No Activity (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Golden Age of Tunnels - full transcript

You comfortable? Are you..
Are you too hot or too cold or...?

Any coffee? Or you want
some more coffee or anything?

Because there's a place just
up the road. I can go get it.

What are
you asking me right now?

Uh, just... do you feel okay?
You feel... you're comfortable?

Everything okay.

Just making chit-chat.

Are you okay? Do you feel comfortable?

Yeah, I'm very, very comfortable.

So let's just both assume the
other man is okay and comfortable.

Sure. Just... just... just...



You know, I've never had an
American policeman, uh, here.

So it's... it's a little
exciting to have you here.

Welcome!

Car 72,
please report. Car 72.

Uh, yes, uh, Car 72.

That's no activity from
Detective Hendy and...

Uh, Special Agent...
Special Agent? Or is it...?

Uh, Agent Cutler from...

Is it the D... DEA?

Drug...

The American... from America.

You know who he is. No activity.

Operation Big Red.

Confirming the amphetamines
within the coffee crates



were moved overnight to
the warehouse location,

uh, suspected of being
a distribution centre.

So do you, uh... You flew
over business or economy?

Or coach?

From the States... of America?

You know, on those long-haul flights,

they put a very mild constipating agent

in the food, you know,
just... just to...

It reduces bowel movements.
It's called corking the food.

You cork the chicken
pasta and cork the...

'Cause otherwise, you've got
300 people at 40,000 feet...

You know, think about it.
It's gonna become a real poo-fest.

And, uh, you know, then
you've got 'Turds on a Plane',

starring Samuel L. Jackson.

It's not because you're
black. That was not...

It's just because he's the star
of the movie. He's... he's...

Sorry, and I know you have to be
very sensitive about that thing

in your country

because you shoot the
black... you shoot the people.

You shoot people of
various, um, ethnic...

All sorts. All sorts.

Sorry, I'm just... I'm rambling
because my partner shot someone.

He's in counselling because
he shot a black... a person...

Can we be in silence for just a moment?

- Is that okay? Thank you.
- Yes.

So do I... do I just
start talking or...?

Well, if you could just, uh,

tell me about the night of
the shooting in your own words.

Ah, the shooting. Well, okay.

Just to go back, to put
it into context, all right?

Hendy and I, uh, uh...

Well, actually, go back another step.

I'd left home in the morning.

Um, my wife, Wendy, uh, was...

I was a bit late out the door

because she was in one of her moods.

She gets a...

Well, she's kind of
clinically depressed,

but, um, she has been
ever since her husband...

No... no one probably...

Anyway, she was married
to a pilot, uh, Charles.

And, um, he suffered a
rather unfortunate accident

with a... with a cargo door.

Actually, I won't go
into the details. It's...

He lost his head. It came, like...

It just... as he was going by...

Apparently, he was reaching
in for some hand luggage.

Anyway, it wasn't his. Doesn't matter.

Hendy and I had to go around

and give her the news about her husband,

and she was distraught, quite naturally.

So, uh... He was a very handsome man.

And he had this, um... like, this hat.

He would wear his hat
on a jaunty angle and...

I understand her grief,
is all I'm trying to say.

And we struck up a little thing.

And one day, she just
threw herself at me.

Like, out of grief,

she just came at me
like some nympho octopus,

just legs all over the place.

It was amazing, but she was
quite ashamed afterwards.

Do you think we could just get back to

the night of the shooting?

Ah, the shooting, yes!

What do you want to know about that?

Hey, mate, have you
thought any more about...

maybe coming down the coast with me?

You know, I'll look after you.

Yeah.

Hey, hey, don't worry, all right?
We'll be all right. I promise.

I got rid of him clean,
mate. No one's gonna...

As long as we keep our
mouths shut, we'll be fine.

Should I teach you something
while we're here?

Yeah.

You just got a little
bit of blood there.

This is a little app I picked up.

That one down there, that's your C4.

Most blokes, if they're
gonna take a head off,

they'll just drive an
axe between the C4 or C5.

They're gonna make a mess
all over the place, right?

You get shards of bone.

Mate, that is a forensic
man's wet dream, right? Not me.

Have a look at this.

Or would you use a crowbar
or, like, a hacksaw to get...

No! Amateur time, mate.
Amateur time. No. Piece of wood.

In fact, even better,
a little bit of cloth around it,

and just gently,
ever-so-gently, until...

You'll feel it, you'll
feel it, you'll feel it...

Straight off.

Clean as a whistle.
No shard. No problem.

This is providing, of course,

you've done all your nerve
work, your muscle work around it.

- Which I generally do straightaway.
- Yeah, right.

You know, I probably...

I think about if Mum and Dad

had probably paid more attention to me,

I probably could've
got a decent education.

I probably could've
been a doctor, you know?

You've got an incredible bedside manner.

Very steady hand. A keen eye.

I love the idea of helping people.

Just making them feel better, you know?

You are helping people.
You're helping me.

And goodness knows Glen
feels a lot better now...

wherever he is.

Right, in a thousand bits
and pieces all over the place.

Exactly right. Never-never land.

You know?

Woop-woop.

Wonderworld.

Madagascar.

Madagascar's a real place.

Isn't it? In Africa.

Don't think so. I think it's a cartoon.

- It's your first time here?
- Yeah.

Have you seen much?

I don't think there's much to see.

Come on! It's Australia.

I mean, I know a lot about Australia.

I could take you to the zoo.
Have you seen many marsupials?

- We've got, uh, emu. Platypus.
- Right.

When they first discovered the platypus,

they thought it was a fake, a forgery.

I could take you to some
kangaroos in the wild.

Yeah, I've seen "Crocodile Dundee".

I know what you guys have to offer.
I've seen it. I love it.

I've seen your nature.
I've seen your people.

Well, if you've just
seen the movie, that's...

"Crocodile Dundee", that's 30 years ago.

You know, we've done a...
come a long way since then.

You're telling me you've got

something better than
"Crocodile Dundee"?

- Are you serious?
- I'm dead serious.

I think it's insulting to be told

that that's the best thing
our country's done in 30 years.

- Name something better.
- I can name plenty of things.

- Name one.
- I can name lots of things.

- Then start naming them.
- I will.

- And I'll give you an honest take.
- Okay.

For one...

I don't know what "For One" is.

- No, I'm saying number one.
- "For One"?

- Number one.
- 'Cause you took a pause.

Yeah, I'm thinking of the best thing.

'Cause I can say one without thinking.

"Crocodile motherfucking Dundee".

- The Sydney Olympics.
- No.

Everyone does an Olympics.
Every four years, it's different.

- We hosted those Olympics.
- Yeah, and we won those.

- We've hosted them in L.A. too.
- Ian Thorpe.

- Lleyton Hewitt. Vegemite.
- No. Eugh! No, no, no.

- Pavlova. Great Barrier Reef.
- No. No.

- Uluru. Bondi.
- No. No.

"Australia", the film.

"Crocodile Dundee II".

- You win.
- There you go.

- And that's all I'm saying.
- Yeah. Okay.

No movement
to or from the warehouse

at this time.

Uh, let's stay alert, guys.
We know the target's good.

Just, uh... just gotta wait.

- That is amazing.
- What is?

Listen to this, "More fatalities occur"

"from cyclones and
hurricanes with female names"

"than those with male names."

It's like they don't take the...

you know, the female
ones as a serious threat.

It's almost like, you know,
"Oh! Cyclone Helen's on its way."

"Oh! Oh, Helen might come over.
She might, you know..."

"She might mess up my hair.
It'd be nice to see her, but..."

Hurricane Rodney, he's like,
"Right. Rodney's on his way!"

"He is angry!
Everybody downstairs, now!"

See, that is completely in
the same vein as what happened

with me and that man
that I tasered to death.

Completely.

Sorry, hang on. So... this
is related to that, is it?

I think so, because I wasn't
taken seriously as a female.

- I wanted to be taken seriously.
- Um, yep.

I'm pretty sure you're
taken seriously now.

- Especially by all the men here.
- Okay.

"Don't park in April's spot."

"Look, there she is, 'Crazy Tasey'."

So it's, like, yeah, "'The Cock Taser'."

I mean, I don't...
I don't condone it, but...

Pretty funny play on words.

Some of them.

Anyway, I thought that
was an interesting article.

- What's up?
- Forgot to feed the dog.

What dog? You don't have a dog.

- Haven't I told you about this?
- Since when?

Get a load of this.

- I'm down at Bunga'schop-shop, right?
- Oh, yeah.

There's this dog hanging around.

He's looking for food scraps or
something in the bins, you know?

Beautiful-looking dog. Weimaraner.

Gorgeous dog, right?

I walk him home.

Number's on the collar. Ring the number.

Family comes down.
Nice enough family, you know?

Sweet-looking family, you know?

Father's probably, I don't
know, an accountant or something.

Two kids. Nice young kids, you know?

So they're pretty happy to see Brisket.

Brisket. That was his name, right?

This guy pulls out his
wallet. Hundred bucks.

I said, "No, please. I don't
want the hundred bucks."

"You know, just trying to do
the right thing here. It's okay."

He says, "I insist. I want
you to take the hundred bucks."

It's a bit embarrassing.
So I look at the kids.

I say, "No, kids, you know,
I didn't do this for a reward."

"I did this because I feel that
this is the right thing to do."

"I wanna live in a world where
people just do the right thing"

"because they feel it's
the right thing to do."

Little sort of Martin
Luther King type speech.

He's still waving the
hundred in front of me.

You know? Almost insulting me.

I said, finally, "Okay,
I'll take the hundred."

"I feel bad about it, but I'll
take the hundred." Off they go.

About a week later...

what do I see
on this telegraph pole?

- "Reward, dog lost..."
- Brisket. Brisket.

- Brisket.
- Yeah, right.

300.

You weren't gonna take the hundred.

That's not the point.
It's the principle.

I'm down 200 bucks.

So I go round to his
place three nights later

and I steal the fuckin' dog.

Did you want a dog?

N... No, not particularly.

But he's a beautiful dog. I love him.

You know, your American films
have got a lot to answer for,

because, you know... I mean, YOU
know it's not like the movies.

It's a lot of this.
Lot of just sitting, waiting.

You know, just waiting.

If you knew why I was here,

you wouldn't think this was boring.

- Why are you here?
- Don't worry about it.

A Mexican drug cartel?

Or a Colombian drug cartel?

Just sniff if it's Mexican.

If it's Colombian, just do nothing.

- So it's Mexican?
- I didn't say that.

- No, you didn't.
- No, I literally didn't.

- Okay, so it's Colombian?
- I didn't say that.

No. You didn't.

- What I'm telling you...
- Yeah.

Is I didn't tell you anything.

No, you didn't, and
that's what I'm saying.

- Mm-hm. I know you didn't.
- Good.

- 'Cause you're acting like I did.
- No, I'm not.

If I was gonna tell anybody,

I wouldn't tell you because I
don't trust you with a secret

'cause I don't think you're
smart enough to keep it.

That's right.

'Cause I'm not a police officer.

No, you are a police officer.
Or you're a detective.

Yes.

I think you're a real
low-level detective.

And I don't think you could
handle the kind of information

that I have.

Do you get what I'm saying?

Yeah.

Car 72, please report.

Yes, Car 72. No activity.

No activity. Copy that.

And we're gonna get
pregnant, okay, right?

And I just thought,

"This is it. Give her a
child, make her happy."

The next minute, before I know it,

she's telling me about
this pilot-semen bank.

I think, okay, this is
our fourth time round now,

and we're using a cup of
her dead husband's semen.

- Right...
- Mmm.

I mean, is it wrong
that I think it is okay

to use a cup of another man's
semen to impregnate my wife?

What does it say about me?

I mean, what kind of man am I, hmm?

I mean, I would do that out of love,

but I... I... I'm a man.

You know, my son's gonna
be there looking at me

with his same hairline as Charles

and those fantastic teeth.

Just... Is that part of me?

But I'm okay. Or am I? Hmm?

Ha! That's what I'm saying.

I don't know if I'm okay with it.

But I'm gonna do it
all the same, you know?

We've just got a whole
milk tray of cups lined up.

- Bang, bang, bang!
- Mmm-hmm.

- Obviously, we're not gonna drink them.
- No, I know.

Sorry!

It's just one of those
magic memories, you know?

Completely, yeah.

- What was his name?
- James.

- Good name.
- 20. Just got his license.

- I can't believe I'm telling you this.
- Hmm!

Anyway, he... he came and
picked me up in his car.

It was a classic EH Holden, you know.

And, um, we were driving around

and Rod Stewart was
playing on the radio.

Nice.

And then we went up to, um...
oh, yeah, up to Kissing Point.

Mmm!

And, um, he was so nervous.

One thing led to another,

and we, you know,

we had intercourse.

He was so... he was
just, like, so thankful.

And then I... I realised, you know,

it was the first time
he'd seen a woman's flesh.

Was he a virgin?

Oh, wow!

And, you know, I was sort of, like,

"Wow. A couple of hours
ago, you were a virgin."

"And now, you're...
you know, now you're a man."

And I was there. I was a part of that.

Like, I witnessed that. I was... Yeah.

So it'll always be a special memory.

- Just...
- Completely.

I wonder where James is now.

I'd say he'd probably
still be at laser tag.

Sorry, so this was, like, recently?

Two or three weeks ago.

Oh, wow. Okay.

- I mean, he's not The One or anything.
- No.

I mean, he's at laser tag.

I think that says a lot.

Yeah.

But, yeah, special.

Car 72, please report.
Car 72, please report.

Uh, Car 72, no activity. Thanks, April.

I met April.

You met April?

- I met April when I first got in.
- Did you?

Me, April and, uh, the older lady.

- Carol?
- Carol.

They showed me to my actual hotel
and we... Yeah.

- And there at the bar, and Carol left.
- Ah.

And April and I...

I guess she gave me the official
Australian, uh, greeting.

I fucked her.

Don't tell her that I told you.

- April? April?
- April.

- In the bathroom. Yeah.
- From Dispatch?

- Blonde hair...
- Yeah.

She's, like, sucking my dick.
I'm like, "What the...?"

I go, "Honey, I'm gonna pop.
I'm gonna pop. I'm gonna pop."

- I'm not gonna lie...
- I'm gonna get some Chinese food.

You want some Chinese
food? Do you want anything?

- Sure.
- Yeah? What would you like?

I don't care. Some sort of
chicken dish. Not too spicy.

Okay. Uh, I'll be back in a minute.

I'll just finish this story really fast.

And a beef in
the black bean sauce, please.

- And, uh...
- Sichuan.

- Sichuan?
- Sichuan.

- You want the beef?
- Yeah.

And, uh,
one serve of Sichuan beef.

Uh... Oh, no, no. Spicy.

No, no takeaway. I can be pick up.

Thank you very much.

Mate, that's...
that's pretty racist, mate.

Why?
I was... I mean, I...

I mean, what do you mean? I
order Indian, Thai, Italian...

You do all the accents?

Well, it just makes it simple.

And to be honest, I think, you
know, it's appreciated if...

gotta make a special effort.

I welcome all cultures.

What, by doing funny voices?

You think that voice was funny?

You're the racist.

- Can I take this?
- Yeah.

See you in 10 minutes.

Don't... don't do the accent
when you go there, mate.

You're the racist, mate.

I am not.

Am I?

Intelligence
suggests that the big boss

may arrive at the warehouse
sometime in the next 48 hours.

Let's coordinate all units
to converge here asap.

Basically, he pulled what
you thought was a weapon

and then you shot him, yeah?

- Bingo.
- Terrif. Okay.

I'll fill in all those
other blanks later.

We should do more of this.

Fantastic, yeah. Give us a cuddle.

Oh. No, look, that's fine.

Um... listen, about your, um...

I hope you don't mind me saying this,
but I think you might...

It might be a good idea
for you to see a therapist

or a counsellor or someone, you know?

- But that's what you are.
- No, I'm not.

What are you?

I'm from the courts.

- What?
- I'm just a...

I'm a clerk from the courts.

I've got to file an independent report

on the shooting.

That's why I'm here.

Oh, that's bloody lovely, isn't it?

Ha! I've been sitting here just
pouring all my shit out to you.

- And you were writing it down.
- No, I wasn't.

- Rub that shit out!
- It won't go in the report.

I'm just doing a report on the shooting.

Everything about you says 'counsellor'.

What says 'counsellor' about me?

Your demeanour. Your...

The way you had me in the
foetal position on the couch.

You put yourself in the foetal position.

- You gave me tissues.
- I never gave you tissues.

I am outraged over this, right?

I haven't even told my
partner any of this stuff.

You... Shit.

Ah. Uh...

Ah! Mate, you wouldn't happen to
have 20 cents you could give me?

- I'm... I'm short by 20 cents.
- Oh, yeah.

- It's ridiculous.
- There's a dollar. Keep the change.

Thank you very much. Let me give you...

Give it as a tip. Honestly.

- All right. Thanks.
- Yeah.

Thank you.

Thanks, Tony.

I'll just get this.

You getting away?

Holiday or road trip or...?

- Oh, yeah. Uh... Road trip.
- Ah.

Yeah, with the old man.

We're heading up to Emerald,

on the Sapphire Coast,
just north of Woolgoolga.

- Oh, lovely.
- Yeah, well.

10 hours in the car with
your old man's, you know...

- Sometimes, uh...
- Backseat driver?

Well, front-seat driver.
He insists on driving.

Insists on talking
every step of the way.

If I had a dollar for every kilometre

of good advice I got from the old man,

I'd be a multimillionaire.

Oh, mate, tell me about it.

I'm heading home. Just been
away with the wife and kids.

Oh, it's school holidays, isn't it?

- Yeah, it is.
- Easter holidays.

Yeah, that's right. We've gotta
get the kids back to school.

And, um, oh, my God,
it's just... relentless.

You know, "Mehmehmehmeh," in the back.

And "Mehmehmehmeh!
You missed the turn-off."

You're just,
"April, settle down. Back off."

- How many kids you got?
- Two. Twins. Yeah.

- Eight years old.
- Yeah, right.

Jeff and Donna.

Older names, but they're family names.

Yeah, right, from the family.

And, you know, it's lovely
and God bless family,

but every now and
then, it's all I can do

to stop myself from swerving
into oncoming traffic.

- You know?
- I know.

If I had the freedom I had
when I was single, you know?

If I could bottle that. I never
knew what I had when I had it.

You don't know what you've got
till it's gone.

That's true.

But family, you've gotta love 'em.

It's everything. Family is everything.

I mean, was it Mother Teresa who said

if you wanna work towards world peace,

just go home and love your family.

- She said that?
- Yeah.

She didn't have any kids.

No, no, she was a nun.

But she had, you know, her orphanage.

She saw a lot of...
That's why they called her Mother.

Like Michael Jackson.
The world's just kind of family.

Yeah, yeah, it wasn't
a biological thing...

- Yeah, right.
- Is the point.

Xie xie.

Well, all the best with the old man.

Thanks for the, uh...

- Don't mention it.
- 20 cents.

- All the best.
- See you.

Thank you very much.

Is this the kung pao? Extra spicy?