No Activity (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript
Car 72. No activity.
How was your weekend?
It's Wednesday.
Is it? Jesus.
You still angry about the dolphin?
What dolphin? Oh, oh, oh.
This enormous, giant, concrete dolphin
in the back of our unmarked police car?
No. Why would I be unhappy about that?
I just don't understand.
As my best friend, I
would have thought you'd...
Can we not say "best friend"?
We probably are or were
or whatever. But we...
We're not little kids. We
don't have to say "best frie..."
I don't have a favourite colour.
- Blue.
- I don't have a favourite food.
- Sushi.
- I do like sushi.
- It's your favourite food.
- We're not 7-year-old girls.
So can we not say,
"You're my best friend"?
Oh, no one is gonna think
there is anything conspicuous
about having a plaster of Paris
dolphin in the back of our car.
We could just be two random,
eh, marine biologists...
Yeah. Yeah. We could be.
But we could be two detectives
on their way to a stake-out,
and one of them made the other one stop
because he saw a hard
rubbish council clean-up.
The first detective was like,
"No, no, no, that's
really unprofessional"
"and we really actually
need to get to work."
Two criminals could see
us in the car and think,
"Oh, look, there's two cops just
sitting there on a stake-out."
"But, hang on, no. Because
there's a dolphin in the back."
The dolphin saves it.
Yeah.
Continuing Operation Big Red.
Several suspect locations being
staked out throughout the city.
Settle in, everyone. We're
playing the waiting game.
- If you were a Siamese twin...
- Here we go.
Which, uh... which hand
would you masturbate with?
Whichever hand
connected to my head.
If I were the right head,
I'd go the right hand.
Well, would you, though?
Or would it be like...
If you used the other, it would
be like it was someone else.
- It would be more exotic.
- Would it be?
Wouldn't you have to ask
the other head's permission
if you wanted to use their arm?
"Would you mind jerking us off?"
No, I think the other head would realise
at the same time that
you had the thought.
They don't share a brain.
Yeah, but, like, there
would be, you know,
that kind of sensation
comes from somewhere else.
So probably would have been
a slight arousal downstairs.
Both the heads would be
going, "Oh, it's on here."
- Not necessarily.
- "Who's gonna get hold of this?"
- It'd be a race.
- Yeah.
Car 72, please report.
- Speak up a bit.
- Speak? Um...
Car 72, please report.
Uh, this is Car 72. No
activity. Who's that?
This is April. I'm in
Dispatch with Carol.
It's her first day, guys.
Oh. April. Well, welcome.
This is, uh, Detective Hendy.
Uh, Detective Stokes.
Welcome aboard, April.
Maintaining surveillance on
seemingly empty warehouse.
We are Car 72 and look forward to
checking in with you in the future.
- Should we do it?
- Mmm.
Actually, April, stand by.
There is a bit of activity.
- Oh, no. He's...
- What?
Sorry?
- Sorry, Car 72. What?
- Backup! Backup!
Sorry, I'm not quite catching
you. Are you... Car 72?
Carol?
Um... Car 72?
Car 72, please grow up.
- Sorry. Sorry, Carol.
- Sorry, Carol.
- Sorry, April.
- Fuck's sake.
She sounds nice, doesn't she, huh?
- No. No.
- Come on.
- I could...
- No, you can't.
You think you're some kind
of Cupid and you're not.
- I won't be set up by you again.
- Oh, come on.
And I don't want a nice April.
I want a filthy April.
- Hmm.
- Is what I want.
I want, like, a, you know,
come home at 3am after a shift
and just go, "I don't
care if you're asleep."
I wanna like her. I want her hot.
Fecund. Like a Parisian.
With a bit of medieval...
Like a hot summer. Like, I'm sweating.
I don't know what fluids are
coming out of here. Oh, yeah.
- You wanna throw your fluid...
- Yeah.
- The... Hmm?
- Car 72.
You're still on.
Uh... Yeah, sorry, Carol.
Just, uh...
Uh, just kidding.
Car 72 out.
You fuckhead.
- I had it resting on my thigh.
- Did you?
I just... It's the way I hold the radio.
- Gimme... That's no more radio for you
- Just... I am sorry
She might have liked it.
Everyone is someone's type.
Oh, fu-u-u-uckin' shut up.
Uh, Customs has uncovered
a small amount of methamphetamines
encased in coffee beans out of Colombia.
We've got several warehouses
under surveillance.
Uh, we're hoping the boys are
taking the drop at one of them.
Hey.
- What are you doing?
- Shut up.
Shut up.
You know, one thing I
can't abide is treachery.
- I know. I know.
- I don't know...
I don't know what you're talking about.
- I'm your friend.
- Really?
For on the seventh day,
he did rest.
I do not.
How's that?
- Mate, that was very good.
- It's intense, isn't it?
Mate, I love the biblical slant.
I mean, what's the... The speech making.
Yeah, Janine's been
helping me with that.
- Like an evil pastor.
- Yeah. "Pastor"?
- Like a preacher.
- Oh, okay.
- But, like, evil.
- Oh, evil. Definitely evil.
It's a kind of weird sermon.
If it's not evil, it's not worth doin'.
I like the way you use
your face, you know.
You got a head what's a bit caved in.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- So you use just the stillness.
- Yeah.
- And the voice.
What about you? How are
you working these days?
I'm gonna go the kind of more of your...
the Mel Gibson kind of crazy-eye thing.
- You know, kind of, you know...
- Have a crack.
Nah, mate, I'll just... use the ol' BIC.
Okay.
Hey!
Don't look at me.
Hey, man. I don't know what you're...
Nah, mate. Nah, mate. Nah, mate.
Don't look at me. Look at me.
Don't look at me. Look at me.
Jesus, look at the eye.
You like that?
- Shit, man.
- Hey, you killed me brother.
- Yeah, I...
- No, no, no.
- You killed me sister.
- Yeah.
You killed me mother's uncle
and now I'm gonna kill you.
Argh!
- That's bent.
- Well...
- That's bent.
- I'm crazy, mate.
You don't know which way I'll
go. Am I gonna do it? Am I not?
- Look at me, don't look at me.
- I got confused. I didn't know...
Oh, mate. I'm just
as confused as anyone.
If I didn't know you,
I'd think... mentally retarded.
- Yeah.
- I gotta take a piss.
Oh, mate.
Can't you go out of
the... in the laneway?
The job is we wait here
until we're told different, all right?
Ah, attempted assault.
Okay, attempted assault could be just,
"What are you looking at?"
- Unmanned crossing.
- Yeah.
That's got... That
could be kids, you know.
Uh, you... you've really
gotta learn to prioritise.
- Okay.
- Think about it.
- Patting a police horse.
- Yep.
Or a noise complaint at 9:45pm?
Uh, the noise complaint at 9:45?
- 9:45?
- Perhaps?
Assaulting a police horse
- is assaulting a member of the police
- Yeah.
- Force.
- Force.
- Yeah.
- I think that's pretty im...
And you know, you wouldn't
like it if someone...
- No.
- Do you like that? Would you like that?
- No, I don't. Nup.
- Or just that?
- Like a constant...
- Don't like that either. Nup.
- So think about that.
- Yep. If I...
Yep. If I were the horse. Okay.
- It's pretty simple.
- All right.
I love you.
Yeah, it's all right.
You don't have to say it.
'Bye.
Wendy's up then.
Yes. Yes. It's the black dog.
- Is it?
- It's got her by the throat tonight.
- Still? Still?
- Yeah. Yeah.
However, I have the
key to her happiness.
Which is putting her down? Euthanasia?
I'm gonna give her a child.
- Really? When?
- Yeah.
Well, as soon as I can... I
can hit the bullseye, I guess.
You'll have to get the... reversed.
Which I hear can be quite
painful. Are you up for that?
- And not always successful.
- What are you talking about?
- Vasectomy reversal.
- Vasectomy?
- I haven't had a vasectomy.
- Really?
- No.
- I must have dreamt that.
- I just assumed you had.
- You must have dreamt that.
What makes you think that
I have had a vasectomy?
I dunno.
Just... Your face.
What? I have a vasectomy face?
A little bit.
Yeah.
Well, as an orphan,
I just find that particular
toll an absolute rort.
- "As an orphan"?
- Yeah.
Does it change if you're not an orphan?
Well, I am an orphan.
I don't say to you,
"Not being an orphan,
"I find the toll going through
the tunnel," you know...
Yeah, but that's not the
point. I am an orphan.
How's the, uh...
How's the search going for your dad?
Oh, yeah. I took a trip last weekend.
Went out to Gilgandra. Out west.
I found an old letter that my
mum had written that was a clue.
Met the butcher and he said
he'd known her, back in the day.
He brought all his brothers
out from out the back.
All their faces lit up
when I spoke about her.
She was kind of an
inspiration around the town.
They'd all known her.
She was very vivacious.
Fun-loving. Loved to dance.
No, they actually
started... started bickering
amongst themselves about
who'd known her the best,
who'd had the most fun with her.
Anyway, they pointed me in
the direction of, uh, Old Vic.
Yeah, yeah, he was the
president of the leagues club.
And he said he'd been out with her.
Said she was just always on the go.
Perpetual motion machine.
She loved to get around the town.
Vic said she was always good company.
He said he could call her up
at the drop of a hat, you know.
Tuesday night. "What
are you doing, Maureen?"
"Yeah, I'll come round. I'll come over."
Anyway, yeah, it was great trip.
- Met some lovely old blokes.
- Yeah.
Heard some great stories
about my dear old mum.
How many swabs did you take out there?
- I got eight tests.
- Right.
- The DNA tests.
- How many you done so far?
67.
That's the frustrating
thing is, you know...
I'm following up all these leads
and they've all known
her very, very well,
so it could have been any one of them.
Any one of the 67?
We've got a large shipment
from the same location as
the original coffee export.
And this is a big haul.
It's in excess of 3.8 tonnes.
We're going over the
download limit every month.
You should be in bed
anyway. Just go to bed.
Speak to you in the morning. 'Bye.
- Sorry about that.
- Was that your...
Like, your boyfriend or your husband?
- No. No, it's my son.
- Ah.
- Lachy.
- That makes more sense.
He's 15. He's just...
Well, he's a 15-year-old boy.
You know. Who uses my laptop.
A bit too much.
He's just always disappearing
into the bathroom.
With my laptop.
I know what he's doing in
there. You know what he's doing.
- Uh, I mean, I...
- You know what he's doing.
It's not... I don't
know... I don't know Lachy.
- It's not fair for me to...
- You know...
- Okay.
- What he's doing in there.
- Yep. Yep.
- Right.
- And it's my laptop.
- Yep.
It's not even the fact that
when he comes out, it...
- Stuff on the screen.
- Yeah.
He's tried to wipe it
off with toilet paper,
and it's all got stuck
in the keys and I'm...
It's not even that. I'm not a prude.
It's the fact that I'm worried
that this is stifling his imagination.
And, you know, once your
imagination goes, that's it.
- It's gone.
- Probably.
You cannot get that back. I just...
You know, a couple of times,
I've gone up to the
door when he's in there,
and I'm just, you know, I'm saying,
"Use your imagination,
mate. Use your..."
You know, "Think of
Sarah Curtis in Year 11."
"You know, the wing
attack. The wing attack."
And he's just... He's going,
"Go away, Mum. Go away."
But I'm trying to... make
him be the best he can be.
For instance, if he came
in here and he met you...
- Me? Oh, yeah.
- Right. He would...
He would just be, you
know, think you were tops.
And then if he went away,
right, and he went back home
to the bathroom with an image of you.
Your lips.
Like, say, he's... he's got
your lips in his mind.
- Yeah.
- And then he takes that back.
- You know, be just imagining...
- Could be anyone's though.
No, it'd be your lips that
he'd be, like, imagining.
That is healthy.
What he's doing...
I just... I despair, you know.
I think you're not alone there, Carol.
I think there's a
whole wave of young boys
going through puberty, turning into men
who think that finishing
on a woman's face
is the normal way to end lovemaking.
Sorry, "finishing"? What?
Um, because they see so
many cumshots in pornography.
- They... It's absolutely...
- Okay.
I don't know how we got there,
but I'm pretty sure that that is a topic
that is not appropriate to
talk about in the workplace.
Completely. Sorry, Carol.
Car 72, please report.
Car 72.
Car 72. No activity.
This amazing thing happened
to me the other day.
Mmm.
Have you ever seen a
dog get hit by a car?
Is this the amazing thing
or is this a separate...?
- No, this is it.
- Okay. No.
- Have you seen one get hit?
- Nup.
Heard the noise they make?
I was walking past that as
it happened the other day,
and this dog was...
Bang! A bit of stuff shot out its back.
- Oh. come on. What?
- Yeah, that's what happens.
Like a bum gun kind of
experience for the dog.
But there was this old man
just across the road who was grieving.
You know, obviously his dog.
So I picked the dog up and
I've gone over to him...
- Did you?
- Yeah.
All right. Why? Oh,
you've just been to church.
He was like... Oh, there was
tears rolling down his face.
I thought, "The least I
can do is help bury it."
And, anyway, so halfway through...
It was very hot. It was a
hot day. I had my shirt off.
And I was just kind
of picking away and...
What? You were just digging
a hole with your shirt off?
With an old man and a dead dog? Okay.
We buried it. We said a little prayer.
I had some in my mind,
having just been to the...
You know, my... my weekly cleanse.
- Yeah.
- And, uh...
Then he was still in
such a state so I said,
"What can I do for you? Can
I make you a strong drink?"
"Or a cup of chai or
whatever the elderly have?"
And he said, "Well,
when I feel like this,"
"when I'm in grief,"
"I sometimes... I like a tub."
Tub of what?
Like, a, you know, a hot tub.
- You mean a spa bath?
- Yeah.
- A hot tub?
- A jacuzzi. Whatever.
Right.
So there we were, we
were in the tub, right.
- And then...
- Hang on. Hang on.
- You were in the tub?
- Mmm.
- With him.
- Yeah.
Just you and an old
man having a hot tub.
- I had my undies on.
- Okay.
When did your pants come off?
I still had you in your pants.
Why would I... why
would I get my pants wet?
- They were my church pants.
- Mmm.
Would you hop in a
jacuzzi with pants on?
- Not with an old man. No.
- Well...
- So...
- So...
- Can I finish the story?
- I wish you would.
So then something really weird happened.
Oh, THEN "something
really weird happened".
From under the water, right,
I feel this movement.
You know, like, the
sensory feeling of movement
of water coming towards me.
So his hand is moving.
It's, like, Gollum-like
through the water.
Translucent in form.
And then he just
rested it ever so gently
on my upper thigh.
And his... like, I can
just feel his old nails
just... just digging in a little there.
And then I looked up...
and he was no longer grieving.
He had a... just a
slight smile on his face.
So then I just...
gently removed his hand.
And that was that.
I don't think you should
tell anyone else that story.
- No?
- Nup. Nup.
Intelligence indicates the drug shipment
may have links to an
international drug syndicate.
Operation Big Red just got bigger.
Have I ever told you this one?
- How I pissed on his head?
- No, go ahead.
Well, you know, we're
sitting around the fire.
I mean, we're pretty pissed, you know.
He couldn't stand her snoring.
So we've been to
Melbourne Cup, you know.
Um, oh, a couple of days before
and I've lost me shoe. Weird.
So he's dragging me out
of their tent, right.
I just needed a piss. I mean,
what else was I gonna do?
I'm thinking, "I'm inside
the tent," you know?
Mango. I was with Mango Baxter. Camping.
It is a fine art
the way that you can butcher the story.
I mean, you've got no respect
for three-act structure.
I mean, there's no
beginning, middle or end.
You told me you'd pissed on him,
which was the punchline,
at the beginning.
Why are you in Melbourne,
Melbourne Cup, with no shoe?
- Yeah, I told you about that.
- I didn't know you were camping.
Oh, well, I'm sorry, Mr Shakespeare.
I didn't realise I had to have
a third degree to tell a story.
I just... Mate, I couldn't und...
I couldn't understand
head nor tail of it.
- Really?
- Kind of blows my mind.
Why don't you tell it?
Come on, smart arse.
- You tell it.
- No.
No, no. You're such a great storyteller.
William Tell or Shakespeare
or whoever you are.
Why don't you tell it?
All right. All right.
So me... me and Mango.
We've gone camping up the Dandenongs.
- This was a couple of weeks ago.
- Yeah.
It was a beautiful starry
night, balmy weather.
We pitched the tent, lit a fire.
We've got a bottle of Jim Beam.
I think it's time
for a bit of shut-eye.
So I unzip the tent, fold back
the flies and get in there,
hop in my sleeping bag
for a good night of Z's.
And you know me. I snore like a sailor.
And Mango, he wants
to go to bed as well.
So he gets into the tent,
but he can't get to sleep
because of my snoring,
and you know what I'm like.
So he drags me just out of the tent,
puts a pillow under my head and
just leaves me to sleep it off
under the stars, near the fire.
And me, I'm a bit pissed. I get
up in the middle of the night.
I need to take... need to take a leak.
So I think I'm still inside the tent.
So I unzip it and take a piss
into what I think is
Mother Nature's glory.
And I piss straight onto
Mango Baxter's sleeping bag
and all over his face.
Jeez, he had the shits.
- Same thing happened to me.
- Yeah. Yeah.
Except we'd been to Melbourne
Cup a couple of days before.
Yeah, right.
Mate, my prostate. I gotta go again.
Don't do it in the bucket, Brucey.
- Don't do it in the bucket.
- Come on, mate.
- Do it out in the laneway.
- Oh!
- Come on.
- Fine.
This is Car 72. We have activity.
Ah. Car 72. Go ahead.
We have activity, suspicious male
observed loitering
outside target location.
Stand by while Detective Stokes
conducts further investigation.
- Why me?
- Off you go.
Well, I don't wanna bother him.
Yes, you do. Look, he's doing a wee now.
- Oh.
- Look, that's a crime in itself.
- Go and reprimand him.
- Who hasn't done that?
Just go and... I
stopped for the dolphin.
- Go and talk to him.
- All right.
- Thank you.
- Jesus.
Thanks for doing me this favour.
- Get off me back.
- Have you got your badge?
- It's in my jacket.
- Put your jacket on.
- It's hot.
- You're representing the police force.
Just put it on.
- Got your gun?
- It's in the back somewhere.
Where? Oh, here it is. Cup holder.
Jesus wept.
Excuse me, buddy. Yeah, g'day,
mate. How are you? Sorry.
No, don't wave at him.
He's not your mate.
You shouldn't be taking
a piss on the wall there.
"Hello, friend. I'm Detective
Stokes. Do you like dolphins?"
I'm on a fucking smoko break,
all right. Mind your own business.
- Jesus.
- Look, I really must insist...
that you don't take a...
Gun! Gun! Gun!
How was your weekend?
It's Wednesday.
Is it? Jesus.
You still angry about the dolphin?
What dolphin? Oh, oh, oh.
This enormous, giant, concrete dolphin
in the back of our unmarked police car?
No. Why would I be unhappy about that?
I just don't understand.
As my best friend, I
would have thought you'd...
Can we not say "best friend"?
We probably are or were
or whatever. But we...
We're not little kids. We
don't have to say "best frie..."
I don't have a favourite colour.
- Blue.
- I don't have a favourite food.
- Sushi.
- I do like sushi.
- It's your favourite food.
- We're not 7-year-old girls.
So can we not say,
"You're my best friend"?
Oh, no one is gonna think
there is anything conspicuous
about having a plaster of Paris
dolphin in the back of our car.
We could just be two random,
eh, marine biologists...
Yeah. Yeah. We could be.
But we could be two detectives
on their way to a stake-out,
and one of them made the other one stop
because he saw a hard
rubbish council clean-up.
The first detective was like,
"No, no, no, that's
really unprofessional"
"and we really actually
need to get to work."
Two criminals could see
us in the car and think,
"Oh, look, there's two cops just
sitting there on a stake-out."
"But, hang on, no. Because
there's a dolphin in the back."
The dolphin saves it.
Yeah.
Continuing Operation Big Red.
Several suspect locations being
staked out throughout the city.
Settle in, everyone. We're
playing the waiting game.
- If you were a Siamese twin...
- Here we go.
Which, uh... which hand
would you masturbate with?
Whichever hand
connected to my head.
If I were the right head,
I'd go the right hand.
Well, would you, though?
Or would it be like...
If you used the other, it would
be like it was someone else.
- It would be more exotic.
- Would it be?
Wouldn't you have to ask
the other head's permission
if you wanted to use their arm?
"Would you mind jerking us off?"
No, I think the other head would realise
at the same time that
you had the thought.
They don't share a brain.
Yeah, but, like, there
would be, you know,
that kind of sensation
comes from somewhere else.
So probably would have been
a slight arousal downstairs.
Both the heads would be
going, "Oh, it's on here."
- Not necessarily.
- "Who's gonna get hold of this?"
- It'd be a race.
- Yeah.
Car 72, please report.
- Speak up a bit.
- Speak? Um...
Car 72, please report.
Uh, this is Car 72. No
activity. Who's that?
This is April. I'm in
Dispatch with Carol.
It's her first day, guys.
Oh. April. Well, welcome.
This is, uh, Detective Hendy.
Uh, Detective Stokes.
Welcome aboard, April.
Maintaining surveillance on
seemingly empty warehouse.
We are Car 72 and look forward to
checking in with you in the future.
- Should we do it?
- Mmm.
Actually, April, stand by.
There is a bit of activity.
- Oh, no. He's...
- What?
Sorry?
- Sorry, Car 72. What?
- Backup! Backup!
Sorry, I'm not quite catching
you. Are you... Car 72?
Carol?
Um... Car 72?
Car 72, please grow up.
- Sorry. Sorry, Carol.
- Sorry, Carol.
- Sorry, April.
- Fuck's sake.
She sounds nice, doesn't she, huh?
- No. No.
- Come on.
- I could...
- No, you can't.
You think you're some kind
of Cupid and you're not.
- I won't be set up by you again.
- Oh, come on.
And I don't want a nice April.
I want a filthy April.
- Hmm.
- Is what I want.
I want, like, a, you know,
come home at 3am after a shift
and just go, "I don't
care if you're asleep."
I wanna like her. I want her hot.
Fecund. Like a Parisian.
With a bit of medieval...
Like a hot summer. Like, I'm sweating.
I don't know what fluids are
coming out of here. Oh, yeah.
- You wanna throw your fluid...
- Yeah.
- The... Hmm?
- Car 72.
You're still on.
Uh... Yeah, sorry, Carol.
Just, uh...
Uh, just kidding.
Car 72 out.
You fuckhead.
- I had it resting on my thigh.
- Did you?
I just... It's the way I hold the radio.
- Gimme... That's no more radio for you
- Just... I am sorry
She might have liked it.
Everyone is someone's type.
Oh, fu-u-u-uckin' shut up.
Uh, Customs has uncovered
a small amount of methamphetamines
encased in coffee beans out of Colombia.
We've got several warehouses
under surveillance.
Uh, we're hoping the boys are
taking the drop at one of them.
Hey.
- What are you doing?
- Shut up.
Shut up.
You know, one thing I
can't abide is treachery.
- I know. I know.
- I don't know...
I don't know what you're talking about.
- I'm your friend.
- Really?
For on the seventh day,
he did rest.
I do not.
How's that?
- Mate, that was very good.
- It's intense, isn't it?
Mate, I love the biblical slant.
I mean, what's the... The speech making.
Yeah, Janine's been
helping me with that.
- Like an evil pastor.
- Yeah. "Pastor"?
- Like a preacher.
- Oh, okay.
- But, like, evil.
- Oh, evil. Definitely evil.
It's a kind of weird sermon.
If it's not evil, it's not worth doin'.
I like the way you use
your face, you know.
You got a head what's a bit caved in.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- So you use just the stillness.
- Yeah.
- And the voice.
What about you? How are
you working these days?
I'm gonna go the kind of more of your...
the Mel Gibson kind of crazy-eye thing.
- You know, kind of, you know...
- Have a crack.
Nah, mate, I'll just... use the ol' BIC.
Okay.
Hey!
Don't look at me.
Hey, man. I don't know what you're...
Nah, mate. Nah, mate. Nah, mate.
Don't look at me. Look at me.
Don't look at me. Look at me.
Jesus, look at the eye.
You like that?
- Shit, man.
- Hey, you killed me brother.
- Yeah, I...
- No, no, no.
- You killed me sister.
- Yeah.
You killed me mother's uncle
and now I'm gonna kill you.
Argh!
- That's bent.
- Well...
- That's bent.
- I'm crazy, mate.
You don't know which way I'll
go. Am I gonna do it? Am I not?
- Look at me, don't look at me.
- I got confused. I didn't know...
Oh, mate. I'm just
as confused as anyone.
If I didn't know you,
I'd think... mentally retarded.
- Yeah.
- I gotta take a piss.
Oh, mate.
Can't you go out of
the... in the laneway?
The job is we wait here
until we're told different, all right?
Ah, attempted assault.
Okay, attempted assault could be just,
"What are you looking at?"
- Unmanned crossing.
- Yeah.
That's got... That
could be kids, you know.
Uh, you... you've really
gotta learn to prioritise.
- Okay.
- Think about it.
- Patting a police horse.
- Yep.
Or a noise complaint at 9:45pm?
Uh, the noise complaint at 9:45?
- 9:45?
- Perhaps?
Assaulting a police horse
- is assaulting a member of the police
- Yeah.
- Force.
- Force.
- Yeah.
- I think that's pretty im...
And you know, you wouldn't
like it if someone...
- No.
- Do you like that? Would you like that?
- No, I don't. Nup.
- Or just that?
- Like a constant...
- Don't like that either. Nup.
- So think about that.
- Yep. If I...
Yep. If I were the horse. Okay.
- It's pretty simple.
- All right.
I love you.
Yeah, it's all right.
You don't have to say it.
'Bye.
Wendy's up then.
Yes. Yes. It's the black dog.
- Is it?
- It's got her by the throat tonight.
- Still? Still?
- Yeah. Yeah.
However, I have the
key to her happiness.
Which is putting her down? Euthanasia?
I'm gonna give her a child.
- Really? When?
- Yeah.
Well, as soon as I can... I
can hit the bullseye, I guess.
You'll have to get the... reversed.
Which I hear can be quite
painful. Are you up for that?
- And not always successful.
- What are you talking about?
- Vasectomy reversal.
- Vasectomy?
- I haven't had a vasectomy.
- Really?
- No.
- I must have dreamt that.
- I just assumed you had.
- You must have dreamt that.
What makes you think that
I have had a vasectomy?
I dunno.
Just... Your face.
What? I have a vasectomy face?
A little bit.
Yeah.
Well, as an orphan,
I just find that particular
toll an absolute rort.
- "As an orphan"?
- Yeah.
Does it change if you're not an orphan?
Well, I am an orphan.
I don't say to you,
"Not being an orphan,
"I find the toll going through
the tunnel," you know...
Yeah, but that's not the
point. I am an orphan.
How's the, uh...
How's the search going for your dad?
Oh, yeah. I took a trip last weekend.
Went out to Gilgandra. Out west.
I found an old letter that my
mum had written that was a clue.
Met the butcher and he said
he'd known her, back in the day.
He brought all his brothers
out from out the back.
All their faces lit up
when I spoke about her.
She was kind of an
inspiration around the town.
They'd all known her.
She was very vivacious.
Fun-loving. Loved to dance.
No, they actually
started... started bickering
amongst themselves about
who'd known her the best,
who'd had the most fun with her.
Anyway, they pointed me in
the direction of, uh, Old Vic.
Yeah, yeah, he was the
president of the leagues club.
And he said he'd been out with her.
Said she was just always on the go.
Perpetual motion machine.
She loved to get around the town.
Vic said she was always good company.
He said he could call her up
at the drop of a hat, you know.
Tuesday night. "What
are you doing, Maureen?"
"Yeah, I'll come round. I'll come over."
Anyway, yeah, it was great trip.
- Met some lovely old blokes.
- Yeah.
Heard some great stories
about my dear old mum.
How many swabs did you take out there?
- I got eight tests.
- Right.
- The DNA tests.
- How many you done so far?
67.
That's the frustrating
thing is, you know...
I'm following up all these leads
and they've all known
her very, very well,
so it could have been any one of them.
Any one of the 67?
We've got a large shipment
from the same location as
the original coffee export.
And this is a big haul.
It's in excess of 3.8 tonnes.
We're going over the
download limit every month.
You should be in bed
anyway. Just go to bed.
Speak to you in the morning. 'Bye.
- Sorry about that.
- Was that your...
Like, your boyfriend or your husband?
- No. No, it's my son.
- Ah.
- Lachy.
- That makes more sense.
He's 15. He's just...
Well, he's a 15-year-old boy.
You know. Who uses my laptop.
A bit too much.
He's just always disappearing
into the bathroom.
With my laptop.
I know what he's doing in
there. You know what he's doing.
- Uh, I mean, I...
- You know what he's doing.
It's not... I don't
know... I don't know Lachy.
- It's not fair for me to...
- You know...
- Okay.
- What he's doing in there.
- Yep. Yep.
- Right.
- And it's my laptop.
- Yep.
It's not even the fact that
when he comes out, it...
- Stuff on the screen.
- Yeah.
He's tried to wipe it
off with toilet paper,
and it's all got stuck
in the keys and I'm...
It's not even that. I'm not a prude.
It's the fact that I'm worried
that this is stifling his imagination.
And, you know, once your
imagination goes, that's it.
- It's gone.
- Probably.
You cannot get that back. I just...
You know, a couple of times,
I've gone up to the
door when he's in there,
and I'm just, you know, I'm saying,
"Use your imagination,
mate. Use your..."
You know, "Think of
Sarah Curtis in Year 11."
"You know, the wing
attack. The wing attack."
And he's just... He's going,
"Go away, Mum. Go away."
But I'm trying to... make
him be the best he can be.
For instance, if he came
in here and he met you...
- Me? Oh, yeah.
- Right. He would...
He would just be, you
know, think you were tops.
And then if he went away,
right, and he went back home
to the bathroom with an image of you.
Your lips.
Like, say, he's... he's got
your lips in his mind.
- Yeah.
- And then he takes that back.
- You know, be just imagining...
- Could be anyone's though.
No, it'd be your lips that
he'd be, like, imagining.
That is healthy.
What he's doing...
I just... I despair, you know.
I think you're not alone there, Carol.
I think there's a
whole wave of young boys
going through puberty, turning into men
who think that finishing
on a woman's face
is the normal way to end lovemaking.
Sorry, "finishing"? What?
Um, because they see so
many cumshots in pornography.
- They... It's absolutely...
- Okay.
I don't know how we got there,
but I'm pretty sure that that is a topic
that is not appropriate to
talk about in the workplace.
Completely. Sorry, Carol.
Car 72, please report.
Car 72.
Car 72. No activity.
This amazing thing happened
to me the other day.
Mmm.
Have you ever seen a
dog get hit by a car?
Is this the amazing thing
or is this a separate...?
- No, this is it.
- Okay. No.
- Have you seen one get hit?
- Nup.
Heard the noise they make?
I was walking past that as
it happened the other day,
and this dog was...
Bang! A bit of stuff shot out its back.
- Oh. come on. What?
- Yeah, that's what happens.
Like a bum gun kind of
experience for the dog.
But there was this old man
just across the road who was grieving.
You know, obviously his dog.
So I picked the dog up and
I've gone over to him...
- Did you?
- Yeah.
All right. Why? Oh,
you've just been to church.
He was like... Oh, there was
tears rolling down his face.
I thought, "The least I
can do is help bury it."
And, anyway, so halfway through...
It was very hot. It was a
hot day. I had my shirt off.
And I was just kind
of picking away and...
What? You were just digging
a hole with your shirt off?
With an old man and a dead dog? Okay.
We buried it. We said a little prayer.
I had some in my mind,
having just been to the...
You know, my... my weekly cleanse.
- Yeah.
- And, uh...
Then he was still in
such a state so I said,
"What can I do for you? Can
I make you a strong drink?"
"Or a cup of chai or
whatever the elderly have?"
And he said, "Well,
when I feel like this,"
"when I'm in grief,"
"I sometimes... I like a tub."
Tub of what?
Like, a, you know, a hot tub.
- You mean a spa bath?
- Yeah.
- A hot tub?
- A jacuzzi. Whatever.
Right.
So there we were, we
were in the tub, right.
- And then...
- Hang on. Hang on.
- You were in the tub?
- Mmm.
- With him.
- Yeah.
Just you and an old
man having a hot tub.
- I had my undies on.
- Okay.
When did your pants come off?
I still had you in your pants.
Why would I... why
would I get my pants wet?
- They were my church pants.
- Mmm.
Would you hop in a
jacuzzi with pants on?
- Not with an old man. No.
- Well...
- So...
- So...
- Can I finish the story?
- I wish you would.
So then something really weird happened.
Oh, THEN "something
really weird happened".
From under the water, right,
I feel this movement.
You know, like, the
sensory feeling of movement
of water coming towards me.
So his hand is moving.
It's, like, Gollum-like
through the water.
Translucent in form.
And then he just
rested it ever so gently
on my upper thigh.
And his... like, I can
just feel his old nails
just... just digging in a little there.
And then I looked up...
and he was no longer grieving.
He had a... just a
slight smile on his face.
So then I just...
gently removed his hand.
And that was that.
I don't think you should
tell anyone else that story.
- No?
- Nup. Nup.
Intelligence indicates the drug shipment
may have links to an
international drug syndicate.
Operation Big Red just got bigger.
Have I ever told you this one?
- How I pissed on his head?
- No, go ahead.
Well, you know, we're
sitting around the fire.
I mean, we're pretty pissed, you know.
He couldn't stand her snoring.
So we've been to
Melbourne Cup, you know.
Um, oh, a couple of days before
and I've lost me shoe. Weird.
So he's dragging me out
of their tent, right.
I just needed a piss. I mean,
what else was I gonna do?
I'm thinking, "I'm inside
the tent," you know?
Mango. I was with Mango Baxter. Camping.
It is a fine art
the way that you can butcher the story.
I mean, you've got no respect
for three-act structure.
I mean, there's no
beginning, middle or end.
You told me you'd pissed on him,
which was the punchline,
at the beginning.
Why are you in Melbourne,
Melbourne Cup, with no shoe?
- Yeah, I told you about that.
- I didn't know you were camping.
Oh, well, I'm sorry, Mr Shakespeare.
I didn't realise I had to have
a third degree to tell a story.
I just... Mate, I couldn't und...
I couldn't understand
head nor tail of it.
- Really?
- Kind of blows my mind.
Why don't you tell it?
Come on, smart arse.
- You tell it.
- No.
No, no. You're such a great storyteller.
William Tell or Shakespeare
or whoever you are.
Why don't you tell it?
All right. All right.
So me... me and Mango.
We've gone camping up the Dandenongs.
- This was a couple of weeks ago.
- Yeah.
It was a beautiful starry
night, balmy weather.
We pitched the tent, lit a fire.
We've got a bottle of Jim Beam.
I think it's time
for a bit of shut-eye.
So I unzip the tent, fold back
the flies and get in there,
hop in my sleeping bag
for a good night of Z's.
And you know me. I snore like a sailor.
And Mango, he wants
to go to bed as well.
So he gets into the tent,
but he can't get to sleep
because of my snoring,
and you know what I'm like.
So he drags me just out of the tent,
puts a pillow under my head and
just leaves me to sleep it off
under the stars, near the fire.
And me, I'm a bit pissed. I get
up in the middle of the night.
I need to take... need to take a leak.
So I think I'm still inside the tent.
So I unzip it and take a piss
into what I think is
Mother Nature's glory.
And I piss straight onto
Mango Baxter's sleeping bag
and all over his face.
Jeez, he had the shits.
- Same thing happened to me.
- Yeah. Yeah.
Except we'd been to Melbourne
Cup a couple of days before.
Yeah, right.
Mate, my prostate. I gotta go again.
Don't do it in the bucket, Brucey.
- Don't do it in the bucket.
- Come on, mate.
- Do it out in the laneway.
- Oh!
- Come on.
- Fine.
This is Car 72. We have activity.
Ah. Car 72. Go ahead.
We have activity, suspicious male
observed loitering
outside target location.
Stand by while Detective Stokes
conducts further investigation.
- Why me?
- Off you go.
Well, I don't wanna bother him.
Yes, you do. Look, he's doing a wee now.
- Oh.
- Look, that's a crime in itself.
- Go and reprimand him.
- Who hasn't done that?
Just go and... I
stopped for the dolphin.
- Go and talk to him.
- All right.
- Thank you.
- Jesus.
Thanks for doing me this favour.
- Get off me back.
- Have you got your badge?
- It's in my jacket.
- Put your jacket on.
- It's hot.
- You're representing the police force.
Just put it on.
- Got your gun?
- It's in the back somewhere.
Where? Oh, here it is. Cup holder.
Jesus wept.
Excuse me, buddy. Yeah, g'day,
mate. How are you? Sorry.
No, don't wave at him.
He's not your mate.
You shouldn't be taking
a piss on the wall there.
"Hello, friend. I'm Detective
Stokes. Do you like dolphins?"
I'm on a fucking smoko break,
all right. Mind your own business.
- Jesus.
- Look, I really must insist...
that you don't take a...
Gun! Gun! Gun!