No Activity (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Dig a Hole - full transcript

Car 72, no activity.

Can't believe you
didn't get me anything.

I offered you these.

I told you I don't eat that shit.

I don't eat that low-grade
petrol station shit.

It's not shit. The guy, he told
me his brother brings them in.

They're, like, pork
and fennel or something.

He's a farmer. He brings them
in every day, they're fresh.

They're really good.

- All right, gimme one.
- Mmm.

That's fucking horrible!



Gotcha!

They're shit.

- You're a dickhead.
- Yeah.

Why would you do that?

Mate, lips and arseholes are
gourmet compared to that shit.

Oh, fuck off.

Imagine the worst parts of the
animal just mixed in together.

That's inside you now.

Yeah.

You're...

Operation Big Red,

continuing surveillance at the docks.

We've got two known associates

holed up at the shipping container.



Car 72, continuing surveillance.

Eh? Do you like it?

Just stop it, mate.

The middle woman.

- Fuckin' stop it!
- I won't stop it! It's good!

Yeah! Up and down... and up.

How good are drones?!

Basically, you can
do anything with them.

It's the future, mate.
The future is a drone.

You're taking out civilians.
Pew-pew-pew-pew!

It's like computer games.

Just sit on your couch
and bloody take over

a bloody nation of innocents.

Yeah? You don't like a drone?

What does a drone actually do

besides being a miniature helicopter?

Exactly, that's it!
Imagine having a bloody miniature...

That's the point!

It's a miniature
helicopter at your disposal

to do whatever you want with, you idiot!

- So what?
- Who wouldn't want one?!

- You wouldn't want that?
- What can they do?

They can spy.

You know you've got, like,
a bloody hot neighbour?

Just over the fence, have a look.

Hello, having a sunbake. Uh-oh.

You get it back on your phone.

A little message. Beep-beep!

And you check out her beep-beeps.

You don't see the future, do you?
You don't see.

This is like a bloody
crystal ball in front of me.

I don't understand how you can't
realise the potential of this.

- Shut up!
- I will not shut up!

Shut up! Shut up!

Fine, then.

You're not in on the deal.
I was gonna let you in early, but...

It's the future, fuckface!

Get the... Hey!

Car 72, please report.

Car 72, please report.

Car 72. No activity, April.

- Great, thanks.
- You okay then?

- Yep. Yep, fine.
- Oh, that's good.

Uh, yep.

Sounded a bit awkward.

- Yeah, is a bit.
- How was the date?

I thought you said the date went well.

The date went awesomely.
But she's blocking me.

I'm texting, I'm texting, I'm calling.

Nothing on the radio.
Like, she's an ice queen on the radio.

I don't know what happened.

It was, like, in the top
two best dates of my life.

Maybe number one.
It was maybe number one.

He's constantly calling.

I would have thought
he'd be too embarrassed.

Like, why would he
wanna relive any of it?

Like, let's pretend it didn't happen.

So I take her to
an old-school classy restaurant.

- I take her to Werriston's.
- Ahh. Lovely.

Yeah. You know, not
flashy. Not 'fusion'.

I'm a full gentleman. I
take her chair out, you know.

I do the full thing, you know,
"You look lovely tonight."

- With the little bow like that?
- With the little bow.

It was like being on a date with my dad.

But, like, not even my dad.
Like, mygrandad.

- Do you know him very well?
- Not really.

He was really...

I guess it's gentlemanly,
but it was a bit weird.

Like, it was, like...

"These are the things you do on a date."

This couple a couple of
tables away have a proposal.

- Oh!
- Lovely.

- That doesn't happen every day!
- Not every day.

And the whole restaurant's
like, "Aww. Lovely."

I just got really
drunk to get through it.

And then the couple next to
us gets engaged. Whoop-de-do!

So I go, "Oh, look at
those young lovers."

And I think of a really painful
memory to bring up emotion.

I was thinking about when I was 13,

I was down at the yabby
hole and caught the...

Yeah, no, the fish hook in the nuts.

Yeah. And I get tears in my eyes,

I always do when I think of it too much,

and, like, a little spillover,
a little tear down the cheek.

- Open the floodgates!
- She doesn't know what I'm thinking.

But it looks like
I'm thinking about them.

And he starts crying.

- What?!
- It didn't seem... genuine, either.

It was kind of big, ugly crying.

And then to top that, I go,

"Garçon, a bottle of your
finest fizz for the happy couple."

- Generous. I can give.
- Yes.

And then at the end,
he doesn't offer to pay,

and so we go Dutchies.

And I've paid for half
of a bottle of champagne

for people I don't even care about.

We live in totally different
directions, but I insist.

- "Let's get a cab together."
- Oh, how gallant.

Yeah. Get back to her place.

- I'm tanked.
- Mmm.

He said, "I'll walk you in."

I went, "That'd be nice,
but do go off home."

"I'm pretty tired."

I'm walking up. Turn around,
he's paid, cab's gone.

So we get into my place
and I'm, like, suddenly...

Something hits me.
I gotta bolt to the bathroom.

And I am violently ill, like, both...

Like, violently ill
for about 15 minutes.

And I swear he could hear it.

- She's in there for, like, 15 minutes.
- Hoo!

Must be doing all the
bits and pieces, you know?

And I think, "Well,
she's making an effort."

"I should make an effort too."

So I take off my shoes,
take off my jacket,

you know, just loosen my belt
a little bit, sit on the bed.

So she comes out, right.
Joins me on the king-size single.

And we start making out.
And it's super passionate.

We're like... teenage kids.

It's really... you know,
just passionate and full of energy.

It was like a German shepherd.

His, like, tongue is
on my eye, in my ear.

- Ohh!
- Just all over.

I mean, I haven't
brushed my teeth, Carol.

And I think, "Let's
take this up a notch."

And I brought out the big guns.

You know I used to play the clarinet.

- Yeah.
- For years.

And still do occasionally.

I've heard you, yeah.
The Christmas parties.

Yeah, yeah, so you know I'm pretty good

with the puh-puh-puh...

With the tonguing and the...
Right? So I go downtown.

'Cause I'm, like, "Let's
show this lady a good time."

I don't know, he's, um,

talking some shit about
used to play the tuba,

and so it's his thing.

I, um, think I nodded off for a bit.

And then I, um, just pretended
to enjoy it and went to sleep.

Finished with a climax.

She's kinda sleepy,
relaxed, blissed out.

I'm, like, I don't ask
for anything in return.

- I'm all about giving.
- Nice.

Leave her there, like,
smooth over the bed.

I kiss her, just peck on the forehead.

"Goodnight, sweet lady."

- Wow!
- Yeah.

You just kicked that out of the park.

- I think so.
- I wish I could have half of that skill.

I'd say it was the worst
date ever, actually.

Bottom, bottom.

If you could teach me
a bit of that clarinet thing,

I could take that home to
Wendy and just... just win her.

Could we not talk about you
impregnating your sad wife?

Do we have to? Can I just have this?

Can we just leave this with me for now?

No sign of suspicious
persons at this time.

There's thousands of
shipping containers down here.

We've just gotta wait 'em out.

Who's that?

- Who is that?
- Doesn't matter.

- Got a girlfriend?
- No.

- Who is she?
- Shut up.

You got a picture? Show us a picture!

I don't need to show you a picture.

- Got any nude pictures?
- No, I've not got nude pictures.

- Show us the nude pictures...
- Hey!

She, uh...

She calls me 'Mr Positions'.

Why?

'Cause of all the manoeuvres I do.

Oh, yeah? Mr Kama Sutra, eh?

I can do all the bloody...
I can do all the styles.

Oh, yeah. What's your favourite?

- Freelance.
- Oh, right.

Just, like, any... any
position she wants me in,

I can bend to it.

There's only one or
two exceptions to that.

The ploughman's lunch?

I've never got into that one.

Never been a fan of a pickle.

- Splitting the bamboo?
- What?

- Crying monkey?
- Really? Is that a real one?

- The whispering frog?
- How does a frog whisper?

- They don't even have lips.
- Yeah, they do.

- Of course they've got lips.
- How do they whisper?

That is some hot stuff.

You ever done the... the blind man?

What's that?
You just turn out the lights?

Yes.

It's just in-the-dark style.

The crouching tiger.
The beamer. The mini minor.

Oh, I don't even know these things.

- I feel like an idiot.
- It's just young love.

We did the lamb cuntlet.

- The what?
- The lamb cuntlet.

Don't you mean 'cutlet'?

Cutlet?

Cuntlet. What are you saying?

I said 'lamb cutlet'.

Isn't a cutlet, like, a pirate thing?

Like, "Arggh, here's me cutlet"?

No, a cutlet's a type of lamb chop.

They cut down a full rack
of ribs and they create

the little individual
kind of meat lollipops.

I've been having cuntlets
at my nan's house for years.

We say 'cuntlet'.

She a bit deaf?

It's all right.

- You're nice, man.
- Oh...

Everyone's always like,
"Oh, you're the best, Glen."

You're not. You're kinda...
You're honest with me, you know?

You'll call a cuntlet
a cutlet and I like that.

- It's all right, mate.
- Stop it.

- Nah, it's all right.
- Stop it!

You guys there? Come in.

Yes. Jacob?

- Hi, it's Jacob from Port...
- Yes, Jacob from Port Security.

I know who it is.

I've come across a bag of white powder.

About 350g.

Where did you find it?

Out... Not in here. Outside the office.

You should probably
come and check it out.

You might be able to
shed a little light on it.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Yep, okay. Just wait there, Jacob.

I'll come down shortly.

Fuckhead!

Ah! Fuckin' hell. Jesus Christ.

- You okay?
- Yeah.

Because you're his father.

Thanks for nothing.

How'd you go?

- No good.
- No good. Nuh.

Refuses to take any
responsibility for his own son.

That's a shame, Carol.

Refuses to help me out when I need him.

You know, Lachy's been suspended.

I can't have him being home
by himself the whole time.

He's been suspended for a week.

- For... a week?
- Yeah.

So, there...

There was a bubbler.

And he's... mounted the bubbler.

Ah, right. Okay.

- For his own pleasure.
- Got that, yeah.

I mean, I just...
They're making a very big thing of it.

They've bloody cordoned
the whole area off.

- They've taped it up, you know?
- Oh, poor Lachy.

- That's a bit much.
- I know. Overreaction.

I've just walked straight
over to the bubbler

and I have drunk out of it

just to show everyone, there's
nothing wrong with the bubbler.

Treating it like he's damaged
school property.

Anyway, I'm just...

You know, and everyone
knows. All the kids know.

And they're...
You know, kids can be cruel too.

They can be. Oh, poor Lachy.

I know. Calling him names and stuff.

Aquanuts.

Bubble Boy.

H2Orgasm.

Fountain Fucker.

Oh, that... That is really hurtful.

- To Lachy.
- I'm so sorry.

I'm glad it's a source
of amusement for you.

It's not funny. I'm sorry, Carol.

- That's...
- Juvenile.

Sorry, Carol.

Jacob.

Holy shit.

You're better-looking than I thought.

Thank you. You had some white powder?

- Yes, I did.
- Okay.

Little bit of white powder.

Couple of eggs.

Cup of sugar.

And...

It's a cake.

It's a cake that says "Welcome Hendy"
and that said 'Stokes'

but the air conditioning's
broken so it's melted.

So you brought me down here
because you made a cake.

No.

My mum made a cake.

I think I told you to tell
nobody that we were here.

I didn't tell anyone that you were here.

Who made the cake?

My mum.

Your mum made the cake.

So you told your mum on the phone

we were here at the docks
on an undercover operation

when I specifically told you

not to tell anybody that we were here.

- It's just my mum.
- Bit annoyed.

It's not appropriate.
The cake's not appropriate.

- It's just a cake, mate.
- Don't call again.

I'll take the cake because it's here.

Welcome.

- Thank you.
- It's a pleasure.

It's not appropriate, but thank you.

Wasn't so hard, though, was it?

Okay.

Yep. Yeah, they loved it.

This is shit, isn't it?

It's all right.

- You know where I wish I was?
- Where?

- The States.
- Oh, yeah?

This country...
this country's gone to shit.

Why?

It's just negative
vibes everywhere you go.

I just don't feel supported
here as a criminal.

Here, you're taught to dream small.

I wanna dream big. I wanna go
over there and blow shit up.

You know when you just wanna bloody...

pull out a bloody Phillips head

and fuckin' stab 'em
in the fuckin' head!

- Yeah.
- You do, don't ya?

Yeah. And...
and you mention that around here

and half the time people just
wanna piss on your dreams.

But they freak out.
"Ooh, no! Bloody don't do that!"

It's pretty true. It's pretty
kinda small-scale, isn't it?

Just the whole vibe over
there's just supportive.

It's just one of...

I know this is gonna sound
weird, but it's... it's love.

- They just support your ideas.
- How do you mean?

Okay, so, like...

I pitched at a meeting.

A few months ago, I was gonna
go bloody blow up a casino.

Over here, okay.

All those naysayers are,
like, "No, you can't do that."

"Don't bloody blow up a casino."

- Tall poppy syndrome.
- Yeah, totally!

Over there, they're
just, like, "Go for it!"

"You blow up that fucking casino."

"You get in there,
you blow that fucker sky-high."

Follow your dreams.

You don't have your
dreams, what have you got?

Nothin'!

- You know what I mean?
- Yeah.

You're a little sweetheart, aren't ya?

- I've never been there.
- What?

Never been to the States.

Sorry, you've never been to the States?

- No.
- You've gotta go, mate.

Hey. Stop.

I'm gonna take you there right now.

- What do you mean?
- Close your bloody eyes.

- Close 'em.
- What?

Close your eyes.

Open your mouth.

- What?
- Just open your mouth. It's good.

I don't want to.

Come on. Come on, you'll like it.

Welcome to America.

- That was just a taste.
- Wow!

Still no sign of
shipments or suspects.

We sure we got the right dockyard?

Oops.

Ah! Oh, no.

Hmm?

Can you, um... Oh, what's that?

- Look out there for a second.
- Why?

Just... just give me
some privacy, will you?

Why?

Put the binoculars on
and look out the window.

Why?

Because you're my friend
and I'm asking you.

What's happening?

- Oh, Jesus, Stokes!
- It's all right.

- What is happening?
- I'm just taking a photo.

All right? For Pam.

- Are you having an affair?
- No!

No way.

I just met this... this
lady at the airport.

We got our bags mixed up on the
carriage. On the carousel thing.

We both went to grab the
same bag and hit heads.

We had a laugh.

And then we went back out,
we were at the taxi rank,

and I was looking around and I shuffled

and we hit heads a second time!

- Mm-hm.
- So we laughed again.

And anyway, she went to get in
a taxi and she stopped, right?

She turns around and she had
the courage to walk up to me

and give me her card.

At which point, you said,
"I'm sorry. I'm married."

- Well, no.
- No?

I just thought... how brave she was.

I mean, that...
that showed real courage.

And I... You know, I just think
that that should be rewarded.

So now you're sending her dick pics.

Well... yes.

It's what she asked for.

But, you know, there's
nothing sexual in it.

Isn't it? I'm sorry, I thought
dick pics were pretty sexual.

No! She's... Pam's 65.

65?!

All right, well, maybe for
her there is something sexual,

but for me, I'm just
rewarding her bravery.

And you get to send your dick to people

and not go to prison for it.

I just wanna live in a world
where that kind of... bravery

and beauty is rewarded.

We shut each other
down too much, you know?

She took a chance,
she put herself out there.

She was brave and I
think that was beautiful.

Oh, here we go.

- Ohh!
- Oh, Jesus Chri...

- Whoa!
- How did she get the...

Oh, yeah, this has gotta stop.

You know, I've gotta say,

you know, the boss's nephew,

a bit of a cock,

throws his weight around a bit,

misplaced sense of humour, perhaps,

bit of a silly billy,

big mouth,

you know, all talk,

dresses like a fool,

bald prick,

always getting his foot out
of his stupid... stupid mouth,

dumb moustache,

silly eyes.

When you kinda peel all that back,

you're actually...

actually a pretty special bloke.

I liked you immediately.

Yeah, I'm almost gonna miss you when...

when Bruce gets back.

Are you joking?

Yeah, when Bruce recovers
from the injuries.

- He's not coming back, mate.
- What do you mean?

Brucey's gone. He's bloody...

He's brain dead.

No, I heard he was shot in the leg.

No, no, no, mate.

And once he gets off the crutches...

No, no, mate. He's gone!

He's a full vegetable.
He's like a vegetable.

He's got the mind of
a bloody wilted parsnip

that's been sitting in the
bottom of the fridge too long.

He's all bloody bendy. He can't...

Like, sentence don't
come no good no more.

- Course he can.
- Nah, mate, he's gone.

His brain's gone to mush.
He's like overboiled broccoli.

You know your nanna? Remember
your nanna would make broccoli?

- Just boil it for years.
- Shut up.

For years and years, then
pour it onto the plate.

- Just shut up.
- It's lost its lustre.

It's not even a vegetable anymore.

It's nothing. He's nothing.
There's nothing left.

Just shut up.

He's like a Halloween
pumpkin left out in the rain.

Shut up.

The kids are around
going, "Give me lollies,"

but there's nothing in there,
there's nothing at home.

I mean, he's been
blanched into nothingness.

He's mush, mate. He's a complete vegie.

He's like flaccid celery.

Shut up, Glen.

There's nothing in
there, 'cause he's gone.

- He's like that weird juice...
- Shut up.

You know that stuff that you go,
"What the hell is that?!"

- Shut up, Glen.
- He's got minutes to live, mate.

He's gone. He's absolutely gone.

Guys, are you there?

Yes, Jacob. We've been
here all night. All night.

Are you hearing that? It's like a...

like a dull thudding sound.

Like a bag of potatoes being pushed...

slammed up against,
like, a metal surface.

You know what? I think we do hear that.

Um, okay. Well, listen.

We're gonna go investigate that sound

for possibly the next
two to three hours.

We're gonna need you
to keep the airwaves

completely silent while we do that.

But good work, Jacob. Please
give yourself a pat on the back.

- Yeah, all right, I will.
- Are you doing it now?

- Yep.
- Say it.

I'm giving myself a pat on the back.

It's stopped.