Nightingales (1990–…): Season 2, Episode 6 - King Lear II - full transcript

THEME MUSIC

Anybody there?

BOTH: # There's nobody here
but us chickens! #

He's coming!

Hello?

Hello?

What's going on?

BOTH: Surprise!

Well, it's your birthday, innit?
Oh! You remembered!

Remember? How would we
forget a thing like that?

LAUGHING



You enjoying it?

What?
Your birthday party, you know.

Oh. Yes. It's very nice.

Very nice!

There's no balloons.

BALLOON FIZZES

Thank you, Mr Bell.

It's all right.

Well...
Shhh!

A night to remember, eh?

Honestly, some people
are so ungrateful, aren't they?

I know, I know.
And all the trouble we went to,

switching off the light
and everything.

Ah, now, that's nice.



A card from Eric.

Eric remembered.

Eric?
Swan, Eric.

The lad who worked here once,
part-time, you remember?

He was a medical student.

Eric?

You know, the werewolf.

BOTH: Werewolf?!

Glasses, dark hair.

BOTH: Oh, Eric! Him, yeah, yeah.

He says he's thinking of
packing in medical school.

He was wondering if we had
any part-time work here.

You know, just until he gets
a proper job. What, Eric?

I've got nothing against Eric,
but you've got to admit, Sarge,

he does get a bit... boisterous.

Only when there's a full moon
though, eh?

Oh, I've got a lot
of time for Eric.

Fancy him remembering
my birthday, eh?

Look, look, look, we're all right
as we are. We don't need him, right?

Sorry, lad, I didn't realise
you'd been put in charge.

Look, Sarge,
all we're saying is...

Look, son, whenever
they make you sergeant,

that'll be time enough to start
telling me what to do, OK?

-Tutty-tutty-tut.
-Whoooooo!

How old are you now, Sarge,
exactly?

I've forgotten. How old are you?

Well, er...

I'm not 59.

The big 6-0, eh, Sarge?

60, eh? Really?

Well, you've done very well!
Yes, er...

What do you mean,
I've done very well?

In not dying yet.

You're a right pair
of villains, aren't you?

Come on, let's go walkabouts, eh?

Oooh!

Just a twinge, you know.

Oh, I dunno, perhaps I am
getting a bit old for the job.

The wife's always going on about
me taking early retirement.

If you retire, Sarge, they'll send
somebody else to do your job.

Somebody who might turn out to be
an even bigger pillock than you.

Thank you, lads, I'm deeply moved.
Now, come on!

In any case,

if I do retire, there's been
a change in company policy.

Apparently, the new idea is
to promote someone from within.

Where do they get
these newfangled ideas from?

I dunno. Japan probably.
Sorry, what did you say, Sarge?

What does mean exactly, Sarge?

Well, what it boils down to,
I suppose,

is if I retire,
one of you will get my job.

Joshing me about my age like that!

Villains!

Villains, you are!

One might almost say...

Shakespearian villains.

MENACING MUSIC

MENACING LAUGHTER

COUGHING
God!

God, it hurts your throat this,
doesn't it?

Good time of night
unto your royal grace.

How now, noble Carter?

# Were that I was
but a little tiny boy

# With a hey and a ho

# And the wind and the rain #

What, sir?

Shall I stab him as he sleeps?

Why, what a wasp-stung
and impatient fool thou art!

We must strike
when the time is right.

Then evil will fight
with him tonight!

Good cousin, be advised!
It may not be.

You do not counter well.

All right, we'll drown him
in a Malmsey butt then.

I've always wanted
to do that to somebody.

You stupid prat!

Sorry.

Farewell, kinsman.

I'll talk to you when you're
better tempered to attend.

Come, come, come, come,
pretty Bell.

Pretty Bell!

It may not be.

I wonder much being
a man of great..

leading as you are.

That you do not foresee
what great impediments

drive back our expedition.

All right...

All right then, big head,
what shall we do then?

We'll set forth upon a plan

in which the base contagious
clouds of moonstruck melancholy,

moping madness,

will effect
the Sarge's heated brains.

Then, with this vaulting madness
that doth o'leap itself...

the post of sergeant
will be thine or mine!

We'll make Sarge think
he's gone off his trolley

and one of us will get the job.

All right, yeah, yeah, yeah!

MENACING LAUGHTER

Evening, lads.

You're in early tonight.
Oh! Ah! You made it then!

You made it.
I'm saying, "He made it."

All right, Sarge, are you, eh?
All right, are you then?

Yes, I'm fine, yes.
Good, good.

Ooh, steady!
Steady!

He's got to be steady.
I say, he's just got to be steady.

He's telling me,
you've got to be steady, yeah.

He was just telling me,
you've got to be steady.

You're not as young
as you used to be!

I'm saying he's not as young...
BOTH: As he used to be.

Don't start that rubbish!

Nothing wrong with me.
Really?

No, of course there isn't.

Sarge, could I have
a new notebook, please?

Notebook. Certainly, lad.

What are these doing in here?

You can have the old one
back if you like, Sarge.

They're not notebooks,
they're bananas.

They're bananas!

Right, I think I'll just go and
have a look round, Sarge, OK?

Yes. You do that, Mr Bell.

What?

What's happened to your hat?

I'm wearing it.

You've been working
too hard, Sarge.

Maybe you're right.

Sarge, can I have
a new pen, Sarge?

Yes.

What do these do?
Oh, they're grapes.

I can't write with grapes now,
can I, Sarge?

No, grapes are a completely
unsatisfactory alternative

to the flow of
a well-filled ballpoint,

would you not agree, Sarge?

You know, I'm
beginning to think...

Perhaps you're right, lads, eh?
Perhaps you're right.

Maybe I am getting too old
for this job.

THUNDER RUMBLES

Oh, sir, you are old.

Nature in you stands on
the very verge of your confines.

You should be ruled and led
by some discretion

that discerns your state
better than yourself.

SARGE SOBS

Sign this!
Sign this!

Sign what? Eh, I'm not retiring!

No, no, no, you don't have to.
You delegate, you see, Sarge.

You need to delegate.
That's the root of your problem.

You need to put your workload
on younger shoulders.

It's a sort of contract
sort of thing.

It sort of states that
you will sort of hand over

everything to me and Ding-Dong.

Yeah, we sort of take over your
workload, your responsibilities,

and as an extra
added sort of bonus,

if you sign within the next
20 seconds, you get a sort of

two week holiday in Benidorm.

Minus flights and accommodation,
of course. Sort of.

Sort of, yeah.
What do you think, Sarge?

THUNDER RUMBLES
Oh!

Heavens, if you do love old men,
send down and take my power!

Stop kissing about!

BOTH: Sign it, sign it, sign it!
ALARM RINGS

BOTH: Sign it, sign it, sign it!
Eric!

BOTH: Eric?

It's Eric's first night tonight.

You didn't tell us.

Well... I don't tell you
everything, do I?

After all, I'm the one who's
in charge, aren't I, lads?

You were right.

We should have killed him.
Yeah.

THUNDER RUMBLES

HEART BEATING

Here he is!

WOLF HOWLING

Now, none of your werewolf jokes.
You know how touchy he gets.

Werewolf jokes! As if we
would make werewolf...

I say, I say, I say, Eric.
I used to be a werewolf...

But you're all right NOW!

All right, big head!

Eh, Eric, here's a good one.

Mummy, mummy, why does... Why
does everybody call me a werewolf?

Shut up and comb your face!

Tell him to stop it, Sarge!
Tell him to stop it!

Tell him to stop nabbing
all our jokes, Sarge!

After all, he's not a full-timer,
is he, Sarge?

He's only here part-time,
isn't he, Sarge?

Well, I don't know about that.
Eric and I have been talking.

And he's seriously considering
taking up a full-time career

in the security guard business.

You said you were going to be a
doctor.Well, I was. You tell him.

Eric's realised...

He's realised he can't stand
the sight of blood.

What?! Can't stand
the sight of blood?

What are you talking...
You're a sodding werewolf,

for Christ's sake!

Not any more. These stop it.

A midwife in Totnes invented them.

Mind you, I had to go private.
They cost a fortune, they do.

Do you, erm...

Do you miss being a, you know?
HOWLS

Well, I do a bit, to be honest.

Running naked through the fields
at night, chasing villagers.

Used to get quite
exciting at times. Grrr!

He's a lad, eh?

You know, I've been thinking over
what you said.

I think perhaps you're right.

Maybe I should start
delegating a bit more.

Handing over the reins a bit.
And that's not all.

I won't be around forever.
Yeah.

I should be looking round
for a successor.

Yeah, that's it, Sarge, delegate.

You can't beat a good bit of
delegation, that's what I say.

You got anybody in mind, Sarge?

Do you know,
I never had a son, Eric.

Is that right, Sarge?
Yeah.

Oh, we tried!
God knows, we tried!

But in the end
the wife's back gave out

and we had to call it a day.

You know, if we had been blessed,

I have a mind to think
he'd have looked like you.

Yes, now!

I'll have to have a serious think
about this delegation lark.

There's no need to rush,
is there, Sarge?

Think about it after
your birthday party.

After your birthday.
Well, I've had my birthday. No!

He's not just had his birthday!
You thought you had your birth...!

No, your birthday's
tomorrow night, you see.

The dates have changed, Yes,
it's due to the... the, erm...

The Equinox.

The Equinox. Right.
And it's due to the... the...

Gregorian calendar.

And the Gregorian calendar and...
and, erm...

My shed.

Ah! Yes, it's a mixture
of all those things, you see.

So the dates have changed, Sarge.
Your birthday's tomorrow night.

That'll be nice, won't it?
Just the three of us.

You, me and Ding-Dong, eh, Sarge?
What about Eric?

I'm not coming if Eric can't come.
Oh, all right, mate, he can come.

Satisfied? Yes. Well, I'll
just go and get your uniform.

A nice powder blue number.

I've been saving it
for someone special.

Look, er, I know
what you're thinking.

Do you?

I haven't bought him a present.
Oh!

Well, it's just that I'm a bit
short at the moment. Could you...

Eric, Eric, Eric.

It's all right.

You're among friends.

We'll buy you something
so you can give to the Sarge.

Yeah?
Yeah, yeah!

We'll buy you something
for the Sarge.

Oh, thank you. Grrr!

Grrr!

BOTH: Tablet!

WHIMSICAL MUSIC

# If you go down
in the woods today

# You're sure of a big surprise

# If you go down in the woods today

# You'd better go in disguise #

MUSIC STOPS
Aagh!

Aah!
It's not fair!

You knew he was nearest.

And you've let him win
pass the parcel! That's not fair!

Now, I'm completely arbitrary,
you know that.

Hasn't he got good bone structure,
though, eh?

Where did you get your
bone structure from, Eric, eh?

I go rock climbing at Easter.

Rock climbing, eh?

Imagine that, eh?
LAUGHS

And he carries himself
so well, doesn't he, eh?

Such nobility of bearing.

Are your parents
still alive, Eric?

Ah, so adoption's
out of the question then, eh?

Now, about this delegation.

There's no rush, is there?
You've not opened your presents!

Presents! Yeah!
Ah, presents, yes.

I know who'll have bought me
a nice present.

Taste, you see.

You have to born with it. Yes!

Sarge.

ALL: # Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday, dear Sarge!

# Happy birthday to you #

Well?

You don't like it, do you?

You don't like the colour?
It's the colour, isn't it?

No, the colour is perfect,
Mr Carter.

Well, go on then, Sarge,
try it out then.

Sarge, well, how's it feel?

Very snug.

Here you are, Sarge,
happy birthday! Oh!

Bows!

I can't look! I'll kill myself
if you doesn't like it.

He'll like it! Shut up! Calm down!

He'll like it, all right.

He might not like it as much
as he'll like Eric's present,

but he'll like it, OK?

Now... this is very nice.

Come on, Sarge, you know,
you needed cheering up.

You've been working hard lately,
with all this delegation business.

And what shall we receive
from Eric?

Oh, erm, I hope you like it, Sarge.

I know it's something
that you really need.

So young and so untender.

So young, My Lord, and true.

Let it be so!

Thy truth then be thy gower.

Oh, by the sacred radiance
of the sun,

the mysteries of Hecate
and the night,

here I disclaim
all my parental care.

Hold thee from hence. No!

No, my liege, no!

Come not between the dragon
and his wrath!

Oh, all right then.

I loved him most

and thought to set my rest
on his kind nursery.

Does that mean that
we'll be in charge then?

My liege.

Pre-eminence

and all the large effects
that troop with majesty.

Oh, come on!

All right, I bought the wrong
present. I'll take it back.

I'll get you a record token.

Thou art a boil, a plague sore,

an embossed carbuncle!

Well, I mean...

I can take a joke,
but that's going too far.

Farewell!

With washed eyes,
Eric leaves you.

I know what you are.

And I'm loathe to call your faults
as they are named.

Kiss off!
Kiss off!

Right, Sarge, come on, up you get.
Up you go, Sarge.

But it's my throne.
Yes, that was pre-delegation, see?

After the delegation,
there's people to see, Sarge.

But I'm the Shah.
Oh, I know!

CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY

You'll be all right, son, go on!

THUNDER RUMBLES

MENACING LAUGHTER

Take two now, bruv.

MENACING LAUGHTER

PHONE RINGS

Sarge, would you get...
It's the phone.

No, no, no, it's us.

No, we're in charge now,
Ding-Dong. Yes. Go on!

You answer it.
I will!

PHONE RINGS

Hello. Yep. Yeah.
What?

They want to know
our stationery order.

What shall I say?
Erm, well...

We want some paper, don't we?
Yeah, and we... And what...

No.
Say it, say it. Just say it.

Well, we could have pencils
and some paper. Brilliant!

That's brilliant!
Hello!

We'll have some pencils and some
paper, please, thank you. Yes!

That's it!

You were marvellous!
Thank you!

That's what responsibility's
all about, innit?

PHONE RINGS
Go on, you go. Right!

Yeah?

OK, yeah.

They want our timesheets.

This is how the Sarge
works out his timesheets.

Well, we'll get the hang of it,
won't we?

PHONE RINGS

Yes. What?

They want to know the atomic
weigh of plutonium.

PHONE RINGS

Hello, yeah. Yeah.

Born in 1888, he
was a French politician

and was the first Deputy Secretary
General of the League of Nations.

Who was he? I know that.
I know this! I know this!

PHONE RINGS

What? What?

What do we think
of global warming?

PHONE RINGS
Yes?

PHONE RINGS
Why do fools fall in love?

PHONE RINGS Where does
the monkey keep its nuts?

PHONE RINGS

Who invented fish?
What?

Eh? What's the colour of France?

PHONE RINGS

When is a door not a door?

How can you mend a broken heart?

Why don't camels drink soup?

How much is that doggy
in the window?

Give me a notebook!
Give me a notebook! Notebook!

PHONE RINGS

BOTH: Sarge!

Sarge! It's all right, Sarge!
Sarge!

You can come out wherever you are!
Sarge!

You seen the Sarge?
No.

Eric!d Eric!
Eric, mate! Eric!

I'm not talking to you.
Oh, now come on. Eric!

We were only having a bit of fun.
Which d'you mean?

I got the sack.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

No, that wasn't the sack.
The wasn't the real sack.

No, that was, er,
practise sack, see?

Look, you're the Sarge's
favourite, right?

He wants you to be in charge now.

Yeah, see? So, you are
in charge, Eric, right? OK?

Right, that's got that out
the way then, right?

No, no, no, I'm not doing it.
I'm going back to medical school.

The thing is, Eric...
you've got to be in charge.

Yeah, you don't have
any choice in the matter.

Stop it. Don't be beastly.

Look, you're not cut out to be
a medical student, are you, Eric?

No.
I could always give it another go.

What?! They won't let
a werewolf be a surgeon.

Biting lumps out of the patients!

Eric, please!
Yes, it wouldn't be allowed.

Oops! No. No, no, no.

That, er...

That, er... Grrr!

...wasn't very clever, was it?

No, that was particularly stupid,
actually, Ding-Dong.

Eric, it wouldn't be a full moon
by any chance tonight, would it?

Eric, Eric, very nice but
we have to go now, all right?

We won't stop, Eric, OK?
Fight it, Eric, fight it.

Try and think of something else.
But you see, er...

I don't want to fight it.
Just try counting sheep.

But I don't want to count sheep!

I want to eat sheep!

Oh, it's gonna be a good one,
I can feel it.

GROWLS

SNARLING

THEY SCREAM: Saaarge!

BIG SIGH

What a mess, eh?

Oh, young Eric's got quite
a temper when he's roused, yeah.

Course, muggings here got landed
with the job of cleaning up.

One of the burdens of
responsibility, I suppose, yeah.

Well, I had to take my old job
back, didn't I?

And Eric? Well,
oh, he's calmed down.

Yes, I made him a nice cup of tea.

Plenty of sugar.

Just what's needed for
any kind of emotional upheaval.

Don't you think? Yes, well...

That's about it from
our neck of the woods.

Oh, you're probably wondering
about Mr Carter and Mr Bell.

Oh, they're all right. Nothing that
won't heal up in a day or two.

As a matter of fact, young Eric

is going to sew up their wounds
in a minute.

Nice touch that, don't you think?

Him being a medical student
and all.

Yes, I thought so.

CARTER SCREAMS

Evening, all.