No Activity (2017–…): Season 3, Episode 1 - Tooth and Nail - full transcript
Cullen and Tolbeck are back on the beat as uniformed police officers and find themselves tracking a potential prostitution.
TOLBECK: Highest bid.
Three seconds left.
Three, two, one.
Yes!
- I won.
- Great, great.
- I'm cleaning up tonight.
- Okay, great.
Looks like blondie's got a customer.
- TOLBECK: Hmm.
- CULLEN: Okay, money exchanged.
Here we go. Let's take them in his car.
No. No.
I guess they want to
do it out in the open.
I guess they want to be caught. Okay,
- you ready to go?
- Yeah, one second.
Tolbeck. We're rostered
together, like, once a week.
You're spending the whole
night on your phone.
Limit... Look at this. Limited edition
1987 commemorative plate,
Michael with Nancy Reagan.
[LAUGHS]
- Only 38 bucks. Look.
- No.
- I don't want to look, okay?
- [SIGHS]
I don't support this frenzied buy up
of Michael Jackson memorabilia.
There's a reason why it's so cheap.
Yeah, the market is down now,
- but it's gonna bounce back.
- I don't know about that, man.
Hey, do you remember my cousin Gavin,
- the Michael Jackson impersonator?
- Mm.
He quit doing that, and now he's selling
- carpet again.
- Right, 'cause business dried up.
No. Actually, it picked up.
But the clientele was not great.
- Oh, boy.
- They wanted him to do
- this cruise where...
- Oh, fuck me. We wasted time
on your creepy auction. Now they're deep
- into it.
- Oh, God.
Is that his leg or her leg?
Fucking animals. I'm not touching that.
We're just... Let 'em finish first.
TOLBECK: Can we just
turn a blind eye to this?
I don't want that musky sex smell
- in the car.
- No, we can't.
We're not turning a blind eye.
We're bringing him in here
'cause this is the dumb
shit we have to do now
- since the demotion.
- I don't view it as a demotion.
You know, I actually like
- being in uniform.
- Why?
Every day that I wake up
and I put this uniform on,
I feel empowered and sexy.
Oh, really? Sexy?
Yeah. When I walk into a
room, all eyes follow me.
You don't like being noticed?
No, man, I don't like being noticed.
I like being undercover.
Okay? I would like to kick a door down
and yell, "Freeze.
Special Agent Cullen."
And throw a guy off a rooftop.
That's what I would like.
- TOLBECK: That's a lot of cardio.
- Okay.
Okay, they're done. Let's go.
Come on, Tolbeck.
- I got another auction coming.
- Just, come on.
- Stop. Police.
- I-It's the Thriller alb... [GROANS]
Cullen, it's a limited edition
with bubbles on the sleeve.
Cullen.
Hold it there. Police.
- Cullen, he's run... He's running.
- Tolbeck, get him.
Tol... Yeah, chase him.
Oh, he's really fast.
- He's an athlete.
- Chase him. Tolbeck, for...
Oh, well, he's gone.
Are you serious right now?
I'm so sorry. He got away.
- Did you even try?
- No.
My feet are not good right now.
CULLEN: You have the
right to, uh, an attorney.
If you can't afford an attorney,
one will be appointed to you
by the court. Do you understand
the rights I've read to you?
Watch your head.
Oh, my God.
You guys are in so much trouble.
- Yeah, I know.
- You have no idea.
- No, we have some idea.
- No, you don't.
- Okay.
- Look, I'm-I'm related
- to a senator, okay?
- Uh-huh.
- Mm-hmm.
- Distantly related to a senator.
Did we have coffee here?
- What did we do with our coffee?
- You are gonna remember this day
- for the rest of your lives.
- You threw it out.
- Fuck me.
- Oh, God.
So, w-what now? Am I being charged
or whatever down at the station?
Yeah, you're being charged, okay,
under California penal code 247B:
engaging in prostitution.
- What?
- Yeah.
- Prostitution?
- That's right.
Okay, that's insane.
Why would I do that?
I assume because it's your job.
- My job?
- Yeah.
Do... Okay, do you not know who I am?
I'm Amy Schumer.
- You're Amy Schumer?
- Yeah.
- Who is that?
- Amy Schumer.
She's a actress, a comic.
- Right?
- Yeah, exactly. Yeah.
- I also write and I-I direct. Hi.
- Wh...
- I didn't know that.
- Yeah. Oh, yeah.
- That's amazing.
- It's time. It was time.
- I don't...
- But I'd like to make a statement.
- Okay?
- Okay.
I will be fighting this
charge tooth and nail.
You can fight it all you want,
but we know what we saw.
That's ridi... Why would
I prostitute myself?
I have so much money.
- Is she worth a lot?
- Yes. Very wealthy.
- So successful. God.
- Okay.
Look, that's a billboard
for my new special.
Oh, wow.
- You look great.
- That's you?
Yeah, that's me. What do you mean?
- Really?
- What do you mean, really?
Yes, that's me, right th... You know,
they touch it up a little, but...
Did you catch it?
- I didn't see it yet. No.
- You didn't see it? Okay.
Yeah, no, get to it whenever.
So you were having sex under
a billboard of yourself?
- Right. Okay, how crazy would that be?
- [LAUGHS]
I have to look at my own
success just to get off.
[LAUGHS] Yeah, can you imagine?
I don't have to imagine it.
We saw the whole thing.
What did you even see?
I saw you sucking off a guy
next to a dumpster. Okay?
Is he allowed to talk to me like that?
Because I-I feel unsafe.
You should not talk to her that way.
- Yeah, please don't talk to us that way.
- Wow.
But we did see her sucking
off a guy by a dumpster.
And then he sucked you off
by the dumpster, and then
he fucked you against the wall.
- We saw-we saw the whole thing.
- You can't talk to us like that.
- You cannot talk to... speak to us that way.
- We all saw you do it.
We won't have to see it and
we don't have to talk about it.
Okay, I want to make a statement here.
- Another statement?
- I want to make a statement,
on the record, that
I will be fighting this
- tooth and nail.
- Tooth and nail?
And this will come up in court
- when I'm on the stand.
- Okay.
Fantastic. It's gonna be a great day.
Dispatch, this is car 34, come in.
JANICE: Car 34, go ahead.
Uh, requesting a unit to pick
up a suspect for soliciting.
Ugh, great. I'll put it on the list.
"Ugh"? I'm requesting a car.
Yeah, ugh. It's low priority.
Just keep 'em in your car
and bring 'em in at
the end of your shift.
Janice, she doesn't smell good.
Also, it's Amy Schumer. Fun.
Wait, really?
- Hi.
- Amy Schumer's in the car.
Hey, you guys, do you think Amy Schumer
would do, like, a shout-out video
- for my cousin's charity?
- Oh...
Yeah, it's, uh, $12,000.
Oh, hi. Hi, Amy Schumer.
Um, so, yeah,
it's for a charity.
Uh, my little cousin...
Right, yeah, hey, it doesn't matter
what the disease or animal is.
It's a 12K flat rate.
Really?
Yeah, hon, look, there's a
lot of charities out there,
and if you do one for free,
you're gonna wind up
doing 'em all for free, so...
- Oh. Okay.
- Yeah.
Did you want me to go ahead
and book that for you?
Um, no thanks.
No problem. We appreciate your inquiry.
Okay, and hey, while I have you,
I'd like to make a statement
on the record
that I will be fighting
this charge tooth and nail.
End quote. Over and out.
Okay, I think we got it.
Can I just say, also,
that I don't care for you.
And I have a feeling that
your co-workers don't either.
Hmm.
So...
Oh, fuck me.
FATIMA: Is that the new supervisor?
- Huh?
- Wait, do you know him?
Huh? Yeah, no. I-I don't know.
Then why did you say, "Oh, fuck me"?
Because he looks like a dipshit.
He does?
JANICE: Yeah. And now
we work for that dipshit.
So, fuck me, right?
I guess.
♪
[GROANS]
[KNOCKING]
Who's there?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Take your boots off.
I got here an hour ago.
I've been cleaning the whole time.
Wow, guy, thanks.
It's gonna be that kind of day, huh?
AMY: I mean, it's so funny, right? Like,
just why would I risk it all?
Risk everything as just, like, a dirty,
like, sexy little street
hooker? [CHUCKLES]
It's like... I don't know,
if I were to offer to blow you guys
for, like, $30 each,
you know, right here, right now,
in the back of this car.
Like, anybody could come by and see us.
I mean, that'd be insane, right?
Yeah, that would be insane.
- Yeah, exactly.
- Exactly.
Yeah.
Like, 25 bucks a pop.
Right here, right now. Let's go.
Wait, are you asking us, or...
God, no. No.
Or even, like, 15 bucks?
I can blow you guys at the same time.
It really feels like you're
propositioning us right now,
which is, in itself, a crime.
- Mm.
- Right, yeah, as it should be.
It is.
- 'Cause it's so wrong.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Criminal.
- So criminal.
- Yeah.
Yeah. It's, like... [SCOFFS]
like, nine dollars, you know,
to fold both of your penises in my mouth
while you make intense eye
contact with each other.
A slow, unrushed...
blowj.
No.
I agree with the no answer.
- Right.
- That's not something
that we want right now. [CHUCKLES]
Or ever.
We never want that to happen.
So that's a big "no, thank
you" there, Amy Schumer.
Well, thank God.
'Cause, guess what,
I would never do that.
Okay?
Okay?
What is that?
No, I'm just saying, like,
you know, this is crazy, right?
Right. Okay. But don't look at me
like that, okay? I don't like that.
What are you doing with your eyes?
I'm just saying this is weird. Hello.
Yeah, it's pretty weird when
you look at me like that.
Just look out the window, please.
Could you look out the window, please?
Okay. Fine.
FATIMA: Oh, my God.
I'm looking up what celebrities charge
for posts...
Hmm? What?
Okay, what's going on with you?
- Do you know the new supervisor?
- [SIGHS]
All right, fine.
I know the dipshit.
We started out together,
right here in dispatch.
He was my first partner.
Wow.
Why don't you go say hi?
[SCOFFS] Yeah.
I'm gonna get out of my seat,
go into his office to say hi.
Spare me your misogyny bullshit, Fatima.
I'm not a misogynist.
Well, you're not an ally.
Sorry. I just thought
something happened, like...
an office romance or something?
What? Me and him?
That's disgusting.
I mean, I fucked him a little.
Don't judge me.
This was during Y2K, all right?
The world was ending.
Nobody-nobody gave a shit.
- I wasn't judging.
- I'll go say hi if it'll make you shut up.
[SIGHS]
[SLURPING]
MAN: Did you remember your silencer?
[GARGLING, BUBBLING]
What do we know about the target?
Who are they? What do they do?
Nothing.
Just whoever checks into that room next.
Cool. Great.
Whoever checks into that room next.
They don't tell us anything.
They don't send us a photo,
they don't tell us when to expect...
What if the housekeeping
person comes into that room...
we gonna shoot her?
We just gonna kill her?
It doesn't make sense.
And they have the information.
Gary.
[EXHALES]
You know how many
calories are in this soda?
Uh... Bi... It's big. I'm not sure.
It's 2,000.
And you know what my
daily calorie intake limit is?
- I, uh...
- 2,100.
So I'm all in on this.
And I am trying to enjoy it.
And you are ruining it.
- [SLURPING]
- Hey.
Uh, let me ask you, a-are you doing
the slurping on purpose, Chief?
I think you're only supposed
to slurp at the end of a drink.
You're slurping all the way through it.
Which tells me you're s... just hovering
at the surface of the drink.
Gary!
I-I didn't mean to ruin your nice drink.
- Shut the fuck up.
- Yeah.
[SLURPING]
AMY: Can I be, like, Brené Brown real
- with you all right now?
- Ooh.
[CHUCKLES] Okay. I actually
was offering to blow you before.
Yeah. It felt real.
- Mm-hmm.
- [CHUCKLES]: Yeah.
And I'm just so glad that you said no,
because, you know,
after being around you
and spending more time
with you, I realize, like,
you're-you're really good guys.
That's nice. Thank you.
You're just really old.
Well, we said no anyway, so...
- D... I know. Thank God.
- Right.
'Cause you're just from, like,
a different, older generation
than me and I ju...
I know I wouldn't have been
comfortable if it came down to it.
- You know, we're not that old.
- Mm-hmm.
Um, you're old.
[SIGHS]
Just thinking about your old bodies
and how your semen causes cancer.
The bad kind.
Our semen causes cancer?
Oh, yeah. Studies are
showing that there's, like,
loads of carcinogens in old come.
- [SIGHS]
- Yeah.
That's not true. H-How
do they know that?
Oh, the radiation was off the charts.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
Like Chernobyl?
Exactly like Chernobyl.
- [MOANS]
- There's no way it's true, Tolbeck.
[CHUCKLES]: Yeah, yeah. Yeah,
there's no way that that's true.
Right.
But it does make a little
bit of sense to me.
I mean, look, why do you feel
so bad when you make it?
Is it because you're making
something that's bad?
Just don't.
Did you know that
"old cop, teen actress"
is the most-searched
porn on the Internet?
Mm.
I specifically said no dairy.
Yeah.
Come in.
Hi.
Hello.
I'm Clint Bergman.
Yes, I know. Janice.
Janice DeLongpre?
Janice. Janice...
[LAUGHS]: Oh, my God.
- Janice.
- Mm-hmm.
How are you?
I'm great. You?
Just-just doing swell.
Wow. How long has it been?
It has been 16 years.
- Incredible.
- Yep.
We got old, huh?
- Yeah, I guess so.
- I see the wrinkle fairy
paid you a little visit.
Mm. Sure, sure.
Been living out in the desert
or something? Like, uh, Palmdale?
Arizona?
Because you have a kind of a
outdoorsy desert vibe going on.
- Mm. No.
- Hmm?
Oh, okay. No, I get it.
You're just one of those women
who doesn't wear makeup at work.
Got it. I respect that.
No, actually, I am wearing makeup.
- Really? Okay.
- Yes.
Give me a sec.
Sure.
[QUIETLY]: Yeah, it's me again.
Can I get a softer tungsten
light in my office?
These fluros are brutal.
People look like monsters.
Okay. [CHUCKLES]
So,
what can I do you for?
Just wanted to swing by,
say hi, make sure nothing was weird.
All right? Just thought it was important
to make sure we're on
the right track. Okay?
Why would it be weird?
Oh, I don't know. The Galápagos?
[LAUGHS]: Oh, my God.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- That's right.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
- The Galápagos.
- Yeah.
Wow. That was... I mean, we were just,
we were just kids back then.
Way to dodge a bullet, huh?
Yeah. That would've been a huge mistake.
Huge.
Absolutely. Well,
thanks for dropping by.
- Okay. Right.
- Yeah. I better, uh...
- ... I better get back to it.
- Yeah.
Look busy, so, uh, we're good?
- Y... 100%.
- Okay. Okay.
Okay. Bye.
Thanks, Janet.
Janice.
[SLURPING]
I'm just... I'm starting to think
we've killed too many people, Chief.
Like, 18 is just too many.
Fuck. What happened?
How did we get here, man?
When we were kids, man,
we just liked riding bicycles
everywhere. You remember that?
Then we got a little bit older,
and we wanted to get a motorcycle.
You got one first and I followed suit.
And then we were both riding
motorcycles all the time.
It was great. And we ran into Jules
and Jinx and Snoop
and those guys, and we were
like, "Hey, you guys are cool,
like-minded, you got bikes."
So we started riding
all the time with them.
And then they... then
they beat the shit out
of that one guy for no reason.
And-and we kind of questioned it,
but then we also kicked his ass, too.
We didn't know what we were doing.
Before we know it, bang...
there we are, we're in a gang.
And now we're killing people, man.
We're taking human life,
Chief. That's insane.
I just liked riding
bikes, like, didn't...
wasn't this a means to an end?
Weren't we just gonna do this
until we could go open our bar?
And now here we are,
sitting here talking
about the 19th murder
we're about to do together.
You're probably just anxious
'cause you messed up the last job.
I did not mess up the last job.
They said kill that guy,
and I killed that guy.
Yeah. You shot him.
You were told to set him on fire.
Yeah, well,
what's the difference? Guy's dead.
Uh, it's a big difference.
[RHYTHMIC SQUEAKING IN DISTANCE]
Hear that?
People fucking.
God, I wish that was us.
I wish that we were fucking, I mean.
- What?
- No, no.
I don't-I don't mean you and I.
I mean, yes, you and I. But
with someone else, here...
to-to take it.
Chief, I wish you and I
had a person, here,
that we were fucking, together.
Different. I wish you and I
- were fucking a different person.
- [SQUEAKING STOPS]
Oh. They're done.
[SIGHS]
_
FATIMA: Ugh. Broken sewage pipe.
Gross.
- Car 34?
- CULLEN: This is car 34. Come in.
Car 34, you are required at the corner
of Balboa Ave and Conroy Street.
We have a sewage pipe that has burst.
- Copy that. Fuck.
- What's happening?
- We got a new detail.
- What does that mean?
I'm still getting arrested, right?
- Charged? Mug shot?
- No.
- They're not gonna see...
- No, it's your lucky night. Get out.
Oh... No, no, no, no, no.
You have to be kidding me.
Uh, you promised.
- We promised?
- You-you promised.
No, no, we're not, we're not doing that.
- AMY: Yes! No!
- Get out, Schumer.
- No!
- I'm not asking!
- I'm not asking you!
- I'm, well, I'm telling you
- I'll go to the shit sewer!
- Time out, time out.
- You're fucking strange.
- Time... time out, guys.
Oh...
Listen, Amy?
It seems like you want to be arrested.
What's up with that?
[EXHALES]
Fine. You know how I
just had a baby, right?
No, but go on.
Really? That's weird.
It was, like, very
important, like, viral news,
- that I had a baby.
- Okay.
All right. Anyway,
I had a baby, and-and...
well, it really fucked me up.
How? Was the birth,
uh, rough or something?
No. No, nothing like that.
No, it fucked my career up.
- TOLBECK AND CULLEN: Oh...
- Yeah. Yeah.
Turns out having a baby
wasn't, like, "on brand"
- for me, or whatever.
- Did you say "on brand"?
Yeah. All the offers I'm
getting now for work
are, like... like, uh-uh,
for a mop commercial.
- Okay.
- That's how the industry sees me now.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm just, like, a fucking mopping mom,
who mops.
Well, that is different from
what you'd done before,
but change is good.
Come on!
- Okay.
- AMY: Keep it one hundred.
Let's do it.
I'm sorry, one hun... that just means,
like, be completely honest.
- TOLBECK: With each other.
- It's like a new, generational thing.
- Why do you know that?
- AMY: Listen, you don't know
anything about me,
and you don't know
anything about my baby.
My baby hates me. Hates me!
- Mm-hmm.
- AMY: I had one of those water births,
and as soon as my baby
came floating out,
with all the blood, turds,
and you know, regular turds
and... yellow turds,
- like, just a bunch of turds...
- Yeah.
[SIGHS] It just reminded
me of when I was younger.
I was in this local pool,
and, um, my mom had made me this,
like, fucked up lentil thing
for lunch, you know?
And I just kind of over-trusted a fart,
and... I knew my life was ruined.
- Mm.
- And right then, I-I saw that
doggy paddling nearby
was Christina Tasuji, and I just...
I just kind of moved my
bathing suit to the side,
and... [SIGHS]
I let it creep out.
I just kind of splashed it over her way.
And once it was bobbing
around her, I just yelled,
- "Christina pooped in the pool!"
- Mm-hmm.
"Look, everyone, she deuced!"
And all the kids, they just
freaked out, you know, kids.
- They're so mean.
- Mm-hmm.
They just started screaming,
and they just made fun of her, and...
and that was her nickname
for the rest of high school.
What?
Christina Ta-poo-ji. Like "poo."
Yeah.
And then, like, 11 years
later, her uncle overdosed.
- That's a horrible story.
- AMY: Yeah.
- [TEARFUL]: This is really hard on me.
- TOLBECK: Mm-hmm.
I really trust you guys,
'cause I don't usually
tell anybody this.
- [AMY CRYING]
- Okay.
AMY: I mean...
my baby... he's always been with me.
Women are born with all their eggs.
He was in that pool with me that day.
On a cellular level, he knows
that I'm a bad person,
and he won't let me forget it.
Look, I'm sure he'll grow to love you...
- No, he won't!
- [QUIETLY]: Ow.
Look, it's done between us.
See, this isn't about me,
or my baby who hates me.
This is about something
bigger than that.
This is about my career.
- All right?
- Okay.
- And it's over.
- Okay. Okay. So...
And to correct that, you want
to get a criminal record?
- I don't get that.
- No. I get it.
She wants a mug shot, right?
- You want to do a perp walk.
- Yeah.
You know, like Nick Nol-tay.
Like Nicholas fucking Nol-tay.
Yeah, he got a best-selling memoir
- after he got arrested.
- Mm-hmm.
Reese Witherspoon, she cursed out a cop.
- Big Little Emmy.
- TOLBECK: Mm.
- Okay?
- Are we saying Nol-tay?
- Yeah, Nick Nol-tay.
- That's his name, Nick Nol-tay.
Okay. I guess it makes sense.
But I'm sorry, we can't
help you out tonight.
We got something else
to do, so, I'm sorry.
Well, I guess I could write her up.
- [EXHALES]
- What's that?
Well, I'd write you a ticket,
you show up in court and contest it.
- Ooh!
- Yeah, that would make news.
A lot of people would
pay attention to that.
Oh, my God. I'm kind of loving that.
- A day in court?
- Mm-hmm.
I get a day in court? Pencil skirt.
- Yes, bitch.
- AMY [CHUCKLING]: Okay.
Amazing. Can you roll down your window?
- Yeah, sure.
- Why?
Joe! Joe!
- TOLBECK: Who is Joe?
- AMY: My lit agent.
- Joe! Oh.
- There he is.
- Evening, gentlemen. How's it going?
- Great.
- Joseph Farrell.
- Okay.
- Jose... Joe Farrell.
- Are you the guy
who was having sex with
her by the dumpster?
- That was me.
- Wow.
- I was wearing a fake beard.
- Huh.
- Wow, you were really quick.
- Hey.
- Thanks, man.
- AMY: Joe, get a picture of me
getting arrested. I look pissed.
From from above, flash, really high up,
- so it looks like I'm, like, sick.
- JOSEPH: Absolutely.
- Yeah, I love it.
- Like I lost the baby weight.
- Looks really good.
- Okay, and, and then, this one,
you guys, like, kind of,
be screaming at me.
I don't know if we should be in it.
Yeah. You guys, it's fine.
- Uh, it feels kind of staged.
- Okay. And then
this one, we're sexual, this
one's kind of, like, sexual.
- I don't like... Okay.
- JOSEPH: Oh, America hates you.
- Okay, I think that's gonna work great.
- All right.
- There you go.
- AMY: Yeah, you got it.
And I'm back on the map. Right, Joey?
Well, it was nice meeting
you, thank you. Bye-bye.
Bye.
Oh. Wow. She didn't even say goodbye.
No. I guess that's how she rolls.
Sad.
Hey, I wanted to tell you.
Uh, remember when she
was talking to us earlier
about you and I together, with her?
Looking into each other's eyes,
and she would do it for nine dollars?
Yeah, I remember that.
I just want you to know, I...
I have the nine dollars.
Why are you telling me that?
Because I thought
you didn't want to do it
because you didn't have nine dollars.
No, that wasn't the reason
- I didn't do it.
- Oh, well,
I just want you to know, if we're
ever in that situation again...
I have nine dollars.
- You know what I'm saying?
- I know what you're saying,
I just don't know why you're saying it.
Okay.
Let's go to the shit sewer, huh?
Yeah, shit sewer.
♪ I want to be tantamount to cordial ♪
♪ Tantamount to good ♪
♪ She can't make it to her car ♪
- ♪ Without making... ♪
- Oh, he's so cute.
I want to have a baby one day.
Oh. Here.
- ♪ Everybody hollering her name ♪
- No, I mean my own...
- Right.
- ... baby.
♪ She's making friends ♪
♪ I'm turning stranger ♪
♪ The people on her end ♪
♪ Couldn't make it plainer ♪
♪ Sometimes I wish
we'd never came here ♪
♪ Seeing as I'm held in
such disdain here... ♪
Three seconds left.
Three, two, one.
Yes!
- I won.
- Great, great.
- I'm cleaning up tonight.
- Okay, great.
Looks like blondie's got a customer.
- TOLBECK: Hmm.
- CULLEN: Okay, money exchanged.
Here we go. Let's take them in his car.
No. No.
I guess they want to
do it out in the open.
I guess they want to be caught. Okay,
- you ready to go?
- Yeah, one second.
Tolbeck. We're rostered
together, like, once a week.
You're spending the whole
night on your phone.
Limit... Look at this. Limited edition
1987 commemorative plate,
Michael with Nancy Reagan.
[LAUGHS]
- Only 38 bucks. Look.
- No.
- I don't want to look, okay?
- [SIGHS]
I don't support this frenzied buy up
of Michael Jackson memorabilia.
There's a reason why it's so cheap.
Yeah, the market is down now,
- but it's gonna bounce back.
- I don't know about that, man.
Hey, do you remember my cousin Gavin,
- the Michael Jackson impersonator?
- Mm.
He quit doing that, and now he's selling
- carpet again.
- Right, 'cause business dried up.
No. Actually, it picked up.
But the clientele was not great.
- Oh, boy.
- They wanted him to do
- this cruise where...
- Oh, fuck me. We wasted time
on your creepy auction. Now they're deep
- into it.
- Oh, God.
Is that his leg or her leg?
Fucking animals. I'm not touching that.
We're just... Let 'em finish first.
TOLBECK: Can we just
turn a blind eye to this?
I don't want that musky sex smell
- in the car.
- No, we can't.
We're not turning a blind eye.
We're bringing him in here
'cause this is the dumb
shit we have to do now
- since the demotion.
- I don't view it as a demotion.
You know, I actually like
- being in uniform.
- Why?
Every day that I wake up
and I put this uniform on,
I feel empowered and sexy.
Oh, really? Sexy?
Yeah. When I walk into a
room, all eyes follow me.
You don't like being noticed?
No, man, I don't like being noticed.
I like being undercover.
Okay? I would like to kick a door down
and yell, "Freeze.
Special Agent Cullen."
And throw a guy off a rooftop.
That's what I would like.
- TOLBECK: That's a lot of cardio.
- Okay.
Okay, they're done. Let's go.
Come on, Tolbeck.
- I got another auction coming.
- Just, come on.
- Stop. Police.
- I-It's the Thriller alb... [GROANS]
Cullen, it's a limited edition
with bubbles on the sleeve.
Cullen.
Hold it there. Police.
- Cullen, he's run... He's running.
- Tolbeck, get him.
Tol... Yeah, chase him.
Oh, he's really fast.
- He's an athlete.
- Chase him. Tolbeck, for...
Oh, well, he's gone.
Are you serious right now?
I'm so sorry. He got away.
- Did you even try?
- No.
My feet are not good right now.
CULLEN: You have the
right to, uh, an attorney.
If you can't afford an attorney,
one will be appointed to you
by the court. Do you understand
the rights I've read to you?
Watch your head.
Oh, my God.
You guys are in so much trouble.
- Yeah, I know.
- You have no idea.
- No, we have some idea.
- No, you don't.
- Okay.
- Look, I'm-I'm related
- to a senator, okay?
- Uh-huh.
- Mm-hmm.
- Distantly related to a senator.
Did we have coffee here?
- What did we do with our coffee?
- You are gonna remember this day
- for the rest of your lives.
- You threw it out.
- Fuck me.
- Oh, God.
So, w-what now? Am I being charged
or whatever down at the station?
Yeah, you're being charged, okay,
under California penal code 247B:
engaging in prostitution.
- What?
- Yeah.
- Prostitution?
- That's right.
Okay, that's insane.
Why would I do that?
I assume because it's your job.
- My job?
- Yeah.
Do... Okay, do you not know who I am?
I'm Amy Schumer.
- You're Amy Schumer?
- Yeah.
- Who is that?
- Amy Schumer.
She's a actress, a comic.
- Right?
- Yeah, exactly. Yeah.
- I also write and I-I direct. Hi.
- Wh...
- I didn't know that.
- Yeah. Oh, yeah.
- That's amazing.
- It's time. It was time.
- I don't...
- But I'd like to make a statement.
- Okay?
- Okay.
I will be fighting this
charge tooth and nail.
You can fight it all you want,
but we know what we saw.
That's ridi... Why would
I prostitute myself?
I have so much money.
- Is she worth a lot?
- Yes. Very wealthy.
- So successful. God.
- Okay.
Look, that's a billboard
for my new special.
Oh, wow.
- You look great.
- That's you?
Yeah, that's me. What do you mean?
- Really?
- What do you mean, really?
Yes, that's me, right th... You know,
they touch it up a little, but...
Did you catch it?
- I didn't see it yet. No.
- You didn't see it? Okay.
Yeah, no, get to it whenever.
So you were having sex under
a billboard of yourself?
- Right. Okay, how crazy would that be?
- [LAUGHS]
I have to look at my own
success just to get off.
[LAUGHS] Yeah, can you imagine?
I don't have to imagine it.
We saw the whole thing.
What did you even see?
I saw you sucking off a guy
next to a dumpster. Okay?
Is he allowed to talk to me like that?
Because I-I feel unsafe.
You should not talk to her that way.
- Yeah, please don't talk to us that way.
- Wow.
But we did see her sucking
off a guy by a dumpster.
And then he sucked you off
by the dumpster, and then
he fucked you against the wall.
- We saw-we saw the whole thing.
- You can't talk to us like that.
- You cannot talk to... speak to us that way.
- We all saw you do it.
We won't have to see it and
we don't have to talk about it.
Okay, I want to make a statement here.
- Another statement?
- I want to make a statement,
on the record, that
I will be fighting this
- tooth and nail.
- Tooth and nail?
And this will come up in court
- when I'm on the stand.
- Okay.
Fantastic. It's gonna be a great day.
Dispatch, this is car 34, come in.
JANICE: Car 34, go ahead.
Uh, requesting a unit to pick
up a suspect for soliciting.
Ugh, great. I'll put it on the list.
"Ugh"? I'm requesting a car.
Yeah, ugh. It's low priority.
Just keep 'em in your car
and bring 'em in at
the end of your shift.
Janice, she doesn't smell good.
Also, it's Amy Schumer. Fun.
Wait, really?
- Hi.
- Amy Schumer's in the car.
Hey, you guys, do you think Amy Schumer
would do, like, a shout-out video
- for my cousin's charity?
- Oh...
Yeah, it's, uh, $12,000.
Oh, hi. Hi, Amy Schumer.
Um, so, yeah,
it's for a charity.
Uh, my little cousin...
Right, yeah, hey, it doesn't matter
what the disease or animal is.
It's a 12K flat rate.
Really?
Yeah, hon, look, there's a
lot of charities out there,
and if you do one for free,
you're gonna wind up
doing 'em all for free, so...
- Oh. Okay.
- Yeah.
Did you want me to go ahead
and book that for you?
Um, no thanks.
No problem. We appreciate your inquiry.
Okay, and hey, while I have you,
I'd like to make a statement
on the record
that I will be fighting
this charge tooth and nail.
End quote. Over and out.
Okay, I think we got it.
Can I just say, also,
that I don't care for you.
And I have a feeling that
your co-workers don't either.
Hmm.
So...
Oh, fuck me.
FATIMA: Is that the new supervisor?
- Huh?
- Wait, do you know him?
Huh? Yeah, no. I-I don't know.
Then why did you say, "Oh, fuck me"?
Because he looks like a dipshit.
He does?
JANICE: Yeah. And now
we work for that dipshit.
So, fuck me, right?
I guess.
♪
[GROANS]
[KNOCKING]
Who's there?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Take your boots off.
I got here an hour ago.
I've been cleaning the whole time.
Wow, guy, thanks.
It's gonna be that kind of day, huh?
AMY: I mean, it's so funny, right? Like,
just why would I risk it all?
Risk everything as just, like, a dirty,
like, sexy little street
hooker? [CHUCKLES]
It's like... I don't know,
if I were to offer to blow you guys
for, like, $30 each,
you know, right here, right now,
in the back of this car.
Like, anybody could come by and see us.
I mean, that'd be insane, right?
Yeah, that would be insane.
- Yeah, exactly.
- Exactly.
Yeah.
Like, 25 bucks a pop.
Right here, right now. Let's go.
Wait, are you asking us, or...
God, no. No.
Or even, like, 15 bucks?
I can blow you guys at the same time.
It really feels like you're
propositioning us right now,
which is, in itself, a crime.
- Mm.
- Right, yeah, as it should be.
It is.
- 'Cause it's so wrong.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Criminal.
- So criminal.
- Yeah.
Yeah. It's, like... [SCOFFS]
like, nine dollars, you know,
to fold both of your penises in my mouth
while you make intense eye
contact with each other.
A slow, unrushed...
blowj.
No.
I agree with the no answer.
- Right.
- That's not something
that we want right now. [CHUCKLES]
Or ever.
We never want that to happen.
So that's a big "no, thank
you" there, Amy Schumer.
Well, thank God.
'Cause, guess what,
I would never do that.
Okay?
Okay?
What is that?
No, I'm just saying, like,
you know, this is crazy, right?
Right. Okay. But don't look at me
like that, okay? I don't like that.
What are you doing with your eyes?
I'm just saying this is weird. Hello.
Yeah, it's pretty weird when
you look at me like that.
Just look out the window, please.
Could you look out the window, please?
Okay. Fine.
FATIMA: Oh, my God.
I'm looking up what celebrities charge
for posts...
Hmm? What?
Okay, what's going on with you?
- Do you know the new supervisor?
- [SIGHS]
All right, fine.
I know the dipshit.
We started out together,
right here in dispatch.
He was my first partner.
Wow.
Why don't you go say hi?
[SCOFFS] Yeah.
I'm gonna get out of my seat,
go into his office to say hi.
Spare me your misogyny bullshit, Fatima.
I'm not a misogynist.
Well, you're not an ally.
Sorry. I just thought
something happened, like...
an office romance or something?
What? Me and him?
That's disgusting.
I mean, I fucked him a little.
Don't judge me.
This was during Y2K, all right?
The world was ending.
Nobody-nobody gave a shit.
- I wasn't judging.
- I'll go say hi if it'll make you shut up.
[SIGHS]
[SLURPING]
MAN: Did you remember your silencer?
[GARGLING, BUBBLING]
What do we know about the target?
Who are they? What do they do?
Nothing.
Just whoever checks into that room next.
Cool. Great.
Whoever checks into that room next.
They don't tell us anything.
They don't send us a photo,
they don't tell us when to expect...
What if the housekeeping
person comes into that room...
we gonna shoot her?
We just gonna kill her?
It doesn't make sense.
And they have the information.
Gary.
[EXHALES]
You know how many
calories are in this soda?
Uh... Bi... It's big. I'm not sure.
It's 2,000.
And you know what my
daily calorie intake limit is?
- I, uh...
- 2,100.
So I'm all in on this.
And I am trying to enjoy it.
And you are ruining it.
- [SLURPING]
- Hey.
Uh, let me ask you, a-are you doing
the slurping on purpose, Chief?
I think you're only supposed
to slurp at the end of a drink.
You're slurping all the way through it.
Which tells me you're s... just hovering
at the surface of the drink.
Gary!
I-I didn't mean to ruin your nice drink.
- Shut the fuck up.
- Yeah.
[SLURPING]
AMY: Can I be, like, Brené Brown real
- with you all right now?
- Ooh.
[CHUCKLES] Okay. I actually
was offering to blow you before.
Yeah. It felt real.
- Mm-hmm.
- [CHUCKLES]: Yeah.
And I'm just so glad that you said no,
because, you know,
after being around you
and spending more time
with you, I realize, like,
you're-you're really good guys.
That's nice. Thank you.
You're just really old.
Well, we said no anyway, so...
- D... I know. Thank God.
- Right.
'Cause you're just from, like,
a different, older generation
than me and I ju...
I know I wouldn't have been
comfortable if it came down to it.
- You know, we're not that old.
- Mm-hmm.
Um, you're old.
[SIGHS]
Just thinking about your old bodies
and how your semen causes cancer.
The bad kind.
Our semen causes cancer?
Oh, yeah. Studies are
showing that there's, like,
loads of carcinogens in old come.
- [SIGHS]
- Yeah.
That's not true. H-How
do they know that?
Oh, the radiation was off the charts.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
Like Chernobyl?
Exactly like Chernobyl.
- [MOANS]
- There's no way it's true, Tolbeck.
[CHUCKLES]: Yeah, yeah. Yeah,
there's no way that that's true.
Right.
But it does make a little
bit of sense to me.
I mean, look, why do you feel
so bad when you make it?
Is it because you're making
something that's bad?
Just don't.
Did you know that
"old cop, teen actress"
is the most-searched
porn on the Internet?
Mm.
I specifically said no dairy.
Yeah.
Come in.
Hi.
Hello.
I'm Clint Bergman.
Yes, I know. Janice.
Janice DeLongpre?
Janice. Janice...
[LAUGHS]: Oh, my God.
- Janice.
- Mm-hmm.
How are you?
I'm great. You?
Just-just doing swell.
Wow. How long has it been?
It has been 16 years.
- Incredible.
- Yep.
We got old, huh?
- Yeah, I guess so.
- I see the wrinkle fairy
paid you a little visit.
Mm. Sure, sure.
Been living out in the desert
or something? Like, uh, Palmdale?
Arizona?
Because you have a kind of a
outdoorsy desert vibe going on.
- Mm. No.
- Hmm?
Oh, okay. No, I get it.
You're just one of those women
who doesn't wear makeup at work.
Got it. I respect that.
No, actually, I am wearing makeup.
- Really? Okay.
- Yes.
Give me a sec.
Sure.
[QUIETLY]: Yeah, it's me again.
Can I get a softer tungsten
light in my office?
These fluros are brutal.
People look like monsters.
Okay. [CHUCKLES]
So,
what can I do you for?
Just wanted to swing by,
say hi, make sure nothing was weird.
All right? Just thought it was important
to make sure we're on
the right track. Okay?
Why would it be weird?
Oh, I don't know. The Galápagos?
[LAUGHS]: Oh, my God.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- That's right.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
- The Galápagos.
- Yeah.
Wow. That was... I mean, we were just,
we were just kids back then.
Way to dodge a bullet, huh?
Yeah. That would've been a huge mistake.
Huge.
Absolutely. Well,
thanks for dropping by.
- Okay. Right.
- Yeah. I better, uh...
- ... I better get back to it.
- Yeah.
Look busy, so, uh, we're good?
- Y... 100%.
- Okay. Okay.
Okay. Bye.
Thanks, Janet.
Janice.
[SLURPING]
I'm just... I'm starting to think
we've killed too many people, Chief.
Like, 18 is just too many.
Fuck. What happened?
How did we get here, man?
When we were kids, man,
we just liked riding bicycles
everywhere. You remember that?
Then we got a little bit older,
and we wanted to get a motorcycle.
You got one first and I followed suit.
And then we were both riding
motorcycles all the time.
It was great. And we ran into Jules
and Jinx and Snoop
and those guys, and we were
like, "Hey, you guys are cool,
like-minded, you got bikes."
So we started riding
all the time with them.
And then they... then
they beat the shit out
of that one guy for no reason.
And-and we kind of questioned it,
but then we also kicked his ass, too.
We didn't know what we were doing.
Before we know it, bang...
there we are, we're in a gang.
And now we're killing people, man.
We're taking human life,
Chief. That's insane.
I just liked riding
bikes, like, didn't...
wasn't this a means to an end?
Weren't we just gonna do this
until we could go open our bar?
And now here we are,
sitting here talking
about the 19th murder
we're about to do together.
You're probably just anxious
'cause you messed up the last job.
I did not mess up the last job.
They said kill that guy,
and I killed that guy.
Yeah. You shot him.
You were told to set him on fire.
Yeah, well,
what's the difference? Guy's dead.
Uh, it's a big difference.
[RHYTHMIC SQUEAKING IN DISTANCE]
Hear that?
People fucking.
God, I wish that was us.
I wish that we were fucking, I mean.
- What?
- No, no.
I don't-I don't mean you and I.
I mean, yes, you and I. But
with someone else, here...
to-to take it.
Chief, I wish you and I
had a person, here,
that we were fucking, together.
Different. I wish you and I
- were fucking a different person.
- [SQUEAKING STOPS]
Oh. They're done.
[SIGHS]
_
FATIMA: Ugh. Broken sewage pipe.
Gross.
- Car 34?
- CULLEN: This is car 34. Come in.
Car 34, you are required at the corner
of Balboa Ave and Conroy Street.
We have a sewage pipe that has burst.
- Copy that. Fuck.
- What's happening?
- We got a new detail.
- What does that mean?
I'm still getting arrested, right?
- Charged? Mug shot?
- No.
- They're not gonna see...
- No, it's your lucky night. Get out.
Oh... No, no, no, no, no.
You have to be kidding me.
Uh, you promised.
- We promised?
- You-you promised.
No, no, we're not, we're not doing that.
- AMY: Yes! No!
- Get out, Schumer.
- No!
- I'm not asking!
- I'm not asking you!
- I'm, well, I'm telling you
- I'll go to the shit sewer!
- Time out, time out.
- You're fucking strange.
- Time... time out, guys.
Oh...
Listen, Amy?
It seems like you want to be arrested.
What's up with that?
[EXHALES]
Fine. You know how I
just had a baby, right?
No, but go on.
Really? That's weird.
It was, like, very
important, like, viral news,
- that I had a baby.
- Okay.
All right. Anyway,
I had a baby, and-and...
well, it really fucked me up.
How? Was the birth,
uh, rough or something?
No. No, nothing like that.
No, it fucked my career up.
- TOLBECK AND CULLEN: Oh...
- Yeah. Yeah.
Turns out having a baby
wasn't, like, "on brand"
- for me, or whatever.
- Did you say "on brand"?
Yeah. All the offers I'm
getting now for work
are, like... like, uh-uh,
for a mop commercial.
- Okay.
- That's how the industry sees me now.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm just, like, a fucking mopping mom,
who mops.
Well, that is different from
what you'd done before,
but change is good.
Come on!
- Okay.
- AMY: Keep it one hundred.
Let's do it.
I'm sorry, one hun... that just means,
like, be completely honest.
- TOLBECK: With each other.
- It's like a new, generational thing.
- Why do you know that?
- AMY: Listen, you don't know
anything about me,
and you don't know
anything about my baby.
My baby hates me. Hates me!
- Mm-hmm.
- AMY: I had one of those water births,
and as soon as my baby
came floating out,
with all the blood, turds,
and you know, regular turds
and... yellow turds,
- like, just a bunch of turds...
- Yeah.
[SIGHS] It just reminded
me of when I was younger.
I was in this local pool,
and, um, my mom had made me this,
like, fucked up lentil thing
for lunch, you know?
And I just kind of over-trusted a fart,
and... I knew my life was ruined.
- Mm.
- And right then, I-I saw that
doggy paddling nearby
was Christina Tasuji, and I just...
I just kind of moved my
bathing suit to the side,
and... [SIGHS]
I let it creep out.
I just kind of splashed it over her way.
And once it was bobbing
around her, I just yelled,
- "Christina pooped in the pool!"
- Mm-hmm.
"Look, everyone, she deuced!"
And all the kids, they just
freaked out, you know, kids.
- They're so mean.
- Mm-hmm.
They just started screaming,
and they just made fun of her, and...
and that was her nickname
for the rest of high school.
What?
Christina Ta-poo-ji. Like "poo."
Yeah.
And then, like, 11 years
later, her uncle overdosed.
- That's a horrible story.
- AMY: Yeah.
- [TEARFUL]: This is really hard on me.
- TOLBECK: Mm-hmm.
I really trust you guys,
'cause I don't usually
tell anybody this.
- [AMY CRYING]
- Okay.
AMY: I mean...
my baby... he's always been with me.
Women are born with all their eggs.
He was in that pool with me that day.
On a cellular level, he knows
that I'm a bad person,
and he won't let me forget it.
Look, I'm sure he'll grow to love you...
- No, he won't!
- [QUIETLY]: Ow.
Look, it's done between us.
See, this isn't about me,
or my baby who hates me.
This is about something
bigger than that.
This is about my career.
- All right?
- Okay.
- And it's over.
- Okay. Okay. So...
And to correct that, you want
to get a criminal record?
- I don't get that.
- No. I get it.
She wants a mug shot, right?
- You want to do a perp walk.
- Yeah.
You know, like Nick Nol-tay.
Like Nicholas fucking Nol-tay.
Yeah, he got a best-selling memoir
- after he got arrested.
- Mm-hmm.
Reese Witherspoon, she cursed out a cop.
- Big Little Emmy.
- TOLBECK: Mm.
- Okay?
- Are we saying Nol-tay?
- Yeah, Nick Nol-tay.
- That's his name, Nick Nol-tay.
Okay. I guess it makes sense.
But I'm sorry, we can't
help you out tonight.
We got something else
to do, so, I'm sorry.
Well, I guess I could write her up.
- [EXHALES]
- What's that?
Well, I'd write you a ticket,
you show up in court and contest it.
- Ooh!
- Yeah, that would make news.
A lot of people would
pay attention to that.
Oh, my God. I'm kind of loving that.
- A day in court?
- Mm-hmm.
I get a day in court? Pencil skirt.
- Yes, bitch.
- AMY [CHUCKLING]: Okay.
Amazing. Can you roll down your window?
- Yeah, sure.
- Why?
Joe! Joe!
- TOLBECK: Who is Joe?
- AMY: My lit agent.
- Joe! Oh.
- There he is.
- Evening, gentlemen. How's it going?
- Great.
- Joseph Farrell.
- Okay.
- Jose... Joe Farrell.
- Are you the guy
who was having sex with
her by the dumpster?
- That was me.
- Wow.
- I was wearing a fake beard.
- Huh.
- Wow, you were really quick.
- Hey.
- Thanks, man.
- AMY: Joe, get a picture of me
getting arrested. I look pissed.
From from above, flash, really high up,
- so it looks like I'm, like, sick.
- JOSEPH: Absolutely.
- Yeah, I love it.
- Like I lost the baby weight.
- Looks really good.
- Okay, and, and then, this one,
you guys, like, kind of,
be screaming at me.
I don't know if we should be in it.
Yeah. You guys, it's fine.
- Uh, it feels kind of staged.
- Okay. And then
this one, we're sexual, this
one's kind of, like, sexual.
- I don't like... Okay.
- JOSEPH: Oh, America hates you.
- Okay, I think that's gonna work great.
- All right.
- There you go.
- AMY: Yeah, you got it.
And I'm back on the map. Right, Joey?
Well, it was nice meeting
you, thank you. Bye-bye.
Bye.
Oh. Wow. She didn't even say goodbye.
No. I guess that's how she rolls.
Sad.
Hey, I wanted to tell you.
Uh, remember when she
was talking to us earlier
about you and I together, with her?
Looking into each other's eyes,
and she would do it for nine dollars?
Yeah, I remember that.
I just want you to know, I...
I have the nine dollars.
Why are you telling me that?
Because I thought
you didn't want to do it
because you didn't have nine dollars.
No, that wasn't the reason
- I didn't do it.
- Oh, well,
I just want you to know, if we're
ever in that situation again...
I have nine dollars.
- You know what I'm saying?
- I know what you're saying,
I just don't know why you're saying it.
Okay.
Let's go to the shit sewer, huh?
Yeah, shit sewer.
♪ I want to be tantamount to cordial ♪
♪ Tantamount to good ♪
♪ She can't make it to her car ♪
- ♪ Without making... ♪
- Oh, he's so cute.
I want to have a baby one day.
Oh. Here.
- ♪ Everybody hollering her name ♪
- No, I mean my own...
- Right.
- ... baby.
♪ She's making friends ♪
♪ I'm turning stranger ♪
♪ The people on her end ♪
♪ Couldn't make it plainer ♪
♪ Sometimes I wish
we'd never came here ♪
♪ Seeing as I'm held in
such disdain here... ♪