Nip/Tuck (2003–2010): Season 5, Episode 21 - Allegra Caldarello - full transcript

Previously on Nip/Tuck:

Mrs. Caldarello, we've had tremendous
success in lip reconstruction...

using the patient's
labial folds.

What about when my
husband kisses me?

If he finds out, he'll
never kiss me again.

What about the
secret joy of knowing...

that it's the first time those
lips will have ever been kissed?

Do it. Put my pussy on my lips.

If I may ask, Theodora...
Call me Teddy.

Why do I feel like
you're interviewing me?

I am.



Anything else you
find interesting?

The tumor has spread to the
supraclavicular lymph nodes.

- Give me a ballpark.
- Six months.

I want you to marry me.

How does it look? Any moths?

Give me a minute
just to try it on, okay?

Everything all right, Busy? It's
been in storage since the day...

- your father and I got married.
- No, it's fine.

- But...
- I just need a little privacy, please.

Okay.

Sure.

Busy? That's what
you call her, huh?

Since she was 2 years old, she
was always getting into things.

Rearranging her room,
sorting out the silverware.



A very industrious little girl.

I encouraged her. I told her, "You
put your mind to it, work hard...

you're gonna get
whatever you want in life."

- Heh.
- Because let's face it...

she was not gonna get
anywhere on her looks.

Can I get you a drink,
Mariella? Soda, water or...?

Please. And call me Mom.

Oh.

Patrón, doble.

Because we are
celebrating, aren't we?

My daughter is getting married,
and to a man, of all things.

Yeah, well, nobody's perfect.

Pretty close.

So why are you
marrying my daughter?

Um, the sex.

The last time I visited, she was
a flannel-shirt-wearing lesbiana...

who was having
trouble getting a date.

What is the real story here?

The real story is I
should be toasting you...

for giving me such
a beautiful woman.

To family.

So you're gay?

This is an arrangement
between you types?

You get insurance
now or something, huh?

Christian, can you
come in here, please?

- Yeah?
- Can you please...?

Could you help zip this for me?

Sure.

You're gonna have
to let this out a little.

Oh, no, I can't. This is an
antique. It's an as-is kind of thing.

Well, this is not gonna work.

So, uh, why don't we just
buy you another dress...

and we can start
our own tradition?

Oh, oh.

No, you don't understand.

Ever since I could remember...

my mom has wanted me to
wear this dress in my wedding.

And then I came out to her, neither
of us thought this would ever happen.

A traditional wedding? In a
church? In my mom's dress?

This means everything to me now.

You sure that's what this is about?
- Busy.

You know very well it is
bad luck for the groom...

to see you dressed like
that before the wedding.

Ma, the dress doesn't fit.

It's those tatas of yours.

You've always been top-heavy.

Ladies, I think we're
going gown shopping.

No.

If I can't touch the dress,
then I'm gonna shrink my chest.

I wanted it before,
now I have to.

Book me for a breast reduction.

Well, this is quite a surprise.

Certainly is. Heh.

Tell us what you don't like about
yourself now, Mrs. Caldarello.

Her tits, her ass, that
turkey wattle under her chin.

And maybe you could lighten
the luggage under her eyes?

I guess the only thing you
don't have to do are my lips.

Oh, not those beauties.

You did such a bang-up
job on them, doctors...

that's why we flew
all the way out here.

Well, that's very
flattering, Mrs. Caldarello.

You never struck me
as the makeover type.

We could barely talk you into
repairing the damage from your oven.

Nice work, if I say so myself. Could
never tell the skin came from your...

Breasts?

No, never.

Ordinarily, it'd be fine for Allegra
here to let gravity take its course...

but she's gotta go
back on the market.

I've got prostate cancer.
The doctors aren't optimistic.

Oh, boy.

I always figured, by the time I kicked,
she'd be set, financially speaking.

I'll be fine, Manny.

- I can get a job.
- With what skills, honey?

With a little luck, and a lot of
surgery, she'll find another guy.

Someone who can care
for her in the manner...

to which she should
have become accustomed.

Oh, those lips.

I'm gonna miss them
like nobody's business.

Ooh.

Ah, damn. Where's the head?

All I do is piss these days
because of the "big C."

By the way, I saw you
on that TV show you did.

I was quite upset about that
character you based on me.

The one you called...

- I can't even say it.
- Pussy Lips.

That's the one.

And the part about
her father abusing her?

Mrs. Caldarello...
How did you know?

I am so sorry about your husband. I
know how devoted you are to each other.

I can't imagine
life without him.

Hey, Sadie.

- Sadie?
- Sadie, Sadie, married lady.

Just trying to keep things light since
you look at me like I stole your job...

when you look at me at all.

Let's have a little
girl talk, shall we?

The thing is...

is that I wanna spend as much time
with Christian and Wilber as I can.

But if I stay at home 24/7,
they are gonna make me crazy.

So I think we
should split the job.

That's genius.

I'm totally okay with that.

Oh, well, now we can be friends.

- Ha-ha-ha.
- It's so much easier.

- Okay, I just have to ask...
- Okay, I know, I know.

No, I am... I, uh... Let's see.

I don't take antidepressants...

I have no history of diabetes, no
allergies to any drugs, no hypertension.

I'm all ready for my
surgery, Mr. DeMille.

That was helpful. Thank you.

Um, but what I really
wanna know is how it works.

Being one way and then suddenly
switching the horses midstream.

That weird?

You just lose interest
in girls? I'm just curious.

Bi-curious?

I'm sorry, I didn't mean
to be too, uh, personal.

It's just that I have trouble
keeping my own wilder side in check.

Having secrets is difficult.

Painful, don't you think?

- How's our girl?
- Her milk bottles are down a quart...

but, uh, aside from
that, she's doing fine.

I'd say they're
only down a pint.

Didn't she ask for a high C?

She said she wanted to fit into her
mother's goddamn ugly dress. A D will do.

Didn't this start because
she had back pain?

I mean, now we're killing two
big-titted birds with one stone.

Hey, where you going?

Come on, hang around.
This is history right here.

This is my last surgery.

No more lipo and
chunky divorcées...

or rhinoplasties on
self-hating Jewesses.

I am free, baby.

I'm taking Lizzy
and the kid to Italy.

We're gonna eat like pigs. I
mean, who cares if I get fat, right?

Why are you looking
at me like that?

I've had to accept this
and you will too, all right?

Which is why I'm gonna start
interviewing replacements.

Who says I wanna
hire someone new?

You think you can keep this
train running on your own?

This OR is in use
70 hours a week.

I own half of that, which
means that when I'm dead...

that money goes
to Lizzy and the kid.

I don't want them to miss out because
you're so depressed you can't get real.

They'll be taken care
of. You know that.

Even if I have to pay
them out of my own pocket.

Just it's a little
morbid to start

interviewing people
when you're still healthy.

But look, Sean, I'm doing the best I
can to keep it together about all of this.

It's not easy knowing that your
whole life is gonna go on without you.

Ahem, I just wanna know...

that the guy standing opposite
you in the scrub room every day...

is there because
I want him to be.

I can't replace you, Christian.

Everybody's replaceable, Sean.

Even me.

Can you, uh...? Can you call
me when she's coming out?

Sure.

You're gonna have
to let him go, Sean.

That man is dying, and not in a
metaphysical "we're all dying" kind of way.

He is going to be a
ghost before Halloween.

Life is changing. You
can either ride the wave...

or get smashed to
smithereens on the rocks.

That's easy for you
to say, he's my brother.

Graduated with honors from
UCLA, interned at Cedars...

a distinguished residency at the
Joseph Still Burn Center in Augusta...

guest editor for the NJM.

- Credentials speak for you.
- That's encouraging?

If I was looking to hire a
Nobel Laureate for a surgeon.

So my partner and I have been
together for, uh, over 20 years.

We've, uh, done
over 6000 surgeries.

I was best man at his wedding
and, uh, we have a son together.

So we're not looking for somebody
to just come in and play doctor.

It needs to be the right
personality fit as well.

Somebody who's willing to
emotionally invest in the practice...

as well as the partnership.

Oh, well, that's
definitely not me.

I'm only in this business
for the money and the girls.

Hmm.

- Not married?
- Don't believe in it.

Kids?

Not yet, but under the
right circumstances.

What about your dating life?

Often, but only if
they're a nine or a 10.

- Ever had twins?
- Sisters, but not twins.

- Ass man or tit?
- Why choose?

- New York or Vegas?
- New York is Vegas for anyone with taste.

Well, you got good
taste, I'll give you that.

So do you, Dr. Troy.

This room, for instance,
impeccable design.

This chair, NELO-Bäumen...

distressed celadon velvet.

And that couch, the
color, vintage tweed.

The whole palette of
this room is inspired.

I should give you the
number of my designer.

You could kiss her ass instead.

I'm sorry, I know I get
a little carried away.

My mother was in
the business. Uh...

I grew up around
this stuff. It's...

You have a patient, female,
she's come in for a brow lift.

- What's your approach?
- How old?

Early 50s.

I'd push for an endoscopic brow
lift, provided you'd use a laser.

You get nearly the same results.

The patient tells her friends
about her quick recovery...

and that only means
more repeat business.

I don't wanna do this.

Would you rather I hired first,
then find out you don't like him?

I won't like him no matter
how good he is. He's not you.

No, but he's got the
best credentials by far.

I think he could be able to break
you out of your shell from time to time...

which you're gonna
need when I'm gone.

- Oh, don't say that.
- I'm talking about the wedding.

I mean, I need time off
for that first, remember?

Who picked out this
table? This is top of the line.

Double-swivel casters, split
leg plates, beautiful lines too.

Sean spent weeks
looking for the right table.

He had to have the best one.

Well, I'm impressed.

Work with the best,
you can never go wrong.

Guess I have some
pretty big shoes to fill, then.

All right, well, I guess I'll, um,
let you guys get better acquainted.

So I understand you already
performed a labial transfer on the patient?

Mm-hm. About three years ago.

Fantastic job.

No wonder she flew all the way
out here to have you do it again.

Thank you, doctor.

I just hope one day you
can say the same thing to me.

Okay, fire it up.

- So, what do you think?
- Beautiful work, doctor.

Okay, let's do some lipo.

After work, you
wanna get a drink?

I'd like to, but I'm
scouting locations...

- for Christian's bachelor party.
- Well, you mind if I tag along?

It's always best to
get a second opinion.

Sure.

So this is Christian's
favorite place, huh?

Nice.

What were you thinking?

Ten to 15 girls back in the
champagne room for the night?

- That'd be fun.
- Yeah, fun.

Yep.

- I say something wrong?
- No, this whole thing is wrong.

Christian used to pull me in here after
a difficult surgery to blow off steam.

Of course, he got
the dances for free.

It just doesn't make
sense anymore.

- It is a bachelor party.
- It's not just a bachelor party.

I mean, he's not just
getting married, he's leaving.

After 20 years
working together...

I suddenly don't have
a partner anymore.

You're a good friend, Sean.

Yeah, I know I can
never replace Christian.

But if you give me a chance, I
know we could make a good team.

It's nothing personal.

Well, now that you mention it...

I really can't see celebrating in
this dump anyway, it's grotesque.

- The girls aren't so bad.
- The girls are top-shelf...

but if you look at the upholstery
on that couch, it's frayed...

there's food stains on the
carpet and I don't wanna know...

what you'd see if you'd shined a
black light on the chairs in the VIP room.

Are you hungry? Because I
know a great place to grab a bite.

It's not too far from here, and
it's really tastefully decorated.

Hmm.

Sure.

You're such a lucky
duckling, mi hija...

to have a handsome prince with
the power to turn you into a swan.

- Oh, ow, that hurts.
- They're gonna be a little tender, okay?

No fondling for a week.

Don't worry, you'll learn
to love it doggy style.

Christian, my mother is
standing right next to you.

Ah. That's music to my ears.

Nothing between a man
and a woman is ever wrong.

There we go. Perfect teardrops.

They're more like
water balloons.

Why didn't you do
what we decided?

Look, I took them down so you don't
need back surgery as you get older, period.

As far as getting rid of
two beautiful assets...

I made an executive decision,
one that we could both benefit from.

Heh. You're not even married
yet and you're lying to her.

That was not a
decision for you to make.

- My daughter is in charge of her own body.
- Mom.

- You are in charge of your...
- Ma. Please. No.

Please.

Christian.

I am in charge of my own body.

Then why don't you order
your body to put this on...

instead of that
moth-ridden relic?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God. This is gorgeous.

Sorry, Ma. Oh, my
God, it's gorgeous.

It's not you.

Do you want the world to know
how rich and glamorous you are?

Or do you want to take your sacred
vows in the same blessed tradition...

passed on from mother to
daughter for generations?

Ma, where are you going?

I'm gonna phone your
grandmother and tell her the news.

She's gonna kill me. And when
she does, enjoy your wedding.

- Maybe Wilber's wife could...
- One more word and I'll change my will.

Here's the key. And Dr. Troy
said make yourself at home.

- Thanks.
- Mm-hm.

I look forward to it.

I just wish you wouldn't hand
over your office to him so soon.

I'm not gonna be using it now.

And he really loves my decor.

Jeez.

- That was awkward, huh?
- Well, what the hell were you doing?

- Were you masturbating?
- Probably looked that way.

Looked like you were
screwing an invisible woman.

- There was no invisible woman.
- You were screwing the couch?

Gentlemen, I am
completely embarrassed.

So let me apologize and explain.

- I struggle with objectum sexuality.
- What's that, "couch banging" in English?

O.S. is not a widely known
condition. It's barely understood.

But it is real.

Those of us who identity
ourselves with O.S...

are fully capable of forming a strong
relationship with physical objects.

It stems from a
belief in animism.

Wait a second.

So you believe that physical
objects can be sentient beings?

Like us, they have feelings.

- And can communicate, even express love.
- So all this crap about relationships...

you were talking about screwing
one of the floor models at Pottery Barn?

I do have normal relationships with
women. They're just not as satisfying.

There's a long history of gender
assignments with cars, boats, buildings...

The difference is, I've never
stuck my dick in a tailpipe.

I tried to fight the urge.

I didn't wanna believe
that I could be capable...

of finding something like a
piece of furniture so attractive.

But there's something
irresistible to me about, uh...

a really well-built piece.

My whole life, I've been attracted
to perfection in all of its forms.

As plastic surgeons,
you can relate, can't you?

Get out.

Get out!

Next time, I'll do a
background check.

Yeah.

You're right on schedule.
What do you think?

You're very good, Dr. McNamara.

But I think it's going to take
some time to get used to these.

Oh. They'll lose some volume
once the swelling goes down.

No, I like the size.

It's just that I'm a shy person.

I'm not used to
being so out there.

There's my baby.

Did I tell you, Tito?

Reincarnated as
Gina Lollobrigida.

And she's not even
all healed up yet.

Hello, Allegra.

What is he doing here, Manny?

Oh, he insisted on being
here for your recovery.

What a guy, right?

Sorry. Dr. McNamara,
this is Tito.

Our butcher from Coconut Grove.

My best brisket. I
know how you love it.

You should have seen the look
on the x-ray guy's face at the airport.

I'm sorry, Mr. Caldarello, but,
ahem, we only allow family in recovery.

But Tito is family.

At least he will be, after I
die and he marries Allegra.

Him?

You're not gonna
find a better candidate.

That butcher shop is a cash cow.

He's a widower, and his little
girl, Connie, is pregnant with twins.

I know how much
you want grandbabies.

You can't hand-pick your
wife's second husband.

We never agreed to this, Manny.

I'm just helping move
the process along.

I know my wife better
than she knows herself.

She's always telling me
how she and Tito carry on.

I like his ground chuck, Manny.

Not to be too forward, Allegra.

I have been giving you an extra
quarter pound of it for years now.

I'm very flattered, Tito.

But I would have preferred
if Manny had waited...

until my transformation
was complete...

before inviting a
suitor in to see me.

I'm dying, babe.

Every minute counts.

If I'm gonna have some say in all of
this, I don't have any time to waste.

How do you like her new
breasts, Tito? Grade-A prime, no?

Allegra needs her rest.

And take your meat
with you, please.

Wonderful seeing you, Allegra.

I am at the Ramada Inn in
Burbank, if you want to call.

To the beautiful bride.

- Aw, thank you.
- Finally, finally.

Oh, my God.

WNBA season tickets.

- I love you, doll.
- Thank you. Love you.

And tell Christian, those are Jack
Nicholson's Lakers seats, okay?

Maybe, um, that'll
convince him to go?

Men don't want to see tall women
with muscles slamming each other.

I know, Ma.

That's what you used to tell me
when I used to play for St. Mary's.

And did you have many
dates in high school?

With men?

Are there any normal
men in high school?

This one's from me.
It's heavy, be careful.

Wow, I can't even imagine
what's in this one, huh?

Open it up, you can
read the card later.

It's a set of
All-Clad. Ha-ha-ha.

Now you're gonna have
to learn how to cook.

Like a straight woman.
Yeah, no more takeout.

And it has a lifetime guarantee.

Wow. DEIDRE: Ha-ha-ha.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome, sweetie.

Boy, that's great, huh?

- Yeah.
- A lifetime.

Oh.

Oh, sweetie. I
didn't mean anything.

None of us can cook. Right?

It's not that.

You're all just
such great friends.

Christian has cancer.

And we won't have
a lot of time together.

Maybe six months to a year.

Um, sweetie.

I just love him so much.

Now it all makes sense.

A man, a doctor with his looks.

What? Marrying me?

That's not what I said.

Okay, okay. Maybe
we should all go.

No, no, no. Please,
please. No, don't.

My whole life, you made me feel
like something was wrong with me.

I wasn't as pretty as Christy Sherman
or as feminine as Kelly Peterson.

I laugh too loud. I was
awkward. I was clumsy.

You called me
your ugly duckling.

- And I believed you.
- That was a joke, and you know it.

Did I? You could never
see me for what I was.

It was always what I wasn't.

It didn't matter that I was
funny, that I was smart.

The truth be told, if you could have
replaced me with Christy or Kelly...

- you would have done it, wouldn't you?
- You weren't exactly an easy child, Lizzy.

How could I be?

I was fighting for my life. And
the only one on my side was me.

If people made fun of
me, what did you do?

You told me to lose
weight, straighten my hair.

Is it any wonder that I spend
my life surgically altering people...

who hate themselves because
they do not measure up?

If it wasn't for the
people in this room...

I would have no
self-image at all.

These women love me.

And a few of them have
even shared my bed.

Oh, yes, that's right, Mommy.

Oh, I'm so sorry if that isn't
what you consider normal.

But maybe that's because you're
not capable of loving anyone.

Not even your own daughter.

I don't want you at my wedding.

I don't even want you
in this room anymore.

Hey, uh, make sure you
get under the cushions too.

I think he
consummated the affair.

I'd like to pay for
the cleaning, if I may.

What the hell are
you doing in my office?

I realized I left
behind my things...

- and I also wanted to return this to you.
- You could have mailed them in.

I didn't wanna put you out
any more than I already have.

You wanted to help? You could
have found me another replacement.

- I'm getting married in two weeks.
- Well, congratulations.

I feel really terrible the
way things worked out.

Just make sure you don't bang the
receptionist's desk on the way out.

Excuse me, you're not using any
toxic chemicals on her, are you?

If I had known you were
gonna look like Sophia Loren...

- I'd have taken better care of myself.
- I'm not talking to you.

Look, I know what
I did was wrong.

I'm sorry.

Tito was a stupid idea.

- Can you ever forgive me, doll?
- I can never buy meat there again.

I'm not just a possession you
can give away to the town butcher.

- I'm worth more than that, Manny.
- I know that, baby.

- You deserve the best.
- Yes, she does.

I'm glad you finally see that.

And the best is what you're
gonna get from now on.

Anthony?

Look what I got for you.

You're beautiful.

These are for you.

So, what do you think?

Well, Manny...

if it makes you happy.

She'll forget me within
a month after I'm dead.

People aren't like furniture,
they're not that easy to replace.

Remember what I taught
you? Think we can do it?

Yeah, are you
sure? Are you sure?

Okay, I'm gonna go over there. You
come over to me and show me what you got.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Okay, ready? Come on over.

I think we have an expert.
I think you're pretty good.

Now, you know, the ring
bearer is a very important job.

- Okay.
- You think you can handle it?

- Hell yeah.
- Hell yeah?

All right. Ha, ha.

So listen to me, then. Why
don't you practice a little bit more?

- Okay.
- Okay. Give us a kiss.

Thank you. Go.

Your mom really should see
him walking down the aisle.

Oh, please don't start
with me, Christian.

I'm having a hard
enough time as it is.

I never thought I'd get
married, but if I did...

I was pretty sure that my mom
would be there if she was alive.

Has she called you at least?
- Yeah.

But my decision is
final. She's not invited.

You know, you're gonna
need her when I'm gone.

Maybe.

But I don't need her
now. She's been replaced.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yes, you guys are my family.

Oh, hey there, buddy. You
wanna get in the middle of this?

- You do? All right.
- Oh.

- A little Wilber sandwich, huh?
- Here we go.

Little hug, come
on. Squeeze it in.

I love you so much.

It's a momentous night.

Getting her fiancé high
for the first time ever.

See Sean count. See Sean
eat government cheese.

I don't feel anything.

Keep smoking and keep counting.

Christian, if you
had put money...

you scored this weed with toward
the bill, we'd have made the payment.

Well, call me irresponsible.

Why do you have to
hog the camera, guys?

Or we'll be in the dark.

- I want a family.
- What's this?

I want to go back to school and
be a pediatrician once you guys...

Feels like I'm losing everyone.

Baby, baby. JULIA: Oh,
no, wait, I was out of focus.

Um, say it again. On the record.

This is our one
and only videotape.

Let's tell our audience what all this hard
work and eating ramen noodles 24/7...

I promise that
you won't lose me.

What do you want
out of your life?

- I know that I can't replace him.
- What I want?

And that's the
best I have to offer.

A girl like Julia.
JULIA: Oh, I know.

It's a lot. JULIA: My baby.

And a kick-ass
practice with Sean...

where we make women
feel better about themselves.

My specialty.

Well, we certainly
would need that.

- I want you.
- Aw.

I wanna make
people's lives better.

I wanna make a difference.