No Activity (2017–…): Season 3, Episode 4 - Death Knock - full transcript

Previously on No Activity...

- Replace human work force.
- What the fuck?

You finish the job.

Take the poison, you
put it in the syringe,

you get dressed in
the doctor's disguise,

and you go into the hospital,
and you inject her.

Doctor.

Come on. Don't die, don't
die. Don't do this to me.

Doc.

- Is she okay?
- No, she died.

We did all we could.



Car 34, please report.

This is Car 34. We're at the house now.

We're gonna give the
husband the bad news.

Copy that.

Okay.

Rip it off, like a Band-Aid.

- Here I go.
- Wha... Just like that?

What?

You're about to perform
one of our saddest duties.

You might want to take some time

and put some thought into
what you're gonna say.

It's a death knock.
I know what I'm gonna say.

Yeah. That's what you said last time.

- What was the last time?
- The construction worker?



You told the widow, "He's dead. Finito."

Okay, there's no way I said, "Finito."

You said, "Finito."

- You know what? I'll do it.
- No, no, no, no.

I got to do it, okay? I'm... This
is my responsibility, all right?

I want to make amends.
I want to catch the killer.

I owe that to Doris.

Who's Doris?

See? Exactly.

See, Doris is the witness
who died on my watch, okay?

So now I have to do this

- and I'm gonna do it right now.
- All right.

Just out of interest,
how would you do it?

- I knock on the door.
- Right.

Three gentle taps, two knuckles.

Door opens. "I'm sorry to inform you,

but your wife has been murdered."

Why are you smiling?

It's not a smiley smile,
it's a comforting smile.

Terrible. Here's how you do it,

"I'm sorry to inform you, but
your wife has been murdered."

With a shrug? That's
the motion for, like,

uh, "I'm sorry your 8:30
session has been cancelled."

You're hardly the lord of death knocks.

What about that time you
knocked on the door and went,

"Oh, I'm sorry to
disturb you, Mrs. Chun.

"I've got some terrible
news about your son.

He was killed in a hit and run"?

- That was an accidental rhyme.
- Right.

And she actually started laughing.

No, that wasn't laughter, that
was crying, hysterical crying.

Is that guy flashing us?

Is that the widower?

Oh, God, surely not.

All right, come on, get ready.
You can do this, just improvise.

- Stay in the moment, okay?
- No. Fuck.

Oh, God, it's that FBI guy.

Oh, man, the guy that was
on the stakeout last year?

The hostage thing. He fucking hates me.

- FBI, unlock the door.
- Shit.

Hey.

All right, I don't know what you
shitheads are doing out here,

but I need you to clear out right now.

Well, we just need a minute.

No, no, no, buh-buh-buh.
There are no "minutes," okay?

That house right there
belongs to a key witness.

I don't want you sitting out
here in a black and white

drawing attention to the neighborhood.

Uh, your witness' name
isn't Doris Silva, is it?

- What? Yeah, actually, it is.
- Ah.

She was extradited from
Kansas a few days ago.

- Right.
- Wh-Why do you know that?

This is awkward, uh, but,
um, she didn't make it.

From Kansas? I got a text and
an e-mail that said she made it.

No, no, no, no. She-she passed.

She passed, what, San Diego?

- No, no, no, no, no. She...
- Where is she, Mexico?

Dead. Murdered. Dead.

What?

- "Dead. Murdered. Dead"?
- Yeah.

That's how you break the news to me?

I said she didn't make it.

"Didn't make it" when
someone's traveling means

they might've missed their plane,

they didn't get there
on time. There's a lot

that can f... You know what?

- This is a nightmare!
- She died.

- This is fucking bullshit!
- Okay.

This is the fourth time
this has happened to me

in four years. I needed her!

Goddammit!

He's really upset.

How can you be sure that
the target didn't die

of her previous injuries?

No, too convenient.

You weren't there, you don't know.

That nurse, she was up to something.

I knew her face from somewhere.

I think this nurse beat us to it.

Fuck.

I know it's not good, but
what is interesting is that,

even as two assassins in full disguise,

she dresses as a nurse,

while I dress as a doctor.

Gender stereotypes,
man, still fully in play.

Why didn't I dress as a nurse?

Where does that come from, you think?

TV, maybe.

You know M*A*S*H didn't have a
female doctor till season seven.

Don't think you appreciate
the stakes here, Gary.

Someone finished our job.

You fucked up, which means

we fucked up, and when
our boss finds out,

we're not gonna get a bad Yelp review,

we're gonna get liquidated.

No, come on, he's gonna kill us?

He's had us do it to other
people for much less.

That seems nuts. That seems like
such an overreaction, though.

That's what murder is,
Gary, an overreaction!

- Okay, not always.
- Yes, always!

Anything less is bullying.

That is very true.

That is very true and well said.

Jesus.

I understand, ma'am,
but if the cops are there,

everything should be fine.
You should be safe.

Okay. Buh-bye.

Ooh, 911 overflow is hard, huh?

Oh, fuck you, you VCR. How's that, huh?

Little coffee warmer, that's
all you are, piece of shit.

Janice, don't put your coffee on BopBot.

- Why?
- It's not a table.

- Thanks, Fatima.
- I got you.

Boy, you two sure are chummy.

You know that toaster oven is trying

- to take over our jobs, right?
- No, it's not.

When I had a rough 911 overflow call,

I sent it over to BopBot.

Happy to help, Fatima.

It's doing the jobs we'd rather not do.

What would it know about our jobs?

We help Americans.

We grew here. That
piece of shit flew here.

- Mm, did it?
- Yeah.

It came over from China.

This thing comes over here,

they cluster together in gangs,

and they drain the American tax dollars.

Uh, you're talking about BopBots,

- right?
- Yeah.

They don't deserve
good-paying jobs like ours.

They should only work as
cleaners and gardeners.

It just really feels like you're
talking about immigrants.

Immigrants? Immigrants
made this country.

You hate immigrants,

but you'll talk to this piece of shit?

I love immigrants.

You know, I almost saw
Hamilton three times,

but I didn't because I hate musicals

and I couldn't afford it. Wow.

Boy, I sure hope you don't vote.

Racist.

Hey, Chief, if it's really
that bad with the boss,

well, if it's like you said,

then maybe we should, uh...

Use your words, Gary.

Maybe we flip. Maybe you and I flip.

Don't even think about it, you...

fucking pancake. Jesus.

Let's just talk about flipping.

- Maybe flipping is...
- No, no, no.

- That's... our only way out.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

We are never talking about
fucking... ever again.

Because if you go to the cops, Gary,

I will have to kill you!

You boys hungry?

- No, thanks, Yaya.
- Yeah, I could eat.

What the hell?

What? I'm hungry.

She can't cook anymore.

You know that she's just
gonna go and rummage

through the freezer and
then she's gonna try

to use the microwave which doesn't work

just to come out with a
plate with no food on it.

So then we have to play out the
charade of you eating food

when there is no food

on the plate.

I'm sorry there's no mac and cheese,

but I do have cheese and mac.

Ah, good one, Mrs. Westbrook.

- Okay.
- You still got it, babe.

Now I got to go cook you food, man.

That's insane.

I'm coming, Yaya.

Vermont Cheddar.

Oh. Yeah. Yaya?

Put the knife down, sweetie. It's sharp.

You've really done it this time, Mason.

No, you're gonna fix this.

All right, I don't want...
no, don't give me that shit.

All right? Fix it.

Oh, my God.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

I just can't do it anymore.

What is it this time?

You remember that sword I got him?

No.

No?

I remember your dumb story

about your grandmother at Ellis Island,

and you can't remember what
I got my son for his birthday?

My grandmother died on Ellis Island.

Well, that's not a story,
that's a sentence.

So, for his 17th birthday,

I got my son a beautiful, one of a kind,

genuine 18th-century samurai sword.

I mean, I really went

- on a limb to get it for him.
- Wow.

You got Mason a samurai sword?

- Like, a real one?
- Yeah. It cost me

700 bucks on the black market.

You remember Tony
from downstairs, right?

Tony, who was convicted of selling

- police evidence?
- Yeah, yeah.

Remember that murder-suicide
that happened

on the docks a couple years ago?

- It was a murder weapon?
- Yeah. And Mason

did the one thing I told
him not to do with it.

- Oh, God.
- Yeah.

Listen, if this involves animals, or...

He sold it for 400 bucks.

- Oh.
- And he took that money

and he donated it to a charity

protecting Native American land

from an oil pipeline.

Un-fucking-believable.

- Wow, Mason did that?
- Everyone knows

in my family, we don't vote,

we don't march and we
don't donate to a charity.

Especially an imaginary one.

No, it's not imaginary.

I really, really used
to understand Mason.

I mean, just last year,
I got called to the school.

Remember when he got his
penis stuck in that volleyball?

Oh, yeah. I remember it very well.

I remember it from the
photo you sent me.

I mean, that shit I get, you know?
That's part of growing up.

Like, growing pains.

- Yeah.
- But this?

I don't get it.

And then, plus, to make
this donation anonymous,

I mean, I can't even write
it off on my income taxes.

- Wow.
- He's doing this to spite me.

You know, I breastfed
him once. Just once.

And I've been paying for it ever since.

Oh, it's just, I've been on this cartel

for years, man.

And if I don't get them right
now, they're gonna disappear

for another six months,
and then I'm totally fucked.

Absolutely, categorically fucked.

Hey.

You mind if I eat this banana?

- Okay.
- Thanks.

It's just, I'm out here
all alone, you know?

With so little support.

Nothing. I have no resources.

We got to start talking
to each other again.

I mean, what the fuck are we doing?

This is no way to conduct this business.

And you know who I blame?

Who?

- Hollywood.
- Right.

- Right?
- Right.

When's the last time you
saw a cop movie or TV show

and they didn't have that scene

where some group of
cops comes up and says,

"This is our investigation
now. Get out of here."

Right. That's what you just did to us.

- Huh?
- You just did that to us.

- See? Yeah. See? You get it.
- Right.

You get it, right? That's exactly it.

We've internalized this abuse.

We've internalized this
behavior. And now,

we're perpetuating it on each other.

- Mm-hmm.
- Hey, wait a second.

Do I fucking know you guys?

Uh, yeah. I think so, from
the hostage thing last year.

Oh, right. Yes.

Yes!

- Right.
- That's who you are.

- I yelled at you last year.
- Mm-hmm.

- Mm-hmm.
- Was I, like, kind of an asshole?

I probably owe you an apology.

- That's my bad.
- Nah.

At the time, I had an undiagnosed case

- of celiac's disease.
- Oh.

It was actually my girlfriend
that figured it out.

She's a nutritionist.
Well, she's training

to be a nutritionist in prison,
so it's kind of in progress.

That's amazing. Uh, look,
I don't want to rush you up,

but we've actually got some
work we got to do, so...

Wait. Are you guys doing a death knock?

- Mm.
- Aw. Can I do it?

I love death knocks.

- You love them?
- Oh, yeah.

Are you kidding? This is, like,

engaging in one of the true
mysteries of humanity.

There's a transference
of energy that... listen,

I don't want to say
it's exclusively erotic,

but it is deeply sexual.

It's a level of intimacy that is
forged between these two people

that cannot be expressed or understood.

It is ephemeral, vulnerable...

I mean, you're connecting

consciousness to consciousness.

Nothing is left unexpressed.

Okay. I've had more
intimate death knocks

than I have marriages.

Ugh. This is a win.

- I would love to do this.
- Well, it's my responsibility, so...

I could use a win right now.

I-I get that it's exciting and
it really turns you on...

Ooh, it's more than
exciting, it's electric.

And that's why I should do it, not you.

This is really my responsibility.
I'm gonna do it.

Oh. Oh, okay.

Well, it's just that I-I extradited her,

- so, you know, I-I know her. I'm...
- Okay, fine.

If you're not gonna let
me do it, will you take

body cam footage of
it and send it to me?

Yeah. I'll, uh, I'll definitely,
uh, send you the footage.

Oh, great. Good.

So, here's my e-mail. It's

"How are there 38 other

Detective Dustin Kasprowiczs?"

- Right? Uh...
- Right. Right.

Uh, should I-I write that down?
I got a notebook, so...

No, it's okay. I put it in the
old detective's notebook.

I'm a detective, actually,
so... it's all up there.

Cool. All right. I'm gonna
get the fuck out of here.

I got to go scare up some
new leads on this case

before it totally bones me in the ass.

Oh, if you get any new leads,

uh, do you want to get in touch
with me, uh, let me know?

I-I would love to help, be involved

- in any way I could.
- Hey, fuck you.

This is an FBI case.
You're not involved.

What about tribalism and
talking to each other

- and Hollywood?
- I'm just busting your balls, man.

- Oh.
- If I find out anything,

I'll get in touch with you.

Not because I have to,
but because I want to.

Great. Well, I'll give you my details.

Why? I just gave you my e-mail.

E-mail me. Thanks for the banana.

Turds.

What the fuck was his e-mail?

You put it in your detective notebook.

No, I didn't put anything anywhere.

- W-What was it? Do you remember?
- What...

No, I don't. Uh... Justin something?

I don't know. I told you
I could've written it down.

You should've written it down!

Justin...

- Justin...
- Kaspo...

- Kaspero...
- Kaspro...

Yeah. Yeah. Garry Kasparov, 38.

- G-Gmail.
- There you go.

garrykasparov38@gmail.

Yeah.

Fact. Come here.

- Okay.
- Dispatch is over.

It's dead. This automation thing

is gonna kick us out of our
job in a matter of months.

I don't think so.

Well, I'm not gonna sit around and wait

for that to happen, so we
have to some up with a plan.

I came up with one, the problem
is we have to apply for it.

- Apply for what?
- Correction officers.

- Prison guards?
- Bingo, sister.

Isn't that dangerous?

No, that's the whole thing.

Everyone thinks it's
dangerous so no one applies.

At least competent people don't apply.

Listen, I got a cousin
Dina who works up there

in Brookvale Penitentiary.

They are dying for female guards.

Brookvale? Isn't that the men's prison?

It's not any men's prison.

Do you remember that calendar
that came out a few years ago,

- "Bad Boys of Crime"?
- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, those were the Brookvale inmates.

- So?
- So it's the hot men's prison.

All they do all day long is
they work out and shred,

okay? Our job would be to watch them

from the tower and
the cameras; it's easy.

So basically, you want to work there

'cause the inmates are hot.

Not just because of that.

We literally become boss ladies.

Listen, last year an inmate threw

a cup of liquid on my cousin Dina.

She got six months
trauma leave, fully paid.

She spent the summer in Mykonos.

Was it a cup of urine?

Whether it was urine or
not urine, who's to say?

The important thing, it was liquid gold.

Just think about it. Was it urine?

Greece sounds nice,

- but a cup of urine?
- Oh, what,

you're too good to have a cup
of urine thrown in your face?

Mmm. Delectable.

Okay. So,

there is one way out of this.

I go to the boss,

I point out our immaculate record,

and I ask for a second chance.

Okay. That sounds like a great idea.

I'll come with you.
We gotta go together.

Uh, probably best if
I go alone, I think.

Why?

I got a good relationship with the boss.

Yeah, me, too. I mean, we're both...

We're a team, so we'll go.

I wouldn't bring the mood
down after a great meal,

but, um, the boss
doesn't like you, Gary.

That's ridiculous. He said...

He said I was like a son to him.

Yeah. Yeah, he hates his son.

Why doesn't he like me?

He said he doesn't
like your personality.

My whole fuckin' personality?

Pretty much.

- Wow.
- Thinks you're an opportunist.

Or was it climber?

Can't remember.

Anyhoo, he hates how you scuff
your boots when you walk.

How sometimes you explain things

that are pretty self-explanatory.

He also hates your hair.

My hair? What does that
have to do with anything?

You really want to know?

- Yeah.
- One time

he was walking behind you,
and didn't realize it was you.

Noticed your beautiful locks

skipping on your shoulders.

He was quite aroused.

Then you turned around.

He didn't like the way he felt.

Yeah, I get it.

He hates me, that's fine.

Moving on.

That's why I should go by myself,

alone.

Give ourselves the best chance at this.

Just be careful.

Please.

Oh, uh...

on the off chance that I don't return...

Don't even say that, man.

Well, it's a possibility.

I want you to open our bar.

You seem to have a pretty clear vision

of what you want it to be.

Not without you.

I'm not gonna open a
place called "Gary's."

That sounds like a soup kitchen.

Okay?

You just come back to me safely.

Give me a hug.

Thanks for everything, Mrs. Westbrook.

What?

Hey, Chief.

You be safe, okay?

Good times. Good times.

Okay, fuck.

Okay, I'll just do it. I'll just do it.

- You got this.
- Okay. Yeah. Here I go.

- You want my hat?
- Why do I want your hat?

Well, some people like to
start with it on their head,

and then move it to their heart.

- I-I have my own hat.
- Okay.

Where is it? Oh, come on.

Did I forget my fucking hat today?!

- Where is my hat? Goddamn it!
- Okay, chill...

Come on. Here. Relax.

- Okay.
- You're gonna be great.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

I'm just stressed out about
losing this witness, you know.

Oh, come on, it's not your fault.

I don't know, man.

I just got this feeling like
I peaked, like, five years ago.

And I'm never gonna
get back to that peak.

You know? And the sad thing is

I didn't enjoy it at the time
'cause I was so consumed

by trying to get ahead.

- Look at me.
- No.

- Look at me.
- No, Tolbeck.

Don't do this now.

Cullen, look at me.

Look at me.

I am looking at you.

You're gonna get back there.

You're the best cop I know.

- Do you really think so?
- Yeah.

You're my favorite cop.

You got this. You got this.

Nice knock.

Ooh, that's a curveball.
Okay, you got this.

Are you... Uh, is your dad home?

Oh, uh...

Oh? Uh-oh.

Okay, aah. Okay.

No, no, no, I should...
I should just tell you.

How old are you, like, 13, 14?

It doesn't matter,
I-I'm just gonna tell you.

It's gonna be in the papers
anyway, so it's better

you hear it from a professional.

- No, no.
- Well, you see...

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Don't do...

I'm very sorry to say

- that your mom has died.
- No, no, no.

Cullen! Cullen! Don't.

- No! No! No!
- But... I was by her side.

- Uh, finito.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,

- wait, wait. No, no, no, no.
- I'm gonna avenge her death.

- Okay, no, no, no.
- That is my promise to you.

- Okay?
- He's just kidding.

- It was nice meeting you.
- No, I'm sorry.

- Have a good evening.
- Come on. We can't say that to her.

Okay, look, she is dead. I'm so sorry

- for your loss, okay?
- We're both sorry. I'm really sorry.

- We're very sorry.
- And, um...

I shouldn't have lied to you like that,

- but that's just the way we are.
- This is terrible;

- you're never gonna forget this night.
- Sometimes we make mistakes.

- We're making it worse.
- You're going to be better.

- You'll be okay. You'll be okay.
- I'm sorry. You're making it worse.

- You're making it worse.
- Okay. God,

- you're so on the spectrum.
- Okay?

I'm gonna avenge her death.

- I promise you.
- Come on, let's go.

Well, that was fuckin' terrible.

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