Nip/Tuck (2003–2010): Season 5, Episode 13 - August Walden - full transcript
When Sean reads an awful review about himself in Entertainment Weekly, he decides to confront the man who wrote it. He discovers that the man August Walden, is actually a hideous and grotesque looking person and decides to help him become less hostile by making him better looking. Christian helps out a woman with a birth defect and when Matt meets her, he becomes very enticed with her. However he later learns that this woman could possibly be his half-sister. Christian cheats on Julia and they break up. Julia also finds out that Eden has been poisoning her food.
Previously on Nip / Tuck...
Sean McNamara, you are the
new star of Hearts 'N Scalpels!
Sean McNamara is
sexy and vulnerable.
So you're gonna be seeing a lot more
scenes like this on Hearts 'N Scalpels.
I made some fruitcake
as sort of a peace offering.
So tell me, what exactly does
a fluffer of your caliber do?
I got NGU. That
means I gave it to you.
Look me in the eyes and tell
me you're not attracted to me.
I am attracted to you.
I love her, and there's
nothing you can do about it.
Ava's a man.
Buy me a drink?
You got a goddamn dick! I'm
not gay! Okay? I'm not into that!
- Is that a swastika on it?
- I'm not a Nazi, Matt, but I am a purist.
The tech works, Matt.
You just gotta trust it.
Married?
Matt and I exchanged
our vows three days ago.
I never loved you, Matt.
I told you I did, but I lied.
I'm Rachel Ben Natan, your
burn rehabilitation counselor.
I am here to assist you.
Hey, listen to this."Hearts 'N
Scalpels has sunk to a new low.
"What was once a mildly
interesting melodrama
"has now replaced its sole
charismatic player, Aidan Stone,
"with the milquetoast,
Dr. Sean McNamara.
"While Stone does the requisite
Hollywood star turn in rehab,
"McNamara ruins
the Rome that he built.
"He's so dull as Dr. Peter
Casey, the best thing I can say
"is that watching him
is a cure for insomnia,
"or maybe he's the
answer to global warming,
"for soon, televisions
around the nation will go dark."
Oh, my God. I am so glad
that I took that out of the lobby
- before Sean got to see it.
- Let me look at this thing.
"And I'm not yet speaking of
McNamara's abilities as an actor.
"I can't get past the face, or should
I say cardboard box on shoulders,
"a puddle of muddy water,
a jellyfish without the sting.
"My only wish is that he
turn that scalpel on himself.
"Perhaps a scar could
bring some character
"to that brown paper bag
McNamara calls a head."
- Oh!
- What are you reading?
- Oh, man.
- Nothing!
Is your 10:00 here?
August Walden's review
of Hearts 'N Scalpels
in Entertainment Weekly.
Guess he doesn't
like me very much.
- You are very handsome, Sean.
- Very.
And Walden doesn't like anybody.
I mean, he said that James Gandolfini
looked like a scrotum with legs.
If you want to be a
TV star, buddy boy,
you're gonna have to get a
thick skin about this kind of stuff.
Yeah, you're right. I'll
see you in the consult.
All right.
- What?
- You know what.
Oh, come on, man!
Who gives a crap what some
jealous loser wannabe says?
If it makes you feel better,
just get a good review
and read it 10 times over. That's
what I do on the odd occasion
some sexy lady declines to do
the horizontal shuffle with me.
I fill my dance
card with 10 more.
You've never had anyone tell you
your head looks like a brown paper bag.
True.
Oh, come on. You're a good-looking
guy! Look, I'll take this consult.
You go get yourself some ice
cream, or a lollipop or something. Huh?
Make me beautiful
Make me
A perfect soul
A perfect mind
A perfect face
A perfect lie
She was over at our house
the other day, you know.
- Falafel-face?
- Hmm.
She and Matt were locked in
his room for a couple of hours.
"Locked in his room"
locked in his room?
Sounded like it.
I didn't hear any talking.
Oh! Hey, guys.
What are you guys
doing over there?
These are all the surgeries
we've performed on Rachel.
Six of them. Can
you tell the difference?
A little.
You're being too generous.
We have relieved most of her pain,
given her cheekbones some definition,
and restored about 60%
of her sense of smell.
Otherwise, she looks
exactly the same.
What's your point?
The point is, she's never
gonna look any better than this.
- All right. And looks are all that matter.
- Of course not.
Look, I'm just gonna say it, all right?
I don't care if she shits solid gold,
you can't underestimate
the burden
that comes with dating
somebody like this.
You two are unbelievable. Look,
she nursed me through my recovery.
She made me feel like I
was actually worth something.
- Are you wearing rubbers with her?
- What? Why?
Why? Because you're a
perfect catch for a girl like this!
She forgets to take her pill one day, and
you're trapped for the rest of your life!
- You guys are such assholes.
- Matt, wait. Matt.
You were vulnerable when you met her.
You just got out of one bad relationship.
We just don't wanna see you
getting buried in another one.
No, you just don't want your son
dating some girl who's walking proof
that you two aren't gods, that you
can't make everyone look perfect.
You know, you guys have been
messing with people's faces for so long,
that I don't think you even know
what ugly looks like anymore.
Miss Lowell, tell me what
you don't like about yourself.
You're sweet. No one's ever
pretended not to notice before.
But call me Emmie.
Emmie, if there's one thing I've learned
in this business, it's not to assume.
So tell me, you want a nose job?
When I first saw your picture
online, I didn't think you'd be so funny.
I like it. Makes the plane trip
out here even more worthwhile.
So where are you
from? South Carolina?
Please. I'm a Jersey
girl, born and raised.
Guess we both have the
same sense of humor, huh?
Actually, I'm from
Cleveland, Georgia.
It's a tiny little town in the
Smoky Mountains up north.
This is my first time traveling away
from home, if you can believe it.
I think I'm afraid
of flying, too.
Yet you got on a plane
for the first time ever
and came all the way out
here for a consult. Why?
You're the doctor who set up
the Hedda Grubman fund, right?
Well, I don't have
a lot of money.
And when I went on Google
and typed in "free plastic surgery,"
your name came up and said
you do cases like mine for no pay.
Well, you know, where
birth defects are involved.
Technically, what you have
is called naevus flammeus.
It's where the deep
dilated capillaries
cause the skin to
turn a reddish purple.
It's really more of a
birthmark than a skin defect.
It's actually quite common.
One in 3,000 newborns have it.
Not like this, they don't.
The procedure involves
several laser treatments.
I know you flew all
the way out here,
but I really have a very
long waiting list right now.
A waiting list? I've
waited 24 years!
I spent all I had
just to get out here,
and then the cab ride from the airport
cost almost as much as the plane.
You ever read The
Scarlet Letter, Dr. Troy?
In college, yes.
That's what my mom used
to call this, her scarlet letter.
Said it was the shame she had to bear
for having me with some one-night stand.
But it's not just her.
I've never been accepted by anyone
my whole life because of this face.
That's the real reason I
never left home until now.
And now that I'm here, I
can't go back looking like this.
I won't.
You know, when August
Walden gave me my first review,
I ate an entire box of those.
Even the kinds with sprinkles,
which I don't even love,
and a half a tray of
sausages. I was so bloated,
I couldn't get my costume
zipped after my lunchtime coma.
It was ridiculous.
So this is what this does?
Rips people to shreds?
Yeah. Let's see. "The dreary Kate
Tinsley brings to mind a sullen coonhound.
"Her body resembles
that of a butternut squash,
"and her speech
pattern makes me wonder
"if she hasn't yet swallowed
her breakfast kibble."
Yeah. Emblazoned
on my brain forever.
I hope you've got some of your
good reviews memorized as well.
Yeah, well, the good ones you
forget. The bad ones are forever.
Oh.
You learn to live
with it, you know?
I mean, being in
the spotlight, you...
You're asking people to
weigh in on what you look like.
What you can avoid
is choosing a lover
who looks at you
with a critic's eye.
So where does this
guy live? Who knows?
Maybe, one night, I'll get hammered
and show up at his door and take him out.
Actually, he always hangs out at
that coffee shop over on Riverside.
Sits there all day long,
typing on his computer.
Of course no one
wants to confront him.
Everyone's so scared of his
scathing tongue, you know.
You know, you seem
like you're in a good place.
I'm sorry about everything.
I hope we can be friends.
Yeah, we're good.
On one condition.
You actually do it.
Go to the coffee shop.
Rip the guy a new one on
behalf of actors everywhere,
and record it on your cell phone so
I can watch it over and over again.
- It's not really my style.
- Really? "Milquetoast"?
"His face looks like a
cardboard box on shoulders,
"a puddle of muddy water,"
"a jellyfish without the sting"?
You're gonna let that go?
Puddle of muddy water.
Here's your double
espresso, Mr. Walden.
August Walden?
Have we met?
Not officially.
I'm the puddle of muddy water
which can only evoke
yawns from the audience.
Ah, yes. An unmemorable
appearance off-screen as well as on.
You know, I came here
with the intention of getting
some sort of an apology from you,
the way you just attack people.
But now I get it. Now I
understand why you do it.
I do it because I'm paid
to advise the general public
of what and whom is worthy of
their attention and admiration.
Just cut the shit, will you?
You're so eaten up with
jealousy, so full of self-contempt
because of your own
extraordinary ugliness,
you have to make others pay.
I shouldn't be asking you for an
apology. I should be apologizing to you
for what you have to go through
every day, looking the way you do.
If only making other people feel
badly could make you feel better.
CHRISTIAN ON ANSWERING
MA CHINE: Hey, baby, it's Christian.
Just confirming lunch today.
I thought you'd
gone. I would've.
Who was she? Someone you picked
up at the carwash, the drugstore?
Gas station.
You really don't give a
shit about me at all, do you?
For years, I've fantasized
about being with you.
It's just...
In my head, you were so perfect.
But in life, with all this messy
pain and illness and
goddamn regret, it's just...
It's not the same.
Is it?
I'm sorry, I can't
change who I am. I tried.
Yeah, you've been in my
head for a long time, too.
Always there, tempting me.
Only, in my head,
you were beautiful.
Deep down, you had
a kind, caring soul.
And only now do I see
just how ugly you really are.
Oh, my God, what
a mistake I've made.
Here I had a second chance
with Olivia, kind, caring.
In sickness and in
health, you know?
And I've blown it,
wasting all my time on you.
It's not like I don't love you.
I just want us to be friends.
Friends?
You have done a lot of
things in your time, Christian,
but to do this to me now,
when I needed you so much.
Maybe one day I'll
be able to forgive,
but I know that
I'll never forget.
So tell me what you
don't like about yourself.
Although it's sadly obvious.
I thought it would only be fair to
write a review of my appearance.
I'd like to hear it.
"In all my years, I've never
met an uglier human being
"than August Walden.
Though calling him human
"could be construed as
an insult to the phylum."
Please continue.
"Below the mating
caterpillars Walden calls brows,
"two extremely farsighted
eyes droop like a basset hound's
"under the pull of gravity.
"In fact, his entire face looks as
if it's been pulled and stretched
"by a hyperactive toddler
playing with Silly Putty."
All right, look. The other day,
I was, maybe, a bit too harsh.
If I'm the reason you're here...
You are the reason I'm
here, Dr. McNamara. I am
thankful for your words.
You were right.
And frankly, the first person
to say it to my horrific face.
I have been isolating myself for
years behind this Halloween mask.
Scaring away everyone
with whom I come in contact.
In particular, a young lady
of whom I have grown fond,
a lithe beauty of a
barista at the cafe.
Every day, Doctor, I am
there, trying to connect with her,
yet unable to hold her gaze
for more than a mere moment.
Can you help me connect
with her, Dr. McNamara?
What are you doing? I
told you to stay in bed.
Well, since the
surgery was free,
I figured I had to do
something to pay you back.
Oh, I cleaned the bathroom, too.
Someone does you a
favor, you do one back.
Well, take a break. Sit down. I
need to see how you're healing.
Don't you think it'd be better
if you found a plastic surgeon
you didn't just trash
in your magazine?
If I did, I couldn't correct
the error of my ways.
After the surgery, I will happily write
another critique of Hearts 'N Scalpels.
And specifically, you,
which, I can assure you, you
will appreciate more than the last.
So maybe my face isn't a
cardboard box on shoulders?
I was thinking more along the lines of
"reminiscent of a young Gary Cooper."
Oh.
You know what the kids
used to call me in school?
Swamp Thing. Isn't that awful?
The boys wouldn't go near me in
high school 'cause of how I looked.
I never even had a real boyfriend,
though I did meet this one guy online.
Is something wrong?
No, it's...
Come here.
Oh, my God.
There are ethical questions
to me performing your surgery.
- Conflicts of interest...
- If you have an opening, Doctor,
I am ready to go under
the knife immediately.
We have an opening at 2:00.
I could really use
some lipstick, couldn't I?
There once was an ugly duckling
With feathers all
stubby and brown
And my hair's a mess.
And the other birds
in so many words said
Get out of town
Not a quack, not a quack
Not a waddle or a quack
But a glide and a whistle
and a snowy white back
And a head so noble and high
Say who's an ugly duckling?
Emmie, you're beautiful.
Not I
Not I
- Hey, Mattie.
- Oh, hey.
- How you doing?
- I'm doing all right.
Nice flowers.
Oh, thanks. Yeah, they're for
my girlfriend. She's in recovery.
Emmie, this is Matt.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Emmie just had a port stain removed
from her face. Doesn't she look great?
Yeah, sure. Congratulations.
We're going to Neiman's to celebrate.
You should come with. We can have lunch.
Yeah, no thanks, I'm gonna
watch Munich with Rachel.
- Fun.
- Yeah.
Well, Emmie's new in town,
so maybe you guys
should get together later
and you could
show her the sights.
- Stop it, Christian.
- Stop what?
Look, Emmie?
You look great. And
I'm really happy for you,
but contrary to some people's opinion,
I have a girlfriend who I love very much.
Learning Hebrew?
Yeah. I'm taking a course at
the Jewish community center.
Jesus.
You'll take any kind of
Kool-Aid a girl will feed you, huh?
It was nice meeting you.
Honey?
Honey.
How are you? I've
been so worried.
Oh, my God, you look so sick.
I know how terrible I look.
And it's funny, you know,
because I've always
relied on a certain beauty,
and it's really
superficial, I know,
but without it, I just... I
don't even know who I am.
Just don't get upset, please.
I think you're the most beautiful
person I have ever known.
In every single way.
I've really missed you, Julia.
I'm not gonna let anything
happen to you. You're my angel.
I've been having an
affair with Christian.
It's over, finally,
and for the last time.
I feel like I've been in a fever
dream. Well, a nightmare, really.
I just don't know how
you can forgive me,
let alone love me.
No use getting angry.
We're gonna put
that energy into action.
We're gonna send that hair
to a lab in Westbury, Virginia.
They've made some amazing
diagnoses for me in the past.
I have been to
every doctor in LA,
and no one seems to
know what's wrong with me.
Western doctors.
God, they all have
their narrow little focus.
No one's looking
at the big picture!
We're gonna find out
what's wrong with you.
I promise.
Julia, would you like
honey in your tea?
No, thanks.
You know, you really
have been a doll, Eden.
I know we've had our
differences, but, you know, frankly,
you've been the only one
who's lifted a finger for me
since Olivia hasn't been here.
Well, I know I act up
sometimes, but you're sick.
It kind of takes
the fun out of it.
Hey, there's one more piece of fruitcake
in the fridge. You want me to get it?
Okay. Yeah, sure. It seems to
be the only thing I can keep down.
I really have to bake
you another one of these.
Who knew you loved
fruitcake so much?
Well, don't be shy. You're
the only one who eats it.
I think I'll take it to
my room for later.
Ready for my close-up,
Dr. McNamara?
Sometimes we make miraculous
improvements with a single surgery,
and in other more serious cases, we
hope for incremental improvements.
It may take a few more
surgeries than I anticipated.
I'm not going to do any more.
Why not? I thought you...
No, Matt was the one who
kept pushing and pushing,
but my plans have changed.
Sean, our 11:00 is
early. She's in my office.
Dr. Troy, in case I
don't see you again,
I just wanted to thank
you for all you've done.
I'm leaving, going
back to Israel.
Mattie didn't mention
anything about that.
I haven't told him yet.
He's a nice boy, but
he's very confused.
I don't understand. You
and Matt, he thinks...
I know what he thinks.
He thinks I am the answer,
that Judaism is the answer.
He goes from one
thing to another.
The answer's always
out there somewhere.
He needs to go inside.
That's the only place it is.
Don't you think you should
be telling Matt about this?
Tell me what?
We have a consultation. Stick
around after, and we'll talk, okay?
Hey, you look good.
What's wrong?
I'm going home,
Matt. Back to Tel Aviv.
Why? I don't understand.
It is not right between
us, Matt. I just...
I don't love you.
- I thought what we shared was...
- Was lovely, yes.
But I'm not attracted to you.
I'm so sorry, but I'm not.
You're not attracted to me?
Attraction has nothing to do
with what the person looks like.
It's an inner chemistry.
It's there, or it isn't.
I'm sorry, but...
Have you looked
in a mirror lately?
I know what you must think.
You think because I am not
beautiful, I have no right to be picky.
Perhaps you thought you
could avoid getting hurt
by choosing someone
too desperate to reject you.
Oh, you know what?
Screw you, okay?
I mean... You and all your bullshit
about how looks don't matter,
like you're some poster
girl for inner strength.
You won't find the parts of
yourself that are missing in me.
You need to look inside.
Only then will you be able to
express love instead of need.
Need? I don't need you,
Rachel, I felt sorry for you.
Because the only chemical reaction
you're gonna get from a man is pity.
Here, these are
for you. Enjoy them.
It's a dream come
true. I'm not...
No, you're the one
living with regrets, not me.
Hey, everything all right?
Oh.
My mother. She can be a
little overprotective, I guess.
Um.
Do you wanna go grab some lunch?
There was no way I thought
you could do that again.
I didn't think I could
do it again either.
I have never felt a connection
like this before. It's amazing.
- It's like we just fit together.
- Yeah.
- Our bodies, our skin.
- It's amazing.
Yeah.
God, I always wanted my
first time to be special like this.
Your first time?
I just took your virginity?
- You're not upset, are you?
- Upset?
Are you kidding me? I'm honored.
I'm honored.
These last days have
just been so amazing.
Let's see.
First, I met my father, and
then I got my face fixed,
and then I met you.
Wow. You met your father?
And I look just
like him, I think.
And we have the same sense of
humor... It's amazing, just amazing.
Who is he?
My plastic surgeon, Dr. Troy.
They still saved my same
table for me, Dr. McNamara.
And now I'm crossing my fingers that a
certain someone bothers me constantly.
Yeah. Where is she?
Bran muffin. Thanks.
- Oh. She's very pretty.
- The apple of my eye.
I'm gonna go clean.
Welcome back, Mr. Walden.
Almost didn't recognize you.
We've got a fresh batch
of pumpkin muffins today.
Oh, and by the way,
thanks. You changed my life.
Is that so?
Well, I was in an episode
of NCIS that you reviewed.
You said that you'd rather
clean cat piss out of the carpet
than watch another
moment of my acting.
That my portrayal of a kidnapping
rapist was worse than the crime committed.
Then you're lucky
you still have this job.
You killed my dream.
Just when I was starting
to pick up momentum,
my recurring role on
the show was dropped.
My agent left me.
I don't make enough
money here to make rent.
I have to go back to Oregon
and live with my mother.
And I am to blame?
You need to take responsibility
for your lack of artistry,
not to mention insight.
Yeah, I do.
I take full responsibility
for my career and for this.
Okay, so according to California law,
what we did was technically not illegal
and not that crazy either, okay?
Here. Come here. Look.
What's this?
It's a blog devoted to
couples who are related.
"Like everyone else here,
"my brother and I are not
just having sex, we are in love.
"Tom and I have been
together for two years
"and feel that
because we are related,
"have a stronger bond than
any other non-incest couple.
"For us, incest is
the best of all worlds."
- Wow.
- Yeah.
They go on to talk about this
scientific study that was done
showing that, you know,
siblings who are raised together
develop this innate sexual repulsion,
but, you know, when they're separated
and raised apart like us, you
know, they don't have that.
So there was no way we'd
feel like what we did was wrong.
Yeah, and apparently in
other cultures around the world,
they don't have a
problem with it either.
But Mother Nature has a say.
You get freak babies
if you inbreed, right?
Well...
We used a condom.
It's okay. We're fine.
- I was born damaged like that.
- No...
Look, you don't know how
hard it is, how people look at you.
- I don't want that to happen again...
- It won't. I promise.
Okay?
Does that mean we have to stop?
'Cause you don't want to?
Oh, man.
This is wrong.
Look...
Only if your mom's right,
okay? What if she's wrong?
What if we're not related
at all? It's all gonna be fine.
Hey.
Hey. Mattie. Emmie.
How long you guys been here?
About an hour.
Yeah, Emmie's never
seen the ocean before,
so I thought this'd be the
best place to check it out.
Great.
Well, you guys are getting to know
each other, so I'll get out of your way.
Actually, can I talk
to you for a second?
- Of course.
- Yeah.
- She's a great girl, huh? Huh?
- Yeah.
Um.
Look, there's something
that you need to know,
and it may come
as a bit of a shock.
Sure.
Emmie...
Emmie forgot her birth
control at her house,
- and we need an emergency prescription.
- Of course. Of course.
- I'm just glad you're being safe.
- Yeah.
Hey, pretty great what
happened to Walden, huh?
No. It's not pretty great.
The man suffered second
and third-degree burns.
He's gonna need four
or five painful operations.
- His sight might be compromised forever.
- Okay. Jeez. Mr. Sensitive.
What, you don't think he
deserves it just a little bit?
No. I don't.
And that kid who did it is going
to jail, so it's not a happy ending.
Hello, darlings.
May I join the wake?
You have read it, right?
Read what?
Well, I never take these
things too seriously,
but we were just skewered
in the Los Angeles Times.
Perhaps you shouldn't see it.
Give it back when you're done.
And, darlings, don't let
this affect today's work.
Sean, you are not flat and monotone,
and, Kate, darling, you are not...
- "A lumpy zero."
- "...A lumpy zero."
Wait a... Let me...
- I'll split it with you.
- Get your own.
It's the only thing
keeping me from suicide.
I see.
Thank you.
Hey, Julia. I made
some of my healing tea.
Think it's really starting to work. I
feel like you're getting better. Don't you?
You drink it.
Why would I drink it? You're
the one who's been sick.
Thanks to you.
I don't know what
you mean, Julia.
Don't you?
You've been poisoning me
with all your soups and
the teas and that fruitcake.
I think whatever you have is
starting to seep into your brain.
Yes, it has.
Mercury poisoning
does that to you.
It kills the organs and
destroys the brain cells.
I just got off the phone
with the toxicology lab.
I sent them that last
piece of fruitcake.
It had an 80% contamination
rate for mercury.
I have proof of what
you've been doing to me.
You made a mistake in
underestimating me, Eden.
You are going to jail.
You are a sick, sick girl,
and you need to be locked up!
I've had fun.
You know, watching you
slowly get weaker and weaker.
I couldn't wait every day to come home
and serve you a cup of tea, bowl of soup.
Pouring the mercury in
was the highlight, really.
Knowing it would eat you
away from the inside out.
I could not wait to literally remove
your pathetic, whining presence
from the people that I
love the most in this world,
my mother, Sean.
But I can't argue
with proof, now, can I?
You've outsmarted me, Julia.
You win.
I have to pay for
what I've done.
I'll go pack my bags, and we can
wait for my mother to get home,
and I...
I'll confess everything
to her and to the police.
I'll... It's okay. I'm
gonna confess. I'm...
I'm sorry.
You really should
lock up your firearms
and not leave them in
a bedside table drawer,
you stupid bitch.
You know, you were
right about one thing, Julia.
I made a horrible mistake.
Mercury takes too damn long.
English-SDH
Sean McNamara, you are the
new star of Hearts 'N Scalpels!
Sean McNamara is
sexy and vulnerable.
So you're gonna be seeing a lot more
scenes like this on Hearts 'N Scalpels.
I made some fruitcake
as sort of a peace offering.
So tell me, what exactly does
a fluffer of your caliber do?
I got NGU. That
means I gave it to you.
Look me in the eyes and tell
me you're not attracted to me.
I am attracted to you.
I love her, and there's
nothing you can do about it.
Ava's a man.
Buy me a drink?
You got a goddamn dick! I'm
not gay! Okay? I'm not into that!
- Is that a swastika on it?
- I'm not a Nazi, Matt, but I am a purist.
The tech works, Matt.
You just gotta trust it.
Married?
Matt and I exchanged
our vows three days ago.
I never loved you, Matt.
I told you I did, but I lied.
I'm Rachel Ben Natan, your
burn rehabilitation counselor.
I am here to assist you.
Hey, listen to this."Hearts 'N
Scalpels has sunk to a new low.
"What was once a mildly
interesting melodrama
"has now replaced its sole
charismatic player, Aidan Stone,
"with the milquetoast,
Dr. Sean McNamara.
"While Stone does the requisite
Hollywood star turn in rehab,
"McNamara ruins
the Rome that he built.
"He's so dull as Dr. Peter
Casey, the best thing I can say
"is that watching him
is a cure for insomnia,
"or maybe he's the
answer to global warming,
"for soon, televisions
around the nation will go dark."
Oh, my God. I am so glad
that I took that out of the lobby
- before Sean got to see it.
- Let me look at this thing.
"And I'm not yet speaking of
McNamara's abilities as an actor.
"I can't get past the face, or should
I say cardboard box on shoulders,
"a puddle of muddy water,
a jellyfish without the sting.
"My only wish is that he
turn that scalpel on himself.
"Perhaps a scar could
bring some character
"to that brown paper bag
McNamara calls a head."
- Oh!
- What are you reading?
- Oh, man.
- Nothing!
Is your 10:00 here?
August Walden's review
of Hearts 'N Scalpels
in Entertainment Weekly.
Guess he doesn't
like me very much.
- You are very handsome, Sean.
- Very.
And Walden doesn't like anybody.
I mean, he said that James Gandolfini
looked like a scrotum with legs.
If you want to be a
TV star, buddy boy,
you're gonna have to get a
thick skin about this kind of stuff.
Yeah, you're right. I'll
see you in the consult.
All right.
- What?
- You know what.
Oh, come on, man!
Who gives a crap what some
jealous loser wannabe says?
If it makes you feel better,
just get a good review
and read it 10 times over. That's
what I do on the odd occasion
some sexy lady declines to do
the horizontal shuffle with me.
I fill my dance
card with 10 more.
You've never had anyone tell you
your head looks like a brown paper bag.
True.
Oh, come on. You're a good-looking
guy! Look, I'll take this consult.
You go get yourself some ice
cream, or a lollipop or something. Huh?
Make me beautiful
Make me
A perfect soul
A perfect mind
A perfect face
A perfect lie
She was over at our house
the other day, you know.
- Falafel-face?
- Hmm.
She and Matt were locked in
his room for a couple of hours.
"Locked in his room"
locked in his room?
Sounded like it.
I didn't hear any talking.
Oh! Hey, guys.
What are you guys
doing over there?
These are all the surgeries
we've performed on Rachel.
Six of them. Can
you tell the difference?
A little.
You're being too generous.
We have relieved most of her pain,
given her cheekbones some definition,
and restored about 60%
of her sense of smell.
Otherwise, she looks
exactly the same.
What's your point?
The point is, she's never
gonna look any better than this.
- All right. And looks are all that matter.
- Of course not.
Look, I'm just gonna say it, all right?
I don't care if she shits solid gold,
you can't underestimate
the burden
that comes with dating
somebody like this.
You two are unbelievable. Look,
she nursed me through my recovery.
She made me feel like I
was actually worth something.
- Are you wearing rubbers with her?
- What? Why?
Why? Because you're a
perfect catch for a girl like this!
She forgets to take her pill one day, and
you're trapped for the rest of your life!
- You guys are such assholes.
- Matt, wait. Matt.
You were vulnerable when you met her.
You just got out of one bad relationship.
We just don't wanna see you
getting buried in another one.
No, you just don't want your son
dating some girl who's walking proof
that you two aren't gods, that you
can't make everyone look perfect.
You know, you guys have been
messing with people's faces for so long,
that I don't think you even know
what ugly looks like anymore.
Miss Lowell, tell me what
you don't like about yourself.
You're sweet. No one's ever
pretended not to notice before.
But call me Emmie.
Emmie, if there's one thing I've learned
in this business, it's not to assume.
So tell me, you want a nose job?
When I first saw your picture
online, I didn't think you'd be so funny.
I like it. Makes the plane trip
out here even more worthwhile.
So where are you
from? South Carolina?
Please. I'm a Jersey
girl, born and raised.
Guess we both have the
same sense of humor, huh?
Actually, I'm from
Cleveland, Georgia.
It's a tiny little town in the
Smoky Mountains up north.
This is my first time traveling away
from home, if you can believe it.
I think I'm afraid
of flying, too.
Yet you got on a plane
for the first time ever
and came all the way out
here for a consult. Why?
You're the doctor who set up
the Hedda Grubman fund, right?
Well, I don't have
a lot of money.
And when I went on Google
and typed in "free plastic surgery,"
your name came up and said
you do cases like mine for no pay.
Well, you know, where
birth defects are involved.
Technically, what you have
is called naevus flammeus.
It's where the deep
dilated capillaries
cause the skin to
turn a reddish purple.
It's really more of a
birthmark than a skin defect.
It's actually quite common.
One in 3,000 newborns have it.
Not like this, they don't.
The procedure involves
several laser treatments.
I know you flew all
the way out here,
but I really have a very
long waiting list right now.
A waiting list? I've
waited 24 years!
I spent all I had
just to get out here,
and then the cab ride from the airport
cost almost as much as the plane.
You ever read The
Scarlet Letter, Dr. Troy?
In college, yes.
That's what my mom used
to call this, her scarlet letter.
Said it was the shame she had to bear
for having me with some one-night stand.
But it's not just her.
I've never been accepted by anyone
my whole life because of this face.
That's the real reason I
never left home until now.
And now that I'm here, I
can't go back looking like this.
I won't.
You know, when August
Walden gave me my first review,
I ate an entire box of those.
Even the kinds with sprinkles,
which I don't even love,
and a half a tray of
sausages. I was so bloated,
I couldn't get my costume
zipped after my lunchtime coma.
It was ridiculous.
So this is what this does?
Rips people to shreds?
Yeah. Let's see. "The dreary Kate
Tinsley brings to mind a sullen coonhound.
"Her body resembles
that of a butternut squash,
"and her speech
pattern makes me wonder
"if she hasn't yet swallowed
her breakfast kibble."
Yeah. Emblazoned
on my brain forever.
I hope you've got some of your
good reviews memorized as well.
Yeah, well, the good ones you
forget. The bad ones are forever.
Oh.
You learn to live
with it, you know?
I mean, being in
the spotlight, you...
You're asking people to
weigh in on what you look like.
What you can avoid
is choosing a lover
who looks at you
with a critic's eye.
So where does this
guy live? Who knows?
Maybe, one night, I'll get hammered
and show up at his door and take him out.
Actually, he always hangs out at
that coffee shop over on Riverside.
Sits there all day long,
typing on his computer.
Of course no one
wants to confront him.
Everyone's so scared of his
scathing tongue, you know.
You know, you seem
like you're in a good place.
I'm sorry about everything.
I hope we can be friends.
Yeah, we're good.
On one condition.
You actually do it.
Go to the coffee shop.
Rip the guy a new one on
behalf of actors everywhere,
and record it on your cell phone so
I can watch it over and over again.
- It's not really my style.
- Really? "Milquetoast"?
"His face looks like a
cardboard box on shoulders,
"a puddle of muddy water,"
"a jellyfish without the sting"?
You're gonna let that go?
Puddle of muddy water.
Here's your double
espresso, Mr. Walden.
August Walden?
Have we met?
Not officially.
I'm the puddle of muddy water
which can only evoke
yawns from the audience.
Ah, yes. An unmemorable
appearance off-screen as well as on.
You know, I came here
with the intention of getting
some sort of an apology from you,
the way you just attack people.
But now I get it. Now I
understand why you do it.
I do it because I'm paid
to advise the general public
of what and whom is worthy of
their attention and admiration.
Just cut the shit, will you?
You're so eaten up with
jealousy, so full of self-contempt
because of your own
extraordinary ugliness,
you have to make others pay.
I shouldn't be asking you for an
apology. I should be apologizing to you
for what you have to go through
every day, looking the way you do.
If only making other people feel
badly could make you feel better.
CHRISTIAN ON ANSWERING
MA CHINE: Hey, baby, it's Christian.
Just confirming lunch today.
I thought you'd
gone. I would've.
Who was she? Someone you picked
up at the carwash, the drugstore?
Gas station.
You really don't give a
shit about me at all, do you?
For years, I've fantasized
about being with you.
It's just...
In my head, you were so perfect.
But in life, with all this messy
pain and illness and
goddamn regret, it's just...
It's not the same.
Is it?
I'm sorry, I can't
change who I am. I tried.
Yeah, you've been in my
head for a long time, too.
Always there, tempting me.
Only, in my head,
you were beautiful.
Deep down, you had
a kind, caring soul.
And only now do I see
just how ugly you really are.
Oh, my God, what
a mistake I've made.
Here I had a second chance
with Olivia, kind, caring.
In sickness and in
health, you know?
And I've blown it,
wasting all my time on you.
It's not like I don't love you.
I just want us to be friends.
Friends?
You have done a lot of
things in your time, Christian,
but to do this to me now,
when I needed you so much.
Maybe one day I'll
be able to forgive,
but I know that
I'll never forget.
So tell me what you
don't like about yourself.
Although it's sadly obvious.
I thought it would only be fair to
write a review of my appearance.
I'd like to hear it.
"In all my years, I've never
met an uglier human being
"than August Walden.
Though calling him human
"could be construed as
an insult to the phylum."
Please continue.
"Below the mating
caterpillars Walden calls brows,
"two extremely farsighted
eyes droop like a basset hound's
"under the pull of gravity.
"In fact, his entire face looks as
if it's been pulled and stretched
"by a hyperactive toddler
playing with Silly Putty."
All right, look. The other day,
I was, maybe, a bit too harsh.
If I'm the reason you're here...
You are the reason I'm
here, Dr. McNamara. I am
thankful for your words.
You were right.
And frankly, the first person
to say it to my horrific face.
I have been isolating myself for
years behind this Halloween mask.
Scaring away everyone
with whom I come in contact.
In particular, a young lady
of whom I have grown fond,
a lithe beauty of a
barista at the cafe.
Every day, Doctor, I am
there, trying to connect with her,
yet unable to hold her gaze
for more than a mere moment.
Can you help me connect
with her, Dr. McNamara?
What are you doing? I
told you to stay in bed.
Well, since the
surgery was free,
I figured I had to do
something to pay you back.
Oh, I cleaned the bathroom, too.
Someone does you a
favor, you do one back.
Well, take a break. Sit down. I
need to see how you're healing.
Don't you think it'd be better
if you found a plastic surgeon
you didn't just trash
in your magazine?
If I did, I couldn't correct
the error of my ways.
After the surgery, I will happily write
another critique of Hearts 'N Scalpels.
And specifically, you,
which, I can assure you, you
will appreciate more than the last.
So maybe my face isn't a
cardboard box on shoulders?
I was thinking more along the lines of
"reminiscent of a young Gary Cooper."
Oh.
You know what the kids
used to call me in school?
Swamp Thing. Isn't that awful?
The boys wouldn't go near me in
high school 'cause of how I looked.
I never even had a real boyfriend,
though I did meet this one guy online.
Is something wrong?
No, it's...
Come here.
Oh, my God.
There are ethical questions
to me performing your surgery.
- Conflicts of interest...
- If you have an opening, Doctor,
I am ready to go under
the knife immediately.
We have an opening at 2:00.
I could really use
some lipstick, couldn't I?
There once was an ugly duckling
With feathers all
stubby and brown
And my hair's a mess.
And the other birds
in so many words said
Get out of town
Not a quack, not a quack
Not a waddle or a quack
But a glide and a whistle
and a snowy white back
And a head so noble and high
Say who's an ugly duckling?
Emmie, you're beautiful.
Not I
Not I
- Hey, Mattie.
- Oh, hey.
- How you doing?
- I'm doing all right.
Nice flowers.
Oh, thanks. Yeah, they're for
my girlfriend. She's in recovery.
Emmie, this is Matt.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Emmie just had a port stain removed
from her face. Doesn't she look great?
Yeah, sure. Congratulations.
We're going to Neiman's to celebrate.
You should come with. We can have lunch.
Yeah, no thanks, I'm gonna
watch Munich with Rachel.
- Fun.
- Yeah.
Well, Emmie's new in town,
so maybe you guys
should get together later
and you could
show her the sights.
- Stop it, Christian.
- Stop what?
Look, Emmie?
You look great. And
I'm really happy for you,
but contrary to some people's opinion,
I have a girlfriend who I love very much.
Learning Hebrew?
Yeah. I'm taking a course at
the Jewish community center.
Jesus.
You'll take any kind of
Kool-Aid a girl will feed you, huh?
It was nice meeting you.
Honey?
Honey.
How are you? I've
been so worried.
Oh, my God, you look so sick.
I know how terrible I look.
And it's funny, you know,
because I've always
relied on a certain beauty,
and it's really
superficial, I know,
but without it, I just... I
don't even know who I am.
Just don't get upset, please.
I think you're the most beautiful
person I have ever known.
In every single way.
I've really missed you, Julia.
I'm not gonna let anything
happen to you. You're my angel.
I've been having an
affair with Christian.
It's over, finally,
and for the last time.
I feel like I've been in a fever
dream. Well, a nightmare, really.
I just don't know how
you can forgive me,
let alone love me.
No use getting angry.
We're gonna put
that energy into action.
We're gonna send that hair
to a lab in Westbury, Virginia.
They've made some amazing
diagnoses for me in the past.
I have been to
every doctor in LA,
and no one seems to
know what's wrong with me.
Western doctors.
God, they all have
their narrow little focus.
No one's looking
at the big picture!
We're gonna find out
what's wrong with you.
I promise.
Julia, would you like
honey in your tea?
No, thanks.
You know, you really
have been a doll, Eden.
I know we've had our
differences, but, you know, frankly,
you've been the only one
who's lifted a finger for me
since Olivia hasn't been here.
Well, I know I act up
sometimes, but you're sick.
It kind of takes
the fun out of it.
Hey, there's one more piece of fruitcake
in the fridge. You want me to get it?
Okay. Yeah, sure. It seems to
be the only thing I can keep down.
I really have to bake
you another one of these.
Who knew you loved
fruitcake so much?
Well, don't be shy. You're
the only one who eats it.
I think I'll take it to
my room for later.
Ready for my close-up,
Dr. McNamara?
Sometimes we make miraculous
improvements with a single surgery,
and in other more serious cases, we
hope for incremental improvements.
It may take a few more
surgeries than I anticipated.
I'm not going to do any more.
Why not? I thought you...
No, Matt was the one who
kept pushing and pushing,
but my plans have changed.
Sean, our 11:00 is
early. She's in my office.
Dr. Troy, in case I
don't see you again,
I just wanted to thank
you for all you've done.
I'm leaving, going
back to Israel.
Mattie didn't mention
anything about that.
I haven't told him yet.
He's a nice boy, but
he's very confused.
I don't understand. You
and Matt, he thinks...
I know what he thinks.
He thinks I am the answer,
that Judaism is the answer.
He goes from one
thing to another.
The answer's always
out there somewhere.
He needs to go inside.
That's the only place it is.
Don't you think you should
be telling Matt about this?
Tell me what?
We have a consultation. Stick
around after, and we'll talk, okay?
Hey, you look good.
What's wrong?
I'm going home,
Matt. Back to Tel Aviv.
Why? I don't understand.
It is not right between
us, Matt. I just...
I don't love you.
- I thought what we shared was...
- Was lovely, yes.
But I'm not attracted to you.
I'm so sorry, but I'm not.
You're not attracted to me?
Attraction has nothing to do
with what the person looks like.
It's an inner chemistry.
It's there, or it isn't.
I'm sorry, but...
Have you looked
in a mirror lately?
I know what you must think.
You think because I am not
beautiful, I have no right to be picky.
Perhaps you thought you
could avoid getting hurt
by choosing someone
too desperate to reject you.
Oh, you know what?
Screw you, okay?
I mean... You and all your bullshit
about how looks don't matter,
like you're some poster
girl for inner strength.
You won't find the parts of
yourself that are missing in me.
You need to look inside.
Only then will you be able to
express love instead of need.
Need? I don't need you,
Rachel, I felt sorry for you.
Because the only chemical reaction
you're gonna get from a man is pity.
Here, these are
for you. Enjoy them.
It's a dream come
true. I'm not...
No, you're the one
living with regrets, not me.
Hey, everything all right?
Oh.
My mother. She can be a
little overprotective, I guess.
Um.
Do you wanna go grab some lunch?
There was no way I thought
you could do that again.
I didn't think I could
do it again either.
I have never felt a connection
like this before. It's amazing.
- It's like we just fit together.
- Yeah.
- Our bodies, our skin.
- It's amazing.
Yeah.
God, I always wanted my
first time to be special like this.
Your first time?
I just took your virginity?
- You're not upset, are you?
- Upset?
Are you kidding me? I'm honored.
I'm honored.
These last days have
just been so amazing.
Let's see.
First, I met my father, and
then I got my face fixed,
and then I met you.
Wow. You met your father?
And I look just
like him, I think.
And we have the same sense of
humor... It's amazing, just amazing.
Who is he?
My plastic surgeon, Dr. Troy.
They still saved my same
table for me, Dr. McNamara.
And now I'm crossing my fingers that a
certain someone bothers me constantly.
Yeah. Where is she?
Bran muffin. Thanks.
- Oh. She's very pretty.
- The apple of my eye.
I'm gonna go clean.
Welcome back, Mr. Walden.
Almost didn't recognize you.
We've got a fresh batch
of pumpkin muffins today.
Oh, and by the way,
thanks. You changed my life.
Is that so?
Well, I was in an episode
of NCIS that you reviewed.
You said that you'd rather
clean cat piss out of the carpet
than watch another
moment of my acting.
That my portrayal of a kidnapping
rapist was worse than the crime committed.
Then you're lucky
you still have this job.
You killed my dream.
Just when I was starting
to pick up momentum,
my recurring role on
the show was dropped.
My agent left me.
I don't make enough
money here to make rent.
I have to go back to Oregon
and live with my mother.
And I am to blame?
You need to take responsibility
for your lack of artistry,
not to mention insight.
Yeah, I do.
I take full responsibility
for my career and for this.
Okay, so according to California law,
what we did was technically not illegal
and not that crazy either, okay?
Here. Come here. Look.
What's this?
It's a blog devoted to
couples who are related.
"Like everyone else here,
"my brother and I are not
just having sex, we are in love.
"Tom and I have been
together for two years
"and feel that
because we are related,
"have a stronger bond than
any other non-incest couple.
"For us, incest is
the best of all worlds."
- Wow.
- Yeah.
They go on to talk about this
scientific study that was done
showing that, you know,
siblings who are raised together
develop this innate sexual repulsion,
but, you know, when they're separated
and raised apart like us, you
know, they don't have that.
So there was no way we'd
feel like what we did was wrong.
Yeah, and apparently in
other cultures around the world,
they don't have a
problem with it either.
But Mother Nature has a say.
You get freak babies
if you inbreed, right?
Well...
We used a condom.
It's okay. We're fine.
- I was born damaged like that.
- No...
Look, you don't know how
hard it is, how people look at you.
- I don't want that to happen again...
- It won't. I promise.
Okay?
Does that mean we have to stop?
'Cause you don't want to?
Oh, man.
This is wrong.
Look...
Only if your mom's right,
okay? What if she's wrong?
What if we're not related
at all? It's all gonna be fine.
Hey.
Hey. Mattie. Emmie.
How long you guys been here?
About an hour.
Yeah, Emmie's never
seen the ocean before,
so I thought this'd be the
best place to check it out.
Great.
Well, you guys are getting to know
each other, so I'll get out of your way.
Actually, can I talk
to you for a second?
- Of course.
- Yeah.
- She's a great girl, huh? Huh?
- Yeah.
Um.
Look, there's something
that you need to know,
and it may come
as a bit of a shock.
Sure.
Emmie...
Emmie forgot her birth
control at her house,
- and we need an emergency prescription.
- Of course. Of course.
- I'm just glad you're being safe.
- Yeah.
Hey, pretty great what
happened to Walden, huh?
No. It's not pretty great.
The man suffered second
and third-degree burns.
He's gonna need four
or five painful operations.
- His sight might be compromised forever.
- Okay. Jeez. Mr. Sensitive.
What, you don't think he
deserves it just a little bit?
No. I don't.
And that kid who did it is going
to jail, so it's not a happy ending.
Hello, darlings.
May I join the wake?
You have read it, right?
Read what?
Well, I never take these
things too seriously,
but we were just skewered
in the Los Angeles Times.
Perhaps you shouldn't see it.
Give it back when you're done.
And, darlings, don't let
this affect today's work.
Sean, you are not flat and monotone,
and, Kate, darling, you are not...
- "A lumpy zero."
- "...A lumpy zero."
Wait a... Let me...
- I'll split it with you.
- Get your own.
It's the only thing
keeping me from suicide.
I see.
Thank you.
Hey, Julia. I made
some of my healing tea.
Think it's really starting to work. I
feel like you're getting better. Don't you?
You drink it.
Why would I drink it? You're
the one who's been sick.
Thanks to you.
I don't know what
you mean, Julia.
Don't you?
You've been poisoning me
with all your soups and
the teas and that fruitcake.
I think whatever you have is
starting to seep into your brain.
Yes, it has.
Mercury poisoning
does that to you.
It kills the organs and
destroys the brain cells.
I just got off the phone
with the toxicology lab.
I sent them that last
piece of fruitcake.
It had an 80% contamination
rate for mercury.
I have proof of what
you've been doing to me.
You made a mistake in
underestimating me, Eden.
You are going to jail.
You are a sick, sick girl,
and you need to be locked up!
I've had fun.
You know, watching you
slowly get weaker and weaker.
I couldn't wait every day to come home
and serve you a cup of tea, bowl of soup.
Pouring the mercury in
was the highlight, really.
Knowing it would eat you
away from the inside out.
I could not wait to literally remove
your pathetic, whining presence
from the people that I
love the most in this world,
my mother, Sean.
But I can't argue
with proof, now, can I?
You've outsmarted me, Julia.
You win.
I have to pay for
what I've done.
I'll go pack my bags, and we can
wait for my mother to get home,
and I...
I'll confess everything
to her and to the police.
I'll... It's okay. I'm
gonna confess. I'm...
I'm sorry.
You really should
lock up your firearms
and not leave them in
a bedside table drawer,
you stupid bitch.
You know, you were
right about one thing, Julia.
I made a horrible mistake.
Mercury takes too damn long.
English-SDH