Nightingales (1990–…): Season 2, Episode 7 - Someone to Watch Over Me - full transcript
A new CCTV system seems to spell the end for our protagonists.
THEME MUSIC
BOTH: Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh!
Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh!
Eh, it's come! Eh!
Eh! It's here!
BOTH: Eh! Eh! Eh!
BOTH: Eh! Eh! Eh!
Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh!
BOTH PANTING
Hey, look, there's the Sarge!
Shh! Be quiet.
He can't hear us. Course he can.
What do you think that's for?
Old man!
BELL AND CARTER LAUGHING
Old man!
'Who's that?'
Look at his face.
Your time has come, old man.
It's time to go, old man.
'Time to go? Now, stop that!'
We shouldn't do this.
It's not fair.
He could have a heart attack.
We could kill him.
That means that... Yeah, we'd be
put in charge then, doesn't it?
BOTH: Old man!
'Ah!'
LAUGHS
'So it's come in, yeah.
Very funny, gentlemen!'
Here, can he see us?
Course he can't. Why?
Here, Sarge, I just want to say
that I've always admired you.
You know, I think you're
really great, actually.
Brilliant! And me, I think you're
really great as well, Sarge.
'Really?'
BOTH: Yeah!
'Right!
Making gestures like that.
That's a night's wages
docked from the pair of you.'
What you talking about?
You can't see us!
'Oh, yes, I can.
There's a little TV screen
right next to the camera here.
I can see every move you make.
Now, stop mucking about
with that stuff
and get on with tidying up
the staff room.'
BOTH: Yeah, yeah!
BOTH: Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh!
Oh!
What? What is it?
Nah, it don't matter.
No, go on, what?
Nah, it's... I...
Well, you know, I've always
dreamed of this moment, Ding-Dong.
I've, you know... And I've always
imagined like in my head
what I'd do when we had it.
What?
Like, silly really.
Go on, there's only me here.
It don't matter. Yeah?
Yeah.
OK. What?
Yeah.
# Ground control to Major Tom
# Ground control to Major Tom #
CHUCKLES
Aren't you going to do that bit
about taking his protein pills
and put his helmet on?
No, I don't think so.
What about you? Do you
want to do something? What?
No, I couldn't.
Go on. I showed you mine.
Oh, all right then.
Here, can you see inside
the women's bogs from on here?
Why? Well, we could have
a look at them, couldn't we?
We could watch them changing
their bras and things!
That's typical of you. The company
haven't gone to the trouble
of installing 50 grand's worth
of high technology equipment
so that you can cop an eyeful
of some poor unsuspecting female
rearranging her bloody underwear
in the lavatories.
Besides, there aren't any,
are there?
By the time we get here,
they've all gone home.
I'm sorry. Forget I mentioned it.
I suppose, actually... What?
We could rent some.
Yeah, we could have whip round!
We could rent one great big woman!
Or two medium-sized ones.
That would mean there'd be two
bras then, wouldn't there? Eh!
Eh!
Eh! Eh-up!
CARTER WHISTLES, BELL SINGS
Anybody there?
BOTH: # There's nobody here
but us chickens! #
Eh, Sarge.
Eh, Sarge.
Eh, Sarge.
Look, Sarge.
You can see the whole
of the building.
The complete entire building
in its entirety.
The whole entirety
of the complete building
in its complete totalness,
eh, Sarge?
Yes, very nice.
Very nice?
SCOFFS
I dreamed of this moment.
What's the matter with you?
Yeah, come and have
a look at it, Sarge.
Not just now.
Oh, I get it!
You're afraid of it,
aren't you? Yes.
You've never been very good
with state-of-the-art stuff,
have you, Sarge?
This high technology, no.
I am not afraid of the technology.
Sarge, could we hire
a great big woman, then, Sarge?
No.
Why not?
Because you're not going to spy
on the ladies' toilets.
What's the point of this lot if
you can't get any fun out of it?
Might as well get rid of it,
then, eh? Yeah.
All right, if you say so.
What are you doing?
Look, come on, lads.
How many times over the years
have we got what we asked for?
How many times
have we asked for it?
Eight hundred and 27.
Yes, exactly.
And how many times have
we got what we asked for?
Not once.
So how come now, after all
those years, we've got this lot?
Well, it's obvious, isn't it?
I mean, it's a reward.
It's a reward for all the years
of hard service.
It's a bonus... All right, why?
I don't know, do I?
You're thinking about it too much.
Now, just calm down.
I've been here before, you know.
It was in the army.
During the war.
Treated like shite, we are.
Then, all of a sudden,
they started being nice to us.
Giving us extra rations,
a long lie-in in the mornings.
Oh, we thought we had it made.
Just like you lads do.
And then we got our orders.
A monastery at a little place
called Monte Casino.
That's what happened.
We'd been picked
as a suicide squad.
Two hundred of us
went up that mountain.
Only nine of us came back down.
Those monks couldn't half fight.
Never engage in hand-to-hand
combat with a man of the cloth.
We paid a terrible price.
Don't you see?
This is just the same.
They don't give us anything
unless they want something.
Read this.
Oh, my God, that's terrible.
Yeah. Three months,
is that all he got? Who?
The bloke who forgot his trunks
in the swimming baths.
No, no. No, no, no. Look,
it's this I'm talking about.
The company's making redundancies.
20,000 have got to be laid off.
20,000! Well, they couldn't...
They can't do that.
They can't get rid of us,
can they? We've been here years.
I mean, it'd cost them money
to sack all... Yeah.
They wouldn't do that.
Oh, no, they wouldn't.
Well, how else are they going
to get rid of us then? Yeah?
Eh, there's a great big cake here!
And a card.
Look, there's a card. Oh, lovely.
What does that say, Sarge?
It says,
"Thank you and good night."
There you are, you see,
that's what I'm on about.
They mean to get rid of us.
BOTH: Eh!
It's a thank you card.
You see, they're thanking us
for all our years of hard service.
Yeah, it says,
"Thank you and good night." Oh!
Well, we work at night. What's it
going to say, "Good morning"?
CARTER CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY
You going to have some, Sarge?
No? Well, suit yourself.
Why not?
Well, you don't know
what's in it, do you?
Oh, for God's sake!
What, it's poisoned, is it?
Poisoned! Rubbish!
After three. One, two, three.
Why didn't you eat it?
Why didn't you? Ah...
Oh, for God's sake! They're not
going to try and kill us.
Are they?
I was thinking. Whatever happened
to that pet mouse of yours?
Jimmy! Oh! Oh, he's here, yes.
Why?
No, you're flipping not!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
We just want to take a little
look at him, don't we?
BOTH: Ah!
Look at him! Ah, look.
You are a soppy little devil.
Making three-piece suit for him.
Well, winter's coming on.
He gets cold.
He gets cold!
Cos he does, yes.
Soppy little devil!
Look, Sarge, I couldn't help
but noticing that the, erm...
the waistcoat is of a contrasting
material to the, er,
to the trousers and the jacket.
How did a phenomenon
like that come about?
Yeah, well, you see, now...
I found a little piece
of corduroy, you see.
Corduroy, is that right?
Kind of very inventive, that.
I rather like...
Oh, come on now! That's not fair!
Oh, shut up! Anyway, he looks
ridiculous dressed up like that.
Flared trousers
went out years ago.
I'm just taking precautions.
He'll be all right.
Won't he, Ding-Dong?
Yeah, of course. Yeah, he's...
Look, he's eaten a bit already.
He' fine, he's fine.
He's dead happy. Look, look!
He's doing a little dance.
He's hopping about
like a mad thing.
Oh, look, look, look!
He's having a little lie down now.
Oh, look, he's tired.
He's fast asleep.
PHONE RINGS
COUGHS
Phone!
Hello?
Who's speaking?
Some woman.
She wants to know why
we haven't eaten the cake yet.
Which woman?!
What does she wanna know that for?
Tell her to mind her own business.
And how does she know
we hadn't eaten the cake? Yeah?
I was just thinking,
what a great company
this is to work for.
And me, I was going say
that as well. And me.
That's exactly what I was gonna
say. I was... No, it's not!
This is a crap company!
He said that, not us.
Come on, for Christ's sake!
They tried to kill us.
What are we, men or gerbils?
Come on, stick together.
What can they do?
Yeah, that's right.
Well said, Mr Carter!
Go on, watch us!
Go on, what do we care?
OK, so they do want
to get rid of us.
They've still got to find
somebody else to look after
this poxy building at night,
haven't they?
And where are you going to get
three other stupid idiots
to do this stupid job, eh?
That's right!
Didn't think of that, did you?
SUPENSEFUL MUSIC
Throw some cold water over him.
'Good idea.
I'll throw some
cold water over him.'
Who said that? Here!
He was talking to me!
'Who said that?'
I did!
'What's your name?'
Why should I tell you?
What's yours?
'I'll say it if you say it.'
All right. After three.
BOTH: One, two, three.
Carter!
'I don't know what I'm
gonna do with you, lads.
'Mr Bell.'
SLAPPING
'Mr Bell!'
What?
I didn't say anything.
Are you all right, Mr Bell?
'What, Sarge?'
Now, hang on a minute.
I'm the Sarge around here.
'Oh, yeah? And what do you think
these are then?'
What we gonna do, Sarge?
'I don't know, lads.'
Look, what are you doing here?
Well?
'Oh, sorry, were you
talking to us?'
Of course I was talking to you.
Look, we know what
we're doing here, OK?
So, what are you doing here?
'We're doing our new job.
What do you think?'
'Yeah, we've been moved.
The company said we were
to start here tonight.'
You mean, you mean this company?
This one? The same as our company?
'Yeah, that's it.'
Look, there's obviously been
some mistake, eh? I mean...
all right, say you three were
supposed to start tonight.
Well, there's no need, is there?
I mean, we're still here.
'They said you'd be
leaving tonight.'
Oh, they did, did they?
And they, er,
they didn't happen to say where
it was we meant to be going?
'Toy Town.'
Toy Town? But that's miles away.
We're not going anywhere.
We're staying here.
And we're not going to Toy Town!
'You can't stay here forever.'
Look, lads...
I need a talk.
'Where are you going?'
Mind your own business!
What? What is it?
I need to go. Oh!
I need to go really bad.
What?
The lavy. I need to go.
Why don't you just tie a knot
in it? All right, leave it to me.
'What were you talking about?'
Mind your own business!
Erm...
Have you seen that painting
behind you, boys? Look.
Look, there, look. Yeah, there.
It's ever so good.
Go on, have a look.
Yeah! All we need to do
is go from here to here, right?
If we're quick,
they won't notice we've gone.
Hurry up then, cos I want to go
as well now. Yes, I do as well.
SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC
'Hello?
Anybody there?'
ALL URINATING
BOTH: Eh! Eh!
Eh! Eh!
'Hello!'
TOILETS FLUSHING
TIDAL WAVE CRASHES
He wanted to go, didn't he?
Yeah.
SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC
'There they are!'
Kiss off!
'No, you kiss off!'
Look, you can't win,
so why don't you just go home?
Yeah, bug off!
ALL SIGH
ALL: Oh, no!
Look, go back to where
you came from, OK?
Look, we're up here. You can't
win. We can see everything.
'Here, can you see
in the women's toilets?'
No! It doesn't matter.
Just go home.
Please, go back to where you came
from. What do you say, eh, lads?
ALL: 'No!'
'We'll get our chance,
don't worry.
If your Sarge is anything like me,
he'll be wanting to go
again in a minute.'
He's right, you know.
'It's your prostate, Sarge.
You should have the operation.'
Yes, thank you!
Thank you, Dr Kildare.
Yes, that's lovely. Come on.
Look, I've been thinking.
We've got to do something.
Now, I suggest that we...
Kill them. Yeah, good idea.
Good idea, yeah.
What?!
Kill them, that's what
you were gonna say. No, no.
I was going to suggest that we
write to our MP or something.
Fair enough. No, we're kill 'em.
Save a stamp, you know.
What are we gonna kill them with?
Here?
Whatever happened to those fencing
swords we used to have, Sarge?
ALL: It's all for one and one
for all. One, two, three.
Come on.
Hey, just a minute.
What about a password
in case we get split up?
What do you need a password for?!
No, I was just thinking,
if we got split up,
we wouldn't know
if we met one of them.
How could we tell?
Right, I've been thinking, we're
gonna need a password, right?
OK, it's got to be simple,
sharp, to the point.
Something like "why do fish..."
"Swim backwards..."
"In a north-easterly direction..."
"At Whitsun".
OK, got it? Off we go.
What about the reply? Reply?
What are you talking about?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's just...
Well, if there isn't a reply,
it doesn't matter
what the password is.
It doesn't make sense.
I've been thinking, we're gonna
need a reply to the password.
OK? So I'm gonna say the password
and we will all say
the first thing that comes
into our heads, OK?
And we'll pick the best one,
right? Yeah.
"Why do fish swim backwards
in a north-easterly direction
at Whitsun?"
BOTH: Stephen Philpott.
Got to be fake.
'All set, lads?'
Why do fish fly backwards?
I don't know.
Why do fish swim backwards
in a north...
Sarge?
"Why do fish swim backwards
in a north-easterly direction
at Whitsun?"
It begins with "S".
What?
Sheet!
Sarge, I'm gonna need your help!
Yes?
Sarge!
Ah-ah!
Aah! The time has come, old man!
Has it?
Yes.
Ooh!
Ooh! That is out of order.
Ooh!
Now that is cheating.
That old wretched
rashed duty fool!
Sorry, lad, it was the only way.
Did it hurt?
When they ask,
I like to wear leather shorts.
Good night, sweet prince.
And flights of angels
sing thee to thy rest.
Sarge!
Yes. Sarge!
I beat them off all on my own!
Here, I'm forgetting...
Why do fish swim backwards
in a north-easterly direction
at Whitsun?
It's all right, lad.
Forget that. I know who you are.
How?
Well, I've just killed you.
The other you, I mean.
But you could be lying.
How do I know that?
I mean, you know, come on,
play it properly. What is it?
Stephen Philpott.
Oh, thank God for that.
Here, Sarge,
this other Carter,
did he have any dying words then?
He said he'd like to wear
leather shorts.
Well, that's not a crime, is it?
I mean, if you've got nice legs,
they can look very fetching.
Depends on how they're cut really.
Mr Bell?
Ding-Dong!
BOTH PANTING
Why do fish backwards swim
in a north-easterly direct
at Whitsun.
It begins with an "S".
Who told you that?
Carter!
What, your Carter or my Carter?
Yours.
Oh, that's just great, innit?
Wait till I see him.
Oi, oi! Three against one.
That's not fair!
SWORDS CLASHING
Ooh!
BELL GROANS
Remember to look after my shed.
That... That's just what I
would have said, that.
Two down, one to go. Come on.
Poor lad.
Poor old Sarge.
Gah!
# Oh, Danny boy!
The pipes, the pipes... #
Crying shame, so it is.
Right, let's get him.
Not when he's on the lavy.
Oh, shut it!
SINGING CONTINUES, BANGING
Ooh! Oooooh!
What a way to go, eh?
CARTER LAUGHS
We won! Eh, lads?
It's all for one and one for all.
One, two, three.
Shut up, you stupid salt.
You nearly had my eye out.
Eh, eh, eh!
Don't fight among ourselves.
That's how we won
by sticking together.
I can't believe this. We took
everything they threw at us
and we still won!
Mind you,
they put up a good fight.
Yeah, but that's because we stuck
together for the first time.
Don't you realise,
you stuck together.
We didn't fight among ourselves.
But we did though, didn't we?
What?
You know, fight amongst ourselves.
No, no, no. No, that's
fighting with ourselves.
I mean, that's not the same
as fighting amongst ourselves.
It's different, you know.
Oh, what a victory for the little
man , eh? I feel so keyed up.
I could climb mountains,
I could build bridges.
Forge streams.
Smash down walls.
Yeah, what shall we do now?
Shall we eat our sandwiches?
Good idea.
Oh, my God, look at that.
Oh, that is horrible.
I've got my eyes open.
Sightless eyes staring out
into the void,
into the eternal nothingness.
Oh, poor soul. I can't stand this.
I'm going to have to
close my eyes.
Nice thought, Mr Carter.
Yeah.
I can check my wallet, you know.
Might have a few quid in there.
Anybody there?
There's a blanket
in here somewhere.
Here are, throw this over him.
Eh? We won. Eh, lads?
Yep.
Yep.
Er, chickens.
You didn't do the chickens.
Chickens? Yeah.
Er, you know, when someone comes
in and goes, "Anybody there?"
We go, "Nobody here
but us chickens."
You didn't do it.
Why would we do that?
Actually, I don't know why.
It's just that we
always have, ain't we?
# There's no body here
but us chickens! #
When we're...
You're bloody cracked, you are.
You're probably a bit feverish
in all the excitement, Mr Carter.
Come and sit down
for five minutes.
Have a game of cards.
COINS CLATTER
Oh, my God!
That was going so well.
Well...
we won.
Yeah, we won.
Eh? Yeah, yeah.
We, er... We won.
You're light.
Fancy a piece of cake?
Aye, I will.
BOTH: Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh!
Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh!
Eh, it's come! Eh!
Eh! It's here!
BOTH: Eh! Eh! Eh!
BOTH: Eh! Eh! Eh!
Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh!
BOTH PANTING
Hey, look, there's the Sarge!
Shh! Be quiet.
He can't hear us. Course he can.
What do you think that's for?
Old man!
BELL AND CARTER LAUGHING
Old man!
'Who's that?'
Look at his face.
Your time has come, old man.
It's time to go, old man.
'Time to go? Now, stop that!'
We shouldn't do this.
It's not fair.
He could have a heart attack.
We could kill him.
That means that... Yeah, we'd be
put in charge then, doesn't it?
BOTH: Old man!
'Ah!'
LAUGHS
'So it's come in, yeah.
Very funny, gentlemen!'
Here, can he see us?
Course he can't. Why?
Here, Sarge, I just want to say
that I've always admired you.
You know, I think you're
really great, actually.
Brilliant! And me, I think you're
really great as well, Sarge.
'Really?'
BOTH: Yeah!
'Right!
Making gestures like that.
That's a night's wages
docked from the pair of you.'
What you talking about?
You can't see us!
'Oh, yes, I can.
There's a little TV screen
right next to the camera here.
I can see every move you make.
Now, stop mucking about
with that stuff
and get on with tidying up
the staff room.'
BOTH: Yeah, yeah!
BOTH: Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh!
Oh!
What? What is it?
Nah, it don't matter.
No, go on, what?
Nah, it's... I...
Well, you know, I've always
dreamed of this moment, Ding-Dong.
I've, you know... And I've always
imagined like in my head
what I'd do when we had it.
What?
Like, silly really.
Go on, there's only me here.
It don't matter. Yeah?
Yeah.
OK. What?
Yeah.
# Ground control to Major Tom
# Ground control to Major Tom #
CHUCKLES
Aren't you going to do that bit
about taking his protein pills
and put his helmet on?
No, I don't think so.
What about you? Do you
want to do something? What?
No, I couldn't.
Go on. I showed you mine.
Oh, all right then.
Here, can you see inside
the women's bogs from on here?
Why? Well, we could have
a look at them, couldn't we?
We could watch them changing
their bras and things!
That's typical of you. The company
haven't gone to the trouble
of installing 50 grand's worth
of high technology equipment
so that you can cop an eyeful
of some poor unsuspecting female
rearranging her bloody underwear
in the lavatories.
Besides, there aren't any,
are there?
By the time we get here,
they've all gone home.
I'm sorry. Forget I mentioned it.
I suppose, actually... What?
We could rent some.
Yeah, we could have whip round!
We could rent one great big woman!
Or two medium-sized ones.
That would mean there'd be two
bras then, wouldn't there? Eh!
Eh!
Eh! Eh-up!
CARTER WHISTLES, BELL SINGS
Anybody there?
BOTH: # There's nobody here
but us chickens! #
Eh, Sarge.
Eh, Sarge.
Eh, Sarge.
Look, Sarge.
You can see the whole
of the building.
The complete entire building
in its entirety.
The whole entirety
of the complete building
in its complete totalness,
eh, Sarge?
Yes, very nice.
Very nice?
SCOFFS
I dreamed of this moment.
What's the matter with you?
Yeah, come and have
a look at it, Sarge.
Not just now.
Oh, I get it!
You're afraid of it,
aren't you? Yes.
You've never been very good
with state-of-the-art stuff,
have you, Sarge?
This high technology, no.
I am not afraid of the technology.
Sarge, could we hire
a great big woman, then, Sarge?
No.
Why not?
Because you're not going to spy
on the ladies' toilets.
What's the point of this lot if
you can't get any fun out of it?
Might as well get rid of it,
then, eh? Yeah.
All right, if you say so.
What are you doing?
Look, come on, lads.
How many times over the years
have we got what we asked for?
How many times
have we asked for it?
Eight hundred and 27.
Yes, exactly.
And how many times have
we got what we asked for?
Not once.
So how come now, after all
those years, we've got this lot?
Well, it's obvious, isn't it?
I mean, it's a reward.
It's a reward for all the years
of hard service.
It's a bonus... All right, why?
I don't know, do I?
You're thinking about it too much.
Now, just calm down.
I've been here before, you know.
It was in the army.
During the war.
Treated like shite, we are.
Then, all of a sudden,
they started being nice to us.
Giving us extra rations,
a long lie-in in the mornings.
Oh, we thought we had it made.
Just like you lads do.
And then we got our orders.
A monastery at a little place
called Monte Casino.
That's what happened.
We'd been picked
as a suicide squad.
Two hundred of us
went up that mountain.
Only nine of us came back down.
Those monks couldn't half fight.
Never engage in hand-to-hand
combat with a man of the cloth.
We paid a terrible price.
Don't you see?
This is just the same.
They don't give us anything
unless they want something.
Read this.
Oh, my God, that's terrible.
Yeah. Three months,
is that all he got? Who?
The bloke who forgot his trunks
in the swimming baths.
No, no. No, no, no. Look,
it's this I'm talking about.
The company's making redundancies.
20,000 have got to be laid off.
20,000! Well, they couldn't...
They can't do that.
They can't get rid of us,
can they? We've been here years.
I mean, it'd cost them money
to sack all... Yeah.
They wouldn't do that.
Oh, no, they wouldn't.
Well, how else are they going
to get rid of us then? Yeah?
Eh, there's a great big cake here!
And a card.
Look, there's a card. Oh, lovely.
What does that say, Sarge?
It says,
"Thank you and good night."
There you are, you see,
that's what I'm on about.
They mean to get rid of us.
BOTH: Eh!
It's a thank you card.
You see, they're thanking us
for all our years of hard service.
Yeah, it says,
"Thank you and good night." Oh!
Well, we work at night. What's it
going to say, "Good morning"?
CARTER CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY
You going to have some, Sarge?
No? Well, suit yourself.
Why not?
Well, you don't know
what's in it, do you?
Oh, for God's sake!
What, it's poisoned, is it?
Poisoned! Rubbish!
After three. One, two, three.
Why didn't you eat it?
Why didn't you? Ah...
Oh, for God's sake! They're not
going to try and kill us.
Are they?
I was thinking. Whatever happened
to that pet mouse of yours?
Jimmy! Oh! Oh, he's here, yes.
Why?
No, you're flipping not!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
We just want to take a little
look at him, don't we?
BOTH: Ah!
Look at him! Ah, look.
You are a soppy little devil.
Making three-piece suit for him.
Well, winter's coming on.
He gets cold.
He gets cold!
Cos he does, yes.
Soppy little devil!
Look, Sarge, I couldn't help
but noticing that the, erm...
the waistcoat is of a contrasting
material to the, er,
to the trousers and the jacket.
How did a phenomenon
like that come about?
Yeah, well, you see, now...
I found a little piece
of corduroy, you see.
Corduroy, is that right?
Kind of very inventive, that.
I rather like...
Oh, come on now! That's not fair!
Oh, shut up! Anyway, he looks
ridiculous dressed up like that.
Flared trousers
went out years ago.
I'm just taking precautions.
He'll be all right.
Won't he, Ding-Dong?
Yeah, of course. Yeah, he's...
Look, he's eaten a bit already.
He' fine, he's fine.
He's dead happy. Look, look!
He's doing a little dance.
He's hopping about
like a mad thing.
Oh, look, look, look!
He's having a little lie down now.
Oh, look, he's tired.
He's fast asleep.
PHONE RINGS
COUGHS
Phone!
Hello?
Who's speaking?
Some woman.
She wants to know why
we haven't eaten the cake yet.
Which woman?!
What does she wanna know that for?
Tell her to mind her own business.
And how does she know
we hadn't eaten the cake? Yeah?
I was just thinking,
what a great company
this is to work for.
And me, I was going say
that as well. And me.
That's exactly what I was gonna
say. I was... No, it's not!
This is a crap company!
He said that, not us.
Come on, for Christ's sake!
They tried to kill us.
What are we, men or gerbils?
Come on, stick together.
What can they do?
Yeah, that's right.
Well said, Mr Carter!
Go on, watch us!
Go on, what do we care?
OK, so they do want
to get rid of us.
They've still got to find
somebody else to look after
this poxy building at night,
haven't they?
And where are you going to get
three other stupid idiots
to do this stupid job, eh?
That's right!
Didn't think of that, did you?
SUPENSEFUL MUSIC
Throw some cold water over him.
'Good idea.
I'll throw some
cold water over him.'
Who said that? Here!
He was talking to me!
'Who said that?'
I did!
'What's your name?'
Why should I tell you?
What's yours?
'I'll say it if you say it.'
All right. After three.
BOTH: One, two, three.
Carter!
'I don't know what I'm
gonna do with you, lads.
'Mr Bell.'
SLAPPING
'Mr Bell!'
What?
I didn't say anything.
Are you all right, Mr Bell?
'What, Sarge?'
Now, hang on a minute.
I'm the Sarge around here.
'Oh, yeah? And what do you think
these are then?'
What we gonna do, Sarge?
'I don't know, lads.'
Look, what are you doing here?
Well?
'Oh, sorry, were you
talking to us?'
Of course I was talking to you.
Look, we know what
we're doing here, OK?
So, what are you doing here?
'We're doing our new job.
What do you think?'
'Yeah, we've been moved.
The company said we were
to start here tonight.'
You mean, you mean this company?
This one? The same as our company?
'Yeah, that's it.'
Look, there's obviously been
some mistake, eh? I mean...
all right, say you three were
supposed to start tonight.
Well, there's no need, is there?
I mean, we're still here.
'They said you'd be
leaving tonight.'
Oh, they did, did they?
And they, er,
they didn't happen to say where
it was we meant to be going?
'Toy Town.'
Toy Town? But that's miles away.
We're not going anywhere.
We're staying here.
And we're not going to Toy Town!
'You can't stay here forever.'
Look, lads...
I need a talk.
'Where are you going?'
Mind your own business!
What? What is it?
I need to go. Oh!
I need to go really bad.
What?
The lavy. I need to go.
Why don't you just tie a knot
in it? All right, leave it to me.
'What were you talking about?'
Mind your own business!
Erm...
Have you seen that painting
behind you, boys? Look.
Look, there, look. Yeah, there.
It's ever so good.
Go on, have a look.
Yeah! All we need to do
is go from here to here, right?
If we're quick,
they won't notice we've gone.
Hurry up then, cos I want to go
as well now. Yes, I do as well.
SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC
'Hello?
Anybody there?'
ALL URINATING
BOTH: Eh! Eh!
Eh! Eh!
'Hello!'
TOILETS FLUSHING
TIDAL WAVE CRASHES
He wanted to go, didn't he?
Yeah.
SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC
'There they are!'
Kiss off!
'No, you kiss off!'
Look, you can't win,
so why don't you just go home?
Yeah, bug off!
ALL SIGH
ALL: Oh, no!
Look, go back to where
you came from, OK?
Look, we're up here. You can't
win. We can see everything.
'Here, can you see
in the women's toilets?'
No! It doesn't matter.
Just go home.
Please, go back to where you came
from. What do you say, eh, lads?
ALL: 'No!'
'We'll get our chance,
don't worry.
If your Sarge is anything like me,
he'll be wanting to go
again in a minute.'
He's right, you know.
'It's your prostate, Sarge.
You should have the operation.'
Yes, thank you!
Thank you, Dr Kildare.
Yes, that's lovely. Come on.
Look, I've been thinking.
We've got to do something.
Now, I suggest that we...
Kill them. Yeah, good idea.
Good idea, yeah.
What?!
Kill them, that's what
you were gonna say. No, no.
I was going to suggest that we
write to our MP or something.
Fair enough. No, we're kill 'em.
Save a stamp, you know.
What are we gonna kill them with?
Here?
Whatever happened to those fencing
swords we used to have, Sarge?
ALL: It's all for one and one
for all. One, two, three.
Come on.
Hey, just a minute.
What about a password
in case we get split up?
What do you need a password for?!
No, I was just thinking,
if we got split up,
we wouldn't know
if we met one of them.
How could we tell?
Right, I've been thinking, we're
gonna need a password, right?
OK, it's got to be simple,
sharp, to the point.
Something like "why do fish..."
"Swim backwards..."
"In a north-easterly direction..."
"At Whitsun".
OK, got it? Off we go.
What about the reply? Reply?
What are you talking about?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's just...
Well, if there isn't a reply,
it doesn't matter
what the password is.
It doesn't make sense.
I've been thinking, we're gonna
need a reply to the password.
OK? So I'm gonna say the password
and we will all say
the first thing that comes
into our heads, OK?
And we'll pick the best one,
right? Yeah.
"Why do fish swim backwards
in a north-easterly direction
at Whitsun?"
BOTH: Stephen Philpott.
Got to be fake.
'All set, lads?'
Why do fish fly backwards?
I don't know.
Why do fish swim backwards
in a north...
Sarge?
"Why do fish swim backwards
in a north-easterly direction
at Whitsun?"
It begins with "S".
What?
Sheet!
Sarge, I'm gonna need your help!
Yes?
Sarge!
Ah-ah!
Aah! The time has come, old man!
Has it?
Yes.
Ooh!
Ooh! That is out of order.
Ooh!
Now that is cheating.
That old wretched
rashed duty fool!
Sorry, lad, it was the only way.
Did it hurt?
When they ask,
I like to wear leather shorts.
Good night, sweet prince.
And flights of angels
sing thee to thy rest.
Sarge!
Yes. Sarge!
I beat them off all on my own!
Here, I'm forgetting...
Why do fish swim backwards
in a north-easterly direction
at Whitsun?
It's all right, lad.
Forget that. I know who you are.
How?
Well, I've just killed you.
The other you, I mean.
But you could be lying.
How do I know that?
I mean, you know, come on,
play it properly. What is it?
Stephen Philpott.
Oh, thank God for that.
Here, Sarge,
this other Carter,
did he have any dying words then?
He said he'd like to wear
leather shorts.
Well, that's not a crime, is it?
I mean, if you've got nice legs,
they can look very fetching.
Depends on how they're cut really.
Mr Bell?
Ding-Dong!
BOTH PANTING
Why do fish backwards swim
in a north-easterly direct
at Whitsun.
It begins with an "S".
Who told you that?
Carter!
What, your Carter or my Carter?
Yours.
Oh, that's just great, innit?
Wait till I see him.
Oi, oi! Three against one.
That's not fair!
SWORDS CLASHING
Ooh!
BELL GROANS
Remember to look after my shed.
That... That's just what I
would have said, that.
Two down, one to go. Come on.
Poor lad.
Poor old Sarge.
Gah!
# Oh, Danny boy!
The pipes, the pipes... #
Crying shame, so it is.
Right, let's get him.
Not when he's on the lavy.
Oh, shut it!
SINGING CONTINUES, BANGING
Ooh! Oooooh!
What a way to go, eh?
CARTER LAUGHS
We won! Eh, lads?
It's all for one and one for all.
One, two, three.
Shut up, you stupid salt.
You nearly had my eye out.
Eh, eh, eh!
Don't fight among ourselves.
That's how we won
by sticking together.
I can't believe this. We took
everything they threw at us
and we still won!
Mind you,
they put up a good fight.
Yeah, but that's because we stuck
together for the first time.
Don't you realise,
you stuck together.
We didn't fight among ourselves.
But we did though, didn't we?
What?
You know, fight amongst ourselves.
No, no, no. No, that's
fighting with ourselves.
I mean, that's not the same
as fighting amongst ourselves.
It's different, you know.
Oh, what a victory for the little
man , eh? I feel so keyed up.
I could climb mountains,
I could build bridges.
Forge streams.
Smash down walls.
Yeah, what shall we do now?
Shall we eat our sandwiches?
Good idea.
Oh, my God, look at that.
Oh, that is horrible.
I've got my eyes open.
Sightless eyes staring out
into the void,
into the eternal nothingness.
Oh, poor soul. I can't stand this.
I'm going to have to
close my eyes.
Nice thought, Mr Carter.
Yeah.
I can check my wallet, you know.
Might have a few quid in there.
Anybody there?
There's a blanket
in here somewhere.
Here are, throw this over him.
Eh? We won. Eh, lads?
Yep.
Yep.
Er, chickens.
You didn't do the chickens.
Chickens? Yeah.
Er, you know, when someone comes
in and goes, "Anybody there?"
We go, "Nobody here
but us chickens."
You didn't do it.
Why would we do that?
Actually, I don't know why.
It's just that we
always have, ain't we?
# There's no body here
but us chickens! #
When we're...
You're bloody cracked, you are.
You're probably a bit feverish
in all the excitement, Mr Carter.
Come and sit down
for five minutes.
Have a game of cards.
COINS CLATTER
Oh, my God!
That was going so well.
Well...
we won.
Yeah, we won.
Eh? Yeah, yeah.
We, er... We won.
You're light.
Fancy a piece of cake?
Aye, I will.