No Activity (2017–…): Season 3, Episode 2 - Flight JA761 - full transcript

Ladies and gentlemen,

the captain has turned on
the "fasten seat belt" sign.

If you haven't already done so,

please stow your carry-on luggage

underneath the seat in front of
you or in an overhead bin...

- Are you okay on that side?
- Yeah.

- I can, I can switch.
- Oh, no, no, no.

- No, I'm all good. Thank you.
- Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. I, uh...

- Oh, sorry... you go.
- I... actually...

- No, no.
- After you.



- I was just gonna say...
- I was saying...

- It's all you.
- All right.

Uh, I was just gonna say,

at least we don't have
the middle seat, right?

Right.

But she's doing okay.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah. She's out.

Yeah. Yeah. She-she took
a sleeping pill earlier.

- Oh. Okay. All right.
- Yeah.

No, I was just gonna say before,

I'm fine wherever, you know,
'cause this is my first time.

On a plane?

No, no, no, on an extradition.

- Oh. Got you. Of course.
- Yeah.



- Yeah.
- Of course. Not your first time on a plane.

Yeah, right.

- How did you get to Wichita?
- Exactly.

- Didn't drive from San Diego.
- No, that's right.

But I, uh, you know, I-I...
I know the Las Hormigas Cartel

- that she's giving evidence against.
- Yeah.

- Oh.
- I worked the case last year, so...

I see. So you're a detective.

Yeah. Well, no, I was,
and now I'm patrol,

- but it's a sideways move, really.
- Mm-hmm.

But I know the case,
so my lieutenant said,

"Hey, take the detail. You
know, go to Wichita."

- That's a nice lieutenant.
- Well, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's actually very nice.

Uh, I say my lieutenant,

but she's actually my girlfriend, too.

Really? So your girlfriend outranks you?

- Yeah. This is, uh, uh, Sophie.
- Oh. Good for her.

- Wow.
- There she is.

She's a cop?

- Yeah.
- Like a movie star.

I know. I've done well for myself.

- Well, since you're bragging...
- Yeah.

- That's Theresa.
- Oh. Beautiful.

- Eight years married next month.
- Wow.

- Oh, dude. Congratulations.
- Yeah.

- Congratulations.
- She's my rock.

- Yeah.
- She's my everything, honestly.

- Really?
- When we met, I stopped partying,

- got my shit together.
- Oh.

The love of a good woman, right?

Yeah, it's... you know, it's a cliché,

- but it's true.
- For a reason, yeah. Exactly.

Exactly.

Tell me, did you go to
Wichita Gardens today?

- No, no, I didn't get to see the sights.
- Oh.

- Oh, damn it.
- Fantastic. I got to tell you,

- the butterfly house inside there is...
- Oh.

... is my favorite place
in the whole world.

- Great.
- It's-it's where I proposed to her.

- Oh, really?
- I'm on one knee...

- Right.
- I'm digging through my pocket

- for the ring.
- Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

I look up;

there's this huge blue
and red butterfly.

- Oh.
- And it lands on her nose.

- No way.
- Now look, what do you see there?

- She's got blue eyes, red hair.
- Red hair.

- Amazing.
- So, yeah. So I just thought,

okay, well, if this isn't a sign,

I don't know what is.

Oh, that's great.

I got to tell you, I'm
excited for San Diego.

- Oh, it's great. You've never been?
- I've never been.

- You're gonna love it.
- And I hear that the zoo is world-class.

- Premier.
- Oh.

Oh, that's my phone.

Excuse me.

Uh, hello. We were just
talking about you, my queen.

Um, we're on the flight right now,

and we have to just... hmm?

What?

What?

I'm sorry, you're t...

I think we need to talk
about this, honey.

What? Why?

Wha... ?

- No, no.
- Uh, sir?

- I'm gonna need you to end that call.
- Mm-hmm.

Thank you.

So this is really happening, huh?

All right. Hello?

H-Hello?

- Everything okay, man?
- Yeah, man. Yeah.

Oh, miss.

Miss, uh... You want a whiskey?

Let's have a couple of whiskeys.

- Oh, maybe not.
- Can I get two whiskeys, neat?

Doubles? Doubles, please?

I'm afraid service doesn't
start until we're in the air.

Um, we're gonna need you to
cooperate with us at this time.

- Thank you so much.
- Mm-hmm.

All right, $54?

Oh, no, that's okay.
We're-we're American police.

Yeah. $54.

That's okay. Uh, sure, t-there you go.

- And please keep that open?
- Please close it.

Close it? Oh, okay.

- If you're gonna close it, then I'll...
- Oh, no, sir.

That's great. Thank you so much.

- Do you w... do you want yours?
- Not really.

Okay. Just gonna keep that.

Flight attendants,
please prepare for takeoff.

Oh, shit.

You forget how gross alcohol tastes

after nine years.

He's really making us wait.
It's a power move.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I have a very exciting
announcement today.

Just one second.

As of today...

Why'd you take off the beret?

I was going for something,
but it didn't feel right.

Anyway, as of today,

dispatch will be partially automated.

Effective immediately, each desk

will receive a 6SGV-5K unit

or, as I like to call them...

... BopBots.

They will assist you. Receiving calls,

making calls and other duties.

This sentient technology
learns as it goes, guys.

The more you interact with it,

- the more it takes on your...
- This is cool.

- ... individual style.
- This is fucking bullshit.

And by the way, these BopBots,

they are there for you.

On those days when the calls in here

are coming thick and fast,

just a really heavy flow day,

wouldn't it be nice to have a
support to soak up that flow?

Think of these BopBots
as being absorbent...

rather than repellent.

Any questions?

If you're throwing the
beret away, can I have it?

It's not a lady's beret, okay?

It's not. Oh!

I-I should mention that
I'm a flat-earther.

Don't worry, I'm not gonna
bring that into the workplace.

Just because none of you
actually thought it through

for yourselves will not affect
my personal opinion of you

or my professional opinion.

But I do ask

that all globes be
removed from the office.

And I see one right over there.

Get it out of here.

Thank you.

Mmm.

Hey, hey, you know, Brock,

if you need to talk
about anything at all,

you don't have to keep drinking.
I can be a great listener.

Hey, can I tell you, I'm really enjoying

the vibe we've got going on here.

- Me, too.
- Because these details

don't always turn out like this.

- No.
- But the chemistry here...

- Yeah.
- The chemistry...

Excuse me.

- The chemistry we've got going...
- Mm-hmm.

... is crazy good.

- Crazy good.
- Yeah.

And, um,

- I need that right now.
- Right.

So I just want to let
you know that, uh...

I will never let you go,

and I hope you're cool
with that, Express Lane.

You call me Express Lane?

Yeah, it's your new nickname.

- Is it?
- Yeah. What, you don't remember?

- No.
- We were at the airport today,

and you took the... You tried
to take the express lane.

The lady's like, "Sir,
unless you have a VIP pass,

- you have to go in the other lane."
- Yeah.

And then she nailed you, Express Lane.

Oh, 'cause we were in the express lane.

- 'Cause you're Express Lane.
- So I'm Express Lane.

- You-you don't like it?
- No, I like it. It's clever.

- It is. It is. No, I know. I know.
- Clever. It's very good.

Nailing nicknames is my thing.

- Oh, okay.
- So, check it out.

Big Head. Rocket.

Uh, uh, uh...

- Ooh, Green Coat.
- Yeah.

Uh, this... Rocket. Uh...

- It's good. It's funny. I get it.
- No, this right here.

- I want you to look, look.
- Hey.

- No, look at this guy. Three rows back.
- Okay.

- Boom. Fucked-Up Face.
- Right.

That's his name.

- It's a little loud. Little bit loud.
- Right? It's a little loud?

- Yeah, yeah.
- Nobody can hear it.

- Okay.
- And then check this. Hey, Reading Light,

what's going on?

See what I'm look...
see who I'm talking to?

And this guy right
behind you right here?

- Okay, yeah. Yes.
- Rocket.

Lot of Rockets.

All right.

Oh, man, it's good to be
off the frickin' Earth.

- Yeah.
- Just in the sky, no troubs.

Totally. Exactly... no troubs.

Look at this.

This is my shit.

No, leave it, leave it, leave it.

Just do it. Do the other arm.

No, no, no. I...

- Do the other one.
- Just...

Just do it.

- Okay.
- One like this.

- Yeah.
- Look. "Brains."

That's not cool.

- That was hilarious.
- No, come on.

- You know that was hilarious.
- Okay.

- It was, it was... Yes.
- Oh, I forgot a nickname.

- Asleep Face.
- Ha, ha, ha.

- Very good.
- Asleep Face...

Almost Awake Face.

- Almost Awake Face, that's a good one.
- Right.

- Maybe I have a gift.
- You see what I'm talking about,

- with the vibe?
- It's a great vibe.

- It's really happening.
- I'm just gonna go to the bathroom.

- Will you be okay here?
- Wait, wait.

- You're going to the bathroom?
- Yes.

Ones or twos?

- Doesn't matter.
- Or threes? You doing threes?

- I did... doesn't matter.
- I got a feeling you're going three...

- uh, you're doing threes and I know it.
- I'm not doing threes.

- It's not...
- You're defin... you're gonna join

the lonely pony club.

- Don't know what that is.
- You're joining the lonely pony club.

I'm not... Okay.

Express Lane, doing some threes.

I see you, dude.

Don't even pretend.

Hey, Teenage Boy.

How you doing?

It's so good to be off
the Earth, isn't it?

Right, Hot Mom?

Excuse me. Pardon me.

I'm a mess over here.

She is not my wife.

You know what I mean?

Theresa's my wife.

Good times, good times.

When's this person getting here, man?

I'm so ready to just
kill them and be done.

This is the last one, though.

Promise.

Oh! Hey.

Okay, I was watching TV last
night while you were sleeping.

Bononza came on. Who was guest-starring?

- Leonard Nimoy.
- Hmm.

Spock was on Bononza.

- No, he wasn't.
- Ha, ha!

And you... What?

He was never on a show called "Bononza"

'cause there's not a
show called "Bononza."

It's Bonanza.

That's what I said.

- Say it again.
- Bononza.

- They definitely didn't say that.
- Fucking made-up word anyway.

I can say it however I want.

No, it is not a made-up word.

It is, in fact, a
preexisting word, Chief.

Bonanza.

Oh, yeah?

What does it mean?

It means "good," or some shit.

"Good or some shit."
Wow, what a real wordsmith.

I can't, I can't take "bononza" on top

of the already "good times,
good times" shit you have.

- The Tourette's.
- What?

You say "good times,
good times" constantly,

even if we're having
bad times, bad times.

Or in sad times, sad times.

It doesn't matter because you will say

"good times, good times"

- and try to get us out of it.
- I don't say it that often.

"Good times, good times, man."

It's, like, your-your
fucking catchphrase.

- Idiot.
- Oh, yeah? Well,

you know what your catchphrase is?

Yeah? Your catchphrase is
"I love cocaine up my ass."

Don't say that shit anymore.

- What?
- I don't love cocaine up my ass!

- Why'd you tell me that?
- I just... It was for work,

I had to put it up there.

All I said is that it wasn't as
bad as I thought it would be.

You said you love it.

- Did you or did you not love...
- No...

... coke up your ass?

- I never said I loved it.
- Come on.

It just went up easier than I thought.

Yeah. Got any now?

... for the behavior back there,
I reached into your cart,

- and that is not appropriate.
- Brock.

- That's all right.
- Like, I got to tell you,

- if you got to know me. Okay.
- You don't need to...

- Just been a bit of a...
- Brock!

- Uh, sure. Okay.
- Oh, excuse me. I'm sorry.

Yeah, man. Hey. Um...

Where is she?

Wha... um, oh, uh... Oh.

- Uh...
- Is she in the bathroom?

- She... I...
- Where's the prisoner

you were handcuffed to?

- Shit, I don't know.
- Brock.

- I don't know where the fuck she is.
- Brock, what the fuck?

- I know, man. Quit yelling at me.
- I'm not yelling at you.

- You're raising your voice.
- No, I'm,

I'm just upset because I was
gone for, like, three minutes.

I know, and-and you should be
upset, 'cause I'm a fucking idiot!

No, no, no. It's not about
that. It's not a... you're...

- I'm a motherfucking idiot.
- Let's not go there.

- Gentlemen?
- Yeah?

The seat belt sign has been turned on.

- Please sit down.
- I am so sorry, Florence.

- We are looking for...
- Quickly, sit down, now.

We... Goddamn it.

Okay. Fuck, I'm such a fucking idiot.

- Brock, Brock, Brock.
- I can't get my business right!

- I can't get my...
- No, shut you... shut up.

Focus, focus, focus, okay?

How long was your back turned?

I don't know, man. I...

- Okay, listen, listen.
- Mm-hmm?

You check the bathrooms at the front...

- Yeah.
- ... I'll check the ones at the back.

We meet at the bulkhead, okay?

- We got this.
- I got you, Express Lane.

Sit down.

- We need...
- Now.

- We are cops.
- I don't care.

- We'll just wait for the...
- Yeah.

By the way, I was not crying.

This is allergies. I was not crying.

It doesn't matter.

Great. All right, so the
plane's gonna go down.

Fine with me.

Fine with me. Back to Earth.

For one last fucking hurrah.

This thing's put together
like a goddamn tin can.

- We are dying tonight!
- Shh... hey.

Broken. I think it's
broken. It's broken.

No, it's not on.

Please give me a few minutes

while I update my system.

Oh, wow.

Hey, there, little lady.

It's not a dog, Fatima.

And don't ever talk to a dog like that.

It actually looks really cool.

Looks like Darth Vader
fucked a Freemason

and neither one of them enjoyed it.

- Come on, Janice.
- No, you come on yourself.

That thing is listening to us

all the time, whether we like it or not.

No offense, but I think
your generation's distrust

of technology is not the best barometer.

In 50 years, they're gonna
look back at our love affair

with these cancer boxes,
then they're gonna turn

to each other with their,
with their harelips

and their weepy cauliflower
foreheads and be like,

"Bah, maybe that's why
we don't fuck anymore."

Janice, I think you're overreacting.

Oh, do you? Well, don't
blame me in five years

when you come home from a long day

of bleaching robots' assholes
to find your husband

getting jerked off by a coffee machine.

That's not what's gonna happen.

Chief needs more nuts.

Got any nuts?

Hey, man, when are you gonna
stop calling yourself Chief?

What? Why would I do that?

Uh, well, 'cause it's 2019, and,
uh, people aren't cool with it.

Yeah, well, they better be,
man, 'cause that is my name.

The Chief.

Yeah, obviously,

we both know it's not your name.

Obviously, it's my nickname, dickhead.

Ha! I am named after "mischief."

It's 'Chief with an apostrophe.

And you know that, man. My mom's been

calling me that 'cause I was
always in trouble as a kid.

Mischief.

Firstly, if that was true,
it would be chief, not chief.

And secondly, you know and I know

that it's from "handkerchief,"

because you got busted at Aldo
Borketini's confirmation party

jerking off into a handkerchief.

We all know it. We remember.

No. No, no, no. I was not
jerking off at Aldo's.

It was pollen season, and
I sneezed multiple times.

- With your dick.
- Why would I jizz

- at his confirmation?
- Hey.

I don't know your milking habits.

- Do whatever you want.
- Oh, man.

I believe that you believe that

because you have told yourself
that lie your whole life.

- But in your heart of hearts, Chief...
- Good times, good times.

... you know that it's
handkerchief and not mischief.

And you know that it's jizz, not snot.

Yeah, you're really poking the
bear tonight, aren't you, Gary?

- Uh-oh.
- Ah. Well, you better be careful,

'cause, uh, bear might poke back.

- Yeah?
- Okay. I'm scared.

- Scary times, scary times.
- Yeah.

The bear's gonna jizz on me.

Don't... ow, hey. Fuck, man.

Hi-yah!

- Excuse me. Sir.
- Anything?

- No. You?
- No, nothing.

- Excuse me, you can't be...
- Oh.

Okay, lady, shut up.

- Excuse me?
- Okay. I am sorry.

- Cannot believe I just said that.
- Police emergency.

- I apologize.
- We just need to, uh, uh,

take the, uh, intercom.

- Okay. Fine.
- Sir.

- You want... you want me to do it?
- No, no, I'll do it.

Are you sure? 'Cause
what are you gonna say?

- I will know it when I say it.
- You need to plan

- what you're going to say right now...
- It's fine.

... because, otherwise, you're
gonna be pressing the button

and interrupting everybody's movie,

- and then...
- It's fine. Fucking up my flow.

- Okay, ladies...
- I got it. Okay.

Ladies and gentlemen,
thank you for flying the f...

skies with us.

We are at a cruising altitude of, uh...

- What are we cruising at?
- Fuck. Ladies and gentlemen,

uh, there is... Uh, we are with

- the San Diego Police Department.
- Mm.

- We, uh, don't...
- And Wichita!

- And Wichita!
- And... Yes. Thank you.

Uh, uh, we don't mean to alarm you,

- uh, but we do have...
- Go, Wildcats!

Fucking...

- Shh.
- We, uh...

we don't mean to alarm you.

Uh, we-we don't mean to alarm you,

but, uh, there is a-a
felon on the plane.

So, guys, guys,

just keep it cool. It's no big deal.

She can't have gone far.

She's a female, mid-30s,

bluest eyes you've ever seen,

- red hair as beautiful as a summer sunset...
- No. No, no, no.

- ... and she'll break your fucking heart, okay?
- Brock, that's your wife.

- That's your wife.
- Well, if that's my wife

and she's on this plane, then I can
tell you one thing right now...

- I will fly it into a mountain myself.
- No,

please, stop. You're
scaring the passengers.

They should be scared. There's
a killer loose among them.

- No, no.
- Give me the thing. Okay, give me this.

- Ladies and gentlemen, um...
- We also...

I am going to have to deputize

every person on this plane right now,

so that includes you, Deputy
Rocket, Deputy Reading Light,

Deputy Fucked-Up Face.

- All of you grab a weapon, okay?
- Don't grab a weapon.

- Please just...
- What are you doing,

Expensive Wireless, um,
Noise-Canceling Headphones?

- It's okay.
- What are you doing, Expensive

Wireless Noise-Canceling Headphones?

I am a police officer,

- and I will put you down, okay?
- It's okay.

- Do you... you want to dance...
- There's no problem.

- ... Expensive Wireless...
- There's no problem.

... Noise-Cancelling Headphones?

- I have a feeling about who's gonna win.
- Hey.

- What the fuck?! Where were you?!
- Brock.

Sorry. I had to go.

- Uh, we found her, everybody.
- We found her!

- It's not a problem.
- That's it.

- That's it. That's it.
- We have reapprehended the felon,

- ladies and gentlemen!
- Control yourself.

We have reapprehended the felon!

Thank you. Enjoy yourselves.
What... the fuck?

- Sorry. I had to go.
- For 20 minutes?

Well, you try it with this on.

You said you checked the bathrooms.

- I didn't check first class.
- Why the fuck?

I don't know. I fucked up.

- I'm a fucking idiot.
- Yeah, you fucked up.

- I'm a fucking idiot. I'm sorry.
- Yeah, you owe me an apology.

- You owe her an apology. And her.
- I apologize to you.

I apologize for screaming at you.

I don't know why I'm sorry to you.

I'm sorry, okay? I apologize.

I'm just gonna be straight
with you right now.

- Okay.
- The phone call from earlier

- was not my Internet provider.
- It's okay. I know.

- I know. You don't have to do this.
- It was my wife.

No... I... We know.

I have to do this.

- My wife has left me, okay?
- I know.

- Oh, my God.
- I'm sorry.

- For absolutely no reason whatsoever.
- Oh.

- I am a fucking shambles, all right?
- No, you're not.

She was my world,

- and now my world has fallen apart.
- We're okay.

- You understand what I'm talking about?
- So sad.

- We're okay.
- I got to tell you,

- Express Lane, I can't do it.
- Yes, you can.

- Yes, you can. Hey.
- No, I cannot. I cannot.

We've got her here. We're doing our job.

- I cannot be by myself in San Diego.
- Aw.

You know what, you're not gonna be.

'Cause you're gonna
stay with me tonight,

- and we're gonna go to the zoo.
- See?

This is a new chapter for you.
I feel good about this.

She wanted me to go to
therapy. I went to therapy.

- I never missed a session.
- Good.

- There you go.
- Not one. And the guys in the precinct,

- they made fun of me and I kept going...
- Of course.

- ... and I made the effort.
- You showed up.

It's not my fault that
she chose a therapist

- with a super hot receptionist.
- No.

I mean, what? That wasn't on me.

I would have never met Cassandra

if Theresa had not
picked-picked Dr. Daniel.

Okay, let's-let's go.

Copy that, Car 34. I'm on it.

I really want a coffee,

but I don't want to miss BopBot

coming online.

Ooh! I don't want to miss it.

But I really want coffee.

Just go already.

Okay.

Okay, but can you film it if it starts?

100%.

So that's a no?

100%.

Wait for me.

Jesus. Great.

Replace human workforce.

What the fuck?

6SGV-5K initialized

and ready for duty.

What? Anybody hear that?

Confirming witness has
landed in San Diego.

En route to safe house now.

Let's get a unit out front.

Car 21, roger.

All good. Bring her in.

Wow, that was a little hairy,
but, uh, job well done.

- Yeah.
- Ooh!

Do you want to get a drink or something?

Fuck no.