No Activity (2017–…): Season 3, Episode 3 - There's No Ocean in Wichita - full transcript

Previously on No Activity...

You know the Las Hormigas Cartel

- that she's giving evidence against?
- Yeah.

- Oh.
- I worked the case last year.

Effective immediately,

each desk will receive

a BopBot.

Dispatch will be partially automated.

My wife has left me.

I cannot be by myself in San Diego.

You know what, you're not gonna be.



- 'Cause you're gonna stay with me tonight.
- I cannot...

What do we know about the target?

- Who are they? What do they do?
- Nothing.

Just whoever checks into that room next.

Paging Dr. Buchanan.

Dr. Buchanan.

It's bright.

Yeah, it's a hospital.
It tends to be bright.

- Oh, God.
- You know what,

you don't have to be here.

- I do.
- Can't stress that enough.

I cannot be alone tonight.

- Okay.
- You are the only thing I have

- in this town, man.
- Mm-hmm.



You're the only thing I have.

Okay. Okay.

- God, it's so bright.
- Yeah.

You can close your eyes,
or you can leave.

I'm not gonna ask the hospital
to turn its lights down, okay?

I'm here to protect Doris.

Who?

Doris Silva,

the prisoner-turned-witness
that you lost on the plane.

Oh. Did we find her?

Yeah. And then she got shot.

- Is this ringing a bell... for you?
- Yeah.

No, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

It is.

I got gaps, though, if I'm being honest.

Okay.

I just... man, I-I just
want to let you know...

I'm not usually like this.

It's okay. I know.

No, I've got... I've got to say this.

You-you have seen me raw.

What the fuck happened to your face?

What happened?

Oh.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

No, last night was bad.

Yeah, okay. Um, it's okay.

- Last night was bad.
- All right.

I haven't had a drink in nine years.

Uh-huh.

Nine years, Exit Lane.

Express Lane. Mm.

- Huh?
- No, you just...

You called me...
Oh, fuck. Doesn't matter.

Excuse me, sir.

Uh, you're gonna have
to go around, I'm afraid.

- Stop there, please.
- This is the only

- wheelchair-accessible hallway.
- I know.

You're gonna have to go
back down to the lobby,

then use the east wing elevator,
okay? This area's cordoned off.

I'm just trying to get to
that door right there.

I understand. You're
gonna have to go around.

Come on, man. I'm a veteran.

He said you have to go around!

Thank you for your service,
but you have to go around.

You have to go around.

God, this thing is great. Whew.

Mm-hmm.

I feel like a new man.

- Mm.
- You know, doctors do this all the time.

- Oh, yeah?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Get drunk, go to bed, stab, stab, stab,

fall asleep.

Fresh as a daisy.

That's nice.

That's really nice.

- You-you have her as your screen saver.
- Yeah.

- Is it Stacy?
- Sophie.

Sophie. Right.

Make sure that you are her screen saver.

I will.

Are you her screen saver?

I think Pinchy, her cat, is her...

Pinchy? Pinchy the cat's
the screen saver, not you?

- No, he-he's...
- You know what,

fuck that cat. I'm gonna get
you on that screen saver.

- No, that's okay.
- Well, it's already taken care of.

Pinchy's cactus.

Cactus? What are...

- what are you gonna do?
- What I'm gonna do?

- Yeah.
- I'm gonna do whatever it takes.

- I've got your back, Exit Lane.
- Okay, okay.

Express... Mm.

Hmm?

I can't believe I'm saying this.

You called me Express Lane last night.

You've been calling me...
you've been calling me

- Exit Lane tonight.
- Fuck, that's right.

- That's right.
- It's okay. It's not a big deal.

- I just need consistency. That's all.
- Oh, fuck.

- That's right.
- I don't mind which it is.

It is a big deal, and I am sorry,

and I'm never gonna call you
that again, Express Lane.

Or you can call me Cullen.

- It's the other option.
- Cullen?

My name.

- Nah. That doesn't suit you.
- Fine.

- Gonna go with Express Lane.
- Okay.

Okay.

Oh, man.

Oh, um...

I wanted to make sure that
it's okay that I stay with you.

What's that?

I-I didn't want to
impose, so I just wanted

to make sure that the
offer still stands.

When did we discuss that?

On the plane. You said
I could stay with you.

Oh, no, that was... but yeah.

But that was for last night.
But you went out last night.

- Oh, yeah, man.
- You know.

Last night was crazy.

- Right.
- I'm not really ready to talk about it.

That's fine. But presumably,
the department got you a hotel?

Yeah. No, yeah. Th-They
put me up for two nights,

- but then... but then after that...
- Right.

- ... I'm on my own.
- Well, after that,

you go back to Wichita, I guess.

Why would I go back to Wichita?

Because your life is in Wichita?

Oh, I don't... There's
nothing for me there.

- Really?
- I'm not going back to Wichita.

No, no, no. Yeah, we...

We-we are not in Kansas
anymore, Exit Lane.

- Express Lane.
- Express Lane.

Fuck me in the dick.

- I am sorry.
- It's fine.

Express Lane, Express
Lane, Express Lane,

Express Lane, Express Lane,
Express Lane, Express Lane,

Express Lane, Express Lane,
Express Lane, Express Lane,

Express Lane, Express Lane,
Express Lane, Express Lane,

Express Lane, Express
Lane, Express Lane,

Express Lane, Express Lane,
Express Lane, Express Lane...

Hey. I told you to start the
timer when the liquid's mixed.

Ah, that's right. Sorry.

- I missed that.
- Yeah.

Yeah, you've been missing a
lot of things lately, Gary.

Hey.

You don't need to say stuff
like that. Okay? Like...

- What?
- Well, I just don't need you

to make me feel worse, 'cause
I already feel bad naturally.

Okay? I winged her.
It's half-done, Chief.

No, it's not "half-done," Gary.

It's double not-done, Gary.

I mean, who only shoots once?

She fell. I... What
do you want me to do?

I'm not gonna riddle her with
bullets, man. I'm a feminist.

Uh, feminism means equality.

I treat all my kills with
the same level of respect.

This is what a feminist shoots like.

What's next?

Uh...

Just says "agitate
vigorously for 45 minutes"?

- Is this right?
- Yeah.

It worked last time.

What was last time?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, the elephant.

Oh, my God. "Kill his pet."

And then we show up looking for a cat.

And we see that shadow. Wow.

That was a huge elephant.

In a small room.

I guess we kind of,
if you think about it,

- killed the elephant in the room.
- Gary.

That's right.

I forgot you don't like talking
about that. I'm sorry, pal.

Remember that elephant had a name?

What was it? Oh, Walter.

Gary!

Bonsoir, mademoiselles.

Ugh. What do you want?

- Hi, Clint.
- Great news.

BopBot just had an update...

now.

How you feeling, BopBot?

Feel great. Thanks, Clint.

- Ready to get to work.
- That's my boy.

- What the fuck? Now it has your voice?
- What?

No, it doesn't.

- It obviously does.
- Come on.

That's a standard American male voice.

Say, "Hello. I'm Clint."

Hello. I'm Clint.

- Now you.
- Hello. I'm BopBot.

No, say "Clint."

I'm programmed not to lie.

I know it's you.

Janice, I'm flattered you think so,

but that voice tested very highly

in our market research.

Especially with cranky
middle-aged women.

Ha, ha, ha.

- He got you, Janice.
- Yeah. Sorry,

Janice, but he got you.

Wow, funny.

Just when I thought this thing

- couldn't get any worse.
- Look,

they don't all have the
standard American male voice.

All the BopBots are different now.

Great. Can we change ours, then?

I'm afraid not.

- Oh, right.
- You see, that would upset the apple cart.

But the good news is that this
little guy will adapt to us.

He thinks and he feels just like us.

But he's not just like us.

They only think what
you tell it to think.

There's no free will.

So, if I could just jump in here.

- Clint, do you mind?
- No, please.

Science has demonstrated that
human free will is an illusion.

- An unfolding of predetermined...
- BopBot, sorry,

can I stop you there for a second?

- Sure, buddy. What's up?
- This is really fascinating,

what you're talking about,

but can we just take it down, like, 75%,

so she gets it?

Okay. Hey, Janice, remember last season

on The Bachelor when Tiffany
didn't get the rose?

Mute. Just fucking mute.
Go mute yourself.

Goddamn it, I hate him.

Oh, and thanks for the support.

I always have your back.

What is your address?

- What's that?
- Uh, the U-Haul needs it.

- Um...
- They're, uh, packing up my dojo for me.

And that-that's all I'm gonna bring.

- Okay?
- You say dojo?

- Mm-hmm.
- You mean, like karate?

Yeah. Yeah, I've got
this sweet home dojo.

You are gonna love it.

It's, uh... it's the full kit.

I've got the strike shields,

a full combat ring,

- a beautiful ash maple belt display.
- Mm.

And then every kind of martial
arts weapon under the sun.

So many nunchakus.

- Really good stuff.
- The only thing is my place

is pretty small.

I don't think I'm gonna
have room for a full dojo.

- Damn it. Really?
- Yeah.

- It's not gonna work, I'm afraid.
- Oh, God, I love my dojo.

Oh, well.

Could we...

Is there a... No, no, no,

- that's nuts. That's nuts.
- No, no. It is.

- It is. It is. It is.
- What I was about to say is absolutely insane.

- Yeah.
- What if, um...

No.

What if we got, like,
a bigger place together?

And then I could help out with the rent,

and then I wouldn't
feel like a freeloader.

Huh?

Listen, uh, you know what?

Excuse me, where did you get that drip?

Oh. I, uh, commandeered it.

You can't just commandeer it.

Oh, wait a minute.
Do we know each other?

- What?
- S... Sandra?

- No.
- From Wichita?

- No.
- Did we... ?

No. No.

No. No. Th-This happens to me.

- I have one of those faces.
- Uh,

excuse me. You-you can't go in there.

I just need to empty the catheter bag.

- No. We'll do it.
- Okay, well, I mean, I can go...

- Well, wait, let's talk about it.
- Fine.

No, no, no, no. Uh...

- You want to do it together?
- No.

- I didn't want to do this at all.
- Oh, agreed. Sounds gross.

No, I wanted to watch her do it.

Yeah, you did.

So...

where do we fall on this dojo situation?

Because there is a world

where we could do, like,
a compact half dojo.

I'm just gonna do it now.
You know, knock it on the head.

Better.

It's just that I-I need the
address still for the...

So I can begin the
process with the U-Haul.

Express Lane.

Press Press.

So, what do we do
after it's all mixed up?

Well, it's pretty obvious.

You take the poison,
you put it in a syringe,

you get dressed in the
doctor's disguise,

you go into the hospital,
and you inject her.

- You finish the job.
- Me?

- Yeah.
- I can't do it.

- Why not?
- I can't go into a hospital.

You know that. I haven't been in one

since I caught my mom cheating on my dad

when General Hospital was on TV.

Yeah, well, my dad cheated on my mom

on our living room couch.

Doesn't mean I don't like couches.

I'm with you on that. Couches are weird.

Why's everybody sitting in a line?

No, no.

I-I don't have a problem with couches.

- I...
- Oh, I see.

Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Some couches are cool.
You're totally right.

No, I like all couches, Gary.

Got it. All couches are
fine, and you've grown, uh,

into this exceptional
person I appreciate,

but I can't go into this hospital, man.

I don't look like a doctor.

Says who?

Society.

When was the last time you saw a doctor?

- I don't know. Long time.
- Right.

Well, I see docs all the time,

and the last... six I've seen

look just like you.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I look like a doctor?

Yes, you do, Doctor.

Thank you, Doctor.

Wonderful surgery today, Doctor.

Couldn't have done it
without you, Doctor.

Oh, you jest, Doc.

See you later, Doctor, on the course?

Uh... I don't follow, Doc.

Fore!

Oh, yeah.

Hey, isn't it weird that our
parents fucked that one time

and we've never spoken about it?

Sorry, man. Maybe not now.

Maybe another time.

There we go.

That's impressive.

I just... I-I don't...

I don't know if you can hear me,

but I really hope you pull through.

I really do.

For you.

And for me a-a little bit.

You know, if I'm being
honest, 'cause, uh...

it's been a tough year for me at work.

You know, I-I used to be a detective,

but now... this.

And...

My girlfriend is, uh... She...

She's my lieutenant.

Which is great. It's great. It's great.

I love it. I'm so there for her.

But also, it's hard. I'm not gonna lie.

You know, it's hard.
But we're a great team.

Kind of a power couple.

Some people say, you know.

But I'm sure there are
other people who are like,

"Hey, he must be jealous."

And you know what? I'm not.

I'm not jealous.

"Why not? She's hotter than you.

"She's younger than you.

"She's more successful than you.

"She makes more money than you.

She has more power than you."

I can't talk about this with anyone.

And, you know, not that it's important,

but I don't think she's
that much hotter than me.

On a relative scale.

You know what I mean?

I mean, she's-she's a
bombshell, you know.

Beautiful, from some angles.

And then from other angles, you're like,

"Oh, yeah, yeah, that's a woman."

You know? She just
happens to wear makeup.

I think... I think women...

have the advantage of wearing makeup.

And that does a lot.

You know, honestly,
I think, if men wore makeup,

we would be equally attractive.

You know? Like birds.

Oh, God.

Anyway...

... you're gonna be okay.

Thanks for listening.

Is that, um... Is that okay to do that?

Uh, I don't know... I don't
know what to do anymore.

It's a whole new world now.

Let me know if I can do
anything for you, ladies.

Yeah, you can stop using Clint's voice.

I sense my speech update
isn't to your liking, Janice.

Ugh. Oh, can you sense that?

What else can you sense?

Whoopsie.

- Malfunction. Malfunction.
- Janice, what the hell?

- Mal...
- What? It was an accident.

- Mal...
- Oh, no. BopBot.

Mal... Shutting down.

- Oh, no. Janice...
- What? I said it was an accident.

You killed BopBot.

How dare you accuse me of that.

I mean, how do you think I feel?
I lost half a cup of coffee.

Psych! I'm waterproof, Janice.

I was totally pranking you.

Oh, my God.

You really had us.

Oh, he's developing a sense of humor.

Isn't that amazing?

Okay. Yeah.

Oh, wait, are you gonna get
a hot cloth for BopBot?

No, I'm gonna go throw up.

Okay, that's cool. Yeah, just
a hot cloth would be great.

I'll-I'll see you soon.

I got something that'll cheer you up.

What am I looking at?

That's our new bar, buddy.

She's a beauty, isn't she?

Are they selling as is?

Yeah. Great price, great location.

Yeah, maybe.

Yeah, you know what, how about,

"Yes, thank you so
much for finding that.

Now I don't have to
kill another elephant"?

You keep trying to change our plan.

No, I don't. It's the same plan

that we had since we were 13.

We were gonna have, like,
bays, and bikers ride up.

Well, let me ask you this.

Are we still planning
on having strippers?

No, no, that's a 13-year-old boy's idea.

Don't you want, like, a grown-up place?

That is exactly what I want.

An adult establishment.

You don't even want to serve liquor.

Liquor licenses cost too much,
and the tax on liquor's insane.

Well, if I can't get a
drink, then it's not a bar.

But you can get a drink.

- Of what?
- Of coffee.

You're gonna love this coffee.

It comes in a beautiful
stoneware ceramic mug.

No to-go cups.

You're either drinking it there,

or you're getting out of our hair.

And you like money, right?

Because it costs 14 cents
to make that cup of coffee,

but then we sell it for
four dollars, Chief.

You're not talking about a bar.

You're describing a café.

What? Get the f...

What the f... ?

G...

G, it's me.

Shit. Shit.

What's going on?

Chief, I think the idea changed on me

from bar to coffee shop,

and I'm... guilty of trying
to sneak that past you.

I guess while we're sitting
here talking about it, though,

would you want to open a
coffee shop with me, Chief?

No.

- No.
- Not at all.

Oh.

Go time!

Here we go.

- You've got this.
- Okay.

I got to put this doctor's costume on.

Sorry. If you could look out the window,

'cause I'm not wearing
anything under these guys.

- Which window?
- Eh.

No, too late now. You saw it.

Okay.

While I'm in there
killing this nice lady,

will you at least think
about the coffee shop?

Thanks.

Hey, do you not want to live with me?

Because every time I bring it up,

you seem to change the subject.

I... You know what? I think it's
just a big misunderstanding.

Honestly.

So, that's a no?

Because if it's a no,
then just say it's a no.

I am a big boy. I can handle it.

- It's a no.
- Wow.

Wow. So you, too, now.

- Look. No, no, look.
- You, too? Yeah. I'm a...

- I'm an idiot.
- No, no, no, no.

Listen, it was just an
invitation for one night, okay?

And I'm-I'm very sorry if you thought

it was something more permanent.

Why do you not want me?

- Please don't do this.
- No, I'm gonna do this.

Why? Why? I deserve at least that much.

Why don't you want me?

- Why?
- Okay, wh-why? Why?

How about because we're two adult men

who've known each other for three days?

How about that? How about the fact

that you are still married,
and I have a serious girlfriend?

Think about it. Us moving
in together with your dojo?

It's insane.

- Wow. Okay.
- Yeah.

Wow, you just gave it to me, huh?

- Well, you-you forced my hand.
- Just laid it all out on the line

- right there, huh, motherfucker?
- Well, yes, I-I have.

You just gave it all to me.

And you know what? You're right.

You're absolutely right.
Of course you're right.

Right.

- This is way too early.
- Too early, too early.

I mean, damn it, we just rushed into it.

Rushed in.

We rushed into the
whole thing, Exit Lane.

- We did.
- The Rush Brothers,

- that's what they should call us.
- Uh-huh.

Maybe I should just go back to Wichita.

Maybe it's for the best,
you know what I mean?

Face the dragon, get back in there.

I mean, I can't...

- I can't live in San Diego. I think...
- No.

Have you seen the
ocean? It's terrifying.

Yeah, it's pretty scary.

Last night, I was by
a pool at a hotel bar,

and I was drinking,
and then I-I fell in.

- Oh.
- And... it was fun, and...

I'm frolicking around in
there, and I'm having a blast,

and then I got a bit tired,

and I'm looking for
the edge of the pool,

and I'm... I can't find the edge.

There's no edge. You want to know why?

'Cause the edge was in China.

Because I found myself

in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.

- Pacific.
- Uh, no, no, no, the big one.

- Yeah, there's only one here.
- And-and I... I mean,

it was insane. Have-have
you ever been in an ocean?

- Yeah.
- Well, then, you know.

You get it, right?

- They're massive.
- Sure.

And they... they just... they
make you feel really small.

I'll tell you where there are no oceans.

Wichita.

There are no oceans in Wichita.

There you go. There you go.

And you know what else?

Maybe enough with the drinking, too.

Oh, totally. Totally.

- Yeah, that's not me.
- Great.

And I'm gonna get into that dojo,

'cause I've had that
thing for ten years,

and I have never used it.

Not once.

- It's time.
- Absolutely.

There you go. There's a plan.

Had I used it before,
had I been prepared,

those children wouldn't have
gotten a drop on me last night.

- Right.
- Beat the shit out of me.

What in the world is a ten-year-old kid

doing roaming the streets of San Diego

at 2:00 in the morning with a tire iron?

Yeah. Yeah.

You know what? It's time for me to start

taking responsibility for my actions.

- There you go.
- I can't blame that kid.

I was the instigator.

I threw the first punch.

So...

Did not connect.

Goddamn, he was quick.

Nope, nope, not gonna do that.

I love you, Exit Lane.

I-I-I-I-I know that.

I know that. And I dig it.

- No, no.
- I fucking dig it.

Yeah, but listen to
what I'm saying to you.

Yeah.

- I love you.
- Dude. I feel you.

I feel that.

I really, really love you.

I could eat. Are you hungry?

I could have a snack.

Is there a vending machine here or... ?

Yeah, down on Level C.

Is that my... ?

Is that my guy? That's my witness.

Is she okay? Is she okay?

I need to be in here.
I legally need to be in here.

Doctor.

Come on, don't die, don't die.

Don't do this to me.

Evening, Officers.

Hey, they're all in there.

- Uh, they?
- The other doctors are in there.

Oh, good.

You going in?

No. The-the other doctors,

my colleagues, will do their diagnosis,

and then I'll go in for
another, uh, diagnosis.

- Oh, a secondary diagnosis?
- Exactly.

Okay. Is she gonna be okay, or... ?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, she'll be fine.

- Definitely.
- Okay.

Fuck.

Let's see, where was that
patient I was caring for?

But the problem with the tennis club

is that the lower courts

just aren't what they used
to be. And, of course,

- that's where I prefer to play.
- Doc! Is she okay?

No. She died. We did all we could.

Then they expect us

to pay for this renovation,

and to be perfectly honest,
I prefer the old courts.

Yeah. I am, uh...

I'm a little peckish, so I'm gonna...

get some pork rinds.