Northern Exposure (1990–1995): Season 4, Episode 11 - Survival of the Species - full transcript

Hey, Ed, how's it going?

Can I get you something?

Shelly?

My new acid raincoat.
Isn't it bitchin'?

Cost Holling 25 energy units.

Wow.

Holling?

What can I get for you, Ed?

Fresh oxygen?

A nice glass of water, maybe?

56% pure.



Holling,
what happened to your hair?

Oh, a little reaction to
that toxic inversion layer...

we had last month.

I think it's hot.

Hey, Ed!

Eddie, my boy.

Ed, Ed, take a hit, man.

It's the real thing.
O2, oxygen.

First hit's free.

Come on, Ed.

What, you got
two left feet or what?

Dr. Fleischman?

What's happened to you?

Well, like a schmuck, I
listened to the ozone report.



I went out
without my SPF 360 sun block.

Look, I don't have much of
an appetite, you want this?

What's wrong? Ed?

So I told him, "You tried to
land in that soup?"

Maggie what's happened,
everybody's...

What, Ed? Ed?

What's wrong, Ed?

Incredible.

Unbelievable.

Oh, what?

It's a piece of junk.

God, the whole thing's
rusted.

I'm surprised
it didn't give out before.

Maggie, these pipes
are plastic.

PVC to be exact.
Polyvinyl chloride.

A working girl's friend.

Light, cheap,
and indestructible.

Maggie,
this isn't biodegradable.

Yeah, damn right,
it's not.

You think I want to go
through this again.

You should have seen
my front yard at 3:00 a. m.

Maggie, PVC
contains carcinogens.

I know. I'm not going
to drink out of it, Ed.

It's just for my garden.

Okay, this is
long enough.

Oh, I need to go
down another foot.

What's the matter, Ed?
You seem a little gloomy.

Well, that's because
I am.

Well, any particular reason?

Yeah, I was at The Brick
and it was all different.

Like in Soylent Green.

What's this?
I think I hit something.

We'd destroyed the planet.

The ozone layer was long gone.

And people were diseased,
mutated, really.

There's something
down here.

Dr. Fleischman
was a mummy.

And Holling,
well, he was bald.

Maggie, you were
horribly disfigured.

Your face was all covered
with these bumpy things.

It was just awful.

Would you look at this.

What do you think, Ed?

Look, it's got a carving
on the side, too.

Is this Indian?

Yeah, it's got
to be Indian.

Well, maybe it's...
Well, could it be maybe...

I'll bet
it's a baby carrier.

Oh, yeah, the little head
went up here...

and the little feet
went down here.

Wow, isn't this sweet?

Ed, what do you think?

Ed?

Ed?

Hey, buddy, gotta light?

Nope, sorry.

Hey.

What?

How old are you?

18.

Oh, yeah! Right.
And I'm 64.

Hey! Hey!
Where are you going?

You don't walk away
when someone's talking to you.

What?

You see this?

You know what it is?

It's a book.

No, it's a medical text.
I happen to be a doctor.

An almost
board-certified physician.

So let me paint
a little picture for you...

of what's gonna happen to those
pink little lungs of yours...

if you keep up
this smoking act, okay?

Like I'm trembling.

You got a lot of attitude for
a guy who isn't tall enough...

to get on half the rides
at Disneyland.

Cram it, doc.

What? Excuse me?

Later.

Hey, you little pipsqueak, where do
you get off talking to me that way?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey!

What'll it be?

Rum and coke
on the rocks with a twist.

Need to turn up
the hearing aid, pop?

Have you got some ID?

Yeah, yeah,
I don't believe this.

Born in '71, huh?

Let's see that makes you 21?

That's right.

155 pounds, 5 feet 9.

I got a thyroid condition,
what of it?

You can't sit at the bar
without an adult.

What kind of
bogus town is this?

Look, mister,
I'm hungry.

Can't I just get a
cheeseburger, fries and a coke?

I'll have to serve it
to you at a table.

My god.

Hi, Ed. Okay.

Check out the scenery.

She is fine.

Man, would I like
to fluff those pillows.

Hey, Ed.

Could you just put those
things on the counter, please?

Okie-doke.

Let's see what we've got.

Oxtail soup,
minced clams.

You know, in the future it's doubtful...

they'll even have
minced clams.

They won't?
No way.

The seas will be way too
polluted to support mollusks.

You know, Mike, I had a dream
just last night about the future.

Yeah?

Yup. The air, the food,
the rain were all poison.

And everyone I knew
was mutated.

Classic post-apocalyptic
nightmare.

Huh?

You were normal, but everything
else was distorted, grotesque.

That's it.

I have them all the time.

Though it's funny.

Most of my post-apocalyptic
dreams...

have to do with food.

The other night...

I dreamed that it was
raining marinated pimentos.

Oh. Those are mine, Mike.

Nacho cheese chips?

Sorry.

Actually, it's not gonna
happen like in your dream.

What's not?

Well, the end of life
on Earth.

No?

No, it'll be
much more gradual.

Far less traumatic.

Great.

You see, Ed...

the human mind...

it doesn't think
in geological increments.

They're too vast, so we
compress things as in our dreams.

But the reality is, even at current
rates of environmental destruction...

it'll take considerable time
for our species to disappear.

Huh.

Oh, sure, there'll be famine,
you know, riots, plagues...

but most people, they'll go on
as they always have...

ignoring, adapting, and...

Until finally the planet
truly is uninhabitable.

The air and water will be too
polluted to support the ecosystem...

and mankind will
simply die off in droves.

Like the dinosaurs.

Right.

Wow, I still can't
believe it.

History, right here
in my own front yard.

Yeah, I know
just what you mean.

When I was six, I found an
arrowhead in a neighbor's field.

Comanche. I slept with it on my
bedside table for, oh, years...

then I went to Zuni fetishes,
Navajo jewelry...

Santa Clara pottery.

I didn't know you were a
collector of Native American arts?

Oh, yeah, my collection
of Hopi Kachina dolls...

is second only
to Barry Goldwater's.

No kidding.
Uh-huh.

Well, then, what do you
think of that?

Well...

my first idea was,
it was a hoax.

A hoax?

Yeah, Maggie,
this is cedar wood...

and the Native Americans
did use cedar wood.

But, when you use organic,
friable material like that...

and you put it
in the ground...

bacteria starts to work
almost immediately.

Within, 10 or 20 years,
you don't have anything.

Unless it's in permafrost.

Which we're
too far south for that.

Yeah. And this is in almost
mint condition. Look it here.

You can see
where the paint was.

Mmm-hmm.

A hoax under these
circumstances seemed unlikely...

so, I asked myself...

what is something
like this doing here?

Well, there were Indian
villages around here.

Yeah.

Was your house built on the
ruins of an Indian village?

You mean like Pompeii?

No, that doesn't wash.

No, there's no volcanic range
within 1000 miles of here.

There's no cataclysmic
earthquake on record. No.

No, my best guess is that...

it was buried here
deliberately.

Well, why?

Oh, I don't know. Maybe to
hide it from raiding tribes...

or, maybe the Russians?

The Russians?

Oh, yeah.

The Russkies kicked up
quite a fuss around here.

Around 1800.

You know trade disputes, Russian
orthodox church, that sort of thing.

You mean, so this could be
around 200 years old?

Oh, yeah, more than that.

Wow.
Yeah.

Hey.

What's this?

What's what? What is it?

Let me see.

Look.
Well, I'll be, look at that.

That's definite
Athabaskan influence.

Maggie, this is a sewing kit.

Look here,
see the needle?

Wow.
Yeah.

Take plastic?

No cards.

Not even
American Express?

Cash only.

Can I run a tab?

Tab, huh?

You know, I wasn't
much older than you...

before I struck out on the
open road myself, young man.

I think it does a body good
to go off on one's own.

Teaches you to develop
independence, self-reliance.

Much as I generally
dislike children...

in your case,
I feel a general rapport.

You trying to say
something here?

Pay as you go.

That way you answer
to nobody but yourself.

Truth is I'm busted.

I figured.

You want to eat,
you gotta work.

Work?

You can bus tables
for meal money...

sack out on the pool table
if you like...

but first, I gotta know
who I'm dealing with.

Brad Young.

Holling Vincoeur, Brad.

Where are your folks?

Los Angeles.

You're a good
long way from home.

Yeah, I'm supposed
to be at this camp.

But it was
totally bogus.

There's no camps
around here.

Yeah, there is.
"Inward Summit. "

Never heard of it.

They move around.

It's one of those wilderness
survival things, you know?

Make you hike all day,
cook your own food...

sleep outside on the ground.

Sounds like
rip-roaring fun.

It's not supposed
to be fun.

It's supposed to
improve your attitude...

or self-esteem,
stuff like that.

I think the idea is, if you do
something that sucks long enough...

anything will look good.

I'm supposed to be
on my solo, right?

That's where they drop you off
in the woods alone...

with a piece of string
and safety pin...

and they say,
"See you in three days. "

I followed their tracks
back to the road...

hitched a ride
with a logging truck.

Resourceful.

Figure I'll work my way
down to Seattle, get a job...

maybe do some repo work.

Is that so?

You're not gonna
turn me in, are you?

No, I'm not gonna turn you in.

But I'm not gonna
lie for you either.

If somebody asks me...

I'll tell them what I know.

Cool.

Enjoy your dinner.

There's a clean apron waiting
for you when you're done.

More coffee?

If you're pouring.

Nice hooters.

Thanks.

Order up!

Coming.

Just a minute,
let me get this in position.

Okay, go ahead.

What is this?

Oh, Maggie.

Listen, we're gonna
have to ask you...

to use the back door
from now on.

Yeah, we have to preserve
the integrity of the site.

Guys, this is my front yard.

I mean, what exactly
is going on here?

Maggie, we are really in luck.

Ron here, it turns out, was an
adjunct professor of anthropology...

at New Hampshire
University.

The Hampshire College,
Amherst, Mass.

Erick's done quite a lot
of excavation work, too.

Yeah, well, my uncle used to
be a general contractor.

Maurice,
I'm a little lost here.

Oh, well, the boys have signed
on to help us develop the site.

Us?

We're extremely
excited, Maggie.

Considering the condition
of the artifacts.

Yeah, the general topography
of the land.

The high water table, possibly
due to an artesian spring.

Yeah. What we
have here is...

peat.

Peat?
Peaty water.

Which acts as a
first-rate preservative.

In other words,
what we find down here...

could be of
landmark significance.

Do you boys want to go
finish up the grid work?

I'd like to break ground before 0900.

Sure thing, Maurice.

You know, Maggie...

you know, fairies are the perfect
people to do this kind of work.

Biologically,
their upper bodies...

are strong enough
to wield a pickaxe...

but temperamentally, they're
precise and meticulous.

Maurice,
I'm not sure about this.

What?
Well...

Oh, yeah, well...

don't worry, little lady,
I'm gonna take care of you.

I've drawn up
a contract here.

It's a contract of excavation
that protects you.

You know,
just look it over.

See what you think.

Oh, I had to give
Ron and Erick...

any shaman rattles
we come across.

Those boys know
the marketplace.

40%?

Yeah, that's
pretty standard.

I mean, I am providing
the money for this thing.

Well, look, it gives you first
dibs on any decorative item...

and I've told them we're
naming the site after you...

the O'Connell site.

Really?

Yeah.

All right, boys, about time.

Come on, shovels on the
left, pickaxes on the right.

Come on, you expect
a full day's pay...

I expect
a full day's work.

Let's go, double-time, march.

We're burning daylight here.

What do you think?

You missed a spot.

I swept out
the stock room.

Got anything else
for me to do?

You could clean
the grease traps.

No problem.

Cool. Have fun.

Hey, Holling.

Want to show me
where the grease traps are?

Grease traps?

Yeah.

Why?

I'm gonna clean them.

You're gonna clean
the grease traps?

Well, yeah.

Why?

Excuse me, boys.

I see.

She hits like a ton of bricks,
doesn't she?

Tell me about it.

It was that way
with me, too, Brad.

Yeah?
Couldn't help myself.

Started doing things
never dreamt I'd do.

Cook, clean,
shake out the rug.

Shelly's the kind of girl
who can turn you upside down.

I was a man of the wilderness,
a hunter, a trapper...

a killer.

Now look at me.

Tied to a bar
by my apron strings...

and loving
every minute of it.

Wow, you're one
lucky dude, Holling.

That's true, but...

I lost my best friend
over Shelly.

Yeah?

And you know something?

I didn't care.

Sometimes love will pick you
up by the short hairs, Brad...

and jerk the heck out of you.

My grandmother had
a bowl like this.

It belonged
to her grandmother.

Beaver clan.
Hmm.

I found this archaeology
textbook in the storeroom, Maggie.

Clyde Winslow ordered it
some years ago...

but the poor man froze to death
before he could pick it up.

Oh, thanks, Ruth-Anne.

My, aren't these wonderful?
What are they?

Women's things.
Oh.

May I?

Yeah, sure, go ahead.

Think of it.

This belonged to someone
hundreds of years ago.

And she probably did
the same things we do.

Makes you feel connected
somehow, doesn't it?

Yeah. She sewed,
we sew.

She cooked, we cook.

Exactly.

She bore children,
we bear children.

Well, some of us anyway,
so far, dear.

Is there something wrong?

Well...

yeah, there is,
as a matter of fact.

Here I discover a bunch of women's
things in my own front yard...

and as we speak it's being
overrun by a bunch of men.

I know what you mean.

The way that Maurice
is strutting around...

you'd think
he'd hung the moon.

Why do men always
have to run things?

They can't help themselves.

Yeah. You know what it is?
It's their penis.

That's it, they think with it, they talk
with it, they just can't get past it.

Exactly.

They can't receive, they can't
conceive, so what do they do?

They make up for it by attacking
and plundering and overtaking.

Right.

Men ruin things.

Hey, Marilyn,
can you call Anchorage...

find out what happened to
Fred Stitt's throat culture?

It's been almost a week.

Am I interrupting something?

Hey. Uh-uh, uh-uh.

I'm not gonna be
collectively vibed...

out of my own office.
Understand?

Uh-uh, uh-uh.

You've five minutes.

I rest my case.

Right.

Hello, I'm back.

Did the Fuji apples
come in, Ed?

Hello, Ruth-Anne.

What in the world
are you doing, Ed?

Getting rid of everything
that destroys the ozone layer.

I figured you'd approve.

Well, you figured wrong.

I want this mess
cleaned up this minute.

I have a store to run, Ed.
The environment can wait.

We'll all turn into mutants,
Ruth-Anne.

Take this for example.

That's my hairspray, Ed.

Oh, I know.

But do you know that
every time you use that...

you destroy a teensy-weensy
bit of the ozone layer.

And, Ruth-Anne, we really
need our ozone layer.

Okay, Ed, if it means that
much to you, I'll use mousse.

But I don't know
what's gotten into you lately.

But please, put all this
stuff back on the shelves, now.

Okay.

Thank you.

Where's the videotape display
that I asked for?

Video?

Ed?

That's it, Ruth-Anne.

What's what?

Videotape.

What?

Ruth-Anne, TV, movies.

People only believe
what they see on the screen.

You're such a smart lady,
thank you.

Ed?

# This is the way
to grandmother's house #

# to grandmother's house #

# This is the way
to grandmother's house ##

Hey, babe.

Hello. Who are you?

What's it look like?

I'm the subconscious
manifestation of...

your primal male
fantasy fixations.

What's in the basket?

Goodies.
For me?

For Granny.

Hey, forget Granny.
Granny's history.

I had her for breakfast.

What?

She was just the embodiment
of your obsessive...

unfulfilled need for the
non-critical parent, anyway.

So don't worry
about Granny.

How about a peek
in the basket?

Hey, get your hairy paws off.

I really should send
for Hansel and Gretel.

You're not ready
for me, kid.

What are you talking about?

I'm here for your
basic oedipal conflict.

All those unresolved hang-ups
from puberty.

The awakening
sexual drive...

the confusion
of father as seducer...

the whole nine yards.

But you never got past
oral fixation, did you?

What you need is to eat
the witch's house...

kill the bad mother,
et cetera.

Then give me a call.

Wait a minute.

I do not have
an oral fixation...

and I don't need some
stupid, long-nosed carnivore-

Tell me something, kid.
Why the red hood?

Well, 'cause Granny
gave it to me.

Try again.

Why red? Now, why not blue?

Or green? Or chartreuse?

Well, Granny says
it compliments my complexion.

Try raw, try violent...

try sex, kid.

It's just a hood.

What do they call you?

Mary Margaret.

Little Red Riding Hood.

Why little?

Okay, why?

Because you're too immature
to handle...

complex feelings
of a sexual nature.

Listen to the child
inside you.

Is she really ready to deal
with what's in that basket?

Well, I...

Maybe you'd feel better
if we both looked in it.

Together.

Well...

Why don't we sit down?

There's a nice bit
of shade over there.

Well, okay.

That's a good girl.

Don't you feel better?

Well...

Of course you do,
you just don't realize...

Hi, doc.
Hey, Dave.

It's very impressive,
Maurice.

Oh, this is just
the beginning.

This afternoon, one of my air
force buddies from Elmendorf...

is gonna do a fly-by
with ground-penetrating radar.

Then we'll know exactly
what we've got in here.

Well, what're you gonna
do with all this stuff?

Well, part of it'll be sold
to cover the cost, of course.

And some of it
goes to Maggie.

The rest of it'll go
to my private collection.

What about
the Indians?

What about them?

A lot of people say this
technically belongs to them.

Why?

'Cause they
put it there.

Yeah, well,
I found it. So?

So you found it, your culture
didn't create it, Maurice.

Oh, come on, Stevens.

Don't give that
revisionist crap.

I mean,
finders keepers, okay?

Besides,
if the Indians had it...

what do you think they'd do
with it, they'd sell it off.

You're lucky, it's in the
hands of a serious collector...

who knows its value and has the
wherewithal to keep it together.

Hey! Maurice!

Maggie, didn't we talk about
you using the back door, dear?

Maurice, I've changed my
mind. I want you out of here.

Well, what seems to be
the problem, little lady?

The problem is that I want
all of you men off my property.

And if you call me
little lady one more time...

I'm gonna punch you
in the nose!

Now, Maggie-

Don't now Maggie me,
Maurice.

I mean it, everyone out!
Scat! Shoo!

Shoo!

Maggie, there's no need
to get upset here.

I'm not upset,
Maurice.

Well, O'Connell,
you're upset, I mean-

No, this is not upset.

No, upset is collapsing
on your bed in tears...

because you weren't
invited to the prom.

No, this is empowered.

You know what empowered is?

Well, empowered is
Anne Boleyn laughing...

on the way
to the chopping block...

apologizing to her executioner
for her small neck.

That's empowered.

Do you think a man
would have done that?

No, a man wouldn't
have had the guts.

He would have peed
in his pants.

He would've begged for mercy. But
Anne didn't even break a sweat.

You know why?
Because she was empowered.

She knew who she was
and I know who I am...

and I want all you men
off my property!

Hey, hey, hey.
Now!

Hats off to you,
Maggie!

You know, Maurice, it's
interesting 'cause in many...

Mesolithic societies,
the woman's role-

Oh, cram it, you tall,
skinny, male twerp!

Now, come on, guys,
I really mean it, off!

Maggie, look here.

Look, we have
a contract here.

Contract?
Yeah.

You and I
have a contract?

Well, Maurice,
would you like to know...

what I think
of this contract?

This is what I think
of this contract. Hey.

I never wanted this
contract in the first place.

Hey, hold on there.

Mmm, mmm. Really good contract,
Maurice. Delicious contract.

Do you have any more
of these contracts?

Maybe we'd better
talk about this later.

Good idea, excellent idea.

Hey, boys! Don't forget your little
pails and shovels. That's right.

Take your tinker toys
and scram! Scoot!

Vámonos!

There's the peelers
and knives.

Towel, right.

Vegetables.
Okay, Ed, I'm all set.

Ready when you are.

Hello, folks. I'm Ed Chigliak,
your host for Apocalypse Now.

A documentary series
on the end of life...

and the world
as we know it.

Now I'd like you to meet a friend
of mine, Michael Monroe. Mike.

Okay, hold on one second.

Okay, Ed.

Hello, I'm Michael Monroe.

I have Multiple Chemical
Sensitivity or MCS.

Generally referred to
as environmental illness.

Ed, here, has asked me to talk
to you today about pesticides.

Those insidious chemical toxins
used by the agri-business...

particularly on bland...

scientifically altered
fruits and vegetables...

consumed in the average
American home.

What we have here
are two Better Boy tomatoes.

They're washed. Now, they
may appear to be the same...

but this one, is from
a typical supermarket...

and this one, was grown
in my own organic garden.

First the homegrown beauty.

What I'm doing is
gently rubbing the tomato...

on the exposed skin
of my forearm.

We're trying to see if there's
any epidermal reaction.

Nothing.

The exposed skin
is perfectly normal.

Now, let's try that
supermarket variety.

Okay, now I'm already
feeling a reaction.

It's hot, itchy.
It's starting to burn.

There it is, see?
See the redness?

Now, if I'd kept that up
another minute...

you'd see that redness
turn into some ugly welts.

So...

Ed.

Sorry, Mike, cut, cut.

But I'm not through,
I've got a whole spiel...

on non-toxic
insecticidal soaps.

I'm sorry, Mike...

I asked you to do this.
Let's just forget about it.

Why? What's wrong?

Well, Mike...

if that tomato's gonna
make your arm all bumpy...

well, what's it gonna do
to the inside of you?

And that's just one thing.

There's a lot of fruit
out there.

Bananas, oranges, coconuts.

What are they doing to us,
you know? I mean soon...

kids aren't even gonna be able to
take apples to their teachers...

on the first day
of school, Mike.

And what about pumpkin pie
on Thanksgiving?

Mashed potatoes and gravy?
Alas, Mike...

the end of the world...

it's already here.

You're going about that
all wrong.

Just take a screwdriver
and thrash the hinges.

I've cracked bigger locks than
this before. It's no big deal.

Look at the very minimum,
you take the whole box...

you open it up in the relative
comfort of your own four walls.

It's only chump change
in here, anyway.

We all have our off days.

It's not that, Chris.

It's like I've gone
totally mental.

Who's the babe?

How'd you know I was losing
it on account of a babe?

Because it's always a babe.

I thought ripping
something off might...

help me snap out
of it, but...

Come on, who's the filly?

She works at the bar.

Shelly Tambo.

How'd you know?

How'd I know? 'Cause there's
only 849 people in this town.

You know,
the babes kind of stand out.

I get all geeky
thinking about her.

Yeah, love will do that
to you, you know.

It will?

Now and forever.

Love sucks.

True.

Maggie.
Holling.

Hello, O'Connell.

What?

Just, hello.

Hey, is it true
what Marilyn said?

Well, you'll have to give
me a hint, Fleischman.

You're gonna rebury
all that stuff?

Yeah. It's true. Not that
it's any of your business.

No, I think it's great.

Don't patronize me,
Fleischman.

I'm not. I mean, I think it's very
impressive that you have the courage...

of your convictions
to rebury that stuff.

Especially considering
the value, the history.

Do you ever stop to think about
that word, Fleischman? Do you?

History. His story.

You don't need a degree
to figure that out.

Everything about the way we perceive
things in life is determined by men.

And I, for one,
I'm sick of it.

And I'm not gonna have my past or
any other woman's past mauled...

groped or otherwise pawed
by a bunch of men...

for the benefit of other men.
Got it?

Well...

You feeling all right,
O'Connell?

Fine, Fleischman.

You just seem...

Oh, great.
Here we go again.

What?

A little PMS, right?
Typical.

Men can beat each other up
over nothing...

and get all bloody and
that's okay. That's normal.

But let a woman get a little
emotional about something...

a little cranky, all of a
sudden she's out of control.

She needs
medical attention.

Look, O'Connell,
forgive me for saying so...

but I think that you are letting
your pathological fear of men...

corrupt your experience here.

Wrong, Fleischman.
I'm not afraid of men.

It's your perspective that's
pathological. It's your perspective.

And I'm talking about the royal
pain in the butt, you, here...

that needs changing.

You know, you think you
would've ever had the guts...

to say that
to Empress Theodora?

You would have been on
your knees, Fleischman. Who?

Empress Theodora.
Hello? Ring any bells?

She ruled Asia Minor.

She saved Justinian's ass.

Figures.

If it's her story,
it's not history.

Look at Catherine the Great,
for example.

Okay, why?

Well, Catherine the Great,
she ruled Russia.

She fought wars. She corresponded
with Voltaire and Diderot.

But what do you think
men remember?

The fact that she had a thing for
horses which is apocryphal, anyway.

A thing? Even if it isn't, who cares?

Nobody made a peep
when Jack Kennedy...

was playing musical beds
in the White House.

And what about J. Edgar Hoover
and his male squeeze?

How do those rumors
get started anyway?

Probably some menacing little male
courtier who got passed over...

for palace favors
by a prize stallion!

See, it comes down
to choices.

Love or delinquency, man.

You've gotta make a choice.
You can't have both.

Why not?

It doesn't work
out that way.

Being a delinquent
is like being an artist...

or an athlete.
You got to train at it.

You got to work every day,
or else you lose your chops.

Yeah.

You don't want to be in love,
man, love slows you down. I mean...

next thing you know, you're not
the fastest gun in the West anymore.

You got young punks coming up
to try and step on your turf.

You think you still got it.

You want to show these
young punks who's top punk.

Next thing you know, you take
a job you're not ready for...

and you're doing two-to-five in
the joint and your old lady's...

making indentations in the back of
somebody else's Trans-Am somewhere.

Know what I mean?

True story?

Take it to the bank.

No.

So, which one
do I choose?

Love or crime?

Well, you gotta weigh it out
for yourself. I mean...

look at the pluses
and minuses.

Crime, the pluses.

It's tax free.
It's a kick in the pants.

You make your own hours. You
meet new and interesting people.

On the minus side,
no medical plan...

no job security,
early burnout.

Most crooks I know are
like NFL linemen at 30, man.

They're either crippled,
retired, or dead.

What about love?

You've seen the minuses.

You turn into
a total dork.

What about the pluses?

It's irrelevant, you know.

Love is, period.

"Ah, penny, brown penny,
brown penny

"I am looped
in the loops of her hair"

Yeats.

Mad Max, The Road Warrior...

Soylent Green, Silent Running,
Planet of the Apes...

Blade Runner, no one listens.

Get up, Ed.

The average American citizen
dumps 3,000 pounds of trash...

into the environment
every year.

I'm going to open now.

It just seems like the
only thing left to do is...

for a responsible citizen,
is kill yourself.

Up.
Oh.

I'm going
to kick you out, Ed.

Go find something to do.

Ruth-Anne, I can't
make movies anymore.

Well, I'm sorry
about that, honey.

But read a book.
Take a walk.

Clean your apartment,
chop wood.

But...

Go.

One Mexican omelet
and seven-grain waffle.

Shelly, I gotta
talk to you.

Brad, where have you been?
The dishes are piling up.

I'm splitting.
What?

I'm going back
to that bogus camp.

I gotta show you
something.

Wow!

I did it myself.

I've never seen anything so
totally cool in my entire life.

Did it hurt?

It's ballpoint.

Oh.

Look, Shelly.
I want you to be my woman.

I can't get you
out of my mind.

I've wrecked three pairs of
underwear just dreaming about you.

No kiddin'?
Yeah.

It's been a long time
since someone said that to me.

I'm going to do my time at camp,
and then I'll go back to junior high.

Get into auto shop.
Learn a trade like Chris.

Cool.

So we could shack up
together. Okay?

Thanks, Brad.

Like I am really flattered.

But I can't.

Why not?

Brad, you're
only 12 years old.

So?

Romeo and Juliet
were only 14.

They were?

Yeah. That's what
Chris said.

Hmm.

Well, what about
the old guy?

He's gonna
stroke out soon.

Who's gonna
light your fire then?

Holling's engine
just keeps going and going.

Look, Shelly,
you've gotta come with me.

I'll be good.
I'll be different.

I'll be anything you want.

You know, Brad,
when I first met you...

I thought you were just
an obnoxious little creep.

But now...

I think you're gonna be one
primo dude with something to say.

A guy most girls dream about.

Brad when you nail
the right chick...

she's gonna be
one lucky dudette.

But that's not
gonna be me, hon.

You're sweet and charming
and all, but...

Holling owns the keys
to my pants...

and my heart.

Pardon the perspiration.

It's part
of my daily detox.

30 minutes on the bike,
30 on the NordicTrack.

Poly-unsaturated oil.

Promotes excretion.

Right.

So what's up?

Jurassic Park.
Hmm?

It's this new film,
Spielberg's doing.

Richard Attenborough...

he clones these dinosaurs
from DNA...

and they get loose
and kill everyone.

Great.

That's what I thought.

And that, Mike,
is what gave me the idea.

What? You want to
make another movie? No.

Oh. So what's the idea?

It's the DNA thing, Mike.

You want to clone dinosaurs?

No. I wouldn't know
how to do that.

So?
Well, so...

the Earth is gonna end, right?

But maybe aliens
will land here someday.

Possible.

Mike, according to Unsolved
Mysteries, it's already happened.

Oh, is that right?
Uh-huh.

Say, they find
some plant DNA.

Well, they could clone the whole
ecosystem. Well, the plant part, anyway.

So, what you're saying is that
you want to collect...

genetic samples of plants.

Just like Johnny Appleseed.

Well, but in reverse,
because...

he was sowing the seeds
and I'll be harvesting them.

That's a great idea, Ed.

It is?

Absolutely.

Good, where do we start?

Oh, well, when you're tackling such a
large subject you have to be systematic.

Absolutely.

There's a lot of plants
out there.

Right.

Over 250,000 species
of angiosperms alone.

We have to start off
with something simple.

Something we can really
get our hands on.

Something like ferns.

Ferns?

Polypodiophyta.

Good idea.

The most primitive plants to
develop a true vascular system.

See, prior to
the Carboniferous era, Ed...

ferns were the most dominant
vegetation on Earth.

Ferns, huh?

Yeah.

How about
some chamomile tea?

Oh, sure.

Hey, guys.

Are we late?

The bus will be
here any minute.

Brad?

I brought you something.

You did?

I've been making it
for Holling...

but with you going off
to camp and all...

I thought you might
need it more than him.

And Holling said
it was okay.

Yeah?

So, well, try it on.

It's wool, well, mostly.
You like it?

Are you kidding?

I'm never taking
this off. Never.

Hey, killer, I got you this...

for the ride.

Tales of Kipling.

Yeah, I didn't think you were
ready for Leaves of Grass.

"'Now this is the Law
of the Jungle

"'As old and as true
as the sky

"'And the Wolf that shall
keep it may prosper

"'But the Wolf that shall
break it must die'

"Later, Chris. "

Thanks, man.

Sure. All right.

Well.

Well, here she comes.

Right on schedule.

Good luck.

Well, see you.

Brad.

Bye.

Oh, man, I'm hurtin'.

Come on, son, let's go!

Take care, Brad.

Hey, Shelly. I'm coming back
for you in five years.

No offense, man.

Come on. Take a seat, please.

Bye, Brad!

Bye!

Scalpel.

Scalpel.

Tweezers.

What was this?
Early Girl?

Beefsteak.

Right.

What's next?

Burpee Hybrid?

Go for it.

What do you want
to do after this?

Bonny Best?

I'm not sure, Mike.

Jubilee? Sunray?

Possibly. Scalpel.

Scalpel.

Tweezers.

Don't damage
the seed.

Okay.

Very good.
Voilà!

Oh, that's good.

What are they
puttin' in now?

The cradle.

What is this?

Single malt.

Laphroaig.
It's 15 years old.

Okay.

Does anybody have anything
they'd like to say to begin?

Anyone?
I don't know.

I would.

Shelly.

Well...

I just think it's really neat
that a bunch of us chicks...

can get together like this and
do something fun without men.

I mean, there's no reason why
we can't do more girl stuff...

in the future, you know.

Theme parties, sleepovers,
stuff like that.

And, I really dig seeing
those dudes over there...

with nothing to do
except watch us and get horny.

Can you tell what
they're saying with those?

I can't hear, but they seem
to be having a good time.

A good time.
Let me see.

How in the hell
can you tell?

I mean, nobody's fightin',
nobody's throwing anything.

Nobody's yellin'.

With men you can tell when
they're havin' a good time.

Ruth-Anne.

I thought we might want to put
something in from our own era.

Carrot peeler.

What are they doing now?

I can't tell.

Something...

Well, in laying our
sisters' things to rest...

I thought it would be
fitting to quote something...

from one of her contemporaries,
Mary Wollstonecraft...

who wrote these words
in 1792.

"My own sex,
I hope, will excuse me...

"if I treat them
like rational creatures...

"instead of viewing them...

"as if they were in a state
of perpetual childhood.

"Dismissing those
pretty feminine phrases...

"which men
condescendingly use...

"to soften
our slavish dependence...

"and despising that
sweet docility of manners...

"supposed to be the sexual
characteristics...

"of the weaker vessel...

"I wish to show...

"that the first object
of laudable ambition...

"is to obtain a character
as a human being...

"regardless of
the distinction of sex. "

Amen.

Good.

All right. Beautiful.

Okay.

It's really criminal.

I told you
we'd never get that rattle.

I just lost a wing in the Denver
Museum of Natural History...

and he's talking
about a rattle.

Well, as my old trapping buddy,
Bob Pickering, used to say...

when a woman gets a wild
hair about something...

you'd best just
get out of the road.

Well, I wouldn't
mind so much...

if it made the slightest
bit of sense.

But this is just stupid.

Well, you can't look
for logic, Maurice.

With women it seems that rabid
emotion is the justification...

for everything.

"A woman uses her intelligence
to find reasons...

"to support her intuition. "

G.K. Chesterton.

Well, I'm getting
a little cold.

So, I think
I'm going to head in.

Second.
See you guys.

Let's go home.

Are we ready?

Can you handle that?

Yeah.