No Activity (2017–…): Season 3, Episode 5 - Leon's Retirement Party - full transcript

Previously on No Activity...

- Hey, Leon. What's up?
- Good evening.

I'm Senior Detective Leon
Fordham, Internal Affairs.

It's me, Tolbeck.

We went deep-sea fishing together.

Think you have me confused
with someone else.

You fucked up.

And when our boss finds out,

we're gonna get liquidated.

- You killed BopBot.
- I said it was an accident.

I should go by myself,



ask for a second chance.

Hey, Chief. You be safe, okay?

Good times. Good times.

Hey, there's my guy.

Hey, buddy. How are you?

- Good.
- Good.

Looks like we're doing a bonus shift.

- Yeah.
- Who are you partnered with tonight?

Oh, God. Woods. He would not shut up

about his divorce and
how it's the greatest...

"It's the greatest thing
that ever happened to me."

- Yeah.
- Yeah, he's very sad.

- I know.
- I was with Rios.

- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, I like him,



but I think he was trying
to get me to invest

in his sister's pest control business.

Forget-a-bug-it? Yeah, he
tried that on me last week.

Yeah, they have a humane
way of killing the insects,

- but I don't know.
- Listen, with this thing,

let's just ten minutes in and out, okay?

Ten minutes at a retirement party?

I don't trust Leon.
I don't want to spend

any more time with him than we have to.

Honestly, I wouldn't even be going

unless he told me that
you were going first.

Aw. The only reason I'm coming

is 'cause he told me you were going.

Oh, goddamn...

This is a Leon trap. See, we're out.

- But wait, I got him...
- No, we're out.

I got him a retirement gift.

No, I don't think... you know,

I don't think this is
a retirement party.

I think it's just Leon
messing with us again.

Well, who cares? I mean, really, it's...

you know, it's just me and you

having a drink at the end of a shift.

When was the last time we did that?

Okay, but let's just not play his games,

- you know what I mean?
- All right, no games.

- No.
- We'll find a nice, quiet corner

- away from the crowd.
- Okay.

- Okay?
- All right.

And you know what, actually,

let's just tell him everything up front

so he can't blindside us.

Okay, I'm gonna tell him everything

about the extradition debacle,
the murder of the witness,

the death knock, just everything.

Okay. Hey, you know, we should come up

with a safe word when we
want to get out of there.

- Yes.
- How about "the"?

- "The"?
- Yeah, it's really subtle.

He'll never guess it's our safe word.

Okay. And if he wants
us to sing again...

- Keep it short and upbeat.
- No, we refuse. No singing.

- Okay. No singing.
- Okay.

Hey, do you want to see what I got him?

Not really. Oh, that's actually nice.

Yeah, it's a geode.

- Nature's shy diamond.
- Wow.

Yeah, I've really been
getting into geodes lately.

Have you been down to Geode Ahoy?

- It's on the pier.
- No, I haven't.

- It's an amazing store.
- Oh, actually,

could you put my name
in the card just in case?

- No way. I bought this for him.
- Oh, come on, Tolbeck.

Aw, you big, sweet dummy.

You don't think I didn't put your name

- on this card already?
- Oh, okay.

"Congratulations. Dear Leon:

"Sayonara, tension. Hello, pension.

Love, Cullen and Tolbeck"? Come on.

What? I put your name first.

No, "love"? Not appropriate.

- No, no, d-don't scratch it out.
- I don't...

- He'll know that we...
- Don't care.

"Best wishes, Cullen and Tolbeck."

- Fine.
- Okay? You ready to do this?

- Yes.
- Let's do it.

Surprise!

Why are we being surprised?
It's your party.

That's why it's surprising.
I flipped it.

Cullen, I dropped the geode.

Come on in here, party people.
Who wants cocaine?

Just kidding. Come on, guys.

So...

Janice hates technology

and is scared of the future. True?

A shrug is your answer?

Sure.

Janice, can I share with
you the story of Dave?

- No.
- Well, I'm going to anyway.

Dave was one of the first Homogenus,

Homo habilis,

and lived not too far from here
about 2.8 million years ago.

And Dave, by all accounts,
was a great guy.

He was sociable.

He was a bit of a prankster.

- By what accounts?
- It doesn't matter.

If you needed to dig a
hole, Dave was your guy.

Until one day, a more
evolved Homo habilis

discovered that the
shoulder blade from an ox

made a great digging tool.

Mm. What was his name?

- Eric.
- Eric? Oh, wow.

A lot of middle-class

white guy names back then, huh?

But Dave, for all his great
qualities, was stubborn.

Okay, I get it.

I'm Dave in this story, right? Fuck you.

Why don't we talk about what
this really is about, shall we?

Dave didn't want to use the ox blade

even though the ox blade
was only there to help him.

Eventually,

Dave became such a dead weight

that they smashed his head in

and they all laughed

and called him a fucking idiot
because they all hated him.

Are we gonna talk about what
this really is about or not?!

This is about you failing
to adapt to the BopBots.

This isn't about fucking robots.

Don't you dare call them robots.

This is about you and me 16 years ago,

when we made that pact

that we were gonna leave our spouses

and run off together,
but I bailed on you.

That's what this is about.

Here we are face-to-face,
so let's talk about it.

Close the door.

I love it.

Thank you. And now it's unique.

Well, every geode is unique.

That's what makes them
wildly unpredictable.

Huh. I did not know that.

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, and sorry.

Card.

"Congratulations."

That's lovely.

Thank you again.

You're welcome.

Welcome.

Ginseng.

Ginseng?

You're wondering how my
hair grew back, right?

Right.

- Ginseng.
- Wow.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

- Wow.
- They say you should shelve it

for maximum growth, but that's optional.

Shelve it? Like, what,
put it on a shelf?

Yeah, yeah. Your internal shelf.

My internal shelf.

What, you mean like my tush?

Yeah. But that's optional.

So, Leon, where is everybody else?

- It's a party, no?
- Oh, yeah, no.

- The fellas are coming later.
- Great.

Yeah, I invited you two a
little extra early, you know,

so we could hang, just the three of us.

Ah.

Yeah. You ever throw a big party,

and then the next day, you think,

"Oh, man, I-I hardly got to
chat with my best buds"?

- Mm.
- I did not want that to happen.

Hey. Did I hear you're
dating Sophie Beyers?

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Nice.

- Thank you.
- Yeah, I been there.

You've been there? Where?

All the way there.

You're saying you and Sophie...

- Yeah.
- No, that's... that's not true.

- It's not true.
- Well,

it felt pretty true at the time.

Okay, Leon, I'm just gonna say it.

If this is, uh, really a going-away
thing, then that's great,

and I wish you the best
of luck... we both do...

but if this is some kind of game,

- I'm gonna be pissed, okay?
- I would never.

- Is this about Doris Silva?
- I don't know who that is.

That's the prisoner I
extradited from Kansas, yeah?

- That's not my business.
- It's about the motel?

- I...
- About the hospital?

- Don't know what you're...
- Officer Brock?

- I...
- The death knock?

- No.
- I botched that, okay?

I admit... I freely
admit I botched that.

I panicked. I told a little
girl that her mom was dead.

I was there. It was not pretty.

No, it wasn't pretty. And if
that's what this is about,

just tell me, okay? Just
spare me your games.

The only game I'm
interested in, Officers...

... is Pin the Junk on the Hunk.

It's a sexy adult take on the
beloved children's party game,

- Pin the Tail on the Donkey.
- Fun.

- Right?
- We're not playing that.

I'm not interested in
the-the cop stuff anymore.

Okay? I'm done. I'm out.

So, no more...

... no more police questions,

Officer Cullen.

Understand?

That's behind me,
and I'm looking forward.

Well, come here.

Sit beside me. Look out my windshield.

- Uh, it's fine.
- Come on.

I-I want to illustrate my point.

- Okay, okay, yeah.
- You sit next to me.

- Pretend I'm driving on the right.
- Right.

Okay.

What do you see?

I don't know.

I see...

snow.

Do you see the snow?

- Sure. Yeah.
- Wait, wait, wait.

Is that snow, or is that...

cocaine?

Leon, I thought you were just
kidding about the cocaine.

Does it look like I'm kidding, Jon Snow?

Winter is coming...

up your nose!

Okay, we get it, we get it.

- Do you?
- Yeah.

All right, well,

you want to blow the whistle on this,

- Eddie Snowden?
- No, no, it's fine.

We're not gonna... I think it's
a no from us on the cocaine.

All the more grade A cocaine for me.

Oh, that's good cocaine.

Come on, Chief.

Come on.

Oh, man.

Yaya.

Hey, I'm gonna call my own phone, okay?

Huh?

I-I'm gonna call my own phone

to make sure that it works, dear.

What?

Yaya, don't worry about it.

I'm calling myself.

Gary, your phone is ringing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it. Thank you.

Are you going to answer it?

It was just me, Yaya.

You should check your voice mail.

There might be a voice mail.

I was waiting on a call from Chief.

It's okay. Thank you.

- Was it Chief?
- Fu...

No, Yaya, it was me. I did it.

Don't worry about it.

Thank you.

Is it time for my tea?

Y-Yes!

Yes.

It's time for your tea, sweetie.

Okay, okay.

You don't have to get up, Yaya.

- It's fine. Just have a seat.
- Okay.

- Thank you.
- You're fine. You're welcome.

Who was on the phone, Gary?

Fuck!

Well, uh...

You know what, it's been a great night,

- but...
- Mm.

- Oh, you're-you're leaving?
- We should,

- yeah. We got to...
- Yeah.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

Well, um, thanks for stopping by.

- Sure.
- Gonna miss you guys.

- Oh, we'll miss you, too.
- Mm.

Is that why you crossed
out "love" on my card?

I'm kidding.

I know you guys don't love me,

and it would've been dishonest
to write that you did, so...

- I'll walk you out.
- No, no. You don't need to.

Oh!

- Are you okay?
- No! It's my heart!

Oh, God.

Oh, must've been all
that good cocaine I did.

You know what, I'll call an ambulance.

No, I got it, I got it.

Help! I'm having a heart attack!

- They're on the way.
- Who's on their way?

'Cause you didn't say who
you were or where you were.

- Stand back.
- Oh, God, strippers.

How'd the paramedics get here so quick?

- They're obviously strippers.
- Really?

They have a boom box.

We're losing him!

- He's getting cold.
- Warm him up!

How do you think they're
gonna warm him up?

Doctor, what should we do?

Paramedics aren't doctors, but go on.

There's only one way to heat him up.

- Oh, I think you might be right.
- You think so?

Yeah!

Now it's a party!

Let's just talk about that day.

I mean, there are things
that I need to say to you,

and I'm sure there are things
that you need to say to me.

- You want to talk about that day?
- I do.

Let's talk about it,
'cause I really want to.

That day, you see,

I spent years training
myself to forget it.

It wasn't until that first boarding call

that it really started to dawn on me.

Till then, I just thought
you were late, as usual.

But I think, deep down,

I knew you weren't coming,
and that's when I called you.

You remember what you said?

- I don't remember.
- You said, "I can't."

That was it.

No "I'm sorry."

No "I need more time."

Just "I can't."

- Huh, that sounds like me.
- So I flew to Lima,

and I took a boat out to the Galápagos.

For the first week,
I didn't leave my tent.

I was broken.

Finally, around 3:00 or 4:00 a.m.,

I stepped outside,
and right in front of me

was a giant tortoise, as if
he'd been there the whole time

just waiting for me to poke my head out.

He nuzzled into my shoulder.

So much more playful than I imagined.

Such... a connection.

I ended up climbing on his back

and pushing my whole body onto his.

So this is what we did,
night after night,

he would come to my tent

and we would bond.

I guess eventually his
resilience rubbed off on me.

Did you know that they
can survive a year

without food or water?

- Whoa.
- Nothing can hurt them.

I was attracted to that.

That experience changed me, Janice.

- How long were you there for?
- About five months,

until one night a ranger saw us
together, and that was that.

What, they kicked you off the island?

Immediately. Made me
pack up, get dressed,

and put me on the first boat out.

I never even got to say goodbye.

Oh. Got dressed?

You mean, like, you were
naked on this tortoise?

Well, I sleep naked, so yeah.

Hmm. Got it.

So you said there were things
you wanted to say to me.

Oh, I just, you know...

I'm just sorry how
everything turned out.

That's all.

Right.

And?

Uh, it was just a real bummer,
you know, but, uh, wait...

You were fully naked on this
tortoise every single night?

You said there were things
that you needed to say to me.

Why did you not show up?

I don't know. It was just,
it was just a timing thing.

But how did you even know
it was the same tortoise?

I knew, Janice. Why did you abandon me?

- Who can say?
- Who can say?

You!

- You can say!
- Listen, I got to ask, and...

and trust me, there's no judgment here.

Okay? But this thing

with the tortoise, was
it a romantic situation?

Get out.

That's a yes.

Stop, stop. Guys, stop.

Sorry, guys, uh...

Nothing you did.

Really, y-y-you're both terrific.
Aren't they, guys?

- Sure. Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.

It's-it's us. We misread the vibe.

Our bad.

Thanks.

- That's $75 each.
- I didn't bring my wallet.

Oh, come on.

- Plus tip.
- Yeah, of course.

- I mean, uh, 75...
- 150 plus tip. Give me two.

- That's good.
- Well...

Thank you. Thank you, really.

Outstanding work. Just wrong room.

Okay, well, this has been
something that happened to us,

and now we really got to go.

- Oh, no, no. Come on, please.
- Yeah.

Guys, we're just warming up.

You know? Hey, who wants
a little nose candy?

No, we're not having any
cocaine. Thank you, though.

Nobody else is coming.

What?

I invited the entire department.

You guys are the only ones who RSVP'd.

We're sorry, Leon, but
that's really not on us.

We-we made an effort.

- Nobody here likes me.
- Oh. Come on, that's not true.

They're just busy.

No, it is true.

People here don't like me.

People kind of everywhere don't like me.

Even as a child, my mother suffered from

acute offspring detachment disorder.

That's what they called it anyway,

but she just didn't like me.

What am I gonna do?

It's a disorder, has a name.

I mean, it's not her fault, right?

I guess we should, what,
feel sorry for her?

Or maybe love your
fucking baby, you know?

Hold it, cuddle it, you know?

Don't go to the fucking South of France

for six months of the
year every fucking year.

Any wonder I ended up with five dogs?

You have five dogs?

Yeah. That's another thing
people don't know about Leon.

Yeah. And let me tell you,
five dogs is too many dogs.

I mean, you get a dog,
and it's unconditional love

coming at you, in your face, you know?

Who wouldn't double down on that?

So you do, and it is twice as good.

I mean, it's amazing.

You actually look forward
to getting up every day.

Number three, it's not-not
as great, but you think,

"Well, maybe he's just
an odd soul," you know?

Number four loved me for, like, a day,

and then he just went off

and played with the others.

So now you should know better,

but you're thinking, "My
luck's got to change, right?

It has to." So, against all advice,

you go and you get number five,

and then you realize very quickly

what you are now dealing with

is an entirely self-sufficient pack.

- Mm.
- And you're not the alpha.

You're, like, the understudy
in a long-running production

of Animals Can Shun As Well As Humans.

Whatever.

Thanks for coming. See you never.

Maybe we can stay a bit longer.

- I won't, but you guys...
- Yes, you will.

That would be amazing.

You know what, let's-lets
skip the appetizers

and go straight to the speeches.

We didn't bring speeches, Leon.

There are no speeches.

Actually, I prepared a little something.

Awesome. Good ol' Tolbeck.

Why?

Hey there, Janice. How'd you do?

- Fine.
- Did he drag you over the coals?

- No.
- That's great.

- He can be tough but fair.
- Mm-hmm.

You okay, Janice?

I'm sensing you're a little down.

I don't mean to pry, but is
everything okay with you?

Shut the fuck up.

I'm sorry, Janice.

Yeah, good. Just shut the fuck up.

I'll try to be quiet.

I chickened out. I didn't know.

Didn't know what?

Just... I didn't know
that was my one chance.

I thought I would have other
opportunities to be happy.

Of course I should have left Wally

and come to be with you. Of course.

I gave the best years of
my life to that fucktard.

God, I just didn't know.

Janice, I forgive you.

Thanks.

Janice.

What are you still doing here? Go home.

Yeah, I'm going.

And by the way, that BopBot
that you spilled coffee on,

you are paying for the cleaning,
and it's very, very expensive.

Yeah, why? Because you
fucked a giant tortoise?

We were just friends!

So there's a two-drink minimum, right?

So anyways, I'm on this boat with Leon,

and I'm thinking, like, "Oh, no,

"is this guy gonna kill me

and dump my body over in the ocean?"

Hands up.

Who else has ever thought
Leon was gonna kill them?

Huh?

It's true, I scare people.

Hey, have you ever been
interrogated by Leon?

Oh, boy. Here we go.

Dark little room with that one light

bouncing off his bald head.

The fuck did you just say?

Uh, nothing, just that,

uh, the light is blinding,
and I got to remember

to wear sunglasses next time.

I'm not fucking bald.

Oh.

I'm s-sorry.

- It's just a joke.
- Yeah,

well, it doesn't fucking work

because I'm not fucking bald.

I'm sorry. This is material
that I wrote, you know,

before you came in with the, um,

the ginger and stuff.

- Ginseng.
- Ginseng. Yes.

So I'm sorry. I was just
trying to, uh, you know,

give you a nice, happy send-off.

And, uh, why, exactly, would
I need a send-off, Officer?

- Fucking knew it.
- News flash!

I'm not going anywhere!

No, not a news flash, 'cause
that's what I've been saying

all night long, okay?

And this "cocaine" that I've
been hoovering up my nose

is a simple B8 vitamin.

Ooh, I could do a shot of B8.

- Is there any gluten in that?
- No.

- Because I have a celiac...
- You're not a celiac.

- I get bloated, dude.
- Officer Cullen, on the 8th

of this month, you were a
passenger aboard Flight JA761

from Wichita, Kansas, to
San Diego; is that correct?

Yes. I told you about that.

I extradited a witness from Kansas.

I understand that.
What I do not understand

is why there is a charge

on a San Diego Police
Department expense account

for $54 for several whiskies.

An expense account
that is to be used only

for expenses directly
relating to the transport

of person or persons in custody.

Okay, I'll reimburse
you for it right now.

Well, first of all, you already
gave me all your money

for the strippers, and second of all,

the damage is done.

For $54? This is ridiculous.

Let's see how ridiculous
it feels when you go down

for misappropriation of funds,

falsifying police
records, and extortion.

Uh, I'm sorry. Am I
connected in any way?

I'm just wondering why I'm here.

Leon, what is this about, actually?

Well, are you deaf as well as corrupt?

It's not about $54.

The amount is neither here nor there.

Look, I am sorry that your five dogs

don't love and respect you.

Okay? And I'm also sorry
that nobody else showed up

- to your little party.
- It's not a party.

It's a trap, which you
walked right into!

I'm also sorry that we crossed out

the word "love" on your card.

And you know what, that was me.

He wrote it. I crossed it out.

I didn't think it was appropriate. Okay?

But I-I apologize now
because I understand

how hard it is to make friends

and just to be liked by people.

I mean, we're going
through that right now.

Okay? We got different partners

every other night of the week,
and it's hard to make friends.

- Most of them suck.
- Wait,

you guys... You're not together anymore?

- No.
- No, no,

we've been separated like a couple

of naughty Japanese schoolgirls.

What?

Or naughty kids, you know,
talking too much in class.

It's hard, that's all.

My point is you're right.

People don't like you.

'Cause you're scary and intense.

'Cause you wear a scary,
intense mask that you put on.

We all see that.

But you don't have
to be afraid like that.

Don't have to.

- It's hard being a cop sometimes.
- Hey, tell me about it.

Look at me. I'm back in patrol.
I'm back at the bottom.

You know, I-I was ready to
throw it all away, but this guy,

he picked me up again.

'Cause all we have at the end of the day

is each other. We're family here.

We're family, Leon.

You just need to stop playing the games

and let us help you.

Yeah.

I... I'm sorry I messed
with you guys all night.

That's okay. That's okay.

And you're right. I'm just... lonely.

And you don't have to be.

Not anymore.

Come here.

Come on.

There you go. There you go.

Should I join this hug or no?

It just feels super intimate,

but it feels kind of weird
just sitting here watching.

I should...

No, you know, you guys go ahead.

Enjoy yourself.

Yeah, really? I'm gonna do it?

Okay, yeah, I'm gonna
do it. I'm doing it.

I'm joining. Okay, great.
Thank you so much.

Oh, I'm so happy for you.

Ah.

- Thank you.
- Hey,

don't thank us.

It was all you.

And you know what?

Yeah.

You know, I...

Don't.

It's okay.

I love you guys.

We got to get going.

Thanks for a great night.

Congratulations on your
breakthrough, Leon.

- Tolbeck, come on.
- We're really proud of you.

Jesus Christ.

If you are watching
this, I have flipped.

What the fuck?

I know it was your idea,
but you were right.

It's the only way out.

Besides, we couldn't have
both flipped at the same time.

The cops always get one
guy to rat on the other.

I didn't want to put
you in that position.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

You fucker. You fucker, you fuck...

I love you, man.

I know we don't say it ever.

I'll leave a gap so you can say it back.

- Fuck you! Fuck!
- Thank you, man.

Thank you. I felt that, right here.

Thank you. So, I suppose

you'll be on the run now.

I'll be rooting for you.

- See you on the flip side.
- Fuck!

- What was that?
- Nothing, Yaya!

- Are you all right, darling?
- No!

- What's wrong?
- No, I'm just dead.

I'm just fucking dead! That's all.

I'm just... dying soon!

Shit!