No Activity (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Deep Sea Fishing - full transcript

Car 72, no activity.

You always keep your
fingernails this long?

- Yeah. Why?
- Doesn't that drive you crazy?

No, I got lady fingernails.

Yeah, why, though?

Well, they match my... my fingers.

I've got piano fingers.

I didn't know you could play the piano.

- Oh, yeah.
- Really?

Yeah, I could.

I mean, I don't, but,
you know, it's genetic.



- If I wanted to, I could.
- Shut up. Here it is.

A man was shot at close range

in the CBD last night by
an unknown assailant.

That's you.

The victim, in his 50s,
was rushed to nearby...

That's right. Shot him.

Police are still yet to
release a statement,

but a witness did report
an elderly man...

- Elderly. High five.
- Fleeing the scene.

- More news in an hour.
- No. Get out.

I'm 48 years old.

No one teach you to high-five, Gramps?

- 48's the new 75.
- What are you talking about?

That's normally the other way around.



- But for you, it's the reverse.
- Yeah.

You know, witnesses don't
know what they see.

I agree with the eyewitness.
I saw you running to the car.

As stressed as I was in
the whole situation,

I couldn't help but stifle a laugh.

I thought, "Why has he chosen
this moment to do a funny walk?"

I wasn't doing a funny walk. I
was running inconspicuously.

Well, you have a very uneven gait.

Yeah, you were inconspicuous.
For a retiree.

- I was walking quickly.
- On his way to bingo.

With a catheter strapped to his leg.
Be right at home there.

I'll have you know that
I have a massive gait.

I actually had a physio

once tell me I have
hyper-extendable hips.

- Yeah, back in the '40s?
- Don't. Look, I'll show you.

- Can you do that?
- That means no...

I've got the steering wheel.
That means nothing.

Let me see you on the ground.
Just walk back...

- The reas...
- Give us a run to the bollard.

I could run to that bollard and back

before you could say,
"Lickety-dick-split."

- Do it. I'll time you.
- All right, I'll run over there.

- You see, now I'm warmed up.
- Yeah, okay.

See, before I wasn't. I'll go.
You ready? You time it.

Yeah, I'll time it. Wait, wait. Hang on.

Get to the 12. Hang on. And go!

- It's cold.
- Yeah, I know.

It's all right.

- It's all right.
- Don't touch me.

Have a little nap. I'll take this watch.

- You have a little nap.
- Don't patronise me.

You're a bit grumpy. That's all.

And sleepy.

- I'll shoot you in the face.
- Will you?

Gah, gah, gah, splash!

Huh? Swallow that age.

- Tastes like wisdom.
- Tastes like cobwebs.

Attention, all units.

Looks like our dockside tip-off is good.

Associates suspected
of awaiting delivery

in an unmarked shipping container.

Huh?

You know I'm better than this, yeah?
Fuck.

What is this shit?

- You know I'm the boss's nephew, yeah?
- Yeah.

- Yeah, I'm like one up from you.
- Uh-huh.

- I'm higher in rank.
- Yeah.

Bullshit.

Hanging around with you and
your bloody bung-eyed sadness.

What are you? What's wrong?
Are you sad? Are you sad?

- I am sad.
- I know. You look sad.

- Don't be sad.
- I am.

Don't. You don't have to be sad.

Talk it through.

- My best mate's in hospital.
- Fuck.

And his life's hanging on a thread.

Yeah.

There's been an attempted assassination

by some... old, old man.

- Soon to be a dead old man.
- Yeah.

Painting my nanna's at the moment.

- Do you love your nanna?
- Yeah.

Well, I didn't know her very well,

but... I've seen pictures.

- Do you love the pictures?
- Yeah.

It's weird, isn't it?

You don't know your nanna,

but you can love the
memory of your nanna.

Yeah.

You ever had a nanna wank?

What?

You get confused. It can turn into...

Like, any moment can
turn sexual, you know?

Are you circumcised?

What kind of question's that?

Car 72. No activity.

Copy that. No activity.

If I flatter a woman,

is that sexual harassment now?

- Mmmm.
- Is that...

It is if she's not interested in you.

- What if...
- G'day, this is Jake.

From Port Pamibula Security.

Yes, Jacob. Uh, I remember
you from three minutes ago.

Just wanted to report

that there seems to be,

uh, an unusual gathering of seagulls.

There's no need to
panic regards species,

but this is definitely
out of the ordinary

vis-a-vis the number.

I don't think I've seen...

Hold on.

Nuh. Yep. Now there's, like...

Six more have just landed.

This is a properly unusual
gathering of seagulls here

on the... on the eastern dock there.

Would you like me to
go investigate, over?

Hey, Jacob, remember
when we first got here

and we told you to
pretend we're not here

and go about your work, over?

Yeah. I said, "Come and
have a cup of tea."

And you guys were like,
"Nah, we're busy."

Yeah, yeah, we are busy.

And we said, you know,
just to go about your work

and just pretend we're not here.

Yep. Yep. Yep. Copy that.

Um... uh, you also stipulated...

I remember... I wrote it down.

Um, you said, "Report anything
out of the ordinary."

Yes, a flock of seagulls
probably doesn't meet

that, uh, prerequisite.

Let's just keep the airwaves clear.
Thanks, Jacob.

All right, seagulls are on the list.

Strange whistling sounds and seagulls.

Yes, because, remember,
strange whistling sounds

was the wind, we decided, didn't we?

Yeah. Probably.

We'll talk soon. Let's, um...
Let's get this done.

Let's get... let's wrap this up.

All right. Over and out. Till next time.

Told you we shouldn't have told them.

Mmmmm.

Mmmmm. That was the octave.

Mm, it was, yeah.

Guys, are you still there?

Yeah, Jacob here from Port Security.

Just letting you know
those seagulls have...

They've all moved on now.

Pretty much dispersed. 80% of 'em gone.

All right, Jacob. Thanks, mate.
You keep up the good work.

Don't thank him. Don't
thank him for anything.

- Why?
- You're encouraging him.

Confirming the shipment
has entered Australian waters

carrying the target, concealed
inside the coffee crates.

Shouldn't be too long now.

So what made you choose Dispatch?

- Oh, you don't... you don't know?
- No.

There was an... an... an incident

which required me to be placed
elsewhere in the force.

Oh, shit.

It was with a taser actually.

What? Were you injured?

What happened in the end

is that I tasered a man
and he passed away.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

Um, what sort of weapon did he have?

I don't think he had a weapon.

It was more just like a really
bad attitude and he was a man.

And I just don't think
he took me seriously.

They were trying to regenerate
some of the grass in the area.

It was just my job to go,
"Yeah, please take the path."

So it came to a head
because I was saying,

"Sir, can you please walk around?"

And he... He was like, "No, fuck off.
I'm..."

I mean, he probably didn't
even say, "Fuck off."

I can't actually remember,
but his energy was all...

He started coming towards
me, and he was kind of...

So that... I think that's the
point when I got out the taser

and I just said, "Sir, stand back."

"Do not touch this grass.
Do not step a foot on it."

And he said, "What are you gonna
do, throw your lipstick at me?"

And I said, "That's it."
And then I tasered him.

And I...

I don't know why, but I
just held on the button.

Because I wanted to be so sure

that I wasn't gonna come
up against him again.

And so then I let it go and
then he was unresponsive.

But it was just one of those days.
It's like, don't...

You know those days, Carol.
It's like, "Don't push me."

It's certainly a day
that you won't forget.

My fianc? left me that day,

so I will not be forgetting
that any time soon.

- Because of the tasering?
- No.

No. It was, uh... Actually no.

He left me that morning.

He told me that he'd been
having an affair that morning

and, um, so we ended it and then
a couple of... hours later...

I mean, the tasering was unrelated.

It was an unrelated event.

It was unrelated.

Come on.

I'm not telling you whether
I'm circumcised or not.

Share and share alike.

Look, there's no hard and
fast rules to circumcision.

Just tell me.

- Yes, I'm circumcised.
- I knew it.

How?

Just a vibe.

- Yeah.
- Are you circumcised?

- I dunno.
- How don't you know?

I just don't know. I've never really...

Never really looked
into it, kind of thing.

Well, have you got a bell
end, have you got a knob end?

Or have you got a foreskin?

- I don't...
- Have you got a helmet there?

Or is there a bit... a bit of
skin covering your helmet?

Like a sausage? Like
the end of a sausage?

It's just, like, um...

It's kind of in between, I guess.

Didn't you talk to your mum about it?

Have you ever spoken to a doctor?

My mum's not a doctor.

Maybe, um, you could give us a look?

Let me know what's going on down there.

I'm not showing you my dick.

Look at mine.

Just tell me what's going on.

I'm not looking at your dick.

Just give us a little look.

I'm not gonna look at your cock, mate.

- I'll then leave you alone.
- I'm not looking at your dick.

We can make this a thing

that will go on all bloody night then.

Help a mate out.

I'm your boss.

You technically have to do it.

Please. Please, man, please.

I've always wondered.

Please.

It'd mean a lot to me, yeah?

I didn't grow up with brothers.

Just a really, really quick look.

- Okay.
- Just flash it to me.

- I can make up my mind.
- Okay.

And then you're gonna put it away, yeah?

- I'm ready. Get in there.
- Yeah.

Three, two, one. In you go.

You little pervert.
You were gonna do it.

- Get stuffed.
- You were fully gonna look.

- You're the pervert.
- You're the pervert.

You were gonna whip
out your dick for all and sundry.

You were gonna look.
I wasn't gonna whip it out.

"Everyone, inspect my
dick, inspect my dick."

- Get the fuck out of there.
- Hey.

You ARE circumcised.

I'm actually... I'm actually
fine with it. I'm fine with it.

Car 72, please report.

- Car 72, please report.
- Hey, mine.

- Car 72. No activity.
- Thank you, Hendy.

Actually, um, there is a
little bit of activity

with my heart rate when I
hear your voice, April.

Car 72. Protocol.

- Nothing, no activity.
- Are you serious?

- Oh, come on.
- That was pathetic.

- I know.
- What's all that about?

Well, I thought about what
you said about April,

her voice sounding nice, looked
her up on the old social media.

- Oh, stalker.
- Yeah.

Hot!

Yeah. Worth stalking.

Whoo. Get your lips around that.

But what was that?

That was a whole lot of shit
falling out your mouth.

I planned it out.
It sounded so much better...

I'm just bad on the phone.

I'm good in the room, bad on the phone.

Yes, yes. I will say...

I'm the opposite. I'm like...

On the phone, I can
have girls like that,

like hook 'em, 'cause I have
these dulcet tones in my voice.

It's just when they get to know me,

it falls apart pretty quick.

Mmm.

I will help you out. I'm April.

No, you're not.
No, we're not doing that.

- Just... go with me.
- No. No, I'm not going with you.

What else are we gonna do?
Look where we are.

Come on.

- All right.
- All right.

Hey, sexy. How are you?

No. I can't. Not with your face.

I can't think about her looking at that.

Imagine her head on my
shoulders just for a second.

No, it's horrible, it's horrible.
Forget it.

All right. Okay. Look.

Ah. All right. Here.

- Oh, come on.
- Just go with me.

Hey, sexy. How are you?

That's ridiculous. She doesn't
speak like a chipmunk.

Oh. Hey. Hey, sexy.
How are you?

That's too low. Just
do your normal voice.

Hey, sexy, how are you?

- Go back to the first one.
- What, the high one?

- High one.
- Hey. Hey, sexy. How are...?

Down.

- Up. Start from the top.
- Hey!

Where are you? Come down.

Down. Down. There.

- Ah.
- That's fine.

- Hey, Hendy. What's going on?
- Yep. Hey!

Hey, April.

Um... Car 72, no activity.

- Oh. Okay, 'bye.
- No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait.

- I... wanted to just say hi.
- Yeah.

I wondered if I... How is
your employment thus far?

It's fine. It's fine. What's going on?
Why are you ringing?

Oh, I'm just socially, casually...

- Mmm.
- Um, requesting...

- Yes?
- Uh, perhaps...

- Get to the point.
- Uhhh...

- If you'd like a beverage?
- Ooooh!

- A social beverage?
- Ooh, you sound nice.

- I'd like that. Be nice.
- Well, thank you.

- I...
- What else?

What else? Well, we could see...
Perhaps have a meal.

Oh. A meal? This is sounding
strangely like a date.

Are you asking me out on a date?

Well, uh, if you wanna
formally call it that.

You ARE asking me out on a date.

- Sure.
- Oh, that's... Hang on.

You're... This is, uh...
No, no, no. Hang on.

I barely know you. This is
harassment in the workplace.

Do you wanna have sex with me?
Is that what this is?

Oh, Carol, this is not on.

Hendy's harassing me in the workplace.

- Phone call's over. Click.
- "Ah, Your Honour."

"Detective Hendy"

"has been harassing April
in the workplace."

"No, I haven't. I didn't
say I wanted sex."

"I just asked her out on a movie."

"Oh, guilty."

- Didn't go too well, did it?
- Nup.

Got this shit?

No?

- Jimmy's a shit name.
- Hmm?

What's your real name? Is it James?

Jimmy or Jim.

Were you born James?

Yeah, my birth certificate, yeah.

- It's a nice name.
- Oh, thank you.

Stay James. Just be James. It's good.

Well, I've always been called Jimmy.

Yeah, but James is,
like, more dignified.

Know what I mean? Like,
come up to my level.

I'm not, like, you know,
the Prince of Denmark.

- Who?
- Sounds a bit...

I dunno. Like French
royalty or something.

- In Denmark? The French?
- I dunno.

I dunno.

Yeah. Jimmy. It sounds like a dog.

"Jimmy."

"Jimmy. Here, Jimmy."

"Stop humping me leg, Jimmy."

I'm not a dog, mate.

They call me the bubble man.

The what?

- The bubble man.
- And why's that?

Bubblegum. It's my calling card.

So I stick the bubblegum

under a bit of furniture, just randomly.

Could be any piece of furniture,

and forensics get in
there and they're like,

"The bubble man was in."

The bubble man.

Don't you think that's
a little bit... unwise,

given that you're basically...

giving them a sample of your DNA?

Shut up, James.

Humour. That's what you're
missing, mate. Too desperate.

All right. Jokes. Tell her a joke.
Got any jokes?

- I've only got one joke.
- Well, tell it.

Where did Hitler keep all his armies?

- Where?
- Up his sleevies.

Too soon.

Look, here. Here's a joke.

Two vomits walking down the street.

- Stop.
- Why?

Disgusting and visually confusing.

How are the vomits
walking down the street?

Well, they're sliding down the street.

- That's... It's irrelevant, okay?
- Have they got legs?

- Well, no, they're on their fluids.
- Okay.

All right. Two vomits
fluiding down the street.

They get to the corner.
One of them drops to his knees.

He's completely emotional,

and the other vomit
says, "Are you okay?"

He says, "Yeah. It's just that I
was brought up on this corner."

Nup.

We've got no sign of the
target shipment at this time.

Uh, all points, hold position.

- G'day, guys. You still there?
- Yes, Jacob.

Yeah, this is Jacob from Port Security.

Uh, there's been 30 minutes
now since we last spoke.

And there's been really an
unusual absence of activity.

I was wondering is that the sort
of thing you'd be interested in?

No, that's not out of the ordinary.

It's in no way useful to us.
Thank you, Jacob. Over and out.

I just... I'm finding it hard.

I wanna be... I wanna be a
good member of this team.

I mean, I'm your tool down here.

- You are a tool, yes.
- I'm your eyes on the dock.

And it would help if I knew
what I was looking for.

No, you're not
looking for anything, mate.

Terrorism? Drugs?

Look, I understand that
you can't compromise

your investigation by
telling me the exact nature

of what you're looking for,
but I've had a thought.

I'll say 'terrorism'

and if you don't say
anything for five seconds,

then I will know it's terrorism.

So I say 'terrorism'.

Five seconds silence, then
it's terrorism, okay?

Here we go. Terrorism.

- Jacob, we can't disclose...
- Whoa, okay.

So it's not terrorism. Terrorism.

Well, we're not
saying either way.

- Okay, so...
- No, we haven't established...

I know. I get it.

- Do you?
- Yeah. Okay.

Um... All right.

So if it's human trafficking,
like boat people,

um, sniff twice.

Human trafficking.

- Jacob, I...
- I couldn't hear.

I couldn't hear, sorry.
Something went past the window.

- Be quiet for a second.
- Yep.

Uh, I'm not gonna
disclose to you what it is.

- No, I know, mate.
- At all.

I know. I got it.

Not terrorism. Not boat people. Right.

Okay, so if it's impo...

imports of exotic birds,

like parrots or, um, or certain terns...

Listen, Jacob. Um...
God, I love talking to you.

It's almost too much fun. Um... So...

- Meat products?
- No.

- Fireworks?
- Yeah, it is fireworks.

- It's fireworks.
- No, it's not.

It is. Keep an
eye out for fireworks.

Oh, it's good that
we got some banter going.

I think it's probably pretty
good for team dynamics.

Yeah.

- It's not fireworks, is it?
- Definitely fireworks.

Do keep an eye out for fireworks.

Let us know if you see any fireworks.
Thanks, Jacob.

All right. Keeping an eye
out for fireworks.

Stokes. Stokes.

Did you hear that?

No.

- I thought someone shot something.
- No.

- Can you do that without the noise?
- Yeah.

Or better still, maybe do your job.

Like I'm doing.

You know, I'm on stand-by.

- I'm ready to go.
- Right, sorry.

Just a bit boring when
there's just nothing...

There's nothing happening. Okay.

I was trying to use
that time... productively.

All right, I'm gonna do it.

- What?
- I'm gonna do it.

- No, don't go off...
- Yes, I'm gonna do it.

- You're half cocked.
- No, I don't listen to you.

You put me off with your stupid shit.

You're not good with women.
I'm good with women.

You look away.

- Heed my advice.
- No advice.

- Look away. Look away.
- No.

Don't look at me while I do this.

I mean, it's been about
three hours since a call.

Does anything really
ever happen here much?

Or is it a lot of this?

There is a lot of this.

I'll be honest.

This is Car...

This is Car 72. Come in, over. Car 72.

Car 72. This is Carol.

You got...

Carol, could you please put April on?

No. Why?

Uh, because there is something
of a personal nature

that, uh, we need to discuss.

Of a... Just put her on, please.

And don't listen to it, please.

- Pull out. Pull out.
- This is too... Shut up.

Just look away!

Look away.

April speaking.

April. It's Hendy here.

Um...

How are you?

Fine, thanks.

I just wanted to let you know

that the ship has been delayed,

so will be in for a
bit of a longer wait.

Shut the fuck up.

Yeah, okay.

And also, um...

How are you?

Sorry. Sorry, did you...

Do you want something? 'Cause...

Two vomits were walking down the street

and one of the vomits
became very emotional

and fell to his knees.

And the other vomit...
He started crying.

And the other vomit
said, "What's wrong?"

And the crying vomit said,
"I was brought up on this corner."

That's funny. That's good.

It's important to laugh, isn't it?

You see a lot of fluids on the job.

And, uh, if you don't
laugh, you'll, uh...

you'll develop cancer.

Yeah.

Uh...

Yes, I've known some people with cancer,

and that's certainly not funny.