No Activity (2017–…): Season 2, Episode 8 - Episode #2.8 - full transcript
Previously on no activity...
I'm about to go on an apple break.
You want to join me?
Jamal here told me
that you forced him into
a sexual encounter.
That's a fucking lie.
Get off me!
(SCREAMING) Get off me!
Freeze. Hands where I can see 'em.
Larry turnbull, you're under arrest.
You don't want to get involved in this.
There's some money that
gets moved around.
We pay for maternity leave,
Thanksgiving turkeys, the soup kitchens.
Cuff him. No. He's like a hero.
Tolbeck. Tolbeck, tolbeck...
Don't do this. Do not do this to me.
CULLEN: Give me the cuffs. Give it.
You can have it.
Oh, shoot. Hey!
COTRIC: I wish you
would've hung out with us.
You would love Fatima.
Fatima from dispatch?
So, you proposed the threesome?
Yeah, I guess I did propose it.
Don't be alarmed. I'm
just taking my gun out
to use you guys as hostages. Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, Larry!
Look, I'm sorry for yelling,
but this is a hostage situation.
(GUNSHOTS)
GREG: There's a sewer
entry in the laundromat,
and the entranceway is on a rooftop
just outside the perimeter.
A series of vague directions
is not a plan, Greg.
I have left scientology,
but they'll be coming for me.
Yeah, I don't care about his progress.
Who are you talking to? I'm
talking to no one, and they're
not saying anything about you. Is it...
I am... I'm coming back soon!
Please give me another shot.
I'm not talking to the church.
COTRIC: Did he say shot? Fatima: No,
no, not shot... Not "shot" like that.
DO NOT FIRE. CAPTAIN: Hold your fire!
Hold your fire!
Shit.
CAPTAIN: Alpha bravo, why did you fire?
COTRIC: I thought I had
the order to fire.
CAPTAIN: What channel were you on?
COTRIC: Channel five.
CAPTAIN: You don't take your order
from dispatch, you take your orders
from me. Don't fire unless I say so.
COTRIC: Got it. Captain: Did
you take down a hostage
or the target? Cotric: Unclear.
Uh, unclear. Will determine.
Uh, somebody's down,
not sure who, though.
CAPTAIN: Motherfucker,
if you've killed Larry, we're
all gonna hear about this.
Shit.
TOLBECK: Oh, boy. Well,
this is possibly gonna
be the end of an era.
I got to say I'm proud of you.
This is gonna be a big win for you.
Okay.
Cullen. Yeah.
Going to the FBI. Maybe.
Yep, it's really the end...
End of an era. Okay, you said...
Thank you. Don't jinx it. Okay.
You know what, let's make this special.
Do you want to just
stare into each other's eyes
for, like, a full minute?
Starting now?
I already started. Oh.
Didn't know you were...
Forget it, forget it. Okay, fine.
FATIMA: Car 27, come in. This is car 27.
Go ahead.
Please be advised that FBI will
be taking over this operation
in exactly one hour.
What?! Why?
There's, like, two hostages in there.
They don't think we can handle that?
Shots have been fired, someone is down,
we're not sure who. One of the hostages
is an FBI agent.
Whoa. Oh, shit. How did that happen?
Classified. You have exactly
one hour to clear the scene
and then report to hq. Dispatch out.
Fuck, I wish I was them.
Oh, relax. You'll get your turn.
I don't know, man. I don't know.
I mean, we're the ones
who fingered Larry.
We're... now we're not
gonna get any credit
for taking him down. None.
You know what? Forget it.
What are you doing?
We're... we're doing Greg's plan.
No, no. What...?
That's not a fucking business card.
Look at it.
It's all in highlighter.
How do you read that?
(DIALING) Okay, I'm-I'm
GOING ON RECORD: This is a bad idea.
Okay. This is a bad plan.
Noted. (LINE RINGING)
GREG: Scheller's tactical
solutions and hobby shop,
Greg speaking. Hey, Greg, it's...
Detective tolbeck! I've
been expecting your call.
Listen, all I need for you to say
is "operation meatpuppet is a go."
He's not saying that.
Oh! Oh! I'm on speaker.
Yes. Yeah.
Great! Oh, now I need
you both to say it.
It's kind of a
deal-breaker if you don't.
Can I get an iced tea? What?
Uh, no sweetener. I'm not saying it.
I'M NOT SAYING IT. (WHISPERS): Say it.
So together, on the count of three,
one, two, three, go.
BOTH: Operation meatpuppet is a go.
("HAPPINESS, MISSOURI" BY EL VY PLAYING)
♪ While away while someone
counts the minutes ♪
♪ happiness, Missouri, I
got to get your mind off ♪
♪ by the way, I told
you we were in this ♪
♪ happiness, Missouri, I got
to get your mind off it. ♪
GREG: Oh, I... look,
I left the map under one of your seats.
Now, who's gonna find it? Ooh!
Who... who's got it? Ooh.
Who's the lucky one? Me!
Me! I got it. I won! Okay. Okay.
There you go. Now, you guys,
you got to wait for my diversion.
I mean, to you, it'll have
the unmistakable
properties of a diversion.
To the hostage-taker and his hostages,
it will divert their attention,
because they're not anticipating it.
They will not... You know what, Greg?
Forget about this.
I'm sorry we called. We're not doing it.
(CHUCKLES) Too late. No,
it's not too late for it.
We're calling it off.
Operation meatpuppet is a go.
There is no squeezing this
squid back into the can.
How's that iced tea coming?
What have we done? What have we done?
Yeah, this is probably a big mistake.
Delta tango, switch to three.
Hey, uh, listen. That
was kind of your fault.
Are you being serious right now?
Look, I have a perfect record.
I don't want to get into a whole thing.
It's gonna be a lot of paperwork for me.
You just log it in. Oh, I'm real sorry
you won't have your perfect record.
You have to slum down
here with the rest of us.
Anyone can see that shot
came from your position.
Oh, I see. Okay, great.
So you get to be a platinum
gay, but I can't be
a platinum sniper? Oh, my god,
that is not the same thing at all.
Oh, no. You know what? You're right.
It's not.
I earned mine. You
basically made yours up
based on some pathological
fear of women.
(SCOFFS) Grow up, Nancy drew.
So you're not gonna
take the shot? Nope.
You're not taking the shot?
I promise you I will not
be doing that, yes.
Okay, bye. Oh, real mature.
You're... wow. Just
cutting communication
in the middle of a live siege.
This is...
This is some of your finest work.
Huh.
(GRUNTS)
What are you doing?
I'm going for his gun.
(GROANING, GRUNTS)
What the fuck were you gonna do...
Shoot yourself free?
I don't know. I was doing something.
I don't see you doing anything.
If you want to get his gun, you
got to do little shimmies.
And you got to get the back of
your chair up against his hip.
All right, why don't you show
me how it's done, genius?
I am. Hurry up.
I'm getting there. Oh, you're
not moving very quick.
(GRUNTS)
(LAUGHS)
Fuck off, Dustin. You fell, too.
Sure. Yeah, but you had
an example of what I did.
You had some big plan of tiny
shimmies, but look at you now.
Shut up!
Ah! Joke's on you.
I like the way your spit tastes.
FATIMA: Hey, it's Fatima.
I'm completely swamped over here
and Zach has gone awol.
Can I get someone else into dispatch?
MAN: Copy that. We have someone
coming in, will be there soon.
Copy that.
Oh, my god.
Janice. You came back.
(LAUGHS) (SIGHS)
Okay, well, let me catch you up.
The other guy who was
here, replacing you,
was a total anus.
(LAUGHS) He left in the
middle of the night to go
get audited, like, scientology audited.
So weird. Not like IRS audited.
Oh, my god, I missed you so much.
So do you want me to catch
you up on the siege?
Oh, yeah, no, I'm trying to
avoid stressful situations.
Oh.
Yo. Yeah, huh.
What's this? What's this about?
Make it happen. You tell me.
It's just a little reminder
about what life's about.
Uh, like, make a mountain happen?
I don't get it.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, Fatima. I mean,
there's not really an answer.
You either get it or you don't.
You know, trees grow or they don't.
You breathe air or you don't.
It's whatever you want to make of it.
You know? It's what you project onto it.
You know? It's-it's... It's
whatever it is or it's not.
Okay.
Where'd you get it from?
Elementary school dumpster.
Oh. Why were you there?
Exactly. Why was I there?
You-you good? You been feeling okay?
Oh. I feel fantastic.
Just making it happen.
Mason got accepted
into the disturbed teen charity network.
They accepted him right away.
And he got a mentor
who's making it happen.
A lovely, well-connected
gentleman who got him
into the school, and he just
waived all those lawyer fees.
So that was a big help. Again,
just making it happen, day by day.
Wow. Janice, yeah. Yeah.
That's-that's really good news. I know.
Well, I'm-I'm happy to hear
that Mason's getting...
The attention that he needs.
Um, what's that you're taking? Oh.
(CHUCKLES): Sorry. It's
time for me to take them.
Um, I call them my little friends.
They're white minions.
Oh, did you ever see the
movie white minions?
It's such a great film. We
all watched it together
in the ward.
The ward. Like, a psychiatric ward?
Yeah, the ward.
We would just call it
"the ward." You know,
like, "ward up"?
Ha, ha.
(LAUGHS) That's ward humor.
Anyway, I'm gonna go get myself
a hot cup of chamomile tea.
Can I get you one?
Chamomile tea? Mm.
You used to say,
"all that hot cat piss you're drinking
"is turning you into a
piss-filled motherfucker,
Fatima."
Well, that certainly sounds
like something I used to say,
but... and I accept the fact
that I said things like that,
and I would like to
apologize, so please,
accept my apology wholeheartedly.
Okay. So, can I get you the tea?
CULLEN: You know what? Why
are we doing Greg's plan?
Greg's plan is not gonna work.
I know, but maybe that's a good thing.
Do we really want to be known
as the guys who brought Larry down?
Yes, we do.
Even with all of these... I don't care
about the hate e-mails. Really?
Yes, I don't care. What ab...
How about this one? No.
"If Larry goes down, the
kids college fund goes down
with him, you pin dicks
better pray he doesn't."
"Larry turnbull helped
my family buy our house.
He's a Saint."
Oh. "You two aren't worth
the crusty buildup off of his..."
Okay. I want to see where this is going.
No, I don't. "...Off of his dick."
That's horrible. Think
I saw that coming.
I was expecting something
more imaginative.
Oh, here's one from Seaworld.
It's an offer for free tickets.
Okay. "Fuck you, guys.
Larry's the best."
You know what? Haters
gonna hate, tolbeck. Hmm.
You see, if we took Larry
down, it clears your name
and we're gonna give me
a leg up on the FBI.
Can you imagine me walking out of there
with a hostage who's an FBI agent?
I am imagining it. Yeah.
It's amazing. Exactly. That's my point.
There wouldn't be a
dry eye in the house.
Why would people be crying?
Tears of joy. Are you kidding me?
Right. Just don't tolbeck
me on this, okay?
You mean, do tolbeck you.
No, don't-don't tolbeck me.
Tolbeck is a good thing, though, right?
No. No. It's not a good thing.
Are you sure?
I've never been more sure
of anything in my life.
You know what? Hmm?
I'm really gonna miss
these misunderstandings.
(MARCO GRUNTING)
God, come on.
How are your ropes coming?
(SIGHS)
What's wrong?
What's wrong? I wouldn't be here
if it weren't for you being
such a fucking liar. Okay.
I'm sorry.
I'm very sorry. I lied to you.
I deceived you so that
I could do my job.
Okay?
But that doesn't mean that
I'm not in love with you.
That doesn't mean that all
the other stuff wasn't true.
How am I supposed to trust
a fucking word you say?
Okay, okay, okay. I just found out
your name is Dustin, for Christ's sakes.
Listen,
from this point forward,
absolute transparency.
You can ask me anything you want
and I'll tell you the truth.
Okay. Are you really in the FBI?
Yes. Fuck.
Were you lying just now?
No. Fuck.
Where'd you get Nathan from?
Was he an FBI bird? No, no.
He came from the zoo. I-i
was being truthful...
Well, the FBI did commandeer him
from the zoo. So,
I guess kind of both are true,
for absolute transparency's sake.
Okay.
So he'd really never been
in a cockfight before?
Oh, no, not at all.
I think-i think kids used
to feed him, honestly.
Huh.
The only reason he won that fight
was 'cause of us.
'Cause we trained him
to be a killer. Yeah.
That bird was a docile bird
bringing joy to children.
We turned him into a
cold-blooded murderer
and cannibal. That's true, we did.
That was us.
Yeah, you're damn fucking
right it was us.
Do you love me?
I do.
You want to know when
I knew I loved you?
Yeah.
It was that time when we
jerked off Nathan together
before the fight.
(LAUGHS) I don't know,
from that moment on, I knew
you were the girl for me.
And you're the girl for daddy.
Yes, dispatching a unit immediately.
Copy that. Stand by. Out.
Oh, okay, so we have to
dispatch another unit, Janice.
Janice. Janice.
Janice. Janice, are you meditating? Oh.
It helps me feel calm.
Wow, that's great. Things are
kind of busy here, you know?
Mm, yeah, they're busy,
but not stressy. Okay. Yeah.
You don't seem stressed.
That's interesting.
The thing is, I'm trying to,
um, coordinate a siege alone.
That's why I'm so stressed.
Oh. I could really use your help.
Sure, well, I'm sympathetic
to your needs,
but I really don't want your
problems to become my problems.
You know, I really miss the old Janice.
Mm, oh, I'm so flattered.
Could really use her.
Well, she's not here.
So...
Mason's back on track, huh?
Mm, he is back on track.
He is up. Great.
That's great, so no more
blackmailing people,
or, like, hacking into computers, and...
No. He's changed.
He's changed.
He's a nice boy. He has nice friends.
He's in a nice school. I
couldn't say anything nicer.
You want to know what I think?
Okay. Well, I think,
in about a year, you'll
be talking to Mason
through a one-inch-thick
layer of plexiglass.
Yeah, I think he doesn't
belong in a nice school.
He belongs in a supermax prison
because he's a sociopath.
I mean, Mason could have a
million mentors, really.
Mentors, connections, the president...
It doesn't really matter.
You can't hide the fact that...
A turd remains a turd.
What do you think of that, Janice?
I think I never noticed
the snow on the mountain
in that poster before.
I think I always thought it
was frosting. I don't know.
Just never really thought about it,
and I've been staring
at it for a long time
and it changed my life,
and I never noticed.
Okay.
Well, I'm gonna get back to the unit.
(PIGEON COOS, WING FLAP)
Is that a diversion?
No, that was a pigeon. Mm.
Yeah.
Hey, you know this
could be the last time
that I mistake a bird
squawk for a diversion.
I remember when you
first came to this car.
Boy, you were so young
and fresh-faced.
You were a kid.
But look at you now, with
your wrinkles and gray hair
and puffiness all around
your face and your
bloodshot eyes. Your skin is horrible.
You're like an aging,
sun-beaten, lesbian
paddle boarder.
Look at you now.
You're a mess. Okay.
Is this your going away speech?
'Cause it-it needs a little work. Mm.
And let me just say, what
I'm gonna miss about you...
Hmm? You know those moments
where you go and get us coffee? Yes.
And you're gone for, like,
three minutes, four minutes?
Yes.
Those are the moments, you know?
The golden moments for me.
Yeah. I get it.
Mm. It's the, uh,
moments of anticipation of
when I'll be returning.
Mm. Mm.
Oh, god.
LARRY: Mm, yeah. (GASPS)
Oh, my god, Larry.
(GROANS) Larry-Larry's okay.
What happened? What
the hell is going on?
MARCO: Ooh!
Larry, careful, careful. Yeah.
You, uh, you got shot
in the head, buddy.
No! Excuse me... What?
No. You got grazed by a bullet.
Yeah, you walked over by the window,
and then a sniper shot you...
You're gonna spook the baby.
A sniper shot me?
Yeah, but maybe it just grazed you?
FRANKIE: Yeah, it just grazed you.
It's not bad? It's not bad at all.
Oh, it's fine. Stop it.
No, you just got nicked by a bullet.
It's nothing.
You could barely see it. How'd
you guys end up on the ground?
Uh, we fell down. Yeah, we fell down.
You know what? I'm gonna untie you guys.
Thank you, Larry.
That's very neglectful on my part.
Ladies first.
Yes, we're doing everything we can.
Stand by.
Janice, where have you been?
The FBI is, like, 15 minutes away
from taking over the entire operation.
Mm, I'm sensing a lot of anxiety here.
Oh, you are? Yeah.
That's so interesting
that you're noticing
between all the chamomile
tea and the pills
and the meditation.
I'm no longer a slave to stress.
Well, that's fucking great, Janice.
Unit 52, dispatch to turnbull's house.
FBI wants to question Larry's wife.
Larry?
Yeah. He has the hostages.
Larry turnbull is the gunman?
Yeah. You're pretty much caught up.
Oh, also, one of the hostages is FBI.
Holy shit! Fuck! Balls!
Oh, my god!
Larry is Mason's mentor!
Larry made it all happen!
Are you kidding me?
He made everything happen!
The-the-the expulsion,
the lawyer fees, it all hinged on Larry!
No. Janice.
J-Janice, hold on, hold on. Oh, don't!
Shut up, fats! They're just placebos.
I can't take medication.
I have allergies!
I'm riddled with them. Get
on the radio over there
and get in on this siege. Come
on, let's go, go, go, go!
(HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING)
DUGAN: Danny.
Danny.
Danny, damn it, you're being ridiculous.
Oh, I'm back.
Am I being ridiculous, Alec, am I?
Yes, you are being ridiculous.
In fact, I think someone's
having a little tizzy.
Oh, you want to see how
much of a tizzy I can have?
Alpha bravo to dispatch.
Fatima, are you there?
FATIMA: Copy that. Cotric:
Hey, Fatima, it's me, Danny.
Can you switch to five?
Switching to five.
Fatima, uh, look,
I'm real sorry about the
whole unicorn thing.
Maybe... maybe you and I should
just go out, the two of us?
Yeah, I think I'm good.
Oh, come on, you were into it before.
Yeah, that was before
your weird mom shit.
Oh, don't worry about
the weird mom shit.
Come on, that's over.
Is this the sniper who shot Larry?
Oh, my god, this is such bullshit.
Well, who is this?
Who is this? This is the third corner
of the lamest love triangle in history.
Wait, is this a gay sniper threesome?
Who's this? I've been
in dispatch long enough
to recognize a sniper threesome.
A couple of big, butch sharks
using unsuspecting girls
as chum? Jesus Christ,
you snipers never change, do you?
You dumb frat boys with your blue balls,
gorilla foreheads, sneak in here
to lure Fatima into some pathetic
spit roast, is that it? (LAUGHS)
You really are a stupid-ass,
regular son of a bitch! What?
Never call a gay son of a
bitch a gay son of a bitch;
just call him a regular son of a bitch.
Okay, that way you can't
be accused of hate speech.
And that one's for free.
And another thing, you
regular son of a bitch.
You know, you people make me sick,
and by "people," I don't mean gays,
I mean snipers, so don't go
accusing me of homophobia,
you cocksuckers,
because I've marched in
more gay pride parades
than you've had hot jizz on your belly.
Okay? So just go screw you
and your motherfucking partner.
Is that the right term now?
What happened, a merger?
Are you a time Warner?
Now eat some dicks. And if I find out
that you killed Larry, I'm
gonna castrate you sick dogs
with a cheese grater.
Coffee? Absolutely.
Great. Get me one while you're at it.
This chamomile tastes like placenta.
(ELECTRONIC FEEDBACK)
GREG: One, two, one, two.
Is this thing on? Hello?
Wait, is that Greg? Yeah.
Larry! One, two. Tolbeck: So,
what, is this the diversion?
One, two. Do you hear me? I guess.
Larry, this is your brother, Greg.
The police are allowing me
to speak to you on behalf of the fact
that we're related to each other.
'Cause we're brothers.
Looks like your brother's out there.
I don't have a brother.
CULLEN: Okay, this is it.
This is the diversion.
This is the diversion?
Yeah. What's wrong?
It's just a weak diversion.
Well, what did you want? I don't
know, like, a firecracker
or something exploding, dynamite.
Tolbeck, tolbeck... Marching band.
Tolbeck, tolbeck, the diversion
is for other people, okay?
Not for us. It's a signal for us.
It's a diversion
for them. Okay? Are you ready?
We're gonna
do this? Okay. Yeah, yeah, you're right.
It's hero time. Let's go. Yes,
let's do it. Okay, let's go.
You know, a naked woman,
that's a great diversion.
GREG: It's called symmetry, pal.
So, what'd you do, pal? They
tell me you were corrupt.
"For what profits a man
to gain the whole world
if he loses his soul?"
Well, he-he gains the whole world.
That's... actually in the quote.
Uh, forget I said that.
Sometimes you just hate the whole
great American love story.
Boy meets dollar,
boy loses dollar, boy finds dollar.
Are you corrupt? Fuck yeah!
All money is dirty.
All motives are dirty, and
all thoughts are filthy.
You know what else is filthy? The water!
There's lead in the water.
There's antidepressants in the ocean.
There's plastic in the fish.
Okay. It says to go to the left.
Okay. Okay.
Yeah, yeah. That one. To the left.
Pink. Pink.
No, no, no. No, no, no. Where you going?
Wait. No, it says pink,
make a left. That's orange? Yeah,
no, this is orange. I think.
This highlighter. Aah. I can't fucking
read. I think that's it. Come on.
Hey, did you know nothing
rhymes with "orange"? Shush.
You think society's divided?
Take a look at your own mind, man!
Your brain is a computer running
an unhappiness program.
Keep going, keep going.
Oh, wait, no, no, that, that, that.
Uh, "dolphin... Dolphin smoking a cigar.
Use the lad-dar."
Lad-dar, lad... The ladder. Ladder!
Great, great. (CHUCKLES)
Hey, this is fun.
(MUFFLED): Shut up.
You're not alone, lar.
You're not alone.
Every minute of every day,
people are having babies,
and every one of them's
a little more cockeyed.
CULLEN: Come on. You okay?
Come on, quick, quick. Yeah, yeah.
We're on the roof. I know. Come on.
We said this... We said this before.
Roof.
Okay.
Okay, uh, this way.
I think this way. All
right, let's do it.
Larry, I got news for you.
You are an outlaw in a society
that has outlawed outlaws.
Here we go. You good?
Yeah. You good? Stay with me.
Stay with me. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I can't do it. You can.
Just hop across. Okay.
Come on. Okay. Cool, cool, cool, cool.
Quickly. Okay, you know what? I'm heavy.
I'm weighed down. No, no.
No, no, you're fine.
It's not far. Here, just take my gun.
What? No. Hey! Whoa! Here, take that.
Just, you know what? Tolbeck. Handcuffs.
This stuff'll keep me weighted down.
Phone, wallet. Shit. Hey.
Okay, here we go, here we go.
Here we go. Okay.
Okay. A-and three, two, one, go!
(SHUDDERS)
Okay. You know what? Just wait here.
I'll be... I won't be long, okay?
No, don't leave me up here.
Just give me a second. Okay.
All right. Quickly.
Who are we?
We're cannibals with a meat allergy.
It's not "give and take" anymore, lar.
It's "grab and take."
(CHUCKLES) Kind of like this guy.
Not bad. I know, right?
Tolbeck, you can do this, you can
do this. Here we go. For the money.
Yeah. Ready? One, two, three, go!
Okay. Go.
No. See, you're looking at me.
Don't look at me, man.
I don't like that.
Okay. Look away.
All right, I'll look away.
GREG: We're living in a postapocalyptic
wasteland, and we didn't even get
the goddamn apocalypse!
Unless, uh, it happened one night
when we were all hunched
over our screens.
Anybody see a bright flash one night?
All right, I'm-I'm gonna
get back on track.
Okay, here we go. Fuck, tolbeck!
Would you stop yelling at me?
Your yelling is not helping.
Say something positive, okay? Okay.
You-you can do this. You can do this.
You're great at jumping. Okay.
Okay?
We have spent a century
sitting behind desks.
We're like the goddamn
people of Pompeii,
and if they excavate
us in a hundred years,
all they're gonna find
is a bunch of sad,
chair-shaped creatures.
Okay, here we go. Here we go.
Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.
Here we go. Go.
Mmm... Go!
Okay, I need a running start.
All we want is a friend,
all we want is a partner,
all we want is a coconspirator
to listen to us.
Danny, I need to tell you something.
I'm not a platinum gay.
GREG: We are lonely.
We are isolated and alienated.
DUGAN: I was 11 years old.
I was helping a friend's
sister onto a zip line, and...
...well, my hand...
Lightly brushed against her vagina.
What?
She wasn't wearing any underpants?
On a zip line?
She was a weird kid.
Okay, tolbeck, you can do this.
We're gonna save the day, okay?
We're gonna be heroes.
We're gonna get medals.
I'm gonna get in the FBI, okay?
All because of you and this jump
that you can do now!
All we want is someone to love us
and not give us a one-star yelp review.
Hey, look, Alec, you know...
I don't give a fuck what you are.
I fuckin' love you.
I fuckin' love you, too.
Let's do this. Let's do it.
Let's do this. Here we go. And...
Three, two, one, go.
Okay, okay, okay. Go!
Tolbeck...! Oh!
Shit!
Tolbeck! Ow!
Are you okay? Officer down.
Officer down.
Okay, you look okay. I'm
gonna keep going, all right?
No, wait, don't go!
(PANTS): I think I've done
something to my ankle.
Can you move, buddy?
I'm trying. Aah!
I'm... okay, I'm stay... I-i won't go.
I won't go. I'll stay here.
Fuckin' tolbeck'd me on this.
What? Nothing. Nothing.
(SIGHS) Let's face it, Larry.
Let's be honest.
You and me...
We're not brothers.
I don't even know you.
These g...
(ELECTRONIC FEEDBACK)
I'm-I'm, like, halfway done.
I'm halfway.
He's right.
What's the point?
I want to give myself up. That's it.
Okay, hang on. Listen,
this is what we're gonna do.
I can walk him out, safely.
Okay? You're gonna turn
yourself in, but I'll make sure
you're treated fair, okay?
I'm FBI. Give me your gun.
And you...
You're gonna get the fuck out of here.
All right. Okay?
I'll find you.
You better, daddy.
FRANKIE: Now, shut up
and kiss your daddy.
(MOANING): Oh, beautiful... "Daddy"?
Are you daddy or is she daddy?
Oh, she's daddy.
Now, let's get the fuck out of here.
Cullen. I was close,
wasn't I? Yeah, you were close.
You know, with another try,
I think you could make it.
For sure. Oh, Cullen,
I'm sorry.
I ruined everything. No.
You're not gonna get in the FBI now. No,
hey, don't be sorry. You know,
this isn't the end.
Stop! Freeze!
Don't move! Don't move.
TOLBECK: Cullen! Don't go!
Don't leave me!
MAN: It's over, guys.
The siege is over. They're coming out.
MARCO: I'm an FBI special agent!
I've got detective turnbull,
and I'm bringing him out.
(SIRENS WAILING)
He is unarmed. I have his
firearm in my left hand.
Please put your weapons down.
Guys? Come on.
Here you go. Thank you. Thank you.
I got one.
I got her...
I got her out of the back.
I arrested her.
You FBI?
Great. Thank you.
CULLEN: Hey, how you guys going?
You FBI? FBI?
Yeah. You took down Larry?
Much respect. Much respect.
I kind of put him up there,
so I guess, uh, I set him up,
you guys knock him down.
That's a good team.
Hey, uh, this is weird,
but I got an application
in with you guys.
Uh, just wondering if you could
put in a good word for me.
You know, I'm the guy who
took down Larry's accomplice.
Anything you could do would be great.
Yeah. Oh, hell yeah.
We'd love to help. What's your name?
Uh, detective Cullen. Ah. Great.
You know what, detective Cullen? Yeah?
Buddy, tonight's your night.
Great. Right?
I am personally gonna
go back to the bureau,
I'm gonna find your application,
and I'm gonna tear it up
into tiny little pieces,
and then I'm gonna eat all of
the pieces of your application,
so that I can shit it out later.
And then I'm gonna go and
I'm gonna find the people
in the recruitment office, and
I'm gonna tell them your name,
and if you reapply,
they're gonna send that
application to me.
I'm gonna eat that application,
and I'm gonna shit that out.
And every time I shit
your application out,
I'm gonna box it up and I'm
gonna send it to your house.
Okay? That's what I'm gonna
do to your application,
'cause you will never, ever...
Get into the FBI as long
as I'm in this bureau.
You got that, pal?
Wipe that smile off your face.
Hey, hey, hey! You son of a bitch!
Hey! You laugh at me? I
will destroy you! Okay?
Okay. Okay. I will end you,
detective Cullen! Okay.
Oh, I would love... I would
love to destroy you.
Okay, let me go, let me go, let me go.
I'm fine. I got to go. My-my
partner's pretty sick anyway.
Kind of got banged up, so... Oh, no!
Oh, oh, oh, everybody, hold everything!
Good job. Detective
Cullen's partner is sick!
Oh, no!
What's gonna happen?
Where you going?
Where you going, you're just
gonna kind of wander away?
Look around?
What a fuckin' piece of garbage.
("DO I STILL FIGURE IN YOUR
LIFE" BY JOE COCKER PLAYING)
NEWSWOMAN: Disgraced police
officer Larry turnbull
was dismissed today from the
San Diego police department.
Turnbull was beloved by
his fellow officers,
known as the "patron Saint of police."
We did it, buddy.
We sure did. (CHUCKLES)
♪ Wild people... ♪
Thank you. Thank you.
Are you pinning this on, or...?
This is nice. Yeah.
Hey. Oh, can we... can
we get another, please?
♪ Do I still figure ♪
♪ in your life ♪
Okay. Uh, here we go.
(VACUUM WHIRRING) All right.
Hey, Pete.
Hey, Pete.
(GROANS)
You okay? Thank you, buddy.
Hey, thanks for coming out, man.
♪ Way you look ♪
♪ the way you smile ♪
So, what'd you think?
Yeah, it was good, right?
Yeah. It could have been
better produced, but...
Well, you know...
Hey. Whew.
You okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
Oh. Wow. Okay.
Lot of clumsy cops today.
Yeah, I don't think
those were accidents.
(GROANS)
Thank you. Okay. Good day.
Oh.
Dickless rats.
Dickless rats? Us? No. Just
keep walking. Keep walking.
Hello.
(WHISPERS): Hi.
Woopsy. (GASPS, SHUDDERS)
Looks like I fucked up there.
You know what that's like.
(SHUDDERS)
YOINK. WOMAN: Turd-hole.
You okay? Yeah.
That's for Larry, you motherfuckers.
Larry was the heart and
soul of this department,
you rat fucks!
Okay. Okay.
♪ Do I still ♪
♪ figure in your life ♪
♪ do I ♪
♪ do I still figure ♪
♪ in your life ♪
♪ do I ♪
♪ do I still figure ♪
♪ in your life ♪
♪ do I... ♪
MAN: Guh-doosh.
(WHIP CRACKING)
(DRUMS BEATING, TRIBAL GRUNT)
I'm about to go on an apple break.
You want to join me?
Jamal here told me
that you forced him into
a sexual encounter.
That's a fucking lie.
Get off me!
(SCREAMING) Get off me!
Freeze. Hands where I can see 'em.
Larry turnbull, you're under arrest.
You don't want to get involved in this.
There's some money that
gets moved around.
We pay for maternity leave,
Thanksgiving turkeys, the soup kitchens.
Cuff him. No. He's like a hero.
Tolbeck. Tolbeck, tolbeck...
Don't do this. Do not do this to me.
CULLEN: Give me the cuffs. Give it.
You can have it.
Oh, shoot. Hey!
COTRIC: I wish you
would've hung out with us.
You would love Fatima.
Fatima from dispatch?
So, you proposed the threesome?
Yeah, I guess I did propose it.
Don't be alarmed. I'm
just taking my gun out
to use you guys as hostages. Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, Larry!
Look, I'm sorry for yelling,
but this is a hostage situation.
(GUNSHOTS)
GREG: There's a sewer
entry in the laundromat,
and the entranceway is on a rooftop
just outside the perimeter.
A series of vague directions
is not a plan, Greg.
I have left scientology,
but they'll be coming for me.
Yeah, I don't care about his progress.
Who are you talking to? I'm
talking to no one, and they're
not saying anything about you. Is it...
I am... I'm coming back soon!
Please give me another shot.
I'm not talking to the church.
COTRIC: Did he say shot? Fatima: No,
no, not shot... Not "shot" like that.
DO NOT FIRE. CAPTAIN: Hold your fire!
Hold your fire!
Shit.
CAPTAIN: Alpha bravo, why did you fire?
COTRIC: I thought I had
the order to fire.
CAPTAIN: What channel were you on?
COTRIC: Channel five.
CAPTAIN: You don't take your order
from dispatch, you take your orders
from me. Don't fire unless I say so.
COTRIC: Got it. Captain: Did
you take down a hostage
or the target? Cotric: Unclear.
Uh, unclear. Will determine.
Uh, somebody's down,
not sure who, though.
CAPTAIN: Motherfucker,
if you've killed Larry, we're
all gonna hear about this.
Shit.
TOLBECK: Oh, boy. Well,
this is possibly gonna
be the end of an era.
I got to say I'm proud of you.
This is gonna be a big win for you.
Okay.
Cullen. Yeah.
Going to the FBI. Maybe.
Yep, it's really the end...
End of an era. Okay, you said...
Thank you. Don't jinx it. Okay.
You know what, let's make this special.
Do you want to just
stare into each other's eyes
for, like, a full minute?
Starting now?
I already started. Oh.
Didn't know you were...
Forget it, forget it. Okay, fine.
FATIMA: Car 27, come in. This is car 27.
Go ahead.
Please be advised that FBI will
be taking over this operation
in exactly one hour.
What?! Why?
There's, like, two hostages in there.
They don't think we can handle that?
Shots have been fired, someone is down,
we're not sure who. One of the hostages
is an FBI agent.
Whoa. Oh, shit. How did that happen?
Classified. You have exactly
one hour to clear the scene
and then report to hq. Dispatch out.
Fuck, I wish I was them.
Oh, relax. You'll get your turn.
I don't know, man. I don't know.
I mean, we're the ones
who fingered Larry.
We're... now we're not
gonna get any credit
for taking him down. None.
You know what? Forget it.
What are you doing?
We're... we're doing Greg's plan.
No, no. What...?
That's not a fucking business card.
Look at it.
It's all in highlighter.
How do you read that?
(DIALING) Okay, I'm-I'm
GOING ON RECORD: This is a bad idea.
Okay. This is a bad plan.
Noted. (LINE RINGING)
GREG: Scheller's tactical
solutions and hobby shop,
Greg speaking. Hey, Greg, it's...
Detective tolbeck! I've
been expecting your call.
Listen, all I need for you to say
is "operation meatpuppet is a go."
He's not saying that.
Oh! Oh! I'm on speaker.
Yes. Yeah.
Great! Oh, now I need
you both to say it.
It's kind of a
deal-breaker if you don't.
Can I get an iced tea? What?
Uh, no sweetener. I'm not saying it.
I'M NOT SAYING IT. (WHISPERS): Say it.
So together, on the count of three,
one, two, three, go.
BOTH: Operation meatpuppet is a go.
("HAPPINESS, MISSOURI" BY EL VY PLAYING)
♪ While away while someone
counts the minutes ♪
♪ happiness, Missouri, I
got to get your mind off ♪
♪ by the way, I told
you we were in this ♪
♪ happiness, Missouri, I got
to get your mind off it. ♪
GREG: Oh, I... look,
I left the map under one of your seats.
Now, who's gonna find it? Ooh!
Who... who's got it? Ooh.
Who's the lucky one? Me!
Me! I got it. I won! Okay. Okay.
There you go. Now, you guys,
you got to wait for my diversion.
I mean, to you, it'll have
the unmistakable
properties of a diversion.
To the hostage-taker and his hostages,
it will divert their attention,
because they're not anticipating it.
They will not... You know what, Greg?
Forget about this.
I'm sorry we called. We're not doing it.
(CHUCKLES) Too late. No,
it's not too late for it.
We're calling it off.
Operation meatpuppet is a go.
There is no squeezing this
squid back into the can.
How's that iced tea coming?
What have we done? What have we done?
Yeah, this is probably a big mistake.
Delta tango, switch to three.
Hey, uh, listen. That
was kind of your fault.
Are you being serious right now?
Look, I have a perfect record.
I don't want to get into a whole thing.
It's gonna be a lot of paperwork for me.
You just log it in. Oh, I'm real sorry
you won't have your perfect record.
You have to slum down
here with the rest of us.
Anyone can see that shot
came from your position.
Oh, I see. Okay, great.
So you get to be a platinum
gay, but I can't be
a platinum sniper? Oh, my god,
that is not the same thing at all.
Oh, no. You know what? You're right.
It's not.
I earned mine. You
basically made yours up
based on some pathological
fear of women.
(SCOFFS) Grow up, Nancy drew.
So you're not gonna
take the shot? Nope.
You're not taking the shot?
I promise you I will not
be doing that, yes.
Okay, bye. Oh, real mature.
You're... wow. Just
cutting communication
in the middle of a live siege.
This is...
This is some of your finest work.
Huh.
(GRUNTS)
What are you doing?
I'm going for his gun.
(GROANING, GRUNTS)
What the fuck were you gonna do...
Shoot yourself free?
I don't know. I was doing something.
I don't see you doing anything.
If you want to get his gun, you
got to do little shimmies.
And you got to get the back of
your chair up against his hip.
All right, why don't you show
me how it's done, genius?
I am. Hurry up.
I'm getting there. Oh, you're
not moving very quick.
(GRUNTS)
(LAUGHS)
Fuck off, Dustin. You fell, too.
Sure. Yeah, but you had
an example of what I did.
You had some big plan of tiny
shimmies, but look at you now.
Shut up!
Ah! Joke's on you.
I like the way your spit tastes.
FATIMA: Hey, it's Fatima.
I'm completely swamped over here
and Zach has gone awol.
Can I get someone else into dispatch?
MAN: Copy that. We have someone
coming in, will be there soon.
Copy that.
Oh, my god.
Janice. You came back.
(LAUGHS) (SIGHS)
Okay, well, let me catch you up.
The other guy who was
here, replacing you,
was a total anus.
(LAUGHS) He left in the
middle of the night to go
get audited, like, scientology audited.
So weird. Not like IRS audited.
Oh, my god, I missed you so much.
So do you want me to catch
you up on the siege?
Oh, yeah, no, I'm trying to
avoid stressful situations.
Oh.
Yo. Yeah, huh.
What's this? What's this about?
Make it happen. You tell me.
It's just a little reminder
about what life's about.
Uh, like, make a mountain happen?
I don't get it.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, Fatima. I mean,
there's not really an answer.
You either get it or you don't.
You know, trees grow or they don't.
You breathe air or you don't.
It's whatever you want to make of it.
You know? It's what you project onto it.
You know? It's-it's... It's
whatever it is or it's not.
Okay.
Where'd you get it from?
Elementary school dumpster.
Oh. Why were you there?
Exactly. Why was I there?
You-you good? You been feeling okay?
Oh. I feel fantastic.
Just making it happen.
Mason got accepted
into the disturbed teen charity network.
They accepted him right away.
And he got a mentor
who's making it happen.
A lovely, well-connected
gentleman who got him
into the school, and he just
waived all those lawyer fees.
So that was a big help. Again,
just making it happen, day by day.
Wow. Janice, yeah. Yeah.
That's-that's really good news. I know.
Well, I'm-I'm happy to hear
that Mason's getting...
The attention that he needs.
Um, what's that you're taking? Oh.
(CHUCKLES): Sorry. It's
time for me to take them.
Um, I call them my little friends.
They're white minions.
Oh, did you ever see the
movie white minions?
It's such a great film. We
all watched it together
in the ward.
The ward. Like, a psychiatric ward?
Yeah, the ward.
We would just call it
"the ward." You know,
like, "ward up"?
Ha, ha.
(LAUGHS) That's ward humor.
Anyway, I'm gonna go get myself
a hot cup of chamomile tea.
Can I get you one?
Chamomile tea? Mm.
You used to say,
"all that hot cat piss you're drinking
"is turning you into a
piss-filled motherfucker,
Fatima."
Well, that certainly sounds
like something I used to say,
but... and I accept the fact
that I said things like that,
and I would like to
apologize, so please,
accept my apology wholeheartedly.
Okay. So, can I get you the tea?
CULLEN: You know what? Why
are we doing Greg's plan?
Greg's plan is not gonna work.
I know, but maybe that's a good thing.
Do we really want to be known
as the guys who brought Larry down?
Yes, we do.
Even with all of these... I don't care
about the hate e-mails. Really?
Yes, I don't care. What ab...
How about this one? No.
"If Larry goes down, the
kids college fund goes down
with him, you pin dicks
better pray he doesn't."
"Larry turnbull helped
my family buy our house.
He's a Saint."
Oh. "You two aren't worth
the crusty buildup off of his..."
Okay. I want to see where this is going.
No, I don't. "...Off of his dick."
That's horrible. Think
I saw that coming.
I was expecting something
more imaginative.
Oh, here's one from Seaworld.
It's an offer for free tickets.
Okay. "Fuck you, guys.
Larry's the best."
You know what? Haters
gonna hate, tolbeck. Hmm.
You see, if we took Larry
down, it clears your name
and we're gonna give me
a leg up on the FBI.
Can you imagine me walking out of there
with a hostage who's an FBI agent?
I am imagining it. Yeah.
It's amazing. Exactly. That's my point.
There wouldn't be a
dry eye in the house.
Why would people be crying?
Tears of joy. Are you kidding me?
Right. Just don't tolbeck
me on this, okay?
You mean, do tolbeck you.
No, don't-don't tolbeck me.
Tolbeck is a good thing, though, right?
No. No. It's not a good thing.
Are you sure?
I've never been more sure
of anything in my life.
You know what? Hmm?
I'm really gonna miss
these misunderstandings.
(MARCO GRUNTING)
God, come on.
How are your ropes coming?
(SIGHS)
What's wrong?
What's wrong? I wouldn't be here
if it weren't for you being
such a fucking liar. Okay.
I'm sorry.
I'm very sorry. I lied to you.
I deceived you so that
I could do my job.
Okay?
But that doesn't mean that
I'm not in love with you.
That doesn't mean that all
the other stuff wasn't true.
How am I supposed to trust
a fucking word you say?
Okay, okay, okay. I just found out
your name is Dustin, for Christ's sakes.
Listen,
from this point forward,
absolute transparency.
You can ask me anything you want
and I'll tell you the truth.
Okay. Are you really in the FBI?
Yes. Fuck.
Were you lying just now?
No. Fuck.
Where'd you get Nathan from?
Was he an FBI bird? No, no.
He came from the zoo. I-i
was being truthful...
Well, the FBI did commandeer him
from the zoo. So,
I guess kind of both are true,
for absolute transparency's sake.
Okay.
So he'd really never been
in a cockfight before?
Oh, no, not at all.
I think-i think kids used
to feed him, honestly.
Huh.
The only reason he won that fight
was 'cause of us.
'Cause we trained him
to be a killer. Yeah.
That bird was a docile bird
bringing joy to children.
We turned him into a
cold-blooded murderer
and cannibal. That's true, we did.
That was us.
Yeah, you're damn fucking
right it was us.
Do you love me?
I do.
You want to know when
I knew I loved you?
Yeah.
It was that time when we
jerked off Nathan together
before the fight.
(LAUGHS) I don't know,
from that moment on, I knew
you were the girl for me.
And you're the girl for daddy.
Yes, dispatching a unit immediately.
Copy that. Stand by. Out.
Oh, okay, so we have to
dispatch another unit, Janice.
Janice. Janice.
Janice. Janice, are you meditating? Oh.
It helps me feel calm.
Wow, that's great. Things are
kind of busy here, you know?
Mm, yeah, they're busy,
but not stressy. Okay. Yeah.
You don't seem stressed.
That's interesting.
The thing is, I'm trying to,
um, coordinate a siege alone.
That's why I'm so stressed.
Oh. I could really use your help.
Sure, well, I'm sympathetic
to your needs,
but I really don't want your
problems to become my problems.
You know, I really miss the old Janice.
Mm, oh, I'm so flattered.
Could really use her.
Well, she's not here.
So...
Mason's back on track, huh?
Mm, he is back on track.
He is up. Great.
That's great, so no more
blackmailing people,
or, like, hacking into computers, and...
No. He's changed.
He's changed.
He's a nice boy. He has nice friends.
He's in a nice school. I
couldn't say anything nicer.
You want to know what I think?
Okay. Well, I think,
in about a year, you'll
be talking to Mason
through a one-inch-thick
layer of plexiglass.
Yeah, I think he doesn't
belong in a nice school.
He belongs in a supermax prison
because he's a sociopath.
I mean, Mason could have a
million mentors, really.
Mentors, connections, the president...
It doesn't really matter.
You can't hide the fact that...
A turd remains a turd.
What do you think of that, Janice?
I think I never noticed
the snow on the mountain
in that poster before.
I think I always thought it
was frosting. I don't know.
Just never really thought about it,
and I've been staring
at it for a long time
and it changed my life,
and I never noticed.
Okay.
Well, I'm gonna get back to the unit.
(PIGEON COOS, WING FLAP)
Is that a diversion?
No, that was a pigeon. Mm.
Yeah.
Hey, you know this
could be the last time
that I mistake a bird
squawk for a diversion.
I remember when you
first came to this car.
Boy, you were so young
and fresh-faced.
You were a kid.
But look at you now, with
your wrinkles and gray hair
and puffiness all around
your face and your
bloodshot eyes. Your skin is horrible.
You're like an aging,
sun-beaten, lesbian
paddle boarder.
Look at you now.
You're a mess. Okay.
Is this your going away speech?
'Cause it-it needs a little work. Mm.
And let me just say, what
I'm gonna miss about you...
Hmm? You know those moments
where you go and get us coffee? Yes.
And you're gone for, like,
three minutes, four minutes?
Yes.
Those are the moments, you know?
The golden moments for me.
Yeah. I get it.
Mm. It's the, uh,
moments of anticipation of
when I'll be returning.
Mm. Mm.
Oh, god.
LARRY: Mm, yeah. (GASPS)
Oh, my god, Larry.
(GROANS) Larry-Larry's okay.
What happened? What
the hell is going on?
MARCO: Ooh!
Larry, careful, careful. Yeah.
You, uh, you got shot
in the head, buddy.
No! Excuse me... What?
No. You got grazed by a bullet.
Yeah, you walked over by the window,
and then a sniper shot you...
You're gonna spook the baby.
A sniper shot me?
Yeah, but maybe it just grazed you?
FRANKIE: Yeah, it just grazed you.
It's not bad? It's not bad at all.
Oh, it's fine. Stop it.
No, you just got nicked by a bullet.
It's nothing.
You could barely see it. How'd
you guys end up on the ground?
Uh, we fell down. Yeah, we fell down.
You know what? I'm gonna untie you guys.
Thank you, Larry.
That's very neglectful on my part.
Ladies first.
Yes, we're doing everything we can.
Stand by.
Janice, where have you been?
The FBI is, like, 15 minutes away
from taking over the entire operation.
Mm, I'm sensing a lot of anxiety here.
Oh, you are? Yeah.
That's so interesting
that you're noticing
between all the chamomile
tea and the pills
and the meditation.
I'm no longer a slave to stress.
Well, that's fucking great, Janice.
Unit 52, dispatch to turnbull's house.
FBI wants to question Larry's wife.
Larry?
Yeah. He has the hostages.
Larry turnbull is the gunman?
Yeah. You're pretty much caught up.
Oh, also, one of the hostages is FBI.
Holy shit! Fuck! Balls!
Oh, my god!
Larry is Mason's mentor!
Larry made it all happen!
Are you kidding me?
He made everything happen!
The-the-the expulsion,
the lawyer fees, it all hinged on Larry!
No. Janice.
J-Janice, hold on, hold on. Oh, don't!
Shut up, fats! They're just placebos.
I can't take medication.
I have allergies!
I'm riddled with them. Get
on the radio over there
and get in on this siege. Come
on, let's go, go, go, go!
(HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING)
DUGAN: Danny.
Danny.
Danny, damn it, you're being ridiculous.
Oh, I'm back.
Am I being ridiculous, Alec, am I?
Yes, you are being ridiculous.
In fact, I think someone's
having a little tizzy.
Oh, you want to see how
much of a tizzy I can have?
Alpha bravo to dispatch.
Fatima, are you there?
FATIMA: Copy that. Cotric:
Hey, Fatima, it's me, Danny.
Can you switch to five?
Switching to five.
Fatima, uh, look,
I'm real sorry about the
whole unicorn thing.
Maybe... maybe you and I should
just go out, the two of us?
Yeah, I think I'm good.
Oh, come on, you were into it before.
Yeah, that was before
your weird mom shit.
Oh, don't worry about
the weird mom shit.
Come on, that's over.
Is this the sniper who shot Larry?
Oh, my god, this is such bullshit.
Well, who is this?
Who is this? This is the third corner
of the lamest love triangle in history.
Wait, is this a gay sniper threesome?
Who's this? I've been
in dispatch long enough
to recognize a sniper threesome.
A couple of big, butch sharks
using unsuspecting girls
as chum? Jesus Christ,
you snipers never change, do you?
You dumb frat boys with your blue balls,
gorilla foreheads, sneak in here
to lure Fatima into some pathetic
spit roast, is that it? (LAUGHS)
You really are a stupid-ass,
regular son of a bitch! What?
Never call a gay son of a
bitch a gay son of a bitch;
just call him a regular son of a bitch.
Okay, that way you can't
be accused of hate speech.
And that one's for free.
And another thing, you
regular son of a bitch.
You know, you people make me sick,
and by "people," I don't mean gays,
I mean snipers, so don't go
accusing me of homophobia,
you cocksuckers,
because I've marched in
more gay pride parades
than you've had hot jizz on your belly.
Okay? So just go screw you
and your motherfucking partner.
Is that the right term now?
What happened, a merger?
Are you a time Warner?
Now eat some dicks. And if I find out
that you killed Larry, I'm
gonna castrate you sick dogs
with a cheese grater.
Coffee? Absolutely.
Great. Get me one while you're at it.
This chamomile tastes like placenta.
(ELECTRONIC FEEDBACK)
GREG: One, two, one, two.
Is this thing on? Hello?
Wait, is that Greg? Yeah.
Larry! One, two. Tolbeck: So,
what, is this the diversion?
One, two. Do you hear me? I guess.
Larry, this is your brother, Greg.
The police are allowing me
to speak to you on behalf of the fact
that we're related to each other.
'Cause we're brothers.
Looks like your brother's out there.
I don't have a brother.
CULLEN: Okay, this is it.
This is the diversion.
This is the diversion?
Yeah. What's wrong?
It's just a weak diversion.
Well, what did you want? I don't
know, like, a firecracker
or something exploding, dynamite.
Tolbeck, tolbeck... Marching band.
Tolbeck, tolbeck, the diversion
is for other people, okay?
Not for us. It's a signal for us.
It's a diversion
for them. Okay? Are you ready?
We're gonna
do this? Okay. Yeah, yeah, you're right.
It's hero time. Let's go. Yes,
let's do it. Okay, let's go.
You know, a naked woman,
that's a great diversion.
GREG: It's called symmetry, pal.
So, what'd you do, pal? They
tell me you were corrupt.
"For what profits a man
to gain the whole world
if he loses his soul?"
Well, he-he gains the whole world.
That's... actually in the quote.
Uh, forget I said that.
Sometimes you just hate the whole
great American love story.
Boy meets dollar,
boy loses dollar, boy finds dollar.
Are you corrupt? Fuck yeah!
All money is dirty.
All motives are dirty, and
all thoughts are filthy.
You know what else is filthy? The water!
There's lead in the water.
There's antidepressants in the ocean.
There's plastic in the fish.
Okay. It says to go to the left.
Okay. Okay.
Yeah, yeah. That one. To the left.
Pink. Pink.
No, no, no. No, no, no. Where you going?
Wait. No, it says pink,
make a left. That's orange? Yeah,
no, this is orange. I think.
This highlighter. Aah. I can't fucking
read. I think that's it. Come on.
Hey, did you know nothing
rhymes with "orange"? Shush.
You think society's divided?
Take a look at your own mind, man!
Your brain is a computer running
an unhappiness program.
Keep going, keep going.
Oh, wait, no, no, that, that, that.
Uh, "dolphin... Dolphin smoking a cigar.
Use the lad-dar."
Lad-dar, lad... The ladder. Ladder!
Great, great. (CHUCKLES)
Hey, this is fun.
(MUFFLED): Shut up.
You're not alone, lar.
You're not alone.
Every minute of every day,
people are having babies,
and every one of them's
a little more cockeyed.
CULLEN: Come on. You okay?
Come on, quick, quick. Yeah, yeah.
We're on the roof. I know. Come on.
We said this... We said this before.
Roof.
Okay.
Okay, uh, this way.
I think this way. All
right, let's do it.
Larry, I got news for you.
You are an outlaw in a society
that has outlawed outlaws.
Here we go. You good?
Yeah. You good? Stay with me.
Stay with me. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I can't do it. You can.
Just hop across. Okay.
Come on. Okay. Cool, cool, cool, cool.
Quickly. Okay, you know what? I'm heavy.
I'm weighed down. No, no.
No, no, you're fine.
It's not far. Here, just take my gun.
What? No. Hey! Whoa! Here, take that.
Just, you know what? Tolbeck. Handcuffs.
This stuff'll keep me weighted down.
Phone, wallet. Shit. Hey.
Okay, here we go, here we go.
Here we go. Okay.
Okay. A-and three, two, one, go!
(SHUDDERS)
Okay. You know what? Just wait here.
I'll be... I won't be long, okay?
No, don't leave me up here.
Just give me a second. Okay.
All right. Quickly.
Who are we?
We're cannibals with a meat allergy.
It's not "give and take" anymore, lar.
It's "grab and take."
(CHUCKLES) Kind of like this guy.
Not bad. I know, right?
Tolbeck, you can do this, you can
do this. Here we go. For the money.
Yeah. Ready? One, two, three, go!
Okay. Go.
No. See, you're looking at me.
Don't look at me, man.
I don't like that.
Okay. Look away.
All right, I'll look away.
GREG: We're living in a postapocalyptic
wasteland, and we didn't even get
the goddamn apocalypse!
Unless, uh, it happened one night
when we were all hunched
over our screens.
Anybody see a bright flash one night?
All right, I'm-I'm gonna
get back on track.
Okay, here we go. Fuck, tolbeck!
Would you stop yelling at me?
Your yelling is not helping.
Say something positive, okay? Okay.
You-you can do this. You can do this.
You're great at jumping. Okay.
Okay?
We have spent a century
sitting behind desks.
We're like the goddamn
people of Pompeii,
and if they excavate
us in a hundred years,
all they're gonna find
is a bunch of sad,
chair-shaped creatures.
Okay, here we go. Here we go.
Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.
Here we go. Go.
Mmm... Go!
Okay, I need a running start.
All we want is a friend,
all we want is a partner,
all we want is a coconspirator
to listen to us.
Danny, I need to tell you something.
I'm not a platinum gay.
GREG: We are lonely.
We are isolated and alienated.
DUGAN: I was 11 years old.
I was helping a friend's
sister onto a zip line, and...
...well, my hand...
Lightly brushed against her vagina.
What?
She wasn't wearing any underpants?
On a zip line?
She was a weird kid.
Okay, tolbeck, you can do this.
We're gonna save the day, okay?
We're gonna be heroes.
We're gonna get medals.
I'm gonna get in the FBI, okay?
All because of you and this jump
that you can do now!
All we want is someone to love us
and not give us a one-star yelp review.
Hey, look, Alec, you know...
I don't give a fuck what you are.
I fuckin' love you.
I fuckin' love you, too.
Let's do this. Let's do it.
Let's do this. Here we go. And...
Three, two, one, go.
Okay, okay, okay. Go!
Tolbeck...! Oh!
Shit!
Tolbeck! Ow!
Are you okay? Officer down.
Officer down.
Okay, you look okay. I'm
gonna keep going, all right?
No, wait, don't go!
(PANTS): I think I've done
something to my ankle.
Can you move, buddy?
I'm trying. Aah!
I'm... okay, I'm stay... I-i won't go.
I won't go. I'll stay here.
Fuckin' tolbeck'd me on this.
What? Nothing. Nothing.
(SIGHS) Let's face it, Larry.
Let's be honest.
You and me...
We're not brothers.
I don't even know you.
These g...
(ELECTRONIC FEEDBACK)
I'm-I'm, like, halfway done.
I'm halfway.
He's right.
What's the point?
I want to give myself up. That's it.
Okay, hang on. Listen,
this is what we're gonna do.
I can walk him out, safely.
Okay? You're gonna turn
yourself in, but I'll make sure
you're treated fair, okay?
I'm FBI. Give me your gun.
And you...
You're gonna get the fuck out of here.
All right. Okay?
I'll find you.
You better, daddy.
FRANKIE: Now, shut up
and kiss your daddy.
(MOANING): Oh, beautiful... "Daddy"?
Are you daddy or is she daddy?
Oh, she's daddy.
Now, let's get the fuck out of here.
Cullen. I was close,
wasn't I? Yeah, you were close.
You know, with another try,
I think you could make it.
For sure. Oh, Cullen,
I'm sorry.
I ruined everything. No.
You're not gonna get in the FBI now. No,
hey, don't be sorry. You know,
this isn't the end.
Stop! Freeze!
Don't move! Don't move.
TOLBECK: Cullen! Don't go!
Don't leave me!
MAN: It's over, guys.
The siege is over. They're coming out.
MARCO: I'm an FBI special agent!
I've got detective turnbull,
and I'm bringing him out.
(SIRENS WAILING)
He is unarmed. I have his
firearm in my left hand.
Please put your weapons down.
Guys? Come on.
Here you go. Thank you. Thank you.
I got one.
I got her...
I got her out of the back.
I arrested her.
You FBI?
Great. Thank you.
CULLEN: Hey, how you guys going?
You FBI? FBI?
Yeah. You took down Larry?
Much respect. Much respect.
I kind of put him up there,
so I guess, uh, I set him up,
you guys knock him down.
That's a good team.
Hey, uh, this is weird,
but I got an application
in with you guys.
Uh, just wondering if you could
put in a good word for me.
You know, I'm the guy who
took down Larry's accomplice.
Anything you could do would be great.
Yeah. Oh, hell yeah.
We'd love to help. What's your name?
Uh, detective Cullen. Ah. Great.
You know what, detective Cullen? Yeah?
Buddy, tonight's your night.
Great. Right?
I am personally gonna
go back to the bureau,
I'm gonna find your application,
and I'm gonna tear it up
into tiny little pieces,
and then I'm gonna eat all of
the pieces of your application,
so that I can shit it out later.
And then I'm gonna go and
I'm gonna find the people
in the recruitment office, and
I'm gonna tell them your name,
and if you reapply,
they're gonna send that
application to me.
I'm gonna eat that application,
and I'm gonna shit that out.
And every time I shit
your application out,
I'm gonna box it up and I'm
gonna send it to your house.
Okay? That's what I'm gonna
do to your application,
'cause you will never, ever...
Get into the FBI as long
as I'm in this bureau.
You got that, pal?
Wipe that smile off your face.
Hey, hey, hey! You son of a bitch!
Hey! You laugh at me? I
will destroy you! Okay?
Okay. Okay. I will end you,
detective Cullen! Okay.
Oh, I would love... I would
love to destroy you.
Okay, let me go, let me go, let me go.
I'm fine. I got to go. My-my
partner's pretty sick anyway.
Kind of got banged up, so... Oh, no!
Oh, oh, oh, everybody, hold everything!
Good job. Detective
Cullen's partner is sick!
Oh, no!
What's gonna happen?
Where you going?
Where you going, you're just
gonna kind of wander away?
Look around?
What a fuckin' piece of garbage.
("DO I STILL FIGURE IN YOUR
LIFE" BY JOE COCKER PLAYING)
NEWSWOMAN: Disgraced police
officer Larry turnbull
was dismissed today from the
San Diego police department.
Turnbull was beloved by
his fellow officers,
known as the "patron Saint of police."
We did it, buddy.
We sure did. (CHUCKLES)
♪ Wild people... ♪
Thank you. Thank you.
Are you pinning this on, or...?
This is nice. Yeah.
Hey. Oh, can we... can
we get another, please?
♪ Do I still figure ♪
♪ in your life ♪
Okay. Uh, here we go.
(VACUUM WHIRRING) All right.
Hey, Pete.
Hey, Pete.
(GROANS)
You okay? Thank you, buddy.
Hey, thanks for coming out, man.
♪ Way you look ♪
♪ the way you smile ♪
So, what'd you think?
Yeah, it was good, right?
Yeah. It could have been
better produced, but...
Well, you know...
Hey. Whew.
You okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
Oh. Wow. Okay.
Lot of clumsy cops today.
Yeah, I don't think
those were accidents.
(GROANS)
Thank you. Okay. Good day.
Oh.
Dickless rats.
Dickless rats? Us? No. Just
keep walking. Keep walking.
Hello.
(WHISPERS): Hi.
Woopsy. (GASPS, SHUDDERS)
Looks like I fucked up there.
You know what that's like.
(SHUDDERS)
YOINK. WOMAN: Turd-hole.
You okay? Yeah.
That's for Larry, you motherfuckers.
Larry was the heart and
soul of this department,
you rat fucks!
Okay. Okay.
♪ Do I still ♪
♪ figure in your life ♪
♪ do I ♪
♪ do I still figure ♪
♪ in your life ♪
♪ do I ♪
♪ do I still figure ♪
♪ in your life ♪
♪ do I... ♪
MAN: Guh-doosh.
(WHIP CRACKING)
(DRUMS BEATING, TRIBAL GRUNT)