Nip/Tuck (2003–2010): Season 5, Episode 22 - Giselle Blaylock & Legend Chandler - full transcript

Previously on Nip/Tuck:

You ever screwed on nitrous?

That's dangerous.

You can trust me.
I'm an anesthesiologist.

You two some sort of couple now?

- They offered me a deal at Penetrate.
- T o do porn?

KIMBER:
We just had to snatch her up.

How's my baby doing?

The tumor has spread
to the lymph nodes.

- Give me a ballpark.
- Six months.

What are you doing here?



I want you to marry me.

T ell us what you don't like
about yourself, Miss Blaylock.

Me first, I guess.

What is that? Something bite you?

Yeah. My bad.

- You did that?
- I was trying to match the one she gave me.

It's a good thing we had Italian for lunch.
Garlic breath might save us.

That's Hollywood bullshit.

- We love garlic as much as anyone else.
- The sun doesn't melt us.

We don't get burned by holy water.
And looking at crosses is no big deal.

So you're vampires. Okay.

If you have to label us...

...we prefer to be called sangs,
not vampires.

And you actually drink
each other's blood?



We have routine blood work done,
so we know we're not sharing any diseases.

We just pierce the skin
and offer each other a taste.

It's our intimacy,
sharing this most sacred of bodily fluids.

But last week, we took it too far.

I ' ll say.

You realize how close
you got to her artery?

I hit it.

By mistake.

Take me.

The paramedics had to come.

The vascular surgeon
stopped the bleeding...

...but the ER docs did a horrible job
suturing the skin.

It took me almost losing her to realize
that we'd gone too far with the blood lust.

Like addicts.

Our behavior's become dangerous
and we need to stop it.

So you're off the blood. Congrats.

Sneer if you like, doctor...

...but the restorative powers of blood
can be kind of addicting, you know?

You get this immediate rush.

Your color changes.

It can restore your heart, liver, kidneys.

We are familiar
with the effects of transfusion.

We were just hoping to preserve ourselves,
to stay young and vital as long as possible.

As plastic surgeons, you should relate.

The idea of chasing immortality
is something you make a killing off of.

Hey. It's, uh, 9:00.

Where are you?

Oh, there's my little honey bunny.

Oh.

Sorry I'm late. I was winning.

Just couldn't tear myself away.

Don't get started
on how I have a gambling problem.

Ain't a problem unless you lose.
And tonight, baby, I won big.

- Yeah, you and this little lady.
- Ha, ha.

And she decided to spend her winnings
by getting rid of her saddlebags.

Walked right in here
after hitting the jackpot.

You are a genius,
you know that, Harland?

Where else but in Vegas can
you get your thighs sucked at 9 at night?

Hey, sugar, I think that was your idea.

Heh. And it was a good one.

When in Rome...

I mean, if two people can get married
in an Elvis Chapel at 4 in the morning...

Congratulations, Dixie. It's very exciting.

I know.

And, sugar, how's your aunt doing?

- The doctors say it won ' t be long now.
Hmm.

You ' re a good girl, Dixie.

That's why I love you.

I just hope she appreciates your visits.

Now, let's get this show on the road.

The sooner we play doctor,
the sooner we can play doctor.

What?

What are you waiting for?
She wants to know the truth.

He's all nervous about hurting your feelings,
but me, I don't have that problem.

You ' re a relic and we want you out.

- Shut up, you stupid skank.
I want no drama in here.

Look.

Eden and I have been talking this over.
Talking about the future.

Talking about a lot of things.

The bottom line, baby,
this is not working out.

You're breaking up with me?

Yes.

Oh, let me guess why.

Your face is like an old purse
from all that tanning-booth damage.

Your hair's like the hay I feed my horse.

And your knees kind of resemble
a circus elephant.

I should be feeding you peanuts.

Wait till you turn 30, horse face.

They'll be putting you on a train
back to the glue factory.

And for your information,
Christian Troy, my ex...

...who happens to be
the best plastic surgeon in the city...

...told me that he couldn ' t find one thing
that needs improvement on me.

In fact, I was probably
the most gorgeous woman...

...perfect woman
that he has ever seen for her age.

For her age.

- Ram.
You gotta get realistic here.

Kimmie, there does come a time...

...when there's no more procedures,
no more plastic surgery.

Youth goes away.

When you ' ve been trying
to keep a hold of it as much as you have...

...it's no longer sexy.

It's just desperate.

Do you know what?

You ' ve just done me a big favor.

I am a symbol of sensuality,
glamour and power...

...and I ' ve been wasting my time
with you two low-rent, scumbag assholes.

I don ' t need you anymore, Ram.

I will survive.

No, in fact,
I am going to thrive without you.

The legend of Kimber Henry
will live forever.

We have to do a little muscle repair,
resect the skin...

...here...

...and then here.

You all right?

Here, babe. Have some.

I ' m afraid to ask. What is that stuff?

Unh. What is this shit, Legend?

It's got all the vegetables
and minerals we need.

- I thought you were giving me blood.
- We are weaning ourselves off, remember?

Guess I won't be needing these anymore.

Bio waste. I'll dispose of them.

What about yours?

Must be a bitch to floss.

Mine are the real thing.

Dentist has to file them down next week.

Well, if there are no more questions,
uh, Dr. McNamara will see you in surgery.

You ' re cool.

Most people get off on judging us.

Live and let live.

Emphasis on live.

You only go around once.

CHRISTIAN:
I've figured out a way to live forever.

Cryogenics?

I'm gonna need your help.

When you see that I'm close,
call the cryogenics company.

Any time, 24/7.

But you have to time it right, Sean.
I'm counting on you.

He's ready.

CHRISTIAN: The standby team
will come to the house...

...pack me in ice
to prevent ischemic damage...

...and transport me
to the storage location.

They'll prepare me,
then place me in my cryostat.

The liquid nitrogen will freeze my body,
put me in a state of suspended animation...

...my cells still rich with oxygen,
my cancer will be frozen, unable to multiply.

A Troysicle.

I mean, what, is Jabba the Hutt
gonna hang you on his wall?

I'm serious about this.

Think about advancements they've made
in cancer research in the past 10 years.

I mean, 10, 20 years from now,
they'll have found a cure.

- And then what?
- And then they'll revive me.

Make me healthy again.

Dad.

Oh.

I'll be able to see Wilber go to college.

I'll be able to play with Matt's kids.

Our grandchildren.

This is why you haven't helped me
with the wedding?

Christian...

...I understand
that you're afraid of dying.

We are all afraid of you dying,
and what life is gonna be without you...

...but is there any scientific evidence
that this procedure works?

What effect
do you think liquid nitrogen...

...at a temperature close to absolute zero
is gonna have on your skin?

How much is all this gonna cost?

There's a $200,000 initiation fee
and it's 5 grand a month after that.

Jesus.

You got suggestions
on how I should spend my money?

Well, I don't know.

Maybe leave it to the people
that are gonna still be alive.

You're such a spoiled little dick.

Is that all you care about? My money?

- No, Christian.
CHRISTIAN: I mean, no, that's fine.

Take it.

Here you go. That's 20, another one.

Here, take that. Have it.

T ake it all. Here you go.

Look at all this money you can have.
Is this enough for you?

I don ' t-
- You little dick.

- Look-
CHRISTIAN: Take it all.

It's amazing, man.

Even dying doesn ' t make you
any less of an asshole.

But it's good.

Where are you going?

I'm meeting with an ice sculptor.

Would you please talk him out of this?

You know, any time
you spend searching for immortality...

...you miss out on the little bit
you actually have left.

Just come to the place
and see it with me.

Sorry I'm late.

No excuses, just sorry.

Least you're consistent.

Okay, if you ' re ready.

- Yeah.
- Hit it, Linda.

- Sean, I know that you are mad at me-
- If you want out, just say it.

Don ' t make me wait with a wok full
of burnt stir-fry and half-lit candles.

Make me feel more
like a fool than I already do.

My not showing up is not a comment
on the evening's entertainment.

My aunt died.

We were close.

Did your cell phone die along with her?

I am sorry if my first thought
wasn't about you, Sean.

It's been overwhelming.

I had to fly to Houston and identify
the body, make funeral arrangements.

I have been a wreck.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry too.

Why don ' t we try it again tonight?

I ' ll make you one of her famous dishes...

...and you can be dessert.

Hello.
- Hi.

Could you put her in the playpen, please,
and give me a hand?

Hey, beautiful.

Um, you know
it's not my day to watch her?

I know. I'm not dropping
her off for you to watch her.

She's gonna move in with you,
but just for like two weeks, okay?

And I have her highchair in the car,
so will you come get it?

Um, wait a minute. Ha.

Um, move in?

Yeah. Do you have a problem with that?

She is your daughter.

Well, wait a minute. Look.

You can't just barge in here
and expect me to drop everything.

Matt, please.

Ram kicked me out, okay?

So I don't have a place to live
and I need to find an apartment...

...and the good ones, they don ' t
like it when you bring the little squealer.

He really kick you out?

He said I was too old.

Do you think I look too old?

I think you're beautiful.

You've always been beautiful to me.

I have an idea.

Why don't we get a place together?

The three of us, like a family.

Matt, are you on meth again?

Because you're acting high.

Come on.

Because I don't have a place to live
you think I don't have a life or a future?

- Now, will you go get her highchair?
- No, I can't go get her highchair.

- You know what? Jenna can ' t stay here.
- Why?

Christian ' s getting married,
there's a lot of things happening.

What do you mean
Christian's getting married? T o who?

To Liz.

Dyke Liz? Okay, you're high.

The invitation's on the counter
if you wanna take a look.

Liz and Christian?

Why?

He's dying, Kimber.

Cancer came back.
He's got maybe six months.

You know, Liz has really been there.

And she wants
to take care of him, you know?

Before he, uh...

So he's really dying?

The main difference in T exas chili
is that it doesn ' t have beans.

Oh, Jesus.

I'm on fire.

Oh, Aunt Dot always said
that it was always about the chili pepper.

Maybe that's what killed her.

Uh.

Sorry, I-

- That was pretty-
- Funny.

Funny, actually.

My aunt had
such a great sense of humor.

She accepted that no man
was ever gonna be there for her...

...so she decided
that she would be there for herself.

And that being alone didn't mean
being lonely and miserable...

...and that no man
was ever gonna hurt her...

...or take away her spirit ever again.

You know, I have to call Liz and tell her
that I can ' t make it to the wedding...

...because it's the same day
as the funeral.

You want me to come with you?

No, Sean.

Christian is your best friend
and he needs you.

Life trumps death every time, right?

Hey.

You can be vulnerable with me.

- Come here.
- Thank you.

I appreciate that, but right now,
I do not want to bring us down.

I wanna bring us up.

Mm.

Hold that thought.

Hold that thought.

Oh, my God.

Do you need that
to get off with me, huh?

No.

It just heightens my orgasm.

What?

I just think it's a little dangerous.

I am an expert
on N20's anesthetic effects.

I know what I'm doing.

Yeah?

You have your two glasses of wine
to get high...

...and I have this.

What's it feel like?

There's no pain.

It's pure escape.

There's no peer pressure here, Sean.

You don ' t have to prove anything.

I know who you are and I accept that.

Just like I hope you accept me.

I'd only eat half of that
if you want to fit into your wedding dress.

It's an old modeling trick of mine.

My gown is custom-made.

And I thought you didn't wear
any clothes in most of your modeling.

You know, when I heard about
Christian's upcoming wedding to you...

...I started to feel a bit nostalgic.

Do you remember
when I had my first surgery in Miami?

You warned me about Christian,
you told me he was no good...

...and I was just one in a long line
of girls he had screwed and screwed over.

What's your point?

My point is,
you were wrong about him and I then...

...and you ' re wrong about us now.

He doesn ' t love you, Liz.

I mean, I ' m sure he loves
the idea of you playing nursemaid...

...but, I mean,
I ' m the one he really loves.

You are so pathetic.

Who's pathetic?

The woman who's marrying a man
because he's dying...

...or the one he closes his eyes
and thinks about while he's screwing you?

Wait. Wait a second.

You don't have to marry him, Liz.

I will. I'll take care of him.

Christian is gonna be
100 pounds in three months...

...and he's gonna need somebody
to wipe his ass.

Now, I ' m sure you ' re a wizard at oral sex,
but do you think you ' re up to that?

Yes. This is my chance
to redeem myself with him.

I love him, Liz.

I always have and I always will.

Oh.

I'm onto you, sweetie.

Matt told me about Eden...

...and the panderer who threw you out
on your bleached little ass.

You don ' t want Christian.

You want the warm embrace
of his wallet.

Are you so vapid?

Are you so unable
to make it on your own...

...that you would sink your fangs
into a dying man?

Well, I am not gonna let you suck
one more drop of blood from him.

This isn't over, butch.

Oh.

If you come near me or my fianc?...

...I ' m gonna show you
just how butch I can get.

Dr. Troy.
Are you ready to see your future?

I thought it would be bigger.

Well, the hardware
is still extremely expensive...

...and though you and I agree
that this is the ticket to extending life...

...the clientele with the forethought
and financial wherewithal is limited.

Now, doctor, here's your portal.

The AZ-6294.

It's one of our newest.

Christian, uh, you might wanna see this.

- There's an old Jewish guy in my tank.
- Yes, there's someone in every tank.

We're at full capacity.

Dr. Troy, meet Herb Schlanskey.

He's your eternity roommate.

No.

I want my own tank. I ' ll pay more.

Don ' t you have
like a one-bedroom or something?

No, no, no. That's not possible.

As I said, we' re at full capacity.

There was nothing in your literature
about sharing a tank.

What if they find a cure for this guy first
and thaw him?

How do they keep me frozen?

I'm sure we'll figure something out.

CHRISTIAN: I didn't even like
having you as a roommate.

- The hell was I thinking?
- You're scared.

You ' re reaching out for some phantom hand
to keep you from falling into the abyss.

It's normal.
It's just not gonna make any difference.

I've lived my life like I've had
some kind of death wish.

I mean, drug abuse, unsafe sex.

I drink vodka like it's water.

If I could fit into a Gucci suit
without working out...

...I'd never step inside a gym.

But now?

Now...

I don ' t want to go yet.

Here.

Christian, all you need
to understand right now...

...is that you ' re never really gonna die.

And it's not because of our practice
that we built up or a son we raised...

...it's the stories.

Right?

I'm gonna be telling
Christian Troy stories for decades.

You'll live on forever, through me.

Now, come on. Buy me a lunch.

No, I gotta-

I gotta head back to the office
and start writing my vows.

" I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of,
but proposing to you isn't one of them. "

Oh, for God ' s sake.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- You gotta help me out here.
- Listen to this Gibran poem.

I think I'm gonna use it. It's so beautiful.

Okay.

Love one another

Make not a bond of love

Lizzy, honey, surprise me, okay?

I'm the one who needs help.
This is not my thing.

Writing wedding vows.

Okay, look.

Just make it simple.

And heartfelt.

You know, just one simple sentence.

That's all you need.

Okay.

We couldn't help ourselves.

On the contrary.
You helped yourselves and then some.

It's like we're dying.

Like we're corpses without the blood.

I get it, I get it.
You wanna live forever.

Are you gonna report us?

No.

Last call, though.

One more for the road,
now get your scary asses out of here.

Oh, baby, I hope we don't get a walk-in.

It's only 3 a. m.

If you wanna play doctor...

...you can't be one all the time.

Tell you what I wanna be.

Way down south in Dixie.

Oh, let me air up before you go down.

Whoa.

That's it, baby.

That's it. Take it in, honey.

Take it in.

- Ha-ha-ha. Give me some.
- Ha, ha.

Give me some. Give me some.

Because you know how hard
it makes my dick.

Don ' t be stingy with it.

Come on, baby, lie down on the table.

- Ready?
- Oh, God.

Give it to me, baby.

Give it to me.

Yes.

That's it, darling.

Take it all in.

What are you doing?

You poor fool.

Why'd you have to fall in love with me?

What the...?

Here.

Let me. You'd think you'd
never been through this before.

Yeah, we all know
how that turned out.

Guess we know
how this one will turn out too, huh?

And they all lived happily ever after,
for at least six months.

You don't have to do this.
I'll be there for you.

No, no, no. This is right.

I love Lizzy. She's a great girl.

She's great with Wilber.

I have to think about the future.

- How about you?
- What do you mean?

Am I gonna leave
with you a confirmed bachelor...

...or are you gonna
seal the deal with T eddy?

Oh, who the hell knows?
She's been away so much lately.

Well, look at the bright side.

She's probably got enough
frequent-flier points...

...to send the two of you
to the Great Barrier Reef.

It's time.

Okay.

Come here.

You were right.

I was an asshole.

I ' m sorry.

I got at least two months
to figure that stuff out, right?

Okay.

You two, uh, ready to get me
to the church on time?

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

You invited Kimber?

She didn ' t need an invitation.
It's a church.

They welcome everybody,
especially whores. It's big in the Bible.

Sorry.

Linda, do I look like a bride?

You look gorgeous. Just start walking.

Wow, would you look at that?

Father, you have made
the bond of marriage a holy mystery...

...a symbol of Christ's love
for his Church...

" You were born together and
together you shall be forevermore.

You shall be together when the white wings
of death scatter your days. "

Liz Cruz...

...I will love you for the rest of my life.

If any person here can show
just and sufficient reason...

...why these two persons
may not be joined together in matrimony...

...let them declare their reasons now,
or from this time forward, keep their peace.

Kimber, sit down.

Excuse me. I ' m sorry.

By the authority vested in me
by the state of California...

...I now pronounce you
husband and wife.

WILBER:
I'm gonna eat spaghetti.

You are? That sounds good to me.

So how do you say ice cream in Italian?

- Gelato.
- Gelato?

Oh, you ' re too good.

High five.

Okay. Okay.

Is everybody ready and zipped?

These the books
you wanna take with you?

WILBER: Yeah.
LIZ: All right.

Hubby? Are we gonna
have to pay extra for your luggage?

No, while you guys are having gelato,
I'm gonna shop for a whole new wardrobe.

Can I call you Mommy now?

Yes, you can.

Yes, you can.

We gotta hurry up.
We got five minutes before they come.

WILBER: Okay.
- Let's go.

- Yeah?
- Dr. Troy, this is Dr. Moss.

I know you're disappointed
I'm not doing any treatments...

...but here's the deal.

I just got married, and I'm on my way
to my honeymoon in five minutes.

Actually, I'm calling
about something else.

Because of the new HIPAA laws...

...we've been using
ID numbers instead of names.

When another patient,
Mrs. Glendenning...

...surprised us
with an unexpected downturn this week...

...we, uh, rechecked her blood work.

Cut to the chase, doc.

What, am I gonna kick the bucket
sooner than I thought?

No, our lab tech inadvertently
switched your ID numbers.

Your results were labeled as hers
and vice versa.

Uh, long story short,
Mrs. Glendenning's bad news...

...is your good fortune.

Your cancer is in remission, Dr. Troy.

I wish you and your bride
a long, happy life together.

Christian, they' re here.

Can you call them back from the car?