Nightingales (1990–…): Season 2, Episode 5 - Reach for the Sky - full transcript

THEME MUSIC

I spy with my little eye--
I'm not playing.

Battleships! Let's have
a game of Battleships, go on!

'Ere, that bloke's
got no clothes on. Oh!

What's the good of that, eh?

What's the good of a drawing of
a bloke with his knob hanging out?

What a poetic description.

What a concise summary of one
of the greatest works of art

known to civilisation.

Leonardo da Vinci's
"Proportions Of The Human Figure",

otherwise known as "The Man
With His Knob Hanging Out".



Have you any tarts in there?
Sorry, Lord Clark.

Sorry to disappoint you.
Sorry, no tarts.

You really hate me,
don't you, Carter?

Yes.

I'm gonna draw things in that book
when you're not looking. Yes.

I thought I could see
that particular scenario

looming over the horizon.
Touch this book and I'll have you!

What's long and hard
and full of seamen?

A submarine.

Don't you know any other jokes?

No, I like that one.

'Ere, I dug up a big hole
in the back garden today.

Did you, darling?
Oh, how lovely for you.

Good, it was.



Dead deep.

Really...

really deep.

All right, I give in. And pray,
what did you do with your hole?

Well, I sat in it for a bit.

Then this plane went over.

And then Duncan fell in.

The dog, my Alsatian.

So we sat there for a bit,
you know, looking at the sky.

And then, well, we got out.

And what happened next?
He asked with baited breath.

I filled it in again, didn't I?

Then I went up to my shed and
sorted through this tin of nails.

I mean, you've got to do something
to pass the time, haven't you?

Then, er, I went to bed
and then I came here.

There's not a moment wasted,
is there?

I just hope you're keeping
a diary, that's all.

I'd just hate for
future generations

to be deprived of all this,
you tit!

All right then, what did you do
today that was so brilliant then?

I bet you didn't dig a big hole.

Actually, when I got back
to my apartment,

digging a big hole wasn't the
first thing that sprang to mind

as a means of intellectual
stimulation, no.

So what did you do then?

Erm...
Eh?

Well, a few weeks ago, I bought
this second-hand Bible, right?

And I've just sort of been
going through it, you know,

crossing out the "ands"
and writing in "but" instead.

Why?

You've got to fill in your time
somehow, haven't you?

I did that for a bit and
then I looked out the window,

and had a little lie down,
went to sleep and...

when I woke up
it was time to come here.

What?

You're like me.

What do you mean?

You waste your time.

You're just like me, you are!

Oh, my God, I'm not.

I am not!
Yes, you are!

I am not like you!
Anybody there?

BOTH: # There's nobody here
but us chickens! #

Yes, you are!
I'm not like you!

I am nothing like you!
Listen, I've got ambition.

I'm going to end up
at Heathrow Airport.

Yeah, and me.
I'm going to do that as well.

You see? You haven't got
a mind of your own!

You're like a moron. They don't
employ morons at Heathrow Airport.

Well, what's so good Heathrow,
anyway then? Oh, come on!

That is the pinnacle of success
for a security guard.

You can't get higher than
Heathrow Airport. So, wait, wait.

Well, what are the uniforms
like then there?

Only a polyester cotton mix.

Dear me, no!

And what...what about the jackets?

Well, we're talking
double-breasted, aren't we?

What...double vents?

Yeah. Double vents, rolled lapels
and the trousers...

They're... they're not?
Yeah.

Flared at the knee.

SOFT MUSIC
Heathrow.

Just think of it, Ding-Dong.

Planes coming in and going out.

People to talk to.

Normal people.

Oh, Ding-Dong, just think, eh?

Going home at nights,
like normal people.

Working days, eh?

Not having to come here to this
rat's nest every night, you know.

Just imagine, eh, Ding-Dong, eh?

Imagine working at... at...

BOTH: Heathrow!

Oh, come on now, lads.

You wouldn't want to leave
your old Sarge, would you?

I mean, we're all right as we are.
One big, happy family.

Eh, what's that then?
Oh, it's nothing.

It's just a directive
from head office.

Oh, yeah?

It's just some sort of
a competition, that's all.

You wouldn't be interested in it?
What, a competition? Yeah.

It's just a competition,

organised by the company,
I mean...

PAPER CRUNCHES Security guard
of the year sort of thing.

Well, what do you win then?

Ah, what?
What's the first prize then?

Oh! The first prize, apparently,

the first prize is a cracked
egg cup and a house brick.

A cracked egg cup?

I ask you, who would want
to win prizes like that, eh?

Oh, yeah.
Cracked egg cup? It's...

Yes, Mr Carter?

No, I was just thinking. I was
having breakfast this morning.

And you get fed up with cereal
and muesli and molasses,

and that sort of thing, you know,
you like something different.

Like a boiled egg, you mean?

Yeah, like a boiled egg! Why not?
It's healthy, it's nutritional.

And let us not forget,
it's oval, you know.

Drawback! Don't have an egg cup,
see? Logic.

I think I might enter
this competition, Sarge.

DING-DONG CHUCKLES

Yes, Mr Bell?

Well, I was just thinking...

COUGHS
I was just thinking that...

I haven't got a house brick.

You are not entering
this competition!

He's not coming. He's
bottled out, hasn't he, Sarge?

No, he's not coming!

That means, I win,
doesn't it, Sarge?

I win the competition.

Ah, come on now, lad,
give the man a chance.

He's got two minutes yet.
He won't come!

He's probably squatting at
the bottom of one of his holes

with Duncan the wonder dog.

DING-DONG HUMS

Lucky mascot.

KNOCKING ON DOOR

Ah, that'll be Mr Younger.
Who? Who?

Your examiner.

Oh, I'll get it! I'll get it!
I'll get it! I'll get it!

I'll get it!
Shut up!

Mr Younger?

How do you do, Sergeant?

He's had a stroke.

Stroke?

Come on, quick!

Come on.
Come on.

That's right.
Get him round there now.

Hey!

He blinked. Ha-ha!
He can still see us.

Mr Younger?

Blink if you can still hear me.

Blink!

Oh, thank God!
There you are, you see.

He can still see and hear us.
God, he really had me going then!

Yeah, I know.

Right, let's get on with
this competition then. Yeah.

You can't be serious. The man's
ill. He needs to go to hospital.

You just said yourself, Sarge.
He can still hear and see us.

No. No way am I going to stand...

Oh, er... Right, lads. Now...

The competition is divided
into three parts.

No peeping!

Right, we begin
with the written part.

Writing, Ding-Dong.

That is when you make
squiggly marks on the paper.

Now, you've got two hours.
During that time,

you're not allowed to leave
this room unaccompanied.

Any trips to the toilet
and I have to go with you.

He'd like that.

Begin!

GIGGLES, LAUGHS

God, I thought this was
supposed to be difficult.

Question one.

DING-DONG READS SILENTLY

CLOCK TICKING

Question one.

Question 20.

Last one.

Yeah, yeah, I think
I'll do that one as well.

"You are in charge of security
at a business convention.

A delegate has forgotten his pass
and wants to gain access

to the building, what do you do?"

Piece of cake.
Yeah! Piece of cake.

Kill him?

You can't kill him!
Course you can!

He shouldn't have forgotten
his pass in the first place. No!

It's an honest mistake! The
bloke left it in his hotel room

when he went down for breakfast,
that's all.

I'll tell you what he was doing.

He had a tart in his room.

I bet she took his wallet
when he was asleep.

Rubbish!

What, and he left his pass
in his wallet, you mean?

Oh, hello, this puts a different
complexion on things, don't it?

I mean, I was prepared to give the
bloke the benefit of the doubt,

but I mean...

What about his poor wife at home?

You know what these reps are like.
He doesn't give a toss. No.

And I bet she's got a bad leg.

I bet you're right!
I bet you're right! Listen...

And I reckon the son's
not too good either.

Son? Yeah. I mean,
it makes you mad, don't it?

You've got this five-year-old boy
with a squint, right?

You've got this mother at home,
limping round the furniture,

trying to make the place
look nice, then his father,

you know, "Daddy",
this filthy, rutting, stinking,

dirty little animal having his end
away in some crappy hotel room!

Look, shouldn't we let the wife
know what's going on?

No.

This is family business,
Ding-Dong.

I just don't want to get involved
in anything like that, you know.

Yeah. I mean, I bet he's not
all to blame really, you know.

What, the wife, you mean?
The wife, yeah.

I mean, OK, she's got a bad leg,
right? We feel sorry for her.

But she could make an effort
now and again.

Yeah, have her hair done
now and then, yeah.

A little trip to the hairdresser's
would not go amiss

and what's wrong with a little
spray of perfume now and again?

Yeah, and a cooked meal when
he comes home. She doesn't cook!

Oh, God! He lives on takeaways,
the poor sod!

Now, now, now, gentlemen.

No talking!

Do you know what gets me?
You don't have to tell me! OK.

OK, so the son's
got a squint, right?

Yeah, but he could make
an effort, you know, at home.

Help his mother out now and again,
right? Yeah.

Cook his dad a meal.
Exactly!

I mean, the poor bloke's tired.
He's been out till all hours,

attending conferences and screwing
prostitutes in his hotel room!

I mean, he's exhausted.

When he comes home, he wants
a hot meal inside of him.

When he gets home, what does his
son do for him? He does nothing!

Nothing! Nothing!
He just sits there.

He just sits there and...
Squints!

Bastard!

ALARM RINGS

Times up!
Eh?

Oh, come on, Ding-Dong, give up!
It's embarrassing!

Up here, that's where
you want it, mate.

All right, I admit you've got a
certain facility with your hands.

But when are they gonna be
any use to you,

you know what I mean, Ding-Dong?

Part two. Each competitor
will build a drystone wall.

See what I mean? You've got
to build a drystone wall.

What?

Oh! How long we had now, Sarge?

Five hours.

How long we got left?

Two minutes.

Er, Ding-Dong... Er, Bell.

What?

Do you wanna swap?

No, that's a crap wall that.

I wouldn't say that.
No, I wouldn't say that at all.

It depends on what sort of
drystone wall you want.

I mean, you know,
most people go for height.

I'm a width man myself.

One minute!

PHONE RINGS
Um...

PHONE RINGS

What?

Hello. Yeah. Mr Bell?

Yes, he's here.
Ding-Dong, yeah.

His what? His wife?

In hospital?

Oh, my God!
She's had an accident?

Oh, dear. No.

She's in the operating theatre?
What? She's... She's...

Lost a... Lost a lot of blood?

Oh, internal injuries.
Gimme, gimme, gimme!

Yes, all right. Come here!
No, don't worry, Ding-Dong.

Hello?

Hello?

What?

Cyril?

No, there's no Cyril here, mate.
I think you've got the wrong...

Hey!

My drystone wall!
It's not your drystone wall!

This is my drystone wall!
That's your drystone wall!

No, it's not!
That's not my drystone wall.

This is my drystone wall!
Get off! Aaagh! Get off! God!

Tell him, Sarge!

Come on now, Mr Carter,
give him back his drystone wall.

It's only fair.

He can't win this bit
because he's a cretin!

Well, you won the other bit.
Tell him, Sarge!

Tell him!

ALARM RINGS
I win!

Time's up. Right.

Now, part three.

"As an exploration of how
the members of the security staff

function as a unit,

the participants in
the competition will perform

a one-act play
of their own devising."

'Ere, I'm not very good at that...
No, it's all right, Ding-Dong.

Don't worry.

I'll write the play for us.

You won't make me
look a prat, will you?

Would I do that?

Ready, Ding-Dong? Yeah.

Hang on, what about the tape
recorder? Well, put it on then!

All right, all right.

WHIMISCAL MUSIC PLAYS

Oh, gosh, Johnny,
what a wonderful view.

You know, I'm utterly weary.

Too many cream teas
in Mrs Littleton's.

Uh-huh! Uh-huh!

You know, you should see someone
about that horrid cough, Johnny.

You know I loathe the very idea
of doctors, Johnny.

BOTH: Vvrooom!

Hurricane!
Spitfire, Johnny.

No, no, Hurricane, Johnny.
I'll wager it's...

Oh! I'll get you.
One day I'll get it right.

I wish I was up there, Johnny.

You know you would be, Johnny, if
it wasn't for that horrid cough.

You know that.
Uh!

This war, Johnny, it's...
Look!

The girls are setting their bikes
down beside the milking shed.

They're unpacking their
picnic hampers, Johnny.

Pilchards!
Lovely pilchards in tomato sauce.

And "Bulbon" biscuits, Johnny.

Oh, look, Johnny,
the men are forking the hay.

What?!

They're forking hay.
The men are forking hay.

Oh, oh, right, right.

Oh, Johnny, to be back
at St Michael's again,

hearing the masters
laughing in the dorm

while we romped...

together.

Yes, you helping me with my prep.

Yes, me helping you
with your prep.

Because you were never very good
with words, were you, Johnny?

No, no, I wasn't, no.

Oh, look, Johnny!
What's that, Johnny?

Freda's dropped her thermos.

She's...

She's such a silly poppet.

All right!

Helen's helping her pick up
the pieces of shattered thermos.

Poor Helen.

I was so beastly to her
the night we went swimming.

Lots of women take in seawater,
Johnny. It does them no harm.

Johnny, I want to be able
to play Bach and Chopin

better than anyone else
in the whole world.

You will, Johnny, I know it.

I say, what do you make
of this Johnny? Oh!

What do you make of this, Johnny?

Good gracious, it looks like a
piece of fireman's hose, Johnny.

And to think it has lain here
all these years. Mm.

I think I'll save it for Freda.

The, erm...

The Reverend Green's awfully late
taking his usual walk

normally about this time, Johnny.
Yes, he is rather, Johnny.

Call out Polus!

Rome is burning!

The Emperor has lost his reason.

We're not doing that bit!
We're not doing that!

What? We're not doing the
Roman gladiators. We changed it.

Oh! We're doing the blokes
in baggy corduroy trousers.

Oh, morning, Reverend Green.

Ah!

Good morning, Johnny.

Good morning, Johnny. Yes.

And what brings you
two Johnnies up here?

Just revisiting old haunts,
Reverend Green.

Ah, yes!

This spot's always had a peculiar
fascination for you two Johnnies,

hasn't it?

I remember, you know, when you
were choir boys at St Peter's.

The service was barely over
before you'd be

ripping off your cassocks,
running out the vestry door

and up to this
God-forsaken spot, eh?

Just the two of you,
all alone.

Do you know, I often wondered
what you two got up to, eh?

I don't like this bit.

CHURCH BELL RINGS
Ah!

The slow, steady pulling
of the Angelus bell

calling me to Holy Communion.

Goodbye, Johnnies. Bye!
Reverend Green.

I...

I've heard about that job, Johnny.

They've taken me on
at the brewery.

I know it's only a menial job
but it's better than nothing.

I... I wish I was...

more intelligent,
like you, Johnny.

Well, Johnny,
should I go to art school

or take that music scholarship?

And then, of course, there's
always my father's law firm.

Oh, Johnny, here's me
talking about myself

when your excited about that
menial job at the brewery.

Tell me, when do you leave?

Tomorrow.

They're sending a dray horse round
at five o'clock to pick me up.

That will be lovely.
Just think, Johnny,

to think that no more
will we be able to lean

against this drystone wall.

This drystone wall that
I built with my own hands.

Wait! Wait! That's it!

INDISTINCT SHOUTING

Hello?

Anybody there?

BOTH: # There's nobody here
but us chickens! #

BOTH: Sarge!

Well, Mr Younger?

Who's won the competition,
Mr Younger?

Mr Younger.

Who... who won the egg cup?

Egg cup?
Yeah, yeah, and the house brick!

House brick?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Who won the competition,
Mr Younger?

Who...?

It's me, it's me. No, it's me.
It's me, it's me. It's me.

I'm afraid he's gone, lads.

Dead?

How are we gonna find out
who's won the competition then?

"In the event of the demise
of the examiner,

all exam papers are deemed
null and void." Sorry, lads.

Dead?!

Well, I mean.

That's really rude, innit?

Self, self, self!

Well, what a palaver, eh?

Oh, yes, you're right.

I was being a bit naughty, yes.

Oh, all that stuff about

having to build a drystone wall
and do a play.

Well, I was making that up.

Oh, yes, I was!

Well, I never thought they'd
go through with it, did I?

I mean, you'd have to be a bit of
a barmpot to do things like that.

But they're not very bright,
the lads.

Now, don't get me wrong,
they're good boys,

but sometimes they're just a bit
lacking up here, you know.

No, what it was,
the first prize, well...

it wasn't a cracked egg cup
or a house brick, oh, no!

I was just saying that
to put them off.

You see, to tell you the truth,

I sometimes think
they're a bit retarded.

In a nice way, of course!

No, was the first place was,
was a job...

at Heathrow.

Well, now, I couldn't have that,
could I?

I couldn't afford
to lose one of my lads.

After all, we're one
big happy family.

Now, not a word about this,
mind you.

This is strictly
between you and me.

After all, what the lads don't
know won't do them any harm.

Evening, all.

Sarge!
Lads.

Can I go now?

No, it's me. What are you doing?

What are we going up
to the 20th floor for?

We thought we might have
a look at the roof.

Eh, Sarge?

Why?

You'll see.