Nip/Tuck (2003–2010): Season 6, Episode 1 - Don Hoberman - full transcript

Previously on "Nip/Tuck"...

The tumor has spread to
the superclavicular lymph node.

- Give me a ball park.
- 6 months.

- My best friend just told me that he's...
- Dying?

- I actually have to say the word.
- It feels like I'm losing everything.

I want you to come home with me, Lizzie.

I want you to marry me.

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

Our lab tech switched your I. D. numbers.

Your cancer is in remission. I wish you
and your bride a long, happy life together.

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In 1987, after the infamous Black Monday crash,

a new financial golden age was born,

and along with it, a new industry,

the luxury industry.

Newfound wealth coupled
witheasily available credit

opened the door to vanities and excesses
once reserved for the rich and famous.

Since that time, the one luxury
business that has always seen annual growth

has been plastic surgery.

Doctors Sean McNamara and Christian Troy
rode this wave of financial proficiency.

They suckled unabashed from
the teat of a flush society

willing to spend millions on
the new must-have status symbols...

in compliant thighs and titanic tits.



When you're done with her lipo, you
can start on her right breast.

Do you realize we're gonna clear a quarter
of a million bucks on this patient alone?

Haha ha!

But as in every fairy tale, there
was a costly lesson to be learned.

The credit crunch hit.

Sean and Christian were
not immune to the downturn.

Beauty is symmetry, Mrs. Praline.

We're happy to do your tummy tuck, but...

you're not gonna be bikini ready
until you let us augment your breasts.

We prefer to do more than one surgery at a time.

That way you only go under anesthesia once,

and your recovery time is considerably faster.

I told you, I've only got enough left in my
home equity line of credit to get a tummy tuck.

For Sean McNamara, a man wound
tighter than a hummingbird's asshole,

the financial stress was overwhelming.

He began fighting incessantly
with his ex-wife Julia,

who now resided in New
York with their two children.

French lessons and karate?

Julia, you're over scheduling them.

Well, then you're gonna have
to start paying for it.

Sean's troubles were further exacerbated
by his new girlfriend, Teddy Rowe,

who seemed immune to the
financial anxiety gripping the nation.

Can you imagine?

She had grown accustomed
to her beau's largesse

and wasn't going to resort to trumpery when it
came to celebrating their 6-month anniversary.

I love them.

And how much are these?

125, 000.

Sean's anxiety ate at him like
vultures on fresh carrion.

He developed a seemingly
incurable case of insomnia.

Freed from his death sentence,

Christian celebrated by providing the merchants of
Rodeo Drive with his own economic stimulus package.

Hot shit rock and roll.

Congrats, doctor. She's a beauty.

Remember, Jack, spending is optimism.

Sean and Christian weren't the only ones struggling.

Just home from their honeymoon,

Christian revealed to Dr. Liz Cruz
that he wasn't dying of breast cancer

and no longer wished to remain married.

I took care of your first
and last at your new apartment.

The security deposit, too.

If you want, we can go furniture
shopping on the weekend.

- Just let me do this alone, ok?
- Come on, Liz.

- We're still friends.
- We're not friends.

I'm your wife.

Why didn't you tell me you weren't
dying when we were away?

Why did you go let me make a fool of myself?

I just wanted you to have a good time.

I'm just trying to be practical.

We'd be a perfect match
for 6 months, but 60years?

I mean, I'd be cheating on you within a week.

I just don't want to hurt you
any more than I already have.

What do you want me to do?

- Thank you for breaking my heart?
- No.

I just want you to understand
that this isn't easy for me, either.

I love you, andI 'll never
forget how you took care of me.

And this is how you repay me, huh?

Former porn millionaire Kimber Henry found
herself tossed out of Ram Peter's silk-sheeted bed

with nothing but the realization that there's
nothing less marketable than an old whore.

Once again, she tried to reinvent herself.

So you do electrolysis now?

Well, I went to night school to get certified.

Well, hear me out.

Just say some lady sasquatch
comes in for some lipo, ok?

You smooth her out, you make
her thighs like porcelain, but...

she's got some hairs back
there, and that's no good.

That's where I come in.

Ok.

Look at this. It doesn't even hurt.

And figure this is a great way
for you to promote your business.

You're gonna have an on-site esthetician, and
I know what it takes to be camera-ready.

Kimber, it's a great idea,

but business is too slow right now
to take on any new expenses.

We can't afford you.

This was rock bottom.

McNamara/Troy, once the Tiffany's
of the plastic surgery world,

was now like a malodorous whale
carcass washed up on Zuma Beach.

The clients were gone.

With them went the money,
and with that went the joy.

What is this?

It's generic. We need to cut back everywhere.

- That's bullshit.
- Christian, you're not getting it.

We are in trouble.

I want my goddamn Yoplait!

I just finished paying off
last semester's tuition,

for which you received no credits because
you never took your finals, ok?

I have here your car registration renewal.

You have 9 unpaid parking tickets,

and the credit card I
gave you for emergencies

has several luxury charges on it.

- Well, I can explain those charges.
- Matt, listen to me.

You need to pay back some of
those debts. It's ridiculous.

You got $450 for some men's
store called Emmanuel Delacroix.

It's not a men's store. Emmanuel Delacroix
is the number-one mime in the world,

and he's here doing aonce-
in-a-lifetime master class.

What?

Yeah. My acting teacher turned me on to him.

Look,

you know how they say when you find your
bliss is when the money starts rolling in?

I think I've found it.

Mime is so amazing, man. It takes us beyond
our petty egos, beyond language, and unifies us.

It's a great art form, ok?

The pure universal language of gesture.

Is this a joke?

Listen, boxcar Willie.

We can rent your room, ok? So you either
kick in, or you're out by the 1st, ok?

So get off your unicycle or whatever the hell it is
that mimes drive these days and get a goddamn real job.

You know, it's a waste of time trying
to share anything with you two.

Hello.

Mm-hmm.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

Thank you very much.

- What was that?
- That's Liz's attorney.

She's suing me for divorce.

I just never expected this from
her. She's not greedy, you know?

Possessive, maybe. Stubborn, sloppy.

Christian, remember, the trick
is not to get emotional.

It's our job to make a rational appeal
to her better nature, and... holy shit!

- Holy shit what?
- She hired Roger Payne.

With a "y, " but the meaning is the same.

How bad could it be? The guy's blind.

So is justice.

Look, this is ridiculous. I mean, come on, Liz.

We can let the lawyers argue about
this, or we can settle this as friends.

What do you say?

I never meant to hurt you.

I... I think that you should be compensated
for everything that I put you through.

Here. I hope this is enough.

Hmm. $250, 000.

Should cover your legal fees, Mrs. Troy.

Mrs. Troy? We were married 5 minutes.

Yes, well, in the course of those 5 minutes, Mrs. Troy
gave up her residence and half of her income.

- I thought I was dying.
- Is that why you put everything in her name?

You what?

I was taking care of Wilbur, you
know? I was trying to be responsible.

Well, I'm sure you want to continue to be responsible
by settling with Mrs. Troy 50% of all personal property

and half of your interest in McNamara/Troy.

What the hell are you smoking?

She can't do that.

Canshe do that?

Is it in her name?

Oh, I get it.

I get it. This isn't a negotiation; this is a gang rape.

- Welcome to California.
- Jesus, Liz, I can't believe you'd stoop this low.

- You're fired.
- Ah. Afraid not,Ddr. Troy.

You can't fire her until the case is settled.

It's the law.

Come on, Lizzie. Say something.

You should have gotten a prenup.

It's cheaper not to fight.

I just think you're in denial if you
assume it's not gonna cost you.

There's nothing wrong with being in denial, my
friend. Our whole careers were built on it.

And let's just forget about that crap, ok?

We just got to relax, drink some beer,
and enjoy the water for the day, all right?

Uh, what's all this?

What?

- They seized my boat.
- You're kidding. What for?

You know, I missed a few payments
here and there, but...

Jesus. They're saying they'll auction it off

if I don't pay the balance by
the end of the month. I mean...

- You better sell it.
- I can't sell it.

This is the only thing that isn't in Liz's name.

Jesus!

I might have to live here
if she gets the house.

I'll just take some money out of the
business, you know? Just to cover me for now.

If you borrow more, you lose your credit
rating, and then you're really worth nothing.

Then I'll get some money from you, all right?

Just front me 6 months for
the rent on the Malibu house.

Uh,

you know, now might be a good time
to give you notice. I'm moving out.

Things have been good with Teddy, and
we're talking about getting a place.

What?

Christian?

Dr. Mike Hamoui was the Miami plastic
surgeon that Christian had

not seen since their homoerotic
shower encounter two years ago.

Hey, I heard you guys
were out here now, too!

Mike, remember my partner Sean McNamara?

Yeah, yeah, of course I remember.

You know, I was just going to take the "Reverie"
out for a spin. You guys want to join me?

Hey.

- Nice boat.
-Thanks.

You guys want to get some grub?

- Yeah, sure.
-Yeah.

Yeah, I can go about 2, 000 miles without
having to stop in this bad boy right here.

Most boats, you know, go
as far as, like, Cabo.

We went to Acapulco last year
with the girls. It was a great trip.

How many feet is it?

About 102.

Yeah, I was thinking about
getting one this big, but, uh,

they're a bitch to park.

True, that.

Gives the girls, though, plenty
of room to spread out.

Sienna, honey, you're frying yourself again.

Go put on the sunscreen that
I gave you, huh? Thank you.

So, Mike, you have your
own practice out here now?

Yeah!

After I sold Christian's condo and made a huge
profit, I decided to travel around, become a pod surgeon.

I work for myself now, do surgeries.

Just don't keep an office.

Man, do I love L.A.

I don't get it. A pod surgeon?

Yeah. I find a practice and I pay 10% of
my profits to uset heir surgery suites.

There's no strings attached, I have
no overhead. It's a win/win for everyone...

Thank you, honey.

Only seconds passed before Sean and
Christian proposed a similar deal to Mike.

Bringing him into their business as a pod surgeon
would help ensure botht heir financial futures.

- I think it's really...
- Mike was happy to accept.

I know every year there's a new high-tech trend in
exercise, but nothing can compare to the kettle bells.

They originated in Russia in 1704.

Obviously the kettle bells are not a trend.

The beauty of the kettle bell is that it's
a combination of strength and cardiac...

Um, we're short a small reef retractor.

I gave mine back to Linda. Where's yours?

I gave it to Linda.

You have any idea what the hell this is?

A, uh, small reef retractor.

Oh, nice, Sean.

Oh, God. I'm sorry.

- I haven't been sleeping well.
- You know what?

I'm under a lot of stress, too, right?

But you don't see me opening us up to
a malpractice suit that could bury us.

Hey.

What's going on with you?

Don't say nothing.

Meticulous Sean McNamara does
not screw up a tummy tuck.

I haven't been able to sleep.

I'm thinking about my kids a lot.

It's Conor's birthday.

He's there, I'm here, and it sucks, but I
don't want to burden you with all this.

Hey, nothing about your life is
a burden to me, all right?

I love you.

Oh...

your sleeping pills.

I'm surprised you have not
written a scrip for yourself.

I don't want to do that.

Pills scare me.

I don't even take advil, especially after
I was rushed to the hospital a few years ago.

Ecstasy.

Yeah. I knew you'd like that.

You know, there's a beautiful resort.
It's been renovated. It's up in Ojai.

We could go away for the weekend.

It's only an hour away.

What happened to the girl who didn't give a shit
about all these conventional bourgeois trappings, huh?

Now it's all about weekends
away, his and her massages.

Hey, I'm just trying to find a
way to make you feel better.

If you're not interested in that,
just forget I said anything.

Anything.

sorry, but Dr. Hamoui is booked
solid for the next two weeks.

His next availablea ppointment
is on the 15th.

Mike, where's the couch?

Don't worry, fellas. It's all safely in storage,

and this stuff won't cost you a penny.

Feel free to use it as much as you like.

I figured you wouldn't grab that doughnut
with these machines staring at you.

You know what? We don't need anybody
telling us how to take care of ourselves.

That's not why we brought you in here.

I'm sorry.

I'll have the equipment
gone by the end of the day.

No, the equipment can stay, Mike.

What we want to talk about is
the 20 patients out in thelobby.

- That was fast, right?
- What did you do?

It's all about creating a niche
market and then selling yourself.

Business 101, fellas.

Do you mind if we sit in
on one of your consults?

Yeah.

Will they be assisting in the surgery?

Absolutely not.

They're excellent surgeons, but

I'm the only doctor who lays
a hand on any of my patients.

They're just here to consult.

Good.

My friend Lindsey Thompson...

she said you're the best.

She said her vaginal
rejuvenation saved her marriage.

I remember Lindsey.

How many kids do you have?

3, all boys.

My youngest, Derek...

he was a very hard birth.

I needed two episiotomies,

and, well, things haven't been the same

down there since.

There are thousands of women
just like you out there.

It's exactly why I've
stream lined my practice.

One procedure done right...

vaginal reconstruction.

It's brilliant.

Do you realize, most vaginal reconstructions
take less than 20 minutes to perform?

And they cost 15 grand a pop.

No wonder he's raking it in.

We can do this, Christian.

We're better surgeons than he is.

How often do you and your
husband have sex, mrs. Brett?

I understand,

but you don't have to be ashamed.

I know this is unorthodox,

but I want you to feel comfortable with me.

I have nothing to hide,

- and neither should you.
- Lindsey said you might dothis.

He's selling sex.

We can do that.

Damn straight.

I was in "Playgirl."

Oh, it all sounds so good, but

our insurance won't cover the procedure.

You think you don't deserve this.

I'm sorry, but I got to call bullshit on that one.

You just need to find a way
to reclaim your sexuality.

Is there a better way than to make the
tool with which you express that sexuality

look and feel the way it did
when you were in your 20s?

I want you to know,

this isn't just another surgery to me,

and I'm not some high-school kid who
thinks that every vagina is the same.

Yours is different. It's...

special, and I'm gonna get
to know it inside and out.

When's you next appointment?

We can't just start stealing Hamoui's clients.

We need his 10% to keep the electricity on.

So, we'll come to him with aplan,

include him in on it.

Well, we're the experts.

He'll look like a novice next to us.

I'm telling you,

there are hundreds of thousands
of women who need this.

That's a lot of untapped vagina.

How you planning on reaching them,

crazy Sean's cross-country gyno tour?

No. Better.

We need to call Kimber first.

Christian, wake up. Hey, hey, wake up.

Jesus, it's 2:00 in themorning.

Just because you can't sleep,
doesn't mean I shouldn't.

It's on right now. Come on. Get up.

Los Angeles... land of the beautiful people,

where dreams always come
true and fantasy is reality,

where you're as young as you feel
when your partner is inside of you.

Hi, I'm Dr. McNamara of
McNamara/Troy plastic surgery.

These days, there are so many
options for male sexual gratification,

but fewer choices for our fairer sex.

I'd like to tell you about a new technique

we've developed called the vaginal uplift.

According to Masters and Johnson,

sexual satisfaction is due
to the amount of frictional

forces generated during intercourse.

sweetie.

This simple out patient procedure restores

the architectural integrity of the vagina.

It takes under an hour, andin just days,

both you and your partner will be enjoying
a whole new level of sexual satisfaction.

Hi. I'm Kimber Henry, actress.

Some of you may remember me from
my work as an adult film star.

After I retired, I gave birth to my babygirl.

I was having trouble reaching orgasm.

That's when I decided to go see
the doctors at McNamara/Troy.

Tell us what you don't like about your vagina.

They were respectful, relaxed,
and informative.

They asked me to tell them exactly

what I was hoping for and
how I wanted to look and feel.

Mm, and the exam was gentle and discreet.

If you call and book your
consult in the next half-hour,

we are offering a 6-installment
fee, payable over the next year.

But don't take it from us.

Listen to some of our satisfied customers.

I felt a lot of shame when
my significant other told me

that my vagina reminded him
of a roast beef sandwich,

but sincemy vaginal uplift,

I feel more attractive and more confident,

and the bonus is no pesky incontinence
when I swing that golf club.

I feel like a 20-year-old
on the green again.

You guys are great.

Yes!

Yeah. That's the way to go.

- Right?
- Yes!

It's a winner.

Well done.

Ok. Did you brush your teeth?

Did you get all that nasty cotton
candy out of your mouth, huh?

Let's see.

Oh, my goodness, have you ever seen
cleaner teeth in your whole life?

No.

Nighty-night, sweetie.

Can we go to the zoo nextweek?

Of course you can.

Aunt Lizzie is your buddy, right?

Right.

Right.

I love you, auntie Liz.

I love you, sweetheart.

Ok. You go to sleep.

Love you.

You sure you have to leave sosoon?

I made your favorite... mushroom risotto.

- I thought maybe you could...
- I lied about liking your risotto.

It tastes like gruel.

Oh, well, maybe you could stay for a drink.

Oh, come on, Lizzie. It's us.

Don't you dare use that word.

Why? There's always gonna bean us.

If there's one thing I've learned
about life, it's that it's fragile.

Relationships like ours
are rare, weird but rare.

I don't want to lose you.

Neither does Wilbur.

Come on. Let's take the boxing gloves
off just for a minute for his sake.

I got a 1995 Chateau Mandeville.

Is it expensive?

This is a $400 bottle of wine, sweet thing.

Well, then I'll take half of it.

Oh. That's what I've always loved about you.

Is it?

Is that what you loved
about me, my sense of humor?

Because it's been a long time
since I laughed about anything.

You've pretty much wrung
all the joy out of me.

Tell me what I can do to make it up to you.

You're gonna make it up to me, all right.

That's why I hired roger.

I'm not talking about money.

That lawyer you hired, he's scum.

You really think that cleaning me
out is gonna make you feel any better?

Yes. I do, and you know why?

Because you can't keep treating
people like toilet paper.

You can't keep wiping your ass with them

and flushing them like they're disposable.

I used to have such scorn for
those women who fell all over you.

I thought they were all empty-headed
bimbos, the way they'd cry over you,

but, you know, I see them differently
now because I became one of them,

and I am gonna stand up
on behalf of all of us

because I am not gonna
let it be so easy for you.

I am not gonna allow
you to break my heart and

- then not suffer the consequences.
- Oh, stop being such a drama queen.

I mean, serious, your heart is gonna be fine.

Your dance card is gonna
be twice as full now

you've discovered the joys of
dick. I mean, let's face it.

- Face what?
- Face the fact that yours truly here, ok,

I found your g-spot.

What the hell are you doing with it?

I'm wasting your money, Christian.

And to think I was such an idiot that I
felt bad coming over here, wringing you dry.

Lizzie, come on. Just calm down.

You know what'll calm me down?

A boat, yours.

Don't you even think about it.

Oh, you can kiss that goodbye,

and when you're sitting here and
you're cutting out your little coupons,

I want you to think of me partying

on my hot, floating dyke bar...

the Lesboat.

Once we saw your infomercial on tv,

we had to come in.

Yeah. Mrs. Hoberman, tell me what
you don't like about your vagina.

Her vagina is fine.

It's better than that.

We'rehere for don.

Yeah. I want one of those 6-pack surgeries.

Well, the surgical term
is abdominal etching, but...

Our infomercial was about
vaginal rejuvenation.

No. I know, but you know the scene

where you're playing volleyball
with the other guy, Dr. Hamoui?

Yeah. Well, seeing you two
with your shirts off next to him

made me realize how much I let myself go.

What?

I'm changing locks by tomorrow, right?

You either pay your share
of the rent by sundown,

or you can sleep on the beach
with all the other freaks.

What can I get you?

Small or large, Marcel?

It's $1. 08.

You need 8 more cents.

No money, no coffee.

This ain't a charity.

You can't pay, go someplace else.

Leave before I call a cop.

Let go, you freak.

Now you're gonna pay for that.

Ok, ok. You can have your dollar back, ok?

Ok, ok. Ok.

Here.

Dr. Troy, you do realize that your being here

places me inviolation of the legal
code of professional responsibility.

You recognize my cologne.

Just give me 5 minutes of your time,

and if you don't like my proposition,

you never saw me.

all right. You have 5 minutes.

I'll give you 250 grand

now and another 250 if you convince

Liz cruz to drop the case.

Dr. Troy, this is a breach of ethics.

It is against everything that I stand for.

Besides, it would take
more than a tawdry bribe to

get me to jeopardize a
lifetime of legal practice.

How much, then?

Take off your pants.

Excuse me?

My secretary tells me you're an adonis.

I'd like to know what an adonis
sounds like when he jerks off.

I'm sorry. What?

Masturbate.

Pleasure yourself in front of me,

describing to me exactly what
you're doing stroke by stroke.

Once you bring yourself to
climax, I will accept your offer,

and I wil lconvince Mrs. Troy
that we cannot win the case.

Gee, what about your ethics code?

I don't think that this is
covered in the aba handbook.

Besides, I can always
claim that I never saw you.

So, you're a pervert.

Dr. Troy, your proposition requires

that I compromise myself on your behalf.

This is simply quid pro quo.

- Your 5 minutes are up.
- Wait, wait, wait. No, no. Wait. Just, uh

Ok.

There. Pants are off.

Lair.

Don't worry. No one can
see through the windows.

Whatever.

That's better.

Touch your dick, Dr. Troy,
and describe it to me.

Feels great. It's very hard.

We're not in a courtroom now, Dr. Troy.

I want more than just the facts.

Paint me a picture, how your
hand feels as you touch it.

Take off your briefs. Let yourself breathe.

This is ridiculous.

I'll see you in court.

Good luck.

You know, I did lose a case once...

Yeah.

But unlike you, I wasn't able
to make him take his pants off.

That's when I knew he had me.

Let's look at the bright side, partner.

At least Mr. Hoberman's 6-pack
will bring in some income.

And maybe Christian can take his
share and get a gym membership.

You got to do something
about that gut there, tubby.

Liz, that's enough.

I know, and isn't it great?

Because I can say whatever I
want to, and he can't fire me.

You know, Sean, I'm thinking
we're done with hoberman here.

We should turn our fat-sucking
wand onto Liz's huge ass.

All right. Enough!

Has it occurred to either of you the
effect you're having on Switzerland here?

I stay up late nights trying to figure
out a way to help you two make amends.

Deal with your hurt feelings and
grow up. I'm sick of this shit.

Ok. I am so sorry, Sean,

but from a medical viewpoint,

this looks more like lumpy oatmeal
than it does a body by jake.

Dr. Hamoui,

could you come here and help
out Sean and Christian, please?

Hey, you guys got a patient
of your own. That's awesome.

How may I be ofservice?

Could you please just lift
up your shirt and show them

what the end result is
supposed to look like?

- Oh.
- Thank you.

It was in that moment that
Sean and Christian realized

they had lost the greatest
luxury of them all,

something more important
to them than money...

their youth.

Give me a 20 blade.

What for?

I want to cut Liz's tongue out.

Ok. Here it is...

aunt dottie's famous garbage salad.

I hope aunt Dottie's garbage didn't
include coffee grounds and sour milk.

No. Garbage salad

is whatever is still good in your fridge plus

fresh lettuce, hard-boiled egg,
and a special lemonade dressing.

Mm, this is really good.

I'm not kidding.

It's as good as a $50 lobster in my book.

I don't know what I was thinking,

all my obsessing on

expensive resorts and honeymoon suites.

I would rather be here
eating garbage salad

with you on your balcony
than anything else.

You know, I was thinking about Christian,

his little legal nightmare with Liz,

and I don't mean to
get ahead of anything

but I want you to know
I would sign a prenup.

I don't want your money.

I just want you.

Well, I would never ask that of you.

Hey, we're in this for love, you and me.

Christian and Liz had some unusual
issues going into their marriage.

Could you see us spending our lives together?

I could.

Sean McNamara, will you marry me?

Yes. I will.

While some more optimistic analysts predict

that the downturn is finally ending,

this financial voice of authority
believes it will be a long time

before Americans can sleep soundly again.

Dr. Mcnamara, I know
what I want for breakfast.

Sean?

Sean?

Sean?

Sean, wake up, Sean.

Ok.

Christian!

Christian!

Christian, get up!

Christian!

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