Nightingales (1990–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - All at Sea - full transcript
THEME MUSIC
Anybody there?
# There's nobody here
but us chickens #
What?
You've got to make yourself
look smart for the new inspector.
Anybody there?
# There's nobody here
but us chickens #
Well, what d'ya think?
I've had a haircut.
The new inspector will want us
to look the part, won't he?
Yeah.
Well, bet you never went swimming
in a river with a big bar of soap.
No, no. No, I didn't, did you?
No.
Well, there you are then.
What are you doing, lad?
I'm going to wash me legs.
Oh, good idea.
You pair of pathetic,
arse licking,
subservient cretins.
God, you're like a pair
of chickens running around
with their heads cut off.
We're getting a new inspector,
so what?
Do you really think
it's gonna make any difference
to the quality of our lives?
We might get radios.
We won't get radios!
We've never had radios,
never will.
I just wish it was
going to be somebody
who was going to teach us
something, you know?
Offer us a bit of encouragement.
It won't, will it?
Somebody new to boss us around.
A different jailer
in the same old prison.
Same as usual.
Piss pot.
Go shave your legs.
Ah, well,
what else can we do, lad?
Come on then, big mouth,
what else should we do then?
We can stick together for a start,
can't we?
We can do that, can't we?
How'd you mean?
Get a bit of dignity
going for once, you know?
Yes, stick together,
that's the key to it.
Look, we don't bend our knee.
We don't kowtow,
we don't pay homage.
We can stick together,
that's the key to success.
Stick together, eh, Sarge?
Ding-Dong?
What?
Stick together.
Stick together, right.
Inspector.
A little present,
just from me, sir.
Not from the other men.
I bought it for you, sir,
not them.
It's a music box.
NO MUSIC PLAYS
Oh, yeah, well, one of me kids
threw it out his bedroom window.
He was trying to hit the milkman.
Still, you can keep your fags
in there, can't you, sir?
In that present
that only I bought you
and not the other men.
Especially Carter.
Judas, eh, Sarge?
Inspector.
A half a pound of lamb's liver.
A token of personal esteem
from me, with my new haircut,
to you.
And not from the other men, sir,
just me alone.
By myself. And not the other men.
I do not eat meat, Sergeant.
See, he doesn't eat meat.
That was a rubbish present.
And I do not smoke.
And Three Wise Men
came from the east bearing gifts
of a defunct music box,
half a pound of lamb's liver,
and...?
What else can I expect, eh, lad?
Nothing.
Ooooh!
Ooooh!
I haven't bought you anything.
Why should I?
GROANS
Good man.
Gentlemen,
I do not approve of bribes.
I don't include you in this,
Mr Carter.
No, of course, sir, understood.
You shouldn't have done that.
That was ever so naughty.
All I want to do is run
a tight ship. Tight ship.
If you scratch my back, I'll
scratch yours. Scratch yours.
Things go well,
we'll get along swimmingly.
Along swimmingly.
Along swimmingly.
No, no, you don't do it
every time, just now and again.
Things do not go well,
we may have problems.
Problems. See like that,
just now and again.
Dismissed!
Dismissed! Dismissed!
No, you're dismissed.
You can go now, go on.
Go on, piss off.
Willingness to learn,
require knowledge.
Yes.
It's all I ask of my men.
You give me that
and I'll give you the world.
Oh, this is marvellous, this is.
You're just what we've needed
around here, sir.
Someone to teach us something.
Sarge and Bell said
you'd be a right prat
but I knew you'd be all right, sir.
I mean, all the things we can
learn together and be--
Carter.
Sir, yes, sir.
I'm putting you in charge of this.
We'll be in touch at all times.
What, mine, sir?
What, my own radio?
Oh, this is marvellous this.
CLICKING TONGUE
OMINOUS MUSIC
Alpha, Beta, Foxtrot, Charlie.
Receiving you loud and clear, sir.
CARTER WHISTLING
All right?
Mate.
God, we go back sometime,
don't we?
You're not having it.
What? I do not want it.
Give it here!
Get off!
BOTH SHOUTING
I'm being attacked
by one of the security!
All right, all right!
CARTER WHISTLING
Attack! Attack! Attack! Attack!
Attack.
All right, all right. Look, I'm
going.
I didn't have me finger
on the button.
Bastard!
GROANING AND SHOUTING
Sarge?
The new inspector says
that as we treated the staffroom
like a toilet
we might as well use a real one.
He says we're barred
from the staffroom.
What?
He said what?
All right, Mr Carter.
He said the order
didn't apply to you.
Ah, well, the man's got a point.
You two-faced twat.
There's something else.
He's taken one of my stripes.
20 years I've had those stripes.
Well, he's got a point, Corporal.
He said I was the wrong star sign.
I'm a Pisces.
He says, that's the wrong
star sign for a Sergeant.
I'll tell you, Mr Carter,
the man's mad.
Yeah, he's banned us from smoking.
He's bloody cracked in the head.
Well, I'm sorry, I think
the man's perfectly fine.
I mean, he's got things moving,
hasn't he?
I mean, you never got us radios,
did you, Sarge?
RADIO STATIC
Attack! Attack! Attack! Attack!
Message received, ahh,
and understood, ahh.
Over and out, ahh.
He wants to see us all.
Ta, now.
TONGUE CLICKS
This afternoon, at the request
of my good lady wife,
I purchased some comestibles,
which you see before you.
A number amongst those items
was this.
A 250g packet of Uncle Ben's
long grain rice.
Now, as is my habit,
I counted the grains of rice
in said packet
and how many
do you think there were?
Seven.
Not seven, Mr Bell. Not seven.
There were in total
6,833 grains of rice.
Now, this evening,
as is again my habit,
I recounted the contents
of the packet
and did I find
6,833 grains of rice?
No, gentlemen, I did not.
I found 6,832 grains.
Perhaps a recount
would be in order, sir?
God-damn you, man!
There's nothing wrong
with my arithmetic.
Now, come on now, own up.
Who had my grain?
I don't include you in this,
Mr Carter.
I know you played no part
in this villainy.
Creep.
Shut your hole.
All further leave is cancelled.
Ah, come on now, Inspector.
Play the white man.
And you will receive
no further pay.
That's not stinking fair.
Dismissed.
Dismissed, go on.
I told you, Mr Carter.
The man is demented.
He is off his trolley.
Well, who will join me
for dinner tonight? Mr Carter?
Er, not I, sir.
I have some food of my own.
Some bread and some cooked meats
combined in a form of sandwiches.
And I've got a KitKat
knocking about somewhere.
Very well, Mr Carter.
Seen any rats?
TENSE MUSIC
Er, rats?
Damnable creatures.
Man's worst enemy.
If you see a rat, kill it.
Bring it to me, you'll be
well rewarded. Tell the men.
Yes, yes, yes.
I'll do that, Inspector, yes.
Rats, you say?
FOREBODING SIGH
YELLS AND LAUGHS
CHUCKLES
THUNDERCLAP
"BLOW THE MAN DOWN"
PLAYS ON HARMONICA
Seems perfectly reasonable to me.
I dunno what you two
are going on about.
You're a stuck up prat,
aren't you?
A real daddy's boy.
Look, I just take people
as I find them.
Your deal, Corporal.
I will brook it no longer.
Nor I, I won't brook either.
His behaviour is offensive
in the highest degree.
Are we dogs?
Are we cattle?
What does "brook it" mean?
He means he won't stand for it
any more.
Oh, yeah, yeah, right.
Well, I'm not gonna brook it
any longer either then.
THUNDERCLAP
RAIN SPLATTERS
What we gonna do, Sarge?
There's only one thing we can do.
We've one course of action
left open to us.
Good God, man.
You can't be thinking
what I think you're thinking.
Yeah, we are.
What, what we thinking?
Mutiny.
THUNDERCLAP
"Call me, Sarge.
Despite the prostrations
of the men,
Mr Carter still refuses
to join us
in our attempt to rid ourselves
of this tyranny.
Night comes on.
Soon we shall be lost
to its unsure,
harbourless immensities.
May God have mercy on our souls."
What are you doing, you pillock?
Big mouth wants to see me.
Caught me smoking in the bogs.
Mr Bell!
Excuse me.
DAUNTING MUSIC
Well?
You decided yet?
What?
Oh, this mutiny business.
THUNDERCLAP
This M-word business.
Look, I'm not mad keen
on the idea myself.
I mean, I know the Inspector's
a bit of a disciplinarian.
WHIP CRACKS, BELL WHIMPERS
You've got to have discipline,
haven't you?
Don't get me wrong, Corporal,
I don't mind being
a little bit piratical.
WHIP CRACKS, BELL YELPS
But I just don't want
to make the wrong move...
WHIP CRACKS, BELL SCREAMS
...career wise.
Well,
when you've decided
the men are with ye, sir.
Oh, so suddenly I'm "sir"
all of sudden.
Didn't hurt a bit.
Oh, look, it's Mr Whippy.
Stop me and get one, d'you get it?
Yeah, yeah, it's dead good that.
Oh, God, I can't smoke that.
OMINOUS MUSIC
We need you, Mr Carter.
The men need you to lead them.
Yeah, you're our natural leader,
Mr Carter.
You... you're more intelligent
than what we are.
Yes, I mean, I have to
consider that point.
But, what else?
Well, you're better looking
than we are.
Oh, no, no, come on,
don't do yourselves down.
Actually, I suppose you can take
things like that for granted.
What else?
Calm down, now.
Gentlemen.
BELL RINGS
At ease.
All right, Mr Carter?
Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
What have we here?
An example of the men's salty wit?
I wouldn't read that
if I were you, sir.
Oh, nonsense,
I'm a man of the world.
Let's see now.
"I have got 12 inches
but I don't use it as a rule."
And which if the men is so blessed?
Well, actually...
Ah, yes!
Mr Bell.
And do I spy my name here?
Oh, here, I'll just rub that out.
"Inspector has a face
like a monkey's..."
OMINOUS MUSIC
INSPECTOR HISSES
DING-DONG GROANS
God-damn you, sir!
DING-DONG SCREAMING
Do you hear me?
Yep, fair enough,
just say the word, you know.
Sir, I must protest.
Protest?
So you protest, do you, dog!
I will not tamely be called a dog!
Oh, will you not?
Will you not be called a dog?
All right, all right, just this
once.
I'll bid you good evening,
gentlemen.
Oh, Mr Carter.
Sir!
Slight mark on your collar there.
Don't want to set a bad example,
do we?
Satisfied?
Now do you see
what sort of man he is?
Treating people like that,
it's not fair.
I gave that man my trust.
I mean, my mother
washed this shirt.
Ah, terrible.
Vilifying an old lady's
laundry like that. Terrible.
Or perhaps it was the powder?
There's nothing wrong
with my mother's powder!
This was an all whites wash.
And to think I respected
that fascist bastard.
Ah, you've changed your tune now,
haven't ya?
Do I not suffer as you suffer?
Boy, I would rather be
drowned in a scuttlebutt
then endure such hell.
And I, I would rather be
drowned in a scuttlebutt
then endure such hell.
And I too would rather be
drowned in a scuttlebutt
then endure such hell.
Well, a man's got to do
what a man's got to do.
It's a barrel full of rainwater.
Oh, right.
So what are we gonna do?
There's only one thing
we can do, men.
MURMURS
MURMURS
This M-word business.
The M-word business.
Oh, you mean mutiny.
THUNDERCLAP
TENSE MUSIC
WHIP CRACKS, WHIMPERING
WHIP CRACKS, SCREAMING
So, Mr Carter, how goes it?
How goes it, sir?
Oh, it goes fine,
couldn't be better.
Well, it stopped for a couple
of seconds this afternoon
but then it started again but
that's how it goes, isn't it, sir?
Hmm? Can't win them all.
Good, good.
Notice anything, sir?
I've got a clean shirt on.
Isn't it nice?
What a nice clean shirt, hm?
Much cleaner and nicer
than the snot-covered,
dog vomit, veneered rag
I had draped over
my shoulders yesterday, hm?
Hm? Hm? Smell that freshness, sir?
That's the spirit.
Sir. Sirest.
My liege, my lord. Erm...
the men and I were wondering
if you would do us the honour
of joining us
for dinner tonight, sir?
Well, I don't know, Mr Carter,
one doesn't want to encourage
familiarity.
Please, sir.
Sir, as a favour to me, sir.
As a favour to me and my...
clean shirt, sir.
Oh, very well, Mr Carter.
If it will please you.
Oh, it will, sir.
Yes.
THUNDERCLAP
FOREBODING MUSIC
Sir.
I hope the stench from my shirt
hasn't put you off your meal, sir.
Why this is most excellent,
gentlemen, most excellent.
Kill him.
You're our natural leader, lad.
Yeah, you were ever gentle,
meek and kind. Kill him.
Come, sing to me, gentlemen,
one of the old songs.
One of the songs of the sea.
One of the old sea shanties.
Come, sing.
PAN PIPE PLAYS
Two, three, four.
# I'm Popeye the sailor man
# I live in a caravan
# And when I go swimming
I watch the bare women
# I'm Popeye the sailor man #
GROANING, THUNDERCLAP
Have you taken leave
of your senses?
No, sir, I've come to them.
You are relieved from duty.
Take him trousers off,
take him trousers off!
Mr Carter, do you consider this
treatment a suitable reward
for all the friendship
I've shown you in the past?
What friendship,
you stuck up prat?
Insulting my mother like that!
Take his trousers off,
take his trousers off!
Why do you keep saying that for?
Well, we won, he lost. He should,
he should take his trousers off.
Take his trousers off!
Get his trousers off!
Carter, I beg you to reconsider.
I am in hell, sir. I am in hell.
And you, Sergeant,
consider what you're about.
Give me leave to speak?
Oh, sir,
we know very well
what we're about.
Dog!
Ha-ha, d'you hear that?
I called him dog.
I warn you, if you persist
in your intentions--
Sir, advance an inch further
and I'll run you through.
I must have leave to speak.
What?
Take his trousers off!
Take his trousers off!
Lay down your arms now
and I'll see you suffer
no punishment for what you've done.
No, no, we set our lives
upon the cast
and we will stand the hazard
of the die.
And my mother's not getting
any younger, you know.
Money, money, I have money.
Kill him!
My timeshare apartment.
What?
What's that?
My timeshare apartment.
On the idyllic,
sun-kissed Maltese island of Gozo.
Ooh.
Gozo.
Think about it, lads.
A three-bedroomed apartment
situated just yards
from the town centre.
With its many shops,
bars, restaurants.
A rich variety of night life.
What'd you say?
Is it near the beach?
Well, there are always drawbacks.
Look, look, look, there's
a bus service every 15 minutes,
take you straight to the beach.
Is it sand or shingle?
What?
Come on, you heard him,
is it sand or shingle?
STUTTERS: Shingle.
THUNDERCLAP
Damn you, sir!
Give me that knife!
No, I got it from the canteen.
Now, sod off!
You know what this is,
don't you, man?
It's...it's...
TOGETHER: Don't say it!
Mutiny!
INSPECTOR GROANS
He had to say it, didn't he?
Look.
Look, lads,
a three-mast schooner
coming towards us,
with its black sails.
Its black sails swallowing
with a silent die...
of death.
Here, they new shoes?
Ah, yeah, I thought
you'd never notice.
Yeah, guess how much?
Oh, that is high fashion footwear,
that is.
Gotta be an excess of £40.
That's a man-made sole.
Would you believe 14.99.
No, really?
No. No, get away.
Call me old fashioned, Sarge, I'd
like to see you in a nice sandal.
Here, what we gonna do about him?
One, two, three.
What we gonna tell the police?
Well, he fell out the window,
didn't he?
Well, he was stabbed though.
Yeah, yeah, hang on,
it's gotta be more credible.
He was doing something, he was...
Skinning a pheasant.
Skinning a pheasant.
Skinning a pheasant
and he tripped over...
Some privet.
Privet.
Yeah, he tripped over some privet.
He was skinning a pheasant blind-
folded, tripped over some privet
and accidently stabbed himself
and...
fell out the window.
It's a domestic incident,
happens every day.
Think they'll send us
another inspector?
Oh, bound to.
Some other prat will walk through
that door tomorrow night.
You know what that means though,
don't ya?
I know.
What?
We'll be in the same boat again.
SPLASHING
Anybody there?
# There's nobody here
but us chickens #
What?
You've got to make yourself
look smart for the new inspector.
Anybody there?
# There's nobody here
but us chickens #
Well, what d'ya think?
I've had a haircut.
The new inspector will want us
to look the part, won't he?
Yeah.
Well, bet you never went swimming
in a river with a big bar of soap.
No, no. No, I didn't, did you?
No.
Well, there you are then.
What are you doing, lad?
I'm going to wash me legs.
Oh, good idea.
You pair of pathetic,
arse licking,
subservient cretins.
God, you're like a pair
of chickens running around
with their heads cut off.
We're getting a new inspector,
so what?
Do you really think
it's gonna make any difference
to the quality of our lives?
We might get radios.
We won't get radios!
We've never had radios,
never will.
I just wish it was
going to be somebody
who was going to teach us
something, you know?
Offer us a bit of encouragement.
It won't, will it?
Somebody new to boss us around.
A different jailer
in the same old prison.
Same as usual.
Piss pot.
Go shave your legs.
Ah, well,
what else can we do, lad?
Come on then, big mouth,
what else should we do then?
We can stick together for a start,
can't we?
We can do that, can't we?
How'd you mean?
Get a bit of dignity
going for once, you know?
Yes, stick together,
that's the key to it.
Look, we don't bend our knee.
We don't kowtow,
we don't pay homage.
We can stick together,
that's the key to success.
Stick together, eh, Sarge?
Ding-Dong?
What?
Stick together.
Stick together, right.
Inspector.
A little present,
just from me, sir.
Not from the other men.
I bought it for you, sir,
not them.
It's a music box.
NO MUSIC PLAYS
Oh, yeah, well, one of me kids
threw it out his bedroom window.
He was trying to hit the milkman.
Still, you can keep your fags
in there, can't you, sir?
In that present
that only I bought you
and not the other men.
Especially Carter.
Judas, eh, Sarge?
Inspector.
A half a pound of lamb's liver.
A token of personal esteem
from me, with my new haircut,
to you.
And not from the other men, sir,
just me alone.
By myself. And not the other men.
I do not eat meat, Sergeant.
See, he doesn't eat meat.
That was a rubbish present.
And I do not smoke.
And Three Wise Men
came from the east bearing gifts
of a defunct music box,
half a pound of lamb's liver,
and...?
What else can I expect, eh, lad?
Nothing.
Ooooh!
Ooooh!
I haven't bought you anything.
Why should I?
GROANS
Good man.
Gentlemen,
I do not approve of bribes.
I don't include you in this,
Mr Carter.
No, of course, sir, understood.
You shouldn't have done that.
That was ever so naughty.
All I want to do is run
a tight ship. Tight ship.
If you scratch my back, I'll
scratch yours. Scratch yours.
Things go well,
we'll get along swimmingly.
Along swimmingly.
Along swimmingly.
No, no, you don't do it
every time, just now and again.
Things do not go well,
we may have problems.
Problems. See like that,
just now and again.
Dismissed!
Dismissed! Dismissed!
No, you're dismissed.
You can go now, go on.
Go on, piss off.
Willingness to learn,
require knowledge.
Yes.
It's all I ask of my men.
You give me that
and I'll give you the world.
Oh, this is marvellous, this is.
You're just what we've needed
around here, sir.
Someone to teach us something.
Sarge and Bell said
you'd be a right prat
but I knew you'd be all right, sir.
I mean, all the things we can
learn together and be--
Carter.
Sir, yes, sir.
I'm putting you in charge of this.
We'll be in touch at all times.
What, mine, sir?
What, my own radio?
Oh, this is marvellous this.
CLICKING TONGUE
OMINOUS MUSIC
Alpha, Beta, Foxtrot, Charlie.
Receiving you loud and clear, sir.
CARTER WHISTLING
All right?
Mate.
God, we go back sometime,
don't we?
You're not having it.
What? I do not want it.
Give it here!
Get off!
BOTH SHOUTING
I'm being attacked
by one of the security!
All right, all right!
CARTER WHISTLING
Attack! Attack! Attack! Attack!
Attack.
All right, all right. Look, I'm
going.
I didn't have me finger
on the button.
Bastard!
GROANING AND SHOUTING
Sarge?
The new inspector says
that as we treated the staffroom
like a toilet
we might as well use a real one.
He says we're barred
from the staffroom.
What?
He said what?
All right, Mr Carter.
He said the order
didn't apply to you.
Ah, well, the man's got a point.
You two-faced twat.
There's something else.
He's taken one of my stripes.
20 years I've had those stripes.
Well, he's got a point, Corporal.
He said I was the wrong star sign.
I'm a Pisces.
He says, that's the wrong
star sign for a Sergeant.
I'll tell you, Mr Carter,
the man's mad.
Yeah, he's banned us from smoking.
He's bloody cracked in the head.
Well, I'm sorry, I think
the man's perfectly fine.
I mean, he's got things moving,
hasn't he?
I mean, you never got us radios,
did you, Sarge?
RADIO STATIC
Attack! Attack! Attack! Attack!
Message received, ahh,
and understood, ahh.
Over and out, ahh.
He wants to see us all.
Ta, now.
TONGUE CLICKS
This afternoon, at the request
of my good lady wife,
I purchased some comestibles,
which you see before you.
A number amongst those items
was this.
A 250g packet of Uncle Ben's
long grain rice.
Now, as is my habit,
I counted the grains of rice
in said packet
and how many
do you think there were?
Seven.
Not seven, Mr Bell. Not seven.
There were in total
6,833 grains of rice.
Now, this evening,
as is again my habit,
I recounted the contents
of the packet
and did I find
6,833 grains of rice?
No, gentlemen, I did not.
I found 6,832 grains.
Perhaps a recount
would be in order, sir?
God-damn you, man!
There's nothing wrong
with my arithmetic.
Now, come on now, own up.
Who had my grain?
I don't include you in this,
Mr Carter.
I know you played no part
in this villainy.
Creep.
Shut your hole.
All further leave is cancelled.
Ah, come on now, Inspector.
Play the white man.
And you will receive
no further pay.
That's not stinking fair.
Dismissed.
Dismissed, go on.
I told you, Mr Carter.
The man is demented.
He is off his trolley.
Well, who will join me
for dinner tonight? Mr Carter?
Er, not I, sir.
I have some food of my own.
Some bread and some cooked meats
combined in a form of sandwiches.
And I've got a KitKat
knocking about somewhere.
Very well, Mr Carter.
Seen any rats?
TENSE MUSIC
Er, rats?
Damnable creatures.
Man's worst enemy.
If you see a rat, kill it.
Bring it to me, you'll be
well rewarded. Tell the men.
Yes, yes, yes.
I'll do that, Inspector, yes.
Rats, you say?
FOREBODING SIGH
YELLS AND LAUGHS
CHUCKLES
THUNDERCLAP
"BLOW THE MAN DOWN"
PLAYS ON HARMONICA
Seems perfectly reasonable to me.
I dunno what you two
are going on about.
You're a stuck up prat,
aren't you?
A real daddy's boy.
Look, I just take people
as I find them.
Your deal, Corporal.
I will brook it no longer.
Nor I, I won't brook either.
His behaviour is offensive
in the highest degree.
Are we dogs?
Are we cattle?
What does "brook it" mean?
He means he won't stand for it
any more.
Oh, yeah, yeah, right.
Well, I'm not gonna brook it
any longer either then.
THUNDERCLAP
RAIN SPLATTERS
What we gonna do, Sarge?
There's only one thing we can do.
We've one course of action
left open to us.
Good God, man.
You can't be thinking
what I think you're thinking.
Yeah, we are.
What, what we thinking?
Mutiny.
THUNDERCLAP
"Call me, Sarge.
Despite the prostrations
of the men,
Mr Carter still refuses
to join us
in our attempt to rid ourselves
of this tyranny.
Night comes on.
Soon we shall be lost
to its unsure,
harbourless immensities.
May God have mercy on our souls."
What are you doing, you pillock?
Big mouth wants to see me.
Caught me smoking in the bogs.
Mr Bell!
Excuse me.
DAUNTING MUSIC
Well?
You decided yet?
What?
Oh, this mutiny business.
THUNDERCLAP
This M-word business.
Look, I'm not mad keen
on the idea myself.
I mean, I know the Inspector's
a bit of a disciplinarian.
WHIP CRACKS, BELL WHIMPERS
You've got to have discipline,
haven't you?
Don't get me wrong, Corporal,
I don't mind being
a little bit piratical.
WHIP CRACKS, BELL YELPS
But I just don't want
to make the wrong move...
WHIP CRACKS, BELL SCREAMS
...career wise.
Well,
when you've decided
the men are with ye, sir.
Oh, so suddenly I'm "sir"
all of sudden.
Didn't hurt a bit.
Oh, look, it's Mr Whippy.
Stop me and get one, d'you get it?
Yeah, yeah, it's dead good that.
Oh, God, I can't smoke that.
OMINOUS MUSIC
We need you, Mr Carter.
The men need you to lead them.
Yeah, you're our natural leader,
Mr Carter.
You... you're more intelligent
than what we are.
Yes, I mean, I have to
consider that point.
But, what else?
Well, you're better looking
than we are.
Oh, no, no, come on,
don't do yourselves down.
Actually, I suppose you can take
things like that for granted.
What else?
Calm down, now.
Gentlemen.
BELL RINGS
At ease.
All right, Mr Carter?
Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
What have we here?
An example of the men's salty wit?
I wouldn't read that
if I were you, sir.
Oh, nonsense,
I'm a man of the world.
Let's see now.
"I have got 12 inches
but I don't use it as a rule."
And which if the men is so blessed?
Well, actually...
Ah, yes!
Mr Bell.
And do I spy my name here?
Oh, here, I'll just rub that out.
"Inspector has a face
like a monkey's..."
OMINOUS MUSIC
INSPECTOR HISSES
DING-DONG GROANS
God-damn you, sir!
DING-DONG SCREAMING
Do you hear me?
Yep, fair enough,
just say the word, you know.
Sir, I must protest.
Protest?
So you protest, do you, dog!
I will not tamely be called a dog!
Oh, will you not?
Will you not be called a dog?
All right, all right, just this
once.
I'll bid you good evening,
gentlemen.
Oh, Mr Carter.
Sir!
Slight mark on your collar there.
Don't want to set a bad example,
do we?
Satisfied?
Now do you see
what sort of man he is?
Treating people like that,
it's not fair.
I gave that man my trust.
I mean, my mother
washed this shirt.
Ah, terrible.
Vilifying an old lady's
laundry like that. Terrible.
Or perhaps it was the powder?
There's nothing wrong
with my mother's powder!
This was an all whites wash.
And to think I respected
that fascist bastard.
Ah, you've changed your tune now,
haven't ya?
Do I not suffer as you suffer?
Boy, I would rather be
drowned in a scuttlebutt
then endure such hell.
And I, I would rather be
drowned in a scuttlebutt
then endure such hell.
And I too would rather be
drowned in a scuttlebutt
then endure such hell.
Well, a man's got to do
what a man's got to do.
It's a barrel full of rainwater.
Oh, right.
So what are we gonna do?
There's only one thing
we can do, men.
MURMURS
MURMURS
This M-word business.
The M-word business.
Oh, you mean mutiny.
THUNDERCLAP
TENSE MUSIC
WHIP CRACKS, WHIMPERING
WHIP CRACKS, SCREAMING
So, Mr Carter, how goes it?
How goes it, sir?
Oh, it goes fine,
couldn't be better.
Well, it stopped for a couple
of seconds this afternoon
but then it started again but
that's how it goes, isn't it, sir?
Hmm? Can't win them all.
Good, good.
Notice anything, sir?
I've got a clean shirt on.
Isn't it nice?
What a nice clean shirt, hm?
Much cleaner and nicer
than the snot-covered,
dog vomit, veneered rag
I had draped over
my shoulders yesterday, hm?
Hm? Hm? Smell that freshness, sir?
That's the spirit.
Sir. Sirest.
My liege, my lord. Erm...
the men and I were wondering
if you would do us the honour
of joining us
for dinner tonight, sir?
Well, I don't know, Mr Carter,
one doesn't want to encourage
familiarity.
Please, sir.
Sir, as a favour to me, sir.
As a favour to me and my...
clean shirt, sir.
Oh, very well, Mr Carter.
If it will please you.
Oh, it will, sir.
Yes.
THUNDERCLAP
FOREBODING MUSIC
Sir.
I hope the stench from my shirt
hasn't put you off your meal, sir.
Why this is most excellent,
gentlemen, most excellent.
Kill him.
You're our natural leader, lad.
Yeah, you were ever gentle,
meek and kind. Kill him.
Come, sing to me, gentlemen,
one of the old songs.
One of the songs of the sea.
One of the old sea shanties.
Come, sing.
PAN PIPE PLAYS
Two, three, four.
# I'm Popeye the sailor man
# I live in a caravan
# And when I go swimming
I watch the bare women
# I'm Popeye the sailor man #
GROANING, THUNDERCLAP
Have you taken leave
of your senses?
No, sir, I've come to them.
You are relieved from duty.
Take him trousers off,
take him trousers off!
Mr Carter, do you consider this
treatment a suitable reward
for all the friendship
I've shown you in the past?
What friendship,
you stuck up prat?
Insulting my mother like that!
Take his trousers off,
take his trousers off!
Why do you keep saying that for?
Well, we won, he lost. He should,
he should take his trousers off.
Take his trousers off!
Get his trousers off!
Carter, I beg you to reconsider.
I am in hell, sir. I am in hell.
And you, Sergeant,
consider what you're about.
Give me leave to speak?
Oh, sir,
we know very well
what we're about.
Dog!
Ha-ha, d'you hear that?
I called him dog.
I warn you, if you persist
in your intentions--
Sir, advance an inch further
and I'll run you through.
I must have leave to speak.
What?
Take his trousers off!
Take his trousers off!
Lay down your arms now
and I'll see you suffer
no punishment for what you've done.
No, no, we set our lives
upon the cast
and we will stand the hazard
of the die.
And my mother's not getting
any younger, you know.
Money, money, I have money.
Kill him!
My timeshare apartment.
What?
What's that?
My timeshare apartment.
On the idyllic,
sun-kissed Maltese island of Gozo.
Ooh.
Gozo.
Think about it, lads.
A three-bedroomed apartment
situated just yards
from the town centre.
With its many shops,
bars, restaurants.
A rich variety of night life.
What'd you say?
Is it near the beach?
Well, there are always drawbacks.
Look, look, look, there's
a bus service every 15 minutes,
take you straight to the beach.
Is it sand or shingle?
What?
Come on, you heard him,
is it sand or shingle?
STUTTERS: Shingle.
THUNDERCLAP
Damn you, sir!
Give me that knife!
No, I got it from the canteen.
Now, sod off!
You know what this is,
don't you, man?
It's...it's...
TOGETHER: Don't say it!
Mutiny!
INSPECTOR GROANS
He had to say it, didn't he?
Look.
Look, lads,
a three-mast schooner
coming towards us,
with its black sails.
Its black sails swallowing
with a silent die...
of death.
Here, they new shoes?
Ah, yeah, I thought
you'd never notice.
Yeah, guess how much?
Oh, that is high fashion footwear,
that is.
Gotta be an excess of £40.
That's a man-made sole.
Would you believe 14.99.
No, really?
No. No, get away.
Call me old fashioned, Sarge, I'd
like to see you in a nice sandal.
Here, what we gonna do about him?
One, two, three.
What we gonna tell the police?
Well, he fell out the window,
didn't he?
Well, he was stabbed though.
Yeah, yeah, hang on,
it's gotta be more credible.
He was doing something, he was...
Skinning a pheasant.
Skinning a pheasant.
Skinning a pheasant
and he tripped over...
Some privet.
Privet.
Yeah, he tripped over some privet.
He was skinning a pheasant blind-
folded, tripped over some privet
and accidently stabbed himself
and...
fell out the window.
It's a domestic incident,
happens every day.
Think they'll send us
another inspector?
Oh, bound to.
Some other prat will walk through
that door tomorrow night.
You know what that means though,
don't ya?
I know.
What?
We'll be in the same boat again.
SPLASHING