Nip/Tuck (2003–2010): Season 4, Episode 4 - Shari Noble - full transcript

Previously on Nip / Tuck...

You turned an innocent encounter
I had with an old friend

into a lurid, sexual tryst.

I know what I saw.

We should just
hop into the empty bed right here.

Before he wakes up.

Barring anything unforeseen, I think that
we'd love to have you working with us.

I just got off the phone
with Monica Wilder.

She's passing on the job.

Most couples have a hard time
with a male nurse.

We've got to talk.



I think you pretty much made your point

when I was late for Conor's birth.

I'm a shallow, insensitive dickwad,
and a disappointment as a friend.

- Christian...
- And you're probably right.

But this is called the break room.
As in, I need one.

I want to apologize for being a
self-righteous hypocrite.

You were right about the night nurse.

I screwed her and I gave her a gratis nose
job so she wouldn't say anything to Julia.

After Megan, I swore I'd never cheat again.

And now I've done just that
with someone I don't even like.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

Julia's been closed
for repairs lately, right?

It was a one time thing,
cut yourself some slack.

- Just don't do it again.
- I want to do it again.



Badly.

- What's her name?
- Monica.

Monica.

Gone. The little slut's history.
Easy as popping a zit, huh?

The thing is, Sean, some men can't
handle temptation.

And some men can.

- You know, it's just how I pictured it.
- I assume that's a compliment.

Before I forget, I have a table at
the Philharmonic fundraiser on Saturday.

- Burt's not feeling up to it so...
- Well, maybe you should try prune juice.

...I thought you might want to go with me.

I'll have my tux pressed.

Two settings?

I was under the impression
Sean would be joining us.

Wasn't this supposed to be
our bury-the-hatchet dinner?

He sends his regrets.
Diaper rash or something.

Try some beluga.

Nice and buttery, not too salty.

You know, I don't think I ever told you.

I went to medical school.

I wanted to specialize
in reconstructive surgery.

But you never finished?

In my second year,
my mother was diagnosed with lymphoma

and I had to go back
and help with the family.

But I have no regrets.

I'm not exactly the surgeon
I dreamt of becoming,

but I do own one of the
top 10 plastic surgery practices in Miami.

I have big dreams for this business.

- Let's make the most of this association.
- Let's.

What are you doing, Christian?

I think Oscar Wilde said it best.

To get rid of temptation,
you need to give in to it.

Just so you know, sweetie-pie,
I'm not into S&M.

And I'm not into you.

Who do you think you're kidding?

You and I both know
you spent hours deliberating

which dress in your closet best displayed
that world-class cleavage of yours.

Since you love being
a businesswoman so much, Michelle,

let me give you the bottom line.

You either get real with me
and give in to what we're both feeling,

or sell me my business back.

Although my nurses might enjoy it,
I don't like doing surgery with a hard-on.

If you're uncomfortable
with the way I dress,

or in fact
anything at all about me, Christian,

then you're the one
who should consider leaving.

'Cause me and my world-class cleavage
ain't going nowhere.

It's the baby's position that's wrong.

Let's try the football position.
Just put him... All right.

All right, just right under you there.
Excellent.

Like that?

All right, sweetie, come on.

Come on.

I feel like I'm running for a touchdown.

Try to keep an open mind, honey.

Okay, on to plan B.

- Any beer in the fridge, Dr. McNamara?
- Beer?

Beer can be helpful
with lactation promotion.

It relaxes the mommy
so the milk can flow.

You know what, Mrs. Gunther?
I don't feel like a beer.

I think we'll take it from here.
So, thank you for your time.

If you continue to deny him the breast,
he will lose interest...

You know what? I have nursed two babies
and I don't need these irritating clich?s.

I'm just going to pump my milk
and take a nap.

I wish you the best.

Thank you, Mrs. Gunther.

We need to think about
his surgeries, honey.

His first one's in three months

and breastfeeding helps him
gain the weight he needs

so his immune system will be strong.

The skin-on-skin contact also makes
him secure so he can handle the stress.

Yeah, but what about my stress, Sean?

You know, the milk won't flow.
You know, I've tried everything.

I know you judge me,
and you think I'm a bad mother...

I'm not judging you, Julia.
I'm just worried about Conor.

I think I have postpartum depression.

Maybe I should be on medication.

I kept telling the doctor in the ER,

it has got to look like nothing happened.

Finally, he just said to me,
"Lady, if you're that worried about it,

"you need to see a plastic surgeon. "

Do you mind?

Are you in pain, Mrs. Noble?
This looks quite brutal.

Oh, no, they gave me shots in the ER,
right here, where it happened.

- Your dog did this to you?
- His name is Rojo.

He's a pit bull mix.

But truly, it wasn't his fault,
he is an angel.

- An angel who left you without a nipple.
- Well, he didn't mean to attack me.

We were minding our own business
in the dog park

when this psycho chow just attacked him.

How did your nipple
find its way into a dogfight?

I was trying to separate them.

I was wearing a little tank t-shirt,
and his teeth just landed here.

You know, I...
It ripped right through the fabric.

I never should have tried to stop things.
I know that I used bad judgment.

The good news is you used
excellent judgment in coming to us.

We can give you subcutaneous sutures
and you won't ever see the stitches...

But I need it to look like
it never happened.

Okay.

My husband, Mark,
is coming back from Iraq in a week.

And he'll have the dog put down
if he finds out.

See, he already thinks that
Rojo's a problem dog.

Mark's away a lot
and Rojo is my protector.

He makes me feel safe.

I would lose my mind
if anything happened to him.

I mean, he was just doing his job.

I didn't see any papers of resignation
on my desk.

So I'll assume we're back on track?

Your chocolate cupcakes are
looking very tasty this morning, Michelle.

I get it.

If a straight man mentions sex,
it's not sexual harassment, it's foreplay.

By the way, Burt's feeling better.

He's determined to take me to the
fundraiser tonight.

Sorry,
but I'll have to rescind my invitation.

I know how you feel, Christian.

I've had some extremely
hot dreams about her myself.

Who?

Our lady of the low-cut camisole
and vanilla-grapefruit musk.

You know, there's a price to be paid
for living in a fog of oblivion, Liz.

Look at this poor lady.

She thought her doggie was a pussycat
and she lost her nipple.

What makes you think
you've got a shot with her?

Michelle is the kind of woman
who wants to feel like a spider

and I'm a helpless little fly
caught in her web.

Do you think you that could teach me
to be as full of shit as you are?

I thought lesbians didn't play games.

I thought it was all about cuddling
and sharing your depilatory cream.

Have you been to a lesbian bar lately?

There is more gaming going on
than a Vegas casino.

And the girls,
they're younger and they're hotter.

When was the last time
you went on a date, Liz?

A real one? Year and a half.

Hey, I have my rabbit vibrator.
Who needs a real, live girl, right?

Maybe you just need
to get yourself a coach.

What are you doing Saturday night?

Morning.

Don't you think that's a little inappropriate
for a baby's room?

Well, I'm not finished.

When I'm done
it will be filled with magic and color.

And if you don't like it,
I'll just paint over it.

- But you'll love it.
- I hope so.

Maybe it's my mood, but lately
everything seems to unnerve me.

Yeah,
you have seemed a little down lately.

I think I have postpartum.

I told Sean
I was considering taking medication.

He's against it, of course.

I'm just tired of letting people down.
I mean, especially Conor.

He'll be fine on formula,
millions of babies take it.

Julia, I've been around a lot of
mothers with postpartum.

And you don't seem like someone
whose hormones are running amok.

Can I make an observation?

Well, it just seems to me like
you feel responsible for all of it.

For Conor's condition,
everything he's gonna have to go through.

Who could sit and enjoy
the simple act of nursing their baby

with all that weight on their shoulders?

I mean, don't get me wrong,

if you feel like you need to go
on medication, you should.

That's fine, but...

But what?

I know this one little trick.
I think it might be worth trying.

Shh, sweetie.

- What's that?
- A warm washcloth.

I'm just gonna move this.

It should relax the milk ducts.
Help with the let-down reflex.

What a crying shame.

All these magnificent vaginas
wasted on other vaginas.

Focus, Christian.

This is about finding me
the vagina of my dreams.

As if anyone here wants to go home
with a geriatric butterball.

Tip number one,
the self-deprecation's gotta go, okay?

What about her?

She's an eight.
Eights go home with eights or nines.

I'm a six.

Is she looking at me? She, over there?

She can't be looking at me. She's a 10.

No offense, sweetheart,
but I think she's looking at me.

Watch and learn, dizzy Lizzy.

Here's something to think about while
you're nibbling on that swizzle stick.

I can munch, dive, and go fish better
than any girl in this place.

Plus I have in my possession a very
lifelike dildo

just in case you start to get kinky.

What do you say?

First of all, I do the munching.

Second of all, you're an asshole.

Goddamn dykes have no sense of humor.

More alcohol's not gonna
make your number go up, Lizzy.

This is from your friend over there.

She says she wants to know
how soon you can dump the fairy.

You're so beautiful. You're a goddess.

Are you really here or did I dream you up?

You're the dream.

- Hello.
- Don't move.

You were shot full oflidocaine

so there shouldn't be any pain
before the paramedics arrive.

They're on their way.

What's the matter with me?

Your kidney's been surgically removed.

But don't worry, honey,
you only need one to live.

Dr. Da vis, telephone, please.
Dr. Da vis, telephone, please.

How is she?

I'm Dr. McNamara, this is Dr. Troy.
Dr. Cruz works for us.

Nice to meet you. Dr. Mira Mukhtar.
I'm a nephrologist.

- Please tell me she's gonna be okay.
- She's actually in very good shape.

Whoever these organ thieves are,
they do a clean, sterile nephrectomy.

Do we have any information
on who these people are?

There have been four of these thefts
in Miami since Christmas, all similar.

A decoy in a bar, a clean surgery
and a polite phone call afterwards.

The investigating officers think an
organized ring has moved into the area.

How much does a black market kidney
go for?

$200,000, maybe more.

That's if you go through
a new breed of broker.

They handle your flights
to Shanghai, Brazil,

and a half-dozen other countries
where crime flies under the radar.

- Can we see her?
- Yeah.

Dr. Bell, contact 2479.
Dr. Bell, contact 2479.

Hey.

My first pick up in a gay bar. Ow.

You think
God's trying to tell me something?

You're gonna be okay, Liz.

I'm fine. These meds are fantastic.

What is it about a beautiful woman?

I'm so sorry, Liz.

They told me I would be
out of commission for four to six weeks.

We'll get someone to cover for you,
that's not a problem.

Take all the time you need.

That's not the problem.

I don't have anyone to take care of me.

I don't have anyone.

You're wrong, Liz. You're not alone.

You'll always have us, Lizzy.

We're taking you back to McNamara/Troy
as soon as you pass gas.

Don't make me laugh.

Congratulations, darling.
You almost look respectable.

Who's this?

This is Analise.

Analise has been working for me,
for how long has it been?

Two years.

Analise has been sloppy.

I'm afraid she's compromised a client.

We need to make some changes,
don't we, Analise?

- Changes?
- Yes.

Specifically, a new nose
and chin for our girl here.

And it needs to happen today.

I don't owe you this.

I owe you one last payment
and then we are finished.

I don't think you realize
what a boon your new business is, pet.

For all of us.

What's good for me
is always the best for you.

You're fine with this?

She says frog, you jump?

James has always taken good care of me.

She knows what's best.

And what am I supposed to say
to the doctors?

They'll take one look at her
and say she doesn't need anything at all.

They will turn her down, I guarantee it.

Come here, darling.

Let's see if we at least have a case
for a chemical peel.

Does that solve your problem?

Put her on the books. Now.

Christian, she's been through a
terrible head-on collision, let her...

- Let her have it the way she wants it.
- I examined her.

Her features have classical proportions.

Why would somebody who looks like a
supermodel want to change her face?

Our job is not to judge, Christian.

I have the patient's request in writing.
Aquiline nose and enhanced chin.

Fine.

How long are the procedures?

Do you have time
to do them both by yourself?

- I might need some help.
- I'll pull Sean.

He's in a consult.

I'd like you to help me, Dr. Landau.

Linda, did I tell you that Michelle
went to medical school?

Scrub up, doc.

You know, if somebody
offered me my dream, I'd just say yes.

Would you like to make the first cut,
doctor? I'll be right behind you.

15-blade.

15-blade.

A month's severance.
I think that's perfectly fair.

More than fair.

But I'm also entitled
to a reasonable explanation.

You crossed the line, Marlowe.

You fondled my wife's breast.

It was right in front of you
and you couldn't resist touching it.

I said reasonable explanation.

I was trying to help her milk let down.

Listen, I get it.

You're working around vulnerable women
in a state of semi-undress,

it's got to be tempting.

Especially when you might have
some frustrations in that area.

Meaning that
I have problems attracting women,

therefore in my sex-starved state

I couldn't help
but cop a feel of your wife's breast.

Too bad, I liked this job.

And strangely enough, I thought
you and I were on the same page.

About what?

About keeping Julia off of antidepressants
so she can nurse Conor.

He needs that from her.

But you know what?
He's not my kid, he's yours.

And about me and the ladies?

Between Gilda,
she's a dancer with the Miami Ballet,

and Rosie, a buyer for Saks, I get more...

- Send Julia my regrets.
- Wait a minute.

So in your opinion, what are the chances
we can keep her off the medication?

Personally, I think the pills
are just an excuse not to breast-feed.

When she nurses, his little hands
on her skin make her anxious.

I've seen it firsthand.

So, what's your solution
if you don't mind my asking?

She needs the space to express herself.

Encouragement, not absolutes.

Anything more
and you're gonna have to pay me.

Hi. Is this a bad time?

It's all clear up there, Monica.

I'm not sure
why you're having trouble breathing.

- It isn't swollen?
- Nope.

Would you hate me if I told you
I wasn't really having trouble breathing?

What I'm having trouble with
is getting you out of my mind.

- How you touched me...
- Monica, I'm not gonna be with you again.

I'm married. We both made a mistake.

People say that eyes are the windows
to a person's soul.

I say it's the hands.

I love your hands.
They're so sensitive and confident.

Come see me tonight.

You know where I live,
you dropped me off.

You need to forget about me, Monica.

I can't. I tried, I can't.

I'll be at home tonight.

Thinking of your hands on me.

When will I get my sensation back?

It should come back
over the next few months.

Mark.

Hello, Shari.

- What are you... I thought...
- You thought what?

Excuse me,
but we're in the middle of an exam.

You'll have to take a seat
in the waiting room.

Well, you said you weren't coming back
until the 30th.

So you booked a little plastic surgery
to make yourself look all pretty for me?

- How'd you know?
- You weren't home.

- I called your sister.
- I'm sorry I didn't clean the house.

Guess what I saw?

Sir, the homecoming's gonna have to
wait until your wife is discharged.

Did Rojo poop inside?
I asked my sister to walk him.

I saw an open peanut butter jar
by the goddamn bed, Shari.

I thought we agreed
this wasn't gonna happen again.

I told you I didn't clean up, I didn't
know that you were coming back.

So now you just keep it there by the bed?
Case the spirit moves you?

How often? Every night?

Sergeant, if your wife's
peanut butter addiction is a problem,

you'll have to deal with this at home.

I'll be done in 60 seconds.

You know, on our very first date, Shari,

as you sat there, chattering away,

my mind ran through all the things about
you that could become a problem for me.

As you know, I like to anticipate.

You know what you failed to
anticipate, Mark?

How lonely I would get
with you gone for months at a time!

And I also failed to anticipate

that you would turn into
a faithless, demented whore

who would use peanut
butter to seduce your own dog!

What's in your duffel bag, Mark?
What did you do?

What was I supposed to do?

What any man would do
to his wife's lover.

Poor dog, never even saw it coming.

Seduced by a weakness for peanut butter
and a blind trust in humans.

This way, boys. It's out the back entrance.

Liz, I'm so sorry
about what happened to you.

If you ever need anything,
anything at all, don't hesitate to ask.

Careful, Christian.

Based on recent events,
it should be crystal clear

that there's a reason
that some fruit is forbidden.

I think you've had enough exercise
for today, Lizzy.

Let's get you back to bed.

You're Michelle's friend.

She'll be back in a minute, she just
went to take care of some business.

It's not a problem.

- Who's that?
- She's the one.

You know, the one who very obviously
was not fondling Michelle in the garage.

- How was your day?
- It was good. It was better, in fact.

I'm glad to hear that.

It's growing on me, what do you think?

Not sure yet.

- Want a beer?
- Sure.

Oh, my God, I'm so glad you came.

Come in.

I could use a drink.

I've got the ticket.

Actually, I'd prefer a Scotch.

They're hash brownies.
I made them this afternoon.

There's nothing better
than making love stoned.

Take off your tie, Doc.

Take your tie off, pussy.

I mean, you can't take her ass
with your tie on, right?

This is some good shit.

What are you doing here?

Hell was full,
so I came up to chaperone your ass.

You know how much I love a party, Sean.

What do you want?

No, my friend, I believe the question is
what do you want?

I believe you want this.
So take off your pants and be a man.

I think that's what I would do.

Won't turn out well, my love.

Megan? Oh, God.

Sometimes I miss you so much.

I'm always with you, Sean.

Hey, Sean, screw this cancer bitch,
she's a dead lady.

You got a live one here all ready to go.

- She's not what you want.
- I don't know what I want anymore.

Here's what you want.
It's called Daddy's Little Helper.

From the tree of knowledge.
Knowledge is power, Sean.

And power is taking that bitch's ass.

Come on. That's right, that's my boy.

You can do it. Come on. Come on, bite it.

You're just afraid. Go home.

They all need you now.

I can't keep being
everything to everybody.

I can't take the pressure anymore.

Then bust a hard nut, Sean,
and relieve the pressure, man.

I don't want this. I'm not you.

Sean, yes, you are.

Is this what you want?
Is this who you want to be?

Sean, your baby's a freak.
Make her pay for what she did to you.

Make God pay for giving you a baby
with lobster hands.

I love my baby.

I love him no matter what.

Do you still love me, Sean?
Or do you blame me for Conor?

Is that why you're doing this?
To make me pay? To hurt me?

I don't wanna hurt you.

I love you.

I love you too, Sean.

No.

You're lovely, and I want you, but no.

I'm gonna go home now.

- Hello, sweetheart.
- Hello, darling.

Look who stopped by
to check your old man's balls.

I guess you told him
I wasn't feeling well, huh?

Is everything okay?

Just a small hematoma from the surgery.
Nothing to worry about.

What's up, honey?
You look like you had a long day.

- It's... It's been a hard one.
- Wasn't it?

We had
an emergency facial reconstruction.

Bad car crash.

Actually, the patient, I believe,
was a friend of your wife's.

You know, the very stylish-looking woman

that Liz met in the parking garage
a few weeks ago.

Maybe you just missed her.

Like I said, it's been a long day.

I'm going to take a shower.

Thanks for stopping by, Christian.
I'll see you tomorrow.

Actually, Michelle,
I'll be keeping you company all night.

Burt's asked me to stay for dinner.

Who's the mystery woman, Michelle?

Is she your lover?

Liz is a lonely woman
with a vivid imagination.

I'll see you at dinner.

Where, just so you know, I plan
on telling your husband, my other boss,

that I went through the records today

and realized we operated on a person
that didn't even exist.

A phantom patient, unbilled.

Burt would find that fascinating,
don't you think?

Christian, I'm not having an affair with her.

- Leave it alone.
- You talk or I will.

Lock the door.

Her name is James.
She runs a modeling agency.

And I'm indebted to her.

So indebted you agreed
to work on her little prot?g?e for free?

And you let her squeeze your tits.

So, what's real, Michelle?

Is it all lies? Did you go to medical school?

Yes, I did. And James paid for it.

In exchange for what?
A modeling contract?

- In a way.
- Give me a straight answer, God damn it!

I was an escort.

I did it for a year and a half.

And then I couldn't take it anymore

so I quit medical school
and then I quit working for her.

So when did you meet Burt?

Before or after you
quit sucking dick for lunch money?

After.

And you saw your out
and you married him.

But now James
wants a piece of the action. I get it.

I thought I'd made my final payment,

but now she won't let me go,
or let me forget where I came from.

She's a psychopath.

So you have a fatal attraction
for the good life.

Just like you do.

Please, please, don't tell Burt.

He doesn't deserve to be hurt.
He loves me.

I won't tell him your secret,
if you don't tell him mine.

What's your secret?

That I made love to his wife before dinner.

Should I be flattered, or worried?

It's beautiful.

It's just perfect.

Can you feed him, please? I am so tired.

- Julia...
- Please.

I can't.

That's an interesting word
you used to describe my work.

Perfect.

You don't say it out loud,

but sometimes you must think to yourself
that Conor is so imperfect.

It's not something I like to talk about.

You have a deformed child, Julia.

It's not gonna go away
just because you don't say it out loud.

Come on, sweetie.

I just can't help thinking
you can't feel all the loving, tender things

without feeling the painful things, too.

You can't have one without the other.

My mother told me once
that she wished she had aborted me.

Naturally, I was a pretty angry kid.

Not unlike your son.

We were at an abortion clinic, Sean and I.

Conor was a mistake.

We were separated at the time
and I guess we just got lonely.

I never knew what happened,
but you know,

we were sitting there and then
we just got up and left.

We never said it to each other,

but we knew that this baby
was our last hope of making it together.

God forgive me,
I should have gone through with it.

I wish I had.

You know, Sean can't handle it, either.

You know, he acts like he can,
but he feels the same way I do. I know it.

We blew it with our normal, healthy child,

what hope do we have
of doing right by this one?

Hey.

What did you do,
put some kind of magic spell on us?

I didn't do anything.

- Hi.
- Hey.

Can you believe it?

You do realize you're not supposed
to nurse if you're taking anti-depressants.

I filled the prescription,
but I didn't take it yet.

The mural's beautiful.

A perfect world, before the fall.

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