No Activity (2017–…): Season 3, Episode 6 - Kasprowicz v. Haldeman - full transcript

Previously on No Activity...

This thing with the tortoise.

Was it a romantic situation?

- Get out.
- That's a yes.

That's a little cheese.

For the little mouse.

- Mmm.
- I want to start by saying that, uh...

These corruption stories are true.

The disgraced agent was sentenced

- to six years in prison.
- Ooh...

Your witness' name
isn't Doris Silva, is it?



Yeah. Actually, it is.

This is awkward. She didn't make it.

Goddamn it!

If you are watching
this, I have flipped.

Fuck.

- What was that?
- Nothing, Yaya.

Okay, come on.

Gonna do this.

Evening.

I, uh... I need to see the chief.

I'm, uh, possessing some information

that will bring down the
Las Hormigas Cartel.

Okay. Uh, super.

Uh, just-just have a seat there.



No, no, no, uh, I don't
think you understand.

This is a big deal.

Mm-hmm. Absolutely.

And we are excited to hear it.

Uh, please take a seat.

We'll get to you as soon as we can.

This is a flip.

Okay.

Very good, thank you.

Absolutely, I'll send him back.

Okay.

Michael, with the noise complaint?

- You can head back.
- Thanks.

What?

- He just arrived.
- Sir?

He was here. He left and he came back.

Come on. Hey, Cop.

Get me a coffee.

Please?

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Oh, God, that smells like shit.

Oh. No, not shit...

what, what am I thinking of?

I'm trying to think
of the right analogy.

Oh, great.

There's a hole in my cup...

OFFICER Shots fired! Shots fired!

Take cover! We need medical...

This is SDPD, North Central Division.

We have an active shooter situation.

All right. Let's go.

I'm sorry for keeping you.

I was podcasting.

I'm Special Agent Dustin Kasprowicz.

- I'm working on a case...
- Something smells like dogshit.

I don't smell anything.

Well, I do. I smell dogshit.

Did you step in something?

Says a lot about your character
that you had to check.

Well, I wanted to make sure
for your sake that I didn't,

and I'm happy to report
there's nothing there.

- Well, as a fellow big-nosed guy...
- Mm-hmm?

... I could tell you
that you're fibbing.

Because I use this one to smell.

And I smell animal shit.

I don't smell anything at all.

- Smell deep.
- Now keep in mind,

I just came in from outside.

So I'm still smelling,
you know, freedom?

And maybe that's what's clogging it up.

Well, I'll tell you what's not inside,

is animals that shit on the floor.

So maybe you stepped on something.

- I doubt it.
- So take your fuckin' shoes off

- if you want to continue.
- Excuse me?

Take my shoes off?

I'll wait.

You can hand them to Phil over here.

Phil's my guy.

Thank you.

There you go. So...

- I'm working a case that is...
- Let's wait.

What were you gonna say?

Anyway, I'm working on a case

- that I think...
- I... got to tell you

the smell's still there.

I think it's in your socks.

You know what?

Let's just... nip this right in the bud.

Here you go, pal. Thanks.

I think it's "nip this in the butt."

I don't think it is. I think you're...

- that is, you've been misinformed.
- What's a bud?

- A plant?
- Yeah.

You're gonna nip something in the plant?

What, are you gonna nip it in
the butt? What does that mean?

That's a nip?

Like a kid who's getting out of control.

"I told you again to stop.

Oh, you're gonna keep... I told you...

I'm gonna nip that in the butt."

- We can agree to disagree.
- Yeah.

No doubt. You do look familiar.

- Uh...
- Have we met?

I don't think so.

I mean, we were both in law enforcement,

so, perhaps our paths crossed.

I think I know what it is.

- Hmm.
- It was the FBI/DEA joint raid

at the, um, what the fuck was it?

Uh, the Pine... the, uh...

- The, the mortuary.
- Resting Pines Mortuary.

- I was at that.
- I was at that, too.

With the little girl with
the, uh, with the, uh...

- Missile launcher!
- Yeah!

I...

I killed that girl's...

I killed that little girl's father.

- That was you?
- That was me, man.

- Oh, dude. Well done.
- Thanks, man.

You're looking at the guy
that killed her mother.

- Bullshit.
- Absolutely.

Boom. Scoped her.

- Buddy.
- That's cool, man.

- That's really cool.
- Holy cow.

- That's cool. Yeah.
- I am shocked we didn't meet.

Hey, I'm sorry I was
fucking with you earlier.

- Hey, man.
- I shouldn't have. You're a cool guy.

We should've figured that
out at the beginning.

- Yeah. Water under the bridge.
- This would've gone a lot smoother.

- Okay, so...
- What can I help you with?

- ... here's what I'm here for.
- Talk to me.

I'm chasing El Chappie

and the Las Hormigas gang.

We've got an in right
now with the Devils,

which is a biker gang that does
a lot of their grunt work,

where this guy comes into play.

Recognize him?

Yeah, that's Chief.

- Sweetheart. Good guy.
- Good.

So. Here is a...

- updated picture.
- Aw, ahh...

This is the fifth guy we've
lost in the last year.

He was gonna flip.

Now we're fucked. Their
shipment's about to come in,

and once it they get it,

- boom, they're ghosts.
- All right, okay.

Oh, well, what you need to do, then,

you need to talk to his partner.

I didn't even know he had a partner.

- That's great.
- Yeah.

Uh, where would I find him,

- and what is his name?
- His partner's name

is, uh... Fuck. What the fuck?

Uh, his partner's name is why
the fuck would I tell you?

You're nothing to me.

Put your socks on.

And your shoes.

You're embarrassing yourself.

I'll wait.

Okay.

Shoes on, so let's get...

Perfect.

Car 34, please report.

Car 34, no activity.

Copy that.

I think the rain has
scared the business away,

and the girls have called it a night.

Pretty boring.

Well, my grandpa always
said that the best way

to get rid of boredom is
to split it with a friend.

Yeah, that'd be great,
except my friend here

is, uh, fast asleep.

Moses is sleeping?

That guy's hilarious.

Let me ask you, does he have his pillow?

Yeah. Yeah, he brought his own pillow.

Who brings their own pillow to work?

What kind of message does that send?

Hey, he's a character, that's for sure.

All right, well, I'm always here
if you want to chew the fat.

Well, actually, uh,
while I got you there,

do you have any information

on the, uh, the Doris Silva case?

Doris Silva.

Uh, extradited prisoner,
murdered earlier this month.

Yeah. Is there any update on that?

Anything you can tell me, like, uh,

where the detectives are looking or... ?

Sorry, friend. I can't share anything

on the, uh, Silva case. I'm sorry.

- I know that's tough.
- Oh, man,

you have no idea.
I used to be a detective.

You know, I'm trying to climb
my way back up, so if you have

any kind of information,
it could really help me.

Please, man. Please.

If you could give me anything at all,

I would just owe you big-time.

Oh, man, I...

I know shouldn't, but... all right.

All right. Let me see what I can do.

Thank you, man. Thank you so much.

I would really appreciate that.

I really appreciate it. Thanks, man.

I'll talk to you soon. Thank you.

Sorry, man. Was I talking too loud?

Just let me know if I'm
interrupting your...

Just doing some police work.

You know, sometimes I think...

maybe I wanted to get caught.

Then other times, I think...

- no, I didn't.
- What is this?

What transaction are we even doing here?

I need your help. Give me the name,

and you won't have to see me anymore.

- What, are you begging?
- I'm not gonna beg.

Okay? Are you gonna
give me the name or not?

'Cause I don't like a beggar, and
if you beg, it's not gonna work.

It's weakness.

But if you were my friend, I don't know.

I do things for my friends.

I like friendship.

So, if you were my
friend, maybe I'd help,

but if you're not my
friend, I don't know,

but I got to tell you, I'm a
pretty good friend to have.

- Ain't that right, Phil?
- You're my best friend.

Not best friends.

He said you were his best friend.

He's not my best friend. Phil?

- To me, you are.
- To me, you're not, though.

I've told you that. And
stop saying that, man.

You make me look like a fucking weirdo.

Understood.

He's definitely not my best friend.

Hey, sounds like you guys
need to work this out.

He hangs near my cell a
lot, but I can't leave.

- Uh-huh.
- So I hear a lot of his stuff,

but I don't give him my stuff.

- All right.
- So it's a one-sided friendship.

- Ah.
- If I was on the outside...

and I'm not afraid to say this to him,

'cause I have said it to him...
he wouldn't be my friend.

But, Phil, would he still
be your best friend?

Inside or out, you're my best friend.

So, inside, he's in my group of friends.

- Mm-hmm.
- Outside...

A real zero.

I wouldn't want anything to do with him.

- Yeah. Got it.
- He's not my kind of guy.

Gotcha.

But friendship's an important thing.

'Cause you can give
friendship to somebody,

and they can do whatever
they want with it.

And that's what this is about...
it's about friendship to me.

Do you mind turning around?

Copy.

I don't want to be friends with him,

- but I want to be friends with you.
- Here's the thing.

You're my kind of cop.
You got shit done.

- Yeah.
- You're the kind of cop that I want

having my back out there.

And right now,

you have an opportunity

- to have my back, okay?
- Go ahead.

You give me this name,
your life gets better,

my life gets better, our
friendship gets stronger.

The kind of friendship we
would... become pen pals?

I would love nothing more

than to drop you a note
every once in a while.

Hell, I'll keep you updated

on how the case is going.
Just so you feel

- a little bit of that juice.
- Fuck the case.

- I don't want the case.
- Fuck the case, then.

I'll tell you about stuff I'm up to.

- Dates and stuff?
- Yeah, sure.

I mean, I'm just getting
over a thing right now,

so I'm kind of hibernating.

Tell me the story, but would
you mind it in letter form?

- Oh, I'll write it to you.
- Like, "Dear... " No, like, do... Yeah.

Dear Josh:

Hey, it's me, Dustin.

That's one of my best friends.

I want to just tell you

a quick story, like I mentioned
when I saw you in prison,

about the... love that I just lost.

Ah, shit, I've been waiting
to hear about this.

I met her on a case,

chasing El Chappie.

I ended up having to infiltrate a...

I'm not gonna lie... the
letter's getting boring.

Well, anyhow, man...

- I'm into this, okay?
- Great.

And I'm getting close to
wanting to help you out,

but here's what I'm afraid of.

- Yeah.
- I'm afraid you're telling me

what I want to hear,
but you don't mean it.

Doesn't it seem like that?
You can turn around, man.

I didn't realize you were
still facing the corner.

Thank you, sir.

Doesn't it kind of feel that way, Phil?

It does feel like that.

- Shut the fuck up, Phil.
- Here's what I feel like.

Feels like it's prom night
and you're my date.

And I'm excited about the date,

and you've given me a lot of promises.

So I got myself ready.
I got my nails did.

I got my hair perfect. I got a dress.

I spent money, son.

And, finally, for the first time,

I'm comfortable showing my body.

But I'm afraid

you're gonna stand me up.
Is that what's gonna happen?

Are you gonna stand me up on prom night?

Let's cut the shit.

We both know, if you help me,

I can snap my fingers, get
you transferred out of here

into a nice minimum-security prison.

There's one that has a badminton court.

Hmm...

My answer is no.

Please, please, that's so not necessary.

We have great news, babies.

The data has come back to us

on the first rollout of the BopBots,

and we are very, very encouraged.

Mission accomplished!

Guys, come on. Come on, please.

However...

every up has a down.

And that's just not me talking.

That's Sir Isaac Newton,

regarded by many as
the father of physics;

a lifelong virgin and predictor
of the 2060 apocalypse.

And yes, the hat was a tribute to him.

I-I wasn't gonna ask about the hat.

- You said there was a down?
- Yes, indeed.

With the BopBots being such
an unmitigated success,

we will, unfortunately,
have to let a few of you go.

- What?
- Yeah, but don't worry.

You'll be fairly compensated.

How many is a few?

Exactly half.

- Oh, my God!
- What did I tell you all?

They're replacing us.

This list has been
e-mailed to all of you.

If your name is not on the list,

your contract here has expired.

Quick, Fats, am I on the list?

- Am I on the list? Hurry up.
- Okay, wait, I'm looking. I'm looking.

- I'm looking.
- Look faster.

Yeah, you're on there.

You're safe.

- But I'm fired.
- Oh.

- Them's the breaks, kiddo.
- I'm fired?

That doesn't make any sense.

I'm the one who welcomed BopBot.

I'm the one in favor of new technology.

Yeah, well, like my mom always told me,

if you're gonna fuck a snake,

don't cry when you get
bit on the mouse pouch.

You got bit.

You got bit bad.

Apologies, everyone. Reverse that.

If your name is on the list,

your employment here
is over. Sorry, guys.

Human error... which is exactly
why we need the BopBots.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Please contact your BopBot
for a reference, Janice.

Adiós.

I don't know, Chief.
We're pretty outnumbered.

Are you sure you want to go in?

Yes? You're saying yes?

Are you sure? It's a suicide mission.

Are you 100% positive?

You're a crazy motherfucker, aren't you?

Okay. Let's do it.

Ready to go? On the count of three.

One...

You don't have to nod every
time I say something.

Please stop nodding.
I'm trying to focus.

Fuck me.

What am I doing?

Then you get into the politics of:

what days which group
gets to run the TV.

The inner politics...
beyond fascinating.

Who decides on what?

Oh, I'm sorry. Are you bored?

- Yeah, no.
- Is this story boring to you?

Then why don't you ask me what I want,

so I can give it to you

so we can move on with our fucking day?

'Cause I don't like this, and
you're not doing anything

for the conversation.
I got to tell all the stories.

Is there something you want?

Well, isn't that what this is about?

Isn't that the game?

I do this, you do that,

then finally you say,
"What is it that you want?"

And I tell you what I want,
and then you give it to me

and I give you the name?
'Cause there is something I want.

Great. All right, see?

Now we're talking.

- Yeah.
- What do we got?

I miss, uh, the feeling...

of, uh, pine needles under my feet.

I miss the feeling

of rubbing my face against a
newborn kitten's whiskers.

Especially when they're just days old.

You know, I also miss the
sounds of dogs barking.

Phil, would you mind?

Thanks.

Now I don't miss that anymore.

Okay. I've listened to you drone on.

Now you're gonna listen to me.

You're up for parole in eight months.

I'm either gonna go to that parole board

and I'm gonna whisper
sweet nothings in their ear,

or I'm gonna whisper sour,
toxic nothings in their ear,

and you're gonna stay here
a lot longer than you think.

You trying to scare me
into telling you the name

so I can leave jail?

I'm just telling you what's up.

Let me tell you what's
up... I fucking love jail.

I could do 20 more years
standing on my head,

and not for the reasons you think.

Yes, I've made friends, and
yes, the food is pretty good,

but that's not the reason.

The reason is, is 'cause
I've learned skills in here.

- Oh, really?
- Oh, really.

- Like what?
- Like close-up magic.

- Oh, no.
- Oh, yeah.

I know magic.

I don't have time
for this. I'll be hon...

Oh. Wow.

Hmm.

- Whew.
- Do me a favor.

Pick a card.

Seven of diamonds.

Hey. That was it. Yeah.

But when you consider

how much time you have on your hands,

it's actually not that impressive.

- Pick another one.
- Listen to me.

I want that name, and I
want that name right now.

It's getting a little tense, isn't it?

Phil, how about a tune?

♪ Ave ♪

♪ Maria... ♪

Car 34, come in.

Car 34. No activity.

- Uh, any news?
- Uh, bad news, I'm afraid.

I really wanted to help,
but the case is tied up

with the Las Hormigas
Cartel; it's all top secret.

The boss would kill me
if I shared any details.

I'm sorry, Cullen.
I really wanted to help.

Yeah, copy that.

Anyway, I appreciate you
trying to help me out.

Uh, I didn't catch
your name, by the way.

You can call me Bob.

Bob? You're not Reynolds's
little brother, are you?

You can call me Bob.

Yeah, what's your, what's
your last name, though?

You can call me Bob.

Bob, you're not a robot are you?

Ha, ha. That's crazy. I'm Bob.

Can you hear me okay?

Yeah, I can hear you. I'm
asking you: Are you a robot?

Ha, ha. That's crazy. I'm Bob.
Can you hear me okay?

Do you really think these sentient tubes

of bullshit are gonna improve anything?

They already have.

The numbers don't lie.

No, but jerk-offs like you do.

Simon, grab me an extra
large vanilla ChapStick.

The more you control the BopBots,

the more programmed
it is to fuck us over.

You know what? I'll be pretty annoyed

if I've been talking
all night to a robot.

- Are you a robot?
- No way.

Okay, if you're not, just say
the words, "I am not a robot."

Ha, ha. That's crazy. I'm Bob.
Can you hear me okay?

Yes, I can hear you perfectly.

Now just repeat after
me, "I am not a robot."

You and I should get
food together sometime.

Do you enjoy pizza?

You think you're such a wizard man,

so smart putting all these
people out of work.

It's progress, Janice. We
got to keep moving forward.

But I know what the endgame is. Hmm?

All it's about is a bunch
of guys sitting around

wanting to fuck robots.

And the problem is?

Admit to me that you're a robot.

You are sounding upset.

Is there anything I can do to help?

Janice, please leave. You're fired.

Let's get security up here.

You can't fire me because I quit.

But everybody just saw
you get fired, so nah.

Oh, okay, I'm fired.

- I better take this with me.
- No.

- Janice, please.
- It's gonna be my new keychain.

Janice. No, don't.

That's you at night.

Please, I beg you.

- Everybody watching?
- Janice, no. Don't you dare.

Yeah, I'm fucking upset.

I've been talking to a
fucking robot all night.

You're worse than this fucking guy.

You're overreacting, Janice.
Just, like, chill out.

No, no, no, no, Janice, no! No!

Good morning.

Oh. I didn't realize I...

Ken, grab me another one, would you?

Oh, you motherfucker.

Fuck all of you!

I am out of here!

And, hey,

you all know he fucked
a tortoise, right?

You fucked a tortoise.

You fucked it.

Wow, what time is it?

Uh, it's about 45 minutes
before the end of our shift.

So congratulations,

you've managed to
sleep the entire shift.

- Thanks.
- You're welcome.

How do you do it, man?

- I bring a pillow.
- No, I mean,

how do you not care?

I... And I don't mean that
as a judgement, I mean,

I want to know how do you do your job

and just not care so much?

You just catch the fish you need.

What is that supposed to mean?

Well, you're asking me why I'm sleeping,

why I'm not still out
there catching the fish.

Oh, okay, is this a fable and
in the fable we're fishermen?

It's a parable, and,
yeah, we're fishermen.

- Uh-huh. That wasn't clear.
- What are the fish to you?

Is it success?

Is it money?

Yeah, I like those fish, sure.

For me, it's just, right now,

- in my... in my brain, they're fish.
- Okay.

- So?
- But what would I do

with all those fish?

You say, I can sell the
fish and make some money

and buy a big boat, and then, you know,

sail out to deeper
waters, colder waters,

where, you know, it gets dangerous.

- Mm.
- And with all those fish,

you could sell 'em

- for lots and lots of money.
- Right.

And then hire a crew, just
do all the catching for you.

But then what am I gonna do?

Well, I guess you're a
very successful fisherman,

so you would, uh, sit back, relax,

enjoy your... fishing success.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I see.

That's... You're relaxing now.

It's a very... circular... parable.

Come on, man.

Just... try it out.

- Oh, no.
- It's the cool side.

- Yeah, that's...
- Just a few minutes.

You know you want to.

I don't really want to.

Just try. You...

Just try.

♪ ... never even knew ya ♪

♪ Ah-ah-ah-vay ♪

♪ Mari... ♪

♪ Ee-ee-ee ♪

♪ Ee-ee-ee ♪

- ♪ Ah. ♪
- Phil,

that... was... gorgeous.

Those are not the words
to that song, though.

"Ave Maria, I never really knew ya"?

- I was just going with it.
- Well,

this has been fun, but I got to go.

You want to know what I want?

I want you... to contact my wife Tammy.

She's okay with this.

And I want you to go in our sauna.

We have a sauna in our house.

And she knows how hot to make it.

You just follow her rules.

You guys are gonna drink
two bottles of Chardonnay.

Then you're gonna have sex.

She's gonna be on top,
she's gonna do all the work.

So you're gonna have her smell all over.

Then you're gonna drive straight here,

and I'm gonna smell
you from knees to tits,

front and back, for
ten straight minutes,

no talking.

Then you're gonna leave, and
we're never gonna discuss it,

and we will never make eye contact.

You do that... I give you the name.

I just miss the smell of that woman.

That's the air I breathe,
that's my freedom.

Deal.

- Great.
- Oh, yes!

Or...

I could just arrange for her to
come in for a conjugal visit.

They don't... they don't do
those anymore. Those are...

That's just an idea from the
movies. It's not a real thing.

- Oh, it's a very real thing.
- No, it isn't.

- Phil told me they don't exist.
- No, they've stopped doing those.

I don't know who gave Phil that
information, but he's wrong.

There's a fuck box right
behind this prison.

I want to go in the fuck box with Tammy.

Done.

You promise that I can trust you?

I do.

This is me writing down
Chief's partner's name,

and if you can get that
done, then this is yours.

- We have a deal?
- Absolutely.

- Okay, good.
- Great.

- Then this is yours.
- Great.

Great. Magic.

Phil, do you mind coming over here?

- On my way.
- Thanks.

Do you mind putting two
fingers into Phil's mouth

and seeing what you find?

Ugh.

Oh. Really?

I insist.

You'll want to.

Oh.

- Ugh.
- Deeper.

No. Don't tell me. No!

"Gary Westbrook." Hmm.

Thank you very much, Haldeman.

Magic.

- Thank you about the Tammy thing.
- It's been a pleasure.

- Very excited to have sex with her.
- And thank you, Victor.

- Of course. Yeah.
- Great work.

Oh!

Turns out Phil's real name is Victor.

See...

... down at the bureau, they've
got this crazy department

that just does focus groups
and psychological testing.

You know, in this case, to find out

what names people find trustworthy.

Turns out, Phil is a
very trustworthy name.

Victor... not so much.
Duplicitous, secretive.

People don't trust Victors.

They do trust Phils.

When you threw my boots,

- oh, my God.
- Well...

- That was amazing.
- That was just off the top of my head. I...

All right, eat shit, asshole.

Oh, man.

It was so good. It was so good.

I'm sorry.

It got real for me, too.

- Victor!
- I'm coming. I'm sorry.

The victim, Gavin "Chief" Reed, Jr.,

was a known felon

who was apparently turning witness

against the Las Hormigas Cartel

when he was shot dead by a sniper

in the foyer of the San
Diego Police Department.