Nip/Tuck (2003–2010): Season 5, Episode 12 - Lulu Grandiron - full transcript

Previously on Nip / Tuck...

Look what I made
you. It's a Sean bear.

It's my hobby. I make teddies.

Hi, Sean. We're CAA.

- Who?
- Creative Artists Agency.

You will not take away my Sean.

You want more of the truth?
I am going back into porn.

Where do you belong?

Maybe with you.

Okay, so this you
are going to love.

You-know-who busted
her tight little tuches



and got you booked as a judge
on the Miss Teen USA pageant.

So, what do you
think of that, Dr. Sexy?

And why would my client
be interested in judging

a bunch of double-digit IQ adolescents
with bulimia breath in tacky bathing suits?

Because it beats having
lunch with a menopausal agent

with Chardonnay breath in an
ill-fitting ensemble from Chico's.

Bliss, Colleen's just
looking after my reputation.

- There's no need to attack her personally.
- Sean, don't worry about me.

This mama lion could eat your
little pussycat publicist for brunch

if she wanted to.

Now, I just nabbed a very
classy commercial for you, cookie.

National spokesperson for the new
Sizzler's heart-savvy salad bar campaign.

I'm sorry, did she really just
suggest you do commercials

for the geriatric community?



Yeah, that's not the kind of
thing I'm looking for, either.

Sean, our 10:00 is in my office.

Gee, looks like the star-making machinery
is working a double shift in here.

I need you to do the consult
without me. We got sidetracked.

Yeah, sidetracked by grandma's
fantasies of all-you-can-eat buffets.

By the way, Colleen, did
you think about what I asked?

Any new shows looking for a
medical advisor who can act?

That's where they're getting two
commissions instead of just one, huh?

Christian, I like you. So I'm not
gonna sell you a line of bullshit.

I took a look at the first
episode of Hearts 'N Scalpels,

specifically your outtakes.

Acting isn't your thing, honey.

I mean, Sean, now, he has a
gift. He's what we call "a natural."

But I just don't have the
time to try and build a career

for someone who is
untrained and untalented.

- Colleen.
- Well, it's true.

Sorry, honey.

Well, that was nice,
Colleen. It's good work.

You know, just get him a gift
certificate from Burke Williams.

It always makes me feel better.

Lulu Grandiron.

Dr. Christian Troy.
Sorry to keep you waiting.

Your partner's joining
us as well, correct?

Actually, my partner is overwhelmed
with his other career right now,

but the good news is, I'm
here, and you're my only priority.

So, tell me what you don't like
about yourself, Miss Grandiron.

Call me Lulu. And I'm not
here to be interviewed, Dr. Troy.

I'm here to interview you.

I assume you've heard of
Dr. William Hammerman.

Plastic surgeon,
specializes in society types.

Wouldn't you like to be on
the society page, Dr. Troy?

Surgeon to the
crème de la crème?

I don't know where you're
getting your information,

but I'm not hurting
for business.

Darling, I'm not talking about
all those dreary little starlets.

I'm offering you a shot at
the true elite in this town.

We're the ones who put all
those nerdy boys in power,

taught them
everything they know,

and then divorced them
and took all their money.

Back up a second. What do
you mean, "offering me a shot"?

Hammerman is retiring.

My girlfriends and I need
a new plastic surgeon.

We've been interviewing
candidates, and we want you

to come to a dinner party
so we can get to know you.

Saturday at 9:00.

Black tie.

I'm a plastic
surgeon, not a gigolo,

and I'm not looking to be picked
over by a pack of bitter divorcées.

Bitter? Oh, quite the
opposite. We have it all.

Experience, no one to answer to,

and all that money.

We'll set a place for you, just in
case you come to your senses.

Make me beautiful

Make me

A perfect soul

A perfect mind

A perfect face

A perfect lie

There are seven signs of
the Apocalypse, right? Not two.

- You two some sort of couple, now?
- More like a team.

When she and Ram saw
the video I made with Aidan,

they offered me a
deal at Penetrate.

To do porn. Nice.

Eden is one of the most natural
talents I've seen in a long time.

Well, since myself.

I mean, we just
had to snatch her up.

You mean suck her into
that deep hole of whoredom

where you've spent
most of your miserable life.

We didn't come here for your
approval. We need your help.

Well, since you've
come to the wizard,

I'm sorry to say that we have
no more brains left. Or hearts.

Jesus. What happened?

I was filming my first sex scene
with Kimber, and she hit me.

But it was brilliant.

We're shooting my new
film, Inside Kimber Henry.

It's very arty. It's all
about self-exploration.

And since Ram's
taken over my career,

he's only allowing me to do
sex scenes with women now.

And this was sort of an
homage to the younger me,

when I was a virgin.

The scene called for me to
make love to a younger Kimber,

to express my forgiveness of
all of her youthful indiscretions.

Eden was tremendous.

So we're both climaxing, right?
Where, out of nowhere, she yells...

Hit me.

Hit me.

I'm a little whore and
you need to hit me.

I ad-libbed a little.

I wanted something
memorable for my first film.

And sadomasochism came to mind.

It's the only way to
become a star nowadays.

- I mean, you gotta make an impression.
- Let me take a look.

What's there to look
at, Sean? I wouldn't fix it.

Maybe it'll knock
some sense into her.

Well, guess what, Christian?
We don't want you to fix it.

Sean's the marquee
talent at McNamara/Troy,

and stars flock to stars.

Celebrity is a club, and it's one
you haven't been invited to join.

And you know, I feel bad
for you, baby. I really do.

Because you never had any
real talent, and your only strength

was your own star power.

And how disappointing it
must be for you to realize

that it's flickering at
such a dim wattage.

You know, I really don't
need to listen to the opinion

of whores and porn stars.

Try businesswoman,

juggling a successful
career and motherhood.

And your granddaughter is doing
fabulous, by the way, Grampie.

It was so cute. Yesterday,
she said her first word.

"Ram."

Despite popular opinion, I actually
work with the Hollywood elite.

And I am in great demand.

Sean, you? You can
do what you want.

You fractured your eye
socket. It's delicate work.

That's why I came to you.
You have just the right touch.

And I'll pay, of course. I
just feel terrible about this.

So, could you help us, Sean?

How're you feeling?

Scared, actually.

I always think I'm
gonna go to sleep,

they'll put me under,
and I'll never wake up.

Oh, not on my watch.

When you come out of this,

you're not even gonna remember
when you started to drift off.

I used to have a terrible time
falling asleep for the same reason.

Fear of never waking up.

Maybe I just never knew
what I was waking up for.

Look, when this is over,

maybe it'll give you a
chance to sort of rethink things.

Make some better choices.

Will you help me, Sean?

I keep getting myself involved in
these things that... I don't know.

You're the only one
who still cares about me.

You shouldn't, after
all I've done, but you do.

Don't you?

I care about you getting better.

Will you kiss me?

Just to calm me down.

After a couple of weeks,
when you've healed,

we can talk about
what you should do.

Sean, I don't have
a couple of weeks.

Ram has me doing
another movie in six days.

You're not doing another
movie for that smut-peddler.

- You said you wanted to change.
- I do.

But I don't have a choice. I signed
a contract, Sean. He owns me.

That's why you have to help me.

I'll fix your face, Eden.
But that's all I can do.

Okay. Count back from 10 for me.

Ten, nine, eight...

Nice pussy.

When God appeared before
me I was drowning in my pool

Dr. Troy, come meet the ladies.

He said a life of
tedious insights

- Marla Middleton.
- Newly divorced. From my third.

- Catherine Wicke.
- Still married, but multi-orgasmic.

Annette Wainwright.

My husband died last year
in a skiing accident. Boo-hoo.

And this is Dr. Kay.

- Dr. Cashman.
- Hello.

And the Berkowitz twins.
Dr. Joseph and Dr. Michael.

- I'm Dr. Michael. Hello.
- And I'm Dr. Joseph. Good evening.

I'm the Jazz Devil

Libido needy I'm the Jazz Devil

Shall we dine?

Fly meat in the mix Where you
can call me Agent Double O 666

You ladies seem very close.

We are.

I mean, I've known Annette
since she was an A-cup.

And last year, when I
had my vagina tightened,

it was my girls here
who pulled me through.

It was that damn Haitian
pool boy who did me in.

Jesus, this reminds
me of my last husband.

The one she
nicknamed "Is It In Yet?"

I'm sorry, I don't get it.

Wait a minute.

Lulu, weren't we supposed to
get that one from the TV show?

- Busy.
- Well, screw him then, for not showing.

- You know who needs a show? Us.
- I'll drink to that.

And to Louboutin
shoes and Percocet.

I mean, shit, we shop and we
screw and we screw and we shop.

Who wouldn't watch that show?

Annette, have you lost weight?

Down five. I haven't
had a carb since '87.

Such discipline.

Okay. Let's get
down to business.

Boys, tickle our fancy
with your credentials.

- We graduated first...
- And second.

In our class at Harvard.

But we'll never tell which
of us finished where.

Never.

I went to Brown.

Dr. Troy, what about you?

Well, I've never seen an SAT
score perform a perfect feather lift.

Frankly, I didn't go
to my own graduation.

I was too busy spraying
my population paste

all over the U of M
cheerleading squad.

Some résumé. Your
parents must be so proud.

You wanna see
my résumé, stretch?

It takes two things to
make a great surgeon.

Steady hands and a
monster one of these.

The bigger the cock, the
greater the confidence.

The greater the confidence,
the better the surgeon.

This dinner is a
pissing contest,

and you ladies have all
the power and all the money.

And you've invited us
here tonight to entertain you.

So I'm cutting
straight to the chase.

Any of you boys think you
can trump my ace of clubs?

I wanted your next film to
be set in the 18th century.

I just think it's gonna be
more romantic that way.

- What do you think?
- I'm playing a maid in a whorehouse.

But you're the underdog, and
the audience is gonna root for you.

Besides, you become the
house madam in the end.

Yeah, after a bukkake scene

where a dozen men stand around
me and spooge in my face. Ugh.

It's gross. Forget
it. I'm not doing this.

Hey, show a little goddamn
gratitude. I worked all night on this.

Eden, sweetie.

Kimber and I have both
been around this business

a lot longer than you have.

And frankly, sweetheart,
you need to pay your dues.

I've paid my dues already.

And I won't be degraded like that
again. Not if you want me to be the star.

Star?

Darling, you're not even a
wet spot in the porn industry.

I'm the star. I've
done over 50 films.

And if you want even
half of what I have,

you're gonna have to
show me some respect.

Hmm.

You know what I think?

First of all, you need to be a little
more diligent with the moisturizer.

And secondly, you
want what I've got,

but you'll never be 18
again, now, will you?

I may be new at this,

but even I know that it's youth
that sells porn, not nostalgia.

I'll look at the script.

Unless you're family, we don't
allow visitors so soon after surgery.

Leave. Now.

Sean, we were
discussing business.

Dr. McNamara, Ram Peters.

Doctor, you did a fantastic
job on my little girl, here.

When do you think
she'll be camera-ready?

Let's discuss that in private.

Don't you ever cross
me again, baby girl.

You'll regret it.

What I wanna know from you is,

what would you need
to break her contract?

I don't break contracts, Doctor.
Not with any of my girls. Ever.

How much?

Why, Dr. McNamara.

You cad.

$10,000? $20,000?

I tell you what, I
got a better idea.

I have a large stable of women
over 50 under contract as well.

They're not the top talent at Penetrate,
but they bring in the most returns.

Guys like to see old
gals pounded hard.

GILF titles sell like wildfire.

- It's all right?
- Yeah.

Because of their age, I pay them a
tenth of what a 20-year-old would make,

and I can work
them twice as hard.

They love it.

I'm finding there's a solid
niche market for older women,

but it's hard to find ones that keep
themselves in shape at that age

and are still
willing to do films.

Good work today.

So, you help me trim the fat, so to speak,
get a couple of my older girls in shape,

Eden's free to go.

Fine. Four grannies.
Implants, lipo, that's it.

Deal?

I sure hope she's worth it.

Tell me what you
don't like about yourself.

- I think you're perfect.
- Oh, thank you.

You could use some
micro-lipo on your thighs.

Maybe, maybe an ass implant.

Sock it to me, doc. Sock
it to me, doc it to me.

Ah!

You have the tits
of a 30-year-old.

Maybe you could
go up to a double-D.

Give them their firmness back.

Yeah, it was the breast-feeding.

Hey, you wanna
nurse me, pretty boy?

I'll give you an eye
job. And a neck lift.

Maybe some BOTOX.

Is that all?

You want more?

I didn't become plastic surgeon
to the richest woman in LA

to be stuck on an assembly
line of middle-aged tits and ass.

You're supposed to hook me up,
give me the keys to the kingdom.

What an idiot.

Jesus. If any
celebrity gives a shit

about where the First Wives
Club get their faces done.

You and your pack will have to find
somebody else to be at your beck and call.

I completely understand.

There's certainly
nothing glamorous

about an assembly line
of middle-aged tits and ass.

What you need is a surgery
that will set you apart.

Give you the attention you
deserve as a doctor and as an artist.

That's a good start.

I've had a chance to watch you
work, Dr. Troy, and I've seen the results.

You're really no
different than a sculptor,

chiseling away at the human
form, manipulating tissue and bone.

Please, don't ever
denigrate yourself.

You're not just a
plastic surgeon.

You're a modern-day
Michelangelo.

I wouldn't go that
far. Rodin, maybe.

- I'm glad that you understand.
- Of course I do.

That's why I saved
myself for last.

I am the canvas upon which
you can truly express yourself.

And how exactly would
you like to be expressed?

I want my face to reflect
the duality of my nature.

My sensuous animal spirit.

The sacred feline
essence within.

You want a softer,
more sensual look?

Did you know that the Egyptians

believed that the cat was endowed
with the light of human consciousness?

They believed that the souls
who had died entered into the cat,

giving it its powerful radiance.

I want you to bring me
closer to that radiance.

You want me to make
you look like a cat?

No, don't be ridiculous.
I'm not insane.

That's a relief.

Whiskers and tails are
really not my specialty.

Well, maybe I was
wrong about you.

I thought, as an artist, you
might be able to find a way

to accentuate my more
feline characteristics.

To suggest its form within mine.

Why on Earth do
you want this done?

If I can no longer be young,

I want my face to reflect all
the wisdom and power in me.

We're extraordinary people
living ordinary lives, you and I.

Because no one sees us. No
one really knows who we are.

You're an artist,
not a mechanic.

I'm offering you a
chance to prove it.

Take, take all that I am

How are you feeling?

If I say I feel like crap, will
you let me stay here longer?

- I can't do another porn, Sean.
- You don't have to.

This is your contract
with Penetrate.

Tear it up.

- Did you steal this?
- No.

I just talked to Ram, and he
feels the same way about you I do.

That you don't belong
in that business.

Sean.

Is this your way of saying
you love me like I love you?

It doesn't matter how I feel. This
can't happen. No one would allow it.

You're 18. I'm old
enough to be your father.

Our families would hate us,
and business would take a dive.

We'd be pariahs.

Please, I don't give a
shit about any of that.

I don't. I don't care.

Love me

What's new, pussycat?

What's new, pussycat?

Pussycat, pussycat,
I've got flowers

And lots of hours
to spend with you

So go and powder your
cute little pussycat nose

Pussycat, pussycat,
I love you Yes, I do

You and your pussycat nose

What's new, pussycat?

What's new, pussycat?

Pussycat, pussycat,
you're so thrilling

And I'm so willing
to care for you

- What are you doing?
- Making my client happy.

- By turning her into Garfield?
- No. I'm bringing out her true self.

Nose jobs, tit jobs, tummy tucks,
they're all the work of a simple craftsman.

Which is why Sean
is so good at them.

What I am doing
to this woman is art.

What you're doing is barbaric.
By the time you're done with her,

she's gonna look like the
side of a Hello Kitty lunch box.

Why is wanting to look like a
glamorous puma anymore strange

than wanting to look like Pamela
Anderson or Angelina Jolie?

It's all idolatry, Liz.

This surgery is nuts. I'm out.

Great. Go roll your eyes at the
goddamn golf course, for all I care.

Look, stop panicking, Liz!

She's not gonna look exactly like a cat.
She's just gonna have a feline essence.

Oh! Where did you get that
line? Out of her litter box?

Don't knock what
you don't understand.

Oh, I understand this. There is
gonna be a storm of shit around this,

and I'll tell you right now, I am
not gonna get caught in the rain.

You and your pussycat eyes

You and your pussycat nose

You a dog person, too?

Where are you, Chaz? Wake up.

Look, I need you to bring me
some new magazines, my makeup

and some good coke.

Call me back, okay?

- Hello, Eden.
- Jesus. You scared me.

Sorry.

Do I know you?

Well, not technically. But
we're kind of in the same family.

I'm Colleen Rose, Sean's agent.

Where's Sean?

I brought you a present.

I thought you could use a
special "Love yourself, Eden" bear.

And maybe a sympathetic
ear. I make these for people.

Listen.

I love you. I love
you. I love you.

Okay, that's creepy,
and so are you.

Look, I don't need you
to make me feel better.

What I need are
some more painkillers.

I was like you, you know.

Had all the boys
eating out of my hand.

And the only one that I wanted
was the one I couldn't have.

Excuse me?

When you're a mama lion and
you see a baby cub in distress,

you instinctively move to help.

- You need to be told the truth.
- Mmm.

And what might that be?

Sean doesn't love you, Eden.

And he never will.

And you know all this because?

Because there's
nothing he doesn't tell me.

The males of our species are
just silly, selfish, preening fools.

Which you will
come to understand.

My gosh.

Oh, you're totally
in love with Sean.

You're a desperate old bag who
has a pathetic crush on her client.

What a cliché.

Please. The whole
world is in love with Sean.

- That's not the point.
- What is the point, Colleen?

I heard Sean and Aidan talking
about how they like to pass you around.

And how you're quickly
becoming the town pump.

And they said it in
front of a lot of crewmen.

It was disgusting.

Especially one grip who said,
"I'd like a piece of that whore."

And Sean and Aidan
laughed and said,

"We can make that happen.
She'll screw anybody."

He's using you, honey. All right? So
he can feel young and viable. That's all.

He said he had feelings for me.

Yeah, feelings for your
sweet sugar tits, maybe.

Not for you.

Look, I went to your defense.
I said, "She's just a baby."

And they should start looking
at women their own age.

But that's our sick
society for you.

You're a liar.

You look at me, honey,

and tell me you
really think I'm lying.

Hey, you. How's
your TV show going?

Since when do you wanna
hear about the show?

Despite what you
might think, Sean,

I don't need for you to fail
in order for me to be happy.

I wish you many years of
success on your little TV show.

Spoken with incredible
condescension.

Not at all. I have a great
respect for the medium.

It's not fine art, but it
doesn't pretend to be.

And if it's an outlet for
your creative energies...

You're doing that
smug thing again.

You know, whenever
something nice happens to you,

you become the cat
that ate the canary,

so you can bask in your five minutes
of superiority as long as possible.

I'm not basking in anything.
I'm just feeling newly inspired.

I'm looking at my
job in a new light.

Like a form of
self-expression. True art.

It's like I'm Michelangelo
with a 10-blade.

Hello?

Sean? Bliss.

You have to meet me at
Hollywood and Highland.

Why, is there a sale? Bliss,
it's the middle of the day.

Look, I don't give a
shit what time it is, okay?

This is an emergency.

Your career and your
reputation depend on it.

Hmm.

All right. I have to go.

Bliss is having a
meltdown or something.

Listen, Michelangelo, I'm glad you're
feeling inspired, but just remember,

the difference between a
plastic surgeon and a sculptor

is the marble doesn't
sue if you screw it up.

Ready? WOMAN 2: Here
it comes, here it comes.

- Here we go.
- Yummy. Yum.

- All right.
- My turn to puke.

Oh, now, you don't need that.

- I forgot that...
- Ladies.

How is she?

She can't even talk
under all those bandages.

I mean, we talk and we
talk and she just nods.

It's like dinner
with my husband.

She's sitting with you but
her eyes are on the door

Lulu?

Whoa. Oh, my God.

Oh, oh, here she comes

- I think you're gonna like what you see.
- Oh, Lulu.

She's a maneater

Oh, oh, here she comes

Oh, watch out, watch
out, watch out, watch out

Oh, oh, here she comes

Jesus Christ!

What did you do to her?

You're jealous. Let
me see. Let me see.

God.

Oh, I love it. I worship it!

I'm a hot little pussy now.

Shit. She's off her meds.

- What?
- Meds?

She's bipolar.

Jesus, a woman asks
you to turn her into Frisky,

and you don't suspect there's
something seriously wrong with her?

Your problem is you have too
much dick and not enough brains.

I can fix this.

Yeah, well, you better.

Or you're gonna be giving nose jobs
to homeless women on Shitter's Alley.

Come on, girls.
We're out of here.

Come on.

Hollywood and Highland?

A, what could you
possibly be doing out here?

And B, I don't believe you.

Okay, the Chanel makeup was
75 off, and I love a good sale.

So sue me.

Now, I know this seems shocking
and terrible, but I can spin it.

It is so good.

Like, Vanity Fair good.

"Posing as a power player
among Hollywood's elite,

"she was desperately
hiding a secret life

"of talking bears and interactions
with hideous Valley toddlers."

Would you excuse
me a minute, please?

Colleen, what's going
on? Why are you here?

It's my niece's kiosk, and I'm
just filling in 'cause she was sick.

- Why, is that wrong?
- And the lies just keep on coming.

This isn't your second job,
Colleen. It's your only job.

I checked with mall security, you're
here on average eight hours a day.

Why don't you just butt out,
you stupid little Barbie doll?

I knew there was
something wrong with you.

I just knew it.

You're just a sad little
nobody with a good scam.

Yeah, who the hell are you to
criticize me for having two jobs?

What, did you ever
lack for attention?

Okay, just spare us the
Sturm und Drang, honey, okay?

I checked the entire database of
licensed agents, and you're not anywhere.

You never were,
as far back as '85.

You lied about who you
are. That's unforgivable.

I don't care how hard
you worked. I trusted you!

Am I defending the
fact that I got you

the lead in Hearts 'N
Scalpels means nothing to you?

Why, because I don't have
the right piece of paper?

Do you even have
any other clients?

Do you have any other clients?

You're scaring me.

I won't have you talk to me this way,
all right? I treated you with respect.

I deserve respect, too.

Colleen, I want you to leave me
alone now. No calls, no visits, nothing.

This is the end of our
relationship. Do you understand?

How'd you even get on
the lot, anyway? The tour?

Why? Why me?

Don't even ask, Sean,
okay? She's clearly demented.

You know I don't like it
when you do that, Mama.

Don't start with me
about what you don't like.

Not unless you want
me to start complaining.

You know,

I think you're the cat's
pajamas, but this is business.

That's why I love you so
much. You're a hot, sexy woman

who also understands
the business side of my life.

Rewards.

Pressures.

I get it.

I just don't have to like it.

- Hi.
- Hi.

How's my baby doing?

- Good.
- Yeah?

Hmm.

Welcome to the family.

Go ahead, say it. I
know you want to.

Fine. I'm an idiot, okay?

- And?
- And what?

You want me to get
on my knees? I'm sorry.

And just so we don't get sued, the
next time someone comes in here

with an outrageous request, you'll
double-check their background first.

- Like you researched Colleen.
- That's different.

No, she came into your
office, blew smoke up your ass

and you handed her your
career, no questions asked. Hmm?

You're right.

Damn, it felt good, though,
getting my ego stroked like that.

It's a mental blowjob.

You can sit back, relax, let
them do the work while you get off.

It's addicting, though. I
feel like I'm in withdrawal.

You got worse problems
than that, my friend.

You think you're an actor.

What are you
doing here, Colleen?

What have you done?

I'm calling 911.

I think it's a good idea.

Make me beautiful

Lie

English-SDH