Nip/Tuck (2003–2010): Season 4, Episode 3 - Monica Wilder - full transcript

Previously on Nip / Tuck...

You look good.

I found something
that I know can help me.

- What?
- Scientology.

I want to do an operation on the baby.

It may take multiple surgeries.
I can't know that yet,

but I want to do it soon.

Okay.

Do it, Sean.

Like my new baby? 230 grand.

Spoils of the sale, my friend.



Four hundred and fifty horse,
top speed of 192 per hour,

multi-point sequential fuel injection,

and a color TV in the dash
so I never miss an episode of Oprah.

I picked up a new set of wheels myself.

Oh, yeah.

Sixty miles to the gallon,
and I can drive it in the carpool lane.

Check this out.

I had it installed this morning.

- Any day now, huh?
- Yeah.

- Nervous?
- Third time's a charm.

We're hyper-prepared this time.
No surprises.

Which is why I want you to have this
for when Julia's water breaks.

I mean, you were there
for Matt and Annie's births.

It's a McNamara family tradition.



Call my cell phone.

Beepers are for plumbers
and drug dealers.

You never answer your phone.

The line of my jacket's ruined, Sean.

Look, Christian, I need to take care of Julia
during the birth.

Allamby is adequate,
but I want a doctor there I can trust

in case there are any complications.

Okay.

What's so funny, ladies?

Linda, are you blushing?

- Yeah.
- Roll over. I want to spank your ass.

- Oh, baby. Huh?
- Yeah.

- Do you like it that way, huh?
- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I want every inch of you, baby.

Oh, yeah. Here we go.

Oh, yeah! Touchdown, baby! Touchdown!

- Yeah! We're good!
- Touchdown, man! Yeah, baby!

Good! Give me more! Give it to me!

- Christian, is that you?
- All right, you want more, baby?

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

I can go all night.
I'm a goddamn juggernaut!

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

Where the hell did you get this?

Looks like you screwed over
one AV nerd too many, hot pants.

This was posted on YouTube yesterday.

It's gone viral in the last 24 hours.

Your fat ass has been downloaded
6,000 times, Christian.

This is bullshit.

It's also illegal. You could sue.
This is an invasion of privacy.

I don't give a shit about that.
Leaked sex tapes are gold.

But look at the angle
she's got on my tummy.

I look like Jabba the Hutt.

- Look at me!
- I'm looking at you!

Jesus!

The camera does add 15 pounds.

Yeah.

Say I'm the hottest piece of ass
you ever had.

Okay! Okay! You're the hottest,
sexiest piece of ass I've ever had!

- Yeah!
- Yeah! I'm coming. I'm gonna come!

Oh, yeah.

- What?
- Yeah.

- I'm gonna go wash it off, baby.
- Okay, baby.

Oh, yeah. What a body.

Holy shit.

Is that my ass?

Is this a stretch mark?

It's nothing.

You didn't get stretch marks
with Matt or Annie.

- Why worry about them now?
- I wasn't 40 when I had them.

Here, let me do it.
I'm not gonna let you have all the fun.

Don't forget to be home early.

We have the interviews
with the nurses Linda recommended.

Of course. Nose jobs will have to wait.

This is my priority right now.

Do you think it's too early
to be hiring a night nurse?

If there's one thing I learned
from having two kids already,

it's that they don't give out
parenting medals

for being up all night.

His condition is gonna be
challenging, Julia.

The only way
we're gonna be able to handle it

is if we hit the ground running.

- Say it.
- This is ridiculous.

What's the difference?
You say it 10 times a day.

Tell me what you don't like about yourself.

I'd like you to do some lipo
on my midsection.

You're overreacting.

My imperfections, while slight,

have been broadcast
for the whole world to see, Sean.

Now, I have a strong ego,

but when a whole city
starts looking at you as if you're flawed,

it's hard not to start believing.

I went to a club last night.

I could feel everybody's eyes
looking at my stomach.

Christian, this is classic
body dysmorphic disorder.

Look at yourself in the mirror.
You are a model of physical perfection.

I know, but I can be better. I know I can.

Would you tell a millionaire
to stop making money?

Do you say that "hottest piece of ass" line
every time you have sex?

Pretty much.

Fine, if you don't do it for me,
then do it for the business.

Plastic surgeons can't be fat.

There's an epidemic of obesity
in this country,

and it is our job
to exemplify a healthy alternative.

Passing on the Key lime pie
or that second bottle of merlot

might be a more reasonable way
to set an example.

- Diet?
- Yeah.

Is that what we tell
the 20 people a week who come in here

looking to get their spare tires
sucked out? No, Sean.

We're in the quick fix biz.

I went through the video
a few more times,

and I've identified these
as my problem areas.

I saw the video, too. I think
it's your ass you should be marking up.

Just put me on the books.

- How can you do this to me right now?
- Do what?

I'm having a handicapped son
in a few days.

How can you stand in front of me
and be so superficial?

Well, I'm sorry. I...

I guess I thought you were doing okay.
I mean, you seem so on top of everything.

You need to talk? I'm here for you.

No, I'm fine.

It's just... There's still a lot to do.

I just think you should call your trainer
before you call your doctor.

15, 16...

You know, this would be a lot easier
if you came to see me more often.

Candy, I'm a plastic surgeon.

I don't have time to come down here
and sweat it to the oldies

five times a week.

Models and actors.
Nothing but time to work out

and jerk off
looking at themselves in the mirror.

Yeah, actually, he's not an actor.
That's Dr. Mike Hamoui.

He's a plastic surgeon, too.

Come on.

Let's go. Come on.

Nineteen. Come on, Christian!

Up, up, up! All the way! Let's go!
20, 20, 20! All right.

Are you staring at my dick?

No, I'm checking out your ass.

- Dr. Christian Troy.
- Dr. Mike Hamoui.

- McNamara/Troy, right?
- You've heard of us, huh?

Yeah, you guys were front-page news
for a while.

And I saw your video.

Seriously, though,
it's an honor to meet you.

You guys were the first place in town
to mix plastic surgery with style.

You paved the way, my brother.

How big is your practice?

Too big.
Just had to hire two new associates,

and we're thinking of
taking on a third next month.

I tell you, Christian,
this town is filthy with malakas

who will pay the big bucks
to look half as good as we do.

Let me ask you something.

How do you get that delineation
in your abs there?

I've been doing
a thousand crunches a week,

and I can't seem to get mine
to pop like that.

I don't eat.

Seriously. I have protein shakes
for breakfast and lunch and a light dinner.

And no refined sugars.

- And I'm in here every day.
- How do you find the time?

Well, the hour you spend
watching SportsCenter, I'm in here.

During your 45-minute lunch
at Joe's Stone Crab,

I'm jogging down the strand.
You gotta make the sacrifices.

Sacrifices?
You're a goddamn physical terrorist.

But I don't have to wait to get into heaven
to screw 40 virgins.

Look, thing is, I'm 33.

Your basal metabolic rate slows down
10% every decade after 30.

Now, you look great for your age.

But it's next to impossible for you
to look like me. Not naturally.

Hey, it's nice meeting you, huh?

Why the hell haven't you returned
any of my calls?

I didn't know you worked out here.

I've been trying to get ahold of you
for a week, Mattie.

I've been kind of busy.

Doing what? Handing out leaflets
at airports with Hare Kimber?

You see, that's why
I don't want to talk to you, man.

You're an SP.

- God damn it, I'm not superficial.
- No, suppressive personality.

That's someone who keeps you
from being your true self,

realizing your full potential.

- Who told you that, the self-help fairy?
- No, Kimber.

She's got a lot more to her
than you think, man.

Trust me, slick,
I know every inch of that woman.

She's nothing more than
a bleached-blonde vampire,

and you need to stay
the hell away from her.

Wait, Mattie. Mattie, Mattie, wait!

Come on.
After everything you've been through,

you're vulnerable right now, that's all.

Kimber feeds off that.
You can take my word for it.

Since when did you become
the moral authority?

All you care about is women,
how to abuse them,

and maybe flashy cars.

Look, I just can't have you
in my life right now.

All right. How long is this gonna last?

Until I decide.

I'm getting my nursing degree at Barry.
That's why I moved down from Akron.

Yeah.

And have you worked
with handicapped children before?

I prefer "handi-capable. "

The child doesn't think
there's anything wrong with him.

It's just the way life is.

I hope it's okay,

but when Nurse Linda told me
of your child's condition,

I did some research.

I assume, as a plastic surgeon,

you'll be performing
the reconstructive surgeries on him?

That's right.

Well, I'm very comfortable
administering medications

and changing bandages.

Now, poopy diapers, that's another story.

Well, Monica,
I'm gonna check your references,

but barring anything unforeseen,

I think that we'd love to have you
working with us.

Do you guys know
how often the bus stops

at the station on the corner?

- You don't have a car?
- It's being shipped from Akron.

I promise it'll be here before I start work.

You know what? This is silly.
I mean, it's pouring out.

- Sean will drive you home.
- Yeah, of course.

Are you sure? I won't melt.

Oh, please. He never misses a chance
to take his new hybrid baby for a spin.

Excuse me. The garage is back here.

So how are you doing, Dr. McNamara?

I don't mean to pry.

It's just that I've worked with a lot
of families with handi-capable kids

and it's always the father who takes
the back seat to everyone, even the dog.

We don't have a dog, but thanks. I'm fine.

I'm so excited to start working down here.
You know, in a big city.

Oh, Miami's great. You've got the beach,
the Everglades, lots of young people.

With your personality,
I'm sure you'll make plenty of friends.

Yeah.

I went to South Beach
when I first got here.

I know how far my personality will get me
next to those perfect bods

in their dental-floss thongs.

No, don't say that.

- You're a very attractive girl.
- For Akron.

Would you give me your honest opinion
on something as a surgeon?

What do you think
about this bump on my nose?

I always thought it sort of looked like
a permanent zit.

I wouldn't change a thing.

- Hey, you mind if I turn this on?
- Sure.

- Here. This one.
- Where's... I can't...

- You turn that. That's up and down.
- Oh, wow!

Cool.

Oh, yes! I love this song.
This would be my prom theme.

Mine was Stairway to Heaven.
God! Makes me feel so old.

God, I miss that time.
Nothing to do but chill and have fun.

No responsibilities.

All that ends when you have kids.

That feeling of freedom,
nobody demanding anything from you.

That's what youth is.

Yeah.

I guess I should try and enjoy it more
while I still can.

What's a wonderwall?

It's somebody you can always lean on.

No matter what you need,
they're there for you.

I don't understand.
How does an electric car run out of gas?

It's not a golf cart, Julia. It's a hybrid.

Electric and gas.
You still have to fill up the tank.

The electric engine's very sensitive,

and once you run out of gas,
it just shuts itself down.

I'm waiting for AAA.

Did you at least drop Monica off first?

It's just...
I'm sure she's gonna get other offers,

and I don't want her not to like us

just 'cause you made her
stand out in the rain for an hour.

No, she's fine.

- I'll see you later. I love you.
- I love you, too.

Be careful.

Did she buy it?

Look, Monica, I'm sorry...

No, I'm sorry, Dr. McNamara.

I have to stop doing this.

You've done it before?

Just once, with a father
I worked with in Akron.

That was after I worked for them
for, like, two years,

and his wife was a total bitch.
Not like your wife.

I've just been so lonely since I moved here,

and I know it's silly, but I miss him.

And you kind of remind me of him.

I don't think it would be appropriate
for you to work for us, Monica.

I understand.

Screw you, Monica.

Every time you get close
to something perfect,

you have to ruin everything.

Randall, the dad from Akron,

he used to tell me
I made love like an ugly girl,

grateful for whatever I could get.

I need to go. Can you take me home now?

What's the point, right? Lipstick on a pig.

That's what Randall used to say.

Why don't you let me
do something for you?

I thought we didn't have anything
till 10:00.

I thought you were meeting
with your trainer this morning.

She canceled. Food poisoning.

- Who's this?
- Family friend. Deviated septum.

Poor girl can hardly breathe.

Nobody tells me anything.
I thought we didn't have surgery till 10:00.

Just a deviated septum.
Nothing I can't handle on my own.

- Isn't that Monica Wilder?
- Who's Monica Wilder?

She's the night nurse
I referred to Sean and Julia.

I didn't know she had a deviated septum.

So you'll give your night nurse a nose job,

but you won't give your partner
some lunchtime lipo?

She's not my night nurse.
We didn't hire her.

She didn't really have enough experience.

You porked her.

This girl can't breathe
during allergy season.

Her needs are totally different
from yours. Mallet.

The only difference is that you deviated
your dick into her, hypocrite.

She has a deviated septum.

Can I help?

Yeah, sure. Sure. Thank you.

No problem.

I really appreciate all of the upgrades
that you've made around here.

Well, I really appreciate
appreciative employees.

It's so nice to have a woman in charge.

Well, the boys need to know
that we can do a lot more

than answer phones
and make a good cup of coffee.

Thank you.

Michelle?

I just want you to know
that I was in the same boat as you

when I got my memo.

I wasn't married, but I was
living with a guy when I came out.

Came out? What are you talking about?

Well, I saw you in the parking lot

with your girlfriend.

She's just a friend.

She was fondling your breasts.

I just want you to know
that if you ever want to talk,

then I'm here for you.

Hey.

We paid over $1,000 for this thing

and the instructions
don't make any sense!

I think someone has the new-daddy jitters.

It's just that with him coming
and selling the business,

it's a lot of change all at once.

Don't worry. I can handle it.

Well, can you handle a little more?

I just got off the phone
with Monica Wilder.

- What did she say?
- She's passing on the job.

- Why?
- She's moving back to Akron.

She said she found everyone in Miami
too image-conscious.

Hey, relax. We'll find someone else.

Are you okay?

Honey, is there something
you want to talk to me about?

No. Why?

It's just that you're my husband
and I know that when you get upset,

you know, you get effective.

You manage the stuff
to manage your anxiety.

Now, this baby is coming home
to two people who love each other,

and that's all he's gonna need.

- Jules.
- Dr. Allamby said

we should start having sex.

It induces labor.

Maybe we should wait.

Till we've found another nanny
and the nursery's finished?

Yeah, you're probably right.

I'll talk to Linda,

have her suggest a few more candidates.

- Okay.
- I'll hold this, and if...

- Yeah.
- Remember, you need the screw.

No, I've got the screw, but it's...
I'm trying to screw it in there.

Two gastric bypasses,
three surgeries to remove excess skin,

now a pannus removal.

Maybe he should have
just laid off the guacamole.

It's not that easy, Liz.

With the amount of high-calorie choices
available to consumers these days

and the enormous portions
restaurants shove in your face,

surgery is some people's only option.

Standing proud
with your fat-ernity brother, Christian?

You know, you can't hide behind those
slimming scrubs anymore, super-chub.

I saw the tape.

I don't think it's appropriate to discuss
your new jerk-off material over surgery.

Oh, I didn't masturbate
to your sex tape, Christian.

I am not a chubby chaser.

Can you even find your weedy cooch
under that massive gunt of yours?

Listen...

Michelle, will you stop
contaminating the sterile environment?

This will only take a minute.

I won't tolerate sexual harassment
in my office.

- Finally.
- Liz, you're fired.

You can't fire Liz, Michelle.

This is my practice, Sean.

I won't stand for an employee
feeling pressured sexually,

and that includes me.

Since when is offering a kind ear
to a coworker

considered sexual harassment?

You turned an innocent encounter
I had with an old friend

into a lurid sexual tryst.

I won't work in an environment

where I have to worry
that every contact I have with a woman

encourages your sexual fantasies.

I am sorry if I offended you,
and maybe I went too far.

But I know what I saw.

- You saw what you wanted to see.
- What is that supposed to mean?

It means that not everyone is gay, Liz.

You can sing whatever song you want to
in front of them,

but I will not let your gay shame
cost me my job.

You know,
I thought having a woman run this place

was gonna make a big difference,

but with you, it's all espresso machines
and fresh carpeting, Michelle.

I am still working for a dick!

That's enough, Liz.
Let us handle this, all right?

I am not too proud to litigate.

Why'd you do that, Sean?

I was hoping
for a good old-fashioned catfight.

This is serious, Christian.

Hey, I'm with Michelle.
Fire the bitch. She's a man-hater.

Michelle, you're taking
a trivial misunderstanding

and twisting it into a substantial situation.

How would you feel
if I started going around

spreading rumors
about you and Christian being lovers?

That's entirely different.

Liz isn't inventing what she saw
out of whole cloth.

- You're saying you believe her?
- Look, it doesn't matter what I believe.

We all have lives outside of the office.

You're proving my point.

Once accusations start to fly,
it doesn't matter if they're true or not.

Her lie is a threat to my authority
and my marriage.

Michelle, you've earned the staff's respect.
They love you.

But they love Liz more.
If you fire her, you'll lose them.

She's on probation.

One more strike and she's out.

Great. I gotta get to my training session.

Candy makes me do an extra
couple of lunges for every minute I'm late.

This lunchtime lipo's fantastic.
It's the 21st century bulimia.

And it's 40% of my Wednesday schedule.

People eat Big Macs all week,
then come in here

to have them sucked off their hips
in time for the weekend.

- We can't all have your genes.
- You don't want my genes, Christian.

In Sao Paulo
they call my family as Gorduras.

That's Portuguese for "the Fats. "

I can't even visit them anymore
with their pao de queijo

and pounds of pork
they shovel into themselves.

It's like visiting a stable.

Lighten up, there, buddy.
They're not serial killers.

Oh, but they are.
They're slowly murdering themselves.

Being fat isn't a handicap
you're born with, Christian.

It's a lifestyle choice.

You want to give me an eight-pack?
Tilt that cannula at 45 degrees.

I want my come gutters to run deep.

I drive a Ferrari Diablo.
Want to know why?

Nowhere for the backseat driver to sit.

You keep joking, junior.

Ten years from now,
you'll be lying on my table,

I'll be sticking that thing into you.

Time is a bitch.

So how come your partner
isn't doing this for you?

I hear he's a hell of a surgeon.

Oh, we don't have time
for any in-house freebies.

Besides, Sean's got a lot on his plate.
His wife's about to have a baby.

I understand if I make you uncomfortable.

Most couples have a hard time
with a male nurse.

That was a joke.

Oh.

Yeah, I actually asked Nurse Linda
to refer a couple of male candidates.

I thought it'd be nice
to have a masculine influence

around the house while I'm at work.

That's very forward-thinking of you,
Dr. McNamara.

Most men get a little territorial
about having another man in their home.

I see you have a degree in art restoration.

That's very unusual for a nurse.

Yeah, well, if I was half as good a painter
as I am a nurse,

that degree might be worth something.

I still paint, just more like a hobby.

And have you worked
with handi-capable children before?

"Handi-capable. "

That's like calling me "height-challenged. "

The worst thing you can do for your son
is tiptoe around his condition.

I speak from personal experience.

Luckily, it looks like we're gonna be able
to reconstruct his hands

with a series of surgeries.

Can I ask why you've decided to operate
before you've even met him?

We feel it's his best chance
to live a normal life.

Okay, but don't you think it's important
to hold his hand before you change it?

Well, thank you for coming by,
Mr. Sawyer.

We'll let you know.

Do me a favor, Julia.

Native Americans believe
that if you look a child in his eyes

the moments after it's born,
you can see his soul.

When they hand your son to you,
can you do that for me?

Sorry about that, Julia. I had no idea.

It'll be all right. We'll find someone.

You better do it soon.
My water just broke.

Christian, where are you?
I paged you nine times.

The baby's breeched.

We're gonna have to do
an emergency cesarean.

We're going to start, Doctor.

Get here.

- Is our baby okay?
- Absolutely.

Late-term breeches occur
about 4% of the time.

He'll be out in three minutes.

Ten-blade.

Make sure you're in the pubic crease.

Otherwise, she'll never be able
to wear a bikini again.

I've done a few of these before, Doctor.

She's doing great.

- It's okay.
- No.

It's okay. It's okay.

Okay, almost.

He's out.

Okay.

Hey.

What do you think, honey?
Does he look like a Conor?

He looks like you, Dad.

- What is she doing?
- Diaper check.

- Let me go!
- No. Hey, no. I'll go.

She'll get used to it.

Hi, Mr. Sawyer?
It's Julia McNamara calling.

Yes, I had the baby,
and we're fine, thank you.

Look, I was wondering if you'd
still be interested in working for us.

- Does he have a name?
- Conor.

Jesus, Sean, he's beautiful.

Look, I'm sorry, but it was just his birth.

Everybody has one. Nobody remembers it.

Call me when the kid needs stitches

or wants to learn
how to tie a Windsor knot.

He didn't need you, I did.

I know. I'm sorry.

I'll make it up to you.

What's wrong with you?

Lipo.

How are his hands?

English