey, Maurice.

Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot.

Anything I can do for you?

No. Chris and I sometimes
like to discuss...

the vagaries of human nature.

Your brother has a skewed, but
very interesting perspective.

Well, why don't you
give me a shot? Okay.

I just came from Ruth-Anne's.

I needed a bar of glycerin soap.

I took it to the counter, paid for it.

Ruth-Anne gave me my change and...

Yeah?

Well, there was something not right.

It was like walking into a room...

where someone's rearranged
all the furniture.

Things weren't the way
they're supposed to be.

No, ever since she paid off the store.

Paid off the store?
I used to own the store.

Oh. Oh. When she first came up
here after her husband died...

she was kind of at a loss and...

she'd had some experience in retail...

so I suggested
she take over the store...

as a way to get her life back together.

It's a control thing. What?

Well, you were her landlord. And for
all these years, you ran the show.

Yeah. So? Well, by Ruth-Anne
paying off the store...

she just lopped off the big bamboo.

I beg your pardon?

She castrated you. She emasculated you.

Well, look at it this way.

Maurice Minnifield, master of
the house, lord of the manor...

is now reduced to begging at
the back door for table scraps.

Now you're just another customer.

You know what gnaws at me, Bernard?

I can see her...

week after week...

year after year, stuffing
those grimy $10 bills...

into a mayonnaise jar.

Plotting, scheming,
dreaming of the day...

that she'd be rid of me.
It's so personal.

It's almost as if all those years...

she secretly despised me, you know?

Yeah.

With all due modesty, Chris...

we're famous throughout the
Pacific Northwest for our honey.

Here we are.

Brother James. This is Brother Chris.

He's going to be laboring
with you this week. Hi, James.

Nice to meet you. You, too.

Welcome.

That's Brother Luke
and Brother Matthew.

This is brother Simon. Simon?

Chris. Hi, Chris.

Don't worry.

Brother Simon has taken
a vow of silence.

He doesn't talk? No.

Ever? Never.

Really? Brother Simon's
worked very hard...

to disassociate himself
from the temporal world.

By denying himself speech, the most
basic form of human interaction...

he's really come a long way.

For all intents and purposes,
Brother Simon is dead to the world.

Far out.

Good evening. Hello.

Maurice. What can I get you?

I'm not shopping, Ruth-Anne. Oh?

Frankly, I'm here because
I'm concerned about you.

Bernard and I were just talking...

about the financial ramifications
of you paying off your note...

and he agrees with me
that it's a terrible mistake.

Oh? How so?

Well, the tax code is written
to benefit the mortgagor...

and interest payments
are totally deductible.

Now, as much as I hate
to carry paper...

since we're such old friends...

I've decided that I'm going
to let you refinance at say...

eight and a half percent, 30-year
fixed, and you can forget the points.

And no savings and loan
will do that for you.

Let me get this straight, Maurice.

You're saying that I should
go back in debt to you?

No need to thank me, Ruth-Anne.

I'm happy to help.

No. No?

Not on your life, Maurice.

Oh, Ed, would you go in the
back and get some fresh arugula?

Yes, Ma'am.

Ruth-Anne...

I'm trying to do you a favor here.

I don't need your favors, Maurice.

Look, don't be stupid, Ruth-Anne.

You're just throwing your money away.

If you're done, Maurice, you can go.

All right, if that's the way
you wanna play it.

I'll have to invoke the early
payment penalty, of course.

The what?

It's in the deed of trust, right here.

Article three,
early payment penalty, $350.

Of all the low-down,
underhanded tricks.

I would be happy
to return your check...

and pretend nothing happened.

Let me tell you something, Maurice.

When you pulled my light
fixtures, my old light fixtures...

and put in fluorescent,
I held my tongue.

When you hung that dreadful fish
on the wall, I held my tongue.

I even held my tongue
when you made me stock...

300 copies of The Right Stuff...

but I'll never hold my tongue again.

And if that privilege
is going to cost me $350...

I'm overjoyed to pay it!

Why, you ingrate!

What about that time you had to
send Rudy money for a new truck?

Who carried you for three months then?

And in that hailstorm in '81...

who was over here
at 3:00 in the morning...

nailing plywood over your storefront?

Thank God I won't have to listen
to that damn plywood story again!

The whole deal's off.
It's off the table!

Get out, Maurice!

And from here on, take your
business some place else!

Fine!

I'll never set foot
in this quarry again!

Hallelujah!

You pompous old goat!

Hey, nice one.

Brother Simon? James.

What? James.

Oh, right.

Hey, fabulous day, huh?

You know, it's amazing how
well a person can sleep...

on one of those straw pallets.

I mean, I was
a little itchy at first...

then once I got past that,
I slept like a baby.

Brother Simon, is that you?

It is you, isn't it?

Hey, look, I don't mean...

to get in your face
or anything like that.

It's just, ever since I read
Saint Augustine, in the joint...

you know, I've been in this kind of
religious philosophical thing, you know?

And then finally to meet a guy
who's dead to the world...

I can't even begin to tell you.

I mean, the vow of silence thing
just blows me away because...

talking is what I do.

I'm a DJ, but it's more than
that. It's deeper than that.

It's like a craving,
a real need with me.

You know, I'm like a
word junkie, you know?

I never shut up. I talk in
my sleep, I talk to myself...

and for somebody to
voluntarily shut off that tap...

it's like...

I can't even imagine.

Like all the rivers of the world...

just suddenly slam to a stop, you know?

No churning, no flowing, no
white water, just stillness.

Bone-crushing stillness.

I couldn't stand to be locked
up like that in my own psyche.

I'd collapse into myself,
I would implode.

You know talking to you like this is...

It's really incredible.
It's like praying, you know?

If there was just some signal
I could get that...

I'm getting through to you?
You know, some indication?

Something, anything.

Maybe I'm getting it
and I just don't realize it.

You're not responding to me in any way.

That sends a message.

That says, maybe I annoy you, bore you.

Maybe you hate me.

Hate.

Hey, Brother Simon, that would be okay.

You know, it just,
if there was some way...

that I could know for sure.

Hi, Maurice.

Well, if you don't have
anything else for me to do...

then I'm just gonna go
clean the aquarium.

Okay, I'm gonna go
clean the aquarium now.

Ed.

Yeah, Maurice?

Do you remember when
you came to work for me?

Well, kinda.

You were 16, a foundling.

Abandoned, alone...

you had no direction in the world.

No place to go.

I opened the door for you...

and gave you,
not only gainful employment...

but also a moral guidance...

that you'd lacked as a child.

I gave you not only a job, Ed...

but also a home.

Maybe you don't want me
to clean the aquarium.

For some time now,
I've been concerned...

that your job with that woman...

was interfering with your duties here.

That woman. You mean Ruth-Anne?

I haven't said anything about it.

I was hoping that you would
rectify the situation yourself...

and honor your primary obligation...

to me.

Your primary obligation to me, Ed.

Oh.

Now, there's a lot of things
that need to be done here.

We need to rip out the hedgerow...

put in some bare-root
cherries, nectarines...

and build a deck off the atrium.

Am I getting through to you?

Oh, yeah, Maurice. Good.

You don't want me to clean
the aquarium, and I won't.

Ed, I need for you to go
to work for me full-time.

But, Maurice, if I work
full-time for you...

that'll mean I have to
quit Ruth-Anne's. Bingo.

If you feel you must give her notice...

do it today.

A good day's work to do.

Hey, Chris. Hey.

Over here! Chris.

It's me, Tim.

Take a load off. Thanks.

Brother Simon?

James.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, hi.

Hi. Is that him?

Brother Simon's not here.

He always eats alone in his cell.

That dead to the world thing? Mmm-hmm.

I can't get this guy out of my
mind. It's all I think about.

Brother Simon and silence.

Just big, cavernous,
thundering silence.

I tried it for a while.

Silence? Mmm-hmm. 12 years.

You didn't talk for 12 years?
Not a peep.

It's getting cold.

Oh, yeah.

It's not as tough as it sounds.

You just take it one day at a time.

This is good. Mmm-hmm.

It's cassoulet... Yeah, it's French.

White beans, sausage.

Yeah, I know. I just thought, you
know, the food would be simpler.

You know, like gruel.

Gruel?

You know, part of
the denial of the flesh...

self-deprivation kind of thing.

You know, terrible food,
lots of fasting.

Chris, you've got some wild
ideas about monastic life.

I mean, I don't know about

self-deprivation, but
we like to eat well.

I'll never forget it.

This time, three years ago...

I was in the ER rotation at Bellevue.

And besides all the regular stuff...

the gunshot wounds
and the head traumas...

the city was in the grip
of a major swine flu epidemic.

I mean, they were coming in, in droves.

I worked 72 hours straight, no break.

And finally, I collapsed.

They carried me into
the doctor's lounge, right?

I slept for an hour, right?

One hour, then I'm back on my feet.

I'm intubating a 65-year-old
man in respiratory failure.

God.

April 15th.

Sorry?

Last day to file tax returns.

For a CPA, it's the
same kind of rush. Yeah?

Oh, yeah!

You've got a two-foot stack of
long-form 10-40s on your desk...

a sea of W-2s. You're scrambling
around for late K-1s...

and those missing canceled checks.

You've got clients on their
knees, begging for extensions.

And by 9:00 PM, you hit the
wall, but see, you can't fold...

because you've only got
three hours to midnight.

Three hours to factor in deductions...

and adjust gross incomes...

and to get those returns postmarked.

So, you push through...

and you pull out a white shirt
from your desk drawer...

you take another hit of espresso...

and you say to yourself...

"Oh my God, it doesn't get
any better than this."

Wow.

Yeah, totally.

Hey, Bernard?

Mmm-hmm?

Anything wrong with you?

Pain, fever, rash, anything at all?

Anything.

Sorry.

Brother Simon?

Brother Simon, please hold on a sec.

I want to apologize if I said anything
out of turn back at the apiary.

I mean, I want you to know I
really admire your lifestyle choice.

I respect your privacy
more than anything.

I don't want to infringe
on your devotional path.

I guess, what I'm saying is, I'd
like to be friends with you...

if it's anyway possible, I mean,
I know we're not gonna have...

any long heartfelt conversations...

it's just, on a transcendent level...

I think there's a lot
you and I could share.

You know?

I mean, why don't you just sleep on it?

Don't make up your mind now.

Ed?

I'm considering putting in a
cosmetics carousel. What do you think?

I guess.

There's room over there
by the fishing tackle stand.

Ed, the paint!

This isn't Desert Sage.

It's Apache Tan.

Uh-huh.

Did I tell you to paint it Apache Tan?

Well, it's always been Apache Tan.

Because he likes Apache Tan.

I hate Apache Tan.

Paint it Desert Sage.

Ruth-Anne, there's something
I have to tell you.

There's something
I have to tell you, too, Ed.

Oh, you go first.

Ed, do you remember
when you came to work for me?

How you were barely making
ends meet on that other job?

How you couldn't even afford
film stock for your movies?

Uh-huh.

Well, I made it possible for you
to purchase the things you needed.

And I also tried to encourage your
artistic nature, to inspire you.

Do you know what I mean, Ed?

You want me to quit my job with Maurice
and come to work for you full-time.

Why, yes.

Now that that's taken care of...

what did you have to tell me?

I forget.

Oh.

Brother Simon? Brother Simon?

Should I separate the honeycombs...

or put them in jars,
because, personally...

I like to put the honeycombs
in my mouth...

and bite down on them, you know?

Feel that big old globby
piece of wax in there.

The honey spurts out,
just runs down my throat.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

Listen, I can't believe
I just did that.

I don't know what came over me.

Nothing's ever happened to me
like that before, I swear! Never!

Oh, boy.

Going through the mail here...

as yet no word from Friar Chris.

I guess he's been kept too
busy with his devotional duties.

And If he's like me...

that summer at Camp Winichuka, he's just
having too much fun to put pen to paper.

But got a message here from the
Cicely Department of Health...

AKA Dr. Joel Fleischman...

"When was the last time
you had a mole check?

"Dr. Fleischman invites you...

"to drop by at his
office anytime between

nine to five, Monday through Friday.

"Remember, an ounce of prevention
is worth a pound of cure."

Someone here? Uh-uh.

What about appointments?

Any appointments?

What happened to Dave?

2:30, we had an appointment.

I ran into him
at The Brick last night...

he promised that he would come...

so I could take a look at his knee.

I don't understand what's going on.

He promised. He promised.

Marilyn, I'm a doctor.

I feel like... I can
handle a lot of things.

I can handle medical emergencies...

and disasters, triage.

But not... this...

nothingness. This stillness.

I feel like I'm in a black hole.

I feel useless. Marilyn, I
feel like I could faint here.

How do you do that?

How do you just sit like that?

I mean, you have this uncanny,
preternatural ability to just...

sit for hours and hours.
Just sit and not do anything.

Do you think?

I mean, I know you think.

A conscious person can't
not think, it's impossible.

What do you think about?

Things.

Things? Uh-huh.

What kind of things?

Love and death? Family?

Clips.

Clips?

Paper clips.

All these hours you sit
and think about paper clips?

Not all the time.

What else?
What else do you think about?

Colors.

Really? Colors?

Blue mostly.

Blue?

And beige.

Marilyn, is this conversation
as absurd to you as it is to me?

You started it.

Right.

I need to make a confession.

Chris? That you?

Brother Timothy?

Yeah. Hi. Hi.

I thought this was
supposed to be anonymous.

Yeah. Well, I just thought
I recognized your voice.

What's on your chest?

Well...

Please, go ahead.

That's what I'm here for.

I've...

I've been having some
erotic fantasies... Uh-huh.

...about one of the monks here.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

I know. Brother Simon.

Listen, Chris. I didn't say
anything about the dog...

Meister Eckhart...

the Rolling Stone degree,
but this is a monastery...

not a British boarding school.

No, no, no, no. Whoa, hold on.

You don't understand.

I'm freaking out about this.

I love women.

Ever since I can remember...

I've been totally aroused,
since I was a toddler, by women.

The small of a back...

the curve of a neck,
the subtle lift of a breast.

That sweet softness that just
makes you want to dive in...

and bury yourself in it, you know?

I've always been very sexually secure.

More than that, committed.

Has this all been a lie?

Is this my true self?

The self that I came here to discover?

The self that sits here physically and
emotionally consumed by Brother Simon?

Well-

Look, don't answer that. Just tell
me what I'm gonna have to do...

about these impure thoughts.

A Hail Mary, an Our Father, what?

You're not Catholic. Yeah, right.

The only thing I can think to do...

is confess.

I thought that's what I'm doing.

Not to me.

To Brother Simon.

More pretzels? Thanks, Shelly.

Can I have just have
one more whole milk, please?

You're hitting the bovine
juice pretty hard, Ed.

It's helping me think.

Something got you snagged?

Ruth-Anne and Maurice.

Oh, yeah.

He was in here
this morning scarfing down...

that yucky high-fiber stuff.

Ruth-Anne came in, he just pushed
his bowl aside and walked out.

Yeah.

They want me to take sides,
but I just can't.

Yeah.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

I've been going through all my tapes...

you know, searching for an answer.

Trying to watch films that
explore interpersonal conflict.

Lion in Winter, Who's
Afraid of Virginia Woolf.

I even watched Interiors again.

No help.

You ought to check out The Parent Trap.

The Parent Trap? I caught it on cable.

Hayley Mills and Hayley Mills? Uh-huh.

Remember, they play
these two twin chicks...

whose parents are divorced...

but deep down inside, they still
really got the hots for each other?

Isn't that with Brian Keith
and Maureen O'Hara?

The twins meet at summer camp and they
get this cool idea to pull a switch.

Right. Hayley Mills
goes home with Mom...

but Hayley Mills goes
home with Dad. Right.

And the whole idea was to
get the parents to meet.

'Cause, of course, once they
meet again, well, you know...

It's very Disneyesque, but
it just might work, Shelly.

Hey!

Hey, Joel.

Hey, Bernard!

I've been looking all over for you.

What do you say, you and I...

we bop over to the gym and
play a little one-on-one? Now?

Yeah, right now. Come
on, hop in. I'll drive.

I promised Maurice I'd do
an afternoon commuter show.

Yeah? What time do you start?

In about an hour.

Well, that's plenty of time. Get
in. Come on, we'll play to 20.

First one to win by two. Sorry.

I've got to shower. I've got to set up.

All right, well, then...

what if I come over
and give you a hand, huh?

I mean I can organize the tapes.

I'll dust the records.
I'll do anything.

Look, when was the last time that
Chris cleaned the heads in that place?

Joel, you mind
if I shared an observation?

No, not at all. I'd be delighted.

You're in the throes
of existential angst.

Come again?

Well, this desperate need for company.

For something to fulfill your time.

You're staring into your own grave.

I am? Yes.

Take a look at your
reflection. Take a look.

What do you see?

A stranger? A cipher? Why?

Because there's nothing there.

You're a tree without a shadow.

You're an empty well.

You're a silent scream. Most
of the time you can deny it...

but not when you're alone
without distractions.

Then you're forced to confront
it and deal with the question.

I mean, it's shoved in your
face, rammed down your throat.

What question? The only question.

Which is?

What is the meaning of my existence?

I mean, quit running, Joel.
The answer is inescapable.

It is?

Your existence has no
meaning. None at all.

And if you don't
come to grips with that...

you're gonna continue to lead
an incomplete, unfulfilled...

totally neurotic life.

Normally, I'm loathe to give advice...

but if I were you, I'd
learn how to sit still...

to face the abyss...

to embrace it, to do nothing.

Hi, Brother Simon.

I was just washing the floor...

and I happened to have my
face down here and I was...

That's a lie.

I was peeking under your door.
I was trying to spy on you.

I've got something
to tell you, Brother Simon.

I had this dream...

this incredibly sensual,
erotic dream...

and it was about you.

I grabbed you and...

I kissed you...

and it was so real.

I can almost...

I can almost taste
the steel mesh of your mask...

and your hands...

they were covered in honey.

The bees all swarmed and
they stung me, and I liked it.

And I pulled you to the
ground, and, oh, God...

oh, oh, God, Brother Simon...

I know what you're thinking,
it's just...

it's worse for me.

I never thought that I could...

feel this way about a man.

I mean, I love women, and I just...

I didn't come here
to burden you with this.

If you could just find it in your
heart to forgive me, Brother Simon.

I want to see you
without any clothes on.

I want to see your legs.
They're long, aren't they?

They're strong and...

Oh my God. Oh, my God,
I don't believe I said that.

Brother Simon, you can
go back to your prayers...

and we'll act like this never happened.

I'm gonna clean the floor...

and I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Ed?

You?

What are you doing here?

I might ask you the same thing.

Well, Ed sent me a note.

He said to meet him
here, he had something

very urgent to discuss with me.

Me, too.

Where is he? Beats me.

Well, I'm not gonna
wait around here with you.

If Ed wants to see me, tell
him to come to the store.

He left a videotape.

What?

I think he wants us to watch it.

You suit yourself.

Hello, Maurice, Ruth-Anne.

I suppose you're both wondering
why I've called you here today.

Well, ever since you had
your really big fight...

I haven't been able
to get much sleep...

or concentrate.

And I haven't been
feeling very hungry, either.

So, I was wondering
if you both would consider...

well, making up
and being friends again.

And I don't think
it should be very hard...

on account of, you've both
known each other...

for a really, really long time.

So, I think the important thing
here is just to, you know...

look beyond the expressions of anger...

and really try and hear what
the other person's saying.

I think it was Judd Hirsch
in Ordinary People...

who said that the most important
thing in a healthy relationship...

is good listening.

So, I'm gonna leave you two to it.

And make yourselves comfortable.

There's potato chips
and fruit punch on the fridge.

And I think that's it.

Good-bye. Oh, yeah, and don't
forget to rewind the tape. Okay.

Well...

the boy seemed genuinely distressed.

You know...

it's possible that you weren't
the worst landlord that ever lived.

But you were a landlord...

and I never liked landlords.

Maybe, I went a bit too far
with that...

prepayment penalty.

But whenever I get my hands
around a man's throat...

even if that man happens
to be a woman...

I find it very difficult to let go.

Mmm-hmm.

You want some of this fruit punch?

All right.

Hello, Marilyn.

Maggie called. Yeah?

She book an exam?

You're late with the rent.

Oh. Right.

No appointments,
then, I take it? Uh-uh.

Good, okay. It's fine.

You see, I don't really mind.

You know what I think I'll do?

I think I will go
into my consultation room...

and I'll just sit.

Yeah, that's what I'll do.

Sit?

Yeah.

Like you do, just sit.

What?

You can't.

I can't what?

I can't sit?

Is that what you're saying?

You don't think I can
go in there and just sit?

That is ridiculous.

I am capable of quietude.

Marilyn, I am capable
of solitary reflection.

Wanna bet?

A bet? What, you mean like a wager?

$5. How long?

Five minutes.

Five minutes. You don't think
that I can go in there...

and sit for five minutes.

Uh-uh.

I'll give you $6. Let's go.

Come on, you wanna see a guy
sit? I'll show you a guy sitting.

The easiest money I ever made.

All right, start the clock.

Begin.

I can't take this!

Nobody could just sit there
with you staring at them.

It's creepy. Okay, it's horrible!

Nobody! Nobody could
just sit there with you...

boring your eyes into them,
psyching them out. Nobody!

My money.

Who's there?

Brother Simon.

Brother Simon? You spoke.

Am I dreaming again?

No.

Wait a second.

You're a she? You're a woman?

Oh, man.

Oh, man, I don't get it.

What are you doing here?

I always wanted a life
of monasticism...

but I couldn't see living life
without the presence of men.

What about your vow of silence?

I thought it would be a greater
sin not to have you know the truth.

Now you know.

Brother Simon,

what's your given name?

Chris.

Hey! Hey, Joel!

Bernard, please. Please, look.

No more existential angst,
okay? I give up.

Really?

My personality is shattered, all right?

My identity is dissolved...

I'm lost in my own skin.

Actually, I wanted to discuss
something medical with you.

Did you just say medical?

I have a pain.

Where? In my chest, left side.

Left side? Uh-huh.

Is it sharp, dull or piercing?

Sharp, but sometimes it's...

What?

...more of an ache. An ache.

Bernard, well, what are
we doing standing here?

I mean, we gotta get you
back to my office.

We'll get you a complete
medical work-up. A to Z.

You think so? Oh,
absolutely. Are you kidding?

I mean, look, this could be...

It could be a whole host of
things. I mean, pericarditis...

esophageal diverticulum, pleurisy.

I mean, that's just
scratching the surface.

Pulmonary alone, I'll bet
I can think of 10 things.

Really? Yeah.

We're gonna start with a
full series of X-rays, okay?

We're gonna do an electrocardiogram...

we'll do blood work,
we'll do urinalysis.

Now, I can't do a CT scan, but what
I can do is a barium swallow, okay?

CT scan? CT scan.

And just to rule out heart disease...

I like to do a thallium stress test.

And maybe a halter monitor.

Now, is that expensive?

Don't worry, Bernard. I'm
gonna take good care of you.

No, I just wanna make sure
my insurance covers it.

Afternoon, Ed.

Hello, Maurice.

Ruth-Anne. Maurice.

I'd like a box of 12-gauge
shotgun shells, please.

And a couple of emery boards.

Okay.

There you are.

I see you painted.

That's right.

Desert Sage.

Mmm-hmm.

Looks...

fine.

Thank you. You're welcome.

What are you smiling at?

Nothing.

Well, folks, I've just come
back from my short cruise...

on the river of spiritual renewal.

You might be wondering,
were my goals met...

did I have that transcendent moment?

The epiphany?

You bet I did.

You know, us men,
we're always booking out...

we join armies,
frat houses, baseball teams.

In my case, a monastery.

All to the exclusion
of our fair sisters.

I'll tell you something.

In that segregated,
celibate world of men...

a divine hand reached down...

grabbed me by the belt strap
and gave me a hard yank.

And to whom
did this awesome hand belong?

Woman.

That's right, Cicely.

My metaphysical moment,
my revelation was this:

For me there can be no spirituality...

no sanctity, no truth
without the female sex.

"O woman! Lovely woman!

"Nature made thee To temper man.

"We had been brutes without you.

"Angels are painted fair,
to look like you.

"There's in you all that
we believe of heaven...

"Amazing brightness, purity, and truth.

"Eternal joy, and everlasting love."

Corrected & Synced by Bakugan